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Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness

~ Recovery from PTSD & depression + yoga, silliness & poetry…

Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness

Tag Archives: Depression

I. Am. Out. Of. Trauma.

25 Wednesday Jul 2012

Posted by Svasti in Health & healing, Post-traumatic stress, Two Words Project

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

Depression, Enter your zip code here, Healing, I Am Out Of Trauma, Kinesiology, PTSD, Trauma

Yes. Yes, I am.

And I need to tell you about this because trauma’s a tricky little bastard who likes to make you think he’s permanently in your life.

Let me tell you: when you’re dealing with PTSD, you think its forever. It sure feels like forever. I really DID think it would in fact, be forever.

And yet.

I. Am. Out. Of. Trauma.

Truly. I’ve tears of gratitude and happiness and just the most GIGANTIC sense of relief and release flowing forth from every pore of my being. Because I know this now, and I know it deeply. Irrevocably.

But it’s not like I woke up one morning with a blinding flash of realisation – THAT I AM HEALED! No one sent me a telegram or email with said announcement, either.

Yet, I am out of trauma. I really, really am.

It makes me smile the broadest smile I can manage with this face that I was born with.

Cumulatively, I know this is true. Piece by piece, as I’ve reclaimed all of the forgotten broken parts of who I am.

And instantly I know this, too. In retrospect, anyway.

Last weekend I knew this most definitely, in my kinesiology session, where my kinesiologist Amanda, said this: You’re no longer in trauma. Life and these sessions are now about what’s next instead of what has been.

She said that and I knew it to be true. And I remembered all of the sessions. My early ones with Kerry. Then the first eight or so months with Amanda. As we shone lights on all the sneaky hiding spots that trauma tried to squeeze its self into. To remain and fester. Because that’s what trauma likes to do.

But that was then. Those sessions were then. All of those years, all of that sadness and grief… it isn’t who I am anymore.

Instead, I cackle out loud like a crazy hyena. I snort and belly laugh, too.

Because I. Am. Out. Of. Trauma.

This, I know deep in my bones as all of those Other New Things come at me… more change, but this time of the positive ilk. My job now is to prepare. To make the right decisions for my future and… already do whatever I can to help others.

And I can do that – help others – because I. Am. Out. Of. Trauma.

So all of the hard won wisdom is now mine to share. And that’s what I’m in the process of doing.

I want to hand write love notes to all of the wonderful healers I’ve worked with over the years. The people who kept me afloat when I otherwise would’ve drowned. I’ve so much gratitude for all of their love and care and support.

I. Am. Out. Of. Trauma. And now it’s time for me to give it all back to those in need.

~Svasti
xxx

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Guest posting over at Nadine’s

06 Friday Jul 2012

Posted by Svasti in Depression, Health & healing, Post-traumatic stress

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Depression, guest post, PTSD

I know that all of you regular readers know this – I spend a lot of time talking about Nadine. The awesome things she’s been doing, making and sharing. You can pretty much say I’m a Nadine fan. 😉

So, when she asked me recently to write a guest post for her Inspiring Women series, I was all over it.

And as per the image above, the post is called 5 Key Tips for Healing from Trauma.

Its the sort of advice I’d want to share with anyone who has experienced a traumatic event that they’re having trouble overcoming.

Please head over to Nadine’s blog to have a read. Perhaps share it with anyone you know who might find it useful.

~ Svasti xxx

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Yoga Nidra + a giveaway!

24 Thursday May 2012

Posted by Svasti in Fun

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

Annandale Yoga, Anxiety, deep relaxations, Depression, free stuff, give away, guided meditation, Meditation, reducing stress, rest, self-love, Sevadevi, Sevapuri, Stress, Swami Satyananda, Yoga, yoga geek, yoga nidra

You guys! Have you ever heard of, or practiced Yoga Nidra before?

If not, then you’re totally missing out.

Yoga..wha? Is what most people say when they hear of Yoga Nidra for the first time. So don’t be embarrassed, you’re far from alone.

The fact is, Yoga Nidra is one of the bestest, most good for you things you can do with your eyes shut while remaining awake. I can’t think of *too* many other things you can say that about, right? 😉

Anyway, let me tell you more about it…

First of all I have to say – I LOVE Yoga Nidra! As much as I love big warm hugs and snuggling under a blankie. Maybe more.

I mean, this stuff is a top shelf relaxation technique, people. It’s also an act of self-love that you can do for yourself every day and it will yield results. That’s a promise.

So what is it again, I hear you ask?

Okay. Yoga Nidra is a guided meditation you do while lying down and its considered to be more rejuvenative than sleep! OR if you’re having trouble sleeping then it will either help you get to sleep (which is okay, too) or provide you with a wakeful-yet-restive alternative to feeling miserable about your insomnia.

Yoga Nidra is also excellent for reducing stress, depression, anxiety and generally making you feel better about life.

I wrote a little about Swami Satyananda – the founder of Yoga Nidra – a couple of years back when he passed away.

If you’re a yoga geek then I also recommend reading his book on the topic, too.

About the give-away

It was via the happy accident of blogging and tweeting about hummus, that I first came to know of the lovely Sevapuri and his wife Sevadevi.

We don’t talk a great deal, but we’ve met in person a couple of times and Sevapuri is always around on Twitter, where we regularly exchange messages.

Both Sevapuri and Sevadevi are lovely souls and personally I’m jealous of all the kirtan they have going on in Sydney!

Anyway, Sevapuri and Sevadevi now run Annandale Yoga, and the first I was aware of Sevadevi’s Yoga Nidra recording was a direct message on Twitter offering me a copy. Because that’s just the kind of people that they are.

Of course being beautiful and generous souls, not one but THREE copies arrived in my letterbox. I gave one to my neighbour (the wonderful person who made me food when I was really sick last year – she really needs some chill time right now)… and I thought I’d give the copy away here.

Just to keep paying forward the generosity and the love!

I’ve trialled Sevadevi’s CD of course. It contains a short and a long Yoga Nidra practice (23 and 32 minutes respectively), as well as a beautiful Heart Meditation that you can do in a pinch, anytime/anywhere.

Its all about creating a bit of space and calmness in your life…

As a bonus: Sevadevi has a gorgeous velvety voice that you’ll never get tired of listening to.

This is a quality Yoga Nidra and meditation CD, and YOU could be the lucky winner of a copy!

Be in it to win it!

It’s very simple. Anyone can enter, anywhere in the world.

To enter: Leave a comment below sharing your favourite thing to do to unwind and/or re-connect with the world when you’re feeling crappy.

Bonus entry: Share this give-away on Twitter or Facebook and let me know you’ve done so in the comments below.

The mission being to raise awareness of Yoga Nidra and get more people curious to give it a try!

Entries close: Friday 15th June

Lots of love to y’all.

~Svasti xxx

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So Sugar, what’s the deal?

09 Wednesday Nov 2011

Posted by Svasti in Health & healing, Hypothyroidism, I quit sugar!

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

anti-masturbation tactic, Anxiety, autoimmune, Depression, gluten free eating, Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, Healing, hypothyroidism, I Quit Sugar, inflammation, PTSD, quitting sugar, Sarah Wilson, sugar, thyroid

Gimme some sugar, Sugar

Hey honey! Sweetie, darling! Sweetcakes! Gimme some sugar!

Or rather… please don’t.

As I mentioned briefly last week, I’ve just started a brand new regime of quitting sugar.

Today is day three.

I know. WHY the heck would I do something like that? Maybe you’re staring at the screen in horror at such a suggestion. When I announced my plans on Twitter, someone asked me: All sugar, forever?

Even across the internets, I could hear the disbelief and tension in those three little words.

But really, why?

Good question! Glad you asked. 😀

Here’s the skinny: I have Hashimoto’s thyroiditis. An autoimmune condition wherein my body has decided that my thyroid is a foreign entity to be attacked and destroyed. Thanks, body!

Hashimoto’s is inflammation in the body, and basically causes the thyroid to be underactive – meaning a slowed metabolism (hello, weight gain/difficulty with weight loss), an impaired immune system (getting sick a lot), low-low-low iron levels, a massive loss of energy (you try getting out of bed like this!) and a whole bunch of other less than lovely symptoms.

But if you’ve been reading this blog for a little while you’d know about some of this already. As well as my various efforts to heal my body. You can read some of my other posts if you like.

There’s all sorts of information out there about the causes (there are several), what to do about it, treatment (western and alternative medicine), what to eat and so on.

One of my key goals at the moment is reducing inflammation and trying to make my body chemistry as alkaline as possible.

Get your addict on

Here’s the thing about sugar: generally speaking it’s in everything we eat, when physiologically it’s only meant to be consumed sparingly.

As in, not every day. Heck, not even every week!

Too much sugar causes inflammation in the body, as well as contributing to weight gain, and possibly even things like making our minds whizz around too fast, sleep disturbances and so on.

Also, sugar is addictive. The more we have, the more we want.

For a somewhat humorous take on this, read how breakfast cereal was originally developed as an anti-masturbation tactic.

Been there, done it before

A bunch of years ago I did the whole sugar quitting thing. Not because I needed to (although really, we all need to at least reduce our sugar intake), but because it was a Thing.

A dieting technique: cut all sugars and all grains and the weight drops off!

While this is actually true, that kind of all-or-nothing approach can be hard to sustain.

But for the period of time I was on my ABSOLUTELY NO SUGAR kick, I felt and looked amazing.

Keeping it up is another story. Especially in our heavily sugar addicted culture. Especially when attempting to eat out with friends, or even order a drink in a bar. Seriously.

So I lapsed. Eventually my sugar intake was back to its previous levels and with it, much of the weight I’d dropped.

Then I was assaulted, developed PTSD and depression and started eating like shit because most days all I could manage was cheese and crackers, peanut butter on toast, eating out/ordering take-away, or ice cream. So I put on more weight.

Finally, I started to work on healing my mind, heart and soul. What I didn’t realise at the time is that mental health issues like PTSD, anxiety and depression absolutely mess with your body and brain chemistry, and even your DNA.

So as a result of all of this, I now have an autoimmune condition. More healing required! But then, when does it ever truly stop? And why should it have to?

Sarah Wilson’s “I Quit Sugar” e-book

Sarah Wilson's "I Quit Sugar" ebook

When I was first diagnosed, I took to Twitter to ask for information on thyroid stuff as well as gluten-free eating (recommended for thyroidy people).

One of the first crowd-sourced suggestions was to read Sarah’s blog.

She doesn’t just write about Hashimoto’s, eating gluten and sugar free – there’s lots of other cool posts, too.

Recently she published a little ebook (note: this is an affiliate link*) that I immediately snapped up. I’ve now read it cover to cover and this week I began my new journey to a sugar-free life!

The thing I like about Sarah’s approach is that she’s NOT all hardcore do-or-die about it. She suggests an eight week slowly-does-it technique.

Allowing you to ween yourself off the sweet stuff bit by bit.

* Which means that if you buy Sarah’s ebook from clicking on the above link, I get paid a small fee.

But really, for how long?

The answer to “All sugar, forever?” is: I don’t know. Maybe. We’ll see. It’s “for now” anyways. For the foreseeable future, yes.

Sarah even suggests that after you’ve “detoxed” from your sugar addiction, it might be possible to re-introduce limited amounts of sugar into your diet again.

But it really depends on your body and how it reacts to even a little bit of sugar. Does it kick off the addiction again or are you cool with tiny amounts?

You kinda won’t know until you detox for a few months and then give it a try.

So yeah, here I go with my new sugar-free living adventure.

Let me know if you’d like to join in so we can support each other. It’d be excellent to have a buddy along for the ride.

Anyways, I’ll be posting updates on my progress around once a week to keep myself accountable to someone – YOU!

Wish me well, m’lovelies.

~ Svasti xxx

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Swaying in the wind

04 Friday Nov 2011

Posted by Svasti in Fun, Learnings

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

aneurysm, Anxiety, Depression, Donkey Kong, evil zombie ninja, indelicately explode, newspaper cartoonery, Potential Impending Unemployment Survival Kit, PTSD, quitting sugar, Repression, sapling, Stress, vrksasana, Yoga

Found in a local newspaper this week!

I laughed out loud when I saw this and not just because hey, yoga is now so mainstream it’s an object of daily newspaper cartoonery. But because I recognised myself right there.

Despite our best intentions of being steadfast and strong, sometimes we look more like the right side of that cartoon than the left.

Guess you could say I’m feeling a little sway-ish once again.

Seven more working days in total. That’s how much/little confirmed work I have left right now and believe me, I’ve been looking for a new (and more permanent) job for at least the last six months. But for one reason or another, nothing has turned up. And now this contract is coming to an end and… nada.

So I am very busily finding my balance right now and doing an awful lot of wobbling in the process.

Sometimes I’m all calm and mellow and trusting in the universe to provide.

Others, I’m all twisty leaden bellied and constricted chest and throat on account of the OMIGODDESS it’s-right-before-Christmas-and-my-fully-paid-up-holiday-and-whoooaaaah-what-am-I-gonna-do-if-I-don’t-get-a-job?

Which causes me to batten down the hatches. Which helps me to understand how I did such a good job of hiding my PTSD and depression for years on end from anyone but the most observant of folks.

Because I internalise like a champion. It’s a super power. I mean, if I could take down  a hoard of evil zombie ninjas by internalising my rage and fear, they’d ALL BE DEAD AND THERE WOULD BE NO EVIL ZOMBIE NINJA PLAGUE TEARING APART SOCIETY AS WE KNOW IT…

Whaddya mean there IS no evil zombie ninja plague? And how can you be so sure? Evil zombie ninjas have many faces, y’know!

Anyway, the point is that I’ve got a killer “there’s nothing going on here” facade, which kicks in when I get hyper-stressy. Yet all the while I’m wobbling like a wee baby vrksasana sapling in a hurricane.

Well, sometimes anyway. When I’m feeling less super-heroish, that is. Which is only sometimes.

At this point I could go on and on about all kinds of angsty things and I realise my luverly readers here would probably let me get away with it. But that’s kind of a crappy use of my blog, I’m thinking, over something as piddling as potential impending unemployment.

And trust me, I’m working my connections and contacts to find some work ASAP. It’s on like…like…Donkey Kong!

So instead of letting my anxiety run riot here (which I’m trying not to have anyway because hello, Hashimoto’s), I thought that instead, I’d tell you about my…

Potential Impending Unemployment Survival Kit

Because that’s MUCH MORE fun. Such a kit contains:

  • Invoicing slightly early for my October yoga teaching duties, the sum of which almost pays for an entire term of me being a yoga student – until the end of the year. So that the yogas are covered.
  • Getting a much overdue haircut this coming weekend so I look stylish while I’m broke.
  • Making plans for the 16th November (potential impending unemployment day 1) which include: taking the cat to the vet (immunisations and grooming); and going to see my accountant (still haven’t done my taxes yet for this year).
  • Being resolved that even if I do get a job, I won’t work on the 16th so I can get to the vet and the accountant anyways.
  • Committing to getting some of my writing work going. On account of if I don’t get it out of my head soon, I might just get an aneurysm or otherwise explode rather indelicately. And nobody wants to see that.
  • Putting out the feelers for some extra yoga teaching gigs. It mightn’t pay the bills too well but it’ll sure keep me in a good mood. Which might be beneficial for job interviews.
  • Spring clean of the house. It. Must. Happen.
  • More riding of my push bike, which has sadly spent a great deal of the last few months doing very little.
  • Otherwise spending as much time as I can outside and by the beach.

Oh, and as of Monday, I’m going to be starting a new experiment: the quitting of sugar.

I’ve done it before, many years ago now. But I lapsed. Because of the Hashimoto’s I’ve been seriously curbing sugar anyway, but I’m convinced the timing is right to give it a go once more. For my health, and not just for vanity or because everyone else is doing it.

But I’ll talk more about that next week.

Anyway, the plan is to keep trying to find my balance and engage in activities that’ll make me feel good. Well, except for the cat grooming – although that’ll help with less cat hair to clean up. And the accountant – although hey, a tax refund will be in the works, so yay!

Also, my giveaway winner finally turned up (HOORAY!!) so there will be no re-draw of the yogAttitude cards.

Til soon, lovely peoples…

~Svasti xxx

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Continued: working without a net

28 Friday Oct 2011

Posted by Svasti in Life

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

Anxiety, belly relaxed, bliss, breathing smooth, Depression, don't look down, heart open, hecticness, I trust in abundance, I trust myself, I trust the Universe, muse, PTSD, Self-Alignment Kit, working without a net, world of impermanence, Writing, yogAttitude cards

Meditate. Be bliss. There's a lesson in that for all of us...

This is just a quick post to say hi, really. Well, and a couple of other things.

First of all

Suzanne, who won the give-away of Nadine’s wonderful yogAttitude cards has seemingly gone AWOL. So I’m on the verge of re-drawing the prize!

Suzanne, I’ve sent you three emails and left a comment on your blog. No reply! If I don’t hear from you very soon, I’ll re-draw a winner from the other entries (no new entries, just to be fair!).

So please get in touch by Friday 4th November if you would still like to receive your prize, as I need a postal address. After that, I will draw another winner.

Secondly

I’ll be doing a review very soon of Kerry’s Self-Alignment Kit. I think I’m gonna try it this weekend, on account of the fourth point of this post (below).

Also: if you’re interested in Kerry’s kit, hang about for the review because there’ll be a discount code for readers of this blog!

Thirdly

Things are crazy-hectic for me right now at work. The last few months we’ve been working on a H-U-G-E project – a whole bunch of websites that’ll be going live, hopefully this weekend. New branding, a new content management system, new content. It’s been absolutely massive and there’s been so much to do. Insane.

Which has meant no time to finish some of the posts I’m writing. Stuff I really want to get done!

Fourthly (is that even a word?)

This is the working without a net thingy.

In 2008 I left the world of stable, full-time employment. At the time, I was going on a long retreat in the wilds of north-east Thailand. It was a massive turning point for me.

Earlier that year, I’d finally gotten my butt into therapy and was formally diagnosed with PTSD. It was the beginning of my healing journey, and leaving my job was a part of that. I’d been in the same job for 4.5 years and most of that time I also had PTSD. So I’d been trying to hold down a high-performance job while being pretty dysfunctional. I’d also had the misfortune of telling my bosses what had happened to me, and having them use that as a means to bully me. I was burned out.

After retreat and coming back to Australia, I haven’t had a permanent job. Well, none that has lasted anyway. There’ve been a couple of periods of unemployment and lots of contract work.

Simultaneously, I’ve worked my ass off to heal PTSD, anxiety and depression. Which I’ve done, although it hasn’t been easy. I’m still working on healing myself – now it’s my body that needs support and love, while it too, processes the aftershocks of everything my mind and soul have been through.

Integral to all this healing has been learning to really trust myself and my place in this universe – as big or small as that place might be. The first time I found myself unemployed, it was terrifying. I made a whole bunch of decisions at that time that I’d do quite differently now.

All of this short term contract work hasn’t exactly been easy when you have hair-trigger anxiety, either. It’s basically like facing unemployment on a semi-regular basis, never quite sure where or when the next job is coming.

If I’m not careful, such things can cause crazy-excessive-heart-thudding and concrete-heavy-belly feelings.

Even though I have my own, I can't help but stop to talk to other kitties I meet. Such things help me keep life relaxed and calm.

Which is where trust comes in. You see, I’ve found that if I let my fear and anxiety rule the playground, my world gets very small. In such a small world, it’s much harder to get my needs met. So I need to stay open and relaxed.

With the end of the big project I’ve been working on, my current contract is due to end in just under three weeks and I don’t have another job to go to yet.

I don’t know what’s going to happen. There’s been a flurry of recruiters calling me, but so far none of those conversations has turned into anything concrete. I even went for an interview and everything looked good but there have been some issues at that company with getting the job “signed off”. Yep.

So I talk and pray to the Universe daily. I keep my belly relaxed (as much as possible), my breathing smooth and my heart open (which is what I ask my yoga students to do – just walking the talk).

I keep thinking that perhaps I’m just missing whatever lesson the Universe is trying to teach me. Or maybe this is just a constant reminder that nothing is permanent, and now that I’m open to that, my world looks entirely impermanent all of the time?

I’m not sure to be honest. But one lesson I have really learned is that when working without a net, you simply don’t look down.

Clichéd perhaps, but true.

Fifthly (ditto re: existence of word)

I now have two books that I need to write.

The first one is my children’s book. It’s totally buzzing around my brain, showing me new characters and scenarios. Whenever I’ve read about authors talking about their characters coming to life, I didn’t really understand what they meant. Until now.

Must. Write. Book!

The second one is actually Nadine’s fault (said with a grin!). We caught up a few weeks back and had a rambly natter about all kinds of things – yoga, healing, trauma etc.

At one point she said something like: Well, that’s some wisdom you’ve gained there. What are you going to do with that?

I was all, ummmm….?

But the Muse strikes at the oddest of times, doesn’t She? Tuesday night I was walking to the school where I teach yoga every week and She whispered: Write an e-book about what you’ve learned in recovering from PTSD, depression and anxiety.

Oh dang! Before I’d reached my destination, several chapters had laid themselves out for me.

So… I guess I’m writing that one, too.

~ Svasti

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Chronic Yogi interview: Christine Claire Reed

19 Friday Aug 2011

Posted by Svasti in Chronic Yogi, Health & healing

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

Anxiety, Bessel von der Kolk, BlissChick, body dysmorphia, Borderline personality, Christine Claire Reed, chronic abuse, Chronic Grief, chronic pain, Complex PTSD, curiosity, dancer, Depression, disordered eating, Erich Schiffmann, Fibromyalgia, healing movement, IBS, Kundalini yoga, Love, migraines, Peter Levine, self-judgment, singing bowls, stubbornness, Trauma, trauma release, writer, Yoga, Yoga Dance

Are you ready, folks? This is a loooong one, but worth the read. Grab yourself a cuppa and settle in!

~ / \ ~

Name: Christine Claire Reed (aka BlissChick)

Bio: I am a healing movement instructor, dancer, and writer, who finally has the tools to consciously keep in check the former primacy of depression, anxiety, and disordered eating in my life.

How long have you been a student of yoga? And how long have you been teaching?

I started doing yoga about 16 years ago for a very typical reason — I needed to calm down. I suffered from debilitating despression, anxiety, and many-times-a-month migraines.

I knew intuitively at that point that it would be first through my physical self that healing would come. I started with Iyengar and spent time delving into many schools, including Integral, Kripalu, Vinyassa, Ashtanga…you name it and I probably experimented with it at some point. About 9 years ago, I found and fell in total love with Kundalini.

I am now 43 years old and am finally seeing the fruits of those initial efforts, but most of my healing has come through creative movement and healing dance…which would have never been possible if I had not started to study yoga.

I have been teaching for about a year and a half.

What sort of yoga do you teach?

Currently, I teach intuitive dance based on the principles of yoga dance, the 5 rhythms, and an array of other modalities. I also teach a mixed class that relies heavily on Kundalini yoga.

Which form of chronic illness do you live with? When were you first diagnosed?

Oh, my…I think my most accurate diagnosis would be Chronic Grief. Yes. That covers it all.

There is no formal diagnostic protocol for living with and being neurologically-biologically changed by chronic abuse, being surrounded from the time you were born with the anger and violence of the two people who were meant to care for you. To try to put someone like this into a diagnostic box proves almost impossible, as I have found out over the years.

Some people would like to call me Borderline and that is not helpful at all. Children raised like I was often exhibit those characteristics but we most likely just learned those behaviors and are not actually Borderline in the sense of having psychoses.

Complex PTSD comes the closest but then there was no classically definable trauma but instead a string of sometimes daily traumatizing factors.

Physically I am quite certain many physicians would say I suffer from Fibromyalgia due to my (previous) chronic pain issues, exhaustion, etc.

Yes, I like “Chronic Grief.” Over the last two years of my life, I have come to a much healthier and happier version of myself, but I definitely still have times of struggle.

Now though, since I have the tools that I need, I am able to turn those times of struggle rather quickly into breakthroughs.

What sort of symptoms do you experience? Is there a known cure for your condition?

My symptoms over my life have been varied. As I mentioned, there has always been chronic pain. It changes and even now I can relapse but the more I MOVE, the better I feel. Period. I have to move at least 2 hours a day. Seriously move, as in sweat and exert.

I have gone through periods of disordered eating, and now because I dance, I know I have to eat well, so that was like an instant cure. I still have body dysmorphia issues, but I just take off my glasses while I dance through times like that and soon I am back in my real body. (HA!) Depression has been managed pretty thoroughly with gluten free eating. Anxiety is no match for Kundalini Yoga. Over the last twenty years, I have gotten rid of (for the most part): IBS, severe migraines, and not-able-to-walk-needing-a-cortisone-shot hip issues.

Chronic Grief = total mess. Really. When I was recently at a trauma workshop with world-renowned trauma psychiatrist and research scientist, Bessel von der Kolk, he said over and over that children of chronic abuse are a mystery to him in terms of how to help. That we are so basically changed by the chronic nature of our traumas. He said for a person to maintain curiosity about their internal lives (which is essential for healing) after a childhood like this is the sign of an extraordinary intelligence.

Though that was hard to hear (he kept saying that healing rates are rather low for people like me), it was also really affirming, because I HAVE maintained that necessary curiosity. In a recent interview when I was asked what I thought was THE THING people needed to heal, I answered with “curiosity about themselves,” and this was before the workshop.

I don’t know why I have been lucky enough to have that gift in my life, but I am thankful for it every single day.

Did you start teaching yoga before or after you got sick?

After, obviously. I have lived with all of this my whole life. Teaching has been such a gift. The energy exchange that happens between students and teacher is a healing balm for all of us, isn’t it? And I find myself feeling accountable to my students — like I have to do better for them!

If you got sick THEN started teaching yoga, what was going through your mind when you applied for yoga teacher training? Was your YTT impacted by your illness?

When I returned to dance at 40, I knew my life was either going to change right then and there or I was forever to remain stuck in illness. I opted for the change, and I knew for that to really STICK, I had to make some radically different choices.

So I immediately looked for any sort of training I could commit to and challenge myself with. I was lucky enough to stumble upon a Yoga Dance teacher training at Kripalu, and I signed up and paid right away so that there was no backing out. It was the scariest thing I had ever done, but I just walked through one fear after another to get there. I am stubborn like that.

My teacher training was a deeply emotional time for me. It was a time when I was witnessed as a dancer in more ways than I can possibly cover here. It was a re-birth.

I was also lucky enough to meet one of my main mentors in this life, Megha Buttenheim, who still guides me with her love and care.

Have you ever thought of quitting your teaching because of your health?

YES! There are times when I am feeling so awful that I am convinced that I am nothing but a fraud and that my students deserve the “real thing.”

Marcy (Ed: Christine’s partner) reminds me that my hard times are exactly what makes me that “real thing.” She is right. Many of my students tell me that I am their true teacher because I am so up front and honest about my struggles.

Have you ever shared your health condition with your students? If so, what happened? Has anyone ever reacted negatively?

No one has EVER reacted negatively. When I “confess” about difficulties to my students, there is a palpable sense of relief in the room.

It is important for people to see the weaknesses and vulnerabilities in others and especially in teachers. I use my own struggles as examples all the time and it is inevitable that someone (usually more than one someone) says, “Thank you for telling us that. I feel that way all the time and think I am the only one…”

Can you tell us a little more about how this kind of sharing works in your classes?

I usually talk about things like this at the very beginning of class so we can have a few minutes of contemplation and even quick little conversations before beginning with breath awareness, during which I then follow up with a suggestion for, perhaps, something they can hold in their hearts during class, a filter through which they can “listen” to their bodies for messages, information, stuff that needs to come up, answers to questions they’ve been having in their own lives.  When I tell stories like this, they are great at book-ending the class, creating another level of meaning to the work we do.

The stories I tell are always from my immediate life.  And they just happen.  I rarely go to class with the intention of talking about something specific. I show up and trust that I will know what needs to be said.  Erich Schiffmann talked at a workshop I was at about how it took him 20 years to get to the point where he could just go to a class with no notes, no topics in mind. This really startled me, because I have done this from the beginning (but I do have many years under my belt of teaching critical thinking and creative writing). I might take a quote with me but have no idea what else I am going to say.

For example, I might tell them that because of serious abandonment fears, I can get triggered by the most harmless things… like Marcy wanting to have a beer date with a friend. Totally NORMAL! But I can feel my fear monsters just rear their ugly heads, and before I know it, I am acting ridiculously angry and jealous.  BUT…I have come far enough to SEE it and so I know I just need to dance and get back in my body so that I can remember that I am reacting to my present out of my past.

After a story like that, there are a lot of out breaths and giggles.  So many people…especially people coming to Kundalini yoga who are obviously seeking something…they just need to know they are not totally wacko and alone and that they are actually quite normal in their…unhealthy or unproductive ways of responding to their feelings.

Then during breath awareness, I will direct them to be aware of any anxiety or tightness in their own bodies that was elicited during my story. During class, I would encourage them to be aware that their own stories might start popping up and that they can say, “HEY! There you are…” and just keep breathing.

I also have a free movement segment in all of my classes, regardless of what I am teaching, and toward the end of that, I direct them through a stomping, shaking, jumping routine that is based on Peter Levine’s work with trauma release. By this point in the class, they are usually already pretty “clear” but I do this to make sure they leave feeling free and emotionally flexible and strong.

Does your health ever affect they way you sequence or run your classes? (e.g. time of day, how you have your needs met before/during/after a class etc)

Mostly I have to be careful about how much I teach (I teach many classes a week but need lots of down time), and I have quit teaching gigs when I am uncomfortable in the environment. The way a place feels to me is very important, and if I am uncomfortable, I know I am not giving my all to those students. (Ed: this is pretty much good advice for all teachers!)

Other than that, I find the more I trust myself to teach what needs to be taught, the better my classes are. I rarely rely on my “plan” at this point.  I also have found that if I am in need of a certain type of class, that it most likely will resonate with the students. There is an amazing energy connection and synchronicity if we trust ourselves to tap into it.

It’s a bit of a “DOH!” question, but do you think your own practice and/or teaching have helped your health stabilise or even improve? Which part of your yoga practice helps you the most and specifically, in what ways does it help?

The biggest thing for me is that my own witness consciousness has expanded exponentially since I started to teach. I am able to watch myself and “see” what is happening with my mind/body now on a much deeper level, and my witness self kicks in much faster than ever before. I find I have become highly attuned to seeing the emotional state of my students in their bodies. That has been thrilling and again has rippled over into my ability to do this for myself.

I find, too, that I am able to find previously debilitating issues that would have led to self-judgment rather fascinating now. Like I am my own research subject now that I have students to share the findings with.

Also, as someone who used to sequester herself when she was having an extra hard time, I can no longer do that. I have a class six days of the week. I have to get myself together to meet my students and be open to their needs. This pushes me in very positive ways. I can’t sit in my own crap for very long any more.

Chronic illnesses can be very frustrating. Do/did you ever feel angry about your diagnosis? How does it impact your own yoga practice and your life in general?

I can feel quite angry. I feel angry that the way most of us are raised impacts us in such negative ways. I feel angry that violence in the home is a silent epidemic that culturally we refuse to acknowledge and that it then changes the person you were born to be. I get angry that we then have to work so damn hard on such basic things just to maybe some day get back to being that essential person/soul/heart. I get angry that so many people never ever get better and that they live their lives sad, stuck, never fulfilling their beautiful, powerful potential.

I get angry, yes, and it is the very reason I do this work.

Have you experienced any “dark night of the soul” moments/hours/days in dealing with your illness? What got you through?

Love got me through. My own stubbornness got me through.

There were many days and weeks and months of my life where I was not sure I wanted to continue to live, and yet I pushed forward. I am essentially an optimistic person, I have come to learn. I kept going; I kept searching; I kept doing the work. My will power and determination — two things that I was told I did not even possess!! — are incredible.

There are still days that the symptoms of “Chronic Grief” are overpowering. There are still days when the best I can do is get through that day in one piece. On those days, I can feel like a total loser for not being someone who can power through a giant To-Do list, for not being “normal.”

But I am learning that it is those days that are my biggest winner days, because I do NOT give up, I DO make it, and I LOOK FORWARD to the possibility that the next day holds.

From your yoga practice and studies, what sort of outlook do you have regarding your health?

My outlook is super sunny!

Through Kundalini yoga and dance, I have come to taste and know my own internal resources of power, courage, and beauty.

When I am dancing, I know 100% for sure that I am a piece of the eternal, the infinite in a skin suit. I am the universe exploding through this skin. I get stronger, fitter, more balanced, more creative, happier, more playful, more joyful every single day, and I know that will only be increasing.

How do you manage your health? With western medicine, eastern medicine, alternative therapies or a combination of them all? What one thing helps you the most?

Western medicine has never been helpful for me. Even with my migraines, the medicines that were tried on me did not help and usually made me feel worse. With depression and anxiety, the mix of pills they tried me on, created side effects that were worse than the “illness.”

I do not think Western medicine has anything to offer Chronic Grief, and I do believe with all my heart that the majority of people diagnosed with ANY “mental illness” are actually suffering from Chronic Grief (Ed: even people who don’t have a “mental illness” I reckon!).

They need to speak their grief; they need the grief acknowledged; they need to be told they are amazing for being so strong that they are still alive; and then they need to be helped back into their bodies and thus back into their lives.

I have used some alternative therapies, but it has mostly been telling my story and now dancing it out that has created my health.

Currently, my main self-care method is going to an energy healer every few weeks who does incredible mind-blowing energy work and using singing bowls to create vibrational reactions in my very cells and in my spirit. She cleans me out!

Is there anything else I haven’t asked you, but that you’d like to add?

If I could emphasize one thing here, I would BEG people…no matter your symptoms…to be truthful about your story and not let anyone tell you it is insignificant and to MOVE YOUR BODY. We were made to MOVE. Dancing is in our DNA. Ecstatic, sweating, giggling movement will change your soul and heal your life. I PROMISE.

Where you can find Christine

Blog: BlissChick Social media:

~ / \ ~

Christine – I really like your definition of Chronic Grief. I too, think grief underlies the discontent and unhappiness that many people feel. Something I’ve been coming to terms with lately is that no matter how small you think something might be, if it matters to you, then it matters. Also, the more we cram our emotions down deep inside for fear of their escape, the less likely we are to be happy and healthy. For healing to really happen, we really DO need to be honest with ourselves and tell our stories. So thank you for your wonderful words and for sharing so much with us here!!

If you have any questions for Christine, let her know in the comments. 🙂

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~ Svasti xx

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A serving of help with a side of reflection

23 Saturday Jul 2011

Posted by Svasti in Health & healing, Hypothyroidism, Learnings

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

abundance, cats, Community, Depression, exhaustion, Generosity, gratitude, Hashimoto’s, Love, neighbours, PTSD, Support

A tricky thing for semi-wild/semi-tame creatures like me is letting people in. I wasn’t socialised that way, and for all of my longings for lots of friends and a connected network… well, it’s a two-way street isn’t it?

You see, it’s not just about give and take. It’s that you have to be okay with receiving: accepting what’s offered, free of charge.

Like many people, I had to learn that generosity helps keep the world turning. Our culture is one of consumption and usage and fulfilling our needs. Our own personal needs, that is. Not all families teach their kids about generosity to those outside their family. Mine sure didn’t.

So I’ll admit it: I used to be stingy. For example, many years ago, I used to feel hard done by if I was out for dinner with a bunch of people and my meal cost less than everyone else’s and yet I was expected to pay the same amount as others. I haven’t been that way for a long time now. I give away money, food, clothes and I’ll pick up the dinner tab for me and my friends if I can afford to.

My yoga studies and being around my Guru changed my self-centered feelings of lack, into generosity. Through demonstrations of compassion, sharing, love and giving, thankfully I learned that abundance comes from sharing what you have.

But allowing others to be of service to me (when I’m not paying for it) is something I’m still learning.

A little while ago I asked the universe for a helping hand, because thanks to Hashimoto’s I struggle like a mo-fo with my energy levels sometimes.

It can be exceptionally difficult to get out of bed, but not in an: oh it’s Monday and I don’t wanna go to work, kind of way. What I mean is that it’s physically difficult because I’m exhausted down to my bones.

This means things like taking the rubbish out, doing the dishes, cooking meals and so on, are challenging.

Even though I asked for help somewhat whimsically, I knew I was asking for something I genuinely need. I’d no idea where it’d come from or even if it would.

But it did!!

Little did I realise it’d be my neighbour. I live at on the ground floor at the back of a deep block of apartments. She lives at the front.

By some strange twist in my itinerant lifestyle, I’ve been living in the same apartment for over 2½ years now. For me, that’s seriously some kind of personal best. It’s possibly the longest I’ve lived in one place since I was eighteen.

Anyway, my neighbour and I have little chats whenever we happen to see each other. She has a little girl, and is a stay-at-home mum with a somewhat distant de-facto husband. For ages, I couldn’t remember her name even though she’d introduced herself when I moved in (thanks, PTSD short-term memory failure).

Our friendship has grown organically. At first we swapped pleasantries, then we spoke of her little girl and my nieces. Of job frustrations, and eventually, more personal things. Her relationship issues. My history of PTSD and depression. All while hanging out the washing or talking over her (ground floor) balcony etc.

Then came the little favours. She picked up Miss Cleo cat from the vet after her surgery last year. I’ve looked after her beautiful sweet grey boy cat and she’s fed and dispensed pats to Miss Cleo in my absence.

Miss Cleo and grey neighbour cat (they have a love-hate thing going on)

And so on. We’ve swapped thank you gifts, but we’ve never really taken it any further than that.

Until she noticed me limping around (both times) with my calf muscle tear and asked what was going on. I told her a bit, but as she was on the phone we said we’d talk another time.

Saturday of last week, I’d just come home from my yoga class and was getting ready for my thyroid ultrasound (which is NOT fun btw). She came out of her apartment and I explained about Hashimoto’s and the limping and so on.

I was already feeling pretty emotional, but then she tipped me over. Well if I’m cooking, I’ll put some aside for you if you like. It’s no trouble.

Sobs. This is more than my own parents have offered to do for me. Then she adds, If you need to talk, if you’re feeling really bad or need help with anything, just let me know.

We hug and I tell her how grateful I am for her support. Monday night, she sends me a text message to let me know that dinner will be waiting when I get home. I’m blown away by her kindness and even more so when in response to my gratitude, she texts back: You deserve a helping hand.

Whoah. I do?

The dinner is really tasty. Butter chicken, rice and vegetables.

I’m still sitting with this idea however, that someone thinks I deserve support. Accepting and receiving care is humbling for me. I guess I’m just not used to it.

But I’m realising that in order to be an effective giver of services to others, I also need to know what it feels like to receive.

I’ll tell you what it feels like. A freakin’ miracle, that’s what.

~ Svasti

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False walls and exit doors

03 Sunday Jul 2011

Posted by Svasti in Depression, Hypothyroidism, Life Rant

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

Ayurveda, black thoughts, catch 22, Depression, eclipsed new moon, Health, injury, mayhem, PTSD, Sadness, sociopaths, surrendering, thyroid

This is a different post than the one I’d planned to share. But I’m having a hard time finding a point in a lot of my writing right now. I’m struggling. I know these feelings aren’t permanent but all of my darkest thoughts are out to play and I’ve gotta tell you folks, it’s mayhem in Svasti-land.

Tore a calf muscle earlier this week. As if my life doesn’t have enough crap in it, I was trying to run for the train and without obvious cause I could no longer walk properly. Just a twang inside my right leg and look Ma, I’m Hop-a-long Svasti In Considerably Unpleasant Pain.

Been working with an Ayurvedic practitioner in recent times to work on a more holistic approach to healing my thyroid. Ayurveda is Indian traditional medicine and it’s amazing and powerful. Apparently my due to the many imbalances in my body right now, it’s not surprising that there’s dryness in my soft tissues. Which means things like this can happen more easily.

Great. Frickin GREAT.

Friday brought the eclipsed new moon, which I felt very keenly. Its energy brought certain truths to light that I’ve been trying to ignore as best as I could: as much as I love working in the digital industry, the people I have to work with sometimes are just killing me.

People being assholes who are more interested in stroking their ego than they are in being professional, courteous, efficient and respectful. In corporate life, there are more people like this than not. I suspect half of them are sociopaths, while the others I think are just sad, lonely people who don’t know any better than to lash out at their work mates.

But it’s more than that. I’m in this catch 22 of needing the money I’m earning in order to reach my goal of being debt-free as quickly as I can. Not to mention that right now I have a lot of health-related expenses – doctors, meds, vitamins and herbs, alternative medicine consultations and now massages (for that cranky right calf of mine).

Essentially, I need to get out of this line of work but I can’t afford to just yet.

So add all of these things up – my health, a mystery injury and admitting the truth of my career situation to myself… and I’ve been feeling a little crappy this weekend.

Not that I haven’t tried to buck myself up.

Yesterday I got another massage ostensibly for my calf, but in truth my entire body aches. Not just from the strain of limping and hobbling my way through the week, but because I still carry my old shoulder injury and untold amounts of tension from PTSD.

As a yogi, I’m pretty darn bendy but regardless of that and no matter how much yoga I do, my body retains some powerful clenching abilities. So it hurts – something that should feel good and nourishing to my body, it bloody hurts.

Post-massage and before my haircut appointment (my first since the Great Hair Debacle which I haven’t written about here) I had a meal at a fabulous new cafe, only three weeks old. It has this eclectic menu including the Asian-style jook I ordered. It was great, but what really won me over was the super-large tea pot (above) that my lemongrass and ginger tea arrived in.

So I was doing what I could to make the weekend enjoyable despite my limp and those truthful truths yammering away. My new haircut made me feel so much better about looking in the mirror for the first time in ages. Which is good.

But it wasn’t enough. Black thoughts have been welling up. They smell suspiciously like depression and I’ve noticed too, how everything is a little less bright. Colours aren’t as vivid and even though I know the way out, I can’t stop myself from wandering in a little deeper. Not just yet.

Because these thoughts, they want to be heard. Even if they are the voice of depression and loss and therefore, rather unbalanced. They go a little something like this:

Life isn’t like a fairy tale. There are no prescribed, audience approved happily ever afters. Some people get lucky and others don’t. That’s just the way it is and it seems like I’m one of those people who isn’t gonna get lucky. My sister has three children now, three! My three best girlfriends are all happily married. One of them is pregnant with her second child, the other with her first and the third is in the process of trying to get pregnant. One of these women I’ve always thought of as a little sister and yet here she is, surpassing me while my own life STILL stands still. I desperately want to let other people in, to date, to have a boyfriend, but at the same time I aint letting anyone in anytime soon. I try and try and try to get past it all, to heal, to move on. But just when I think I’m getting somewhere… SURPRISE. Here, have a chronic health problem. Here, lose the ability to walk properly. And for good measure, let’s throw in a couple of egotistical assholes at my workplace, too.

Still, I can’t find a permanent job and what’s worse, I don’t even want one. Not anymore. Not this line of work and having to deal with people who are less than honest and truthful with themselves and other people. This isn’t who I am but right now I don’t have a choice, do I? EVERY TIME I think I’m closer to my goals, the goalposts move. There is no end. No hope for me. No magical shift where suddenly my health is sorted and my metabolism starts working again, I drop that extra weight and finish paying off my debts. That’s an ending from one of those stupid chick flicks I hate so much and it’s just not real.

What’s real is what’s here. I try my best. I do service work. I do what I can for others and I take pleasure in the little things whenever I can. I do. But I don’t know what it’d feel like to be free anymore. As much as I love my nieces, I really wish I’d never moved back to Melbourne. But here I am, and I’m doing what I can to leave although sometimes it feels like I never will. Not ever.

Even though the saying goes you’re never given more than you can handle, I’m utterly sick to death of being given more to handle again and again while nothing seems to change.

I truthfully don’t know what to do next. If this was a war, I’d be surrendering to the other side right about now…

~Svasti

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PTSD can cause real physical health problems

14 Saturday May 2011

Posted by Svasti in Health & healing, Hypothyroidism, Post-traumatic stress

≈ 13 Comments

Tags

adrenal exhaustion, Anxiety, auto-immune, Ayurveda, Chronic stress, Depression, dis-ease, exhaustion, game on, gluten free, gluten intolerance, Healing, Health, himoto’s thyroiditis, hypothyroidism, leaky gut, PTSD, self-nurture, Spleen, thyroid, yang energy

It’s a little challenging sometimes to get the facts of life through this thick noggin of mine. For some reason, I’ve a tendency to not believe things are real.

So this whole: yes, my body is sicker than I was aware of thing is taking some getting used to. Of course I knew I was having bouts of exhaustion, but I hadn’t associated that with anything in particular. And thyroid issues it seems, are known to be difficult to diagnose because their symptoms often appear as other things – like depression and anxiety, for starters.

I’ve no way of knowing how long this has been going on, but based on my sketchy knowledge of Ayurveda I’d say it’s been a while. The organs and glands are not the first parts of the body to break down during dis-ease, but they’re also not the last.

What’s been really impressive has been the vast amount of information I’ve gathered from Twitter, including several excellent pieces of advice.

Three of the most important things I’ve learned in the last week are:

  • Chronic stress can cause adrenal exhaustion, which in turn can trigger hypothyroidism and/or the auto-immune version of hypothyroidism, called Hashimoto’s thyroiditis.
  • Generally associated with thyroidism is some level of gluten intolerance and/or leaky gut.
  • There is PLENTY that a person can do other than take synthetic hormones to sort out this imbalance in the body.
    Here’s one woman’s story of what she did.

Bottom line #1: If you ever had any doubt about the body and mind being one and the same, seeing PTSD translate into a very real physical illness should be all the proof you require.

Bottom line #2: Never, ever, accept the standard western medical treatment without researching other options.

So far it’s been a wild learning curve and I know there’s plenty more to come.

Right now, I’m temporarily taking synthetic hormone medication for one month because it’s part of the protocol my current doctor wants me to follow. I’m not terribly happy about this! After that, I’ll have more blood tests to work out if I’ve got plain old hypothyroidism or Hashimoto’s.

In the meanwhile, I’m also taking a small army of supplements including:

  • Olive leaf extract (which I’ve been taking for ages to support my immune system)
  • Fish oil (another one I’ve been taking for ages – good for joints and cholesterol)
  • L-Tyrosine – this made me feel SO. MUCH. BETTER. The almost ever-constant anxiety I was experiencing, that’d flare up without much cause is now gone. Yep, GONE. This is an amino acid and it’s referred to as “neuro-transmitter support”. It is incredible!
  • Liquid iron (better for absorption, and doesn’t cause constipation like the tablet form. Also includes vitamin C in the blend) – related to adrenal exhaustion
  • Magnesium – to support iron absorption
  • Huge doses of B12 and vitamin D – which I am deficient in right now and this is also related to adrenal exhaustion

But that’s not all. I’m working with my acupuncture guy on my spleen/yang energy – which is also connected to the thyroid. He’s gonna give me some herbs and needles to see what can be done to support my body.

AND I’ve started – somewhat fitfully – eating gluten free. I can report that the first few days my body was having a little celebration at the change in my eating habits. I felt like it was literally singing to me!

But I’ve had to work out what’s okay and not okay to eat. Obviously things like bread are totally out (unless it’s gluten-free chia bread!), but other things I’d eat occasionally like dumplings, fries (cross-contamination issues), and even most potato chips are OUT. So is blue cheese (*cries*). My breakfast cereal, which I thought was okay as it was wheat-free, just isn’t. Barley and rye also have to go, you see.

The weird thing is that after even just a few days without gluten, then slipping up with stuff I wasn’t aware of… WOW, my belly hurts! That’d also be me just double checking to see if this thing is really REAL (thick noggin, remember?).

Interestingly, I noticed that I’d been having this sort of tight, bloated pain for a while. Only I hadn’t realised before now that this was a symptom of gluten intolerance. Amazing what we put up with, isn’t it?

So mostly I’m sticking to very simple meals – fish, organic chicken, rice, steamed veggies (drizzled with tahini – YUM!) and salads. Stuff like that. I’ve found a wonderful gluten free breakfast cereal and the previously mentioned chia bread. The other thing I’m meant to do is eat smaller meals more frequently.

Basically, I’m not taking any of this lying down (see bottom line #2). I’ve already got some leads on doctors that work more holistically when it comes to thyroid issues. So once I get my test results, I’ll probably switch doctors because I want someone who knows this stuff inside out and is prepared to go further than just giving me replacement hormones!

Food, exercise, proper rest, yoga and meditation – along with the appropriate supplements etc – all appear to be the way to go.

I’m also doing some work on my self-nurture abilities: today I had an awesome “me” day! Post-yoga class, I had myself a lovely time – getting my eyebrows waxed, a massage, going to a movie, buying some lovely fruit tea, a new light for my push bike, and wandering at a leisurely pace back towards my part of the world.

Game on, people. It’s game-freakin’-on.

~Svasti

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