Chronic Yogi interview: Rachel Hawes

Tags

brainfog, cake, CFS, chronic pain, Dave Grohl, Desikachar, empathetic, exhaustion, fairy dust sprinkler, Fibromyalgia, glitter, Insomnia, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, kittens, light/sound sensitivity, massage therapist, migraines, myalgic encephalomyelitis, pilates, pranayama, pugs, Punk rock yogini, Rachel Hawes, Suburban Yogini, Tara Fraser, unbendy yoga teachers

Name: Rachel (aka Suburban Yogini)

Bio: Punk rock yogini, teacher, writer, massage therapist, sprinkler of fairy dust + lover of all things glitter, cake, kittens, pugs and Dave Grohl.

How long have you been a student of yoga? And how long have you been teaching?

I went to my first yoga class as a child alongside my mum and I’ve been hooked on and off ever since. I went to a weekly class right through college and university (I’d been a dance student in college and it really helped my posture and flexibility), but it wasn’t really until my mid-twenties that I started to see it as anything other than a physical practice.

I’ve been teaching since 2005.

What sort of yoga do you teach?

Rachel Yoga 🙂

My background is very mixed. It was very Astanga Vinyasa based up until about 2004/2005 when I met Tara Fraser of Yoga Junction who practiced and taught in the style of TKV Desikachar. My teaching probably lies very much in that tradition, although when I’m lesson planning all kinds of things can come in as warm-ups and counterposes – stuff from my dance training, stuff from my Pilates training (I’m training to teach Pilates at the moment), just stuff that feels right, you know?

On the flyers it says Hatha though – it’s simpler that way!

Which form of chronic illness do you live with? When were you first diagnosed?

I was first diagnosed with M.E. (myalgic encephalomyelitis) when I was 17 and I’ve lived with it on and off (and through various name changes – CFS/Fibromyalgia) ever since. There are good periods and bad periods. More good than bad most of the time I’m happy to say.

What sort of symptoms do you experience? Is there a known cure for your condition?

The symptoms are manifold and no sufferer seems to have the same set of symptoms which is why the medical profession find it so hard to pin down and why some still think it’s all in the mind (it’s not, I can assure you).

For me the symptoms have been as diverse as migraines and Irritable Bowel Syndrome, chronic pain and light/sound sensitivity, chronic sore throats and just plain old bone aching exhaustion.

But the worst of them all is the brainfog. The brainfog leaves you incapable of remembering your keys or the previous chapter of your book and there have been times I’ve stopped mid-yoga lesson not really sure what I’m meant to be teaching next. Never be without a class plan, that’s my motto! (Ed: Me too!)

There is no known cure. There isn’t even any agreement as to what causes it although my money is on it being neurological rather than auto-immune.

I also have a C-shaped congenital upper thoracic scoliosis. This wasn’t discovered until adulthood, so again there is no treatment other than osteopathy/chiropractic.

Did you start teaching yoga before or after you got sick?

After – long after!

If you got sick THEN started teaching yoga, what was going through your mind when you applied for yoga teacher training? Was your YTT impacted by your illness?

YTT in the UK is a massive commitment. You do a year’s foundation course first followed by the full YTT which is equivalent to Yoga Alliance’s 200 and 500 hours put together I believe and takes another 2-3 years. I thought long and hard about it to be honest. I didn’t see how someone this sick and tired, with a spine that just did not bend could possibly commit to the training.

It was Tara Fraser again who encouraged me, saying the world needed more empathetic unbendy yoga teachers bless her! So I did it.

On the first day of YTT I met L, who had had surgery for two herniated discs. The sick and the lame sort of stuck together on my YTT and we’ve been inseparable ever since!

Half-way through my YTT I did have a really bad patch. I’d just moved across London away from Tara’s studio and also Tara had gone on maternity leave so I found myself teacherless. I was working full time in law too then (yeah, I have no idea how I did it to be honest!) and I just needed a break. I took a six month hiatus from YTT and then joined again to take my final exams.

Have you ever shared your health condition with your students? If so, what happened? Has anyone ever reacted negatively?

I don’t share it with everyone, just if it seems relevant – more with private clients than group classes, although I do talk about the scoliosis a lot more than the ME. It’s more relevant to most people.

That said, it’s all up there on my website so anyone who’s read that will already know and that’s fine with me.

The only negativity I’ve had towards my health, sadly, has been from other teachers who seem to think it makes me “not good enough” (Ed: wtf!!) rather than from students, who all seem to quite like me!

Does your health ever affect they way you sequence your yoga classes?

Not that I’m aware of no, but I did learn at a very early stage in my career to teach without demonstration – partly not to wear myself out and partly because well, no –one needs to see my backbends!! When it comes to backbends for example I will use a student who I know well to do them. Himself (Ed: Rachel’s partner) has a very bendy back so I use him sometimes!

Chronic illnesses can be very frustrating. Do/did you ever feel angry about your diagnosis? How does it impact your own yoga practice and your life in general?

I get frustrated a lot, especially with the brainfog and the dropping things and the pain (pain is exhausting and yes, I take painkillers, I’m not ashamed to admit it). But here’s the thing. I was so young when I got diagnosed that sometimes I don’t remember anything else. And actually, in hindsight, I wonder if I haven’t had this since I was a kid.

Somehow having always had it seems less frustrating because I never knew adult life without it, so I never had to give anything up, if that makes sense. Everything I’ve done I’ve done with M.E. and as a kick in the face for M.E., rather than thinking “Oh I used to do this before I got sick”. I consider myself lucky because of that.

Have you experienced any “dark night of the soul” moments/hours/days in dealing with your illness? What got you through?

One of the most annoying symptoms is insomnia. I go through some really bad periods when I hardly sleep at all and 3am is a bad time for everyone when it comes to “dark nights of the soul”! I get though it with a mixture of good books, camomile tea, chocolate, pranayama and legs up the wall pose (Viparita Karani).

From your yoga practice and studies, what sort of outlook do you have regarding your health?

Despite the frustration and the bad bad days (and the brainfog, when I don’t really have the capacity for an outlook at all), I have a pretty live-and-let-live outlook to it. After all, there is very little I can do to change it other than what I am already doing. There is no point whining about “why me” because really “why not me?”. When I was being diagnosed I had tests for a lot of very very scary things, so I’m pretty grateful not to have any of them really.

Giving up the 9-5 grind to teach yoga and massage really helped. I’m lucky enough to have a very supportive partner for that one, and appreciate that not everyone is in a position they can give up work. But I really think that I’m lucky to have never known a different life to this.

My regular yoga practice and continuing studies keep me grounded which I think is really important to help prevent me getting too caught up in my symptoms and pranayama is a god-send, seriously!

How do you manage your health? With western medicine, eastern medicine, alternative therapies or a combination of them all? What one thing helps you the most?

Yoga, Pilates (I always say yoga helps my soul, pilates helps my spine!), massage, reiki, cranial osteopathy and chiropractic. I don’t know if one helps more than the other or not, it’s a perfect combination! I have played around with my diet as well although when I find something that works it only seems to for a little while. I’m currently experimenting with gluten free. Western medicine gives me painkillers, which isn’t ideal of course but is sometimes very necessary to carry on with my life.

Do you have any questions for Rachel? If so, ask away in the comments section!

Where you can find Rachel

Blog: Suburban Yogini		Business website: Fusion Massage & Movement
Social media:

~ / \ ~

HUGE thanks to Rachel for stepping up as my very first interviewee! I hear you on the brainfog, the light/sound sensitivities and the exhaustion.

I think we all owe Tara Fraser a debt of gratitude for encouraging Rachel to complete her YTT. And I don’t know how she did such a rigorous training while working full-time, either!

Kudos to you, lovely!! And once again, thank you for sharing with us all! xx

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~ Svasti

A serving of help with a side of reflection

Tags

abundance, cats, Community, Depression, exhaustion, Generosity, gratitude, Hashimoto’s, Love, neighbours, PTSD, Support

A tricky thing for semi-wild/semi-tame creatures like me is letting people in. I wasn’t socialised that way, and for all of my longings for lots of friends and a connected network… well, it’s a two-way street isn’t it?

You see, it’s not just about give and take. It’s that you have to be okay with receiving: accepting what’s offered, free of charge.

Like many people, I had to learn that generosity helps keep the world turning. Our culture is one of consumption and usage and fulfilling our needs. Our own personal needs, that is. Not all families teach their kids about generosity to those outside their family. Mine sure didn’t.

So I’ll admit it: I used to be stingy. For example, many years ago, I used to feel hard done by if I was out for dinner with a bunch of people and my meal cost less than everyone else’s and yet I was expected to pay the same amount as others. I haven’t been that way for a long time now. I give away money, food, clothes and I’ll pick up the dinner tab for me and my friends if I can afford to.

My yoga studies and being around my Guru changed my self-centered feelings of lack, into generosity. Through demonstrations of compassion, sharing, love and giving, thankfully I learned that abundance comes from sharing what you have.

But allowing others to be of service to me (when I’m not paying for it) is something I’m still learning.

A little while ago I asked the universe for a helping hand, because thanks to Hashimoto’s I struggle like a mo-fo with my energy levels sometimes.

It can be exceptionally difficult to get out of bed, but not in an: oh it’s Monday and I don’t wanna go to work, kind of way. What I mean is that it’s physically difficult because I’m exhausted down to my bones.

This means things like taking the rubbish out, doing the dishes, cooking meals and so on, are challenging.

Even though I asked for help somewhat whimsically, I knew I was asking for something I genuinely need. I’d no idea where it’d come from or even if it would.

But it did!!

Little did I realise it’d be my neighbour. I live at on the ground floor at the back of a deep block of apartments. She lives at the front.

By some strange twist in my itinerant lifestyle, I’ve been living in the same apartment for over 2½ years now. For me, that’s seriously some kind of personal best. It’s possibly the longest I’ve lived in one place since I was eighteen.

Anyway, my neighbour and I have little chats whenever we happen to see each other. She has a little girl, and is a stay-at-home mum with a somewhat distant de-facto husband. For ages, I couldn’t remember her name even though she’d introduced herself when I moved in (thanks, PTSD short-term memory failure).

Our friendship has grown organically. At first we swapped pleasantries, then we spoke of her little girl and my nieces. Of job frustrations, and eventually, more personal things. Her relationship issues. My history of PTSD and depression. All while hanging out the washing or talking over her (ground floor) balcony etc.

Then came the little favours. She picked up Miss Cleo cat from the vet after her surgery last year. I’ve looked after her beautiful sweet grey boy cat and she’s fed and dispensed pats to Miss Cleo in my absence.

Miss Cleo and grey neighbour cat (they have a love-hate thing going on)

And so on. We’ve swapped thank you gifts, but we’ve never really taken it any further than that.

Until she noticed me limping around (both times) with my calf muscle tear and asked what was going on. I told her a bit, but as she was on the phone we said we’d talk another time.

Saturday of last week, I’d just come home from my yoga class and was getting ready for my thyroid ultrasound (which is NOT fun btw). She came out of her apartment and I explained about Hashimoto’s and the limping and so on.

I was already feeling pretty emotional, but then she tipped me over. Well if I’m cooking, I’ll put some aside for you if you like. It’s no trouble.

Sobs. This is more than my own parents have offered to do for me. Then she adds, If you need to talk, if you’re feeling really bad or need help with anything, just let me know.

We hug and I tell her how grateful I am for her support. Monday night, she sends me a text message to let me know that dinner will be waiting when I get home. I’m blown away by her kindness and even more so when in response to my gratitude, she texts back: You deserve a helping hand.

Whoah. I do?

The dinner is really tasty. Butter chicken, rice and vegetables.

I’m still sitting with this idea however, that someone thinks I deserve support. Accepting and receiving care is humbling for me. I guess I’m just not used to it.

But I’m realising that in order to be an effective giver of services to others, I also need to know what it feels like to receive.

I’ll tell you what it feels like. A freakin’ miracle, that’s what.

~ Svasti

PTSD can cause real physical health problems

Tags

adrenal exhaustion, Anxiety, auto-immune, Ayurveda, Chronic stress, Depression, dis-ease, exhaustion, game on, gluten free, gluten intolerance, Healing, Health, himoto’s thyroiditis, hypothyroidism, leaky gut, PTSD, self-nurture, Spleen, thyroid, yang energy

It’s a little challenging sometimes to get the facts of life through this thick noggin of mine. For some reason, I’ve a tendency to not believe things are real.

So this whole: yes, my body is sicker than I was aware of thing is taking some getting used to. Of course I knew I was having bouts of exhaustion, but I hadn’t associated that with anything in particular. And thyroid issues it seems, are known to be difficult to diagnose because their symptoms often appear as other things – like depression and anxiety, for starters.

I’ve no way of knowing how long this has been going on, but based on my sketchy knowledge of Ayurveda I’d say it’s been a while. The organs and glands are not the first parts of the body to break down during dis-ease, but they’re also not the last.

What’s been really impressive has been the vast amount of information I’ve gathered from Twitter, including several excellent pieces of advice.

Three of the most important things I’ve learned in the last week are:

• Chronic stress can cause adrenal exhaustion, which in turn can trigger hypothyroidism and/or the auto-immune version of hypothyroidism, called Hashimoto’s thyroiditis.
• Generally associated with thyroidism is some level of gluten intolerance and/or leaky gut.
• There is PLENTY that a person can do other than take synthetic hormones to sort out this imbalance in the body.
  Here’s one woman’s story of what she did.

Bottom line #1: If you ever had any doubt about the body and mind being one and the same, seeing PTSD translate into a very real physical illness should be all the proof you require.

Bottom line #2: Never, ever, accept the standard western medical treatment without researching other options.

So far it’s been a wild learning curve and I know there’s plenty more to come.

Right now, I’m temporarily taking synthetic hormone medication for one month because it’s part of the protocol my current doctor wants me to follow. I’m not terribly happy about this! After that, I’ll have more blood tests to work out if I’ve got plain old hypothyroidism or Hashimoto’s.

In the meanwhile, I’m also taking a small army of supplements including:

• Olive leaf extract (which I’ve been taking for ages to support my immune system)
• Fish oil (another one I’ve been taking for ages – good for joints and cholesterol)
• L-Tyrosine – this made me feel SO. MUCH. BETTER. The almost ever-constant anxiety I was experiencing, that’d flare up without much cause is now gone. Yep, GONE. This is an amino acid and it’s referred to as “neuro-transmitter support”. It is incredible!
• Liquid iron (better for absorption, and doesn’t cause constipation like the tablet form. Also includes vitamin C in the blend) – related to adrenal exhaustion
• Magnesium – to support iron absorption
• Huge doses of B12 and vitamin D – which I am deficient in right now and this is also related to adrenal exhaustion

But that’s not all. I’m working with my acupuncture guy on my spleen/yang energy – which is also connected to the thyroid. He’s gonna give me some herbs and needles to see what can be done to support my body.

AND I’ve started – somewhat fitfully – eating gluten free. I can report that the first few days my body was having a little celebration at the change in my eating habits. I felt like it was literally singing to me!

But I’ve had to work out what’s okay and not okay to eat. Obviously things like bread are totally out (unless it’s gluten-free chia bread!), but other things I’d eat occasionally like dumplings, fries (cross-contamination issues), and even most potato chips are OUT. So is blue cheese (*cries*). My breakfast cereal, which I thought was okay as it was wheat-free, just isn’t. Barley and rye also have to go, you see.

The weird thing is that after even just a few days without gluten, then slipping up with stuff I wasn’t aware of… WOW, my belly hurts! That’d also be me just double checking to see if this thing is really REAL (thick noggin, remember?).

Interestingly, I noticed that I’d been having this sort of tight, bloated pain for a while. Only I hadn’t realised before now that this was a symptom of gluten intolerance. Amazing what we put up with, isn’t it?

So mostly I’m sticking to very simple meals – fish, organic chicken, rice, steamed veggies (drizzled with tahini – YUM!) and salads. Stuff like that. I’ve found a wonderful gluten free breakfast cereal and the previously mentioned chia bread. The other thing I’m meant to do is eat smaller meals more frequently.

Basically, I’m not taking any of this lying down (see bottom line #2). I’ve already got some leads on doctors that work more holistically when it comes to thyroid issues. So once I get my test results, I’ll probably switch doctors because I want someone who knows this stuff inside out and is prepared to go further than just giving me replacement hormones!

Food, exercise, proper rest, yoga and meditation – along with the appropriate supplements etc – all appear to be the way to go.

I’m also doing some work on my self-nurture abilities: today I had an awesome “me” day! Post-yoga class, I had myself a lovely time – getting my eyebrows waxed, a massage, going to a movie, buying some lovely fruit tea, a new light for my push bike, and wandering at a leisurely pace back towards my part of the world.

Game on, people. It’s game-freakin’-on.

~Svasti