Dammit, I used to be the Salad Queen!

Tags

comfort food, Depression, diamond shards, Food, fox hole, half-life of trauma habits, jigsaw puzzle, PTSD, salad queen, sleep, smack down, time, Trauma

Recovering from trauma and depression is not unlike trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle: one made of thousands of tiny shards of a diamond. Sometimes those broken pieces are blatantly obvious, while others are almost invisible and you just can’t find ’em for quids no matter how hard you look. That is, until you end up slicing open your foot, blood everywhere.

There’s always, it seems, more to do. More to heal. Unravel. Soothe. Re-program. Sure, the pieces you recover might get smaller and smaller, but that doesn’t mean they’re any less important.

Time moves on and regardless of when the initial impact occurred, you’re still picking up the pieces for years and years, because they hide in the darnedest places.

The half-life of trauma habits

2009 was huge for me. So much happened! I became a yoga teacher, was unemployed for almost four months and took enormous leaps in healing my PTSD. At the same time, I very nearly succumbed to a most heinous and black-natured episode of depression.

In 2010, life was still up and down a whole bunch but gradually a sense of lightness encroached on the territory previously staked out and defended vigilantly by trauma. I felt rather absurd in my enjoyment of life, with the stark comparison of blacker times in my very recent history. But it was all good because those feelings of lightness kept coming back!

Okay, maybe they didn’t come back every day, and maybe there was plenty of hard work still going on. But suddenly I felt supported in my struggle. For every crappy time where I still wondered if stepping in front of a bus was a viable alternative to my empty, pathetic life… there was a yoga class that drastically re-organised my inner world, or a beautiful sunset that entranced me.

Despite my improving state of mind I was still barely coping with the bad habits that trauma had engraved deeply into my life: bad eating, sleeping too much and being quite hopeless at getting anywhere on time. Others were more subtle: withdrawing from being around people, avoiding conflict at all costs, and let’s not forget that broken stress reaction that causes anxiety attacks over a storm in a teacup.

It seemed grossly unfair. PTSD and depression had moved in, trashed the joint and even though they’d been evicted, they hung around outside a lot, yelling abuse and getting drunk in the driveway. And of course, they left behind one hell of a mess.

Thankfully, a couple of those habits have recently begun to break down. Kinda. I mean, I’m still not entirely in the clear. But things are better, y’know?

The first is food

Eating regularly and properly. For a good long while after that initial impact, I had no interest in or capacity for cooking whatsoever. And because I lived alone there wasn’t anyone around who noticed, and I certainly didn’t.

I’d eat ice-cream for dinner for weeks on end. Or cheese and crackers. Or grilled vegemite and cheese. Or nothing.

Occasionally I’d get my shit together and make a huge pot of soup. I ate a lot of take-out and really boring, repetitive meals because I hadn’t the energy or appetite for anything better. Comfort food was a staple, as long as it was easy to prepare or order.

Of course, I’d still pretend to eat well – buying groceries and then regretfully throwing most of them out. I didn’t care though really. It was all just more of the same as far as I was concerned: more days of trauma and fear that left me wishing life would just call time.

So you could say that caring about what I ate was very low on my agenda.

It’s still hard. I’ve gotten out of the habit of making food for myself and it’s not like the cat is going to encourage me. I reckon I still eat too much take-out, and I keep “convenience” meals around, like rice cakes and tuna to substitute for a “real lunch”.

I sure as heck eat far less ice-cream and cheese than I used to – they give me a belly ache anyway. And I’m working on encouraging myself, which generally boils down to making sure I have plenty of time to prepare my food.

Dammit, I used to be the Salad Queen! I made completely EPIC salads, full of tuna, eggs, nuts, seeds, herbs and all kinds of crunchy green goodness. I’d make them day after day, varying the contents or the dressing. And I loved them!

And I’d be all over making simple but tasty evening meals as well. Meals that I now struggle to find the energy or time for. But hey, I have plenty of time for other things, just not making my own food.

Good news, kids: the Salad Queen is making a comeback. It’s kind of on the quiet side, but it is happening.

The second is time and/or getting out of bed

The seductiveness of spending hours or days in bed, barely moving. Comforting. Safe. It’s a rough gig when you feel that awful and still need to be somewhere on time. Like your regular 9-5 day job, for example.

Granted, I had something of an issue with time before all this happened, but that was more to do with being young and irresponsible.

Depression changed all of that and for a long time the only way to feel safe was in my bed (well mostly, anyway).

Waking up was like trying to stop myself from falling. Impossible to do, balanced on a precipice and desperate to hold on to that relatively painless state of mind, ensconced in a bubble of beautiful disassociation. Nothing hurt there, when the nightmares were at bay. It was worse than the time I had glandular fever which left me deathly exhausted from merely walking up a short flight of stairs. Worse than that. Way worse, because at least with glandular fever, I wanted to try.

Leaving the house to go anywhere was an enormous act of will. It still kind of is. That feeling of home as my fox hole is very strong, and it’s very easy to spend all day there if I don’t have anywhere to be. Perhaps that’d be okay if I lived with other people, but as a solo act it’s pretty anti-social, right?

Structure is what I need to keep my weekends operational. Places I’m expected to be, things I’ve gotta do. I’ll write a list to remember what has to happen (buy extortionately expensive cat food, fix my bike etc) and then string those activities off whatever structure I’ve managed to form in order to do stuff and not waste an entire day, again.

Though, these days I’m naturally waking up earlier. There’s more of an impulse to leave the fox hole – gasp – just for a walk in the sun, with nowhere in particular to be. More often than not I can even get places on time – having to show up to teach yoga classes has strongly influenced my time management skills.

And heck yeah, having these things in some sort of order is kinda nice.

Smacking down those habits!

The shrugging off of trauma habits moves perhaps as slowly as everything else has. Piece by piece, and I notice another non-operational part only when I see it. It feels disabling to still be lumped with habits formed for reasons that are no longer valid, but it’s exciting to know that I’m now in a position to do something about them.

Yeah, I used to be the Salad Queen

The Salad Queen!

The Salad Queen!

Once upon a time, that was then

That’s right, I used to be the Salad Queen

The Salad Queen!

The Salad Queen!

And I’m coming back for my crown once again!

~Svasti

Yoga, Grace and time out

Tags

Asana, bones, Dagnabbit, dancing dust motes, Dyson, fox hole, freelance, Grace, herbs in the window, Lululemon, marmas, mirages, mission-critical, new things, remedial massage, security blanket, Shadow Yoga, substitute teaching, Tara Stiles, time out, Universe, Yoga, Yoga In Daily Life, yoga teaching

Just to be a touch more specific (as opposed to my previous post), here’s one of those New Things I hinted at but with a few more details this time.

Well, it’s a new-old thing really: last Friday I finished up a five week stint of freelance work. Originally it was meant to be only two weeks. And when I started at the very end of July, I had several seemingly decent options for more permanent/long term work.

I was even verballed: “We definitely want you, you’re the right person for the job!”

Uh huh.

But as the freelance work was extended, the other offers evaporated in ways most surprising. From one angle they looked very solid and convincing but shifting to the side a little,  seems they were nothing but dancing dust motes glistening in the sunlight. I’d tell you how it all went down but y’know, the upshot is that those so-called possible jobs weren’t real.

It was weird, and not weird. I mean, before going into some of those interviews I KNEW already that they weren’t gonna work out. In one instance, I looked into the face of one of the people interviewing me and thought: This is a very angry man and I wouldn’t care to work for him. In yet another, I realised even as I was doing my best to spruik my skills, I knew I didn’t want to work there.

So what was wrong with these people and places? Probably nothing. I think it has more to do with me (and more on that soon, too)…

Meanwhile, I was totally rocking the freelance job. Possibly because the actual work involved was stuff I’d mastered long ago so it wasn’t challenging. Not that that matters for freelance work, and still, I LOVE making stuff in the digital space. The people were nice, and it was a twenty-minute cycle from my place when the traffic was heavy. Fifteen minutes on a good day!

Even at this job however, there were mirages… people sniffing around to see if they could hire me. The only problem was that the job that was available was the one I was doing for them already. Which means that basically I would’ve been ridiculously bored within a few months. So, not ideal…

Then last Wednesday I was unexpectedly told that Friday would be my last day. They’d found someone for the role who was more “mid-weight” in their experience (and presumably not costing them as much as I did). And that was that… I was out of there. The way of the world in the freelance space!

So I’m once again faced with joblessness. And I know that a couple of you have outrageously suggested that perhaps this is all a sign to move on to a New Path! Yes, yes… I get that! And I get that from the Universe as well, who is being rather persistent in Her attempts to push me towards New Things, too.

Dagnabbit!

So, on top of the substitute teaching I’m doing with the blokey yogis (last week’s class didn’t happen BTW, because too many of them were away but we’re soooo ON for this Friday), I’ve also scored another subbing gig. This is a one-off for now, but in general I’m on their books!

And it’s all thanks to the wonderful Sevapuri (@yidl), who I became friends with via Twitter. We met up a few months back when he was in Melbourne (from Sydney) for dinner and a chat about all things yoga. Recently, he kindly suggested me as a sub to the Melbourne Yoga In Daily Life school.

So last Saturday I sat in on the class I’ll be teaching (a very easy/general level class) and got the run down on turning lights and heaters on and off etc. As it turns out, this week I’ll be teaching a Hatha/Vinyasa blokes class on Friday (very early in the morning!), followed by a super-gentle/traditional Hatha class mid-morning on Saturday. Quite a nice balance really.

And… I do hear you, Universe. I do. I get that I’m meant to do more yoga teaching. BUT I need you to understand that right now, just teaching a few classes here and there isn’t gonna pay my rent. So I’d appreciate a little leeway and I’d ESPECIALLY appreciate a semi-long term/more permanent job in the interim. Yeah?

If we can get that happening, then I promise that I’ll step up my plans for yoga teaching!

In fact, I’ve already started. Last Saturday on my way back from the Yoga In Daily Life school, I dropped in at Lululemon to inquire about running classes there. I’m now on their yoga teacher list!

Also, after thinking about it for months, today I finally took down the number of a church hall round the corner from my place. I’m gonna call them and see what they charge to rent out their space. There’s also a PCYC just down the road from me I’ll be getting in touch with, too.

Truthfully, I’ve been quite afraid of taking on yoga teaching properly. For reasons I might explore in another post sometime!

But then in light of the whole Tara-Stiles-fat-burning-yoga/hey-yoga-is-anything-we-want-it-to-be saga… well, I’m feeling more confident in what I have to offer. I mean, I know there’s this whole new skill I’m learning (called teaching other people!!), but my knowledge of yoga and years of training means that yeah, I’m pretty sure I’ve already got something to share.

In some ways I still consider myself a beginner in terms of my yoga studies. Okay, perhaps I’m a little more than a beginner, but there’s still SO MUCH I don’t know! But hey, if something I’ve learned in the past nine or so years can provide inspiration, an opening, some joy etc, to others, then whoohoo!

Right…

I made very good use of today, my first day of not having a job again. I can’t quite believe it, but I did something incredibly domestic (and much needed): took my Dyson vacuum cleaner in for a service. There’s one service center in Melbourne, and it’s only open 9-5 Monday-Friday. Of course! So heck yeah, why not use my time off to sort out such ridiculous things, eh?

Then after a rather mission-critical (i.e. no food in house) grocery shop, I ate lunch at a delightful little cafe near my place, where the above photo was taken. Don’t you just love the herbs in the window? I was drawn to them, and sat at the bench there to eat a most flavoursome minestrone.

For the afternoon, I’d booked a remedial massage for that pesky shoulder of mine. It is getting better BTW, slowly but surely with a combination of yoga, physio, massage, and probably some acupuncture thrown in soon, too. It’s still rather painful, but I’m able to do much more yogasana than I could earlier this year. Which is a win! Things like Catuspadapitham (table top) have been beyond my pain threshold until recently. As has Sarvangasana (shoulder stand) and Chakrasana (wheel) to name but a few. Now these movements are slowly coming back!

And then, oh… more Shadow Yoga this evening. Goodness but I LOVE that practice! Although I haven’t mastered the series yet (ha! suspect mastery is a while off still), I’m quite amazed at how much stronger I am and how much less I fall over/out of the asana. Interestingly though, none of this strength comes from stronger muscles as such… it’s more about the mind and the bones.

Incidentally, Shadow Yoga is only the third time I’ve ever heard anyone talk about moving from the bones in relation to asana. The first person was my Guru. Our retreat in Bali about four years ago was focused on asana and we had many discussions about awareness of and movement from the bones. I don’t think I understood it all properly then! Linda has also spoken about bones, and about her teacher Paul Grilley’s work in the area.

And now with Shadow Yoga, there’s always a discussion on various marmas and bones, as well as the breath (but of course). Actually, it’s probably time I added another Shadow-specific post here…

So that was my day. Basically, I’ve decided to embrace my time out while continuing to look for more work. But in the mean time, I’m also considering how to diversify my income through teaching more yoga classes, freelance writing and who knows what else!

The first time I was out of work for a long period of time was last year and I pretty much fell to pieces (admittedly I WAS still in the deathly grip of depression!). The second time was July. ALL of July really! And I did better then, but still, I spent most of my time holed up in my fox hole. Still a bit afraid and unsure of what to do with myself. This time I’m pretty sure I know what I need to do.

So I am listening, Ma. I am. Just please don’t whip away all of my security blankets/support too quickly! Thanks ever-so-much…

~Svasti

Three times the lesson (to make it stick)

Tags

Depression, fox hole, Global Financial Crisis, life lessons, Meditation, PTSD, Service, three times, unemployment, Yoga, yoga teacher training

I’ve temporarily re-entered the world of joblessness and I’ve been waiting for the crash. So much so, that I’ve been hiding out in my fox hole (hat tip, Nadine!) while I wait.

Although I was doing all sorts of yoga and meditation things last Saturday (including, it seems, being all teacher-ish without meaning to – by which I mean people seeking me out to ask me questions – and BOY is that a weird realisation! *more on this in another post*), on Sunday I spent almost the entire day reading in bed. I don’t think it was depression – more, taking advantage of having nothing to do on a VERY wintery and cold day. I didn’t have to be at work the next day so I felt entitled…

Well, sort of. I mean, I think I was possibly just waiting for things to turn ugly, and assumed crash position just in case.

Didn’t do much on Monday except for some yoga, and yesterday did a bit of temp work. There might be more coming next week. Also, had a pre-interview with a recruiter for a job that would be PERFECT for me, as I would be for it. Still… it’s a waiting game with multiple players and no definites. I do feel quite positive however, as though I’ve got a very good shot!

While I’ve had some moments of panic and fear, right now I’m just not in that space. This time around it simply doesn’t feel the same. Or more accurately, I don’t feel the same.

Although I’m without an income and within weeks, will have very little in my bank account (until things turn around!), somehow I’m not immersed in soul-crushing anxiety, panic attacks or the temptation to let my old companion Depression back in. Not just yet anyway.

That’s not to say that the big D hasn’t tried already.

Fortunately for me, I have other people to think about – my yoga students to-be! For whatever reason, I find it easier to be motivated if I’m doing something for others than myself. I know, it’s self-neglect, lack of self-worth etc. Still, it’s kind of helpful for me right now.

Also, I’ve been thinking quite a bit about this whole lack of work thing. In the last three years, I’ve now had three episodes of unemployment.

The first was when I quit my job working for a large corporate – somehow my PTSD and my job had become deeply enmeshed. I’d just begun therapy and I also needed to go to Thailand to continue my yoga studies. But my boss was playing hardball about giving me (unpaid!) leave.

So with the confluence of healing and change in my life, it felt like the right thing to do, and I jumped. Which REALLY upset my parents, despite my being old enough to decide what I’m doing with my life (hello, I’m in my 30’s!). Also, only a few friends outside my yoga community understood my actions. But that decision lit the (very healing) fires of change BIG TIME. It was vitally important.

When I came back from Thailand, the economic situation had changed drastically and it was suddenly not that easy to find a job. It took me two months and in the end, I accepted the first job offered to me (never a wise decision unless you’re sure you want it!).

That job was particularly terrible because of the people who worked there and the lies told about the job during the interview. Also, I’d only been there a month or so when a suppressed memory re-emerged and brought my PTSD symptoms back with a fury. I was already looking for another job in March of last year when the Global Financial Crisis caused my employers to make my role redundant. Ba-boom!

There began four months of desperately looking for another job. Any job. But with the GFC, it was hard to find even the odd bit of temp or freelance work. Luckily, I had a decent enough stash of money – thanks to three years of tax returns filed just a day before I learned I no longer had a job. Until I lost my job, I’d intended to use that money to pay off my debts, but that was not to be! *sigh*

Throughout all of this, I was battling my PTSD (and winning, I might add!), coping with a very nasty case of depression (which I eventually freed myself from) AND doing yoga teacher training. How weird is my life?!

Around mid-last year, I finally got some work , and have had two contract roles since then. But the company I’ve been working for is undergoing a merger, with redundancies to be made and all sorts of confusion. There was no room for thinking about re-engaging contractors right now. Which is really a shame because I enjoyed working there very much, and they liked me too.

So – three episodes of unemployment in three years. What’s with that? Especially in conjunction with all the healing work I’ve been doing and my ever-growing love affair with all things yoga. I’ve a few ideas…

First up – I think its part of the path I’m on, whatever my life is changing into. Years ago I remember writing an email to my Guru. I was desperate to know how I could really be of service to other people, but had no idea what that would look like. And I think all of the hardships, the physical and mental health issues, the lack of money and everything else… well, it allows me to empathise with others in a very real way. And I’ve already begun to experience just how powerful that can be when trying to reach someone…

One of the things I learned the first time I was jobless was that who I am as a person has nothing to do with the sort of job I have, how much money I make, or whether I even have a job. Whether I’m a yoga teacher, an accountant, an artist, a hairdresser, a receptionist or a garbage collector – is completely irrelevant. My job doesn’t make me a better or worse person. It is simply unimportant to the essence of what it is to be a human being, and yet so many people rely on their job for self-identification.

I’ve never been particularly attached to owning physical things, nor have I ever been a very consumer-focused type of person. I don’t own a house, a car, much money, many nice things and I kinda like it like that.

And yet, not having anything at all is SCARY. I haven’t been homeless (yet) but I’ve been very near penniless a couple of times now. And being without money makes it very clear how much power we’ve afforded the dollar in our world. It’s become a tool for building on our ego and delusions, and everything that separates us from who we really are. That said, it doesn’t have to be that way and a damn good way to learn that lesson is to have little or no money. 😉

There are more lessons and realisations than this. Lots more, and I’ll write about them soon. For now, I’ll just say what I wrote in an email to Nadine:

Somehow I have the feeling that everything is going to work out. I have no idea how, but just know that it will. Which makes no sense and I might be eating my words in a couple of weeks, but who knows? I have to stay open and just be with how things are. That was my biggest lesson from the hash I made of being unemployed last year. 🙂

Lots of love to you all out there!

~Svasti xo