Christmas Eve & everything’s okay #reverb10

Tags

#reverb10, Christmas, Christmas Eve, equinox, Everything IS okay, full moon, Love, solstice, you are loved

A few minutes after this post goes live, the wee hours of Christmas Day will be upon us (here in Australia anyway).

I’m not much of a Christmas person really. For one I’m not a Christian, so the celebration of the birth of a guy who wasn’t even born on 25th December doesn’t really do much for me. I’m more interested in solstices and equinoxes and full moons in general, I guess.

Never mind. I’ve come to accept that for me, it’s a day to spend with family (if you’re lucky enough to have any nearby that aren’t too freaky). My definition of family is about where my heart is, and a lot of my family don’t live here in Australia. But my blood family do, we’re a small band of people.

Things have been up and down for a while in my relationship with my parents. We’re on more of an even keel now, but one that was born of my acceptance that they love me in whatever way they can. Thank goodness for my sweet nieces, because without them it’d still feel like a very lonely day, surrounded by disassociated family members, too much food, and gifts I don’t need.

Perhaps that sounds ungrateful, but if you’ve been reading along then you’ll know I’ve been dredging the channels of my inner world for a while now. One of the results of that, is being okay with things that aren’t great and at the same time working out what I really want, and being clear with myself.

And I’m clear that this isn’t one of my favourite holidays.

Christmas for the last bunch of years hasn’t been much fun for me – everyone being so cheery and excited! None of it made any sense in the face of the terror and grief I lived with every second of my days.

But anyway, that is past. This Christmas feels… empty in some way. I’m not excited by it, but then again I’m not overly freaked out either. It’s just neutral territory and a day to get through.

::

Everything’s OK. What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?
~December 24th prompt

Everything IS okay, even when life is doing it’s best impersonation of a commercial junk pile, and I’ve felt like I’d never kick my way out.

But a moment of proof that everything will be alright? I’m not sure there’s been a definitive point in time like that.

Except maybe this: a time where I was unsettled and ruffled, jobless and stressed.

I spent a day with my sister and nieces, hanging out at their place. I’m sure I was freaking out my sister with my rather dark mood, until the second smallest person in the house opened her mouth.

We all love you, Auntie Svasti, she says. Unprompted, unrehearsed and utterly perfect.

Oh good lord, wisdom from a child!! Does it get any better than that?

Yeah, everything’s gonna be alright… despite appearances. It really is.

::

Regardless of how you’re spending your Christmas Day, I wish you love. I send you warmth and hugs and if you’re alone, I want you to know that you’re never really alone.

The best knowledge we can learn is that regardless of our circumstances, we are ALL loved and lovable. Even if everything seems hopeless. My sweet little niece showed me that.

Be well, take good care of yourself and if there’s no one around to hug you, hug yourself! And know that if I could, I’d be there doling out my very own version of a bear hug. Just for you.

~Svasti xo

Blue moon blues

Tags

blue moon, full moon, idealistic, literalist, meat in the sandwich, Mississippi Baked Cheesecake, niece hugs, PTSD, smooshed

I’ve figured it out: I’m both a literalist and an idealist at heart. Quite a tricky combination really.

There’s nothing wrong with being passionate about things, is there? Or is there? Maybe one can be too passionate? Yeah, I think that’s me. Generally giving a shit about everything in my life and potentially a little too obsessively.

Sometimes that’s okay, other times it’s hilarious in retrospect. Like, how after my tram incident last Friday, I woke up surly and stressed out but didn’t once consider not going to my sister’s birthday lunch that day.

After all, I was bringing the cake.

And a gorgeous cake it was, too. A Mississippi Baked Cheesecake, which just meant it was covered in chocolate, with mountains of chocolate icing on top.

Gorgeous day, last Saturday. A true summery Melbourne day, not a cloud in sight and of course that meant a huge increase in traffic heading down the coast, where I was going.

Not so helpful for a crabby and nervous person post a mid-tram-almost-accident but ah well…

Of course, it wasn’t going to be as simple as that. Nope, had to almost end up in a three car pileup where I would’ve been the meat in the sandwich. On a freeway no less, where the cars in front of me came to a dead stop (seemingly for no reason). Even with the distance between me and the car in front, I was worried that the car behind me wasn’t going to stop.

So I took evasive action, hitting the brakes hard then lifting my foot several times to make it clear I was braking. Luckily they got the message. But it was a little more than I could take! Especially when I realised the beautiful Mississippi Baked Cheesecake had hit the floor (hadn’t thought to put it there in the first place). Yup… it was smooshed.

You could say I was a little distraught at this point. I still needed to pick up my sister’s present. Also, I had this idea I needed to buy a second cake (perhaps just a little one) that looked okay for the photos. Crazy I know, but I guess I wanted to fix the cake, fix the two scares in two days and try not to spoil my sister’s birthday.

All this while trembling like a leaf. No wonder people were surprised to discover I’d been living with PTSD! All that time I was so busy trying to keep the outsides together, the insides never stood a chance. Heh…

Surprisingly, my family were actually really nice to me when I turned up looking distressed, accepting a beer just thirty seconds after arriving and bursting into tears when I tried to explain the two cakes. And there were multiple niece hugs, which always helps.

Did a lot of sleeping on Sunday. And eating. And it was hot, so I did little else. Which was probably a good thing.

Then, today I discovered that my workplace isn’t quite as idealistic as I’d been led to believe. I mean, it’s still a great place to work and all. But I was advised that the end-products we’re creating are third priority behind managing our external and internal networks to ensure we get future funding.

So it is about the money in the end. Sure, they create good digital learning resources, but of course (doh!) the organisations they create it for are the bill payers and end-clients. And the company I work for is entirely dependent on their funding.

Which is… reality. But no one had explained to me (until today) that my main priorities for these projects needed to be turned on their heads. Really, I’m delivering future funding for more digital resources. Which are in great demand and they’re important. But hopefully we aren’t delivering them just to ensure we get more funding for the next round. Hopefully…

And as such, I need to adjust my approach. It’s not about getting the project team to do their assigned tasks in a timely fashion. Apparently, it’s more about the touchy-feely, making everyone feel good and “bringing them along on the journey a little”. Uh-huh…

Although these are some of the nicest people I’ve worked with in a long time, still some corporate bullshit exists. Of course. And it’s the education sector so there’s massive amounts of hierarchy and politics and making sure you say the right thing to people in the softest, most intensely polite way with many thanks and much gratitude for their help.

The tiniest use of the wrong word can cause an uproar. Ah… not my forte. My words and thoughts are not always aligned with my heart, as much as I wish I didn’t have to admit that… I’m having to think much harder about what I say and how I compose emails. It’s probably good for me. Maybe?

I think I’m rambling now. But I just wanted to let y’all know I’m okay. Even rode a tram today.

~Svasti

Stuff not written in your fortune cookie

Tags

Anger, bad boyfriends, Catholicism, Dragon Boat Restaurant, energy vampire, full moon, harm’s way, Irish, Old ladies on motorised wheelchairs, Sunday musings, yum cha

• While Dragon Boat Restaurant has been renovated and looks much awesomer than it used to, it’s no longer the best Yum Cha in Melbourne’s CBD.
• It is entirely possible to be friends with people who look, sound, act just like you – only to discover they have vastly different customs and values.
• Which can be both interesting and horrifying.
• Like… an Irish friend who’s been living half a world away from her family for many years. But she’ll probably give in to her mother, getting married in her home town in a Catholic church (even though she’s very lapsed), and tolerate an enormous frou-frou reception, because anything less would reflect badly on her mother with the neighbours…
• Further, while they don’t have a wedding date yet, she already knows her unborn children will be baptised and have a Catholic education. “They can choose to lapse on their own”…
• Old ladies on motorised wheelchairs have no patience and will mow down both you and your bicycle, with nary a backwards glance rather than wait two seconds for you to move out of the way. [No cyclists or push bikes were injured. This time. Except for minor bruising.]
• It’s incredibly frustrating to realise that another friend, aged 40, can still abandon her female friends for a new relationship, just like we did in high school. Man = new focus + other friends jettisoned to the periphery.
• No matter how old you get, you/your friends can still spectacularly choose the wrong boyfriend. It is also possible to break up with that boyfriend and take him back for no good reason.
• Said boyfriend can be a total energy vampire, really immature and completely wrong for your pal… and somehow this otherwise sane person will still go out with him.
• Everyone seems really angry today. Tomorrow is a full moon. Go figure.
• It’s probably another good day to stay home out of harm’s way, drink pots of tea and just shut the hell up…

~Svasti

P.S. Shiv finally wrote about his Aussie Birthday Bonaza Spectacular – check it out!

History of a spiritual quest – part iv

Tags

affianced, Aleister Crowley, Amar, belly dancing, cauldrons, divination, druids, freaky thieving stalker dude, full moon, mead, Meditation, Mother Goddess, Pagan Summer Gathering, paganism, rituals, Runes, shamans, spiritual quest, the proverbial sponge, U2, witchcraft, witches, Woodford Folk Festival

I have kissed honey lips
Felt the healing fingertips
It burned like a fire
This burning desire
~U2

[Read part i, part ii, & part iii first]

In part iii, I gave y’all the bird’s eye view of my initial experience of Sydney’s pagans, witches, druids, shamans (and more) scene, oh my!

Those were heady times, my friends. Heady times, where I was busy soaking up knowledge and encounters like that sponge everyone’s always talking about (don’t think about it too much, its kinda gross).

And yet… the upshot (like the U2 song) was… I still hadn’t found what I was looking for (arf arf!). Despite some inner drive to do just that…

But along the way, I discovered the delights of mead, dressed in a lot of black and velvet (gotta blend in y’know) and learned quite a bit about working with energy, the elements, shamanic-inspired journeys, ancestral meditations , casting sacred spaces and tuning into the full moon and seasonal patterns.

I’d been worshipped as a representation of the mother goddess (which didn’t suck), danced ‘round fiery cauldrons, partook in shamanic rites, did a heck-load of drumming, and studied the works of Aleister Crowley (et al).

I also learned how to construct my own rituals, and divination became an interest – though it was much later before I learned how to read runes properly. For the record, I tend to think of oracles and divination as tools that reveal sub-conscious knowledge – i.e. stuff you already know somewhere deep down.

It was all good stuff, even if it was very early days.

The bit that wasn’t so good? When things ended with T (see part ii & part iii), I don’t think either of us realised he’d turn into a freaky thieving stalker dude, after throwing me out of the house we’d shared.

But I digress.

My interests in all things spiritual and dance continued. I explored ceremony, ritual, and meditation, and started performing as the bellydancer “Amar” (Arabic for moon).

This was a time of pseudo-homelessness – staying on a friend’s fold out sofa bed til I found a share house to move into, a new job (selling futons) and eventually, getting my own teensy tiny little unit.

Where T and I had run a small group for regular full moon ceremonies, I now did this alone, or with one or two others. By the time there was four or five of us, we were an unofficial ‘group’ of sorts… not that I wanted to run anything like that.

Little did I know, the aforementioned dress-up vampire night was attended by my future (and now) ex-fiancé, too (yes, he’s in the group photo, too). Our worlds began circling each other before we’d even met…

And I just kept hearing about this guy – J – and how we’d really hit it off.

Which of course, we did. It was kinda love at first sight.

J was part of sub-section of the pagan community, who attended some but not all of the same events.

Things with J moved so swiftly that within weeks of getting together, he’d moved into my tiny flat. Then, after our romantic UK holiday, we returned affianced.

J took me to different kinds of pagan events – the Pagan Summer Gathering, Rune Guild Winter Feasts (which I performed at, of course). Mash-up spiritual/music events like Woodford Folk Festival.

Slowly, I started to find a much less structured, more free-flowing kind of spirituality – a blend of dancing (which I’ve always considered to be very spiritual), that early knowledge I mentioned in part i, and a very strong intuition.

That intuition led me through events like the spontaneous healing I’ve written about before, and others I have yet to write…

Fate came knocking once more at the second Pagan Summer Gathering we attended, where I was teaching a unisex belly-dance workshop. It was J who discovered a runic workshop I had some interest in, but didn’t get to attend. J did though.

And right there, the path turned in yet another unexpected direction.

[Read part v]

~Svasti

P.S. As mentioned before, I’m skimming over a lot of details in my life to write this series – keeping the two original questions in mind – more about my experiences as a young heathen girl, and more about that moment when knowledge descends… I’m getting there, I promise!

https://svasti.wordpress.com/2009/08/05/history-of-a-spiritual-quest-part-iii/

History of a spiritual quest – part iii

Tags

belly dancing, Carlisle Castle Hotel, coven, Egypt, full moon, Guru, Hare Krishna, Interview with the Vampire, Kali, Newtown, Pagan, paganism, Pagans in the Pub, pentagrams, Puja, satin, sexual preferences, spiritual quest, velvet, witchcraft

[Read part i & part ii first]

Various dark coloured shades of satin and velvet. A talking stick. Women with flowers in their hair, layers of silver jewellery and long swooshing skirts. Sequins and sparkly things. Incense. Grown men and women in robes with hoods. And capes. Leather pouches tied to belts containing runes or tarot cards. The occasional new agey t-shirt with a wolf howling at the moon.

And much beer.

This was my introduction to Pagans in the Pub in Sydney, circa 1993.

A group of twenty or so people gathered in the back room of the Carlisle Castle Hotel (yes, Pagans in the Pub held in a pub with the name ‘castle’ in the title – the puns are free and keep on coming!).

The Carlisle Castle, courtesy of Google street view

Just an unassuming working class pub in the narrow backstreets of Newtown surrounded by workman’s cottages built snugly together. The front bar was populated with stoic and gruff older men, surprised at the repeated declarations of ‘Blessed be’ emanating from the back room.

I spotted T, dressed in a dark red long sleeved shirt, a black vest and jeans, meticulous dark hair and beard. He introduced me to a bunch of people whose names I immediately forgot.

Of course, it wasn’t just ‘hi, I’m Jason’, but ‘hi, I’m Jason-Lightworker and I’m a Druid’. Or ‘hi, I’m Silverstar and I’m a Shaman’. Everyone there, it seemed, was a something-or-other-magical-label which they revelled in.

There was discussion and debate. Plenty of opinions voiced and egos marched out for all to see. The topics were decidedly unusual, but hey, what could I expect from a mixed bag of pagans?

Overwhelming is one word. Colourful is another. Whacky, free-spirited and a little lost… they’re other words.

Let me just say the start of my search in no way resembled where I ended up. But if I hadn’t taken that first tentative step (followed by many others), I never would have met my guru. Even if it was just a slightly out of the way route.

Me and T

Turns out T was one of the movers and shakers in the Sydney pagan community. He was somewhat notorious, and had been around for a long time.

Although at the time I was questioning my sexual preferences (gay/straight/bi), and even though I didn’t find T (14 years my senior) physically attractive, somehow we ended up together.

And actually at the time we met, I was in fact, dating a woman. Clearly, not for long.

That part of the story alone, is worthy of its own focus. There’s no way to write about the how’s and why’s of my relationship with T without changing the point of this story, which is my journey through the world of neo-paganism.

It was a mad eighteen months of my life in which: we went to Egypt (my first overseas trip and T is well-versed in Egyptian mythology); we moved in together (bookshelves, skull candelabras, pentagram rugs and all!); I started belly dancing (he thought I’d like it – I did); he taught me about witchcraft (not as dark and dangerous as most would imagine); we started a coven (small group of people learning witchcraft); we ran a pretty awesome dress up event for the premiere of Interview with the Vampire (another story yet again); T contemplated faking his own death (I talked him out of it)… and more.

Much more.

With T, I attended my first ever pagan type weekend gathering. You know the kind – a bush camp site with bunks and dorms, a mess hall, marquee tents and fire pits. Drums, full moon (and other) rituals, various workshops, late night jam sessions, hash, peace and love. He also took me to my very first Hare Krishna meal by donation/chanting session and we went often.

In some ways, T was the real deal and I learnt a lot from him. In other ways, he was completely stark raving crazy.

I had my doubts about T and I around eight months in. He was running away from his past, and stuck in a certain reality. I was still… learning. However, I was meeting plenty of people and being exposed to all kinds of new ideas.

That time in my life was somehow very important (which is part of that other story). I was still only twenty-two, impressively aimless and ashamed that I hadn’t gone to university.

What I learned

I was living life like it was some big adventure playground. But finally I was learning all kinds that made sense to me (at least some of it did) on spiritual topics. Things I’d written about many years ago. It was… helpful.

But the pagan scene, I found, was a little hollow. Many of the people putting on robes and turning up to full moon rituals could just as easily have been attending church. By that I mean, they seemed to want to belong and be a part of something. Have a label that worked for them. And there was little real magic going on.

I even met one guy who, despite his tattoos and piercings, eyeliner and 100% black wardrobe, claims to black magic and darkness… once said… Do you ever think about what will happen if the Christians are right?

Personally, I didn’t. I’ve never seen things quite as black and white as that.

Generally, the people were lovely and the experiences were cool. But I was looking for something else. I imagined it was like ringing a bell with a very specific tone and pitch that exactly matches my own.

And I hadn’t found it yet.

I even met a genuine yogi at that time – a Kali devotee – fond of naked puja. But it didn’t ring true, not with him. Which perhaps had something to do with the fact that I found him a little peculiar. Nice. But kinda whacked.

Endings & beginnings

Things ended with T as dramatically as they’d begun.

I’d been performing in some local theatre and he was jealous of my co-star (much closer to me in age, not to mention tall, dark & sexy). I found out later T had been following me as I walked to rehearsals!

Nothing had happened, except for the kissing required of our roles. But there was a definite flirtation going on.

T and I had put on another of our big costume parties. All our pagan friends, my theatre and belly dance friends were invited. It was a wild night with a band in the front room, local pop-rock stars in attendance, lots of dancing, drinking and madness.

For reasons known only to T, he flew into a rage after everyone had left, accusing me of sleeping with my co-star (I wasn’t, not yet). He didn’t believe me and threw me out of the bedroom, ordering me to move out the next day (with ominous threats of what would happen if I didn’t).

The threat I’ve never been able to forget is… a little too gruesome to write down.

I was sufficiently terrified and called one of my pagan friends. S said she’d help me move and I could stay with her until I found my own place.

[Read part iv]

~Svasti

Illumination

Tags

clarity, full moon, Guru, Guru Purnima, illumination, initiation, kickboxing, kula, Muay Thai, sadhana, Samskaras, Yoga, yogi, Yogini

Clarity can come at the strangest moments. And the volume or quality of such a moment is hard to qualify – once it hits, it doesn’t fade, but damn, it can happen so fast!

The light of such clarity reaches into every corner of your being. Things that were complex and confusing become simple and 100% crystal clear.

Just as an aside, although it’s related… in my experience there’s a few rather disconcerting things that occur if you’ve found your Guru and have taken formal initiation (if you’re that way inclined).

For one thing, you become part of a collective energy body, connected, even if you’re on the other side of the world. And that means all kinds of weird and wonderful things. I could tell you about it, but you’d just think I was taking LSD or something!

I mention this because of the recent full moon, which also happened to be Guru Purnima – a traditional yearly festival where initiates pay homage to their Guru – and to the Guru lineage in general, actually.

Jaya Hanuman! Jaya Gurudev!!

Right now, some of my kula are hanging out in Thailand together, celebrating this event with our Guru. I was of course, there for the festivities last year. Sigh!

Whenever there’s a large gathering of my kula somewhere in the world, if I’m not there, I feel it anyway.

I get ‘zapped’ by the energy being generated. Others do, too. Often, I can’t sleep, which also happens for many of us in the lead up to any intensive retreat we’re about to attend.

Two nights ago I had the worst sleep I’ve had in absolutely ages. Woke up and realised, oh yeah… full moon… Guru Purnima!!

It’s always a very powerful time of year.

Though it wasn’t just me and my kula. A lot of people were reporting (via Twitter) this particular full moon was affecting them intensely.

Even though I felt awful when I woke up Tuesday morning, I also felt renewed. Almost like… a lot of ‘stuff’ had just been clawed away.

And I was clear – it’s time to stop leaking energy all over the place.

When doing sadhana over time, practitioners build up a lot of energy. It can be quite a heady experience, especially if you’re not ready to deal with it.

Often what happens to inexperienced yogis (definitely happened/s to me) is that you’re a bit like a sieve, full of leaks through which you lose much of the energy you’ve generated. Kind of like that hole in the pot.

Those leaks aren’t easy to control initially. There’s guidelines you can follow, to help you reduce and eventually stop any such leakages. But, there’s usually a few weaknesses (habits/samskaras) that are harder to stop than others.

And so you keep haemorrhaging energy until you can give them up.

Upon waking after my very rough four hours of sleep, post full moon/Guru Purnima, things were perfectly clear.

Illuminated, you could say.

Time to put away my emotional hooks and hang ups as much as possible. I know what they are – I crave feeling connected to others. I fear rejection because it’s been a theme in my life. I hate feeling alone because I’ve been alone much of my life. So I try to forge connections where perhaps there aren’t any. I seek kindred spirits, perhaps a little too intensely.

And its time to stop. No more allowing myself to carry dead weight – mine or anyone else’s. No holding on to people or things or ideas for the sake of it, hoping for change that never comes. Just… no more of that!!

Whatever happened this last full moon, I feel like I’ve been given a wakeup call. A very loud and clear surge of clarity and self respect!

Now, I feel like I’m rebuilding my yoga practice from the ground up. Starting with the vessels containing all the good health and energy I generate – my physical and emotional bodies.

So I’ve hauled myself into the dockyard for renovations, and not just a patch up job!

Time for me to start taking names (mine!) and kicking some ass (again, mine!).

Fittingly I’m also starting Muay Thai (kickboxing) again for the first time in over five years (a nice counterbalance to the stillness).

Its way past time for the fighter in me to come out and get rid of everything standing in the way of becoming physically, mentally and emotionally healthy.

Rock on!

~Svasti