Anger management

Tags

Anger, Burning, Down the rabbit hole, Fangs, Fire, Gaps, Nothingness, Outpouring, Rage, Unknown

There’s a torrent and it won’t stop. A mass of bees swarming, changing shape yet keeping form. Just there beneath my skin and running hotly through my veins. It’s sharp and pointy, jagged and primal. Snarls come easily. My face, I can tell from those reacting around me, appears ferocious. Harsh and lioness-like. Yet I do not, I am not feeling that way myself. Lookout! My fangs are showing, don’t make me bare my teeth right now. I’ve no wish to scare you. My tongue sharpened with sandpaper is rough and bitey, just around the edges – don’t push – you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Currently I’m zero to agression in microseconds so just don’t go there friends!

Fuck, the top cracked and that was it! A catalyst opened the door and now it’s raging furiously with a life of its own, an entity of pure murderous anger spewing forth if I open my mouth or stop attempting to smile. I’m puzzled…

Falling between the gaps… I’ve no idea what that means, only what it feels like. Where to? Down the rabbit hole… Why is it, in this place there’s no frame of reference, no easy-to-grasp gnosis? Shimmering and losing sense of the physical representation of outer form. It’s gone. Well, I still see it but I also not see it. I see its not there, I understand the wrapper was never more than just a trick of the eye and the mind. Like a mirage but somewhat more tangible. I see there’s nothing there really…

What is it about this recent experience of loss of differentness that’s given flight to such a vicious outpouring? I’m not personally angry; it’s a beast in need of restraint lest it injures those in range. Is this the end of anger’s repression? The burning of more samsaric seeds? Wherefore does this energy field, so separate and vibrant mean to go? How does it resolve back to Source?

This is not the anger of my personality display. It lingers. It consumes, feeding on available fuel. It subsumes… My anger is faster, more mobile, less volatile. More like a lightning strike – brilliant, dangerous, swift and then its gone. Almost like it never was and I forget in minutes its brief existence. There’s no grudge holding, no ill intent, no malice to my anger.

It’s been days now, two full days of this bristling simmering growling ever-present fiery malcontent attitude of a smoking seething bubbling hurricane sweeping through my body and blazing forth from eyes, lips and fingertips.

‘Course its mine – I lay claim to ownership because it can’t belong to another. But from where does this rage originate? And when’s it leaving please?

~Svasti

Wiser words than mine

Tags

Gaps, Guru, Keith Dowman, Moving house, Spiritual work, Teachings, Wisdom, Yeshe Tsogyel

I’m having a few issues right now of the spiritual/non-corporeal kind. Sort of.

On top of a new job, moving home, and generally dealing with lots of stuff, things they are a-changing in ways I can’t put my finger on (see Carbon based lifeform 2.0).

I’m finding when I do have two seconds to rub together, and slow down, life starts to get weird. Well, perhaps not that weird for a practicing yogi. But still, it is weird mostly because I’m not doing a lot of intense sadhana right now. But things are changing anyway and I’m falling into the gaps somewhat…

My Guru lives in Thailand, and right now I only see him once a year (if I’m lucky). To supplement, many students rely on recorded teachings – mostly stuff we were present for (good to get a repeat dose), but also other teachings that were held in San Francisco when we weren’t. He gets back there once or twice a year. Which kind of makes me wonder why the heck I’m not listening to the pleas of my yogi brothers and sisters and moving over there already?!

I digress. So I’ve been listening to recorded teachings, as I do regularly. But I’m especially dependent on them now as it’s kinda tricky to identify where I’m at on the path by myself.  Not that there’s a path. And not that there’s any ‘progression’. Of course.

Because I’ve been putting in all this iPod listening time, I’ve re-discovered some absolute gems in terms of insights and discussions on the human condition. There are plenty of gems, but these ones are striking a chord for me right now. They’re relatively general, yet practical for yogis and non-yogis alike.

And I’ve been transcribing some of it!

So, in addition to my other ramblings here, I’m gonna run a series of posts sharing some of the wisdom I’m lucky enough to have access to.

Not sure if I’ll get time this weekend (what with the move and all), but some time in the next couple of weeks, they should start to appear.

I hope you’ll enjoy them as much as I do.

Namaste!

~Svasti

P.S. The image above is from a book called “Sky Dancer: The Secret Life & Songs of the Lady Yeshe Tsogyel” by Keith Dowman. Its an incredibly beautiful book that I highly recommend.