Looking both ways

Tags

#IQS, 2013, creative juices, Happy New Year, Health, India, new year, Stress, two words project, unemployable, WWF wrestler

So…hi! And Happy 2013. I hope y’all had a FABULOUS seeing in of the new year, even if that fabulous thing was having a very mellow time. Or doing nothing. Just so long as you found enjoyment, any which way.

I did! I really did! For the first time in ages, I had a truly excellent time on new year’s eve. Hooray! Friends of mine had a private party at their place, with a fab view of the fireworks over the city. But importantly, with plenty of space between our little gathering and the drunken hoardes in the city. I talked with old friends and new ones, too. Drank a little champers, literally laughed til I was flat on the floor, ate, danced, and watched fireworks.

Over the Christmas break I had a few days off and some visitors from the US – some of my world-wide family of yogis. Their stay was all too brief, and I was heartbroken when they left but also glad that they came.

So here I am, three days in to 2013 and finally I’m getting around to an update for you all on where I’m at!

Looking back – where’ve I been?

You just *might’ve* noticed that most of 2012 I was pretty quiet here on the blog, on account of a whole bunch of reasons.

First up, I’ve gotta say, 2012 was one of the best years I’ve had in well…years.

Year of the Dragon worked very well for me – all of that expansive energy saw me taking up a bunch of challenges. So, its been lots of hard work but lots of excellent results, too.

Like… the Two Words Project.

Also (and related): tackling my health with the enthusiasm of a WWF wrestler. This has wrought changes on the physical, emotional and ummm metaphysical planes. Big. Stuff.

And finally being out of trauma. I cannot express how differently I feel today to the broken person who first started this blog. 2012 has been a year of resurfacing as a stronger-than-ever and happier person than I ever was. Ever.

Not to mention: hitting my 12 month anniversary of giving up sugar! I can tell you that I don’t miss it in the least.

And I know – I owe you guys more details on all the above!

Those are all normal-busy kind of things though, right? Then, there was the rest.

Mid-year my last living grandparent passed away, and that seemed to cause a subtle but significant gear-shift. Something about, I dunno… stepping in to the next generation of “elders” in my family. More Big Stuff.

Around the same time, my dad had his own health scares and diagnoses of chronic illnesses. Things are evening out for him a bit more now, but it hasn’t been much fun. And there’s more work to do.

On top of that, my 9-5 job has grown increasingly unpleasant. It’s not so much my team (who are great) as it is the next level up management. My usual pattern of finding myself being given more responsibilities and more and more work has arisen yet again, and this (so it seems) rather specifically, has been the main factor in dampening my creative juices.

I noticed the difference immediately when I went on my writing retreat – given a release from the day-to-day stresses, and enough space and time, all the words erupted like wildfire.

Then when I came back home…once again the words dried up. Damnit.

Which was an excellent indicator: it seems I’m approaching that point Nadine’s written about of being unemployable.

See, my future life is starting to converge with the here and now, which is a little disconcerting when you don’t think you’re quite ready for the future just yet!

On that note, I’ve also finished my second full year of teaching yoga. Which has kind of flown by and it’s taken me by surprise at how much I’ve learned in such a tiny amount of time.

Looking right in front of me

Here we are, at the tail end of the Dragon Year before the Snake emerges on February 4^th. Already there’s a LOT going on.

Right now, I’m working my way through Leonie Dawson’s colourful and charming Create Your Incredible Year workbook and planner. I highly recommend it for a positive start to the year!!

Next? I’m signed up for Nadine’s Light Up Your Life e-course. It’s an extended version of the Two Words project (which, heads up Melbourne peeps, is happening again in February!).

Between Leonie’s planner and Nadine’s e-course I’m thinking my year is gonna be super-charged!

Which is waaaayyy different to how I was feeling at the beginning of 2012 (hint: I was terrified!).

And just when you think I couldn’t possibly fit more in to the start of 2013, I’ve got two HUGE things happening:

1. Nine days of yoga teacher training in mid-January.
2. Then, end-February I’ll FINALLY be meeting my long-term friend and Kali sister, Linda-Sama!! We’re meeting in India for her study group. But I’ll be there for six weeks in total: two before and two after the study group. I KNOW, RIGHT?

Looking forward – wassup 2013?

Well, a lot of that is still in the works, but there’s a few things I know already. Like…

• I’ve quit my job and will finish up just before I go to India (I’ll find work of some kind when I get back!).
• One very specific mission while in India (there are several) is to buy a harmonium, so I can learn to play kirtans myself!
• I gave up the class I’ve been teaching for the past two years! The end of the year seemed like a natural pause and my plan is to teach a lot more classes per week when I’m back from India, in my own ever-unfolding style.
• Mid-year, there’s the possibility of a heck-load more change (of the positive kind). But I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself yet…

And: a new blog!

No. I’m not killing off this blog, or stopping writing here. But for a while now, I’ve wanted a place to write that’s a little less anonymous than this one. Yet… I’m not ready for everyone in my life to read the archives here.

So, I’ve started a separate blog under my own (first) name.

Many of you will be getting an email about it shortly. But feel free to let me know if you’d like to be in the loop – as it’s where I’ll be blogging about my adventures in India! 😉

More soon. Very soon. I promise!

~ Svasti xxx

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New Year’s tidings

Tags

#smallstone, beach, Broken ribs, comfort zone, Happy 2012, Happy New Year, Healing, Inspiration, inwards energy, joy, Karma, outwards energy, peace, self-love, Small Stone 2012, twenty-twelve

Fireworks photo from another year. Re-cycled here because it's pretty.

I’m only getting around to my new year’s post today, the third day of 2012 (just so you know – every time I type ‘2012’ I mentally say ‘twenty-twelve’ in my head, which I didn’t do with 2011. File that under Useless Information!).

Happy 2012, everyone!

I hope you all had a pleasant transition from 2011 to 2012. This time of year isn’t always pleasant though, is it? I know this from experience, as I’ve spent many New Years Eves alone. Although there have been notable exceptions.

Regardless of what I have or haven’t done, my energy since 2005 has been very much inwards. It’s been all about conserving and healing and doing what I needed to do to take care of myself. Understandable really. But it’s made for a lot of fairly lonely times.

This – or rather, last – year, my plans were in flux, changing three times. The last offer both sounded good and a little scary. Going to the party of a friend of a friend of a friend. Appealingly, it was wayyyy out of town, almost in the country. Away from the drunken masses and the sort of “good time” I no longer really enjoy that much. BUT. Also wayyyy out of my comfort zone. New people? Someone else’s friends?

Funny how solo travel, which involves meeting brand new people is exciting. But at home doing the same thing can feel scary. How. Strange.

In my early 20’s that kind of plan would’ve been a no-brainer. Sure thing! Woo! That would’ve been my response, instead of the careful consideration and allaying of fears.

But… it’s time to start letting my energy and actions flow outward a little more once again.

New Year’s Eve

So I did it. I drove to the outer edges of what can still be called suburban Melbourne to meet my friends and their friends (who are absolutely lovely btw). Then we all went to my friend’s friend’s friend’s backyard party.

With a band (awesome tunes) playing, loudly enough to be enjoyable but still allowing conversations to be heard. BBQ eating, being eaten by mozzies, conversations with new people I wouldn’t have met otherwise, and hugs and kisses from friends and strangers alike.

The backyard band on New Years Eve 2011. They were great!

Quiet. Comfortable. Relaxed. And a painless expansion of my (perceived) personal risk-taking repertoire.

New Year’s Day

Unfortunately I didn’t feel so great the next day. A late night, a wee bit of alcohol imbibing, an hour’s drive each way. It meant a dehydration headache on an extremely hot day. Blech.

So for the first of the year, there was lots of resting, water and sleep.

I did however get out at the end of the day, taking myself out for dumplings and tea plus a movie.

The well-named "Love tea"

I also started my Small Stones writing (first post on 8th January), and I’ve noticed this practice is already helping me pay more attention to the world.

As I mentioned earlier in this piece, so much of my energy has been inward for the longest time. Noticing the world requires more of an outward focus. So it’s in line with where I’m hoping this year will go…

Yesterday

We had a second public holiday, which I’d intended to make better use of. But instead, found myself playing nurse to my mother. She’d had a fall before Christmas, and her suspected bruised ribs were in fact broken.

Interestingly enough, she has almost exactly the same injury I had around ten years ago – three broken ribs on the left side at the front. If you’ve got any understanding of familial karma, then this isn’t too surprising.

So I offered to help my mum around the house since my dad is away at the moment. Getting the washing on/off the line, doing dishes, putting things away. All very difficult with broken ribs. Heck, breathing is difficult with broken ribs.

On my way to the timeshare car I’d booked, my neighbour gave me a lift and pointed out that I’m doing more for my mum than either parent did for me when I needed help. But I can’t help it. Broken ribs hurt and I understand it only too well!

I also offered her some tips on getting up and down, reducing the degree/speed of flexion/extension through the spine. I hope she listens, since it’ll help her in the coming weeks!

Just before 5pm I left my parents’ house, determined to do something fun for myself as well.

Since it was still H-O-T I took off to the beach for a couple of dips in the bay, interspersed with reading and drying off in the super-warm breeze, flowing like water. It was heavenly.

I’m back at work today, but will write more tomorrow of my plans and intentions for the coming year!

Blessings to one and all for 2012. May you find inspiration, joy, peace and (self) love.

~ Svasti

Sandhis & shout outs & stuff

Tags

blog award, Blog Catalog, First Dog on the Moon, Fuck you Penguin, Happy New Year, Sandhi, Sanskrit, The Girl Who Wears My Shoes, Trauma

Sandhi is a Sanskrit word, meaning something like  ‘space between points‘. Sort of like that point on the horizon that’s not really anywhere… The changing of the year is basically one of those… and this one was very different to the past few years.

Which is, in itself is a very good start. So… Happy New Year people!

Sure, I spent a good bit of time alone. But I was recovering from a horrendous mucousy flu/cold almost all week just before and after Christmas. No fun!

I also got out and saw the world a little. And some friends, too (admittedly one of those friends I got to see coz he came over to jump-start my hire car – I managed to leave the headlights on overnight – doh! – and he rescued me!). Then I went to see my very ancient old grandma, who at 93 is nuttier than a bag of chestnuts and now living in a nursing home.

I had to work between Christmas and New Year, coz being new in my job and all… I don’t actually have any holidays to use up right now!

Then, I spent New Year’s Day talking for hours to someone who’s become a very good friend via this whole blogging malarkey… so there we were, getting to know each other a little better and talking with voices instead of IM (wow, old fashioned, I know!). It was awesome! If we coulda talked all day, we would’ve I suspect! Instead, I… well, actually you don’t need to know what I did with the rest of the day…

So there. I’ve been social, I’ve been spreading my wings and I’ve even possibly discovered some studies I’d like to do this year. Now, I just gotta find the money to make it happen! More on that later…

Svasti, don’t forget the shout outs!

That’s right… I’m pretty sure I wrote something in the title here, about a shout out or two??

Okay. So as well as the above, I’ve been exploring Blog Catalog a little more. To feed my blog reading addiction.

Which is how I found Tricia and her blog The Girl Who Wears My Shoes.

This is a woman who’s lived a lifetime of sorrow. And somehow she managed to get to this point in her life (I’m too polite to speculate on her age) in one piece. Sort of. Despite everything.

And I’m awe-struck, because I’m not sure I would’ve been able to hold all that in for decades. I think I would’ve ended up in a ditch, become a complete lunatic or just taken lots of drugs. Or something.

Anyways, not that suppression is good for you or anything of the sort. But, Tricia did what she needed to do to survive. She’s clearly very strong. But that strength hides such an inner fragility.

What’s astonishing is that Tricia is now taking steps, carefully of course, towards bringing her heartache and pain into the light. Which is hard at the best of times, but when you’ve pushed it down, down, down for such a long time… that’s a tough pattern to break.

It was shocking to her, to discover the intense and latent emotions that re-surfaced as she wrote. Which just goes to show – if ya don’t deal with trauma, it just dives deep, and lies in wait.

Oh, and Tricia is a beautiful writer.

She’s had a lot of internal struggles in writing some of the things she’s written. But I truly hope she keeps it up. For her own sake as well as for the sake of other women of her generation – if only my mum could do for herself what Tricia is doing!

I heartily suggest taking a peak at her blog.

Oh, and thanks muchly for the blog award… I’ve added it to my ‘Awards’ page. 😉

And, for completely irreverent giggles…

I also feel compelled to point out another couple of blogs, also recent additions to my blog roll:

First Dog on the Moon – an Aussie cartoonist who pokes fun at many things, including Australian politicians, but then, just generally life. He’s ace!!

He recently unleashed an unwitting but brilliant marketing ploy via Twitter. Indirectly, that’s how I found him actually.

Fuck you, Penguin – ever had a lil’ distaste in your mouth about all the things really cute animals get away with, just coz they’re cute? Well, this blogger gives them all a little what-for in return! Funny. Silly. And lots of cute critters.

(Thanks to FDOTM actually, for this little find…)

~Svasti

Spellbound turn-o-the-year musings

Tags

Asana, Divinity, Enlightenment, God, Guruji, Happy New Year, Love, Mantra, Musings, New Years Eve, Non-dual, Sanskrit, Yoga

Written after a good hour of book browsing and buying…
(thanks to my employers for the Borders gift voucher!)

It’s easy to love with abandon a child, our favourite sport, poetry, chocolate, alcohol, movies, nature, our lover…

But not our Self.

We are cynical about such things. We have trouble thinking we’re more than what we see in the mirror. Often, we think we’re even less than that.

Human beings are truly magnificent – if we can get over our own suffering, selfishness, self-importance and smallness. Greatness is inherent. Waiting for us.

Yet, often we don’t want to expand the boundaries of possibility too far – in case we can’t recover ‘when bad things happen‘. We don’t want to open our hearts too much to another for the same reason.

We have trouble with the concept of God, especially those who are not traditionally religious, like me (a pagan/yogi). Whether it’s the connection to our own divinity, the use of the ‘G’ word, wavering between direct knowledge, belief and doubt… what we can’t see, we question.

There’s a profound issue with our ability to see our Self as God, all beings as God… and to give ourselves over to that larger possibility of human life.

But to me, love of God/Self is actually, the same thing. And, also the same as loving anything else in our lives – our favourite TV show, popcorn, porn… whatever… it’s the same. Just… those things are a smaller version of that larger concept of love.

The obsession/small love for ‘objects’ can arise from the sub-conscious desire for union of self with Self. Unlimited, a sense of connection that when we get it – be that through orgasm, a sunset, realising one of our dreams, meditation – feels so incredibly wonderful. We project this experience on whatever object is around. We want that feeling to last forever. And when it doesn’t, we’re disgruntled.

Home base for human beings is that state of union as a permanent experience.

Trini Girl Blue wrote today that she feels people would shun her if they knew her inner secrets.

Perhaps. More fool them.

Perhaps not. Not everyone thinks that way, thankfully.

This is just fear and the sense of isolation talking. I’ve been in that space too – and continue to experience it off and on. But this state lacks any of the love we easily extend to another person/object.

Some of my most wonderful moments of opening have occured when I’ve told a friend something I was sure they’d think less of me for… only to receive love and support and a different viewpoint on what I thought were my ‘evils’.

Are we afraid of our own divinity so much, that we push aside any possibility of seeing ourselves that way? This is self-cruelty. Are we so afraid of our ability and capacity to be whole and real? To be connected to others – everyone and everything else?

Tonight I sit here alone, deciding if I should venture out and listen to some music – or stay in and meditate (what do I need most of all??)…

Right now my only company is the cat.

Or is it?

This room, if I choose to feel it, is alive with love. There’s… an inter-connectedness of all things…

When I perform yogasana, I clear my channels…

There’s not really a set of channels for each person you know.
Actually there’s only one set of channels for the whole lot of us!
~Guruji

And so I awaken myself through asana to the mass of swarming energy that is life.

I sit for contemplation or meditation, and I lose my sense of I-ness. As a separate being, alone, without other.

When I chant Sanskrit prayers and mantra, it’s the vibrations that tune my heart – allowing me to open wide and have that feeling for myself. To know that it’s true…

The paradox of me – my yogini Self and my suffering Self… I’ve learned and experienced a lot of very profound things in the last eight or so years since I met my Guru.

Whilst the wisdom is with me daily, those experiences of everything being one – they haven’t cemented yet. If they had, I’d be enlightened! 😉

So for now, I honour the duality whilst respecting the non-dual knowledge and experiences I’ve learned and earned.

And here I am, in all my imperfect glory… dealing imperfectly with what I have to deal with… knowing full well its not the entire picture.

I am human, I am flawed
I am human, I can grow
I am human, and love
Is my weakness
And my greatest victory!
~Svasti

Wishing everyone a good dose of peace and harmony on this eve of new tidings. May 2009 bring you insight, love, healing and happiness. May you achieve your heart’s desire.

~Svasti