The work continues

Tags

Healing, hot water, India, Kinesiology, kinesiology school, standing on one leg, wobble

My Naga Baba friend, Boom Boom. He says hi!

So I’m back from India. Been back a couple of months, actually…

My Indian adventures are still in the process of being written up – some are finished already – but there’s heaps more to come!

I don’t mind telling you that India threw me for a loop. Or perhaps, several endless loops. Basically, it did my head in so much that I haven’t had, or been interested in a full-time job since I returned home.

I’ve this feeling though, that my being thrown for a loop is less about the concrete experiences I had in India, than the intangible ones… the living and breathing the same air as millions upon millions of others (India’s population will overtake China’s by 2028), and being hip-deep in a culture and a place that’s marinated in spiritual discourse for so long that it’s kind of invisible to the general masses.

There’s so much to unpack in my body, mind and spirit about my travels, in addition to my actual personal adventures. And there were so many of those!

I honestly don’t think I can see my whole trip clearly just yet!

But here’s a thing that happened when I got back, and once I was mostly over my Farewell From Ma India Super Duper Evil Illness From The Depths Of Hell (ohmygawdseriously!):

Are you ready for this?

*****drum roll*****

I enrolled in kinesiology school!

I know, right? Who’d a thunk it?

Well, I did. Obviously. I’ve been getting kinesiology (and writing about it) for years now.

It’s been one of the most powerful contributors in my healing process, without a doubt. I tell everyone to go and get kinesiology!

But studying kinesiology myself!! It was one of those ideas that wasn’t obvious until it was already hitting me upside the head with a hardback dictionary.

Svasti! Go get yourself into kinesiology school! Since you love kinesiology so much, you might as well marry it!

Yep, that’s kind of how the thought process went once I was paying attention (hahaha, remember saying things like that as a kid?).

My plan was: go to India and then enroll in kinesiology school when I got home.

I was however, expecting a start date of around June or July and got the surprise of my life when I learned the next course was starting on that Saturday (I called up on the Tuesday); a mere three weeks after my plane touched down.

HOLY SHIVA!

It felt like the stars were aligning. I’d my interview with the principal on the Wednesday and then three days later: I was a student once more.

AND studying something I’m so ding-dang excited about that my entire face (lips, nose and cheeks) literally tingled all of that first weekend. 🙂

The basic qualification for kinesiology is the Certificate IV which finishes in December, and if I choose to I can start working as a kinesiologist when I graduate. Squeeeee!

Then there’s the Diploma (another 1.5 years!!) and my intention at this stage is to enroll in that next year. There’s a further Advanced Diploma I can do and I guess I’ll just have to see how I feel about that at the end of the Diploma.

So far, so good though. Three months on, I’m still loving the studies. A lot. We’re almost half-way through, or we will be after the end of our next study weekend.

BUT… it’s one of those learning environments that’s all about doing the work for yourself, first and foremost.

Kinesiology school is very much a pressure cooker for your “stuff”, and let’s just say I’m currently in a bit of hot water!

So let me tell you a story that’s really a bit of an analogy.

Do you remember when I tore my calf muscle and then re-tore it? Through slow and careful rehab (lots of massage and very gentle yoga), it got better. As did my debilitating autoimmune condition. But it was freakin’ hard work and I had to be super kind and considerate of myself. Which was more challenging than it should’ve been.

But it got mostly better. If I didn’t spend so much time standing on one leg doing balance poses in yoga, I’d never have noticed the slight but distinct wobble my right leg retained despite all the therapy.

That wobble has frustrated me VERY MUCH.

Of course, those who don’t spend much time doing one-legged standing poses would never see that wobble, right?

And that’s kind of what I’m talking about here, except with emotional healing.

Late last year when I was thinking about enrolling in kinesiology school, I asked my two lovely kinesiologists what they thought. I guess what I wanted to know was… had I done enough work? Was I ready for learning to be a kinesiologist myself?

Both those lovely ladies encouraged me, and so I felt confident. And I’ve done SO. MUCH. WORK. For so many years. A huge chunk of that work is documented in all the words I’ve written here.

So I knew I was pretty darn functional and healed and whole once more. Which is awesome, and I want to share those gifts of healing with others. 😀

But going to kinesiology school is the difference between being the person who doesn’t spend much time standing on one leg, and being someone who does.

Suddenly, I noticed there was a “wobble” in my emotional world again. And funnily enough, it was connected to the physical wobble in my right leg. I’m being 100% serious!

And guess what? Now that I’m dealing with that hidden emotional stuff, my right leg wobble is no more. Kinesiology rocks!

And so the work continues. It always does though, doesn’t it? When we’re really honest with ourselves?

I’m being VERY courageous as I work through it, and this time I’m surrounded by a bunch of very caring and supportive people – the teachers and fellow students at my kinesiology school. It makes a hell of a difference.

I’ll share a bit more of what’s been coming up real soon, right here on this blog.

Because this is/always has been a safe place for all of my heaviest “stuff”, and this is some of the heaviest stuff I have.

Thanks as always, for being the small but caring group of readers that still visits this place. Even though I don’t know you all personally, your support is invaluable.

More soon!

~ Svasti x

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I. Am. Out. Of. Trauma.

Tags

Depression, Enter your zip code here, Healing, I Am Out Of Trauma, Kinesiology, PTSD, Trauma

Yes. Yes, I am.

And I need to tell you about this because trauma’s a tricky little bastard who likes to make you think he’s permanently in your life.

Let me tell you: when you’re dealing with PTSD, you think its forever. It sure feels like forever. I really DID think it would in fact, be forever.

And yet.

I. Am. Out. Of. Trauma.

Truly. I’ve tears of gratitude and happiness and just the most GIGANTIC sense of relief and release flowing forth from every pore of my being. Because I know this now, and I know it deeply. Irrevocably.

But it’s not like I woke up one morning with a blinding flash of realisation – THAT I AM HEALED! No one sent me a telegram or email with said announcement, either.

Yet, I am out of trauma. I really, really am.

It makes me smile the broadest smile I can manage with this face that I was born with.

Cumulatively, I know this is true. Piece by piece, as I’ve reclaimed all of the forgotten broken parts of who I am.

And instantly I know this, too. In retrospect, anyway.

Last weekend I knew this most definitely, in my kinesiology session, where my kinesiologist Amanda, said this: You’re no longer in trauma. Life and these sessions are now about what’s next instead of what has been.

She said that and I knew it to be true. And I remembered all of the sessions. My early ones with Kerry. Then the first eight or so months with Amanda. As we shone lights on all the sneaky hiding spots that trauma tried to squeeze its self into. To remain and fester. Because that’s what trauma likes to do.

But that was then. Those sessions were then. All of those years, all of that sadness and grief… it isn’t who I am anymore.

Instead, I cackle out loud like a crazy hyena. I snort and belly laugh, too.

Because I. Am. Out. Of. Trauma.

This, I know deep in my bones as all of those Other New Things come at me… more change, but this time of the positive ilk. My job now is to prepare. To make the right decisions for my future and… already do whatever I can to help others.

And I can do that – help others – because I. Am. Out. Of. Trauma.

So all of the hard won wisdom is now mine to share. And that’s what I’m in the process of doing.

I want to hand write love notes to all of the wonderful healers I’ve worked with over the years. The people who kept me afloat when I otherwise would’ve drowned. I’ve so much gratitude for all of their love and care and support.

I. Am. Out. Of. Trauma. And now it’s time for me to give it all back to those in need.

~Svasti
xxx

Two Words Project: 6 months of Acceptance & Healing

Tags

Acceptance, autoimmune conditions, boundaries, Hashimoto's, Healing, inappropriate men, Kinesiology, old patterns, two words project

Six months into the Two Words Project, and here’s where I’m at…

The last few weeks have been stressful. Soooo busy at work with my boss away and in this job (where I LOVE the people and the place), I’ve been given more responsibilities than I initially signed on for. Which is exciting, but it does mean learning new skills. Stuff I don’t have down pat. Stuff that means I’m not 100% brilliant at my job right now, while I undergo this new learning curve.

I can’t tell you how much I hate not being 100% brilliant at my job.

So it’s been busy and crazy and with my boss away, a bit of a strain. Because I’m one of those people who looks around and if I see something that needs doing and when there’s no one to do that task, I’ll try to fill the gap.

None of this is good for my health, as you might imagine. Stress is debilitating for folks with autoimmune conditions. It causes physical pain, and a resurgence of symptoms. For example, my memory gets even fuzzier than normal, and my throat tightens up. I get a bit mopey and exhausted.

What I’m beginning to realise however, is that these new circumstances in my job are shining a light on old patterns that’ve been around for a really long time.

As sucky as facing up to old patterns can be, I keep telling myself: this is all a part of the healing process.

My life is currently more balanced than ever. So I figure I now have the capacity to face up to other issues, whereas in the past there wasn’t space to deal with anything other than healing my body and mind. But now I’ve done enough work to stabilise my life, there’s room to look at other issues that are holding me back. So here they come!

Luckily, I had a kinesiology session booked for this weekend. Perfect timing as always, to help me clarify some of this stuff.

Here’s what I’m looking at right now:

I tend to put my own needs at the very bottom of the pile, underneath everyone else’s

This is an oldie but a goodie, and very common for women. It’s a people pleasing thing that goes hand in hand with my (previously out of control) poor-self esteem. I’ve mostly healed my self-esteem issues now, but this whole thing of not speaking up for what I need is still kicking around. And kicking my ass.

The reality is, I can’t afford to let this pattern remain active anymore. My health can’t take it, so like everything else that’s bringing my health down, it has to go.

Building appropriate boundaries for myself that allow me to take care of my own needs while interacting with others

So, there needs to be a balance between being of service to other people and doing the same thing for myself. I now have very specific health needs and if I don’t take care of them appropriately, I fall over in a heap.

And if I can’t take care of myself, then I can’t help anyone else, either. One of my lovely yoga teachers likes to say: teach from a place of abundance, never from a place of lack.

I’m actually pretty good at taking care of myself now, until other people come into the picture (see previous point!).

Until recently, I would always dropped whatever it is I was doing for myself in order to fulfil the needs of others. This can be seen as being over-helpful, and also it just isn’t balanced.

Plus, this isn’t what I teach as a yoga practitioner and teacher. So once again, I find myself drawing on the wisdom of yoga to bring into my life.

If you don’t have appropriate boundaries and awareness when doing yoga, you can hurt yourself. If you try too hard, you can hurt yourself. The teachings of the middle way are what I’m reminding myself of here:

Put in effort, but NOT too much effort. Work at a moderate pace. Don’t strain or force. Enjoy.

Men: this is pretty much my Achilles heel

In all the work I’ve done to recover from PTSD, this issue is one I’ve dodged since the beginning.

For many years after I was assaulted, I had no interest in men at all. NONE. I was completely shut down in that respect. Then I started feeling less shut down. But there were (and are) some big fat issues in the way: betrayal; physical/emotional intimacy; trusting myself; trusting men; feeling powerless; being unable to open up…

Those are the general themes. I think I’m now in a stable enough space to consider the idea of dating men, BUT, there’s still lots of fear swirling around.

See, I’ve been out of the dating game for so long that I feel like an awkward teenager. Around men I’m attracted to, my carefully re-established self-esteem goes up in smoke.

The irrational fear-voice in my mind says things like: I’m too old for men to be attracted to me; he’s gorgeous so why would he be interested in me; is he flirting with me? I can’t even tell; what if he DOES like me – I’d have to be vulnerable (and that’s insane); it’s probably safest to assume he isn’t into me… and so on.

Of course, this has come up because there’s a guy that I’m RIDICULOUSLY attracted to at the moment. Well, on a physical level anyway. It’s both uncontrollable and undeniable (believe me, I’ve tried to quell it!).

However, I really don’t think we’re compatible in other ways, and I suspect that this is my old pattern of being attracted to men who are wrong for me. Which is all about choosing men I can’t ever really be close to, as a way to keep myself safe (ha!). This is the very same pattern by the way, that once upon a time allowed me to invite a sociopath into my home… (not that I think the guy I’m now attracted to is a sociopath!)

Unfortunately, knowing such things hasn’t stopped this rampant attraction from growing like wildfire. I’m pretty sure it’s only one-way, too. He is someone I have to interact with on a regular basis (at work), and he’s very demanding in his dealings with me. So also: hello, boundary issues!

That’s right – my current work situation is a triple threat of my old patterns coming up to bite me. Hard.

But out of my kinesiology session, it became clear that perhaps this has come up to help me close out the these lessons: being able to have my needs met; setting appropriate boundaries; not being attracted to inappropriate men.

Which helps me put the whole thing in a new light.

This guy that I’m wildly attracted to? He isn’t here to tempt me, but to teach me.

And that’s a lesson I’m willing to accept. 😉

~Svasti

P.S. Don’t forget my Yoga Nidra give-away! It’s open until Friday 15^th June – spread the word!

Change is a funny thing

Tags

Acceptance, autoimmune disorder, Change, control, deep gorges, Freedom, Hashimoto's, Healing, hidden crevices, Kinesiology, personal power, PTSD, tools, traumatic memories, wherewithal

Often we don’t get that change is happening until it’s already here. The birth of change can be troubling, right? Because sometimes we get a little stuck. But ultimately, change has already happened by the time it registers in our brains and what we actually need to do is accept that our reality is different now.

Of course, reality is changing from moment to moment anyway. But when it changes A LOT in a short space of time; when the process is sped up or jam-packed or just significantly different than our current concept of life… that’s when the proverbial hits the fan, yeah?

So all I know is that mid-November, I had an inkling that things were Different. I mean, I had a pretty major hair cut, which is something women do when they’re acknowledging change on some level.

And when I say major, for the first time in 10-15 years, I significantly changed my hair style. Are you hearing me? I’ve more or less had the same hairstyle forever. And as I sat there in the hairdresser’s chair peering at myself in the mirror, these words rose up: Can you chop it off and make it look good? I want it to be a LOT shorter.

Immediately afterwards, I loved it. The girl who’s always had hair at least 3-4 inches past her shoulders now had neck-grazing hair length. It wasn’t short-short, but it was short enough. And to quote a friend: choppy and swishy and good.

But I didn’t really get it then. I was still caught up in the oh-my-goddess-will-I-get-a-new-job-soon momentum, avoiding (for a little while) my health, and planning for my trip to Bali while wondering if I could really afford it. Funnily enough, everything panned out.

I landed a job I love (and still do); I quit sugar – which has had a major impact on my health; my Bali trip was awesome AND due to the speed with which a new job turned up, it wasn’t a financial strain. I found a new and wonderful naturopath and we’re on EXACTLY the same page in terms of treating my health; and, my yoga practice and teaching are going from strength to strength.

Life is getting… better. At the start of this year I was desperately afraid that it wouldn’t. But so far, setting my intentions for Healing and Acceptance has been crazy-powerful. Consequently, there’s all sorts of healing and acceptance going on without my having to put too much effort into it. Or so it seems.

Yet, I was still afraid that all of this good stuff wouldn’t/couldn’t last. That at some point, it was all going to go away again and/or fall apart. Weirdly, I was carrying this around as anxiety that wouldn’t quit. Kinda silly, huh?

Then, last Saturday brought with it another major milestone.

In late 2010, I started having regular kinesiology sessions when I realised I was still struggling with PTSD in some ways. Sure, I wasn’t a complete mess like I had been. But I couldn’t talk about it freely without falling apart. Even though I was once again a functional human being, I wasn’t really okay. Not in my heart of hearts, and it was compromising my ability to move forward in life.

Every single one of my kinesiology sessions delved into the past, purging some other aspect of trauma from my body and mind. I can only liken it to wringing a towel dry – you’ve gotta keep it up til you get all the moisture out… Sometimes dealing with the past was just about being assaulted, but more often than not it also included other traumas from my past.

Because, if you face up to real healing you have to face up to all of your un-dealt with stuff. All of it. It is VERY hard work.

THEN…

For the very first time last Saturday, I had a kinesiology session in which the past didn’t come up at all. Not once.

Instead, we were dealing with this transition time between what has been, where I’m at and what will be.

I can’t tell you how weird that was. There’s been so many false starts where I thought I was “healed”. Most of it was wishful thinking, however: I wanted to be better but I hadn’t really faced up to the whole truth.

Now I have.

Of course, I’m not saying that I’m 100% sure I’ve dealt with everything that needs dealing with. I mean, can anything ever be 100%?

However, for the first time since late 2005, there are no painful shackles imprisoning me to traumatic memories. I’m no longer just a small shift away from tears and falling apart. I’ve inhabited and owned those experiences instead of dissociating from them.

It’s such a powerful feeling because I’m in control. And free!

These are two things that trauma survivors can’t relate to very easily. For example, being assaulted wasn’t something I had any control over. Neither were the years where I didn’t know I had PTSD, or the flashbacks, anxiety, or depression. I didn’t have the tools or emotional wherewithal to do much about it for many years. I also didn’t have much control over the crash-landing of my adrenal system, resulting in an auto-immune condition.

But now I do have tools, control and wherewithal. I’m physically, emotionally and mentally stronger than ever. However, to become strong I had to expose my weaknesses.

So now you can’t even unintentionally hurt me by talking about assault or PTSD. You can’t accidentally kick over my carefully constructed defences and expose my raw underbelly: my wounds – deep gorges and hidden crevices that they were – have healed properly this time with all infections excised and treated.

Managing my health will be an ongoing balancing act for the rest of my life. But, I know what helps and what hurts. And I’ll do everything in my power to minimise the impact of Hashimoto’s on my body and mind.

Yep, I’ve only just noticed that all of this change – in the form of renewed and strengthened personal power – has arrived.

But then, I got my hair cut again last Friday. Even shorter than last time. Yep.

~ Svasti

Overwhelm 2012-style

Tags

blood test places, doctors, health food stores, Kinesiology, loaded bases, new year, overwhelm, specialists, Twister, yoga classes

A huge chunk of last year felt like one long relay lap between the doctors, specialists, blood test places, health food stores, yoga classes and my bed. There were a handful of bright lights in 2011 – my good friend getting married, starting a tradition of Sunday walks with said friend and new hubby, my third niece’s birth, and my trip to Bali. Teaching one yoga class a week was a steady constant and a blessing, and I’m forever grateful for my ongoing kinesiology sessions. But everything else felt VERY BLEH.

It was all about the descent into being Very Unwell and the subsequent healing work.

Basically, 2011 was exhausting and extremely tough. Just when I thought I’d finished all of my hardest work.

And, dear readers, over the last few days I’ve begun to notice with total clarity that I’ve not come into 2012 feeling all shiny-brand-new-bursting-with-energy-and-positivity.

You heard me. NOT.

Instead, what I’ve got right now is a case of overwhelm.

Life feels a bit like a game of Twister.

All the bases are loaded with hands and feet everywhere and WHERE ON EARTH is the next foot or hand going when the wheel is spun, once again? Will we topple over in a heap, or keep the precarious balance going a little longer? And just how do we get things untangled again?

You see? Overwhelm.

I’m pretty sure most of this hangs on the issue of:

My Health
(dun dun duhhhhnnnnn!)

Currently it can best be described as “hmmmm, okay-ish”.

Seems I’ve hit another wall in the healing process, which means that the early January 2012 version of Svasti is issued with less than a full tank of energy. And when it’s gone, there aint no more.

The only remedy is rest, calm and quiet. Eating right, sleeping a lot, doing yoga, getting acupuncture and/or kinesiology and praying like crazy for better health.

Yet… there’s been so much going on:

Finding a new job yet again and all the new job stress; dealing with the two apartments above mine being renovated for months and months on end (So. Noisy.); thinking I was going to be penniless again and then I wasn’t; organising my birthday trip to Bali (to relax, ironically!); coping with Christmas; and then looking after my mother.

On top of this, I haven’t gone back to see my expensive thyroid doctor for further tests and treatment because I didn’t have a job for a while. Now I’ve changed jobs, her offices are nowhere near where I work or live. Plus, I wasn’t entirely happy with some of her suggestions last time.

So… I’m a little bit at a loss as to what I should do next. I mean, I know I should go back to my GP and get another round of blood tests to see where things are at. But then I think I need to keep looking for the right specialist to further investigate the cause of my health problems (on top of my kinesiology sessions, of course).

And damnit, if I’m not totally anxious about getting my health back on track! I want it NOW.

Which is ridiculous. I’m also:

• Frustrated that I didn’t get to pay off all my debts by the end of 2011.
• Determined to get my debts paid off THIS year, but afraid that some other minor financial disaster will strike again. I really hope it doesn’t.
• Worried/hopeful about fitting in/coping with my new job okay. I don’t want to have to look for work again in a hurry!
• Really wanting to move to a cheaper place to live but at the same time, I’m loathe to do so.
• Wanting to write my books!
• Wanting to teach more yoga.
• Wanting more FUN and socialising in my life this year.
• Desperately missing my guru and wishing that it was possible for me to both pay off my debts this year AND travel to see him. But I really doubt it. And being debt free has to come first, so I can do all of this.
• Really, really, really wanting to date or have a guy in my life again. Really.
• Aware that I probably can’t really have all of these things, certainly not while my health is still all wonky.

So, this weekend I’m gonna do some goal setting using Kerry’s Alignment Kit.

I think its perfect timing, albeit a few days later than the first day of the new year.

But oh so necessary. So that I don’t burst.

~Svasti

Zoom zoom zoom

Tags

Bali, Birthday, flowers, Howzat, Kinesiology, new job, yoga teaching

Whoah, so how did we get to Thursday already?

While I am in fact sitting down right now, I feel like I’ve just stepped off a boat or plane or something that moves p-r-e-t-t-y swiftly. Everything that’s meant to be still is sort of pulsing and my legs are a tad wobbly. Whiplash? Might have that, too.

That’s how fast this week has travelled. And busy? Ohmigoodness.

By end of play Tuesday, I’d had two first interviews, one second interview and a job offer. Howzat for a head spin?

Seems I’m gonna have to learn how to work for a really cute boss and not get distracted. There are worse things than working with a gorgeous man, yes?

[Edit: Cute boss turns out to be a smoker. Instant de-ranking from the Cuteness Scale!]

Truthfully, I’m relieved. I honestly didn’t expect to land a job this side of Christmas let alone be asked to start before I go away to Bali (more on that next week!). They actually wanted me to start today but I needed some time to get a few things done if I’m gonna be working right up until I leave.

But then, just a couple of weeks ago I had a kinesiology session to get balanced for finding a job. The following Monday (last week) the phone started ringing off the hook!

No word of a lie.

The same week, I thought about letting go and living life the way I teach yoga. Just to see what happens.

I also had a few words with the Universe about what I really needed.

As in: I have $X in the bank and need roughly $X more in December to stay solvent. Funnily enough, with the yoga teaching, freelance work and working five days for my new employer, I think I now have that covered.

The phone kept ringing all of last week. Then an old workmate forwarded me the info about the job I’ve now been offered. An interview was organised for Monday of this week. Then a second interview Tuesday and a job offer only hours later!

In terms of what it’s paying, it’s a little bit under what I wanted. But it’s a permanent role, which is a bonus on account of the job security and not having to look for work all the time. It’ll also give me experience in a couple of areas that I haven’t touched on that much so far in my career. So I think it’s gonna be good!

I’ll work Friday-Thursday and then Friday week I’m flying away on a jet plane… then I’m not due back at work until 4^th January.

Exciting!

Also this week:

• Met with my freelance client to get her WordPress site up and running. That wee project is well underway.
• I was given flowers (photo at the top of this post) as an early birthday present from the yoga school I teach at. Totally unexpected and so sweet! Miss Cleo the cat and I are enjoying them very much.
• Got a taste of my future lifestyle as a part time yoga teacher, while working part time in the digital industry, as I did a couple of jobs for MM… Yoga! Lots of fun. 🙂
• Did heaps of running around today. Errands. Stocked up on vitamins. Bought a cheapie digital camera (since my other one bit it), plus a crazy-cheap new dress and shoes for work!

I am officially exhausted from the pace of this week and it’s very nice to be sitting still with some downtime on hand.

So I’m having an early-to-bed evening to make sure I’m all shiny and energetic for my first day at the new job tomorrow.

Wish me luck!

~Svasti

A new affirmation for me

Tags

honor, Kinesiology, respect, Self-Awareness, self-love, TLC

Went to another kinesiology session today thanks to the kindness of my therapist, who told me I could fix her up later for it. For which I am incredibly grateful!

The main purpose for today was to balancing any obstacles I might have that could be causing this ongoing pattern of having work/having no work.

It’s simultaneously surprising and not so surprising, but what came up was stuff around my last permanent job. Which is where I worked at the time I was assaulted.

But it’s also the place where I told two female bosses what’ d happened to me and instead of compassion and understanding, I was bullied. At a time when I was very low, they kicked me in the shins. I was put on performance management for not doing my job properly (you try being functional when you’ve got PTSD!) and through various pretty horrible actions, those two women added to my stress considerably.

Of course, all of this stuff seems to link into my current health issues with my thyroid. Doh!

The above affirmation is one we used today that especially struck a chord with me. What immediately popped up in my mind was:

If I consciously honored and respected myself every day, what would that look like? How would things be different?

Personally I think things could be VERY different. I mean most of the time I’m in a good place these days, but I still have my bad times. Especially right now when I’m unemployed and not sure where my next job will be coming from!

But being in a good place is not the same thing as taking time out to provide some self-TLC, is it?

While I’m not ready just yet to write about how all of this looks for me, I invite you to think about these questions for yourself.

Is there a 5-10 minute daily ritual you could do? Would be it making sure you get enough exercise? Enough sleep? Making sure you like the way you’re dressed? Eating the right foods? Doing a mini-yoga session? Having a nanna nap?

Imagine how you’d feel if this became an every day habit. I’m pretty sure it’d make each day just a little bit brighter and more centered!

If you feel like it, tell me your ideas for honoring and respecting yourself in the comments.

~ Svasti xxx

Review: Kerry Belvisio’s Self Alignment Kit – part II

Tags

alignment, Anxiety, calmness, career, chakra cards, FREAKING THE FRACK OUT, Kerry Belvisio, Kinesiology, Love, Money, Negativity, peace, self alignment, Self-Alignment Kit, space, speaking truth, survival

[Read part I first]

Part II of this review is where I tell you all about what I did Sunday night for my first time using the Self-Alignment Kit!

Personally right now I’ve been pretty stressed about my impending potential unemployment.

You know… right before Christmas (spendy and not a great time to be looking for work!). Right before my fully paid for holiday (yikes!). No partner or anyone else I might be able to lean on for support (physically, emotionally, financially etc etc).

Freaking scary, let me tell you! But also, I’ve been in this place before. For months, actually. And the thought of going through that again scares me silly.

So I thought I’d try to get some self-alignment happening around all of this. Because if I can get rid of some of the anxiety/negativity/blurry vision around my work situation, that has to be a good thing, right?

Working the process to get aligned

So I read the workbook first (as recommended), then printed off a worksheet. You use a new worksheet each time you want to get aligned with one of your goals.

The first thing the worksheet asks you to do is to work out your area of focus.

For me right now, that’s easy: Money. Career.

The next question is about how you feel about those things. Haha. I wrote: Scared. Upset. Freaked out. 😀

Then, there’s the process of figuring out your goal for this particular session. The workbook has lots of helpful hints and even some suggestions around common topics like love, career, family etc, that you can adapt for your own purposes.

My goal is around securing a stable and well-paying job in the immediate future.

Then comes the fun part. I had printed out but not yet cut up my chakra cards.

A sample of some of the dozens of chakra cards in the kit

So part of this first time around was cutting them into their little coloured squares and messing up the order, shuffling them with intent and so on.

I did an extremely thorough job of said shuffling, then spread them out on my desk to choose one.

With my eyes closed.

Hands over the cards, feeling for a hotspot.

And which card do you think came up?

Yep…

At which I rolled my eyes, because DUH!

This whole thyroid/Hashimoto’s deal is about EXACTLY THIS.

Kerry wisely counsels: Assume that the first card you choose is the RIGHT card. Otherwise you might miss something important.

Smart cookie, that Kerry.

Because otherwise I might’ve done just that, thinking that “speaking truth” was just too obvious for me. And also too “big” for this career/money goal I was focusing on.

So I decided to trust the process, and was pleasantly surprised by what came up. I kept working through the questions on the worksheet and here’s what I figured out…

Speaking the truth about my current line of work is somewhat precarious. Obviously I don’t want to tell a potential employer that I’m only in it for the money until I get to the point where I can quit (for my excellently awesome future life plans).

BUT. Then I asked myself…

– Am I being truthful about what I will and won’t accept in this interim (meaning, “for now”) work I’m doing?

– Am I setting expectations with potential employers that honour and support my needs, while still doing the best job I can?

– Am I just copping out with how I’m viewing this interim work and therefore creating a rod for my own back? (i.e. “suffering” through things I don’t want to do, making life less enjoyable)

– Could I really be making more of this time, and with this interim work?

Hmmmm. Then I figured out the following truths:

• I know, of course, that the work I’m doing right now is not how I ultimately want to be earning money.
• But I’ve been treating it all as very much just a means to an end.
• I’ve allowed myself to take jobs that pay well, but haven’t necessarily allowed me to feel fulfilled or satisfied at all.
• But it doesn’t have to be that way. Even though I don’t really want to be doing this kind of work forever, I CAN find employment that allows me some job satisfaction.
• Doing this work is certainly a means to an end, but it doesn’t have to be just about financial survival.
• Oh wow… look at that.
  Here I am using the word “survival”, which has been the mode I’ve functioned in for the last 5 or 6 years.
  I-n-t-e-r-e-s-t-i-n-g…

So at the end of the process (which can be as short or long as you like!), I found myself writing the following:

• I don’t have to take just any job.
• The job I am offered will meet my physical, financial AND spiritual needs (somehow!)
• I can find people and lessons in this work I don’t want to be doing forever – these people or learnings will be of benefit to me in the future, even if I don’t know it now.

Which left me feeling… a little less panicked and overwhelmed.

Which created a little more space and calmness – as opposed to the FREAKING THE FRACK OUT that I had been doing.

A day later, I’m still feeling positive and calm.

I have an interview lined up for tomorrow at lunchtime, and I feel confident that I’m coming from the right place in assessing whether or not it will be the right job for me.

All in all I’m in a much happier place than I was last week, even though I’m closer than ever to potential unemployment.

Like the Self-Alignment Kit? Use this discount code!

Kerry has kindly offered readers of this blog a 15% discount.

Hooray for discounts!

So instead of AUD $59, you’ll pay AUD $50.15 – which is excellent value for something you can re-use time and time again.

Just enter this code when you order: imwithsvasti

Thanks, Kerry!

Timing is everything, and this little gift of the Self-Alignment Kit has been very timely indeed. I can’t tell you how much I value your support and love.

~~~~~~

Wishing you all peace, love and alignment, peeps.

~ Svasti xxx

Review: Kerry Belvisio’s Self Alignment Kit – part I

Tags

alignment, Blogging, chakra cards, Healing, Kerry Belvisio, Kerry in your pocket, Kinesiology, Kinesiology Fan Girl, self alignment, Self-Alignment Kit, self-sabotage

First, a little back story

Just the other day I was thinking about the myriad of ways blogging has benefited my life. I’ve made new friends, new connections and learned So. Much.

Blogging has also kept me accountable for my healing process, even though I never would’ve suggested that’s what I was doing. And the writing of it all has helped me unravel much more than I ever thought possible.

Through a pathway of interconnected bloggers, at some point I found myself thinking: I guess I’d better check out this Nadine chick I keep hearing about from other bloggers. Which led to meeting Nadine AND Mark Whitwell.

It also led me to attend Nadine and Kerry’s Unstuck Workshop. Which meant that when the shizz hit the fan (AGAIN) after my five year…ermmm…anniversary of being assaulted, I called Kerry for an appointment.

Connections, connections.

So thanks to blogging I’ve been having regular kinesiology sessions for around twelve months now, and it has been incredibly transformative.

Hi. My name is Svasti and I am a Kinesiology Fan Girl.

I saw Kerry for months and months, but now I’m seeing Amanda – whom Kerry referred me to on account of all of the thyroid stuff I’m dealing with.

Because Kerry is just that kind of healer: putting the needs of her clients first.

(It should also be noted that the thyroid stuff came up, I suspect, because in a session with Kerry I was all: I don’t know what I need to do next!! Soon afterwards, it was: hello, physical health! See, I need to get that all sorted before I run off adventuring around the world.)

Of course, that creates a bit of a quandary for me because now I have TWO lovely kinesiology ladies that I adore for all of their amazing work. So whenever I’m recommending kinesiology to my friends, I always give them both Kerry’s and Amanda’s details.

Anyway, on to the ACTUAL review:
The Self-Alignment Kit

Kerry has gone and created a brilliant piece of DIY-at-home kinesiology* in The Self Alignment Kit.

*Just to be clear – while I’ve just described the kit as a piece of DIY-at-home kinesiology, it’s only a part of the work that kinesiology does. So if you ever get the chance to have a session (or two or three or…) then do it. You won’t regret it!

I was already planning on buying one, but Kerry generously offered the kit to me as a gift!

So I thought I’d repay her in kind by sharing my experiences to date.

Already, I know this is a tool I’ll use many, many times over.

So. What does the Self-Alignment Kit contain?

A few things, actually:

• A handy dandy audio guide of Kerry talking you through the steps.
  Very helpful, especially the first time you try the kit out.
  It’s kind of like tucking Kerry in your pocket and bringing her home for a chat. 🙂
• The step-by-step guidebook – which talks about how we get stuck and misaligned with our goals, as well as lots of info on how to use the kit.
• A worksheet – you’ll need a fresh one every time you use your Self-Alignment Kit.
• A set of chakra cards – this is the main tool for figuring out where in your body/chakras you are misaligned to your goals.
• A little book of goals – something I plan to use extensively very soon. I just didn’t have enough time on the weekend.
  This part of the kit looks like a luxurious adventure in getting clear on your future life plans. Which hey, I’ve got a lot of those and I’d totally like to be in alignment with them!

So what does the kit actually do?

Think of it as a tune-up tool for your life’s plans and goals.

Doesn’t it bug you when you want your life to go in a certain direction but you feel like stuff keeps dragging you down and/or backwards?

It sure bugs me. Sometimes I’ve felt like I’m walking on the spot on a treadmill, but don’t even know it. There I am, looking towards where I want to be but finding those things just out of reach.

That’s misalignment in action.

Getting aligned with where you want to be is seeing and getting off the treadmill, and really and truly being able to move forwards.

Some pretty cool stuff about the Self-Alignment Kit

Just a few observations:

• Part self-coaching, part kinesiology session, it helps you to focus on your goals and ferret out any little self-sabotages you’ve got going on. Stuff that unbeknownst to you, is getting in the way of your own happiness.
• The process is simple and it works.
• Not that I had any doubts about something Kerry has produced, but even for this first attempt it worked better than I expected.
• It’s empowering. Something that most of us need to learn is that anyone you go to for healing is the facilitator of your own natural healing capability.
  Using this kit really helps to see that for yourself, in case you didn’t really get it beforehand.
• Kerry’s chakra cards are cool. Being a yoga student and teacher, I know a few things about chakras. But I really like the kinesiology way of referencing various physical/emotional needs with our chakras, and I especially like Kerry’s chakra cards!
  They are no-nonsense, colourful and to the point. For someone like me whose never been into much of the really New Age “woo woo” stuff, this is my kind of tool (along with the yogAttitude cards!).
• Make it quick or take your time. If something is playing on your mind, you can get in there with a quick, intuition-driven self-analysis. That’s what I did on Sunday night (see part II of this review).
  Or, you can plan a more in-depth goal setting and alignment session. Maybe over a glass of wine, with some music and incense. A night just for you to get real with your own life.
• It’s a completely digital product, so there’s no delay once you’ve purchased it. You can download everything you need from Kerry’s website and get going straight away!
• Eco-preferences: You can choose to print the e-books or not: it’s up to you. However, the chakra cards do need to be printed. I intend to get a set laminated so they’ll last for as long as possible.

So as you can see, there’s plenty to like about the Self-Alignment Kit, right?

Part II of this review is about what I did on Sunday night. Check it out!

~ Svasti

Feedback, grace and de-snarking

Tags

Anger, Dancing, downward dog, feedback, Fibromyalgia, Grace, grattitude, Hashimoto’s, inflammation, Kinesiology, massage, Road rage, snappy, snarky, snippy, Yoga

Giant demon baby: lurking outside Melbourne's town hall

So I want to tell you about teaching last night, but I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging.

I’m not.

I don’t think these things are so much about me, as a reflection of all of the wonderful teachings I’ve been fortunate enough to receive and pass on.

But I want to share what happened because so far in my still very early-days career as a yoga teacher, I’ve noticed that feedback from students – good or bad – doesn’t come around that often.

I mean, I’ve also noticed that as a student I too, do this lack of feedback thing. I go to classes that I love but I rarely share with my teacher how much I enjoy the class. Sure, I say “thank you” and smile and come back again and again. But as for implicit feedback that lets the teacher know what I’m getting out of the class? That’s not something I do very much.

And it’s a weird thing, being a new yoga teacher like me and sharing the teachings and… not really getting any information back from students. I get it, though. I mean, when a yoga class works for you, it creates a fairly internal experience. Really, it can be hard to share when you’re in that sort of space.

Then some days out of the blue and maybe after weeks or months, feedback arrives and it’s pretty WOW.

Like last night.

With downward dog/mountain pose, I like to observe how my beginner students fare before getting into sequences that use it a lot. Because while it looks like a really simple pose, there’s quite a lot going on!

I find there’s always a huge variance in how people interpret my initial instructions. Of course, there’s a bunch of reasons for that – body awareness, stiffness, injury and so on. So I get them to try the pose on for size. Then we talk about it a bit before I get them to try it again. There’s always an improvement the second time around, so I know they hear me once they’ve started to connect with their body a little more.

One girl had what I refer to as an “oh WOW moment”. With big wide eyes, she told me that she’s never felt comfortable doing that pose before and now it’s starting to make sense to her. She was astounded, but actually the astounding thing (as I told her later) is that she’s starting to connect to her own body and to the pose.

This is just the beginning, I said, keep up this sense of feeling and finding what works in your poses!

The other piece of feedback I had was after the class, from a student who’s been coming fairly steadily for about four months now. She’s a lesson in all of the things your students never tell you, even when you ask them to, and how much there is to learn from making time to talk with your students outside of the class.

Because until last night, I didn’t know she had fibromyalgia (no mention of it on her initial registration form!). She told me that doing yoga has transformed her health, which honestly makes my heart do a little dance. Yay, yoga!

BUT she wasn’t happy with the way the last two classes had been somewhat “disrupted” by individuals asking questions that were specific to their own needs. She likes it when the classes flow and we just get into what we’re doing. Which isn’t always possible, as I explained. This is a beginner’s yoga class and sometimes the beginners are total newbies who need specific help.

So we sat down for a little chat. I talked to her about inflammation, knowing from my conversations with Rachel that fibromyalgia/ME has a LOT in common with Hashimoto’s. And we talked about how anger and its cousins: irritation; frustration; annoyance (etc), are basically inflammation – which doesn’t help her health issues. She knew exactly what I was talking about.

I also told her that knowing all of that doesn’t mean that her frustrations don’t matter. They do, but that it’s another aspect of yoga, to work on finding ways to let go of that which irritates us because ultimately, it’s better for our health.

Holding onto anger = holding on to inflammation.

The win in this situation is this: her practice is showing her how easy it is to get irritated, and that’s actually an opportunity to do something about it.

So. What am I saying here?

I guess I’m saying… okay, from time to time, get into a little conversation with your yoga teacher. If they’re caring, they’ll be open to it. Tell them if you’re enjoying their class and/or if there’s something that bothers you. They’ll be very thankful for your words, I promise.

I’m also saying this – even if you don’t have fibromyalgia/ME, Hashimoto’s or any other condition caused by inflammation in the body, letting go of all the things that irritate you means less chance of ever succumbing to chronic inflammation and therefore, dis-ease.

So: work at defusing your road rage, and/or all those little things that niggle you in life. The stuff that makes you snarky, snippy or snappy at yourself/others on your bad days.

Because my lovelies, THAT is all inflammation. And too much inflammation will make you sick.

You can try things like kinesiology, yoga, massage, dancing and other kinaesthetic-based practices that help you connect with what’s really going on with yourself.

It isn’t easy, but it’s possible, says the formerly VERY ANGRY person writing this post.

Coz life is better when we’re not snarky at a moments notice – for us and everyone around us.

~ Svasti