Life doesn’t stop for toilet breaks

Tags

Acupuncture, Ayurveda, Baraka, coconut water, cranio-sacral osteopathy, Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, Healing, jasmine, Kinesiology, kirtan, Yoga

Yes, I am getting better.

No, I really can’t tell you how or what or why. Only that it is, and more than anything I’ve ever done this healing work is Very Strange.

Mostly because the results aren’t ever what I expect them to be, even when I’ve got a good idea about some of the related particulars.

So I keep thinking – I really wanna write about that… – before the moment(s) pass and I know that somehow, even though it IS interesting, it just isn’t what I want to say.

So instead I say nothing, and like one of those pseudo-documentary movies (remember Baraka?) everything moves and there is beauty and sadness and incredibly distinct experiences and yet… I can’t seem to find the remote for this life, the one with the pause button that’ll give me a few more minutes to write what I see before the scene changes.

Life doesn’t really stop for toilet breaks, does it?

We’re working here, you know that, right? It’s a deconstruction zone but not the kind that leaves rubble and mayhem. What I’m getting instead are whiffs of jasmine and incense and easeful transitions in areas of my world that are wholly surprising.

To tell it straight might sound like one cliché after another, I think. It’d also be a great disservice to the entire process.

What’s working? Lots of things. But as I said, it’s been about throwing spaghetti for me. So is one thing working more than another? Probably. If I tried to guess though, I’m sure I’d be wrong. Like my approach, it’s possibly a bit of everything, and I’m good with that.

But to be clear(ish) it’s these things: kinesiology; Ayurveda; lots of yoga (of course); developing routine sleeping and eating habits; insane amounts of coconut water; cranio-sacral osteopathy (madly esoteric? why, yes!); acupuncture; kirtan (singing sacred words with joy bursting forth from my heart and tears rolling down my face).

That’s a bit of a montage, isn’t it? Yet, what’s going on is – MORE. So much more energy that I’ve felt a little bit crazy, since I haven’t felt this good in a very long time (and we’re not done yet!). More strength, more vigour, more happiness. And LESS: anxiety; mood swings; insomnia and other related madness.

Then, unexpected things happen.

But as it turns out, not actually as disconnected as it might initially seem. For example, a gradual release of long-held angst – for all sorts of reasons – towards my very own ma and pa.

All part of the healing work, and oddly amusing in its own way.

That’d be the next post, though. 😉

~ Svasti

Partying on with some integration #reverb10

Tags

#reverb10, Awareness, bhakti, bliss, Body integration, chanting, dirty rotten hippie, heart chakra, kirtan, Mark Whitwell, Meditation, party, Presence, Sanskrit, Shadow Yoga, Vahni, Yoga

Almost at total catch up point now! Today’s been a weird day that involved a grown woman – at least ten years older than me – throwing a fully fledged tantrum in the work place. I can’t tell you how befuddling I find that!

Unfortunately I also find such things a little stressful, and with stress comes my good friend Anxiety. Let me tell you that anxiety blows. And this close to Christmas, it’s the last thing I need!

Anyhoo! On with the #reverbing!!

Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans.
~ December 9 prompt

Go ahead, call me a dirty rotten hippie if you must but my idea of an awesome time is a night of kirtan – that’d be a Sanskrit word meaning something like chant/sing the glory/repeating.

And generally kirtan involves repetitive singing/chanting of a stanza or two – usually also in Sanskrit – sung over and over with varying degrees of intensity pretty much til your heart bursts open in joy, sitting on a cushion in a small crowd of like-minded souls, singing and later sipping chai, copping a hug or two and looking forward to the next one.

The end result is usually some form of ooey-gooey loved up state of being, having been hit by the bliss machine and feeling like a million bucks, plastered with the widest smile you’ve been wearing all week.

I know some people aren’t into kirtan because they think chanting the names of gods and goddesses they don’t believe in is somehow hokey. But the beauty of Sanskrit is that the words themselves have a vibrational quality. Simple repetition of these sounds and letting your singing voice come from the heart (not your head or your throat) creates an incredible heart chakra opening. It doesn’t really matter what the words mean!

Earlier this year, one of our group decided to have a kirtan party for her birthday. So a whole bunch of us gathered to eat wholesome pot luck yogic-type food, drink chai and chant for hours on end.

The party was held at a beautiful place called Prana House, upstairs on Sydney Rd on the north side of Melbourne. White drapes are the main decorations there, with incense burning and people wandering around in stocking feet. Everyone in comfy clothes, ready for a boogie!

We always start a kirtan session seated, but once the bhakti takes hold people often want to dance. And that night we certainly did! People of all ages were getting their groove on, including some very cute little munchkin yogis-in-training.

Before the night was out I’d been hugged ferociously, I’d sung my heart out and danced up a frenzy. No one was drunk; no one threw up or passed out. Everyone I met there was pleasant and happy to talk to others – no aloofness or sexual politics. Just a bunch of hippie/yogi types enjoying that expansion of love that kirtan generates…

::

Body integration. This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?
~ December 12 prompt

Let your mind rest in the practice, says my Shadow Yoga teacher.

I’d heard that one dozens of times before but didn’t really understand what she meant until recent times.

Mark Whitwell talks about the same thing in a different way – he says that asana can be your senior spiritual practice. That there is no meditation, just resting in the present moment.

I’m from a school of training that focuses on asana leading to seated meditation practice, and I still believe in the importance of an extended seated practice (starting at an hour, working up to multiple hours). BUT meditation with the same focus I described above.

As I’ve mentioned before, one of my nemesis-asana in Shadow Yoga is Vahni. I’ve been working it for the last year or so and yet it still causes me grief. These days I pretty much have it down on the left side of my body, but I regularly fall out of it on the right. Generally speaking, I fear it on some level and I know my fear contributes to how well I can do the pose.

In class a few weeks ago, I was most surprised to find myself moving fluidly into Vahni (on the left, of course). I sat back on my left heel with the right leg crossed over the left, and I discovered poise and comfort. But more than that, my mind and body were completely in this pose I’ve found challenging for so long. It was silent and calm. It was glorious!

Right then, a little voice at the back of my mind got all excited and said, Oh WOW! Look, we’re doing it, we’re doing it!!

Listening to my inner dialog caused me to fall out of the pose and land on my butt! I let loose with a hearty chuckle as I hit the floor.

As my Guru often says – the moment when you’re telling yourself that you’ve “got” something is actually when you don’t. There is nothing to attain or point to, we only need to come naturally to that state of pure presence and awareness. It can’t be forced.

It was a great teaching for me as a student and as well as for teaching others. Finding that sort of presence in asana practice (and not just meditation) isn’t easy to grasp. But what it showed me is how often I am NOT in that state while I practice asana, and that’s just a wasted opportunity.

The other thing I realised is the ease with which I can perform asana I’m otherwise a little frightened of in that state – a meditative mind isn’t providing confidence exactly, just a state of openness where anything is possible if you let it be just as it is…

No struggle. No drama.

~Svasti

#reverb10 – a community quilt

Tags

bejewelled inner nature, benevolence, Blogging, Community, haven, kirtan, Lonliness, Love, overflow station, patchwork quilts, PTSD, purging, rejection, self-preservation, teetering, Twitter, virtual world, Writing, Yoga

Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?
~December 7th writing prompt

Sometimes it’s what I crave more than anything else – a sense of belonging to a place, to people. That I’m somehow important enough to someone that we don’t go more than a day or two without talking or hanging out.

This hasn’t been my experience of life in recent times. And while I crave this thing, I very much feel the ringing absence of it all and I wonder how it’ll ever be any different. So I do what I always do, and hunker down close to the things I know. And that can be lonely, but at least there’s no feeling of rejection there. Just… space.

I’ve watched my idea of community change a whole bunch in the last few years, as much as I’ve experienced it shrinking then growing again in unexpected ways.

Before 2010 I spent so long hiding away from everyone, licking my wounds in private and slowly losing touch with those who might care.

Mostly just because it was easier than saying things like:

Yes, I was assaulted. I wasn’t raped, just beaten up. And even though it only happened once, I somehow developed Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and depression – and I’m way more surprised about that than you’ll ever be. I’m also highly embarrassed and pretty messed up. Actually, I’m really fragile in lots of ways and it can be so much effort just being out around other people, frightening me with their mysteries. Sometimes, I even consider committing suicide because constantly living in terror and having flashbacks is both exhausting and soul-destroying.

If only I could’ve said those words: they needed to be said in order to feel like I was heard. Seen. But I couldn’t, of course. Mostly because I didn’t even know what was going on for a while. Then, once I did, it wasn’t like I suddenly felt the urge to share. So my community grew small. Smaller. Smallest. Gone.

Then a flicker of life, the tiniest of sparks came back to me when I began blogging in 2008, kick-starting the process of purging sticky toxic grime from the insides of my skin.

Silently (to those not in the know) and wordfully, I published my screams and terrors and found others like me: teetering on the edge of our own extinction and yet somehow finding the strength to fight back.

Throughout, I’ve gathered my online community like the cosiest of patchwork quilts, adding another patch here and there. Creating comfort and warmth.

Some have been with me from the start, or shortly thereafter. Others are more recent. They’ve either discovered me, or I came across them – it matters not. In each other we’ve recognised the reflection of our bejewelled inner nature… we salute another solid gold soul and each and every one of you (and there are many) make me happy. Your benevolence gleams brightly in my eyes and heart.

Twitter has enhanced the sharing and further developed these friendships. I’ve even been emboldened to meet a few of my blog and Twitter friends, which has been just like I expected: in the flesh, people I’ve known and loved online and from afar are as marvellous as I imagined (oh yes, you are).

I don’t really understand how it works – but all these people I would never have met or known otherwise are now a part of my life in one way or another, and that seems mightily precious and special. How did you get here? I’m not too sure, but get here you did. Thank you for that!

My online life has been one of safety. It’s allowed my writing skills to grow, and created a haven of protection for the things I’ve had to say. My blog friends have helped me understand that no matter what I’ve shared, I am loved anyway. That is inexpressibly invaluable because it’s not something I’ve had in spades very often.

Words that might never have passed my lips any other way have escaped as pixels on a page and were launched into the stratosphere via WordPress. They’ve gained freedom from the prison of my inner world and in doing so, helped very much to change my own perspective on my experiences. It’s kind of magical in a way!

My blog has changed over the last two and a half years. It used to be just about purging the grief, anger and horror from my lungs, my heart, kidneys and all those other great hiding places within.

Now, I balance writing on mental health topics with my ever unfolding interest and love of yoga. And in this I’ve found new friends – more treasured patches for the quilt!

Then, my online world started spilling into the non-virtual in other ways. Someone suggested I use a service called Meetup.com to find local interests (and therefore people). Which is how I found the kirtan group I’ve been a part of since late last year. More about kirtan in another post very soon!

This year the dynamics have changed – a core group of us became not just people who meet up once a month to chant, but suddenly we had each other’s phone numbers and email addresses and outside that original circle, friendships are slowly growing.

But I can be hesitant to allow people into my life. The only time that’s different is those lightning moments where the spark of knowing transcends any sense of social awkwardness. Instantly, a stranger and I are friends and it’s always been that way, will always be that way.

Mostly though, it doesn’t happen like that (except for when it does).

This is how I’d like my community to grow in the coming year: I still need my online safety net – in some ways it’s the overflow station for all the things I can’t/don’t want to say or do elsewhere. But I’d like to find a way to prise open my stringent self-preservation a little. Crack the corner a bit and let myself out to play with abandon.

I suspect I might not have any choice about this anyhow – being nudged by the universe as I am to teach yoga more and more. And the more I teach, the more I’m lovingly forced to open. Don’t think I can actually teach any other way.

Community isn’t just about what you get from others – it’s something you contribute to and help create. And I think it’s coming for me, as I am for it.

Love. I have lots of it to share and I hope y’all out there are ready for it…

~Svasti

Fucking December – or – where’s my hermit permit?

Tags

behind the curtain, Christmas, December, Depression, dithering, faceades, gently smiling smoke-screen, hermitage, kirtan, parties, PTSD, socialising, solitude, system overload freak out shut down, trickster-self, wandering sadhu

For the first time in way too many years my end-of-year dance card is in danger of collapsing under the weight of my social commitments.

Honestly it’s a first since… well, since I moved back to Melbourne towards the end of 2004.

Don’t get me wrong: I was never a social pariah exactly and once in the mood I enjoy a good party. Really. And December of 2004 included a decent heft of socialising. That was back when I had an actual boyfriend (the one I had before I dumped his ass and several months later met the guy who caused this blog to come into being). I mean, the ex-boyfriend had friends and we did stuff with them. Nothing too hectic, and not really about the heavy drinking – which has never been my scene anyway (well, not after I turned twenty-one anyways). It was nice.

The 2005 end-of-year social season began just a couple of months after I’d landed upside down and back-to-front on the mental un-wellness rollercoaster and into a rather noirish Tim Burton version of my life. Where nothing grows and the order of the day is pretty much hiding: your wounds, pain, trauma and desperately trying not to look too freaked out by anyone, no matter what.

Generally speaking, living in that world means doing less and staying the hell away from people. Of course, I’d go to the odd work event because I’d already decided work was a “safe zone” – one where I’d managed to stuff the nightmare my life had become into a densely compacted travel compartment: it came along for the ride as a stow-away. But mostly I’d keep my out of work socialising to zero.

In fact, there was even a year in there where I almost didn’t make it to the ol’ family Christmas lunch due to a whirlwind of indecisive dithering: I couldn’t figure out what to put in the salad, which was really about stalling for time so I didn’t have to be around people too soon erecting yet another gently smiling smoke-screen to fend off the worst of my inner demons.

See my wounds? No, please DON’T see my wounds because why should you be as horrified as I am numb and scared and pretty much completely fucked up?

And so going out in public meant not just the usual make-up, hair and wardrobe choices. It also meant the careful concealment of heart-rending anxiety, draping the curtains just so over the gaping chasm of my chest so no one would be the wiser. Because everyone knows that nobody’s allowed behind the curtain. Right, Mr Wizard?

Fast forward a few disassociated years of madness and despair…

Then there was 2009. It was a huge one for me. Not so much socially, although my diary was inked with a couple more “do’s” than usual… but it was pretty much the year I came back to life. The first time I felt real relief from the ongoing doom of depression stalking my every second.

I remember that lightness as something I noticed… hey, what’s this?? This extra energy, this impulse to leave the house for more than just buying food or going to work? This… delighting in nature, talking to cats and dogs on the street and taking photos of street art. This… feeling of spaciousness and lightness and… HOLY SHIVA, PERHAPS I’M FEELING BETTER!?!!

For months I waited and watched and hmmm, that did seem to be the case. Although this year hasn’t exactly been full of candid camera type happily-ever-after moments, there’s definitely been a slow-burning series of incremental improvements in my ability to handle the ups and downs. Give or take a few one step forwards, and two back.

And perhaps it’s just some kind of coincidence, but hey, whoah! Trying to keep track of December 2010’s comings and goings is proving eventful. Who is that girl impersonating a butterfly? Thank goodness for the blessed and painless synching of Google calendar with my iPhone!

Thing is, I think I’ve grown accustomed to my solitude. As desperately lonely as I’ve felt in my self-exiled world of personal torture – alone is safe. Easy. Comfortable. There’s no unexpected surprises. Well, not once the flashbacks stopped anyway! 😉

There’s a party tonight and while this wretched neck of mine still ain’t its usual frolicking self, I feel obligated to go out even though I’d rather invest a few more hours in slumber. Thing is, I still sort of want to go and I know I’ll have a good time. These are people I like. Yogis. There will even be kirtan and potluck dinner at someone’s home.

Yet the call of “take it easy – you’ve had a hard week” shoots rippling soundwaves of longing around and around… that old comfort of not being anywhere in particular. I hear it’s logic. I know what my night would be like. Safe. Fucking safe and going nowhere fast. And safe.

But. BUT. I feel like if I don’t go then I’m just kind of failing, you know?

Letting little excuses keep me home when I know I could just as easily hang out at someone else’s place, enjoy some music, giggles and hugs from people I know. People who might even become friends rather than mere acquaintances if I’d just leave the door open a little wider.

Because I’ve done this already more times than I can count. I’ve painfully deliberated and often deliberately missed going somewhere I was invited, kicking myself for my cowardice while feeling grateful I didn’t have to try and remember how it goes, all of this small talk business.

All of that fitting in and feeling comfortable and knowing how to be witty and thinking of stuff to talk about when really, I kinda prefer less talk. Maybe it’s all the meditation, or the self-imposed solitude? Dunno, but I’m really not that same chatty girl I used to be, the one who’d find almost anything to talk about in almost any circumstances.

The way I see it though, not going = encouraging how things have been. And I think I’ve had enough of that already, don’t you? I need to bust outta my somewhat hermetically sealed environs and loosen up a little, yeah?

However this is a bit of an ask, especially in fucking December. So a red flag’s been raised. Danger, Ms Svasti, danger! I feel that slippery bastard-trickster part of my nature spinning it’s wheels, just looking for an opportunity to wreak a little havoc.

Most nights right up until Christmas are booked out. There’s a few free ones left but I’m being cagey about those. And I’m sort of in denial about the state of December because there’s a good chance that trickster-self of mine will engage in the arcane art of sabotage, giving me a perfect out on at least half the invites I’ve accepted already.

Just call it some kind of system overload freak out shut down mode. I need my alone time, it seems. Time to regenerate surrounded by a fifty meter zone of peace. No talking. No noise. Thank you very much.

Which is just… hey if I’m going to be like that, I might as well take my place as a wandering sadhu already, yeah? Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I’d like to think I can find my feet again in the world of social interactions before I take up permanent residency in the hermitage. One day I’m pretty sure that’s gonna happen but hopefully not until I’ve spotted my first grey hair at least. Right?

~Svasti

P.S. Don’t worry, I’m going! Might be getting there a little late but I am dragging my sorry ass over there. Fucking December!

Happy Diwali

Tags

Community, Diwali, Essence Nature, Festival, illumination, inner battles, kirtan, lights, mediation, Rama, Ramayana, rangoli, Ravana, Sita, Swami Satyananda

Image from Free Greeting Cards: http://is.gd/gLDVe

Heading out in a little while to a Diwali celebration at a friend’s place – someone I met through the various kirtan groups I’ve been hanging out with.

Diwali translates as “row of lights” and it’s a beautiful tradition. Basically, it’s about bringing people together and sharing food, activities and fun. Many lamps are lit to create a beautiful illumination over the five days of Diwali.

Diwali also ties into the Ramayana, as a celebration of Rama and Sita returning from Sri Lanka after Rama (and Hanuman) defeated the demon Ravana. So your basic triumph of “good” over “evil” or light over dark. I always like to consider these sorts of stories as inner work: we all have our demons, our inner hero and that part of us that needs to be protected. And when we accomplish a triumph or two over the “darkness”, or those things that would pull us down and away from our essence nature, there is a sense of illumination – hence all the lamps.

He who Himself sees all but whom no one beholds, who illumines the intellect, the sun, the moon and the stars and the whole universe but whom they cannot illumine, He indeed is Brahman, He is the inner Self. Celebrate the real Deepavali by living in Brahman, and enjoy the eternal bliss of the soul.

The sun does not shine there, nor do the moon and the stars, nor do lightnings shine and much less fire. All the lights of the world cannot be compared even to a ray of the inner light of the Self. Merge yourself in this light of lights and enjoy the supreme Deepavali.
~Swami Satyananda

And hey – this year has been full to overflowing with my own inner battles. In fact, life’s kind of been like that for the last five years! So I’m very much looking forward to this evening of honouring the light in myself and other people.

So what does a private Diwali celebration look like in Australia? Well, first of all, our hostess is originally from India, so it will be a hybrid Indian/Australian festival. We will make rangoli, get our kirtan and mediation on and later, eat together. I’m contributing some Indian desserts and organic wine, and a whole mass of tea lights.

And I hope that you take a moment to reflect and appreciate all that you’ve achieved this year. All the demons you’ve battled and defeated, and remember that all of us are none other than Essence Nature.

Even the “demons” we encounter – they are too, are just working through their own perceptions of this life.

Om Shanti!!

~Svasti

Because I’m a dot-dot-dot

Tags

backpacking, claustrophobia, Egypt, giant flat screen TV, kirtan, Luxor, pedicure, pyramids of Giza, salsa, Valley of the Kings, vodka martinis, wandering sadhu, wilds of nature, Yoga

Had a bit of a HUGE night out last night, most unexpectedly. Catching up with an old workmate (in town from Sydney) I haven’t seen in almost six years. There were vodka martinis involved, and towards the end of the night a very fun-loving woman I’d met only ten minutes earlier was trying to hook me up with some very inappropriate men. Men, quick, run the other way!! I don’t date anymore, doesn’t she know that? Haha!

It was a rather late night out, and combined with alcohol (which I rarely touch these days), today I am wiped. I was meant to be going out tonight but instead I’m mouching around my apartment, feeling a little fluey and just a touch avoid-y about writing the things I REALLY need to write about.

So instead, you get this. Which I borrowed from Rachel. Who in turn borrowed it from others. Because it’s fun and because otherwise I wouldn’t be writing anything here at all.

1. The most adventurous thing I’ve ever done is… I don’t know if this is the MOST adventurous thing, but it’s what I want to write about right now. Many years ago I visited Egypt with my then-boyfriend. I think I was 22 or 23. We had two weeks in this mad, wild and ancient place and I loved every minute of it. I hope I get to go back some day!
   I’m trying to remember if it was at the Pyramids of Giza or down in the Valley of the Kings in Luxor, but I found myself going into this (once) secret passage-way inside of some dusty old tomb. Thing is – getting into the secret passage-way required lying on one’s back and shimmying underneath a thick stone wall. The space inside was not terribly generous either. I did it without thinking and ever-after I’ve had this feeling of claustrophobia whenever I think of what I did.
2. If I were a pair of shoes I would be… as close to barefoot as possible, while still being relatively stylish (think painted toenails and a pedicure) and something you can take backpacking around the world. I dunno what kind of shoe that is, but yeah!
3. My preferred mode of digital communication is… well, it used to be email. But these days I find it easier to reply to tweets than emails. Oh uhhh, and then there’s this blog I have…
4. I feel happiest when… I’m singing (kirtan, so it’s a shame about tonight), dancing (at a live music gig, salsa or belly-dancing etc), and doing yoga. Also, whenever I’m in the wilds of nature. Oh. Yes.
5. A little dream I have for my life is to… ummm, I actually find this one a little challenging right now. It’s been a while since I allowed myself to have dreams for my life at all, and I’m still not real good with that. But here’s one: living somewhere in Asia, teaching yoga and perhaps being a freelance writer and published author. Living a very simple and joyous life, with not a single giant flat screen TV in sight. Yep, that’ll do.
6. The one modern convenience I could NOT do without is… Yup, the internet! A little while ago, I wrote this tweet: “Y’know, I really wouldn’t mind the life of a wandering sadhu. As long as I could keep my internets”.
7. Music, movies, TV or books: if I could only choose one to enjoy I would pick… music of all kinds. Beautiful vocals, instrumental stuff, tribal drumming music and everything in-between. Except for metal and country. Not really my thing!

~Svasti

Big Exciting News

Tags

accessible yoga, charity, gratitude, kirtan, mentor, volunteering, whirligig life, Yoga, yoga teaching

See this lovely, lovely building? It holds the secret to my Big Exciting News. Which is happening, it really is!

If you follow me on Twitter, you might’ve noticed me talking about this already. But until things got a little more certain, I didn’t want to write a post. Just in case.

So, at this otherwise rather uncertain time (no, I still don’t have a new job yet and will be out of income-providing work as of this Friday – and I’m trying my best not to panic about that!), my Big Exciting News is 100% certain. Can you believe it? I barely can, and oh wow, I think I can stop holding my breath now…

What I’m talking about is my very first ever yoga teaching gig! And even better, exactly the sort of teaching I want to do right now. Volunteer teaching that is, and for a very specific audience.

I don’t know who’ll be in my class yet, but they will be clients of social service organisations like Sacred Heart – my students could be homeless, or coping with mental illness or possibly even street workers. Not that it matters to me. All I care about is making yoga accessible for people who otherwise could not afford it.

Y’know, when I started thinking about how to make this idea work, I didn’t realise how much effort I’d have to put into giving my time away. But I guess that’s how it is when you’re creating something from scratch, right? It takes effort and energy to build something new!

The first step was easy – I just started talking to people about what I wanted to do with no idea how to make it happen. And it turns out that unbeknownst to me, the key was among my existing network of people.

I’m a part of a little community that gathers once a month for kirtan, and then some of us go out for dinner afterwards. We’re a diverse bunch of people, and when I started explaining what I wanted to do, one of the women at the table told me she was a social worker. She gave me a tip about a local charity she works with – one that provides recreational services to the disadvantaged. It sounded promising, and so I did a little Googling.

Which is how I found myself making email contact with them, then having a chat and a cup of chai with one of their really lovely reps. We hit it off and had a wonderful conversation! And I explained that what I wanted was this – access to a room I could use free of charge for yoga classes once a week, and the classes would be free for the people who attended. And preferably, a bunch of yoga mats to use.

She was very supportive and excited about my idea, but nothing happened for a few weeks while she put the word out in her network. To be honest, I think if we hadn’t clicked as well as we did, I don’t know if she would’ve tried as hard as she did to find a way for us to work together!

Several weeks ago I received an email with the subject was: “Exciting news!”

What she’d been able to negotiate was free space for 10 weeks at a local venue (see photo). It’s actually an art gallery in St Kilda, and the yoga room (used by other yoga teachers etc) is upstairs and out the back.

Last Saturday I picked up the key and had a look around. It’s a very short cycle from my place (15 minutes max.) and the building is GORGEOUS, isn’t it? Wheee!

The idea is that my charity contact will keep looking for a more permanent venue we can use, and for now this is sort of a test run – for them and for me.

And, ummm…  I’ve got a request for my yoga teacher peeps reading this! I figure I’m gonna need advice and perhaps a little mentoring. I’m not sure y’all remember what it was like when you first started teaching, but I’d sure appreciate some tips. So along with my network of yoga teacher friends in my physical community, I’m hoping I’ll be able to call on my blog network yoga teacher friends, too. If that’s okay with you folks? 😉

So. Stay tuned. There will be LOTS more on this topic. For now, I’m just thinking about the first few classes and what I want to do with the 10 week period overall. Remembering that many of my students could be BRAND NEW to yoga, and many could also have all kinds of physical/mental/emotional issues.

I feel a lot of gratitude for this opportunity. Even when I’m not sure of my own employment status, I can’t tell you how excited I am to be doing something for other people. Somehow, it’s about the only thing in my crazy whirligig life that’s making any sense right now.

The ways in which we are blessed, we never really know, right?

~Svasti

This is my yoga…

Tags

abandoned, Asana, Giving, headstands, heart openings, japa, kirtan, Mantra, Meditation, mortality, Puja, trees, Yagna, Yoga

La Gitane over at Yoga Gypsy just wrote a post on this exact topic, and I thought I’d turn it into a bit of a meme. Or a mala, as she put it!

But actually, going back to 2005, there’s also Linda’s post on Paz Yoga. Then more recently, This is My Real Yoga, and Show Up and Shut Up.

Not long ago I wrote Yoga is…?? but it was more of a comment on the fact that there’s still a whole bunch of people in the world who still have no idea what yoga is beyond some vague concept of physical movement (which is okay, really).

And now, here’s my version – THIS is my yoga – well, some of it anyway…

Love.

Kirtan.

Sharing.

Breathing.

Random headstands.

Pre-dawn meditation.

Laughing when babies laugh.

Befriending cats and dogs in the street.

Finding out the truth about who I really am.

Heart openings. As many as I can manage, every day.

Running my fingers over beautiful patterns in tree bark.

Coming to terms with the full capacity of being a human being.

Yoga asana in the studio, at home, in the park, at work, in the dark.

Getting really real with myself & seeing reality without the multitude of filters we embrace every day.

Understanding I’m not what I think I am, and being able to get glimpses here at there of what I really am instead.

Not pretending. There’s no point in being fake with myself or others. Genuinely acting from compassion, which doesn’t always mean what we think it might.

Really getting the pointlessness of grasping at things. It doesn’t mean I don’t want things (possessions, lovers, money etc) but it does mean I end up not wasting my energy because I don’t have them.

Had a conversation with a girl last week about how there’s a perception that people who are into yoga and spiritual work are all “love and light” all of the time. And how when I first stepped onto this path consciously (as opposed to always being on it but unaware) that I thought that’s what being spiritual was. Now I know that spirituality is gritty, sometimes dark and very, very real. No fantasies. No fluff.

Learning to put aside the never-ending monkey-mind thoughts, the ones that want to drag me down into fear, hate and anger. Or distract me with material things I don’t really have any interest in, or cause anxiety if I let them. Yes, seeing those thoughts for what they are and learning to walk on by without getting too involved.

Learning to exist in the world without feeling the need to manipulate myself or anyone else. That’s a big, hard lesson because one of the stories that’s been running most of my life is that of feeling abandoned. We all attempt to seduce, coerce, have our own way, influence etc. We all do it, even in very tiny ways. Babies learn the favourable responses of adults around them and how to repeat the behaviours that caused the response they want. We teach them our game, and they learn to play. But as adults, we need to learn to disengage from that aspect of our habits and culture, because it takes us away from who we really are.

Learning that giving to others is one of the best things we have to offer to other human beings. Whether it’s a hug, food, money, a conversation or whatever. Giving opens up the heart. It’s not about stroking your ego – instead it’s about realising you are no more or less important than anybody else. Everyone in fact, is equally important in this world. Keep giving, no matter what.

Really, REALLY realising that in the end, we’re all going to die. It’s one of the conditions of life, and part of what makes it so special. But also realising that I am not this body, that who I am is part of something much bigger than that…

Honouring all living things as part of the whole, including rocks, trees, the ocean and the wind.

Riding my push bike, wind streaming through my hair and singing joyfully and loudly.

Participating in puja to witness divinity in all living beings, myself included.

Helping other people in whatever way is appropriate and useful.

Discovering where I think my limitations are and aren’t.

Yagna ceremonies on full moon and new moon.

Dancing like a wild woman.

Cups of tea with friends.

Endless rounds of japa.

Midnight meditations.

Surrender.

Learning.

Stillness.

Mantra.

Joy.

Yeah… those are just some of the things that yoga means to me…

If you’d like to play along, please do so – and perhaps link to the other posts on the same topic to keep the mala threaded!

~Svasti

Kirtan by Ragani

Tags

Best of Both Worlds (Kirtan Cafe Vol. 1), kirtan, Music, Ragani, Yoga

I really love Twitter. I’ve found so many wonderful people, things and experiences as a result of spending time there.

Like this kirtan track, which is available as a free download: Ganapati Kirtan from Ragani

You can also download the entire album from CD Baby for US$10 – a total bargain!

And it’s beautiful music for your yoga practice. Or perhaps like me, you also enjoy listening (and singing along loudly) to kirtan while you cook. I always think it puts a nicer energy into the food when I do that…

Enjoy!

~Svasti

Another good reason to be a yogi…

Tags

AcroYoga, claustrophobia, coffin-like, kirtan, kumbhaka, lasers, Lighthouse Family, magnetic forces, MRI, nanna nap, panic attack, pesky shoulder, physio, Yoga Balance, yogi

All that breath control’s gotta be good for something other than kumbhaka, right? And yes, it is!

It’s fantastic for when you find yourself lying half-naked on a table and wearing one of those flimsy paper gowns, all squished up into a coffin-like machine to get an MRI of one’s left shoulder. Yes indeed folks – that was my Friday night last week!

All on account of that pesky shoulder injury of mine. Hopefully, it’s met its match now and won’t defy diagnosis much longer. I’m grateful for that. But I’m not grateful for the non-rebate-able $280 bill! Apparently I can’t even claim it on my health insurance (and for the US folk, here in Australia we do actually have affordable health insurance that’s usually pretty good at rebating medical services).

So. The MRI is one heck of a weird experience. One of the first questions they ask you before getting started is whether or not you suffer claustrophobia. And hey, even if you don’t, there’s a good chance you’ll dislike being inside an MRI machine while being strapped to the table/bed. It probably isn’t so bad if you’re getting the lower half of your body scanned. But when it’s your head or shoulders, you get ferried head-first into the roundish un-spacious innards of the machine.

And being a yogi helps because you’re instructed to breathe from the diaphragm (long and slow), to make sure the pictures don’t come out blurry. I can only imagine how tough it might be to manage this task if you’re finding the whole thing rather anxiety-inducing!

As for me – well, it’s not been too many months since my last panic attack, so I played it safe and mostly kept my eyes shut, focusing on breathing and repeating my mantra. I was given headphones to wear in a (failed) attempt to block out the really loud noises the machine makes – it sort of sounded like road works with lots of banging. More practically, the headphones allowed the technician to communicate with me while I was entombed (it definitely felt a little tomb-like when I did open my eyes for a few seconds). But I really could’ve done without the bland GOLD FM music streaming through them at the same time.

The interesting part about it was that I could feel the magnetic forces as the scans were in progress. All up I had about six scans and each one took around 6-8 minutes. The sensations were quite varied – everything from heat to prickly-ness, to feeling like lasers were radiating through me. The weirdest was feeling as though my body was being pushed around at a particle level and from the inside. Which was probably all of those big magnets in the MRI machine I guess…

Anyhow, I see my physio this Thursday. Fingers crossed I don’t need surgery. Though I guess if I do… argh! More $$ I don’t have but will have to find because while I can cope for a bit, I don’t really want my repertoire of asana to be limited on a permanent basis if I can help it. And it’d be nice if that pain thing could be taken care of, too. 😉

The rest of the weekend was much more fun! Kirtan and after-kirtan dinner on Saturday night followed by Yoga Balance (a form of AcroYoga) on Sunday…

I had no idea how much energy this kind of thing takes (prompting a late afternoon nanna nap)! I got to be both the base (person on the bottom) and the flier (person balancing on top of another person). No photos from my session though, but maybe next time. It was So Much Fun!!

Woke up yesterday still feeling sleepy and tired, so it was a very mellow start to the week. Perhaps that’s why I had a bit of a musical flashback to just over ten years ago, when I was working as the office manager of a chiropractic/natural health business in Sydney. We used to like playing beautiful and uplifting music and one of the chiropractors who worked there introduced us to the Lighthouse Family.

It’s not so much my musical taste now, but I did LOVE these guys back then. And listening to them yesterday made me feel really great. Enjoy!!

~Svasti