Who am I becoming?

Tags

being of service, healer, Healing, Health, leap of faith, life lessons, step-change

This year has been pretty massive in terms of facing up to myself and finally expelling trauma from my life.

It’s also been huge in terms of new pathways opening up to me. Options I never expected to have, suddenly being mine for the taking.

Options that involve a massive step-change and leap of faith (that everything will work out just fine).

In other words: things that are both exciting and scary. But also? Things that are aligned with my heart and soul, and what I want to be doing with my life.

Interestingly, even though those changes are still at least half a year away, having a commitment to heading in that direction seems to already be causing a ripple in my own personal space-time continuum. One that suggests YES, I am doing the right things.

I find myself… turning into someone who can help others. Not however, with some sort of do-gooder-this-is-good-for-my-soul agenda.

It’s kind of hard to describe.

In one instance recently, I found myself reaching out to a friend on the other side of the world. I didn’t know if she’d tell me to eff-off or not! Just that I wanted to share some ideas with her. It turns out that the timing was right and she was open to what I had to say. I don’t feel comfortable sharing her story, but suffice to say things have turned around significantly with her physical and mental health. These are her victories however, not mine. But somehow, I managed to set the ball in motion for her at the right time.

Then, just last night I found myself listening to a yoga student who’s also become a friend. After class, she explained the existential crisis she’s going through right now. Fortunately, many of my own experiences have been similar enough that I could offer the right kind of support.

Later, this friend then wrote an incredibly moving comment on Facebook about our conversation:

…you are so much more than my yoga teacher, you are helping me to find a level of peace and connectedness that I didn’t think was possible.

WOW, was she really talking about me? Her words brought tears to my eyes. I don’t know how I’ve done what she’s claiming and… it seems like a big claim!

That said, finding ways to connect with people is starting to feel a bit like teaching yoga.

By which I mean the best teachings seem to flow through me. As if I’m channelling a much wiser person. The words I say aren’t mine exactly. But somehow they’re what’s needed.

I daren’t lay claim to any of this stuff, however.

It feels like a lesson from my teacher:

Don’t be distracted or get excited when such things happen. Keep going and don’t allow your ego to get involved.

Yet none of this would be possible if I hadn’t lived through the things I’ve survived.

Last weekend I spent fifteen hours in a yoga intensive, and the following insight came to me Sunday afternoon:

Not that I wish injuries (physical/mental/emotional) on myself or anyone else BUT all of the best things I’ve learned in life were learned while healing from those injuries.

I wouldn’t take any of it back now. I wouldn’t want to unlearn the things I’ve learned in order to develop strength, balance, health and happiness.

I like LOVE those learnings.

And now? It seems as though my life lessons are becoming useful for other people in a tangible way.

I can’t tell you how thrilled I am about that, because it seems that the answer to “Who am I becoming?” is this:

I’m becoming a healer.

Whoah.

~ Svasti

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Forty pieces of silver – part 2

Tags

40th birthday, Learnings, life lessons, Wisdom

Stairs and flowers - the adornment of every day items is rife in Bali. And wonderful.

A little delayed, but finally here’s 21-40.

Perhaps a lot of this stuff is very obvious to you. But I’ve reason to believe that for others, that’s not the case. For me, anything I can offer that might benefit another person is a worthy task.

Even if you’re only reminded of your own learnings, then this list is useful.

But just maybe, there’s something new here for you. Or something that inspires your own inner reflections.

Blessings to everyone!

[Read 1 – 20 here]

21. Sensitivity is not a negative trait – instead, it’s helpful information to ensure you’re doing the best thing for yourself. Sure it has its pros and cons but overall, being sensitive to life will mean you’re being true to yourself.

22. Learn to dance. Even if you think you have two left feet. Dancing brings love, life and joy into your body. It also creates awareness between your physical self and your mind. Which is endlessly important.

23. We all need to learn surrender. To ourselves. Against our struggles. Because surrender is the pre-cursor to Grace.

24. Learn to sing. Even if you think you can’t. Sing from the heart with beautiful words. Personally, I love kirtan but whatever works for you. Signing opens your heart chakra and is healing for body, mind and soul. Also, the more your sing, the more you will be able to sing. True story.

25. Keep practicing. Recently I’ve been teaching my 4.5 year old niece how to do somersaults. Every time she does one she shows improvement. So she tells me that she’ll keep on practicing. This is how we learn to be skilled at anything, which is something we forget with age.

26. Examine and shake up your patterns. Often, our anxieties and fears are linked to the way we live our lives as opposed to who we are. Sometimes we forget there’s a difference.

27. Be generous with your time, money and possessions. Western culture is very “me/mine”. This sort of thinking intimates that if we give to others, we won’t have enough for ourselves. But Abundance actually comes from generosity. Because being generous keeps the flow of energy moving. At first this seems anti-intuitive but it’s one of the truest things I know.

28. Fear is not meant to stop you from taking action, even though stopping is generally the first response we have. But fear is just information, meant to help us figure out our next steps.

29. Take a completely solo travel trip at least once in your lifetime. If you dare. Initially it’s a very scary thing to do but it’ll change your world.

30. Explore your opposites. If you’re always a bit of a push-over, try being more hard-nosed. If you’re always angry, try greeting everyone with love and a smile. Without a doubt you’ll learn something about yourself.

31. If you sensibilities don’t match the culture you were born into, don’t worry. There are plenty of us who are in the same boat, because there isn’t just one style of living or way of life for everyone. Choosing differently from your family, friends or society does not make you less successful or valuable than anyone else. Translation: you don’t have to get married, have a mortgage, kids and two dogs in order to be “okay”.

32. You won’t always get what you need from other people. Even those who are “meant” to be there for us. It’s far better to develop your own capacity for self-nurturing and self-love. That way, you’ll never be without the things you need.

33. Friends will disappoint you. But usually, the disappointment comes from having expectations of their behaviour or actions in the first place. In other words – our own thoughts on what we think other people should do. How crazy is that when you break it down? Loving your friends/family without expectations means they can never disappoint you.

34. Bad things, terrible things happen to all kinds of people. Maybe even to you. They truly suck beyond belief. But honestly, none of it means anything about your personality, your self-worth, who you are OR who you can be.

35. There really are no coincidences in the world. Just a flow of the energy of life. If you’re working with that flow, lots of things start to look like coincidences.

36. If the life you’re living isn’t making you happy, work out what will. Then make plans to work towards that life. It’ll be worth it.

37. Both the mind and body need to be kept flexible. Do yoga asana for the body and meditation for the mind. Without both of these things, our world grows smaller and more uncomfortable with age. Without flexibility, change becomes difficult and negativity becomes predominant. Our happiness depends on the flexibility of both.

38. Self-sacrifice for others is not always anyone’s best interests, no matter how duty-bound you feel. Before we can help others, we really do need to help and support ourselves. This has to be a regular activity and not just a one-off.

39. Even if you don’t think you’re a writer, write your stories. Don’t worry about how it sounds. Just write it anyway. You don’t have to show anyone if you don’t want to (this is called journaling). But write it out. It’s the cheapest form of self-expression/therapy around.

40. Finally, what he said. Because he says it so well, and I completely agree:

As before, feel free to share any of your own wisdom below!

~ Svasti x

Where’s the fire?

Tags

auto-immune condition, blinkers, Fire, Hashimoto’s, inflammation, life lessons, moving mindfully, pitta, Slow down, twaaang

Melbourne winter sun...

Fire, you say?

The short answer is that it’s everywhere (inflammation, causing this auto-immune condition of mine) and nowhere (there’s really no need to rush, not even a little bit). Inner fire – too much pitta throwing everything out of whack. Mind fire – going way too fast there, lassie! External fire – stimulus, trying to be where I’m not.

The other answer is that until I learn my lesson, it seems my body won’t quit with the un-subtle hints. I’m trying to develop a sense of humour around the perversity of it all, but it’s tricky sometimes.

*Twaaang*

Monday night, trying to get to the only health food store that stocks my sanity in the form of the anxiety-killing amino acid, L-Tyrosine… *twaaang*. Yep. That’d be the sound of my right calf muscle tearing once again.

Perhaps because I wasn’t moving mindfully. Desperate to get to the store before it shut in the next five minutes, not paying attention. I’d barely started moving faster, but it was enough. Same as before – that split second decision to change my pace and WHAMMY! Right in the calf muscle.

I spent yesterday working from home, barely able to walk or even hop.

Over the weekend just gone I’d been relishing the progress of my calf tear. Things were going well. I was doing gentle yoga, but no balancing on one leg. No running. Not even any extended walking anywhere. I’ve been good to my leg physically, but my mind hadn’t stopped racing ahead.

Wanting to get things done in a hurry. Be better. Be strong again.

Do ya feel lucky, punk?

This morning I read Sarah Wilson’s latest post on the difference between people who consider themselves “lucky” versus “unlucky”. Seems that the more focused and obsessive we get sometimes, the more likely we are to self-combust. In other words take your dang blinkers off, lady!

Be where I’m at. Look around. Don’t be so anxious to get my anxiety-assisting supplement that I’m not paying attention to how fast I’m travelling.

Slow down, and there won’t be a price to pay. Slow down, and smell the roses. Slow down, and be cool with not being the fastest filly in the pack (not that we ever were).

Sometimes I forget my body is sick

When I’m not crippled with an almost empty tank of energy, I can feel okay-ish. Other than an inability to lose weight and maybe the giant dark circles under my eyes, the casual observer wouldn’t necessarily pick it up either. Unless they’re sensitive to energy.

I also forget that I’m getting older and that I’ve been through a LOT spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally (we write them separately, but they’re all really one and the same, no?).

I’m starting to put the pieces together. My body communicates back to me the things I’ve neglected or not noticed for some reason. It wants to play fetch and it never stops nudging me to throw the ball back. To keep the exchange going.

Listen to the bod!

Many years ago, my body took me on my first unbidden healing journey.

Then it painfully pointed out to me that I needed to get some help for PTSD. I was so dissociated that getting my attention required extra effort.

And now my body is showing me all the hidden inflammation I carry, caused by too much stress and adrenal exhaustion. The first hint was via my regular blood donation – seriously low iron levels? Could be so many things, but I was encouraged to see a doctor and from there, everything else unfolded.

So why does my body have to go to such lengths? Because I’m dropping the ball. Not listening closely enough and/or the connection between mind and body has been severed a little. Not completely, but enough.

Too sick to feel it

Someone once told me that for all the people out there thinking they’re in good health because there’s nothing perceptibly wrong with them, many are not. It’s just that their systems are too backed up for them to notice.

Being sensitive to your body is a good thing, you see.

I mean, imagine a blocked drainpipe in a sink. Add more crap to the stuff that’s already blocking the drain and do you think that makes a difference? Maybe the blockage isn’t noticed until there’s water over-flowing onto the floor. Oh, we say. The drain is blocked!

Yeah, it’s actually been like that for ages and we just never noticed. Until we do. If we’re lucky, that is.

Blessings and lessons

So I see now that I’m actually blessed, even when I feel like crap. Really. Because my illness was discovered early, before I could become irrevocably sick. I just need to stop thinking it should all be over NOW-NOW-NOW.

Instead, I have to pay attention to the lessons my body wants me to learn:

• Self-nurture, self-care and self-love are vital to health and happiness
• Anger, bitterness, regret etc… are all inflammatory for the body and mind
• I’m strongest when I listen to and trust my intuition
• Ploughing headlong into everything without looking around first is never wise, but it’s how I’ve lived most of my life
• I intuitively understand mind and body are not separate and I need to stop treating them that way!
• Moving too fast is what got us into this mess…

Doubtless, there are more. But I’m just gonna deal with what’s in front of me right now before I take my next (careful) step forward.

~ Svasti

Three times the lesson (to make it stick)

Tags

Depression, fox hole, Global Financial Crisis, life lessons, Meditation, PTSD, Service, three times, unemployment, Yoga, yoga teacher training

I’ve temporarily re-entered the world of joblessness and I’ve been waiting for the crash. So much so, that I’ve been hiding out in my fox hole (hat tip, Nadine!) while I wait.

Although I was doing all sorts of yoga and meditation things last Saturday (including, it seems, being all teacher-ish without meaning to – by which I mean people seeking me out to ask me questions – and BOY is that a weird realisation! *more on this in another post*), on Sunday I spent almost the entire day reading in bed. I don’t think it was depression – more, taking advantage of having nothing to do on a VERY wintery and cold day. I didn’t have to be at work the next day so I felt entitled…

Well, sort of. I mean, I think I was possibly just waiting for things to turn ugly, and assumed crash position just in case.

Didn’t do much on Monday except for some yoga, and yesterday did a bit of temp work. There might be more coming next week. Also, had a pre-interview with a recruiter for a job that would be PERFECT for me, as I would be for it. Still… it’s a waiting game with multiple players and no definites. I do feel quite positive however, as though I’ve got a very good shot!

While I’ve had some moments of panic and fear, right now I’m just not in that space. This time around it simply doesn’t feel the same. Or more accurately, I don’t feel the same.

Although I’m without an income and within weeks, will have very little in my bank account (until things turn around!), somehow I’m not immersed in soul-crushing anxiety, panic attacks or the temptation to let my old companion Depression back in. Not just yet anyway.

That’s not to say that the big D hasn’t tried already.

Fortunately for me, I have other people to think about – my yoga students to-be! For whatever reason, I find it easier to be motivated if I’m doing something for others than myself. I know, it’s self-neglect, lack of self-worth etc. Still, it’s kind of helpful for me right now.

Also, I’ve been thinking quite a bit about this whole lack of work thing. In the last three years, I’ve now had three episodes of unemployment.

The first was when I quit my job working for a large corporate – somehow my PTSD and my job had become deeply enmeshed. I’d just begun therapy and I also needed to go to Thailand to continue my yoga studies. But my boss was playing hardball about giving me (unpaid!) leave.

So with the confluence of healing and change in my life, it felt like the right thing to do, and I jumped. Which REALLY upset my parents, despite my being old enough to decide what I’m doing with my life (hello, I’m in my 30’s!). Also, only a few friends outside my yoga community understood my actions. But that decision lit the (very healing) fires of change BIG TIME. It was vitally important.

When I came back from Thailand, the economic situation had changed drastically and it was suddenly not that easy to find a job. It took me two months and in the end, I accepted the first job offered to me (never a wise decision unless you’re sure you want it!).

That job was particularly terrible because of the people who worked there and the lies told about the job during the interview. Also, I’d only been there a month or so when a suppressed memory re-emerged and brought my PTSD symptoms back with a fury. I was already looking for another job in March of last year when the Global Financial Crisis caused my employers to make my role redundant. Ba-boom!

There began four months of desperately looking for another job. Any job. But with the GFC, it was hard to find even the odd bit of temp or freelance work. Luckily, I had a decent enough stash of money – thanks to three years of tax returns filed just a day before I learned I no longer had a job. Until I lost my job, I’d intended to use that money to pay off my debts, but that was not to be! *sigh*

Throughout all of this, I was battling my PTSD (and winning, I might add!), coping with a very nasty case of depression (which I eventually freed myself from) AND doing yoga teacher training. How weird is my life?!

Around mid-last year, I finally got some work , and have had two contract roles since then. But the company I’ve been working for is undergoing a merger, with redundancies to be made and all sorts of confusion. There was no room for thinking about re-engaging contractors right now. Which is really a shame because I enjoyed working there very much, and they liked me too.

So – three episodes of unemployment in three years. What’s with that? Especially in conjunction with all the healing work I’ve been doing and my ever-growing love affair with all things yoga. I’ve a few ideas…

First up – I think its part of the path I’m on, whatever my life is changing into. Years ago I remember writing an email to my Guru. I was desperate to know how I could really be of service to other people, but had no idea what that would look like. And I think all of the hardships, the physical and mental health issues, the lack of money and everything else… well, it allows me to empathise with others in a very real way. And I’ve already begun to experience just how powerful that can be when trying to reach someone…

One of the things I learned the first time I was jobless was that who I am as a person has nothing to do with the sort of job I have, how much money I make, or whether I even have a job. Whether I’m a yoga teacher, an accountant, an artist, a hairdresser, a receptionist or a garbage collector – is completely irrelevant. My job doesn’t make me a better or worse person. It is simply unimportant to the essence of what it is to be a human being, and yet so many people rely on their job for self-identification.

I’ve never been particularly attached to owning physical things, nor have I ever been a very consumer-focused type of person. I don’t own a house, a car, much money, many nice things and I kinda like it like that.

And yet, not having anything at all is SCARY. I haven’t been homeless (yet) but I’ve been very near penniless a couple of times now. And being without money makes it very clear how much power we’ve afforded the dollar in our world. It’s become a tool for building on our ego and delusions, and everything that separates us from who we really are. That said, it doesn’t have to be that way and a damn good way to learn that lesson is to have little or no money. 😉

There are more lessons and realisations than this. Lots more, and I’ll write about them soon. For now, I’ll just say what I wrote in an email to Nadine:

Somehow I have the feeling that everything is going to work out. I have no idea how, but just know that it will. Which makes no sense and I might be eating my words in a couple of weeks, but who knows? I have to stay open and just be with how things are. That was my biggest lesson from the hash I made of being unemployed last year. 🙂

Lots of love to you all out there!

~Svasti xo