This was meant to be posted on Thursday night, but somehow it didn’t…sigh…
Okay, I think in my last post I said something about a surge of energy.
BUT, I’m beginning to suspect that there’s a whiff of mania in the air actually.
I don’t drink coffee, except for medicinal purposes. But right now I feel as though I’ve got a caffeine IV plugged into my body.
I’ll admit, I don’t know much about mania other than the term ‘manic depression’. I don’t think I suffer from that, but a good friend commented today that I seem to be speaking awfully fast at the moment. Everything is going by in a bit of a blur and I feel so good I’m a little scared.
Thinking back to my last therapy session on Tuesday of this week, that’s when I think this change started. It was a pretty interesting session, where I learned a couple of cool things – like, that it seems I judged myself as an over-reactor. I decided on some level that my response to being assaulted was too extreme. Too much. How very interesting. And liberating. We also briefly touched on the ‘why’ – as in, why I might have had a more intense reaction than perhaps was warranted. All stories for another post.
But I did notice that I started feeling a great deal better later that night, and now two days later I feel wired.
Of course, there’s a huge amount of change going on in my life at the moment too, so perhaps that’s a contributing factor? As in:
- I’m moving out of my flat because my landlords are being capitalist bastards and I can’t afford their bastardry
- In a month I’m going overseas for my yearly yoga retreat (I’m committed to a 7 year program of study in yoga and meditation)
- I’m putting all my stuff in storage and temporarily moving back home with my folks whilst I’m away and then for a short while after I get back
- My work has refused to give me the time off I need for my yoga study retreat – so tomorrow I’m QUITTING
Whilst all of these changes occurring in a short period of time could have left me in a quivering heap in the corner… instead I feel liberated.
Don’t get me wrong – I don’t really want to leave my job. But I’ve also decided that my yoga studies are way more important than my job. I have some money saved so I’ll be okay financially. And as a professional in the ‘internet industry’ (I hate that term), I won’t have any trouble getting a new job when I get back.
Resigning from my job has, I think, also contributed to this high energy state I find myself in. Why? Because I’m still paying off some debts, and I’ve always had this plan for managing that. And taking unpaid time off and in fact voluntarily being unemployed didn’t figure into that plan.
However I’m rather excited about this step, because I know its the right thing for me to do – for myself. Thankfully I have a great sister and some great friends and my therapist – who are all supporting me in this step.
Oh, and my good friend L and I did a reading of some funky cards she owns. I think they were called “Ascended Masters” cards or something like that! Anyway, so I pulled three cards and they were all related to change, new projects and basically throwing everything up in the air. I like little signs like that, things that give more affirmation that I’m not doing something insanely stupid.
Anyway, I’m not sure if the way I feel is just a result of liberating a bunch of energy that’s been trapped, or the beginning of a new phase of dealing with depression?
I think a check in with my therapist is probably a good idea!
Update (on Saturday)
So, I resigned. And it does seem that my mania was temporary and very much related to that act. It was much easier than I thought it was going to be… probably because I have a strong sense that I’m doing the right thing for myself (and just trusting the universe will be there to support me).
After a big sleep in this morning, I feel much calmer thank goodness!