ANZAC Day musings

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alcoholic, ANZAC Day, Battle of Gallipoli, DNA, hamster wheel of hell, Lest we forget, mental health, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Rats of Tobruk, remembrance, transgenerational transmission, Trauma, WWI

Today is ANZAC Day here in Australia – which stands for Australian and New Zealand Army Corps. Essentially it’s the remembrance day for those who fought in the Battle of Gallipoli in WWI. Generally speaking however, we honour all of our armed forces on this day – those that survived as well as those that passed.

All over the country, dawn services are held. There’s also one held in Gallipoli every year which is very popular with Aussie tourists, kind of like a pilgrimage of sorts.

In yesterday’s weekend paper, there was a piece about the remnants of an army unit known as the Rats of Tobruk – The Last Rats who fought in WWII. My maternal grandfather was one of their number but unlike the men featured in the story, he passed away thirteen years ago.

This is a photo of my grandfather, taken the year he died. I so wish I had a photo of him in his army uniform when he was young – he looked so handsome back then!

There’s things I know about my grandfather that made me do a double take on each of the former soldiers featured in the article.

Like, I know that he returned an alcoholic – not an uncommon side-effect of war. Somehow, despite his daily drinking he managed 85 years before he finally succumbed to liver cancer. I was living interstate at the time but my mother told me how confused and terrified he was on his deathbed – “…he was convinced the war was still going on and he was in the bunkers, hiding from snipers…”.

One moment he’d be lucid and talking to family members and the next he was re-living the war. I also know that he saw one of his best friends get blown up in combat, and there must be other atrocities he never mentioned but lived with for most of his life.

All of this tells me that my grandfather had PTSD – before there was a recognised diagnosis for it. Without any support for his condition, alcohol became the only way to anesthetise his ongoing trauma. Of course, he wasn’t the only one.

These days soldiers coming back from the war aren’t much better off. PTSD is generally recognised now, but sufferers are still not appropriately treated. Just read this case study, which talks about the soldier’s experiences, but says almost nothing about treatment.

As well as remembering my grandfather and everyone who’s ever gone to war on behalf of their country, today I remember that some of those survivors have lived with untreated PTSD for many long decades. It breaks my heart that some of the men interviewed in The Last Rats possibly still deal with PTSD even now.

On top of that, I’ve been considering my family history of trauma. There are theories and research on something called “transgenerational transmission” of PTSD, and here’s just a few examples:

• Transgenerational transmission of cortisol and PTSD risk
• DNA of PTSD
• PTSD, Family, And Genetics

It doesn’t seem so far-fetched to imagine that changes to the brain wrought by PTSD can impact a person’s DNA, creating an inherent risk of PTSD for that person’s progeny if they too, suffer a traumatic event.

As well as my grandfather, I suspect my mother experienced it, too. In addition to being powerless to stop the adoption of her first child from proceeding (against her wishes), she almost died giving birth. And she’s mentioned things from time to time about “…not being able to stop the memories from coming back over and over…”. It’s reasonable to assume that she too, could be a PTSD sufferer. Undiagnosed and untreated, just like my grandfather.

So if there’s any truth to the research on genetic pre-disposition, what hope did my mother or I have in the face of extremely traumatic events in our lives? It certainly helps me to understand why I had such an intense reaction to a single incident of being assaulted!

But fortunately for me, I grew up embracing alternative therapies and so it wasn’t too much of a leap for me to talk to a therapist or try EMDR, which meant that I got the help I needed and ultimately, I’ve been able to free myself from the hamster wheel of hell that is PTSD. Of course, the study and treatment of PTSD have also advanced significantly in recent times.

All of this makes me think that every ANZAC Day should be a time when we also consider how war affects people’s mental health. How many returned soldiers are still suffering in silence? If as a society, we could make it okay to talk openly about mental health issues without fear of stigmatisation, it would help. I know from my own experience that silence only makes things worse, even though at the time I thought it was a way of protecting myself.

Lest we forget those who died, and those who still live in a daily personal version of hell. Love and healing to you all.

~Svasti

Huzzah! Here’s to flow, change & working things out

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chai, Change, Depression, flow, hooray, huzzah, kirtan, mental health, physio, PTSD, Shadow Yoga, shoulder injury, Twitter, Yoga, yoga for depression, Yoga teacher

Here’s what’s going on right now: more whirring, more change and more opportunities continuing to unfold even as I don’t notice them until they are knocking on my door!

You see, I’ve worked out what was holding me back in the area of yoga teaching. Right now, I don’t want to do it for money! Well, not just yet anyway.

Let me explain – starting with today, even though of course today isn’t the first thing I’d tell you about if I was to write this story in chronological order.

Finally (and it only took me four months), I faxed (and emailed) all the documentation I needed to send in for my membership application to the Yoga Teachers Association of Australia. Hooray! Including payment of my membership fee, and by the time I got home I had an email confirming my membership number!

Double Hooray!! Which means I can now get my public liability/indemnity insurance. Which means I’m all systems go for teaching where ever and whenever.

Also, I went to see my new physio for the first time today. One I found out about via Twitter. After several sessions with my former physio I was getting frustrated when he kept insisting that my shoulder problems were actually just referred neck pain from my messed up neck. And while it’s true that I do have a messed up neck, my shoulder problems are quite specific from a bike accident I had last year (see this post: Crash). As a yogini, I’m probably more familiar with my body than many people and I wasn’t buying his diagnosis.

So I was complaining about that on Twitter, and I got a reply from some guy I’ve never met recommending another physio – someone who looks after all the circus people in Melbourne. Which sounded promising – since circus people and yogis both do relatively weird things with their body.

And yay! He was very competent and definitely thinks there’s something up with my shoulder as opposed to my neck (which has its own issues, but nothing unmanageable). After much prodding and poking, he has a working theory which will require an MRI scan to confirm or deny. And while it may require surgery – we don’t know yet and I’m not about to freak out. Whatever the deal is, I feel like I’m on my way to the correct treatment path and it will be SO GOOD to eventually have full use of my left shoulder back. Which is all good!

After the physio I met up with a new friend – a fellow yoga teacher that I met at Mark Whitwell’s workshop in February. We’ve been discussing the idea of approaching a national organisation here in Melbourne about running some free yoga and meditation classes for those with depression. We both have a history with depression ourselves, and want to give something back to the community. Also, he wanted to borrow a book and ended up borrowing two, and I scored some home-made and very nommy bliss balls!!

My physio appointment finished slightly earlier than I expected, so while I waited for my friend to pick me up, I briefly plonked myself down in a small cafe/wine bar, which didn’t seem to have a name. Bonus – during the week they have a very VERY cheap happy hour, so I downed a lovely glass of red, which set me back all of $2 (I’ll be back!). 😉

ALSO, I’ve just lined up a face to face meeting with another charitable organisation I’ve been in discussions with (via email thus far) about running some free yoga classes. I got the name of the organisation from someone in my kirtan group! This one works with “those who experience mental illness, disability, homelessness, substance abuse issues, addictions, and social and economic hardship”. I will be so happy if I can get some classes going!

There are plenty of yoga classes out there for those who can afford to go. There are even free classes at studios that offer them. But there’s a segment of the community that would probably never make it to a studio yoga class, whether it’s because of socio-economic and/or mental health issues.

And I’ve been in that place where the world seems exceptionally small and painful and feeling nourished and loved seems impossible. Except I was lucky. By the time I developed PTSD and depression, I’d had yoga in my life for many years, and it was instrumental in my recovery. However, there’s a lot of people out there who don’t have yoga, and might never try it. People who’d really, really benefit from it and not just because they want to learn to touch their toes or do a headstand.

I want to bring yoga to those people. And that’s my first order of business as a yoga teacher! Once I worked that out (it came to me in a meditation session on Monday), then suddenly everything started happening.

I’m sure I will eventually start doing some classes that I charge for. But not just yet!

Finally – tomorrow I start a new phase in my Shadow Yoga practice and it’s both exciting and the teensiest bit terrifying. After an awesome conversation on the weekend with the woman whose classes I’ve been attending, I think I might finally be ready to write more about my experiences with this intense and amazing practice.

And that’s my update for now. More to come soon, I just need to find some time (currently in short supply) to sit down and write my heart out for a bit…

~Svasti xo

Healing and Dealing with Depression

Tags

Depression, donations to Haiti, earthquake, Haiti, Healing, healing depression, mental health

Not quite sure how this happened, but a lady named Amy has put together her Top 30 Sites for People Dealing with Depression and included this blog on her list!

Which is cool… but like Trini Girl Blue (also on the list), I think there’s other blogs that could’ve been mentioned. Trini has made a good list, so I won’t mention those sites here again, although there’s many on her list that I’d also mention if she hadn’t.

Here’s a few more (some are specific posts, others are just the blog in general) in alphabetical order:

• Anthroyogini
• A Post-Cynical Seer
• BlissChick
• Can You See The Real Me?
• Giggle On!
• Insanity Personified
• Patient Anonymous
• Shattered Into One Piece
• The Girl Who Wears My Shoes
• This Mama’s Dharma
• Yogic Muse

And to quote Trini coz she already said it so well…

…there are many people that were missed and for that I am sorry, if anyone wants to be added to this list please feel free to drop me a line. This is just a drop in the bucket, it is not exhaustive.

We all struggle with ourselves and while some don’t update as much as they have in the past there are good resources on each of these blogs…

From my perspective I like hearing about how others deal with depression, even if they are still in the woods (so to speak).

It’s a topic that doesn’t get nearly enough airtime and isn’t well understood. Consequently a lot of people with depression put up with it and end up loathing themselves when really what they need is a hug and appropriate mental health care.

Depression warps your view of yourself and also makes it very difficult to dig your way out. It can make you feel like you’ll never be happy ever again. And it’s hard to find a reason to get out of bed when you feel like that!

But it is possible. Like many of the blogs mentioned in the top 30 list and on Trini’s blog and those I’ve mentioned, many people have found healing and have managed to bring some happiness and sunshine back into their life.

And that’s part of why I write these days – to show that it is possible to recover.

As human beings, we have the capacity to destroy ourselves/other people or thrive and find incredible happiness. All people have that same capacity – all of us.

Speaking of depression, human beings and happiness…

Haiti Earthquake Donations

Have you donated to one of the Haiti appeals yet? Even if you can only afford $5, it’s still better than not giving at all.

I donated to Wyclef Jean’s foundation Yele Haiti – mostly because he is Haitian himself and I trust that my donation is going directly to the appeal as he says.

50,000-100,000 people are dead. Many more are injured and traumatised, and/or have lost people they love.

The photos of the aftermath are devastating. Please help any way you can.

~Svasti