Review: Kerry Belvisio’s Self Alignment Kit – part II

Tags

alignment, Anxiety, calmness, career, chakra cards, FREAKING THE FRACK OUT, Kerry Belvisio, Kinesiology, Love, Money, Negativity, peace, self alignment, Self-Alignment Kit, space, speaking truth, survival

[Read part I first]

Part II of this review is where I tell you all about what I did Sunday night for my first time using the Self-Alignment Kit!

Personally right now I’ve been pretty stressed about my impending potential unemployment.

You know… right before Christmas (spendy and not a great time to be looking for work!). Right before my fully paid for holiday (yikes!). No partner or anyone else I might be able to lean on for support (physically, emotionally, financially etc etc).

Freaking scary, let me tell you! But also, I’ve been in this place before. For months, actually. And the thought of going through that again scares me silly.

So I thought I’d try to get some self-alignment happening around all of this. Because if I can get rid of some of the anxiety/negativity/blurry vision around my work situation, that has to be a good thing, right?

Working the process to get aligned

So I read the workbook first (as recommended), then printed off a worksheet. You use a new worksheet each time you want to get aligned with one of your goals.

The first thing the worksheet asks you to do is to work out your area of focus.

For me right now, that’s easy: Money. Career.

The next question is about how you feel about those things. Haha. I wrote: Scared. Upset. Freaked out. 😀

Then, there’s the process of figuring out your goal for this particular session. The workbook has lots of helpful hints and even some suggestions around common topics like love, career, family etc, that you can adapt for your own purposes.

My goal is around securing a stable and well-paying job in the immediate future.

Then comes the fun part. I had printed out but not yet cut up my chakra cards.

A sample of some of the dozens of chakra cards in the kit

So part of this first time around was cutting them into their little coloured squares and messing up the order, shuffling them with intent and so on.

I did an extremely thorough job of said shuffling, then spread them out on my desk to choose one.

With my eyes closed.

Hands over the cards, feeling for a hotspot.

And which card do you think came up?

Yep…

At which I rolled my eyes, because DUH!

This whole thyroid/Hashimoto’s deal is about EXACTLY THIS.

Kerry wisely counsels: Assume that the first card you choose is the RIGHT card. Otherwise you might miss something important.

Smart cookie, that Kerry.

Because otherwise I might’ve done just that, thinking that “speaking truth” was just too obvious for me. And also too “big” for this career/money goal I was focusing on.

So I decided to trust the process, and was pleasantly surprised by what came up. I kept working through the questions on the worksheet and here’s what I figured out…

Speaking the truth about my current line of work is somewhat precarious. Obviously I don’t want to tell a potential employer that I’m only in it for the money until I get to the point where I can quit (for my excellently awesome future life plans).

BUT. Then I asked myself…

– Am I being truthful about what I will and won’t accept in this interim (meaning, “for now”) work I’m doing?

– Am I setting expectations with potential employers that honour and support my needs, while still doing the best job I can?

– Am I just copping out with how I’m viewing this interim work and therefore creating a rod for my own back? (i.e. “suffering” through things I don’t want to do, making life less enjoyable)

– Could I really be making more of this time, and with this interim work?

Hmmmm. Then I figured out the following truths:

• I know, of course, that the work I’m doing right now is not how I ultimately want to be earning money.
• But I’ve been treating it all as very much just a means to an end.
• I’ve allowed myself to take jobs that pay well, but haven’t necessarily allowed me to feel fulfilled or satisfied at all.
• But it doesn’t have to be that way. Even though I don’t really want to be doing this kind of work forever, I CAN find employment that allows me some job satisfaction.
• Doing this work is certainly a means to an end, but it doesn’t have to be just about financial survival.
• Oh wow… look at that.
  Here I am using the word “survival”, which has been the mode I’ve functioned in for the last 5 or 6 years.
  I-n-t-e-r-e-s-t-i-n-g…

So at the end of the process (which can be as short or long as you like!), I found myself writing the following:

• I don’t have to take just any job.
• The job I am offered will meet my physical, financial AND spiritual needs (somehow!)
• I can find people and lessons in this work I don’t want to be doing forever – these people or learnings will be of benefit to me in the future, even if I don’t know it now.

Which left me feeling… a little less panicked and overwhelmed.

Which created a little more space and calmness – as opposed to the FREAKING THE FRACK OUT that I had been doing.

A day later, I’m still feeling positive and calm.

I have an interview lined up for tomorrow at lunchtime, and I feel confident that I’m coming from the right place in assessing whether or not it will be the right job for me.

All in all I’m in a much happier place than I was last week, even though I’m closer than ever to potential unemployment.

Like the Self-Alignment Kit? Use this discount code!

Kerry has kindly offered readers of this blog a 15% discount.

Hooray for discounts!

So instead of AUD $59, you’ll pay AUD $50.15 – which is excellent value for something you can re-use time and time again.

Just enter this code when you order: imwithsvasti

Thanks, Kerry!

Timing is everything, and this little gift of the Self-Alignment Kit has been very timely indeed. I can’t tell you how much I value your support and love.

~~~~~~

Wishing you all peace, love and alignment, peeps.

~ Svasti xxx

5 minutes to appreciate a little action #reverb10

Tags

#reverb10, 2010, appreciation, Booyah, budgeting, debts, deconstruction, Depression, five minutes, ghetto skillz, gratitude, gypsy trappings, Money, moolah, paint stripper on steroids, roses and rainbows

Another compilation and I’m almost caught up on the daily prompts. Much of this feels like I’m hashing over subjects I’ve already covered in recent times, albeit from another angle perhaps? Never mind… 🙂

5 minutes. Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.
~ December 15 prompt

1. Hanging out with my little nieces – they’re about to turn 2 and 4 respectively and are just little firecracker personalities, each in their own way. Drawing or playing sandpit with them is one of my greatest pleasures. There’s an innocence and great joy that comes from spending time with them, and they are very much in my heart.
2. Teaching my first yoga class – nuff said!
3. Regaining a sense of balance and finally kicking depression in the ass – things started coming good for me towards the end of last year. While 2010 hasn’t exactly been all roses and rainbows, I’m pleased to say I haven’t slithered back into that circuitous nightmare zone. Booyah!
4. I’d want very much to remember that in 2011 I’ll be a third-time auntie. Before my sister and her family went overseas this year, I got one of my “messages” tipping me off about the email my sister would be sending me with the news. I’m pretty certain it’s a boy but I won’t know if I’m right for another couple of months. He’s due in June. 🙂
5. Working out my plan for the next couple of years.
6. The accompanying sense of clarity I gained as a result (see below).

::

Appreciate. What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?
~ December 14 prompt

Honestly – and this might sound odd – but I’ve come to appreciate everything I’ve learned about myself in the last five years. All of that stripped to the bone honesty and removal of delusion (like paint stripper on steroids) has been worth it. Not that I’m recommending that kind of descent into mental health degradation to anyone, understand.

But what if it wasn’t possible for me – with my pig-headed vibrancy and self-assured belief in several cultural fairy tales – to have learned my lessons any other way? Perhaps that’s not true, but then again… You could say I’ve come to terms with it all and I now understand why it was so hard for me to cope with what happened.

I was speaking to one of my yogini sisters last night – she was at the retreat I was meant to attend. As I’ve mentioned before, even when I’m not actually on the retreat myself I still reap the benefits. This time was no different, and it was interesting to corroborate my October/November experience of deep introspection and clarity with what actually happened for my fellow yogis.

Clarity – it’s what I’ve gained and appreciate the most. Understanding what truly matters to me and what doesn’t. Letting go of struggling so hard for things that just aren’t a natural way of living for me. Deeply getting in touch with who I am and what I want for my life, even if it doesn’t look anything like anyone else’s idea of a good time.

I mean, last week I was at one of those (Fucking December) Christmas engagement things. A whole bunch of people I used to work with back in 2008 (my last REALLY corporate job) were there. It was kind of like old-home week and actually great to see them all. I felt happy. Jubilant even, and absolutely no regrets over the purposeful deconstruction of my cushy little life of self-deception.

Over small-talk with a couple of ex-work mates, I explained my upcoming grand plan and here was one of the responses: Sounds great. I couldn’t do it myself, but if it makes you happy… I mean I don’t want to sound like a dick or anything, but I’m good with my life just the way it is (working 9-5 and paying off a mortgage).

Thing is, it DOES make me happy (and you don’t sound like a dick). At another point in my life, hearing those words might’ve made me feel less-than, and judged, which would’ve also made me feel like shit. But surrounded by people whose main focus is renovating their bathrooms, for the first time in ages I didn’t feel like some kind of fool for not having or wanting all the things they’re after. It ain’t my path, people!

I am clear – I want the simple life. And I’ll express my gratitude for this knowledge by doggedly pursuing my goals of getting out of the financial hole I’m in and picking up my gypsy trappings once again. And this time hopefully, I’ll be setting out for a life that encompasses my hippie/gypsy-self instead of denying her under buttoned-down corporate wear…

::

Action. When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?
~ December 13 prompt

This hippie/gypsy/yogini girl here? She gotta acquire herself some serious skillz! Gotta get my sensible on, if you know what I’m saying.

A little more with the full disclosure: I’ve never been very good with the moolah. You could even call me financially irresponsible, if you like.

I can’t recall a single lesson on budgeting or money management at high school or from my parents. Regardless, my sister inherited their financial savvy and I did not. But whatever, right? I’ve picked up what I know about saving and budgeting on the streets. I’m all ghetto when it comes to my financial prowess!

That said, with my ghetto skillz I’ve extricated myself from under a mountain of debt in the last few years. But there’s more to go. I’m sure in 2011 I’ll be sharing with you some of how that mountain came about. Most of it wasn’t exciting, just stupidity and/or bad luck. Quite a bit of the latter, too!

I’ll be getting incredibly up close and personal with my spending habits, working out how to save money and maybe even make a little extra on the side. The goal: being debt-free by the end of 2011, baby!

I’m on it, okay?

~Svasti

Sunday night dose of reality

Tags

buffer, catalysing, Depression, dream-like consciousness, get out of Dodge, Guru, karmas, Money, obligations, past life karmas, PTSD, Reality, Society of Beggars, The Matrix, thousand shredded pieces, uphill shit-fight, Waking up, Yoga

Try not to be alarmed by the failure to see a clear picture...

Ahhh, more turns of the wheel are completed! Hear them? Clink-clack-clink-clack as the cycle repeats and once again, wherein patterns I thought I’d shed reappear and remind me it’s not over yet… not yet, don’t drop that mallet and chisel until every line is smooth and true.

<existential rant>

I tried a little more honesty with my sister today as she prepared her family to leave the country for a month, only weeks ahead of when I myself, was meant to be going away. My parents are already out of the country themselves.

This, at a time where my life… well, it’s still in a thousand shredded pieces around my feet. My sister’s only words were to “think positively”, which caused me to laugh derisively. What do you think I’ve been doing all these years? Thinking positively doesn’t always work…

There’s this thing you’re meant to do see, when people are leaving on a trip. Be happy and excited for them – and I am. But, my entire family is not in the country at a time when hey, if they were gonna be supportive in any way, right now would be really great. I still have that fantasy to some degree, that one day they will actually be there for me when I need them the most.

And so I couldn’t be all just hey, how wonderful it is that you’re going away! Which wasn’t fun for either of us, but at least it was honest.

Am I feeling sorry for myself? Desperate? Incredibly unsure as I once again face a gaping void of complete and utter un-surety? Perhaps, yeah. But I think there’s more to it than that.

The honesty I tried to share with my sister is really about coming to terms with what I’ve done with my time here since returning to my home town. It’s true, none of it has really worked out the way I wanted, expected or imagined. But then, does anything, ever?

Actually, all of this reminds me of something a good friend of mine told me once: when he got his very first motorbike as a teenager, he took it to pieces in order to learn how to put it back together. That resonates with my experience of life… it had to come apart in every possible way because of my intense curiosity about how we ‘work’ as human beings.

It’s been like that since I was very young, and has only intensified over the years, especially once I met my Guru (and y’know, those kind of teachers are renowned for catalysing your karmas!). Having a Guru is not for the faint of heart!

So it’s all stuff I’ve asked for, sort of. Well, what I asked for and very specifically took vows to do, was a commitment to waking up from the dream-like consciousness that we humans generally function in. That’s how we manage to get by in this funny old existence… while we yearn for unity with everything around us and at the same time, mostly feel completely separate and isolated. But there’s another game we can play, if we’re willing!

Being a yogi and also, being a yoga teacher… does NOT mean that I’m automatically an angelic and together person. I’m not better than anyone else. I haven’t dealt with all of my stuff (and if you think you have, you’re probably lying to yourself!). In fact, the very work of being a yogi involves getting uncomfortably intimate with the truth.

A sister yogi and I were recently discussing life lessons, and she suggested that perhaps they present themselves in an appropriate way for our personality display. Like… for the fiery types that she and I both are, we can not be reached with lessons unless they too, are fiery. To really learn and grow, we need to be jolted and shocked out of our complacency in a way that makes sense to us.

Most people don’t want any part of such lessons and so they buffer and buffer… reality has to knock really loudly to be heard. Most of the time, the call goes unanswered, because it is truly painful to even begin the process of really waking up.

Think of everything that happens in The Matrix when humans are plucked out of the CPU of human minds created by the machines – there’s nothing particularly comfortable about it (that movie in fact, is quite accurate in explaining some of the enlightenment process, to a point anyway), and one of the characters (Cypher) even wants to “forget” the truths he learned:

You know, I know this steak doesn’t exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth, the Matrix is telling my brain that it is juicy and delicious. After nine years, you know what I realize? Ignorance is bliss.
~Cypher, The Matrix

And so… I ask myself if it’s possible that I could’ve learned what I needed to learn about anger, sadness, desire, grace, compassion, love, trust, listening to my intuition and a whole bunch more… another way? Maybe. But then again, maybe not. And if that’s the case, it’s impossible to feel unhappy about it. And yet… here I am, still facing so much uncertainty. Still feeling like it’s a complete uphill shit-fight to develop a more stable structure for my life.

Or, maybe I’m just not meant to have that kind of stability and this fight isn’t going to get me anywhere?

It’s hard to say without further guidance. And the annoying thing about my intuitive gift is that it doesn’t work on command, and it also doesn’t give me the big picture very often.

So here I am, still feeling like I’m “stuck” in Melbourne. In almost six years, I’ve managed to recover from PTSD without medication, I mostly have a handle on my depression tendencies and I’ve gained yoga teacher qualifications. None of this is what I came back here for…

The reason I did come back is because it seemed like the right thing to do. Because I was fulfilling a long-held pact between my sister and I… and if you buy into past life karmas in anyway, then I’ll add this: the pact was not just of this life-time. Anyway, that’s arbitrary for those who are dismissive of such things.

Since my return, I’ve put my family’s needs and demands before my own, and generally that has not been returned in kind. Especially when I was doing everything in my power to cultivate an air of normalcy over my completely abnormal state of mind. Apparently I did a really good job of that.

Because when asked point blank – What did you think when you saw me shaking and bruised and distraught and unable to sleep? Why didn’t anybody consider that perhaps getting assaulted wasn’t something you could get over in a single week or even a month? Why didn’t anyone in my family ring me? Call to see if I was okay? Check if I was eating? Encourage me to get help? – the answer was that they didn’t see.

This is despite both my mother and my sister accompanying me to court on two separate occasions and witnessing how I could barely speak about what happened. How my entire body shook in fear. They wondered why I didn’t invite anyone over to my place, but didn’t bother to find out why. They noticed that my behaviour changed, but didn’t question it except to think that something was “wrong” with me. Something that was my own problem, and nothing they could help me with. They didn’t even try. I don’t blame them as such, because I get that they have so much going on in their own lives that they simply couldn’t see. Or didn’t want to.

However, I now feel like I’ve fulfilled whatever obligations I had to my family in returning home. I have a very strong urge to get out of Dodge, and yet I don’t know where I’m meant to be instead. Also, I have a bit of an issue with money in that I don’t seem to be able to get a job… and a job = money = the ability to do whatever I need to do…

So yes, I am frustrated. And I wish it was me heading overseas. And I feel very humble at the same time, which is perhaps a contradiction. But it’s true.

I feel the need to spread my wings but it seems I’ve forgotten how to fly…

</existential rant>

Now returning you to your regular viewing…

~Svasti

P.S. What I really wanted to do was to find y’all a copy of one of my new favourite songs online. BUT the band is so new that they’ve only got one or two songs on You Tube so far, and not the one I wanted to share. The band is an Aussie one, called Society of Beggars. You can check ’em out on MySpace!

**UPDATE** I got an email from someone in the Society of Beggars camp via Facebook, and they sent me this link where you can download the entire album! 😉

P.P.S. This is another one of those posts where I seriously had to think hard about whether I should publish it at all. But heck, this kind of honesty is what my blog was founded on… And y’know, real life isn’t neat and tidy with story lines that always wrap with “happily ever after”.

Once upon a time…

Tags

Car sale, Drums, Friends, Friendship, Meeting, Money, Relationship, Sex

This is also not “that” post… (but this one is!) 😉

We met at a nightclub.

I was out with K (my heroine) and her friend. You could say it was a fairly wild evening. Full of costumes, dress ups and people expressing their sexuality as they saw fit. The theme for the night was ‘fur’.

He was there playing bongos as part of the entertainment. I was drawn ofcourse, to the percussion as I always am. The heartbeat of a dancer, it pulls at my hips and my pulse. He was wild, muscular and tattooed. The drums could only just be heard above the rest of the music being played. He moved his drums and asked me to follow – up on the balcony where it was easier to hear the rhythms and there was more room to dance with abandon.

We connected that night, Andre and I.

Oh god – how much to tell? I am trying to be honest, but I’m also trying to stick to the point… so let’s just say there’s more to describe but not here. Not now.

After 12 years living in Sydney, I hadn’t been back home in Melbourne for very long. Not quite eight months in fact. I was starved of friendship and good company. Especially the company of people with a spiritual nature. I worked with plenty of people who… are either married or in long term relationships with established circles of friends. But none that I felt a great deal of resonance with. Great people, just not my people.

I’m also not the sort of person who makes friends quickly. Unless ofcourse, I do. There are some people I can make instant friends with, but otherwise it takes me a long time. The ‘instant’ friends are few in number but when it happens, its friggin’ awesome.

So we hit it off, and were seeing each other almost from the start. The sex was amazing. I’ve always been spoiled in that respect – having incredible sex in my various relationships/flings. In fact, its one of my biggest downfalls – I stay involved with someone longer than I should because the sex is great! Eventually I wake up, and get out… but not as quickly as I could do.

Andre would come over and play me music and I’d cook. He is Afro-American and a brilliant jazz and blues musician. He plays a gazillion instruments, writes poetry, paints and does kung fu. We’d go out dancing, or hang at a local pub and chat about life, the universe, everything! Also, he wasn’t freaked out by pictures of gurus and Indian gods and goddesses in my home. So in many ways, he was my sort of person.

Despite all the great things about him, I started to notice that when he left my place, I felt drained. It seemed to take a lot out of me to have him over. Also, he was really mysterious and didn’t share a lot of details about himself. He spoke in riddles a lot and whilst the more creative part of my nature didn’t have a problem with this… I’d gathered enough information to know that he and I weren’t going to be long term.

Towards the end of our time together, he’d convinced me to sell my old car to his ex-girlfriend (and mother of his kids) where he was acting as the go-between for us both. However, there was some drama around the deal, in which I had to assert my need to be paid in full at the time of the sale. Andre did some shouting at this point, but it wasn’t anything terribly odd.

Later on ofcourse, I found out the significance of that situation.

Anyway, his ex and I spoke on the phone, and worked things out. There was also a further misunderstanding around whether the car was being sold registered or not. I had said unregistered, but this didn’t translate via the middleman somehow. So she agreed to pay me another $200 or so, and I agreed this amount could wait another couple of weeks.

I should state that it was around the time of the ‘car drama’ that my intimate relationship with Andre was over. In part, this was due to the situation, but also, I think it was clear that other things weren’t in synch for us. We didn’t speak for a couple of weeks.

Andre’s ex was meant to meet me to hand over the last of the money she owed me. With her kids and work, she was finding it tough to make a time with me. So she asked me if it was okay for Andre to bring it over to my place.

I said yes.

~Svasti