Taking a leaf out of Dr Jay’s book here with the quoting…
I’ve been contemplating suicide, but it really doesn’t suit my style,
so I think I’ll just act bored instead who can take the blood I would’ve shed?
She makes me feel so ugly my heart is really on it’s knees
but I keep a poker face so well that even mother couldn’t tell
– Nick Cave, Shivers
I’ve had enough. Of everything.
You know, I’ve worked hard to make the best of what I’ve been given in this life. It hasn’t been much love and light and happiness. I’ve tried hard to follow the path in front of me. But every time I think I’m doing that, the rug gets ripped out from under me.
As I’ve mentioned before, it seems I’m a game of catch between Lady Luck and Murphy. Something half-way decent happens in my life and then it sucks all over again.
Right now I’m about to puke I’m so unsure of myself. Am I cursed? Should I be paranoid that someone/something is out to wreck my life? What the?!!
Jobs are around, they’re everywhere. But I can’t get one. Not even a waitressing job and believe me, I’m trying. I’m getting plenty of interviews. All the recruiting agencies I talk to are impressed with me, my skills and experience. I get to second interviews and then nothing – so close and yet so far… For six whole weeks its been like this. Jobs are all around me, just out of reach.
When I left my job, all the signs were there I was doing the right thing. If you’re wondering what I mean about that, its all about how easy it is. How smoothly everything goes. It feels right at a gut level.
But I can’t shake the idea that I just don’t belong here, on this plane of existence. Its something I’ve always lived with. And at times like this, that feeling becomes much more intense.
Today I was excited, going for an interview for some freelance work. Sure, all went well and they were talking about how they’d like to get me in – but they need to wait until they get their next big piece of work to justify paying me, even though they’re trying to cover off replacing a full time role. I do understand ofcourse, but what a tease! That could be… well, not for ages! And who knows if they were just blowing smoke anyway?
So I’ve pretty much had it. I’ve talked to umpteen recruitment people. They all want me to come in and talk to them about ‘possible upcoming roles’ but they never seem to materialise.
After the interview, which should have been good, but left me feeling despondent, I wandered the city. I should have been enjoying the random lovely Spring day we were having but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to go home to my parents’ place either. I felt and feel utterly defeated.
Bawling as I walked from the bus stop, I invoked the universe. I said – I’ve had enough of all this suffering. I know I’m partly in control, but I don’t know the way out. I need your help, because I’m sick of this fucked up life I’ve led. Things are just getting worse and worse. So either help me get a job – any job – so I can try and make some changes – or just take me out. Kill me. Tonight. I’ve had enough and I want out of this shitheap of a life.
That’s how I’m feeling right now… if I was hit by a bus or died suddenly at the moment I would welcome it.
Don’t worry – I’m not about to do anything rash, but I’m haunted by these thoughts anyway. Its not very comfortable to be me at the moment.
I’m stuck in the maze of karma and nothing makes sense.