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Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness

~ Recovery from PTSD & depression + yoga, silliness & poetry…

Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness

Tag Archives: Nieces

Weekend vignettes

11 Monday Jul 2011

Posted by Svasti in Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Acceptance, Antarctica, dumplings, jungle gym, Kinesiology, Nieces, peace and yum cha, picks the lock, San Francisco fog, Sunday lunch, Surrender, thyroid, ultrasound

winter blossoms

More yoga, of course. Waking early enough to be there, which is actually very good for my mind. Full class, gentle but firm postures that awaken the lightness of my body. Refreshed and properly awakened, walking to the tram. Sunny but snow-tingling icy-ness with no gloves, oops.

~

A quick shower and change, a short cycle to my main drag for a less enticing experience. Why are radiologists in charge of doing ultrasounds these squat unwashed-looking men with legitimate reasons to look at my naked breasts? Squelching on that gel like its sunscreen, asking intimate questions I don’t really feel like answering. You’re not my doctor; you’re just the guy taking the pictures. No, I don’t know what’s going on exactly. My doc, she was just being thorough I suspect. Here, wipe yourself off with the gown. Cold, slimy invisible gel. Does he enjoy it, I wonder?

~

Nakedness without intimacy creates a need for comfort. Dumplings! A special treat, okay? And it didn’t cause my gut any problems, not really. With tea in a large dark brown earthenware mug (I have one of these at home). Warmth. Space to breath in a recently renovated place of peace and yum cha. Before a different kind of encounter.

~

Kerry put me onto Amanda, because she’s successfully used kinesiology to heal her own thyroid issues and those of other women, too. Another person to explain my complicated history to, because it’s still relevant. Why? Because a thyroid condition doesn’t just occur. It has a history, too: my history of abuse, sorrow, pain and fear. It’s not over, because it’s still locked in my body. But with love and determined fierceness I’m gonna heal this body one way or another.

~

Some of the same old stuff, but new things, too. What happened when I was six years old? No, I don’t know. Childhood memories are scant at best. But I cry anyway, my heart rate increases and we try to work it out but I don’t know. It’s okay, she says, and we find other ways to figure it out in pieces. I still don’t know, but she works out enough to get started. It leaves me undone. Who goes to these places? Who picks the lock on these rusted doors? No one, that’s who. Not for ages. I don’t even know the way there and back anymore. Looks like we’re going to find out though. It’s important to this process that we do.

~

(I was right about the depression, btw. But I’m coming back out of it now. It rolled in like a San Francisco fog and back out, then in periodically because I hadn’t expressed the things that needed to be said, so I could understand just how ridiculous they were. This is the power of writing. Not to be scared by what we write, but to provide that escape hatch for things grown foul and fetid.)

~

Don’t bother seeing this movie. It’s stupid, pretentious and full of wankery.

~

Winds howling their way from Antarctica to my bedroom window. There’s still never enough sleep no matter how much I get. Snuggling with the cat and a text from my sister announces my parents will be coming over for lunch today, too. A slightly hi-jacked Sunday, then (thanks to my eldest niece who can’t keep anything to herself!). I’m still undone from yesterday’s kinesiology session. A bit panicked, a little freaked out but I drag myself from under the blankets anyway.

~

Sunday paper reading while the train rattles southwards. Keeping my head down and heart in my chest where it belongs, and not jumping out of my mouth where it’d like to be. Relaxing, relaxing. There’s about forty minutes to find some acceptance and surrender. And I do.

~

Small feet running and girlish voices calling my name. Hugs and kisses and I’m a jungle gym, presented with an upside down two year old begging to be twisted and turned and somersaulted up and down the length of my body. A four year old seeing if she has the strength to give me a shoulder ride but of course, only managing to stick her head between my legs while her sister demands more “upside-downs”.

~

The two eldest niece-lings have a (natural) obsession with my breasts and I make sure they know I’m okay with that through my actions (no flinching away from their touch). There’s giggles of enjoyment as they look down my jumper or hug me or rest their hands on my ample chest. I get the two year old to look down her own top and she gives us another of her stunning one-liners: Little bit, she says. Outbreaks of hearty laughter all-round.

~

You look better every time we see you, they say. That doesn’t mean anything, I want to counter. Instead I settle for: Perhaps, but there’s still a long way to go. I’m not better yet, not by a long shot but I understand that you want me to be. I understand that… oh, never mind.

~

She’s five weeks old and every day it seems she gets cuter. Like a polished gem stone, glinting her placid perfection at us. Later, her eyes open and they’re so wide. Hello world, hello people in my life. She’s eager and beautiful and there’s so much enjoyment in simply holding her while she sleeps, and talking to her when she opens those gorgeous grey-brown eyes that are destined to end up chocolate coloured, like her sisters and daddy.

~

It’s hard to leave but I know I’ve over-stayed because I’m already weary. The wind is even more biting as the sun vanishes, but my train is mercifully quick. And quiet. Except for the people I had to move away from, discussing the merits of animal testing, because if we don’t test on animals then who are we going to test products on, they ask each other. Humans? Yes! I wanted to say. But instead I move to the other end of the carriage. Words with Friends and a little more newspaper reading until it’s my stop.

~

There hasn’t been enough time for any cooking or shopping or being prepared for Monday and I’m falling asleep while I wait for the washing machine to finish. Clothes hanging, heater on against the bone-crunching chill and cat fed. Bedtime but once again, it’s never enough.

~ Svasti

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New beginnings

09 Thursday Jun 2011

Posted by Svasti in Learnings, Life

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Auntie, changes, Love, Munchkinland, new beginnings, Nieces, Oz

My new baby niece 🙂

I’m a proud and loving Auntie. I adore my nieces and their ability to inspire my love for them by the mere fact of being alive.

And this one, like the two before her… I’ve loved her since before today (when she came into this world). Then she arrives, looking all adorable and agreeable and that pre-fabricated love gets an infusion that makes it permanent.

Life is still shifting for me in other ways. Always is, I guess. But in that tectonic plate movement kind of way, not just the oh, I grew a new eyelash yesterday…

Got some more blood tests done this morning (pre-arrival of new niece) and maybe by this time next week I’ll have some more answers. Ones that’ll lead to figuring out exactly how to get my body working properly again. Right now, we’re still only on the first step in Munchkinland on the way to the merry old land of Oz.

I’m just putting one foot in front of the other because that’s the only way to get anywhere, right?

But there’s so much more than that too, because other things are starting to click-clack into place. Stuff I didn’t know that I didn’t even know. Now that I do? It all makes sense.

Then there’s this wild and simple little children’s story kicking around the various attics of my mind, begging to be written. I simply MUST find some time for myself to write some more of it before things get too rowdy upstairs!

Those stories are so ready to come out that I found myself giving Kerry a two second synopsis at our appointment the other night. Of course with those appointments, we’ve been busily shifting a LOT of stuff. Including loosening up the ties that have held my creativity down. And so… BLURT. 😉

But to tease: my book has a name, a rough storyline and several characters already halfway grown (noses pressed up against the window, waiting to catch my attention).

Finally, other future plans are beginning to feel a little more real and possible and likely to happen in the sooner rather than later timezone. Which makes the corners of my mouth turn up in a secret, barely visible smile.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve still got a long way to go (baby…) (SQUEE!). But now I’m sure I’m on the right track whereas before, I most definitely wasn’t. Yay me.

Please feel free to send your blessings and prayers for a happy and inspiring life to my brand new niece. She’s the cutie-pie at the top of the post…

😀

~Svasti

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Decompressing on the downlow

27 Sunday Feb 2011

Posted by Svasti in Life

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

Carried by a Promise, cartoon series, feta and silverbeet pie, Goldilocks and the Three Bears, little girl giggles, Mojo, new job, Nieces, Papa Bear, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, satire, suppressor, The Wonky Donkey, Tinkerbell, update, world of impermanence, Yoga

A little more street art from my 'hood

 

There’s been the odd hint or two from certain people about my lack of blog posts in recent times. I know.

Well, blame it on all the energy I had to put into surviving the Hellhouse of Horrors, but I’ve been a touch short on inspiration lately.

Thing is, I don’t wanna post just for the sake of posting either, and I do know I sort of owe a few posts that I promised in January – more on Carried by a Promise, and reviews of the two yoga intensives I went to.

So believe me when I tell you that they’re still coming. They are. No really, they are!

I haven’t forgotten my bloggy friends either, believe me. I’m still reading your blogs and commenting when I can and right now, I’m preparing for my first day on the new job (back into contractor mode – I jokingly refer to this as the world of impermanence, which is more of a yogi joke than anything else!) tomorrow morning.

Right now, I’m waiting for my feta and silverbeet pie to finish cooking – my lunch for the next few days.

This weekend has been busy, too. First, there was that glorious experience of reveling in not having to go back to my old job any more, not ever-ever-ever-ever. Once I’d gotten over that, I realised how freakin’ tired I was!

And Saturday afternoon/evening was a family thing for my (currently) youngest niece’s birthday (there’s another niece-ling in the oven right now!). That cheeky lil cutie just turned two and is apparently fascinated by “Tubba” (Tinkerbell). So much fun!

I also had my hands full “doing tricks” (yoga) on command, helping both nieces do some acrobatics of their own, and reading Goldilocks and the Three Bears in my best character voices (you should hear my Papa Bear, it rocks!). Oh, and I was introduced to a very fabulous kid’s book called The Wonky Donkey. It’s rather hilarious and another good one for character voices and other exaggerated noises that elicit perfect little girl giggles! 😉

So today I just kinda collapsed, and thought very hard about writing a post or two but… not. Instead I had a lazy day of enjoying the rain from inside my apartment, eating an incredibly late lunch at one of my favourite local spots, grocery shopping and preparing for tomorrow.

So, I’ll be back soon okay? I just need to get a lil more inspiration mojo back, which will arrive once I’ve recovered from the stress and exhaustion. Because I’m a suppressor of my own “stuff”, in case you hadn’t realised. I’ll put up with ridiculous things for a really long time and sometimes it takes me a while to recognise what’s going on. Then it takes me a little while longer to recover…

Hey, let’s just call that another very handy side-effect of Post Traumatic Stress, shall we?

Anyway, if you draw all of the above on a graph, then I’m somewhere towards the end of that particular timeline, but just not quite there yet.

HOWEVER, I will have something delightfully wicked for you shortly – a brand new cartoon series called “The Yoga Rebel”… *cackles maniacally*

Of course, I’m no artist so my stick figures could be slightly on the ugly side. But ah well, I read Toothpaste for Dinner and understand the irony of bad art and satire, and it will amuse me and hopefully also readers of this here blog. If I haven’t lost y’all yet with my radio silence, that is!

Catch ya on the flip side, folks!

~Svasti xxx

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Healing in 2010 #reverb10

20 Monday Dec 2010

Posted by Svasti in Health & healing, Writing prompts

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

#reverb10, Broken, Depression, disassociation, dualistic experience of the world, Healing, injured, Kinesiology, Nieces, patience, pranayama, PTSD, Repression, ringlets, Shirley Temple, Yoga

Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?
~ December 19 prompt

I read another #reverb10-er’s post (I lost the link) suggesting that in order to be healed, something must be broken or injured. While this is true, I think many people don’t realise the hurts they are carrying. They’ve pushed their pain so far down inside, they can no longer feel it. I know that was true for me. But we can only lie to ourselves like this for so long.

Almost three years ago my body kicked off a rebellion against the intense repression and disassociation I’d been forcing it to swallow, just so that I didn’t have to. Which led to a bunch of scans, which led to a life-changing discussion with my chiropractor. Before long I had a referral to a therapist, a diagnosis of PTSD and depression and a long, LONG road to recovery ahead of me.

All this healing business has been much harder than I ever thought it’d be. But it’s been absolutely worth it. And this year I’ve begun feeling soooo much better than any time in recent memory. All of my hard work is starting to pay off!

I can’t tell you the number of times this year I’ve found myself just groovin’ along, finding pleasure in all kinds of things and noticing how it resonates through my body and mind.

Now maybe that sounds like a normal day/week/month/year to you. But it’s still something of a novelty for me! There’s still more work to do however. I think there possibly always is, even if the wounds aren’t quite as serious as others.

Because to me, the definition of healing is having an open heart that’s available for anything or anyone. And life in this dualistic experience of the world creates an ongoing pattern of opening and closing. Healing is about making more openings than closings, yeah?

And so without further ado, a short list of the things that have healed me this year. They’ve healed me in different ways – physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Some of it happened like a lightning rod and other kinds of healing were more gradual. Some of that healing is still ongoing, as I think it is for most people.

Hugs and kisses from these sweet little darlings – spending time with them makes life worth living. They light me up with killer smiles, their very well developed sense of humour and hilarious antics.

My older niece is a sensitive, observant, thoughtful and sweet little thing, with chocolate-brown puddles for eyes and ringlets worthy of Shirley Temple. She’s also a clown of the highest order.

The younger one has moods that range from the blackest of scowls through to the silliest baby giggle you’ve ever heard. Actually, her giggle sounds like it belongs to a black man! She’s wildly determined, stubborn and knows EXACTLY what she wants…

Yoga – for anything and everything that ails me. Shadow Yoga for teaching me to see my body in new ways and understand that my perceived limitations are just that: perception and not reality. Teaching yoga for understanding more about how to share the gems of yoga wisdom and do so with grace. Yoga is also a measure for how the healing of my shoulder is going…

Physiotherapy – extremely painful but absolutely necessary for helping to sort out my crazy left shoulder. It’s much better than it was, but still not perfect. The physio was important for a while, and gave me a chance to work on my pranayama (as opposed to swearing at or punching the poor guy).

Kinesiology – when this happened, I was suddenly very aware of how much gunk must still be clogging up my body and mind. Luckily, I already knew a rockin’ kinesiologist and we’ve had two appointments so far (the next one is in late January). Each session has been very to the point and as such, quite intense. Also, highly amusing. Especially when unprompted by me, Kerry says things like: Okay, what happened in your life when you were eighteen? Or twenty-seven?

Ha-frickin-ha, body. Clearly it’s time to get a whole bunch of internal house-cleaning done. This work has been right there, in my face and with nowhere to run. Not that I want to run, but y’know…

Acupuncture – the ongoing journey of healing my shoulder has led me to an acupuncturist who works with energy as much as he works with needles. It’s a good match for me, and things seem to be kicking along.

Letting go of expectation and having a plan – oh yes. It was a BIG idea and a fabulous one, to start questioning why the heck I thought I wanted what everyone else seems to want. Simply because it’s what we do?? So now I have a plan, and that plan puts a sparkle in my eyes and grin on my face.

Patience – I can’t begin to explain the importance of learning patience in my healing processes. All of them. Healing is generally not instantaneous. Even those moments that feel super-quick and as though you’ve been hit by a lightning rod are always preceded by much hard work.

Patience, and not expecting change overnight or despairing when it doesn’t happen the way you want it to – these things are so very important to staying on the path. Keeping that healing momentum moving. Then one unspecified day in the future, you’ll be surprised to wake up and find that you’re feeling… not as bad.

And it gets better than that, too. It really does.

~Svasti

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Joyful living

06 Thursday Aug 2009

Posted by Svasti in Fun, Life

≈ 8 Comments

Tags

bleeding from the heart, Cycling, Depression, Friends, Happiness, Jill and Kevin's wedding dance, joy, Nieces, Skiing, yoga classes, Yoga teacher

Watched this today…

Found my eyes were leaking (a bit) and I have to admit I felt a little envious of the joy being expressed.

Most of the time, we western-world folk do not express this much fun and happiness in our day-to-day lives. Or even weekly. Maybe not even monthly.

Sure, some people might. But most of us don’t due to habit, cultural acceptance, and generally because most people are bleeding from their hearts instead of singing.

Aren’t we?

We hurt, we try to keep our hurt to ourselves and we barely ever notice that everyone else around us is doing exactly the same.

This morning as I wandered around my flat getting ready for work, I realised that (for now) my interactions with depression are in recess.

I’ve got more energy than I’ve had in ages and I can actually get out of bed in the morning with relative ease. I’m starting to be much more excited about becoming a yoga teacher (OMG, I’ll be qualified at the end of the year!).

And yet, still… it’s possible to wander around and feel less than joyful for most of the day or week. Especially when doing a job I could care less about (except for getting paid).

My joy comes from my yoga classes, my nieces, cycling, and talking to my friends (most of them live far away).

But this morning I also realised I could add more joy into each day.

A little like the way BlissChick schedules time to dance regularly.

Because joy shouldn’t be something we experience infrequently like clinging to a life raft within a sea of unhappiness…

Then there’s Tricia’s latest post (a meme) – 6 things that make you happy.

There’s a world of difference between depression going away and actively seeking out the things that make you smile.

While the thrall of depression has lifted, the habits I formed to cope with that existence also need to be broken down. The staying in and not socialising. The having fewer expectations of my life. The not taking care of my appearance or what I eat. The not looking to the future… these are but a few.

In Tricia’s comments, I wrote my own 6 things that make you happy list (definitely in no particular order):

  1. Thinking about becoming a yoga teacher
  2. My fan girl night (meeting my celebrity crush earlier this year) – still makes me smile!
  3. My glorious nieces
  4. My yoga school’s spiritual home in north-east Thailand
  5. Snow skiing
  6. My wonderful friends (both virtual and IRL kinds)

It’s not a bad list, but if the meme had asked for 10 things, I might’ve come up a little short.

Which is ridiculous when there’s so many things to be happy about, right?

So. Here’s to the energy behind the wedding dancers in the video.

Even if we don’t actually break into dance as we wander throughour days, we each deserve the feeling that goes with this kind of celebration.

And I’ve decided the next step to climbing out of the dark, dank abyss of depression includes adding more activities into my life that are designed to tap into that kind of joy. Yes!

I’ll let you know how I go.

~Svasti

How was your Sunday?

24 Sunday May 2009

Posted by Svasti in Fun, Life

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Bikes, Bogans, Cave in the Snow, Cycling, Family, Flat tyre, Hermit, Humour, Laughing at myself, Mona Lisa, Nieces, peek a boo, Spirituality, Sunday, Surrender, Tenzin Palmo

What to say to a day where you try to do a nice thing (for your 94 year old and increasingly senile grandma) only to be insulted quite rudely (by said grandma – we’re not sure how much dementia is ruling the roost and how much is just her), and then on the way home, discover a flat bike tyre as you get off the train, and the spare tyre tube’s faulty too (but you didn’t know til after you’d been trying to pump it up fruitlessly for at least ten minutes).

Argh!!!

When trying to repair the original tube, discover the hole is in the worst possible spot, and while waiting to see if one of the many things you’ve tried has worked, get approached by a totally drunken bogan who says… ooooh, hey honey, what do YOU neeeeed? …as you frantically pace around trying to work out how to/if you can fix the damn tyre tube at all!

Mumbling more to yourself than anything, Need a band aid or something that might work as a stop-gap to get home!

For some reason the long haired drunken bogan leans in and salaciously whispers, Ohhhh I think I really want yoooouuuu! To which you reply, That’s great but I DON’T want you.. (why don’t really cute guys EVER say things like that?). Standing too close still, Mr Bogan is smoking (a major pet hate) so you tell him to smoke elsewhere. Anywhere else!

Another dude on a bike wanders by to commiserate at which point, Mr Bogan again feels the need to stick his face right near yours, PLEASE get out of my personal space!

Damn bogan!

So you give it up. Put the original tyre back together, wheel back on the bike and resign yourself to more train travel (two trains) and wandering home from the closest station with your poor limp bike and its sadly flaccid front tyre squeaking in protest at having to roll with not enough air in there…

Thank goodness for adorable two year old nieces playing peek-a-boo with your hair and chanting 1-2-3-ready-not! (translation = coming, ready or not!). Giggling in a way even the Mona Lisa couldn’t resist. And three month old baby nieces smiling wide cheesy baby grins, highly infectious those…

Not to mention being grateful for some time to re-read a rather wonderful little book, Cave in the Snow (will do a write up soonish), allowing those latent hermit-like tendencies to quietly re-surface… twas enough, too, to make me laugh at the madness of the day.

~Svasti

A new baybeh

26 Thursday Feb 2009

Posted by Svasti in Life

≈ 16 Comments

Tags

gestational diabetes, new baby, newborn, Nieces

Just a quick post to share a snapshot of my brand new baby niece. Born on Monday 23rd February.

Since her older sister was a whopper (weighing in at near 11lb) we were expecting ‘big things’ with this one. For that reason, as well as my sister’s gestational diabetes, this little one was brought into the world a couple of weeks early.

Just as well though, given her birth weight was 7lb 13oz (3.56kg) and she measured 51cm! Basically, she was already the size of a full term new born –  but to us she looked very little given her sister’s large birth weight.

She’s the sweetest little thing!

Interestingly, my sister discovered that she has a sixth toe on one foot! Just like her paternal grandfather, according to my brother-in-law. For no other reason than because in our society we wear shoes, the sixth toe will probably have to come off when she’s a little older.

And she was named for my brother-in-law’s mother. He’s Morroccan, and so my nieces, with their fair-haired mother and dark-skinned father, are utterly gorgeous.

The older neice wasn’t impressed with the new arrival at first, but now she’s in love with her, too. The pic below is a very precious moment when she decided her new sister wasn’t so bad after all…

Totally darn-tootin’ cute!!

~Svasti

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Say cheese!

20 Saturday Dec 2008

Posted by Svasti in Fun

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Baby photos, Camera, Cheese, Click, Munchkin, Nieces, Photos

My niece posing for a picture and literally saying cheese

Thought I’d share some gratuitous cuteness with y’all – my baby niece who’s now about 21 months old. That’s her above with the cheesy grin, showing off her teeth.  🙂

This pic was taken last weekend when my sister (six months pregnant and really popping out!) and the little munchkin came to check out my new home. It was the first time in ages its just been my sis and me. Plus one, of course.

Suddenly she’s gotten all interactive. Very chatty now, saying a few cute lispy words in her baby soft voice.

Giving my sister a break I became the key picker-upper of the munchkin as we roamed my place, looked for the cat under the bed, and tried to find things to grab (hadn’t quite managed to baby-proof everything). Even called me ‘mama’ mistakenly and begged for me to pick her up.

Can’t say I hated any of that…

The day she was born – in March ’07 – was such a miracle to me. And here’s a miraculous picture I took…

My niece the day she was born

It was bucketing down rain (in some cultures that’s considered a great blessing)… but there she was. Small, perfect and beautiful. A ray of sunshine in the depths of my depression. For months I spent nearly every weekened at my sister’s place just hanging out, watching her grow and change.

So last weekend I grabbed my camera to update the already voluminous library of her baby photos. There’s no shortage of those… poor thing’s had cameras shoved in her face from the day she was born. Not that she seems to mind. In fact anecdotes from my sister’s mothers’ group suggests all young kids these days learn to pose for photos as a matter of course.

And this pic actually, was taken on the munchkin’s request. Get this – she motions for me to pick up the camera.

Then, as I’m getting ready to take the shot, all on her own with no prompting… softly she says: cheeeeaaaaassssse

Right at the precise moment the button on the camera went click.

~Svasti

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