Hari Om Tat Sat Pattabhi Jois

Tags

Compassion, Guru, Hari Om Tat Sat, Meditation, Pattabhi Jois, Permaculture, Yoga

As he passes from this earthly realm, let us offer thanks for the work Pattabhi Jois in spreading yoga to the masses.

Some of the many tribute articles:

• Yoga Dork – This Too Shall Pass: Sri K. Pattabhi Jois Dead at 93
• Hindu.com -Yoga exponent Pattabhi Jois dead
• Beliefnet – Pattabhi Jois is Dead
• Linda’s Yoga Journey – In memoriam: Sri K. Pattabhi Jois
• Ashtanga News: Reactions on Pattabhi Jois’ death 3 days later

And, his official website – the Astanga Yoga Institute.

Interestingly, my next post (before I heard of Pattabhi Jois’ passing) was going to be part 4 of my ‘Why I have a Guru‘ series. It’s still on the way, very soon in fact (just tidying up a few things).

I don’t know a great deal about Pattabhi Jois. I’ve never studied Astanga in-depth, although I’ve done Astanga-style classes and I’m aware of Sri Pattabhi’s contributions to yoga. But without doubt, he has been a Guru for many people.

Many times, I’ve contemplated with gratitude the presence of my own Guru in my life. Which of course, also means I’ve contemplated the inevitable time when that will no longer be the case. This might be due to his passing, or perhaps in the latter part of his life he’ll decide to renounce teaching in favour of solo practice. However it happens, eventually he won’t be around.

I’ve thought a lot about what that’d be like. Undoubtedly, it would be sad, but I couldn’t be unhappy, I think. It’d be difficult to feel anything except gratitude.

In my life to date, not counting any further exchanges I might share with him, my Guru has given me more than any other person I know – meditation and yoga instruction (second to none), love, compassion, generosity, new thought paradigms, understanding of sacred texts, a second home (in Thailand), an interest in permaculture, and most importantly a vivid depiction of someone who lives and breathes everything he teaches.

Additionally, he’s shown me how to be a serious yogi without taking myself or my path too seriously.

While it’s not something everyone would choose (and certainly, this path seemed to choose me more than anything), finding myself with a Guru has been one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. And I say that in the face of having my delusions painfully stripped away at every turn. In fact, I’m grateful for the view of the world I’ve been given, no matter what else may come my way.

The following is a small prayer I offer at the end of my meditation/yoga practices and today I dedicate it to Pattabhi Jois:

Salutations and blessings to the Gurus and Wisdom Masters

May they continue their work to benefit all beings

Shining their light as always, without preference

Hari Om Tat Sat!

~Svasti

A tap dance

Tags

Avoidance, Denial, Meh, Permaculture, Repressed memo, Say his name damnit, Service, Therapy, Trauma symptoms, Yoga teacher

So at the end of our last session, you weren’t doing very well, prompts H (my therapist) in our appointment last week.

That’s right. I wasn’t… in a very good place at all…

It begins, accidentally sort of… on purpose sub-consciously… tapitty strike tap tap tap tap… oh but surely you want to hear about the latest with my family, my stressful job, my niece, what else is going on, what I’ve been writing on my blog… tic tac tap tap step ball change…

So how long do you think you can avoid talking about it? H gently questions me as we reach the half-way mark for the session.

Ah, oh… (friggin’ tears, just fuck right off!) I… look I know I need to face up to that stuff but really… I don’t know what to say about it right now. I still can’t say his name out loud. And I know it’s stupid! But it hurts worse than anything else I can think of, for some reason…

[Just thinking about that topic makes me feel like I’m dying. Even when I know I’m not.]

H changes tack. Okay, perhaps it’s not that important to do that right now, or ever… I’m not sure…

Yeah, well me neither.

H tries to pull me in closer; I desperately back away at speed.

We start talking about other things… and in a further attempt to avoid – I mention my annoyance with the length of time all this is taking.

This is the first time H admits that perhaps what I’m going through is somewhat more elongated than normal trauma recovery. The longer the symptoms are around, the harder it can be to shift them. But you can, and you are making progress.

Ah. So if I’d dealt with things properly in the first place…

No, don’t go there. It’s not about fault. It’s where you’re at. That’s all… you did what you could.

[Side note to Self: if I ever come across anyone else who’s been through trauma – insist they go get some help straight up. No matter what. Coz this royally blows…]

Uh huh. Well, I’m so over it.

So instead I mention how the anxiety and panic attacks seem to have increased a lot since this whole repressed memory thing. The rollercoaster of my emotional highs and lows right now (I used to be so even-tempered) is particularly unstable. Now much more so than before.

I even spill a little bit… about my general thoughts on not particularly caring if I was annihilated any time soon. I mean, I’m not really a part of anyone’s life exactly… just kind of an add-on. Y’know. Its all one great big dirty pile of… meh.

And… how I watch and witness these insane feelings and thoughts of negativity, completely neutrally (in regards to myself), insecurities running wild and free. I witness, and I do everything in my power not to dive in, but they’re there, all the same. Non-stop.

It takes very little to kick it all off and then… it’s a hike back to base camp.

Tip tap kick spin tap tap tap…

H writes alot today.

I know its devious. I feel a quiet satisfaction that we’re not talking about the other thing. It’s the first time I’ve consciously avoided talking about anything with H. I’m just not ready. And I hate that.

But somehow, perhaps because I’m letting some of the other less worrying negativity out of the bag… we get around to talking about what I actually want to do with myself.

If I’m not, y’know, gonna end up under a truck any time soon.

The words flow out of my mouth faster than I can think.

I wanna become a yoga teacher and a permaculturist. And I wanna… help under-privileged kids somehow. I want to help them learn more of the world than they might do otherwise, open more possibilities… But, I feel like I’ve got a long way to go before I can get there.

So is H my therapist or my life coach? Suddenly she’s got me focusing on what I’d really like to do. Things that would really make life feel like it was worthwhile. In a word: service.

And I still got away with avoiding the friggin’ subject. For now. Phew!

But it was interesting turn of conversation, all the same…

Round of applause. Bow. Cue curtain.

~Svasti