Fire, you say?
The short answer is that it’s everywhere (inflammation, causing this auto-immune condition of mine) and nowhere (there’s really no need to rush, not even a little bit). Inner fire – too much pitta throwing everything out of whack. Mind fire – going way too fast there, lassie! External fire – stimulus, trying to be where I’m not.
The other answer is that until I learn my lesson, it seems my body won’t quit with the un-subtle hints. I’m trying to develop a sense of humour around the perversity of it all, but it’s tricky sometimes.
Monday night, trying to get to the only health food store that stocks my sanity in the form of the anxiety-killing amino acid, L-Tyrosine… *twaaang*. Yep. That’d be the sound of my right calf muscle tearing once again.
Perhaps because I wasn’t moving mindfully. Desperate to get to the store before it shut in the next five minutes, not paying attention. I’d barely started moving faster, but it was enough. Same as before – that split second decision to change my pace and WHAMMY! Right in the calf muscle.
I spent yesterday working from home, barely able to walk or even hop.
Over the weekend just gone I’d been relishing the progress of my calf tear. Things were going well. I was doing gentle yoga, but no balancing on one leg. No running. Not even any extended walking anywhere. I’ve been good to my leg physically, but my mind hadn’t stopped racing ahead.
Wanting to get things done in a hurry. Be better. Be strong again.
Do ya feel lucky, punk?
This morning I read Sarah Wilson’s latest post on the difference between people who consider themselves “lucky” versus “unlucky”. Seems that the more focused and obsessive we get sometimes, the more likely we are to self-combust. In other words take your dang blinkers off, lady!
Be where I’m at. Look around. Don’t be so anxious to get my anxiety-assisting supplement that I’m not paying attention to how fast I’m travelling.
Slow down, and there won’t be a price to pay. Slow down, and smell the roses. Slow down, and be cool with not being the fastest filly in the pack (not that we ever were).
Sometimes I forget my body is sick
When I’m not crippled with an almost empty tank of energy, I can feel okay-ish. Other than an inability to lose weight and maybe the giant dark circles under my eyes, the casual observer wouldn’t necessarily pick it up either. Unless they’re sensitive to energy.
I also forget that I’m getting older and that I’ve been through a LOT spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally (we write them separately, but they’re all really one and the same, no?).
I’m starting to put the pieces together. My body communicates back to me the things I’ve neglected or not noticed for some reason. It wants to play fetch and it never stops nudging me to throw the ball back. To keep the exchange going.
Listen to the bod!
Many years ago, my body took me on my first unbidden healing journey.
Then it painfully pointed out to me that I needed to get some help for PTSD. I was so dissociated that getting my attention required extra effort.
And now my body is showing me all the hidden inflammation I carry, caused by too much stress and adrenal exhaustion. The first hint was via my regular blood donation – seriously low iron levels? Could be so many things, but I was encouraged to see a doctor and from there, everything else unfolded.
So why does my body have to go to such lengths? Because I’m dropping the ball. Not listening closely enough and/or the connection between mind and body has been severed a little. Not completely, but enough.
Too sick to feel it
Someone once told me that for all the people out there thinking they’re in good health because there’s nothing perceptibly wrong with them, many are not. It’s just that their systems are too backed up for them to notice.
Being sensitive to your body is a good thing, you see.
I mean, imagine a blocked drainpipe in a sink. Add more crap to the stuff that’s already blocking the drain and do you think that makes a difference? Maybe the blockage isn’t noticed until there’s water over-flowing onto the floor. Oh, we say. The drain is blocked!
Yeah, it’s actually been like that for ages and we just never noticed. Until we do. If we’re lucky, that is.
Blessings and lessons
So I see now that I’m actually blessed, even when I feel like crap. Really. Because my illness was discovered early, before I could become irrevocably sick. I just need to stop thinking it should all be over NOW-NOW-NOW.
Instead, I have to pay attention to the lessons my body wants me to learn:
- Self-nurture, self-care and self-love are vital to health and happiness
- Anger, bitterness, regret etc… are all inflammatory for the body and mind
- I’m strongest when I listen to and trust my intuition
- Ploughing headlong into everything without looking around first is never wise, but it’s how I’ve lived most of my life
- I intuitively understand mind and body are not separate and I need to stop treating them that way!
- Moving too fast is what got us into this mess…
Doubtless, there are more. But I’m just gonna deal with what’s in front of me right now before I take my next (careful) step forward.