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Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness

~ Recovery from PTSD & depression + yoga, silliness & poetry…

Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness

Tag Archives: Poetry

This is not peace

02 Monday May 2011

Posted by Svasti in Learnings, Life, Poetry

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

death, hatred, justice, Poem, Poetry, Revenge, symbolism, war

Peace Dove from Peace Mandalas: http://www.asounddesign.com/peace_dove.html

A man lies dead

But nothing has changed

There’s cheering by the tower

Hatred and plotting over there

==

A man lies dead

Although some grieve for him

Fueling more hatred and anger

None are healed by his passing

 ==

Peace begets peace

Love begets love

Kindness begets kindness

Trust begets trust

 ==

A man lies dead but this is not justice

Revenge does not bring peace

War does not bring peace

Symbolism does NOT bring peace

 ==

And this is not the end

 ~Svasti

-37.814251 144.963169

Been waiting…

02 Wednesday Mar 2011

Posted by Svasti in Learnings, Life

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

baggage, Depression, Fear, get cracking, Kinesiology, monkey shit, personal truths, place of awesomeness, Poetry, PTSD, residual gunk, tide, Yoga

Every five or six weeks, I’m still doing a kinesiology session.

Been doing them since November-ish, as soon as I realised my body was trying to let-the-hell go of a whole bunch of baggage.

The first things to come out were the real obvious stuff – to do with being assaulted, the PTSD and depression, and the seemingly endless fall-out from those events and experiences. Then, getting in a little deeper – other traumatic events further back in my history, some of which I’ve talked about here.

Then there was the whole thing about dealing with a bunch of past life stuff to do with being a servant (yep, that’s right – no kings or queens in my past lives!). Which was like, “yep”. Of course. Makes so much sense of why I feel very strongly called to serve other people in the here and now. So, cool…

Most of this is stuff I’m very well aware of, and so the first few sessions were very pointed: excuse me, but we’ve got to get the residual gunk relating to X, Y and Z out of this body, stat!

Each session has been incredibly visceral, personal and physical. Or is that metaphysical? Lots of very strong energetic and physical sensations and experiences that have almost blown me away. It’s been hard and easy and overwhelming and affirming and a whole bunch of other indescribable things, too.

Right now it seems the focus is on what’s holding me back from moving forward. I’ve got a lot of fear around wondering just what the heck is next?

For the longest time I’ve felt like I’ve been standing in the surf at an ocean beach, the tide tugging at my legs. It’s been a constant battle just to keep standing upright. To not be overwhelmed by the never-ending waves rushing towards me, or dragged out to sea by a rip. In short, I’ve been expecting the worst, because a lot of the worst has already happened AND has kept happening.

But now I’m on this new path, or so I’ve been imagining. It feels positive. It feels right. It feels like I might’ve hit on something with the whole pay-off-my-debts-sell-everything-study-more-yoga-in-India-and-elsewhere-then-become-a-poor-but-happy-yoga-teacher-somewhere-in-the-world plan.

And hey, things seem to be moving very slowly but surely in that direction.

BUT. BUT. BUT. BUT. BUT. B-U-T!!!!

It has felt like that before. So lately, my inner questions have been things like:

  • How do I get to where I want to be from here?
  • How do I know if I’m even on the right track?
  • Things have felt right before and haven’t been. So, what is it?
  • Am I gonna be clobbered by barrels of monkey shit yet again??
  • If I could plot my position with a GPS (like the wonderful Google Maps on my iPhone), just where in the heck would I be located on this new path of mine?
  • Am I closer to where I want to be, or to WTF-ville?

During my kinesiology session this week, what came up for me was this idea of waiting. I’ve literally been waiting for things to get all fucked up again. Expecting it, even. Which is kind of dumb, because if there’s one thing I know about the mind-body connection from yoga – if you focus on something enough, it can happen. Even if it’s something you don’t want!

So DOH! Time to stop with the expecting of bad stuff. Sheesh!

Another thing that came up was this idea of grounding spiritual concepts. When we explored a little further it goes something like this…

In the yoga room when I put on my (invisible) yoga teacher hat, all the bullshit that goes with me being me gets swept aside. I’ve got things to say to my students about their practice that seem to come from I don’t know where – a place of awesomeness. I am not feeling like goofy-Svasti or clumsy-Svasti or Svasti-the-foot-in-mouth-chick. None of that.

It’s not like I’m pretending either. It feels like an authentic expression of who I am, and all those teachings I’ve had (and continue to have) over the years come pouring out to be shared. But I’ve written about this before.

Anyway, the point is that perhaps I need to start doing more to bring all of that stuff out of the yoga teaching room with me. It’s not like the teachings haven’t been crossing over into my life at all, because they have. But perhaps just not enough.

Thing is, in order to keep teaching, to teach more and learn more I need to do this work. I have to find a way to bring my non-yoga teaching/practicing time into harmony with the time I do spend on the mat as a teacher or student. Because if I can’t manage that, then what the heck do I have to share with my students?

But also this: if I can’t let go of my fears, they’ll continue to limit my physical yoga practice (i.e. the poses I’m afraid of doing). And if that remains limited then so does my meditation. And once again, so does what I can authentically share with my students.

So the further I go with these kinesiology sessions, the closer to my own personal truths I get. Which works hand-in-hand very nicely with my yoga practice and teaching…

Indeed it seems I have been waiting, but not just for the sky to fall in on me again. Apparently I’ve also been waiting to get down to the nitty gritty of it all so I can get cracking with moving forward!

And to finish, some snippets of poetry I wrote the other night on my iPhone – which is handy when I’m not near my laptop or even a pen and paper.

Not entirely sure if these really go together or if they’re separate pieces. I wrote more, too. But this is all I’m sharing right now:

Maybe the road is my home now

And maybe it never stops

Maybe my kind of happiness

Means I’m always unwinding the clock…

~

Oh, won’t you be my lieutenant

(Steady my way)

And I’ll keep an eye out

For things that can’t be seen…

~Svasti

P.S. Job is going well so far – it is blessedly uneventful. Everyone is nice and calm, and there’s no grandstanding or belligerence to be seen. And let me tell you how nice that is after five days a week of that for the last five months!

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Ruby slippered steps

15 Sunday Aug 2010

Posted by Svasti in Poetry

≈ 7 Comments

Tags

Adventures, bliss, castles, Fear, Grace, impenetrability, opportunity, Poem, Poetry, ponderously, potentiality, Probable Cause, Twitter, Universe

‘Round the ends of the universe

And back (again)

Enfolded in blissful possibilities

Of adoration and

Great big shining opportunities

So melts the Castle

Of Impenetrability

Because all things have a Time

And a Place

~ Potentiality ~

Now just looking

For Probable Cause

It MUST be Real

Requiring bone-deep

Introspection

Deeper, even

Now to discover

That first ruby slippered step!

(That is my current plan…)

~Svasti

(A little late-night Twitter-composed poetry, while lying in bed PONDEROUSLY attempting bravery to figure stuff out.)

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A brief statement of fear (Alice-style)

31 Wednesday Mar 2010

Posted by Svasti in Poetry

≈ 11 Comments

Tags

Alice in Wonderland, Fear, Poem, Poetry

Because it’s really quite simple, y’see

Once I’ve crossed that bridge

Or walked through that door

I’m afraid that the me I am

Won’t resemble the me I’ll be

When more likely

It’s probably true to say

That the me I’ll be

Will be more me

Than any me I’ve ever been…

~Svasti

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A short run

21 Tuesday Jul 2009

Posted by Svasti in Poetry

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

bothering, endings, final act, final bows, glitter, Greasepaint, Heartbreak, Loss, Poem, Poetry, Sadness, sonnets, unwritten scenes

‘Scuse my silence, I’m just

Over here dealin’

With a little heartbreak

Nothing that’ll kill me

But enough to knock

The words from my mouth

And the sonnets from my sight

Keep writing what I think

Happened, knowing it wasn’t

Like that, not entirely

Got a lot to say but

Nowhere to put it; the

Ninth act deleted

Before it began

Curtains drawn, no

Final bows allowed

I fear now, all along my

Interpretation was off

Making more plot than

The playwright conceived

My performance gaudy

Overdrawn and naught

But bothersome to

Other players, time wasting

And over-sharing barging

Through unwritten scenes

Now sitting in the wings, the

Show’s over, the run’s complete

Time to repaint the backdrops

And move on then, is it?

Hard to forget, don’t really want to

Greasepaint and glitter stubbornly

Linger, a constant reminder

Ever fainter, of shows past

Perhaps never to play again

~ Svasti

People watching, Chapter 3

01 Wednesday Jul 2009

Posted by Svasti in Poetry

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

dead eyes, disillusionment, Fear, Frozen hearts, glitter, marble foyers, People watching, Poem, Poetry, purple, suits, tram tracks

Corner Collins & Swanston Streets, Melbourne

Vanilla flavoured suits disguising

Poorly hidden madness

Trying on blank slate faces

Pinstripes like disillusionment

Nothing reveals the sadness

Like dead eyes above

Tastefully expensive ties

No hair product, no lipstick

To conceal this blemish

Tension leads to numbness when

It can’t be understood

Searching finds a pint or two

And fear buys the next round

So I try to breathe compassion

And openness and love

But I’m only half awake and

Never sure which half

Asleep enough to empathise

Awake enough to care

Let’s colour your pinstripes purple

Sprinkle glitter in your hair

And look to where sun and sea

Sing pretty rhythms within

Bringing life to marble foyers

Clackety-clack tram tracks and

A skip in your step because

You know, oh you really do

~Svasti

Next step unknown

08 Friday May 2009

Posted by Svasti in Poetry

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

Foundations, Gravity, Loss, Love, Pease, Poem, Poetry, Recriminations, Reparations, Sorrow, Spider's web

Tension and complexity

Create the spider’s web

No one leaves the whirlpool

As it swirls us to our doom

Gravity holds the satellite

To its planet, never leaving

The binding force is love

Previous beauty brought undone

Reparations, recriminations

Salving this path is not

Easy, there’s no clean

Cut to suture nicely

No balance, no simple

Answers to banish

Those unwanted tears

Do the strength of

Our convictions create more

Problems than they solve?

Love is no struggle, here

It’s our battle stations

Horrifically dragging us to

Something no one wants

I love you, oh I do, yet

I don’t know the way

From here, to that blissful

Commune of love we

Laughed about, before

The foundations trembled

~Svasti

Learning the ropes

15 Wednesday Apr 2009

Posted by Svasti in Poetry

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

Adventures, Bali, Fear, Love, Optimism, Poem, Poetry, Re-discovering old writing, Sanur, Undated poem

Sanur beach, Bali - 20th May 2006

My ship is made

Of love and fear

Of fear of love

Of love of all

– – – – – – – – –

Bright star o’er there

Glinting promise – a plan

Perhaps, setting sail again

O’er all those seas

~Svasti

Reprieve

10 Saturday Jan 2009

Posted by Svasti in Poetry, Post-traumatic stress

≈ 9 Comments

Tags

Adrift, Fear, Heart pain, Inertia, Lethargy, Love, Outlet, Poetry, Sadness

Another day lost
Hovering, undressed, unsure
No reason not to see the day
No reason to be anywhere but here
Started out numb enough
Lethargy and Inertia
My wingmen

Love is everywhere, though
Intruding on this exile
My gorgeous daily touchstone
(I adore you!)
Emails and calls from people who
Don’t know I’m adrift

Day passing and pulse speeding
Open heart agony arrives
Pain doesn’t knock first
And yet…
Reminders of love and care
Keep interrupting this debacle
Saying… hang in there

Tho it’s not bad and I’m not scared…
My bubble of terror, I think
Has sprung a leak
~Svasti

Jagrat-Svapna

19 Wednesday Nov 2008

Posted by Svasti in Poetry

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Awareness, Dreaming, Non-duality, Poem, Poetry, Self, Sleep walking, Wake up

A sea of bodies moving and
Minds are out to lunch
Head in the clouds,
Dreaming dreams eyes open?
Does any part of you register
A world outside your skin-bag?

Your body animates like
Marionettes jerkily shifting
Colliding blindly unseeing
Unfeeling autopilots, all
Cut off from Self
Can’t you see others?

Breathe and connect and know
There is nowhere that is not Self
There is no thing that is not Self

Wake up! I say, wake up!!

~Svasti

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