Chronic Yogi interview: Rachel Hawes

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brainfog, cake, CFS, chronic pain, Dave Grohl, Desikachar, empathetic, exhaustion, fairy dust sprinkler, Fibromyalgia, glitter, Insomnia, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, kittens, light/sound sensitivity, massage therapist, migraines, myalgic encephalomyelitis, pilates, pranayama, pugs, Punk rock yogini, Rachel Hawes, Suburban Yogini, Tara Fraser, unbendy yoga teachers

Name: Rachel (aka Suburban Yogini)

Bio: Punk rock yogini, teacher, writer, massage therapist, sprinkler of fairy dust + lover of all things glitter, cake, kittens, pugs and Dave Grohl.

How long have you been a student of yoga? And how long have you been teaching?

I went to my first yoga class as a child alongside my mum and I’ve been hooked on and off ever since. I went to a weekly class right through college and university (I’d been a dance student in college and it really helped my posture and flexibility), but it wasn’t really until my mid-twenties that I started to see it as anything other than a physical practice.

I’ve been teaching since 2005.

What sort of yoga do you teach?

Rachel Yoga 🙂

My background is very mixed. It was very Astanga Vinyasa based up until about 2004/2005 when I met Tara Fraser of Yoga Junction who practiced and taught in the style of TKV Desikachar. My teaching probably lies very much in that tradition, although when I’m lesson planning all kinds of things can come in as warm-ups and counterposes – stuff from my dance training, stuff from my Pilates training (I’m training to teach Pilates at the moment), just stuff that feels right, you know?

On the flyers it says Hatha though – it’s simpler that way!

Which form of chronic illness do you live with? When were you first diagnosed?

I was first diagnosed with M.E. (myalgic encephalomyelitis) when I was 17 and I’ve lived with it on and off (and through various name changes – CFS/Fibromyalgia) ever since. There are good periods and bad periods. More good than bad most of the time I’m happy to say.

What sort of symptoms do you experience? Is there a known cure for your condition?

The symptoms are manifold and no sufferer seems to have the same set of symptoms which is why the medical profession find it so hard to pin down and why some still think it’s all in the mind (it’s not, I can assure you).

For me the symptoms have been as diverse as migraines and Irritable Bowel Syndrome, chronic pain and light/sound sensitivity, chronic sore throats and just plain old bone aching exhaustion.

But the worst of them all is the brainfog. The brainfog leaves you incapable of remembering your keys or the previous chapter of your book and there have been times I’ve stopped mid-yoga lesson not really sure what I’m meant to be teaching next. Never be without a class plan, that’s my motto! (Ed: Me too!)

There is no known cure. There isn’t even any agreement as to what causes it although my money is on it being neurological rather than auto-immune.

I also have a C-shaped congenital upper thoracic scoliosis. This wasn’t discovered until adulthood, so again there is no treatment other than osteopathy/chiropractic.

Did you start teaching yoga before or after you got sick?

After – long after!

If you got sick THEN started teaching yoga, what was going through your mind when you applied for yoga teacher training? Was your YTT impacted by your illness?

YTT in the UK is a massive commitment. You do a year’s foundation course first followed by the full YTT which is equivalent to Yoga Alliance’s 200 and 500 hours put together I believe and takes another 2-3 years. I thought long and hard about it to be honest. I didn’t see how someone this sick and tired, with a spine that just did not bend could possibly commit to the training.

It was Tara Fraser again who encouraged me, saying the world needed more empathetic unbendy yoga teachers bless her! So I did it.

On the first day of YTT I met L, who had had surgery for two herniated discs. The sick and the lame sort of stuck together on my YTT and we’ve been inseparable ever since!

Half-way through my YTT I did have a really bad patch. I’d just moved across London away from Tara’s studio and also Tara had gone on maternity leave so I found myself teacherless. I was working full time in law too then (yeah, I have no idea how I did it to be honest!) and I just needed a break. I took a six month hiatus from YTT and then joined again to take my final exams.

Have you ever shared your health condition with your students? If so, what happened? Has anyone ever reacted negatively?

I don’t share it with everyone, just if it seems relevant – more with private clients than group classes, although I do talk about the scoliosis a lot more than the ME. It’s more relevant to most people.

That said, it’s all up there on my website so anyone who’s read that will already know and that’s fine with me.

The only negativity I’ve had towards my health, sadly, has been from other teachers who seem to think it makes me “not good enough” (Ed: wtf!!) rather than from students, who all seem to quite like me!

Does your health ever affect they way you sequence your yoga classes?

Not that I’m aware of no, but I did learn at a very early stage in my career to teach without demonstration – partly not to wear myself out and partly because well, no –one needs to see my backbends!! When it comes to backbends for example I will use a student who I know well to do them. Himself (Ed: Rachel’s partner) has a very bendy back so I use him sometimes!

Chronic illnesses can be very frustrating. Do/did you ever feel angry about your diagnosis? How does it impact your own yoga practice and your life in general?

I get frustrated a lot, especially with the brainfog and the dropping things and the pain (pain is exhausting and yes, I take painkillers, I’m not ashamed to admit it). But here’s the thing. I was so young when I got diagnosed that sometimes I don’t remember anything else. And actually, in hindsight, I wonder if I haven’t had this since I was a kid.

Somehow having always had it seems less frustrating because I never knew adult life without it, so I never had to give anything up, if that makes sense. Everything I’ve done I’ve done with M.E. and as a kick in the face for M.E., rather than thinking “Oh I used to do this before I got sick”. I consider myself lucky because of that.

Have you experienced any “dark night of the soul” moments/hours/days in dealing with your illness? What got you through?

One of the most annoying symptoms is insomnia. I go through some really bad periods when I hardly sleep at all and 3am is a bad time for everyone when it comes to “dark nights of the soul”! I get though it with a mixture of good books, camomile tea, chocolate, pranayama and legs up the wall pose (Viparita Karani).

From your yoga practice and studies, what sort of outlook do you have regarding your health?

Despite the frustration and the bad bad days (and the brainfog, when I don’t really have the capacity for an outlook at all), I have a pretty live-and-let-live outlook to it. After all, there is very little I can do to change it other than what I am already doing. There is no point whining about “why me” because really “why not me?”. When I was being diagnosed I had tests for a lot of very very scary things, so I’m pretty grateful not to have any of them really.

Giving up the 9-5 grind to teach yoga and massage really helped. I’m lucky enough to have a very supportive partner for that one, and appreciate that not everyone is in a position they can give up work. But I really think that I’m lucky to have never known a different life to this.

My regular yoga practice and continuing studies keep me grounded which I think is really important to help prevent me getting too caught up in my symptoms and pranayama is a god-send, seriously!

How do you manage your health? With western medicine, eastern medicine, alternative therapies or a combination of them all? What one thing helps you the most?

Yoga, Pilates (I always say yoga helps my soul, pilates helps my spine!), massage, reiki, cranial osteopathy and chiropractic. I don’t know if one helps more than the other or not, it’s a perfect combination! I have played around with my diet as well although when I find something that works it only seems to for a little while. I’m currently experimenting with gluten free. Western medicine gives me painkillers, which isn’t ideal of course but is sometimes very necessary to carry on with my life.

Do you have any questions for Rachel? If so, ask away in the comments section!

Where you can find Rachel

Blog: Suburban Yogini		Business website: Fusion Massage & Movement
Social media:

~ / \ ~

HUGE thanks to Rachel for stepping up as my very first interviewee! I hear you on the brainfog, the light/sound sensitivities and the exhaustion.

I think we all owe Tara Fraser a debt of gratitude for encouraging Rachel to complete her YTT. And I don’t know how she did such a rigorous training while working full-time, either!

Kudos to you, lovely!! And once again, thank you for sharing with us all! xx

Read other Chronic Yogi interviews

Get some more goodness from other inspiring yoga teachers.

They’re indexed right here.

Are you a Chronic Yogi?

If you are and you’d like to participate in this interview series read my criteria, and email me and/or let me know in the comments. Your voice is more than welcome!

~ Svasti

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Healing in 2010 #reverb10

Tags

#reverb10, Broken, Depression, disassociation, dualistic experience of the world, Healing, injured, Kinesiology, Nieces, patience, pranayama, PTSD, Repression, ringlets, Shirley Temple, Yoga

Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?
~ December 19 prompt

I read another #reverb10-er’s post (I lost the link) suggesting that in order to be healed, something must be broken or injured. While this is true, I think many people don’t realise the hurts they are carrying. They’ve pushed their pain so far down inside, they can no longer feel it. I know that was true for me. But we can only lie to ourselves like this for so long.

Almost three years ago my body kicked off a rebellion against the intense repression and disassociation I’d been forcing it to swallow, just so that I didn’t have to. Which led to a bunch of scans, which led to a life-changing discussion with my chiropractor. Before long I had a referral to a therapist, a diagnosis of PTSD and depression and a long, LONG road to recovery ahead of me.

All this healing business has been much harder than I ever thought it’d be. But it’s been absolutely worth it. And this year I’ve begun feeling soooo much better than any time in recent memory. All of my hard work is starting to pay off!

I can’t tell you the number of times this year I’ve found myself just groovin’ along, finding pleasure in all kinds of things and noticing how it resonates through my body and mind.

Now maybe that sounds like a normal day/week/month/year to you. But it’s still something of a novelty for me! There’s still more work to do however. I think there possibly always is, even if the wounds aren’t quite as serious as others.

Because to me, the definition of healing is having an open heart that’s available for anything or anyone. And life in this dualistic experience of the world creates an ongoing pattern of opening and closing. Healing is about making more openings than closings, yeah?

And so without further ado, a short list of the things that have healed me this year. They’ve healed me in different ways – physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Some of it happened like a lightning rod and other kinds of healing were more gradual. Some of that healing is still ongoing, as I think it is for most people.

Hugs and kisses from these sweet little darlings – spending time with them makes life worth living. They light me up with killer smiles, their very well developed sense of humour and hilarious antics.

My older niece is a sensitive, observant, thoughtful and sweet little thing, with chocolate-brown puddles for eyes and ringlets worthy of Shirley Temple. She’s also a clown of the highest order.

The younger one has moods that range from the blackest of scowls through to the silliest baby giggle you’ve ever heard. Actually, her giggle sounds like it belongs to a black man! She’s wildly determined, stubborn and knows EXACTLY what she wants…

Yoga – for anything and everything that ails me. Shadow Yoga for teaching me to see my body in new ways and understand that my perceived limitations are just that: perception and not reality. Teaching yoga for understanding more about how to share the gems of yoga wisdom and do so with grace. Yoga is also a measure for how the healing of my shoulder is going…

Physiotherapy – extremely painful but absolutely necessary for helping to sort out my crazy left shoulder. It’s much better than it was, but still not perfect. The physio was important for a while, and gave me a chance to work on my pranayama (as opposed to swearing at or punching the poor guy).

Kinesiology – when this happened, I was suddenly very aware of how much gunk must still be clogging up my body and mind. Luckily, I already knew a rockin’ kinesiologist and we’ve had two appointments so far (the next one is in late January). Each session has been very to the point and as such, quite intense. Also, highly amusing. Especially when unprompted by me, Kerry says things like: Okay, what happened in your life when you were eighteen? Or twenty-seven?

Ha-frickin-ha, body. Clearly it’s time to get a whole bunch of internal house-cleaning done. This work has been right there, in my face and with nowhere to run. Not that I want to run, but y’know…

Acupuncture – the ongoing journey of healing my shoulder has led me to an acupuncturist who works with energy as much as he works with needles. It’s a good match for me, and things seem to be kicking along.

Letting go of expectation and having a plan – oh yes. It was a BIG idea and a fabulous one, to start questioning why the heck I thought I wanted what everyone else seems to want. Simply because it’s what we do?? So now I have a plan, and that plan puts a sparkle in my eyes and grin on my face.

Patience – I can’t begin to explain the importance of learning patience in my healing processes. All of them. Healing is generally not instantaneous. Even those moments that feel super-quick and as though you’ve been hit by a lightning rod are always preceded by much hard work.

Patience, and not expecting change overnight or despairing when it doesn’t happen the way you want it to – these things are so very important to staying on the path. Keeping that healing momentum moving. Then one unspecified day in the future, you’ll be surprised to wake up and find that you’re feeling… not as bad.

And it gets better than that, too. It really does.

~Svasti

Betrayal and brimming bagfuls of possibility – part 1

Tags

awry, betrayal, biatch, blue eyes, brimming bagfuls of possibility, cacophony, death knell, droid, heat pack of fortitude, love-in, mocking, monsoon, possibility, pranayama, R2D2, remedial massage, Star Wars, superstitious, wry, wry neck

Sounds a little dramatic, doesn’t it? Don’t worry though, nothing’s as bad as you might imagine. And I’d be sorry about causing you any alarm, ‘cept I’m always a sucker for a catchy headline. Also, I’m a sucker for tall men with broad shoulders, dark hair, blue eyes and an accent. In case you were wondering.

So hold the panic because really I’m just talking about being betrayed by my otherwise healthy body with this… well apparently the technical term is “wry neck”.

Wry. My neck is wry.

Or perhaps awry?

One of those. It’s basically being a total biatch and causing the rest of my being (physical and otherwise) untold misery. It’s that special sort of pain that’s so pointy and stabby that even a 10ml dosage of it forces you to breathe in tiny pitiful gasps. And that ain’t no pranayama, folks!

Woke up this morning and while that un-delectable haze of being stoned on pain-killers/muscle relaxants (I’d actually forgotten what it’s like to get high, it’s been sooooo long!) had worn off, my neck had not relented overnight.

See? Betrayal right there, everybody!

Although still rather snoozy from a lack of restful-type sleep, I honourably attempted to hustle myself into a fit state for my day job. Only to discover that it actually wasn’t possible. I basically felt (‘scuse the language) royally fucked – although without any of the fun parts (and now that I mention it, if you’d like to make an advance birthday wish for me and on my behalf, I wouldn’t mind being royally fucked in the whoo-hoo-oh-yeah kinda way as well. *ahem*).

Betrayed by my body. Gah! And we’ve become such good friends lately. All this yoga-ing and teaching yoga etc has been such a love-in for my body and I. So this is…unsettling. Although it was clear to me this was a muscle thing and not a bones or joints thing. And I needed some help. Quick.

Did the ring around and eventually snagged myself a remedial massage appointment for 11am. Of course, Melbourne’s tropical downpours continued today (our second day of Summer, dammit) but my choices were to venture out anyway, or remain lying supine and most pathetically on the floor of my apartment for who knows how long.

I had to go.

Massage helped a whole lot, although it was no magic tonic for dissolving the freak-out attack my neck and upper back muscles appear to be engaged in. But I think I regained about 10-15% range of motion back. Which is like, hey, time for a party. Right? Okay, maybe not…

And then I might’ve gone into work after that because perhaps there was a meeting I really wanted to have at that particular time. And people there – my comrades in the day job – might’ve ever-so-slightly mocked me with the nickname R2D2 (referring to that droid’s inability to move it’s head separately from it’s neck, get it?).

But I did do those things (otherwise I might’ve been extremely bored hanging out at home, just me and my wry neck) and I survived the very monsoon-like conditions and am now resting (?at my writing desk?) with the Heat Pack of Fortitude draped over my shoulders.

The point in telling you all of this wasn’t just to whinge about my sad and sorry (but ultimately impermanent) condition. It’s more about the fact that despite all of the madness, temporary (legal) drug use and ridiculous impersonations of robots from Star Wars… in that cacophony my mind somehow managed to convey some useful stuff.

That would be the brimming bagfuls of possibility. There’s two brimming bagfuls, actually.

Of course, these ideas have been banging around various corners of my noggin for a while now. I keep wanting to talk about them and then I get all superstitious and tell myself that doing so might just be the death knell for those bagfuls. Which is of course, quite ridiculous.

But hey, fear knows how to play dirty.

Brimming bagful #1

Ever since my appointment with Kerry, I’m painfully aware that I’ve avoided doing anything about getting my writing out there a little more. Kerry suggested that it might be helpful if I had a plan. A plan, you say? Well… thinking about having a plan is about as much as I’ve done to-date.

It’s so very easy to find excuses, or even to just let the excuses find me. Too busy. Oh look, I have another yoga class to plan. Feeling pretty exhausted right now. Oh look, the bathroom needs cleaning. That cat of mine needs some grooming…

I don’t need to explain this to anyone who’s ever avoided doing their homework, am I right?

Perhaps this is why my conscious mind needed to be assaulted with intensive pain in order for other parts of my being to get a word in. Or perhaps it was just about timing, and skipping through enough blogs written by others so that tiny fractions of seedlings might hover together closely enough that a more obvious idea could emerge?

And it has. I’m yet to decide if I’ll write under my Svasti pseudonym or my real name or something else entirely. No matter. I’ve got some research to do and some articles to plan and then write, but I suspect I might be onto something. I’ll let you know as and when.

What’s enabled me to plan even this much however, is that I’ve taken the concept of playful exploration (I wrote about it in another post) off the yoga mat and into other areas of my life. Imagine… being playful instead of angsty about my writing? Imagine just trying to get published in a few different places, just giving it a shot to see what happens (and who cares if it actually happens or not)? Imagine putting myself out there in a much more public format than my very private little blog niche here?

Imagine that. Imagine putting some of the oomph and dedication I give my yoga practice into my life as a writer? Ha. Well, imagine that…

[to be continued…]

~Svasti

Guest post at The Joy of Yoga

Tags

guest post, nadi shodhana, pranayama, surya namaskar, The Joy of Yoga, Yoga, yoga classes, yoga sequences, yoga teaching

Emma over at The Joy of Yoga has kindly posted my yoga sequence from the class I taught on Tuesday night.

Writing sequences is a very important skill for a yoga teacher to learn, and hey, I know I’m still a beginner. But I was rather tickled by how well my very swiftly composed class plan worked out on Tuesday night!

Emma’s blog is a self-described wiki for yoga sequences and she recently mentioned she’s always looking for guest posts and so…voilà!! I am kind of nervous about sharing so publicly, but then hey, why not right?

Another cool thing about Tuesday’s class – none of the seven women I taught had even heard of pranayama before that night, and so I gave them their first dose of nadi shodhana – which is wonderfully calming after a busy day at work if the mind has been running non-stop. Here’s a little video I found on You Tube for those who might be unfamiliar with this practice…

On reflection, the class was a definite a mash-up between my Hatha and Shadow training and practice. Several ladies told me how much they enjoyed the class. One even said she thought it was refreshing not to have any surya namaskar going on (truthfully, I had thought about it but because it was only an hour long class and I wanted to include pranayama, I left that yoga class staple out for once!).

Fellow yoga teachers: If you have any comments or suggestions on how my sequence could be improved, I would love to hear your thoughts!

~Svasti xo

Gettin’ in the groove

Tags

beginners luck, Big Scary Idea, chanting, Depression, fraud, groove, Heart, in the zone, Meditation, pranayama, PTSD, teacher training, Yoga, Yoga In Daily Life, Yoga teacher, yoga teacher groove

Anahata Om Mani Padme Hum - by Gabriela Pomplova

Had quite the magnificent day yesterday. Can you guess why? Well, in part it’s down to some glorious sunshine-y Spring weather and then, uhhh, I’ve been talking an awful lot about yoga lately, haven’t I?

*grins*

Might’ve also mentioned in a recent post that I’ve been having a little trouble fully getting into yoga teacher mode.

Honestly, it’s been quite confronting for me to step up to the front of the room. The practice classes we did in teacher training were very helpful, and then teaching the volunteer classes has considerably increased my comfort level.

BUT it’s important for me to remember that really, this time last year I was still struggling with depression. I’d rather narrowly overcome to desire to end my own life (this is despite being in yoga teacher training!) and it was only around February 2009 that I’d found a release from the torment of PTSD.

Thing is, that some of those patterns of behaviour stuck around even as I started to feel much better. And they’ve been quite difficult to kick. Because I’ve spent the last five or so years trying to make myself small (tough job when you’re as tall as I am!) and invisible. I’ve grown accustomed to not making eye contact, and avoided drawing attention to myself. It’s how I got through all those years of mind-bendingly awful times. It still feels safe to try to be small and unnoticed, you see.

BUT…

As yoga teacher training progressed, it dawned on me (doh!) that I’d have to stand up at the front of the room, having all eyes on me and talk people through a yoga class. I also realised I’d have to make eye contact and possibly even physical contact with people I didn’t know!

So my very first attempts at leading a yoga class were hilarious (in retrospect). My voice wobbled all over the place. I couldn’t think of what to say to help transition someone from one asana to the next.

I felt like a fraud.

Who did I think I was, trying to be a yoga teacher? Such a Big Scary Idea!

The feeling of being a fraud has stayed with me, even though there’s plenty of evidence to the contrary. Sure, I organised my volunteer classes – and believe me it took a LOT of effort to make ’em happen.

But I found myself skimping on preparation time! It was as if I was scared of what it might mean if I was very organised and well-rehearsed. Kinda like I was setting myself up to fail (allowing me to continue to believe I am indeed a fraud!).

Funny thing happened though – somehow I pulled off those under-prepared classes anyway! I still seemed to know what to do and what to say. Of course, because I hadn’t done proper preparation, I told myself that I was still faking it. Perhaps, I’d whisper to myself, I’d just had beginners luck?

Friday night I was terrified as I prepared my lesson plan for Saturday’s class. I started on it late, procrastinating. Which meant I stayed up late to finesse it, making sure I knew exactly what I was doing.

Why all the preparation this time, huh? I was VERY excited to be teaching at Yoga in Daily Life – which is a traditional-style yoga school, akin to my own training. There’s no issue with adding in chanting, meditation or pranayama… that’s just how the school does things anyway (little skip of joy from me!).

There was a small but respectable turn out of five people – one of whom had seen a tweet I’d sent out about the class and came along based on that (cool, eh?).

And there were a few moments in the class where I noticed something… a change in myself. But was it really even a change? It’s hard to say. However, the second I paid attention to it, I almost panicked and lost the yoga teacher groove it seems I’d entered. So I had to relax and let go again… just let it all unfold and stop thinking too much. Just do. Just like with asana.

What happened as a result was this: Some of my students had conditions or injuries they confided in me about. Another asked me a question about the “popping” noise of the joints, which I fluidly replied to. My instructions for asana were smooth, confident sounding and well… a little inspired at times (where DO some of those words come from, eh?). I timed the class very well, and also added five minutes extra on the end to fit in a little more sitting.

The class went VERY, VERY WELL!

As we finished and I chatted to the students, I was amazed as they thanked me for the class. You see, I’m still at the point in my teaching where I feel like thanking them for turning up! Hehehe!

And as I was packing and locking up (after a little impromptu private practice in the empty studio), I found myself both grinning and leaking tears.

I then spent most of the day feeling all joyous and smiley and just… in the zone. What zone is that, anyway??

Well. I think I’ve worked it out… as I taught, my mind wasn’t in charge of the words I was saying… instead, they were flowing from the heart!

This must be something experienced yoga teachers get used to, but I think it was really the very first time for me today. Or at least, the first time I really noticed it and let the flow just do its thing.

I feel so very blessed.

And today I’m going to visit my sweet little nieces. Have a fabulous day everyone!

~Svasti xo

Samskaras in samsara – part 2

Tags

Asana, Asatoma Sat Gamaya, Ayurveda, bandha, Brihadaranyaka Upanishad, dance, Deepak Chopra, duality, Karma, Krishna, Limitations, martial arts, Meditation, metaphysical, mula, non-dual reality, pranayama, psychoanalysis, Reality, Samsara, samskara, self-loathing, Shanti Path, Slim Calm Sexy, Swami Niranjananda Sawaswati, Tara Stiles, Wake up, Yoga, yogic philosophy, Yogis

I didn’t take this photo, but I’ve driven past this statue of Arjuna in Bali. It’s magnificent!

[Read part 1 first]

Okay, so enough with the psychoanalysis of our western self-loathing mind-set for a moment.

How about we go beyond the physical, to the metaphysical for a bit? Yeah?

Okay, so let’s take a tiny peek at some of the subtleties of yogic philosophy.

Note #1: I’m going to do my best to explain these rather complex concepts to you as passed down from my wonderful teachers. Of course, my understanding is still limited and imperfect but hey… I’ll give it a go. Also, there’s only so much I can pack into a single blog post!

Note #2: This is another long post. Try to hang in there!!

Samsara is considered to be this world of duality – the place where the universe can experience its Self as Other than its Self. ‘Nuff said about that for now…

And samskaras are deeply embedded patterns of energy within collective energy forms that manifest as individual human beings. “Pattern” being the key word here – a pattern comes from actions being repeated over and over again. And of course, the more often a pattern is repeated, the harder it is to change it. Kinda like a train running on the only tracks it’s got.

Samskara is a very peculiar thing. It is the library within a DNA molecule, containing everything that we have imbibed. One DNA molecule contains the total information of all of the libraries in the world combined. Samskaras are like that too. Samskaras are the inputs of volumes and volumes of books which we carry within us and which have been accumulating over millions of years. When these samskaras come to the surface of the mind, they are very powerful.
~From Yoga Darshan, Swami Niranjananda Sawaswati

A samskara then, is a thought or activity that’s become part of how the world appears to us. It can define our preferences, personality, understanding of other people and things. And with those definitions come limitations – what is subjectively true and what is not. However, limitations aren’t actually “bad”, not in the least.

In fact, they are key to our ability to exist in as humans where we all appear as separate entities, cut off from source/the universe/god etc. So, samskaras can be considered to be both useful (i.e. they comprise and make possible our limited view of the world) and problematic (when we can’t discriminate between our limited view and a wider view).

Still with me?

Limitations are a naturally occurring construct of this world and universe. They are part of how we function, our identity, why we have certain opinions and emotions and ideas. Our samskaras interact with karma (another much-maligned and misunderstood yogic concept) and form a filter through which we view “reality”. As we know, reality at this level is different for everyone, and far from the non-dual view the rishis and wisdom masters speak of. Hence, our diversity of opinions!

However, one of the true goals of yoga and serious yogis is to free ourselves from the limitations of the dual world, while simultaneously existing in both the dual and the non-dual. In fact, we can’t exist in the non-dual without duality, because then it wouldn’t be a non-dual reality – for the non-dual to be truly non-dual, it also has to encompass duality (hope that makes sense!).

Asatoma Sat Gamaya
Lead me from the unreal to the Real

Tamasoma Jyotir Gamaya
Lead me from the darkness to the Light

~Brihadaranyaka Upanishad

And so we yogis work to free ourselves from limited views through an intimate understanding of, and connection to our mind and body. The path to achieving this can include: asana, pranayama, mula, bandha, meditation, martial arts, dance, Ayurveda and so on. Usually, more than one of these methods is required to develop our mind-body awareness. Ultimately this MUST include long and deep hours of meditation (as opposed to say, fifteen minutes a day).

Freeing ourselves from limited views does not mean however, denying our anger or any other emotion. We need to go fully into the experience of being a human being in order to understand and liberate ourselves from the suffering of samsara. Because, how can you possibly be free of what you don’t understand?

As such, suppressing emotions or decrying other people’s anger as “un-yogic” is doing little more than keeping you stuck on those same train tracks, going around and around and around… and the more circuits of the train track you make, the harder it is to change. Get it?

It is tricky, because on the one hand we are here on this planet that exists in duality, and so we play by the rules of this world where interactions with people, our emotional states and experiences DO matter. But then, as we learn to drop into non-duality more and more (it comes in flashes or waves), we begin to see how much none of it really matters in the end. And things start to change as we begin to increasingly experience non-duality as our actual reality.

It can be both incredibly liberating and stupendously confusing at the same time…

And yet. We MUST learn to see the real from the unreal. This for me, is what makes the false and harmful messages about body image (burn that bra fat, minimise those wider-than-desired hips) so completely alarming.

Because it is being condoned not just by Tara Stiles (who, as a yogi with connections to Deepak Chopra should bloody well know better), but by so many other people involved in yoga.

The outcry in return seems to be all “don’t hate on Tara”, “don’t hate on anything we want to define as yoga” and “you people who are complaining are just simply un-yogic”.

BUT all of the folks in that camp – including Tara – are missing the glaringly obvious point here:

Yoga is about liberation from samskaras and the human condition of suffering. NOT about playing into and re-enforcing those patterns for ourselves and others. NOT about continuing to make people think there is something wrong about their physical appearance that needs to be fixed – this is a mass personal and cultural samskara and one that’s deeply embedded!!

This isn’t a personal attack on Tara or anyone else, but as my own Guru would say: WHERE IS YOUR MIND??

My criticism comes from asking: what kind of yogi supports messages that invoke deep-seated insecurities and self-esteem issues of others? From generating and confirming samskaras as real instead of limited thinking that one can learn to revoke?

This is not good work. And it is not yogic in the least. In fact, those in the yoga community who buy into this, saying that it’s all okay, are demonstrating minds that are still deeply embedded in their own samskaras, whatever they might be. Some things are NOT okay, especially coming from yogis.

Seriously, anyone who thinks Tara Stiles’ “Slim Calm Sexy” yoga is an okay way to market yoga to the uninitiated masses is not engaging in enough discernment or discriminate thinking. And those uninitiated masses? They probably spend most of their time feeling deeply unhappy and thinking self-loathing thoughts anyway, and don’t NEED anyone else to point it out to them!

Even as Tara et all are claiming “it doesn’t matter how people come to yoga” – and I’ll admit that’s generally true – in some ways it actually DOES. Because by pressing the self-esteem/physical appearance buttons you’re embedding those samskaras just a little more deeply than before and messing with someone’s appreciation of what yoga is all about. Who knows how much extra work – conscious and sub-consciously – will be involved in undoing all of that?

Basically, the Tara Stiles school of yoga marketing is unhealthy and unethical.

And as another teacher I’ve studied with would put it… WAKE UP!!

Or as I’d put it… WAKE (THE FUCK) UP!!

This is not a popularity contest where we have to be friends with everyone and accept everything that’s said about yoga, simply because we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

SO WAKE UP!!

Remember, Krishna was a warrior and he worked very hard to make Arjuna fight a battle. It’s not always about having the most friends, but about cutting through the crap and seeing clearly.

Lead me from the unreal to the freaking real, already!

~Svasti

Body image issues, yoga & Tara Stiles is a sell-out

Tags

abundant, anorexia, Asana, BlissChick, cheap shots, Giving, Intimacy, karma yoga, Mark Whitwell, marketing, Meditation, pranayama, Puja, regenerating, Self-esteem, sell out, seva, Slim Calm Sexy Yoga, Swami Satyananda, Tara Stiles, weight loss programs, Yoga, yoga nidra

Here’s the story of a very young girl…

One day, walking home from school this coltish lass felt so good about life and about herself. She thought she was beautiful and felt like a supermodel, convinced that she looked fantastic as she pranced along the sidewalk like it was some kind of fashion runway. It was an excellent ten minutes – the length of her walk home.

Coming in through the back door, she floated to the bathroom mirror to admire her magnificence. And she was heartbroken. There was not a prominent cheekbone or feline feature anywhere in sight. She looked NOTHING like the models in her Dolly and Cleo magazines. NOTHING.

And combined with her blonde and beautiful best friend that all the boys adored, and her brother’s daily taunts about her looks, she spent the rest of her life trying to see herself clearly. Which was difficult, because every time she looked in the mirror the words “not pretty” resonated somewhere in the back of her mind…

This is my story, but it’s also the story of numerous other young girls. From a ridiculously early age our lives are spent being compared to other women – by ourselves, others or both.

Unless we hit the gene-pool jackpot, most women start their lives feeling insecure and “not good enough”. Even then it sometimes isn’t enough! I mean, a girl I went to primary and high school with was pretty, blonde and built like a bird. She was also very good at athletics, competing at a state level. She was very popular, too, and went out with the hottest guy at school. And yet this girl who seemed to have everything STILL didn’t think she was good enough, and ended up with anorexia.

Our culture places so much value on physical appearance, academic or sporting prowess, instead of emotional maturity and openness. As such, many westerners have barely any connection to their bodies. There’s so much living in the head, divorced from the heart. We think too much, we’re reliant on external gratification and live in a highly visual world where beauty is given a very narrow definition.

Finding yoga

It’s no surprise then, that when I found yoga I felt very happy and relieved. Because I discovered yoga wasn’t about how I looked so much as how I felt. How my body and mind connect and who I am when I strip away fleeting things such as labels, my job, and physical appearance. Who am I when I close my eyes to meditate and the visible world melts away? And who are you?

So I practice yoga (including asana, pranayama, meditation, yoga nidra, puja and more) and I feel good about myself, no matter what anyone else thinks. In fact, I find I don’t CARE about what anyone else thinks. Because yoga opens my heart. It connects me to myself and to other people and it’s about LOVE. It doesn’t separate and segregate and it sure as hell isn’t about what size clothes I wear.

Yet still, I struggle on and off with body image/not good enough issues. I did a guest post about such things over on BlissChick’s blog.

Yoga helps me very much with such things, and it gets a little easier every day to look in the mirror and not instantly think I am repulsive looking. Most women have this to contend with in some way or another, no matter how they look.

Earlier this year I was fortunate enough to go to a Mark Whitwell workshop. Fortunate, not just because of the wonderful yoga he has to share, but because he is a dyed in the wool Mother Earth worshipping feminist. He gets it in a way many women never will, and certainly few men.

Mark writes things like this about yoga:

…Yoga is every person’s direct intimacy with reality, an entirely abundant, regenerating, and nurturing power. This is yoga from the heart, for the heart, and it promises health, intimacy, well-being, and joy…

One to one intimacy is as close and as necessary as your breath is to your body. In fact the practice of this inherent union of breath and body allows for the inherent union in all relatedness. It is an utter pleasure and unquestioned continuity with everything. It is Ha tha Yoga, “strength receiving.” Actual and natural, non obsessive practice.

Mark spreads love, positivity, empowerment and damn good yoga around the world. And he gives marvelous hugs. He’s very real and approachable. He makes yoga fun and doable for those who might think it’s not for them.

And then…

Yoga and women get betrayed – by a woman!

There are people out there who call themselves yogis, and take the most external aspects of the practice and market that as a weight loss program like some kind of meal replacement product! Unbelievably, this is being fronted by a woman!

Yes, Tara Stiles, I’m talking about YOU and your Slim Calm Sexy Yoga.

I recommend reading Linda-Sama’s post about Tara’s latest efforts. I agree with Linda whole-heartedly and I find myself enraged by Tara Stiles.

So much so that I wrote this tweet:

Imagine my surprise when I woke up this morning to discover that Tara had replied to that message with this piece of nonsense:

Wow. Just WOW. My reply to Tara was this (and then a whole lot more!)

I cannot tell you how frightening I find this approach to marketing yoga. Or rather, yoga-like movements that have been called yoga, but have nothing to do with the practice in any way…

Cheap shots. We’re talking cheap shots to the already fragile self-esteem most women have (and let’s face it, this is not being marketed to men!). Fired off by a so-called yogi to get people to buy her book. It makes me sick to my stomach.

I know a BUNCH of accomplished and deeply realised yogis who do NOT have a perfect body. They are not a size 00, and probably never were. You could not call them slim per se, and yet they are happy, wonderful, calm and sexy people. They are yogis with big, huge, juicy hearts and so much wisdom and compassion that you can’t help but feel better from spending time around them.

And we have wonderful men like Mark Whitwell teaching yoga in a way that’s accessible and beautiful, and more than anything, authentic and genuine.

Or brilliant yogis like Swami Satyananda who couldn’t give a flying f#ck about “Slim Calm Sexy Yoga”. Yeah, he was perfectly healthy right up until his death and look at that body! No ripped abs. No bulging biceps!

Then Tara Stiles decides to take advantage of the current fanaticism about weight loss using the name of yoga (but certainly not its philosophies) to line her pockets on the back of other women who already feel crappy about themselves. Nice way to align yourself with the sisterhood, Tara!

And nice way to sell out yoga and degrade its real benefits to those who don’t know any better.

Yoga = love = self-acceptance = giving

Just for once, I’d like to see famous yogis who are right into all this marketing business, using yoga to HELP this world. Help the planet and people in need.

I have no idea why there isn’t already an outpouring of yoga events put on purely as a benefit. I see it at a grassroots level, but not as big as something like Wanderlust for example. Imagine getting lots of wisdom masters to do dharma talks, meditation and asana practice FOR FREE. Yes, free! Anyone heard of a little thing called karma yoga or seva? Let the people pay to come and get the good stuff, and all of the profits GO DIRECTLY TO PEOPLE IN NEED.

Like the communities that lost their livelihood as a result of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill. Or the Haiti disaster. Or the floods in Pakistan. Or just people who live in your community and are about to be evicted. Or whatever!

Imagine that, can you? I can. Those who came along would benefit from real teachings that aren’t in any way about physical appearance. And the money would go to people who need it. Why? Simply because they are human beings, like everyone else.

Yoga is about GIVING. Not taking. That’s how I get my calm and my sexy. I don’t need no special book and unrealistic promises to deliver that…

**More on this topic by me**

A little less ranty, and a little more rational… 😉

• Samskaras in samsara – part 1
• Samskaras in samsara – part 2
• News from the anti-Slim, Calm, Sexy “Yoga” trenches
• it’s all yoga, baby’s top 15 yoga posts of 2010

~Svasti

**UPDATE 3rd August 2011** To all the people still reading this topic and leaving indignant comments:
Please look at the date of this post. It was a year ago. My anger about this is long gone, but I still disagree with Tara Stiles’ approach to yoga very much. So do a lot of other people, both yoga teachers and non-yoga teachers. Now, if you wanna call me rude, go ahead. I consider this a highly passionate post, fueled by anger for sure. But not rude. Or unyogic. Of course you’re welcome to your opinions as I am to mine, but no matter what you write in the comments I ain’t gonna change my mind. I’d never do a Tara Stiles yoga class. This woman also runs a highly questionable yoga teacher training program that I’d never do either. So there it is. Go ahead, be a Tara apologist. I won’t stop you. But do remember this topic is over a year old and all of the main players have moved on…

So what’s next, Universe? I don’t hear you so well these days…

Tags

AC joint, faintly drawn shadows, half-life, Happy Hour, Healing, leather couches, life raft, physio, pranayama, rehab, Shiraz, travelling gypsy insanity, Universe, Yoga teacher

Skewers of pain – the size and shape of knitting needles – seared the bones, joints and soft tissues of my shoulder, as I barely succeeded in not swearing at and/or punching my physio in the face. He left the AC joint alone last night and worked some other areas that clearly needed it… and yeah I know, rehab is a perfect opportunity to apply pranayama to the ‘real world’, although it actually isn’t such a peaceful experience when you’re being excruciatingly assaulted like that. Even if it is voluntary and part of the healing process. Yikes!!!

About the only thing I could think to do next was order a Happy Hour $2 glass of tasty Shiraz at the teensy little bar (which looks like it belongs in Europe and not downtown Prahran) with the fabulously quirky music, just half a block down the street. I wandered into its miniscule back room clutching my wine glass and a trashy escapist novel to sit in the booth with the red lighting and leather couches. Really, I just wish I knew what the heck the universe had in store for me other than this.

This… strange half-life I seem to be living. Alive, awake, mostly taking care of myself, socialising with people without really having a lot of close friends (at least not locally). Sometimes working and sometimes not. Almost a yoga teacher, but even that isn’t going to come easily, apparently (see below).

And then, some weird teasingly curious possibility. One that might not even come to pass. Yet there it is, whispering of its own strange potentiality from the other side of the world. Might as well be in another galaxy, really. Of course, it’s not even a definitely maybe situation. Only a possibly maybe one. And I don’t let myself hope (not yet), because it sounds vaguely like something I might really like and I’m superstitious like that. But more on that ONLY if anything actually comes into being beyond the current faintly drawn shadows.

It could mean more adventure, more change, more travelling gypsy insanity (which seems to sit very well with my constitution even if there’s a part of me that really wouldn’t mind settling down. Because another part of me just wriggles and laughs hysterically at the very idea!).

But the truth is, I don’t know! I can’t seem to make proper sense of my life, even though sometimes I feel like I’m heading in the right direction. I feel like I lost the really strong connection to my life’s path many years ago, and now I’m having trouble receiving those memos. Okay, sometimes they’re crystal clear and others… well, I feel like I’m on a life raft in the middle of an ocean and not even a speck of land in sight.

Perhaps that’s just where I’m meant to be right now? I figure it can’t always be like this (because it’s no place to really live a life), but it sure seems like I’ve been on this raft for quite a while now…

Last Saturday I was all excited about my first day as a real live yoga teacher, and about helping other people. People who can’t normally afford yoga classes and who actually, possibly need yoga more than others. Then, we all need yoga in my humble opinion (even if we don’t want it)!

So the night before, I packed the pannier bags of my bike, all full up with yoga mats.

And I get up early to run through my plans for the class. I cycle over and arrive EARLY (which is quite a spectacular thing for me to achieve).

And I expect them to be possibly a little bit late. But the joke is on me because no one arrives.

Despite the phone enquiries I’d received and the promotion of the classes through the social service agency network, NO ONE. Not a soul. Free yoga and no one wants it? Yeah, I’d heard my Guru speak about things like this. All those times when he offered free teachings and no one showed up…

I stayed for a while, going through my class plan again. Just for the practice and because well, perhaps someone would show up really late.

But no.

Thing is, I can’t say I wasn’t warned because I was. I knew this whole scheme of mine was a bit of a gamble. Most of the activities they run happen during the weekdays and in the 9-5 timeframe. But because I work (or plan to be working) those hours, I can’t commit to a daytime weekday gig.

I was warned that without social workers around to encourage them to go, it could be hard for them to manage to leave the house. And I get that. I’ve personally acquired a rather intimate understanding of depression and anxiety and the need to dig in right where you are – safe in your home.

I tried really hard not to feel bad about it. I didn’t take it personally or anything but I’ll admit my disappointment. There I was, finally ready to teach and… nothing. Haha! The universe and it’s games!

Also, I still have no job, although there’s a couple of prospects. But those prospects are taking a while to work through the process… There’s a little bit of temp work but not much, and I’m doing everything I can to save money, which means a bit of an empty social life!

Everything right now seems to be a struggle. Not in a depression, can’t get out of bed kind of way, but I really and truly feel rudderless. And I remember that for a long stretch of time in my life, that’s not how it was for me at all. I recall feeling innately alive and connected to the world and knowing very clearly what I should be doing and when. My intuition – although still doing okay sometimes these days – always used to be red hot. Always.

I really do feel stuck in a rut and I’m not quite sure just yet, how I’m gonna get out…

Good thing I’m going to this wonderful and FULLY SOLD OUT workshop (which I wisely paid for before I was out of a job) on Saturday, huh?

~Svasti

The Workshop of Love – part 2

Tags

AC/DC, anahata, Asana, bandha, bhakti, bhava, Dinacharya, Hanuman, indifference, Intimacy, Krishnamacharya, Love, Mark Whitwell, Mudra, pranayama, strength receiving, sun salutations, Surrender, Valentine’s Day, Yoga

Photo liberated from Mark's Facebook profile 🙂

[Read part 1 first]

…You are a flower blooming in your own garden. Your first form arrived as one cell known as the heart. A spark of Life, initiated by male female, giving and receiving union of opposites, the catalyst of nurturing, your spirit took form and the source became seen…

Soft hands, suggests Mark as he levered apart my fierce anjali mudra. Soft like the heart, he smiles. His crinkly eyes smile at me, too. Whoah, that right there is a hit of the bhakti that envelopes Mark and all in his immediate vicinity!

We perform a series of sun salutations and the bhava is feeling, sensing, with no mention of strict ideas about alignment. Instead its – feel it, breathe it, and flow with the practice. Mark talks through the principals of Strength Receiving as we move and asks us to do our practice: Without drama or strain.

The end of the first day is full of anticipation of the next. The first six hours have already been so intense, but in a good way. A day of questions and answers, of movement and breath and most definitely, of heart openings. The kind that cause me to melt. This state of openness takes a little getting used to (every time) because my first reaction is always to protect myself. But here we are, ripping our chests open like Hanuman. On purpose. It’s both frightening and utterly glorious.

…For some of you this practice is too much, for others it’s not challenging enough. This is one of the problems with generic yoga classes. You need to find YOUR yoga – the yoga that’s right for you…

…According to the great “teacher’s teacher” T. Krishnamacharya, yoga must be adapted to the individual, not the individual adapted to the style of yoga. For your yoga practice to be most fruitful, it must be in harmony with your body type, age, health, and even cultural background…

Ideas to ruminate over.

I walk up to Mark to thank him for the last six hours but I’m almost speechless. He grins at me and envelopes me in a huge and long-lasting bear hug. ‘Nuff said!

That night on the other side of town, a few of us head out for dinner just down the road from Nadine’s apartment. But not Mark, who instead went with a friend to see AC/DC in concert. Yup, that’s right; he’s a rocker-yogi! Gotta love that!

Sunday afternoon – Valentine’s Day – we started the session with thoughts of a personalised practice, more questions and answers.

Having a yoga practice that is “mine”, and personalised to my body and needs is such an interesting concept. Especially when compared to the mass-market cookie-cutter approach of some of the stuff being sold as yoga out there.

I suspect that one of the reasons I was intimidated by yoga for a while there (many years ago now), is that I didn’t realise I could make it my own in this way, y’know? And then last year while doing yoga teacher training, I understood that on some level but still, no one ever said that explicitly and out loud!

But it makes so much sense! Bodies come in all shapes and sizes, and with all levels of mobility. The idea that you need to be flexible or picture perfect, or doing advanced poses to do yoga, is false.

I mean, some people report that they look around a class and find their competitive nature flaring up. Which can cause an attitude of feeling less than other people, OR feeling superior. Both are out of balance. Or perhaps a person will push themselves beyond their current capabilities in competition with themselves, which can easily result in injury. And despite what Mr Choudry might say, competition is not yoga!

Mark spoke about the male/female imbalance prevalent in most yoga classes (and by extension, in our communities). There are so many women in yoga classes, but hardly any men! And how that has to change if we’re going to make positive changes in the world. Generally speaking, men need to work at being more open and receptive, and women need to acknowledge their own power. Yoga is very good at helping people regain their balance in these ways. The surrender of Strength Receiving is both internal (from our Self, to our Self), as well as to between our Self and other people in our day to day lives.

And now that I think about it, “surrender” is a big part of the experience of feeling anahata chakra cracking open. The only way to co-exist with that state is to surrender! Essentially, indifference is a disorder of the heart.

One of Mark’s key teachings is around intimacy – with your Self, your body, your breath and your mind. And coming to terms with this concept as a part of my experience of yoga was interesting. I mean, my entire family for generations on both sides have shown no skill with expressing intimacy. It’s a long held, DNA-deep pattern, so how do you get better at intimacy when your natural pattern is to not really let people in? The answer of course, is that you have to start with yourself. And you have to give it a red hot go!

In yoga there’s a bunch of ways to do this – asana, pranayama, mudra, bandha, dinacharya, food etc. Intimacy with the self involves developing a sensitivity and awareness internally and externally and is therefore, inherently physical and sensate.

True intimacy isn’t about getting naked – although there’s nothing wrong with that! Instead, it is a quality that allows us to see, feel, know and realise in a very tangible way that we are but one heart, one organism, interconnected even as we appear separate.

Intimacy really starts to make sense within the context of yoga, as you move through your practice and use the breath to stay completely aware, moment to moment. The trick is that to really understand that, you have to do your practice and keep doing it!

Then you can extend what you’ve learned about yourself to how you deal with others. At least that’s the theory I’m working with so far…

…The ancient wisdom of yoga teaches that Life is already given to you, you are completely loved, you are here now. It teaches that we are not separate, cannot be separate from nature, which sustains us in a vast interdependence with everything…

It is true that we don’t have to go anywhere, or seek anything outside of ourselves in order to realise we are one and the same as god. However, I do think that for many people this message is too simple to accept. I know that twenty years ago, perhaps even only ten years ago I would not have been okay with that. Sometimes I think it takes lots of searching in order to realise there’s nowhere to go…

[Read part 3]

~Svasti

P.S. Once again, all quotes are from Mark Whitwell – things he said, his book and/or his Facebook status updates.