Tall tales and lessons from the mattress

Tags

mattresses, Procrastination, sore back, tall tales, Truth, Yoga

Oh, I used to tell myself, I’ve always had a bit of a sore lower back.

Yep, I’d nod to myself, it must be this whole getting older that’s causing me to wake up most mornings with a sore back. On those days, I’d just better jump out of bed and into a yoga pose or two. That’ll fix it! (It does, of course)

For sure, I’d remark to my reflection in the mirror, I’m not sleeping so well and that’s because of stress/Hashimoto’s/my sore back.

Uh huh.

Tall tales, people. We tell ourselves all kinds of things that we’re sure we know are the truth, right?

But we can be mistaken.

Two Saturdays ago, I woke up with an aching back (again), determined to do something I’d failed to do for the past THREE YEARS: go and buy a new mattress to replace my 12+ years old one.

There’d been dozens of reasons that I’d put it off.

Like… Mattresses are expensive, after all. My current one is okay, isn’t it? I don’t have time. I don’t have the money. I’ll just put up with the one I’ve got a little longer…!!!

Until two Saturdays ago. I charged into a mattress store, determined to find a solution even though I still didn’t really have a lot of money to throw around.

I lay down on a few different styles until I made contact with one that made me proclaim: well, this is different!

And I discovered that the store had one of those interest free payment plan deals (cheaper than whacking it on your credit card!).

Within twenty minutes, I’d bought a new mattress. Finally. After years of procrastination.

A week later, it was delivered.

The very next morning?

I woke up without a sore back for the first time in F-O-R-E-V-E-R.

I also noticed that I’d woken up a few times during the night. Not because I was uncomfortable; it’s just that I was used to having to re-position myself to get comfortable  over and over again throughout the night. I’ll have to re-train myself not to do that any more!

Guess what? This habit borne of discomfort, was disturbing my sleep!

Since then, I’ve been spending as much quality time as I can in my new bed, almost crying in relief at the difference it’s making to my life.

That place where I rest my body and mind for eight hours a day? It is now Awesome to the Power of 100.

And the lessons I learned from my new mattress (which can also apply to almost any life circumstances/situation) are as follows:

• It was well worth the effort to track down a quality new bed.
• Amazingly, finance options that work for you are usually available these days if you can’t pay cash.
• Stuff that’s happening in your life that you think is being caused by certain things – that might not be true and you don’t even know because you haven’t looked hard enough.
• It’s worthwhile refreshing/renewing/shaking up all of the important things in your life, on a regular basis.

This also brings to mind the time when I really, really needed help with PTSD. I sort of knew I needed help, but I didn’t know what kind and I was hesitant to find out because I thought I couldn’t afford it. So I just didn’t get any for years. In the end, this was not to my benefit.

Then, when I was getting sick last year and falling into a horrible depression, I told myself it was “just” PTSD re-surfacing. But in fact, what was going on was that I was physically ill with an out of control auto-immune disorder that was wreaking havoc in my body.

Some things, they just aren’t meant to be skimped on.

Like a really good supportive mattress, or your physical/mental/emotional health.

And there’s always a way to get what you need, but you’ve gotta get out there and investigate the options!

On that note, I’m pretty sure it’s time for me to once again marvel at the wonders of my amazing new bed. 🙂

Wishing you joyful states of rest and the right kind of care for your body and mind.

~Svasti

xx

11 things I just don’t need #reverb10

Tags

#reverb10, Acupuncture, Anxiety attacks, Courage, Cycling, Fear of rejection, Grief, Kinesiology, Procrastination, rampant consumerism, squatter’s rights

What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?
~ December 11 prompt

1. Clinging to the past
   Bah! That past stuff, whether it’s limiting self-beliefs, traumatic events or anything else that’s been holding me back. Can’t say divesting myself of these ghosts will be easy but I’m prepared to keep at it. In my arsenal is kinesiology, acupuncture, cycling and of course, yoga (both as a student and a teacher).
   This year has proven that these things get results. Next year I’m keeping steady on my course with this work…
2. Fear of rejection
   My basic assumption is that no one but NO ONE could be looking at me. Not in that way. I’ll happily play a gauche game of eye contact hockey with a cute guy across a room (which actually happened just last week), but I completely fail when it comes to having the courage to just say “hi”. Lame. Gotta get my courage on!
3. That extra 10kg I’m wearing
   Not quite as slinky as a silk negligee but more intimately involved with my body… that layer of grief and sadness I’ve been hauling around, well that HAS to go. So I’ll be upping my daily quotient of sun salutes (which are awesome for the metabolism and digestion) and trying my hand once again at a little interval jogging.
4. Debts
   I’ve already covered this one I believe…
5. Grief
   I know it might be asking a little much, and I’m not too sure if there’s anything I can do about it. I’m thinking it’s up to the universe really… but I’d just LOVE a break from the grief. Fuck, it’s been five long years of hauling my ass out of desperate times and a whole twelve months without any fresh crap would be such a relief.
6. Procrastination
   Aren’t we all acquainted with procrastination? Do we all intend to do something about it? When did I pencil that in to my diary again?? 😉
   Seriously though, I’ve learned the only way to deal with putting things off is to do them right away. Of course, that’s not always possible but ya gotta try, right?
7. Anxiety attacks
   Gargh! If you’re not too clear on what happens when someone has an anxiety attack, it can often result in horrible chest pains, a racing heartbeat and feelings of doom and despair. They last for hours or days, and often arrive with no warning. In my case, they most often happen when I’m really stressed.
   I’ve had so many of them now that I almost roll my eyes when the symptoms appear. Not that it lessens their intensity, but at least I know what they are now.
   I think this will be one of the things I work on with my kinesiology appointments in the new year. Otherwise, I’m not sure how to fix my stress reaction (which appears to be somewhat broken).
8. Excess possessions
   I’m pretty much on a mission to get rid of all the stuff with squatter’s rights at my place that I don’t absolutely need. It goes hand in hand with my plan to abscond from the western world of rampant consumerism. I’ll be working room by room and getting ruthless, then employing the likes of eBay, Gumtree, charity bins and maybe even garage sales. It’s all gotta go!
9. Foods I eat that I KNOW don’t work for me
   I don’t believe I have any really serious food allergies as such, but I do know that eating wheat causes me to feel bloated and tight in the belly. Almost like I’m so full that I might burst. It’s an uncomfortable feeling. Cheese is another one that doesn’t seem to go down well once I’ve eaten it (oh, beautiful blue cheese and brie!!).
   Really, if I’m serious about treating myself with more respect, then I’ll pay attention to this before I do end up with food allergies!
10. Staying up late
    This is one of my all-time love-hate things I do to myself. I know I don’t cope with getting up early unless I’ve had a full eight hours sleep. I also know that I LIKE to get up early to fit some yoga in before work. Being a pitta-kappha constitution, early mornings also work better for my mind. And yet, I’ll sit up late regardless and get by on seven or even six hours sleep. By Friday night, I’m exhausted and over-sleep on the weekends if I can get away with it.
    None of this is what you’d describe as productive. In fact, I wrote most of this post in the shadows of the midnight hour. Doh!
    Part of resolving this one is managing my time better in the evenings. Going out less during the week, spending less time mooching about on my laptop and taking a stronger commitment to doing the right thing by my body and mind.
11. My hermit tendencies
    Honestly, I’m concerned that I spend too much time alone. I like my own company and how stress-free alone time is. But I could do with a little balance in that department. I figure though, that if I keep my teaching work going then I’ll naturally be involved with more people. Dunno what else I’m gonna do about it. Kirtan is my main social activity other than teaching yoga. Should I join another social group? Hmmm…

~Svasti

Monday satay scoreboard #reverb10

Tags

#reverb10, bird’s eye view, confluence of flow, Consolidation, Depression, everyday writing practice, grime-laden details, harmony, let go, loyal, oga teacher, One word, People, Procrastination, PTSD, Re-birth, Return, rivulets, satay sauce, slithery fear, way-back machine, writer’s constipation, Writing

Monday’s got a couple of points on me so far today. Let’s just say loose lids leak satay sauce on the inside of one’s fridge, absorbing precious get-ready-for-work time. Also, ninety minutes of down-time can be achieved at work by some kind of mysterious power board/circuit-thingy outage, taking down monitors and destroying any kind of first day of the week productivity.

But now (mwahaha!), I’m determined to score a couple of runs for MY side! So y’all will be pleased to know I’ve jumped in the way-back machine to address not one but THREE #reverb10 prompts that I missed earlier this month (not necessarily in order, of course). Huzzah! I think I win now, okay Monday?

One word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
~ December 1 prompt

Some people have this ability to envisage their coming year and then sum it up in carefully chosen inspirational words. I’m not one of those people, folks!

My Januaries all look a little bit like that first part where you’ve landed in a new country and you’ve just left the airport. I’m not yet oriented to my surroundings in any meaningful way, and all I see are the grime-laden details: the much-in-need-of-maintenance lawns and gardens; wow, there seems to be a LOT of stray dogs around here; hey, who knew car horns could be used like that; someone still hasn’t taken their trash out (but it must’ve been an awesome party!).

While the stamps on my passport show where I’ve been, if I’m very lucky then there might also be a visa or two confirming a couple of bright lights in the distance: a rough outline of places I’m heading and things I’ll be doing.

But as for a bird’s eye view of the upcoming landscape, forget about it. I’m as clueless as a baby. I mean, I didn’t even know I was going to be a yoga teacher til half-way through last year, and that was after I’d been doing the course for six months!

However, I’m pretty good at the retrospective. Hoo-yeah! So, as we near the ass-end of the year I can name the word that illustrates my 2010 with stunning precision: Consolidation.

Last year (2009) was the year of Return, or perhaps Re-birth. This year with my newly acquired status as a yoga teacher, and someone who has pretty much conquered (so it seems) her PTSD flashbacks, and with her depression on a very tight and well managed leash… I’ve begun to feel stronger.

Like a human being who possibly has a future, with things to dream about that might actually happen. Honestly, I can’t explain how astonishing that feels.

As for this time next year and what I’d like my word for 2011 to be, see paragraphs 1-4 above.

Although just to take a punt, let’s go with: En-route.

::

Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?
~ December 2 prompt

Besides my old friend Procrastination (and yours too, probably)… overwhelm is the main issue with establishing an everyday writing practice. It manifests sneakily in a range of distractions – too tired, too lazy, too busy, etc, etc – but underneath it all is that slithery fear of too much information.

Sometimes I just don’t want to process stuff by writing about it. Sometimes that makes me feel tired, if you know what I mean? It feels like I’m getting too stuck in my head and a better alternative might be to go for a walk, y’know?

Problem is that if I don’t write frequently enough I get a little case of writer’s constipation going on. The works get all backed up with words unwritten and while there’s plenty to say, the words no longer flow freely.

So I think if I can be disciplined enough to write a few paragraphs a day, I’ll strike a balance there. It’s not like they all have to get published or anything (good god, no! You don’t want to see some of the shite that ends up in my writing files!). But just to y’know, keep the plumbing in good working order, I think I just need to get it down.

And that’s my plan!

::

Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?
~ December 5 prompt

People in both my online and real life lives. People who weren’t for one reason or another, quite the right fit.

Something you should know about me is this: generally I’m one of the most loyal hard-to-shake friends you can imagine. Smack me down a few times and even then I’ll stick by you. If I call you friend, you can expect me to remember your birthday even if you don’t remember mine. I’ll go to battle on your behalf if required, all guns blazing!

And yet, this year I’ve begun noticing my own energy levels more clearly. For whatever reason some people are much more of a drain than others, and not just once but every time we interact.

Had a disagreement with a friend in the first half of this year and we didn’t talk for a few weeks. But I only noticed that towards tail-end of it all and I thought, Well, I actually haven’t missed spending time with her.

So the people I’ve let go of this year are those that aren’t in harmony with where I’m at and probably where I’m going. It’s not about fault or finger pointing, not at all.

Like leaves floating down a stream, we might find ourselves travelling down same or separate rivulets. Maybe later we’ll find a confluence of flow that draws us back into each other’s spheres. And maybe then, we’ll meet and smile at each other and say, how nice to find you in this space and time. Gimme a hug!

Then, maybe it’s not so much people I’m letting go of, as it is holding on to old patterns that include certain ways of interacting with others in my life.

And my wish for myself and others is for old hurts to be washed away so that when we do meet again, it’s as if it’s for the first time.

::

~ Svasti

Dragging my heels

Tags

Anxiety, Assault, Confusion, Courage, Fear, Memory loss, Procrastination, Trauma, Violence

I admit it, I’ve been putting off my next post – which is not this one.

Ever since I decided my next post would be about the actual assault and not the direct aftermath or any of the myriad of related topics… I’ve found many reasons for not sitting down to write in more detail about the night that brought drastic changes to my life.

The two strong contributing factors are confusion and fear.

Speaking on behalf of my confusion – I actually don’t remember that night too well. Not the part of the night that’s “pre-assault” anyway. Well, that’s not entirely true. I do recall that Andre was coming over to drop off money I was owed and that he stayed for dinner. I vibrantly recall that I made pumpkin soup for dinner. Really great pumpkin soup actually. I remember that he played some guitar for me (he is a jazz/blues musician). And branded on my brain is the moment everything turned bad.

But after that… its not entirely clear. The order that things happened in. The exact chain of events. How I ended up standing so close to him that he could – without me seeing his arm move – punch me in the face.

Its a ghostly memory of a movie. One you’ve seen before and sort of know the details. But when you watch the movie again, everything comes back to you. And so I know what’s waiting for me.

As for fear – the twisting and churning of my stomach as I draw those memories up from their hidey hole is sickening. I feel my internal temperature rise, the skin tightening in my body and face, and the definite sensation of wishing I could throw up even though I don’t have the urge in any way. The tears well, and my eyeballs sting.

It was much easier to write about the direct aftermath – what happened after he finally left. Why? Well, time slowed down. I was living microsecond to microsecond. Everything moment was enhanced by the fear, the shaking, the crying and the pain. In some ways, perhaps this too, has played a part in sending the ‘just before’ memories into the background?

Despite all this, I’m determined to write this story. I need to write it. To get it out. I’m at a loss in terms of where to start, but I know that to find the words, I need to journey further. Deeper.

The creative urge and desire for truth to come out are ready to go. Its just my courage that’s having a few issues here. But its coming…

~Svasti