A forked road

Tags

choosing healing, demarcation point, fork in the road, Grief, Healing, PTSD, Sorrow, Trauma, Wisdom

One of the truest things I know is this:

Wisdom comes at a price

It isn’t cheap or easy, and the whole getting of wisdom process itself? It sucks. Until it stops sucking, and by then the wisdom is deeply ingrained.

So much so that it doesn’t really feel like one has learned anything at all.

This was true for me. Until of course, I found myself observing the experiences of others.

It doesn’t matter how similar/dissimilar their experiences are to mine. It’s all around us, all the time: the world is in deep, deep pain. Sometimes, that pain gets tipped over into terror and agony. This is what I’m talking about.

Lately I’ve seen friends and acquaintances alike going through some heart-rendingly painful experiences. Seems to be a lot of this going around at the moment (blame the supposed end of the world perhaps – which is really just a massive energetic shift of consciousness).

These days, I find that suddenly I know what to say or do. How to help. Well, sort of.

I still have that horrible sense of helplessness, even though I know how it feels from the inside out. There’s only so much someone can do.

I really hate that.

I wish I could rip open my own soul so I can put my battle scars on display. So you really can know that I really, really do get it.

Regardless of my ability to express this, I do understand. Intimately so. And I see and feel the sorrow, trauma or grief of others and I silently weep in sadness because I not only know roughly where they’re at; I also know what’s coming.

Holy Shiva, how well I remember those first steps on the path of incomprehensible loss…

I remember trying to make sense of it all and that NOTHING made sense, no matter what.

I remember how long it took before I realised that actually, nothing WAS making sense!

It took even longer than that to realise there was truly a way out. That feeling good again was even feasible or desirable or something that could happen to me.

As awful as it is while you’re still in the bleeding-and-wounded phase of those experiences, at some stage there’s a fork in the road.

A very clearly marked demarcation point

1. Continue down the path of total and complete utter-fucked-up-ed-ness.

OR

2. Get really sick of the path of total and complete utter-fucked-up-ed-ness and decide that enough is enough.

Of course, the first path eventually leads to the second. However, the time frame on that is different for everyone. For some people, it can take their entire life. Others pass from this world before they get there.

THAT’S how hard this shit is to get through.

The second path? Choosing that one… is just the beginning of the process of healing. Which, it should be said is an absolute bastard of a thing to do.

Because real healing requires in-depth levels of honestly – with yourself, about yourself, about how you relate to everyone else in your life. It requires real change.

Eventually, this second path leads to bone-deep wisdom. Life lessons you’ll find are applicable across all kinds of situations, times and places.

The other thing? This becomes an ongoing path for the rest of your life. Once you step onto that fork in the road, you’re wisdom-bound. Yes, you’ve paid a ridiculously high price. Yes you have.

But in choosing healing, or even in choosing being utterly fed up by feeling like crap… you’re on the path to a deep understanding of yourself, of life, of what makes being alive worthwhile. Despite all the horrors life has thrown your way.

I guess what I’m saying is that when ready, you WILL get there in the end.

But the road is long and so it really isn’t worth looking too far ahead. Way better to focus on where you’re at right now.

And keep an eye out for that fork.

~ Svasti xxx

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Talking about healing is hard to get right

Tags

Dealing With Your Shit, healing process, life changing events, Light Up Your Life ecourse, Nadine Fawell, PTSD, Trauma

Whenever I read what people have to say about healing – or even if I’m the one doing the writing – I always think it never really comes out right.

For those who’ve never experienced life changing events from which serious healing is required, I suspect the sheer scale of what’s been achieved by those who’ve bravely faced their personal wounds… is highly misunderstood and/or under-rated.

Even just a few years later, the worst of those wounded or healing years can take on a dreamy quality. It can be difficult to recall properly because honestly, don’t we all want to forget?

Then, for those who ARE wounded at that deep soul level and are pre or mid-healing?

Reading accounts of people who’ve made a full recovery can sound implausible.

Like…are they just making this shit up?

We wonder: can people really overcome PTSD, sexual abuse, depression etc…and not *just* cope, but come out the other side, thriving? Happy? Fulfilled? Living a better life in spite of it all?

I reckon there’s this underlying idea that if you can truly recover from a terrible situation, it can’t ever have been THAT bad in the first place. And if it really is that bad, well then you can NEVER truly recover.

As if serious tragedy is permanent and unrelenting and that once you’re broken, you’re always broken.

Sound familiar? For sure, it can feel that way. For years, even. It’s how I felt, too.

We judge ourselves like this and others as well. Quite unintentionally for the most part, I think. Even now, the worst of my healing process feels like it happened to someone else, or as though it couldn’t have been “that bad”.

But then I read through some of the archives on this here blog and realise that HECK YES, it was exactly that awful, and ugly, dark, scary, hard, and difficult.

For most of my healing journey I was alone. Desperately, sadly alone. And going through it all quite blindly. What I wouldn’t have given for a guide!

Unfortunately there was very little in the way of support groups or appropriate assistance for someone like me who didn’t fall into any particular pigeonhole.

But guess what?

A guide to help your through the darkness now exists!

My friend – and fellow yoga teacher and survivor – Nadine Fawell, has written a book, which turned into an ecourse: “Light Up Your Life” (starting January 14th 2013).

Nadine’s taken her hard-won wisdom – earned via healing a traumatic past that includes sexual abuse as a child – to become a kick-ass woman that I’m proud to know. She’s strong, funny, and running an inspirational yoga business. Doing the work she loves and making a living from it.

Recently Nadine gave me a sneak peak at the Light Up Your Life course, and I think its something that’s very much needed in our world.

There’s nothing like a helping hand from someone who’s been through the worst that life has to offer, as opposed to a well-meaning therapist who might never have faced adversity of any kind.

It’s a bit like imagining what its like to visit a certain country, versus getting advice from someone who knows that country well. Even better? Is advice from someone whose lived there, right?

Horrible life experiences are horrible

As I’ve written before, there should be no judgement on the size or relative importance of the event(s) that have brought you to your knees.

If you’re suffering or life is getting increasingly difficult to manage…then you have a choice to make: do something about it or keep going the way you are.

And if you choose to do something about it?

You’re already waking up to the beginnings of your future strength. For, taking actions to heal your life will make you stronger, even if you feel weak while you’re going through it.

I wish I knew why it works that way, incidentally!

So, do you need a hand with your healing process? From a local?

Both Nadine and I are super-duper locals in the realm known as Dealing With Your Shit.

Whereas my ebook will be support for people who are still going through the worst parts, Nadine’s book and ecourse are for people who’ve started to pull themselves out of the mire and are ready to work on making their lives awesome.

Nadine uses the metaphor of dusk-night-dawn-daylight to help step you through various phases of self reflection and of course, yoga and lots of powerful insights on supporting your life through the changes you’ll be taking on.

As Nadine says herself, Light Up Your Life is:

a more sophisticated version of the Two Words Project, helping you get clear on the life you want to create by finding your intrinsic motivation.

I’ve been using the Two Words Project this year and let me tell you, it’s been powerful! My posts to date on Two Words are here, and I’ll be writing a couple more before the year is through.

Essentially, if you’re ready to step up and make some possibly challenging, but very positive change in your life…then Nadine’s Light Up Your Life course is an excellent place to start.

In terms of timing, the course starts January 14th 2013, just in time to set yourself up for an excellent year!

Early bird offer!

Like many lovely yogis I know, Nadine is a super-generous person. So of course, there’s an early bird rate:

$99 for four weeks of super-reflective and nourishing course materials

That’s about $25 a week! Total bargain, right?

The full price for the course is $129.

Still pretty affordable but you might as well get the early bird rate.

Sound good? Awesome!

Then read more about it and sign up over here!

I’ll be a part of the course, too.

Let me know if you’re joining us!

~ Svasti xxx

An ode to Snake Gully

Tags

confident, courageous, hiking, Nature, paths, pathways and patterns, powerful, PTSD, repeatable experiences, self-assured, Snake Gully, thrive, Trauma, waterfalls, you can’t ever go back

The place I went to for my writing retreat? I used to come up here maybe once or twice a year. More often whenever I could.

It was easier when I lived in Sydney because once I moved to Melbourne, I had a cat. As all pet owners know, you can’t just pick up and take off any time you like. So there was that.

Then I got PTSD and although this magical home of my friends was the perfect place for me to recover, I simply shut myself up in my own home. Anything else was too scary.

I still saw them when they came to Melbourne but I didn’t make it back up this way much. And then I gave up car ownership, which made it even harder to take a spontaneous road trip…

Anyway, back when I was a frequent traveller to this part of the world, we’d take many trips down Snake Gully. Which is on my friend’s property – just start following the creek to the south-east and keep on going.

Snake Gully is the sort of place where, if you’re sensitive to and aware of nature-type energies then you’d better bloody well ask for permission to walk the land. If you’re not, then you’d better just be respectful and watch where you’re walking.

Because the land, river and surrounds that comprise Snake Gully, are truly alive. It’s a place of magic, power and wildness.

So for the first walk of my writing retreat, I returned to the Gully.

My method of speaking with nature has changed: these days I can’t help but turn such things into songs. Wordless songs or chants, it doesn’t matter. As long as it comes from the heart and I can feel the boundaries of the world shifting in response, then it’s all good.

Traversing the Gully and its numerous waterfalls, I noticed the message I was being given and it took me back to a lament I used to have when in the midst of living with trauma:

There’s no going back!! I used to angrily repeat to myself over and over.

There’s no going back to how things were. I’m not the person I was before I was assaulted, damn it. I can’t even remember who I used to be…

You see, there’s this absolute anguish around not being able to return to a place or time or experience we used to have. It’s part of what makes grief so terrible. We think of not being able to go back as a very, very bad thing.

BUT. Snake Gully told me this as I criss-crossed the creek and scampered over rocks:

You can’t climb down me and then go back up in exactly the same way. There’s no set path. There’s actually no right or wrong way to go. As long as you can see where it’s safe to walk, then it’s fine.

My paths don’t look the same from below as they do above. Some paths are visible; others are not. You might need to take the steep path up and away from the creek for a while because from where you stand, there’s no obvious way through.

There might be some hints of what move to make next, but there’s no guarantee. You have to try it out for yourself and see if the ground is solid/unslippery enough for you to pass. And when you return, good luck finding your original path! Take the route that makes sense and don’t worry about the rest.

Our western world is all about making experiences repeatable.

Same, same. NO different.

We build our cities on grids so it’s harder to get lost. We signpost everything. We create franchises and malls that look alike the world over. We grow up thinking we can do the same things we’ve always done and the way we’ve always done them. And most of us do just that.

Part of the distress of trauma and PTSD is that it destroys what was. ALL the pathways you knew are gone. All the experiences of life as safe and happy. There’s nowhere to turn, no safe haven (or so it seems for the longest time).

This is part of what breaks us: we think we need this sameness to function and without it, we’re lost.

The process of healing has taught me that you really can’t ever go back and damn it, I don’t WANT to anymore.

Whoever I was before, that version of me is nowhere near as powerful, self-assured, confident and courageous as the person I am now.

So, we learn to function without our previous pathways and patterns. We find new ones and we see that yes, we can get by.

Actually, we don’t just get by. We thrive. And see that change is a good thing, even on an everyday basis.

Change doesn’t matter in the end because when the previous layer or path is peeled away, there’s always something else just waiting for us.

~ Svasti

I’m off on a writing retreat!

Tags

Albury, Awayyyy, bushland, Charlotte Almond, ebook, faeries, kangaroos, koalas, lizards, nature sprites, PTSD, snakes, tea sipping, Trauma, wombats, Writing, writing retreat, Yoga

See this?

This gorgeous, rustic building is up a hill (accessible via 4WD only), in the middle of nowhere-ville. Okay, so it’s actually a few hours east of Albury.

Wild animals (wombats, snakes, lizards, koalas, kangaroos etc) live there. So do faeries and nature sprites (for realz, I’ve encountered them before!).

For ages and ages, I’ve been trying to get at least one book out of my head. Y’see, there’s a couple of ’em living up there at the moment… but it’s not always easy to do that kind of work when you’re distracted by your crazy busy everyday life.

A while back, The Divine Ms N sent out an email to her Yoga Mafia (read: newsletter subscribers!) with a super-generous offer from one of her contacts – a limited number of exceptionally affordable life coaching sessions.

Soon as I saw the offer I jumped right on it. JUMPED, I tell you. Because as I’ve alluded to already, there’s a few Really Big (Positive) Things going on for me. It’s all quite exciting and overwhelming, and I knew this offer of life coaching sessions had my name all over it.

Which is how I came to meet Charlotte Almond, who is an extremely lovely and canny lady. I can highly recommend her services, and will write more about her soon enough.

Together we worked through some of my Really Big Things, but also, laid down some powerful and practical steps I could take towards my Excellently Awesome Future Life Plans.

One of those steps is writing my ebook! It’ll be practical advice for those who are trying to recover from PTSD/trauma. Because trauma’s a bitch, recovery is freakin’ tough AND there really isn’t enough out there by folks who’ve been through it all.

And I can write this now, since I’m no longer in trauma myself!

However, to really be able to write down the bones of it all, I need to get outta town. Awayyyyy from my hectic job. Awayyyy from my home, which is comfortably hermit-like and filled with books I like to read etc etc. Awayyyyy even, from the internet and Facebook and Twitter (*ahem* says the digital media addict).

Anyhow, I was hunting for a place to get awayyyyy to. And I’d sort of forgotten that my friends (whom I haven’t seen in years) have this retreat space on their beautiful virgin bushland property. Up a hill in the middle of nowhere.

It was only when I posted a Facebook status asking for recommendations of cheap get-away places that my friends said, Ummmm, what about our place?

DOH!

Maybe because it’d been so many years between visits (I don’t have a car now and their place really is in the middle of nowhere), I simply didn’t think it was polite to ask. Also, I suppose there’s a part of me that’s become so used to being self-sufficient that I’m not accustomed to people being this generous with me. Even when they are, a lot. I don’t expect it, I guess.

However in a subsequent phone call, I was told very plainly that I don’t even need to call ahead. Just turn up. There’s always a place for me.

Wow, right? I have some awesome friends.

So I’ll be away for the next week. Living in an octagon-shaped room with a view of nothing but trees and enveloped in the sounds of nature. Doing yoga, eating whole foods, drinking copious amounts of tea and writing like a woman on a mission. Which I am.

Have to confess that I’m a touch nervous about it all, because writing this book will require some digging and re-visiting. But I’m strong and well now, and it’s all for a good cause. There might, however, be vomit. And tears.

When I return, there’ll be a mountain of editing to do. Then finding a designer to make it look pretty, and putting it all together. But how exciting to crow-bar all those words from my over-crowded brain, huh?

Also: a lil Spring clean!

So in case you’re looking at this post in an RSS reader or via email, I’ve just neatened up the blog. In the southern hemisphere, we’re on the verge of Spring, so a spring clean is appropriate: I’ve applied a fresh new template, tidied up my left hand column and so on. I’m loving the new look!

Enjoy your week, and I’ll check in on the flip side.

Wishing you all lots of creative inspiration!

~Svasti xxx

Other posts inspired by my retreat

• Writing retreat report: I’m back!
• An ode to Snake Gully
• Writing a book is a topsy-turvy thing
• Life lessons from managing a fireplace
• Waterfalls sound like the Universe

I. Am. Out. Of. Trauma.

Tags

Depression, Enter your zip code here, Healing, I Am Out Of Trauma, Kinesiology, PTSD, Trauma

Yes. Yes, I am.

And I need to tell you about this because trauma’s a tricky little bastard who likes to make you think he’s permanently in your life.

Let me tell you: when you’re dealing with PTSD, you think its forever. It sure feels like forever. I really DID think it would in fact, be forever.

And yet.

I. Am. Out. Of. Trauma.

Truly. I’ve tears of gratitude and happiness and just the most GIGANTIC sense of relief and release flowing forth from every pore of my being. Because I know this now, and I know it deeply. Irrevocably.

But it’s not like I woke up one morning with a blinding flash of realisation – THAT I AM HEALED! No one sent me a telegram or email with said announcement, either.

Yet, I am out of trauma. I really, really am.

It makes me smile the broadest smile I can manage with this face that I was born with.

Cumulatively, I know this is true. Piece by piece, as I’ve reclaimed all of the forgotten broken parts of who I am.

And instantly I know this, too. In retrospect, anyway.

Last weekend I knew this most definitely, in my kinesiology session, where my kinesiologist Amanda, said this: You’re no longer in trauma. Life and these sessions are now about what’s next instead of what has been.

She said that and I knew it to be true. And I remembered all of the sessions. My early ones with Kerry. Then the first eight or so months with Amanda. As we shone lights on all the sneaky hiding spots that trauma tried to squeeze its self into. To remain and fester. Because that’s what trauma likes to do.

But that was then. Those sessions were then. All of those years, all of that sadness and grief… it isn’t who I am anymore.

Instead, I cackle out loud like a crazy hyena. I snort and belly laugh, too.

Because I. Am. Out. Of. Trauma.

This, I know deep in my bones as all of those Other New Things come at me… more change, but this time of the positive ilk. My job now is to prepare. To make the right decisions for my future and… already do whatever I can to help others.

And I can do that – help others – because I. Am. Out. Of. Trauma.

So all of the hard won wisdom is now mine to share. And that’s what I’m in the process of doing.

I want to hand write love notes to all of the wonderful healers I’ve worked with over the years. The people who kept me afloat when I otherwise would’ve drowned. I’ve so much gratitude for all of their love and care and support.

I. Am. Out. Of. Trauma. And now it’s time for me to give it all back to those in need.

~Svasti
xxx

Guest posting over at Nadine’s

Tags

Depression, guest post, PTSD

I know that all of you regular readers know this – I spend a lot of time talking about Nadine. The awesome things she’s been doing, making and sharing. You can pretty much say I’m a Nadine fan. 😉

So, when she asked me recently to write a guest post for her Inspiring Women series, I was all over it.

And as per the image above, the post is called 5 Key Tips for Healing from Trauma.

Its the sort of advice I’d want to share with anyone who has experienced a traumatic event that they’re having trouble overcoming.

Please head over to Nadine’s blog to have a read. Perhaps share it with anyone you know who might find it useful.

~ Svasti xxx

Acceptance of the Big Ass Doozies

Tags

Acceptance, Big Ass Doozies, childless, Healthing, PTSD, self-acceptance

I was terrified of this year when I signed up for Nadine’s workshop back in January. Terrified. By the time the workshop was over, I was both relieved and umm… still terrified, actually.

Because what sort of crazy person willingly (I wasn’t that willing actually) takes on “Acceptance” as one of their words for empowering their year?

Apparently I do. And while I’ve had a fairly decent amount of success with the whole acceptance gig so far, it’s starting to get scary.

You see, there’s something magical about making a commitment to yourself based on a couple of words that deeply resonate with your inner being. When they’re the right words – when you’ve done enough self-inquiry and sat still long enough for the words to be heard – then it isn’t like just picking up one of those little polished stones at the local woo-woo shop with golden lettering that says something like “Faith” or “Hope”.

Of course, those might be the words you come up with via self-reflection, but what I’m trying to say is that it’s an entirely different process. Words that arise from self-reflection *are* a commitment, and your higher self seems to register them like some kind of action plan. And then it’s on for young and old.

Healing (my other word for this year)… that’s what I’ve been doing in spades. I feel like I’ve been concentrating very, very hard on my physical health for the last twelve months or so. And even more so since the start of this year.

It’s almost time for me to get more blood tests. Comprehensive ones. Hopefully all this hard work will show up in the results. I certainly feel a heck of a lot better, but it’ll be good to see the proof in a science-y way, too.

When it comes (self) Acceptance… well that’s another kind of healing, right? I’ve been working my ass off on that front, too. And actually, self-acceptance and physical healing are interconnected anyway. The more I work on my emotional/mental health, the more connections appear to the physical.

But there’s the easier things to learn to accept, and then there’s the Big Ass Doozies.

When I first started healing from PTSD, I learned you can clear away a LOT of the “chaff” – the easy to access stuff pretty quickly. There’s usually a heap of it. But those issues are generally symptoms of what’s really going on.

And so here I am – working through my stuff and yet holding back on one of those Big Ass Doozies, because there’s always been a little part of me that wants to imagine that somehow, I wouldn’t need to accept it because there’s the possibility it could change.

For many years, while healing from PTSD and depression I would cry at the drop of a hat. Couldn’t help it – my emotions were so raw and near the surface that it was all I could do most times to not be crying.

Nowadays though, there’s only one thing that really makes me sad in that same way:

I am childless.

I have just turned 40. Too many of my child-bearing years were swallowed by the aftermath of being assaulted, and even though I’m now mostly healed, I still haven’t been able to make the leap back into the dating world.

But I really, really want to be a mother.

I want to know what it’s like to have a child growing inside of me. To give birth and watch my child grow up. I’d be a great mum. However, time and opportunities for such a thing are running close to empty.

Adding insult to injury? The autoimmune disorder I developed as a result of all that trauma? It also plays havoc with fertility and causes miscarriage. So there’s that, too…

It seems that I’m surrounded by people having babies. It’s probably like when you buy a new car and suddenly notice all the people around you with the same type of car. Only in reverse. What I deeply, deeply want from the depth of my being… there’s a very good chance I won’t be getting it at all. Not in this lifetime.

And as genuinely happy as I am for my sister, friends and co-workers, and as much as I love my nieces and other people’s children… I am equally devastated by the circumstances that have led to this childless place. To the running out of time.

I struggle very much with being able to accept this. That this is probably how it’s gonna be. That given the laws of probability, it’s unlikely I’ll get to have kids.

So, sometimes I cry. I’m watching some show and there’s kids or families or someone who desperately wanted to be a mother finally gets her wish (the way it always happens in Hollywood, right?) and I find I can’t not cry.

Please do me a favour – don’t leave me any comments that talk about how “you never know” and “amazing things happen” and that “just because you’re 40 doesn’t mean it can’t happen for you”. Don’t tell me that I “just have to want it enough”, either.

I know these things. I know that sometimes for some people, they are true words. I also know that in other circumstances, they are not. And since my life has never resembled one of those Hollywood stories (whose life does, anyway?) where everything turns out alright in the end, I have to tell you it’s much easier for me to be realistic.

Only, because this is a Big Ass Doozie of a thing to accept… it’s pretty tricky to be okay with it.

I’ve done all the rationalising. I know that being childless doesn’t mean I’ve failed at life. I know plenty of women who haven’t had kids. I know kids can be a pain in the ass and that nappies and sleep deprivation suck. I know there’s plenty of other things I can do with my life. I know. I KNOW. Okay?

But it doesn’t change what I want. It doesn’t change the way it makes me feel to know my chances for getting what I want are slim to none. It doesn’t help me while I struggle to find some sort of acceptance for how things are.

Ideally, I’d love to have two kids. I don’t even care about gender. Just that they’d be healthy. Right now even if I met some amazing guy tomorrow, I’d be lucky to have even one.

I’m not looking for pity by writing this. I’m just sort of hoping that somehow, naming my desires and fears will help me put them in perspective. And just maybe… that’s a step towards truly being cool with being childless.

There’s a LOT more work to do on this yet…

~Svasti

Change is a funny thing

Tags

Acceptance, autoimmune disorder, Change, control, deep gorges, Freedom, Hashimoto's, Healing, hidden crevices, Kinesiology, personal power, PTSD, tools, traumatic memories, wherewithal

Often we don’t get that change is happening until it’s already here. The birth of change can be troubling, right? Because sometimes we get a little stuck. But ultimately, change has already happened by the time it registers in our brains and what we actually need to do is accept that our reality is different now.

Of course, reality is changing from moment to moment anyway. But when it changes A LOT in a short space of time; when the process is sped up or jam-packed or just significantly different than our current concept of life… that’s when the proverbial hits the fan, yeah?

So all I know is that mid-November, I had an inkling that things were Different. I mean, I had a pretty major hair cut, which is something women do when they’re acknowledging change on some level.

And when I say major, for the first time in 10-15 years, I significantly changed my hair style. Are you hearing me? I’ve more or less had the same hairstyle forever. And as I sat there in the hairdresser’s chair peering at myself in the mirror, these words rose up: Can you chop it off and make it look good? I want it to be a LOT shorter.

Immediately afterwards, I loved it. The girl who’s always had hair at least 3-4 inches past her shoulders now had neck-grazing hair length. It wasn’t short-short, but it was short enough. And to quote a friend: choppy and swishy and good.

But I didn’t really get it then. I was still caught up in the oh-my-goddess-will-I-get-a-new-job-soon momentum, avoiding (for a little while) my health, and planning for my trip to Bali while wondering if I could really afford it. Funnily enough, everything panned out.

I landed a job I love (and still do); I quit sugar – which has had a major impact on my health; my Bali trip was awesome AND due to the speed with which a new job turned up, it wasn’t a financial strain. I found a new and wonderful naturopath and we’re on EXACTLY the same page in terms of treating my health; and, my yoga practice and teaching are going from strength to strength.

Life is getting… better. At the start of this year I was desperately afraid that it wouldn’t. But so far, setting my intentions for Healing and Acceptance has been crazy-powerful. Consequently, there’s all sorts of healing and acceptance going on without my having to put too much effort into it. Or so it seems.

Yet, I was still afraid that all of this good stuff wouldn’t/couldn’t last. That at some point, it was all going to go away again and/or fall apart. Weirdly, I was carrying this around as anxiety that wouldn’t quit. Kinda silly, huh?

Then, last Saturday brought with it another major milestone.

In late 2010, I started having regular kinesiology sessions when I realised I was still struggling with PTSD in some ways. Sure, I wasn’t a complete mess like I had been. But I couldn’t talk about it freely without falling apart. Even though I was once again a functional human being, I wasn’t really okay. Not in my heart of hearts, and it was compromising my ability to move forward in life.

Every single one of my kinesiology sessions delved into the past, purging some other aspect of trauma from my body and mind. I can only liken it to wringing a towel dry – you’ve gotta keep it up til you get all the moisture out… Sometimes dealing with the past was just about being assaulted, but more often than not it also included other traumas from my past.

Because, if you face up to real healing you have to face up to all of your un-dealt with stuff. All of it. It is VERY hard work.

THEN…

For the very first time last Saturday, I had a kinesiology session in which the past didn’t come up at all. Not once.

Instead, we were dealing with this transition time between what has been, where I’m at and what will be.

I can’t tell you how weird that was. There’s been so many false starts where I thought I was “healed”. Most of it was wishful thinking, however: I wanted to be better but I hadn’t really faced up to the whole truth.

Now I have.

Of course, I’m not saying that I’m 100% sure I’ve dealt with everything that needs dealing with. I mean, can anything ever be 100%?

However, for the first time since late 2005, there are no painful shackles imprisoning me to traumatic memories. I’m no longer just a small shift away from tears and falling apart. I’ve inhabited and owned those experiences instead of dissociating from them.

It’s such a powerful feeling because I’m in control. And free!

These are two things that trauma survivors can’t relate to very easily. For example, being assaulted wasn’t something I had any control over. Neither were the years where I didn’t know I had PTSD, or the flashbacks, anxiety, or depression. I didn’t have the tools or emotional wherewithal to do much about it for many years. I also didn’t have much control over the crash-landing of my adrenal system, resulting in an auto-immune condition.

But now I do have tools, control and wherewithal. I’m physically, emotionally and mentally stronger than ever. However, to become strong I had to expose my weaknesses.

So now you can’t even unintentionally hurt me by talking about assault or PTSD. You can’t accidentally kick over my carefully constructed defences and expose my raw underbelly: my wounds – deep gorges and hidden crevices that they were – have healed properly this time with all infections excised and treated.

Managing my health will be an ongoing balancing act for the rest of my life. But, I know what helps and what hurts. And I’ll do everything in my power to minimise the impact of Hashimoto’s on my body and mind.

Yep, I’ve only just noticed that all of this change – in the form of renewed and strengthened personal power – has arrived.

But then, I got my hair cut again last Friday. Even shorter than last time. Yep.

~ Svasti

#smallstone – week 4

Tags

#smallstone, A River of Stones, Creative Writing, mindful writing, PTSD

The final week of my daily Small Stones.

Reflections on writing Small Stones

When I was drowning in PTSD and depression, I wished away my days. I hoped that by doing so, I’d somehow magically reach the end of the seemingly perpetual torment I lived in. So I did everything I could to numb myself and withdraw from the world, noticing no one or thing. Every moment was painful, or so I thought.

This task of mindful writing – January’s Small Stones – tells me another story.

I’ve learned that even when I’m having a bad day, I don’t have to file the entire day under “C for Crap”, writing off everything about it. Even if the bad things that happened on a particular day only took an hour or two, I’d paint the whole thing black (yes, just like The Stones).

Actually, while I was in the deathly grip of PTSD, I’d paint entire months the same dark shade and did everything I could to look nowhere. Not in the mirror and certainly not in anyone’s eyes, or beautiful things in nature. It was too… hard.

So maybe I was noticing things. But I was noticing them only to squash them. To kill off any memories of any day because those days were plagued with a never-ending loop of terror and I lived every single one of them like I was fighting for my life.

Now that it’s years later, I am free from PTSD. Sometimes the period of chronic trauma and stress I lived through feels like a dream and sometimes… it’s this new life that that feels that way.

Writing Small Stones – as insignificant as it might seem, even to me sometimes – provides a practice of noticing. And noticing is something I ask of my yoga students. What do you see/feel/think while you’re doing your practice? How do you feel? Are you comfortable? What sensations are you experiencing??

So writing Small Stones, too, works hand-in-hand with the philosophy and practice of yoga. It doesn’t matter if you don’t do it but if you DO… then something will happen. Something will change and blossom within your heart and mind.

Your connection to the world and yourself changes. There’s a sense of respect and intimacy that develops.

This is indeed, yoga.

I’m not sure if I’ll keep writing Small Stones every single day. But then again, perhaps I will. Either way, I’ ll use this lovely tool of noticing the world and writing down my observations frequently.

Finally, I hope you enjoy the last of my January Small Stones writings below…

Monday 23rd:

In the heat, everything expands, blows up, and blows out.

Overheating = chaos, Summer’s peril.

~~

Tuesday 24th:

A new student of yoga

But an old hand in dealing with life’s messes

Dulled eyes at half mast as though

Sunset shines there instead of midday’s blazing glory

He writes: “Just crazy” on his intake form

But!

I watch as midday returns brilliance to his eyes

As we move through the practice hour

Temporarily perhaps, for now.

~~

Wednesday 25th:

A brilliant golden memory from the weekend…

His eyes expressing volumes

As he takes in her face

(How amazing, he marvels

The brilliance of your body

Produced our daughter

Our amazing, perfect little girl

If I loved you before, now I worship you

Because you’ve granted me this miracle!)

Expressed with no words,

Just a twinkle in his eye.

~~

Thursday 26th:

An internal day

The result of over-indulgence

And too much sunshine

Both depleting crucial moisture

Leaving me couch-bound

The cat is my only companion

~~

Friday 27th:

Today I see my self-delusions in full flight

Turning one story into another

Making actions far more meaningful than ever intended

So I step away and shake myself awake

~~

Saturday 28th:

Trauma, it seems

Seals off the entrance to

The Great Womb of the Universe

That which engenders creativity

Life and light

And so the healing of trauma

Also heals the Womb of the Universe

~~

Sunday 29th:

Three brown berries

Glowingly tanned

And squidgy with youth

Cooling off under shade cloth

In a small cerulean plastic clam

~~

Monday 30th:

The manic-ness of broken-down trains

Learning to work without a net once more

And missing out on dearly held plans

Tests the boundaries of acceptance

~~

Tuesday 31st:

They appear as clumps

Of gum leaves

Designing the tree top with

Small shrub-like shapes

~~

[ small stone round up week 1 ]

[ small stone round up week 2 ]

[ small stone round up week 3 ]

~ Svasti

So Sugar, what’s the deal?

Tags

anti-masturbation tactic, Anxiety, autoimmune, Depression, gluten free eating, Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, Healing, hypothyroidism, I Quit Sugar, inflammation, PTSD, quitting sugar, Sarah Wilson, sugar, thyroid

Gimme some sugar, Sugar

Hey honey! Sweetie, darling! Sweetcakes! Gimme some sugar!

Or rather… please don’t.

As I mentioned briefly last week, I’ve just started a brand new regime of quitting sugar.

Today is day three.

I know. WHY the heck would I do something like that? Maybe you’re staring at the screen in horror at such a suggestion. When I announced my plans on Twitter, someone asked me: All sugar, forever?

Even across the internets, I could hear the disbelief and tension in those three little words.

But really, why?

Good question! Glad you asked. 😀

Here’s the skinny: I have Hashimoto’s thyroiditis. An autoimmune condition wherein my body has decided that my thyroid is a foreign entity to be attacked and destroyed. Thanks, body!

Hashimoto’s is inflammation in the body, and basically causes the thyroid to be underactive – meaning a slowed metabolism (hello, weight gain/difficulty with weight loss), an impaired immune system (getting sick a lot), low-low-low iron levels, a massive loss of energy (you try getting out of bed like this!) and a whole bunch of other less than lovely symptoms.

But if you’ve been reading this blog for a little while you’d know about some of this already. As well as my various efforts to heal my body. You can read some of my other posts if you like.

There’s all sorts of information out there about the causes (there are several), what to do about it, treatment (western and alternative medicine), what to eat and so on.

One of my key goals at the moment is reducing inflammation and trying to make my body chemistry as alkaline as possible.

Get your addict on

Here’s the thing about sugar: generally speaking it’s in everything we eat, when physiologically it’s only meant to be consumed sparingly.

As in, not every day. Heck, not even every week!

Too much sugar causes inflammation in the body, as well as contributing to weight gain, and possibly even things like making our minds whizz around too fast, sleep disturbances and so on.

Also, sugar is addictive. The more we have, the more we want.

For a somewhat humorous take on this, read how breakfast cereal was originally developed as an anti-masturbation tactic.

Been there, done it before

A bunch of years ago I did the whole sugar quitting thing. Not because I needed to (although really, we all need to at least reduce our sugar intake), but because it was a Thing.

A dieting technique: cut all sugars and all grains and the weight drops off!

While this is actually true, that kind of all-or-nothing approach can be hard to sustain.

But for the period of time I was on my ABSOLUTELY NO SUGAR kick, I felt and looked amazing.

Keeping it up is another story. Especially in our heavily sugar addicted culture. Especially when attempting to eat out with friends, or even order a drink in a bar. Seriously.

So I lapsed. Eventually my sugar intake was back to its previous levels and with it, much of the weight I’d dropped.

Then I was assaulted, developed PTSD and depression and started eating like shit because most days all I could manage was cheese and crackers, peanut butter on toast, eating out/ordering take-away, or ice cream. So I put on more weight.

Finally, I started to work on healing my mind, heart and soul. What I didn’t realise at the time is that mental health issues like PTSD, anxiety and depression absolutely mess with your body and brain chemistry, and even your DNA.

So as a result of all of this, I now have an autoimmune condition. More healing required! But then, when does it ever truly stop? And why should it have to?

Sarah Wilson’s “I Quit Sugar” e-book

Sarah Wilson's "I Quit Sugar" ebook

When I was first diagnosed, I took to Twitter to ask for information on thyroid stuff as well as gluten-free eating (recommended for thyroidy people).

One of the first crowd-sourced suggestions was to read Sarah’s blog.

She doesn’t just write about Hashimoto’s, eating gluten and sugar free – there’s lots of other cool posts, too.

Recently she published a little ebook (note: this is an affiliate link*) that I immediately snapped up. I’ve now read it cover to cover and this week I began my new journey to a sugar-free life!

The thing I like about Sarah’s approach is that she’s NOT all hardcore do-or-die about it. She suggests an eight week slowly-does-it technique.

Allowing you to ween yourself off the sweet stuff bit by bit.

* Which means that if you buy Sarah’s ebook from clicking on the above link, I get paid a small fee.

But really, for how long?

The answer to “All sugar, forever?” is: I don’t know. Maybe. We’ll see. It’s “for now” anyways. For the foreseeable future, yes.

Sarah even suggests that after you’ve “detoxed” from your sugar addiction, it might be possible to re-introduce limited amounts of sugar into your diet again.

But it really depends on your body and how it reacts to even a little bit of sugar. Does it kick off the addiction again or are you cool with tiny amounts?

You kinda won’t know until you detox for a few months and then give it a try.

So yeah, here I go with my new sugar-free living adventure.

Let me know if you’d like to join in so we can support each other. It’d be excellent to have a buddy along for the ride.

Anyways, I’ll be posting updates on my progress around once a week to keep myself accountable to someone – YOU!

Wish me well, m’lovelies.

~ Svasti xxx