• About Svasti
  • Crib notes
  • Poetry
  • Blog Awards
  • Advertising/offers of work

Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness

~ Recovery from PTSD & depression + yoga, silliness & poetry…

Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness

Tag Archives: Release

Euphoria & other things

06 Saturday Jun 2009

Posted by Svasti in Learnings, Yoga

≈ 21 Comments

Tags

abundance, Corporate-landia, Denial, emotional honesty, Employment, euphoria, Hanumanasana, Malasana, Meditation, nadi shodhana, new job, Reality, Release, samskara, Spirituality, Surrender, Yoga, yoga retreat

Of late, my yoga practice has been revealing inner layers of truth, ironically ‘visible’, during meditation. Especially post-pranayama.

The other week it was two words, pulsing and glimmering like a coin underwater – emotional honesty – yes… that’s taken a little while to understand.

I cast my mind back to Sydney, mid-winter several years ago, on one of the numerous yoga retreats I’ve attended. We were about to do some kind of serious meditation work, and it’s customary to do such things with clean teeth.

Before we started, my Guru looked at us and asked, So have you all brushed your teeth?

My first instinct was to nod my head, even though I hadn’t. Nod, and say yes, rather than admit I’d forgotten, be different and stand out.

I learned a great lesson right there, when one of my fellow students unashamedly shook her head. Go on then, we were told. I scooted out the door with a couple of others.

I’m not a liar as such, but there’s been many a time like that where I’ve lied rather than face a perceived ‘scary’ reality, no matter how minor.

Emotional honestly is not something I grew up with. Just… telling it like it is. Instead it was a constant stream of deny, deny, deny. Deny anything, deny everything. My blood was steeped in denial.

These days I’m much braver but still, I have my moments.

Today, sitting in near stillness, once I was able to ignore the constant stream of inner chatter long enough… I could see… wow, almost like the mechanism of grasping, desperation and neediness that drives my actions sometimes.

Briefly I saw how this force sometimes creates activity that causes me to behave in ways I’d rather not. And I saw that somewhere in there, is the capacity to set that aside. Maybe not today, or tomorrow. But sometime, sure.

Today in our yoga class, we did a lot of very deep forward bends ending with Malasana (garland pose) and Hanumanasana (the splits). Reaching into places that are usually left dormant, un-stretched. Moving slowly, repeatedly and determinedly.

It’s not surprising to find that yoga both generates and releases emotional states. Today’s asana class was highly, deeply and strongly moving and energising in the pits and creases of my body.

After some counter-poses, we eventually finished with nadi shodhana (alternate nostril breathing), which I always find very grounding and centering. It’s important to sit still for a while once you’ve finished and just… allow the sensations you’re experiencing to flow through you.

Right there, the chattering sufficiently ignored… I could see the ongoing suffering I cause myself through my samskaras (deeply embedded patterns of behaviour), and the choice we all have to step away from these patterns. Not without a lot of effort first, of course.

Leaving class, I felt incredibly euphoric and I’m still floating in that state…

Anyway, now for some other news:

Finally, after more than three long months, I HAVE A JOB!

I know… I should be celebrating this fact a little more. But I’m not. I am grateful – it came along right when I was about to have absolutely NO money at all.

However, it’s not my dream job. Sure, I’m working in my industry (digital media) but it’s a contract role (not permanent), its back in big Corporate-landia, and it’s really not the best money for a contract job either.

I also discovered the contract heavily favours the rights of the company (they can terminate my role with no notice – I’m sure a sign of the current financial times), while affording me almost no rights… except to get paid.

Then, the organisation I’m contracting through pays fortnightly, but it’s actually going to be three weeks until I’m paid for the first six days of work, leaving me with precious little cash (all I’ve got) to get by on until then.

However, the people there are nice. So I’m trying to stave off the sense of foreboding I feel being back in an uber-large company (it’s been almost twelve months since I quit my previous corporate gig).

Ironically, the day I was verbally offered this role, I was also offered another (less lucrative) contract, and an interview for a permanent role. Even more ironically, I had that interview at lunch time of the first day on the new job this week (Thursday). Then, on the Friday another recruiter rang with an interview request for another permanent role. That one will be Tuesday after work.

Feast or famine, right?

Usually, I’m very loyal to my employer, sometimes to my own detriment. But recent times have shown that’s not the most prudent course of action. So, given the relative lack of stability of my contract job (when is a contract not really a contract? When there’s a ‘no notice’ clause in it!), I’m taking a slightly more aggressive line.

I guess I’ll see what happens – could be I get offered neither permanent role (my fate in recent times) – but then again, I might. And I will keep looking.

In the mean time, I’m repeating my yoga teacher’s oft-repeated mantra – there will always be enough – while I prepare to live on a tiny amount of cash for a few weeks to come yet.

And, I’ll also keep attempting to disengage with the samsaric patterning I’ve just witnessed so clearly. If I can surrender that, and strive to live as emotionally honestly as possible, hopefully I’ll be open to new opportunities I might not otherwise have a shot at.

~ Svasti

Getting into it

13 Wednesday May 2009

Posted by Svasti in Learnings, Spirituality

≈ 10 Comments

Tags

blog award, Contemplation, Fear, Growth, Mirror to the soul, Release

There’s a place I’m trying to get to, in the recesses of my inner landscape. It’s sorta like that attic room no one visits any more. ‘Cept of course to store more stuff, completely ignoring and obstructing its original purpose.

I really know this place! And I know what’ll happen… oh yes… once I’ve pushed aside the cobwebs and detritus yet again, allowing dappled sunlight to find that sweet spot where, I’ll rest, contemplating the truest ideas I know.

Even thinking about it seems to cause a kind of shift in my outer world, let alone the relief as my heart breathes a sigh and my body’s meridians vibrate gleefully.

And when I do think about it, something briefly grows, thriving on the potential of what could be. It’s a lightning fast moment and I almost miss it, though very definitely I feel it, thrillingly.

Sort of like that hot and cold location game we used to play… You’re warm…now lukewarm… NO, NOW YOU’RE FREEZING!!!! Less freezing, not so chilly now…hmmm, warmer, warmer, warmer, BOILING!!! YES!!

Except… when I drift away, things aren’t just freezing. They get dull. Harder. Stranger. Confusing. Yet if my thoughts turn inwards, towards that place, even it’s if only a fleeting glimpse, I smell incense!! The songs of joy recommence and beguilingly, the siren song calls.

Not that I always answer.

Because… that’s commitment to some serious change we’re talking about. Change I always say I want. And let’s face it; I’m full of bravado, always taking risks. But they’re highly controlled risks, most of the time anyway.

I do want it though, something I whisper to myself in the dead of night… yet Fear whispers back… Just how irrevocable would it be?

For a moment, let’s consider the tricksy ways of the mind. Especially one that’s used to ducking and weaving to conceal things from the outside world. Do you think that talent for evasion works only on others? Hell, no! In some ways, it works best on myself, because the part of me that hides… knows the rest of me too well.

And so it’s always a challenge. Unless of course I can just surrender.

That’s what it’s all about you know, the stuff I study… yoga, meditation, philosophy. Surrender. Sounds easy in theory. And there’s so much I’ve already given up. Given freely. Said… Sure, I surrender, don’t need this prop any more.

And its all sunshine and roses, feeling lighter than clouds… til I find myself face to face with my biggest weaknesses. Those hamstringing bastards!

Just on the other side of my skin, part of the blood vessels and tissues, part of what’s made me who I am… that’s where my integrity flaws abide. Resting in my DNA, and their defence is so clever… Who, me? Noooo! I belong here. We’re part of the package deal... somewhat convincing for a while!

So the question is: Can I surrender my bullshit long enough to enter that fateful, entrancing zone… to ask those hard questions and not shy away from the answers? Can I then do what needs to be done?

Worked out recently, this battle is taking place on two fronts – internally, for sure. But then, externally I see I have a mirror. A human mirror. A mirror of humans. So… the battles I fight aren’t really about other people (no matter what I think), but my Self.

Oh!

Easy to be distracted by this and that, pain and sorrow and feelings. Feelings, getting in the way of an underlying resolution. Actually, they hold it all in place, suspended and unchanging. Afraid of change we are, afraid of the eternal implications…

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Been gettin’ some more award love of late… thanks to Ana and Brooks for thinking of me. 🙂

For those of you who don’t know Ana, she’s Brazilian, but writes in English (her second language). Just Ana is her main blog, and deals with issues of mental health, the over-use of medication and just… stuff! But she’s a busy lady, running Hella Heaven (visual art and funnies) as well!

Brooks is a yoga teacher from Chicago and I love what she’s doing with her passionate and thought provoking blog posts. I get such a buzz of kinetic energy from Brooks’ pictures (she’s often the model), and that gives me an appreciation for what it’d be like to hang out with her (kinda cool I’m thinking…)

~Svasti

Follow me on Twitter Subscribe to my posts via RSS Follow me on Twitter or subscribe to RSS!
Svasti's Public Declaration of Excellently Awesome Future Life Plans

Enter your email address to receive email notifications of new posts.

Join 386 other subscribers

Archives

Browse by category

Recent Posts

  • My father’s been slowly dying for almost a year now
  • It’s all about my brother
  • The work continues
  • In case you missed it…
  • Two Words Project: 2012 summary
  • Looking both ways
  • A forked road
  • Who am I becoming?

Guest posts by me on other blogs

  • Yoga with Nadine: 5 Key Tips for Healing From Trauma
  • The Joy of Yoga: Guest post from Svasti
  • Suburban Yogini: My yoga story
  • BlissChick: EmBody Talk: Svasti, Yogini & Survivor
  • CityGirl Lifestyle: A Pearl of Wisdom {by Svasti}
  • Linda's Yoga Journey: I don't know how old yoga is and neither do you - part 1
  • And part 2
  • Getting help

  • Beyond Blue (Australia)
  • Black Dog Institute
  • EMDR Assoc. Australia
  • Gift From Within
  • Root Cause of PTSD
  • Trauma & mental health
  • Women Against Domestic Violence
  • Blog at WordPress.com.

    Privacy & Cookies: This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this website, you agree to their use.
    To find out more, including how to control cookies, see here: Cookie Policy
    • Follow Following
      • Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness
      • Join 146 other followers
      • Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
      • Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness
      • Customize
      • Follow Following
      • Sign up
      • Log in
      • Report this content
      • View site in Reader
      • Manage subscriptions
      • Collapse this bar