Betrayal and brimming bagfuls of possibility – part 1

Tags

awry, betrayal, biatch, blue eyes, brimming bagfuls of possibility, cacophony, death knell, droid, heat pack of fortitude, love-in, mocking, monsoon, possibility, pranayama, R2D2, remedial massage, Star Wars, superstitious, wry, wry neck

Sounds a little dramatic, doesn’t it? Don’t worry though, nothing’s as bad as you might imagine. And I’d be sorry about causing you any alarm, ‘cept I’m always a sucker for a catchy headline. Also, I’m a sucker for tall men with broad shoulders, dark hair, blue eyes and an accent. In case you were wondering.

So hold the panic because really I’m just talking about being betrayed by my otherwise healthy body with this… well apparently the technical term is “wry neck”.

Wry. My neck is wry.

Or perhaps awry?

One of those. It’s basically being a total biatch and causing the rest of my being (physical and otherwise) untold misery. It’s that special sort of pain that’s so pointy and stabby that even a 10ml dosage of it forces you to breathe in tiny pitiful gasps. And that ain’t no pranayama, folks!

Woke up this morning and while that un-delectable haze of being stoned on pain-killers/muscle relaxants (I’d actually forgotten what it’s like to get high, it’s been sooooo long!) had worn off, my neck had not relented overnight.

See? Betrayal right there, everybody!

Although still rather snoozy from a lack of restful-type sleep, I honourably attempted to hustle myself into a fit state for my day job. Only to discover that it actually wasn’t possible. I basically felt (‘scuse the language) royally fucked – although without any of the fun parts (and now that I mention it, if you’d like to make an advance birthday wish for me and on my behalf, I wouldn’t mind being royally fucked in the whoo-hoo-oh-yeah kinda way as well. *ahem*).

Betrayed by my body. Gah! And we’ve become such good friends lately. All this yoga-ing and teaching yoga etc has been such a love-in for my body and I. So this is…unsettling. Although it was clear to me this was a muscle thing and not a bones or joints thing. And I needed some help. Quick.

Did the ring around and eventually snagged myself a remedial massage appointment for 11am. Of course, Melbourne’s tropical downpours continued today (our second day of Summer, dammit) but my choices were to venture out anyway, or remain lying supine and most pathetically on the floor of my apartment for who knows how long.

I had to go.

Massage helped a whole lot, although it was no magic tonic for dissolving the freak-out attack my neck and upper back muscles appear to be engaged in. But I think I regained about 10-15% range of motion back. Which is like, hey, time for a party. Right? Okay, maybe not…

And then I might’ve gone into work after that because perhaps there was a meeting I really wanted to have at that particular time. And people there – my comrades in the day job – might’ve ever-so-slightly mocked me with the nickname R2D2 (referring to that droid’s inability to move it’s head separately from it’s neck, get it?).

But I did do those things (otherwise I might’ve been extremely bored hanging out at home, just me and my wry neck) and I survived the very monsoon-like conditions and am now resting (?at my writing desk?) with the Heat Pack of Fortitude draped over my shoulders.

The point in telling you all of this wasn’t just to whinge about my sad and sorry (but ultimately impermanent) condition. It’s more about the fact that despite all of the madness, temporary (legal) drug use and ridiculous impersonations of robots from Star Wars… in that cacophony my mind somehow managed to convey some useful stuff.

That would be the brimming bagfuls of possibility. There’s two brimming bagfuls, actually.

Of course, these ideas have been banging around various corners of my noggin for a while now. I keep wanting to talk about them and then I get all superstitious and tell myself that doing so might just be the death knell for those bagfuls. Which is of course, quite ridiculous.

But hey, fear knows how to play dirty.

Brimming bagful #1

Ever since my appointment with Kerry, I’m painfully aware that I’ve avoided doing anything about getting my writing out there a little more. Kerry suggested that it might be helpful if I had a plan. A plan, you say? Well… thinking about having a plan is about as much as I’ve done to-date.

It’s so very easy to find excuses, or even to just let the excuses find me. Too busy. Oh look, I have another yoga class to plan. Feeling pretty exhausted right now. Oh look, the bathroom needs cleaning. That cat of mine needs some grooming…

I don’t need to explain this to anyone who’s ever avoided doing their homework, am I right?

Perhaps this is why my conscious mind needed to be assaulted with intensive pain in order for other parts of my being to get a word in. Or perhaps it was just about timing, and skipping through enough blogs written by others so that tiny fractions of seedlings might hover together closely enough that a more obvious idea could emerge?

And it has. I’m yet to decide if I’ll write under my Svasti pseudonym or my real name or something else entirely. No matter. I’ve got some research to do and some articles to plan and then write, but I suspect I might be onto something. I’ll let you know as and when.

What’s enabled me to plan even this much however, is that I’ve taken the concept of playful exploration (I wrote about it in another post) off the yoga mat and into other areas of my life. Imagine… being playful instead of angsty about my writing? Imagine just trying to get published in a few different places, just giving it a shot to see what happens (and who cares if it actually happens or not)? Imagine putting myself out there in a much more public format than my very private little blog niche here?

Imagine that. Imagine putting some of the oomph and dedication I give my yoga practice into my life as a writer? Ha. Well, imagine that…

[to be continued…]

~Svasti

Yoga, Grace and time out

Tags

Asana, bones, Dagnabbit, dancing dust motes, Dyson, fox hole, freelance, Grace, herbs in the window, Lululemon, marmas, mirages, mission-critical, new things, remedial massage, security blanket, Shadow Yoga, substitute teaching, Tara Stiles, time out, Universe, Yoga, Yoga In Daily Life, yoga teaching

Just to be a touch more specific (as opposed to my previous post), here’s one of those New Things I hinted at but with a few more details this time.

Well, it’s a new-old thing really: last Friday I finished up a five week stint of freelance work. Originally it was meant to be only two weeks. And when I started at the very end of July, I had several seemingly decent options for more permanent/long term work.

I was even verballed: “We definitely want you, you’re the right person for the job!”

Uh huh.

But as the freelance work was extended, the other offers evaporated in ways most surprising. From one angle they looked very solid and convincing but shifting to the side a little,  seems they were nothing but dancing dust motes glistening in the sunlight. I’d tell you how it all went down but y’know, the upshot is that those so-called possible jobs weren’t real.

It was weird, and not weird. I mean, before going into some of those interviews I KNEW already that they weren’t gonna work out. In one instance, I looked into the face of one of the people interviewing me and thought: This is a very angry man and I wouldn’t care to work for him. In yet another, I realised even as I was doing my best to spruik my skills, I knew I didn’t want to work there.

So what was wrong with these people and places? Probably nothing. I think it has more to do with me (and more on that soon, too)…

Meanwhile, I was totally rocking the freelance job. Possibly because the actual work involved was stuff I’d mastered long ago so it wasn’t challenging. Not that that matters for freelance work, and still, I LOVE making stuff in the digital space. The people were nice, and it was a twenty-minute cycle from my place when the traffic was heavy. Fifteen minutes on a good day!

Even at this job however, there were mirages… people sniffing around to see if they could hire me. The only problem was that the job that was available was the one I was doing for them already. Which means that basically I would’ve been ridiculously bored within a few months. So, not ideal…

Then last Wednesday I was unexpectedly told that Friday would be my last day. They’d found someone for the role who was more “mid-weight” in their experience (and presumably not costing them as much as I did). And that was that… I was out of there. The way of the world in the freelance space!

So I’m once again faced with joblessness. And I know that a couple of you have outrageously suggested that perhaps this is all a sign to move on to a New Path! Yes, yes… I get that! And I get that from the Universe as well, who is being rather persistent in Her attempts to push me towards New Things, too.

Dagnabbit!

So, on top of the substitute teaching I’m doing with the blokey yogis (last week’s class didn’t happen BTW, because too many of them were away but we’re soooo ON for this Friday), I’ve also scored another subbing gig. This is a one-off for now, but in general I’m on their books!

And it’s all thanks to the wonderful Sevapuri (@yidl), who I became friends with via Twitter. We met up a few months back when he was in Melbourne (from Sydney) for dinner and a chat about all things yoga. Recently, he kindly suggested me as a sub to the Melbourne Yoga In Daily Life school.

So last Saturday I sat in on the class I’ll be teaching (a very easy/general level class) and got the run down on turning lights and heaters on and off etc. As it turns out, this week I’ll be teaching a Hatha/Vinyasa blokes class on Friday (very early in the morning!), followed by a super-gentle/traditional Hatha class mid-morning on Saturday. Quite a nice balance really.

And… I do hear you, Universe. I do. I get that I’m meant to do more yoga teaching. BUT I need you to understand that right now, just teaching a few classes here and there isn’t gonna pay my rent. So I’d appreciate a little leeway and I’d ESPECIALLY appreciate a semi-long term/more permanent job in the interim. Yeah?

If we can get that happening, then I promise that I’ll step up my plans for yoga teaching!

In fact, I’ve already started. Last Saturday on my way back from the Yoga In Daily Life school, I dropped in at Lululemon to inquire about running classes there. I’m now on their yoga teacher list!

Also, after thinking about it for months, today I finally took down the number of a church hall round the corner from my place. I’m gonna call them and see what they charge to rent out their space. There’s also a PCYC just down the road from me I’ll be getting in touch with, too.

Truthfully, I’ve been quite afraid of taking on yoga teaching properly. For reasons I might explore in another post sometime!

But then in light of the whole Tara-Stiles-fat-burning-yoga/hey-yoga-is-anything-we-want-it-to-be saga… well, I’m feeling more confident in what I have to offer. I mean, I know there’s this whole new skill I’m learning (called teaching other people!!), but my knowledge of yoga and years of training means that yeah, I’m pretty sure I’ve already got something to share.

In some ways I still consider myself a beginner in terms of my yoga studies. Okay, perhaps I’m a little more than a beginner, but there’s still SO MUCH I don’t know! But hey, if something I’ve learned in the past nine or so years can provide inspiration, an opening, some joy etc, to others, then whoohoo!

Right…

I made very good use of today, my first day of not having a job again. I can’t quite believe it, but I did something incredibly domestic (and much needed): took my Dyson vacuum cleaner in for a service. There’s one service center in Melbourne, and it’s only open 9-5 Monday-Friday. Of course! So heck yeah, why not use my time off to sort out such ridiculous things, eh?

Then after a rather mission-critical (i.e. no food in house) grocery shop, I ate lunch at a delightful little cafe near my place, where the above photo was taken. Don’t you just love the herbs in the window? I was drawn to them, and sat at the bench there to eat a most flavoursome minestrone.

For the afternoon, I’d booked a remedial massage for that pesky shoulder of mine. It is getting better BTW, slowly but surely with a combination of yoga, physio, massage, and probably some acupuncture thrown in soon, too. It’s still rather painful, but I’m able to do much more yogasana than I could earlier this year. Which is a win! Things like Catuspadapitham (table top) have been beyond my pain threshold until recently. As has Sarvangasana (shoulder stand) and Chakrasana (wheel) to name but a few. Now these movements are slowly coming back!

And then, oh… more Shadow Yoga this evening. Goodness but I LOVE that practice! Although I haven’t mastered the series yet (ha! suspect mastery is a while off still), I’m quite amazed at how much stronger I am and how much less I fall over/out of the asana. Interestingly though, none of this strength comes from stronger muscles as such… it’s more about the mind and the bones.

Incidentally, Shadow Yoga is only the third time I’ve ever heard anyone talk about moving from the bones in relation to asana. The first person was my Guru. Our retreat in Bali about four years ago was focused on asana and we had many discussions about awareness of and movement from the bones. I don’t think I understood it all properly then! Linda has also spoken about bones, and about her teacher Paul Grilley’s work in the area.

And now with Shadow Yoga, there’s always a discussion on various marmas and bones, as well as the breath (but of course). Actually, it’s probably time I added another Shadow-specific post here…

So that was my day. Basically, I’ve decided to embrace my time out while continuing to look for more work. But in the mean time, I’m also considering how to diversify my income through teaching more yoga classes, freelance writing and who knows what else!

The first time I was out of work for a long period of time was last year and I pretty much fell to pieces (admittedly I WAS still in the deathly grip of depression!). The second time was July. ALL of July really! And I did better then, but still, I spent most of my time holed up in my fox hole. Still a bit afraid and unsure of what to do with myself. This time I’m pretty sure I know what I need to do.

So I am listening, Ma. I am. Just please don’t whip away all of my security blankets/support too quickly! Thanks ever-so-much…

~Svasti