Public Declaration of Excellently Awesome Future Life Plans

Tags

Adventure, be in the world., debt free, finances, goals, good health, Guru, Haiti, holidays, India, manifesto, Public Declaration of Excellently Awesome Future Life Plans, Relax, Retreat, see things, service work, study, teaching, touchstone, Travel, Universe, wander about, Writing, Yoga

Been meaning to write this one up for a while now.

Have you noticed how darn freakin’ hard it can be to keep your eyes on your goals when they’re not immediately in front of you? When there are no set dates or schedules? Even worse, when you’re working like a demon to get to even the first marker and more obstacles appear? Yeah, me too. That’s pretty much been 2011 for me.

It can be handy to write up your plans and have them all in one place. So this post is exactly that – a manifesto of my Excellently Awesome Future Life Plans.

All in public and centralised, and a touchstone for me to revisit whenever I forget what I’m working towards. Also, it’s a bit like putting an advance order in to the Universe.

So here it is…*

Short term

• Get a well-paying permanent or longer-term contract job (6-12 months) to keep me financially afloat.
• Be employed before, during and after the end of my current contract (end-November ’11).
• Take my birthday holiday trip in December. Have a blast, meet new people and RELAX.
• Work on reducing my physical possessions – sell stuff or give it away. Hold a garage sale?

Medium term

• Successfully wean myself off thyroid medication, with the assistance of kinesiology, diet, de-stressing, yoga and other exercise.
• Get a clean bill of health for my thyroid once I’m off medication.
• Write a complete first draft of the children’s book that’s banging around my brain. (It currently sends me messages like: WRITE ME, BIATCH).
• Find someone to illustrate my children’s book and collaborate on the work.
• Reverse my thyroid-induced weight gain. – HAPPENING!
• Pay off all of my debts completely.
• Start saving a whole bunch of money for my Big Overseas Adventure!
• Gain my English as a Second Language (ESL) teaching certificate.
• Keep reducing amount of physical possessions to those things that are necessary for functional and/or emotional/spiritual/sanity purposes.
• Get travel shots.

Longer term

• Find a publisher who wants to publish my book and pay me money for it!
• Once I’ve saved up a whole bunch of money for my Big Overseas Adventure, buy an around the world plane ticket. Get necessary visas and insurance. UPDATE 17/3/2013: For now, I’m not taking a ’round the world trip, just a two month sabbatical to India (currently in progress!)
• Quit my job. WOOP! WOOP!
• This one is sad. 😦 Find an excellent new home for Miss Cleo the cat. My beautiful girl. UPDATE 17/3/2013: Since I’m not going overseas indefinitely, I just have a house/cat sitter instead!
• Sell all possessions I don’t want to keep. Box up what’s left to put in storage.
• Make all necessary plans and farewells. Then GET ON PLANE!!
• First stop: India, for panca karma, studying at KYM and Satyananda Ashram. Wander about. See things. Be in the world.
• Second stop: find wherever my Guru is in the world and spend some time with him, still studying yoga (referring to the complete idea of yoga here – philosophy, meditation, asana, pranayama, mudra, bandha).
• Third stop: spend some time in retreat.
• Other stops: maybe visit friends in the UK and US. Do some volunteer work in Haiti. Wander about. See things. Be in the world.
• Maintain and increase my good health, thyroid or otherwise.

Even longer term…

Now I’m getting into very speculative territory. But here’s a lifestyle that could make me happy:

• Settle down somewhere in Asia. Maybe Thailand or somewhere nearby. Somewhere beautiful.
• Get a job teaching yoga, perhaps at some swanky retreat centre.
• Perhaps get another job teaching ESL.
• Write more children’s books and/or other types of books.
• Maybe also do some freelance writing for various websites.
• Combine all of the above with doing service work of some kind, preferably working with children or women at risk. People who need love.
• Maybe other things. Probably LOTS of other things. But the point is to be doing work that I love and that makes me happy.
• Maintain and increase my good health, thyroid or otherwise.
• Live a life I can’t even imagine right now. A really, really GREAT one.

Somewhere in this process…

I dare to dream that this future also includes personal, romantic love. As in a partner. It’s been a long time, but I think I’m finally ready to open my heart again. For someone who gets me, and vice versa. Someone who has a good heart and thrives on the kind of life I’ve described above, just as much as I do. Someone who isn’t afraid of change, growth and learning new things. Someone who knows who they are and isn’t afraid to challenge themselves or me. Who is passionate and knows how to make me laugh. Side note: someone who is preferably taller than my 5’10½” because I dig a tall guy.

So there we have it. My Public Declaration of Excellently Awesome Future Life Plans.

For a long time, I didn’t have any plans or dreams. I didn’t make any and couldn’t even imagine a time in my life where I’d be happy and doing what I wanted to be doing. Things are different now. I’m on my way, y’all!**

Of course, the Universe will have a say in how things pan out. But assuming the Universe agrees, this is what I’ll be doing.

~ Svasti

* This post will get updated as things change!

** Being on my way doesn’t mean I assume everything is gonna go off without a hitch or be problem-free. That’d be foolish-thinking. But I’m down with a somewhat bumpy journey, as long as I can still achieve my goals.

I can’t believe it’s not…

Tags

beaches, Clear seeing, Cleopatra the Cat, coiffed, down the wire, eyebrow wax, Game Plan, Hollywood Eyebrows, I can't believe it's not butter, immersion, interconnected energy body, introspection, Kinesiology, kooky, Making of Plans, Retreat, Shadow Yoga, Thailand, Yoga

Butter? Chocolate? Retreat?

Yeah, maybe the end one. There’s been plenty of the first two around, so I know they aren’t facsimiles. Or… is the pun (Fabio included) not actually about facsimiles at all? I mean, today I went for an eyebrow wax and was told the method was something called Hollywood Eyebrows. As though it was something different. But the end result was nicely shaped and coiffed (can eyebrows BE coiffed?) brows, so… you say tomato, and you know the rest.

So. I’m not in Thailand, obviously. Not on retreat, where I wish I was. And at first I thought a teensy little part of me was sulking about that. Maybe I was. But then, this quiet time that’s meant less Svasti posts and well, really, a heck-load of other stuff… it’s not about sulking. And don’t get me wrong – there’s been PLENTY of yoga going on!

How do I put this without sounding entirely kooky? Uhhh, perhaps there isn’t any way to do that. So, ahhhh… okay. The bond formed with my teacher and fellow students means that I’m part of this wider and pretty much always interconnected energy body. I mean, generally speaking ALL people are part of an interconnected energy body, but our group was formed quite intentionally and with a lot of energy, meditation and ceremony behind it.

So, even if I’m not with my teacher and fellow students when they’re together doing a lot of spiritual practice (which has happened a handful of times only since I was initiated into the school), I find that down the wire, I get the the gist of what’s going on anyway. Even if they happen to be half a world away.

Really.

There’s energetic stuff that happens, things I feel, messages I receive (not as emails though!) and the general overall tone of whatever’s going on. Then there’s the physical stuff (okay, I’m not quite ready to share all the details about that). BUT, let’s just say it’s all happening again. I thought maybe this time it wasn’t going to be like that and for a while I thought I was right. Because usually the energy that comes out of retreat is BIG and DYNAMIC but this time it seems to be much more introspective. Quiet revelations and deep inquiry that’s blossoming into Something New. Dunno what it is yet, but it’s definitely happening.

And before you say, oh, that’s not necessarily anything to do with your group half a world away, things like that are going on for me too! Let me just add that yes, that’s very possible. All of our retreats are based around specific times of the year, so that astrologically (if you go in for that stuff) whatever we’re doing is supported by the universe in every possible way. So you could say that in general, right now is a huge time of change for many people.

And things have been profound while I’ve been all radio-silence-like. I’ve been doing a lot of Clear Seeing. And Making of Plans. And Realising I Don’t Have To Live In Bolivia To Be Happy. And figuring out a new Game Plan. One that’s gonna make me Happy, without sacrificing myself for others (bad, bad habit of mine!).

So that’s what’s been going on for me, in so many words anyhow.

In other news…

• While it’s not a huge HOORAY but perhaps a HooRay moment… I have finally found some permanent (for now) work. In the digital media industry but quite outside the usual sorts of companies I work for, I guess. Which is both good and bad. Let’s just call it a lifestyle choice, which means it’s not the most highly paid job in the world, but it’s damn-well-stable. And right now, I need a bit of Stable. Actually, I need a LOT of Stable. So it’s good for that, and also for being near some of the more beautiful beaches you can visit in Melbourne (without driving and hour or two south or south-west around the bay).
  It’s good-ish, but not what I really want to be doing. And yet, I don’t feel like I’m selling my soul by taking this job, so that’s an improvement, yes?
• And… still hunting down places where I can set up yoga classes. Not as easy as you might think!!
• Speaking of butter, I think I might have finally perfected making my grandmother’s coconut biscuits. Quite a simple recipe, but awesomely delicious, too. The trick is making sure you cook them not too little, not too long. Juuuust right!
• Miss Kitty (Cleopatra the Cat) has been in the wars and also in my wallet, getting in some kind of cat fight (we think) and had quite a close shave really with a BAD bite in one of her back legs. Poor meow! For her troubles, she was awarded stitches, a drainage tube and the weekend spent at the vet’s practice.
  

  A cone-headed kitty

  She’s been in the plastic cone since it happened. The drainage tube came out last Thursday and this Thursday she has her stitches out and the cone comes off! Thanks Miss Kitty, I really, really could have used that $550 for you know… getting by until I get paid. But whatever! I’m just glad she’s okay now (almost back to her normal self).

• YAY for next Monday! I’ve been paying attention to my intuition which said Get Thee To A Kinesiology Session! So on Monday evening I’ll be seeing Kerry. (Can I have another YAY?) It’s been a while since my last one.
• I am almost back to normal in terms of my desire to write more. The introspection phase is passing, and it’s been wonderful.
• From tomorrow evening I have a yoga-ish house guest staying for two weeks. She’s a fellow Shadow Yoga student and she’s visiting from New Zealand. I offered to billet her because, well why not, eh?

~Svasti

Superwoman Monday

Tags

Bali, confession, Depression, internal saboteur, Retreat, sad face, schlepping, Super-Yogi-Woman, Superwoman, toute suite, yoga teaching, Yogini

Once again, I’m flying through time and space like… like… well, Superwoman. Or Super-Yogi-Woman, perhaps?

So wassup?

Well, there’s things to tell you! Last minute plans to organise! Way overdue articles to finish for others! Invoices to write! Clothes to iron!

And all before a 10pm bedtime after a day that started EARLY.

First up, a confession: none of my blokey yoga classes happened. NONE OF THEM. Each Thursday afternoon there was a different excuse (we couldn’t get the numbers/the guys are away sailing/everyone’s at the snow). Either these excuses are valid, or there’s another reason. Like perhaps their commitment to a 6:15am Friday morning class isn’t as strong as they thought it might be. Or maybe (and this is the one my internal saboteur keeps insisting on) it’s that I wasn’t their (cute/blonde) regular teacher, who was very surprised to hear of the lack of class attendance. I was disappointed, and I’m waiting to find out if the blokes in charge tell her another story. Yeah…

But I’m trying to just move on from that. Because as I recently wrote, my other class at Yoga in Daily Life was FANTASTIC!

Secondly, I don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of getting to the retreat I’m meant to be going on in October. Not unless I suddenly win some competition with a cash prize that I forgot that I entered. Or something like that. I’m sad. Actually, I’m pretty bummed about it. I’ll miss very much seeing my Guru and catching up with fifty odd-friends I haven’t seen for two years. And I really, really coulda done with being secluded and focusing on my practice for a nice long stretch of time. Really.

I’ll be okay though. I mean, there’s a tonne of yoga stuff happening next month. And it won’t be the last chance I ever have to study with my Guru and see my friends. It’s just that this was the final year of seven years worth of study. That’s right – I’ve been doing yearly retreats for six years now! This final one is gonna be EPIC, and I can’t be there. *sad face*

Anyhow… time to change up the tone here and talk about some stuff that DOESN’T bring out my *sad face*:

• I’m very honoured that I’ve been included in a list of bloggy goodness: 101 Blogs to Help You Deal With Depression – of course, that’s quite a decent list of depression related blogs/websites, so it’s a very useful resource.
  ALTHOUGH, I was surprised that my Catatonic Kid wasn’t listed (note: she’s also writing another blog now called Treating Anxiety). And others (take a gander at my blogroll over —> there)!
  There’s plenty of others that should be there, but then that’s the way with lists, isn’t it? They always stop at a certain point, so there’s omissions by default. Anyway. Don’t forget to check the list out!
• I’m helping friends of mine promote a very cool sounding retreat in Bali early next year. Hopefully I’ll get to go as well. More on that one soon!
• Oh! At very short notice, I’m now teaching a yoga class tomorrow night at a laydee’s gym. And nope, I won’t be watering anything down for the gym-going crowd…
• As such, I am currently schlepping together a class plan toute suite!!
• Speaking of the ol’ yoga teaching thing, seems I’ve registered a business name, a domain and I’m in the process of setting up my website. Which I WON’T be publicising here, on account of the whole keeping this blog and my professional life a little seperate (the point of the whole nom de plume thang, y’know). I will be promoting my site via Facebook though. But yeah, I have a business name I LOVE, something that came out of a meditation experience.
• Oh and after spending another two weeks gainfully unemployed, I’m now working again for the next four weeks. Nothing spectacular, just some admin job that I took because it was there. But hey, given my current hot-cold job situation, I ain’t being choosey!
• Still looking for a more permanent job in my industry that’s interesting…

~Svasti

P.S. I think y’all should go and check out Suburban Yogini TV. Because she rocks. 🙂

Hanging out in Clear Deep Heart/Mind…

Tags

Big Things, Clear Deep Heart/Mind, Essence Nature, flooding, hail, Healesville, koan, Melbourne, Motorbikes, non-conceptual meditation, Queenstown, Retreat, storms, Zen

Somewhere near Queenstown, New Zealand August 2004

Things are shifting rapidly for me once again. Or they are not.

I’m back from retreat of course, got back on Monday night and apparently missed a huge weekend of outrageously extreme storms here in Melbourne. So extreme that a friend in Sydney sent me a text to ask if I was okay. We’re talking massive floods only a ten minute cycle from my home, hail stones the size of your fist, thunder and lightning! You can check out some photos at this link…

Out in Healesville, we had storms but nothing severe and when I got home there was no damage to report.

I desperately need some time to sit down and write, but there’s not gonna be a lot of spare time til the weekend I suspect. And even then, I’ll have some house guests – one of my best friends is arriving Friday night (in his 4WD with motorbikes on the trailer!) and two of his friends will be staying for a couple of nights, arriving late Saturday night. I’ll need to shop and make sure everything is clean and comfortable etc… and then hopefully there’ll be time to put a little more of my recent adventures into words.

For now I’m just hanging out in Clear Deep Heart/Mind and chuckling at myself and recent revelations. My friend who made it possible for me to go on this three day Zen retreat? I owe him A LOT! I just thought I was going to a beautiful location to meditate and do yoga. I had no idea what else was gonna happen! For now, let me just say it falls under the heading of Big Things.

But it’s all a bit like that right now. I think I started to catch on last year and now, here I am… some of the stuff I’ve learned with my Guru over the past seven years is starting to come home in a big way. In part, that’s due to last year’s hard work and then my recent encounters with other wonderful yoga/meditation teachers who’ve reflected and magnified certain key points for me.

You could say there’s been a lot of Ah-Ha’s going on here and I suspect I haven’t seen the last of them.

As a bit of a teaser, here’s a few observations that’ll point you to where I’m at (kinda):

• Sitting for non-conceptual meditation is one of the best and worst things in the world
• If you do this for any length of time, everything hurts but never for the reasons you think it does
• Just when you tell yourself “I’m so freakin’ screwed”, the bell rings and the world shifts all over again
• The human condition of suffering, which is caused by our fight-or-flight reaction, wants us to turn away from pain of any kind whenever we can
• Learning not to run from pain is desperately challenging but rewarding
• Anger needs to be separated out in the mind from violent actions, thoughts and deeds against ourself or others – it shouldn’t be equated with violence because anger is a feeling, where violence is a response
• Every single one of us can be an asshole (to ourselves and/or others) every day of the week if we don’t make this distinction for ourselves
• Not being an asshole affords a capacity to laugh at ourself and fills the heart with boundless compassion
• Awakenings to our true Essence Nature are closer than we can imagine – and there are many to be had!
• You can never do enough yoga!

And finally a Zen koan: Nothing is as it seems, nor is it otherwise…

There’s so much more to say, but for now that’s gonna have to do. Because there’s so much re-stacking going on, and the above-mentioned busy-ness. And I really need to find a way to explain myself better than a handful of cryptic bullet points. 😉

~Svasti

Swirling yoga love

Tags

Depression, gratitude, Healesville, houseguests, kirtan, Linda Blair, loving kindness, Mark Whitwell, motorcycles, non-dual Tantra, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Retreat, Shadow Yoga, Yoga, yoga teacher training, Zen

Whoosh! See what happens when you put your intentions out there (such as the desire to explore of different yoga styles and teachers) – apparently what happens is that opportunities come and land plum in your lap!

Been feeling a lot of gratitude at the moment. And excitement, nervousness and amazement. We’re already in March and what a rush these months have been! My head is spinning (but not in a Linda Blair kinda way).

In part that’s due to the increased amount of energy I seem to have as I glide ever further from the shores of Depression, out into a world that makes me smile for no good reason with increasing frequency…

Of course, I’m not foolish enough to think I’m “cured” forever. Once depression (and/or other related mental imbalances) have been an unwanted house guest, they tend to hang around and think they have a standing invitation.

So, like others who’ve spent more than enough time with depression, I get it. I know what triggers me and for the most part, I know what helps and heals. And just like my PTSD symptoms, I wait and watch. Will I be haunted by depression again? Possibly… but then maybe not.

For now, I’m feeling pretty darn blessed, really. I have a multitude of teachings from my Guru, and now my yoga teacher training, supplemented by learning Shadow Yoga (it still blows my mind!). I’m getting myself organised to begin teaching classes (YTAA membership, insurance etc). And in the meantime I’ve had two spectacular gifts materialise.

The first of these was Mark Whitwell’s Heart of Yoga weekend workshop in February (Valentine’s Day weekend no less!). Thanks again, to super-woman Nadine for organising everything! I’m yet to write up my experience of Mark’s teachings properly, but it’s a-coming. As are some further notes on my experiences with Shadow Yoga, possibly even in a more coherent form than I’ve managed to date.

Then there’s the kirtan group I’ve been attending for several months now, run by a local yoga teacher/talented singer and musician. The sessions have been awesome, giving me some fantastic insights. And now he’s brought an American Zen Master to Australia – a teacher he respects.

This Zen Master guy sounded really interesting and I wanted to go. But when I looked at my finances (post Mark Whitwell retreat, still paying off my yoga teacher training AND saving for retreat with my Guru in October) I could see it wasn’t going to happen.

So I explained the reasons I couldn’t come very transparently, and in response I was offered a very discounted price. I was also offered a lift there and back (required since I don’t have a car) and if needed, someone to house/cat sit for me.

Every possible reason I could say no was countered with generosity and kindness. And to be honest, I felt just a touch suspicious. Like – why would someone who doesn’t know me very well want to do those things for me?!

Then I snapped out of it and remembered that yeah, y’know there are other people out there who are unfailingly generous by nature. And I had to remind myself that I have no problem with doing something for others without expecting anything in return – I give away money, possessions and just do things for others because I can! But… I still find it hard to accept the odd occasion when people offer me such kindnesses in return. It feels unbalanced somehow (strange logic, I know). But then I figured out a compromise that made me feel better about things – I asked to be #1 helping hand on retreat, doing food preparation or whatever is required to help things run smoothly. My offer to be of service was accepted and so it’s all good.

So yay! This coming long weekend I’ll spend three days in beautiful Healesville (75 minutes out of town) for a yoga and meditation retreat, Zen-style. Which is actually quite closely aligned with non-dual Tantra, just from another perspective.

The weekend after the retreat, I’ll be having interstate houseguests and yessssss, that’ll be the sound of motorcycles parked in my carport! *grins*

And I promise, I will post about my recent wonderful yoga experiences here as soon as I can! 🙂

~Svasti

P.S. Speaking of loving kindness, check out this post on Lily’s Life: Food For Thought. A warning however – might be a good idea to have tissues at the ready while you read it!

Plans not resolutions

Tags

Ayurveda, dance, decorate, fitness, gardening, Health, Inspiration, joy, kirtan, New Year's plans, New Year's resolutions, Retreat, Thailand, Yoga

I went a little nutty last night. In part, I blame the fluey cold I’m slowly recovering from. But also, I blame that song that is apparently still haunting me on occasion. Haven’t heard it in ages, but yesterday at lunch I wandered into a supermarket to buy some pistachios and what do I hear? Yup. That dang song again! I’ve been hearing it for two or three years now, whenever big change is happening or about to happen. *looks around suspiciously*

I got home and had a sudden fit of de-clutterisation. Okay, that’s probably not even a word. But I’ve been living in my apartment for just over a year now and truth be told, I hadn’t really finished unpacking. My second room which is currently my practice room (I know it sounds fancy to have a room just for yoga and meditation, but it’s not exactly a very big room, okay?), has had crap piled up on the eastern wall pretty much since I moved in.

So I sorted the things I needed to throw out from the stuff I needed to find a place for. I was ruthless! There’s a couple of pieces of pseudo furniture in there, too: a small filing cabinet and my little sewing machine bench/table thingy. Plus a box of books and a whole bunch of other stuff I’ve simply neglected to assign to a cupboard or other storage spot. And I do have plenty of that, at least!

After several hours (where did the time go?) I had much less stuff in my practice room. The filing cabinet has been re-homed and I think once the books are gone, I might just have to deal with my sewing machine living in there. I’m cool with that… I’d also managed to free up some space (as yet unused) in the wardrobe in my bedroom and I even found more clothes and daypacks I don’t need that I can donate to charity. Somewhere along the line, I ended up with a lot of daypacks!

All of this has to do with one of my plans for 2010, so it’s good. Very good. I’m not trying to like, distract you here. Or myself. In fact, last night I was very focused. Not bad for a recovering sickie.

Anyway… like I said a couple of posts back, I don’t really like the word “resolution”. It’s too loaded and generally speaking, when people make New Year’s resolutions they often don’t last.

So instead, I like the idea of New Year’s plans. I figure if I can work out what I want to do, I can make a plan. And plans are things I can put it into action. Also, a “plan” sounds more like something I intend to do than a resolution.

And really, it’s kind of exciting because like many things for me right now, it’s the first time in years that I’ve even thought about making real plans for myself! Ending up in yoga teacher training last year was a bit of a happy accident – it’s not like I thought it through.

But this year… I feel like I might just have possibilities.

And so without further ado, I present my current list of plans. Some things will change for certain. They always do. But for now, this is what I’d like to make happen in 2010:

• Daily practice – yoga, meditation & pranayama. It’s time to build and explore.
• Continue with group personal training sessions for cardio fitness and being social.
• Build my jogging up so I can once again do 5km easily.
• Start teaching yoga classes and continue throughout the year. Current plans are to approach HR at my work and see if I can run a class in our boardroom. For starters.
• Continue studying Shadow Yoga (which might be the next YTT I take on). Next week, I’m doing an immersion: 5 mornings in a row of 6am classes. I can’t wait!
• Retreat in Thailand in October/November – It’s the final retreat in a seven year program we’ve been doing. Yup, seven years of spending 2-6 weeks a year in retreat. Except for last year, when we had a bye.
  Special note: this year is open to non-students. We just started doing that last year. If you’re interested, let me know and I can send you some information.
• Investigate all different kinds of yoga – I want to experience as many different styles and teachers as I can! There’s always my Guru and everything learn with him. I love Hatha and Shadow Yoga, but I want more! So I’m going to visit a range of studios to see how other teachers do it, and what else might resonate for me. To kick things off, in February I’m going to the Mark Whitwall weekend that Nadine Fawell is organizing.
• Get an MRI for my shoulder – that dang bike accident is still bothering me and one of my friends in Sydney very sensibly suggested I get an MRI. I simply don’t think of those things…
• Find a local Ayurveda doctor – I’ve tried a couple down in Melbourne but haven’t found one that I really like. Yet.
• Lose weight – seriously all the yoga, cycling and personal training I’ve been doing has not helped me lose weight. I tend to think it’s a side effect of depression and I know if I keep up the consistency, it will happen. But for now, umm… still working on that.
• Learn to cook better – I don’t have a great attitude about cooking just for myself. And I don’t think of myself as a good cook. Those things have to change. I’m thinking of cooking courses, and simply inviting more people over for dinner. I have cookbooks and perhaps if I create situations where I need to cook for others, it’ll start flowing a little easier for me?
• Travel before or after retreat – maybe see more of Thailand or go to Laos or Cambodia?
• Date/find a boyfriend – doesn’t have to be the love of my life, though that’d be nice! Just y’know… some practice would be good!
• Get real with money – It’s not something I’ve been great at, but I’m on a saving/cost-cutting adventure where possible. Less eating out, less erroneous spending. More saving money so I don’t end up broke the other side of retreat.
• Get more joy in my life every day – finding more ways to invoke happiness for myself. The following points are all directly related to this! Not that some of the above mentioned aren’t. Especially yoga, of course.
• Stay involved with the kirtan group – I love what’s happening there.
• More involvement with the writing group – I haven’t been to another writing group meet up since the first one. Shyness is part of it. So was having almost every weekend taken up by yoga teacher training!
• Do a bike maintenance course – learn how to do more than just fix a flat tyre for myself!
• Course to learn to write a novel – I feel like I need some structure and support there.
• Do some dance classes and/or head out to some salsa nights – I love to dance but it’s been a long time since dance was a regular part of my life. That soooo has to change!
• Decorate my house MORE – including framing some prints that’ve been waiting for EVER, re-staining my bedroom furniture, making some curtains, and decorating my practice/yoga room (hence the de-clutterisation, folks).
• Experiment with gardening – I’ve only ever grown a few herbs and this year I’d like to try growing some veggies. Cherry tomatoes, lettuce, snow peas etc. Nommy things to eat. 🙂

Yeah, so that’s sorta it for now at least. There’ll be edits, new additions, deletions and I’m sure, things I haven’t even considered yet. But it does feel good to be starting the year with some idea of what I’d like to do with myself…

~Svasti

You’ve come a long way, baby

Tags

Asana, bird’s eye view, Blogging, Depression, Fat Boy Slim, Happy blog birthday, Healing, Meditation, Nataraj, Natarajasana, Post, Post-traumatic stress, PTSD, Recovery, Retreat, Spirituality, Therapy, Trauma, Truth, Unemployed, Yoga, yoga teacher training, Yogasana

For years I was totally hopeless with balancing asana in my yoga practice. I’d wobble, fall over and enviously look at others, wondering why I couldn’t do what they did.

Then some time ago, wobbling through Natarajasana (dancer pose) I had a realisation that changed everything… You’re not just trying to balance on one leg – you need to stabilise yourself by engaging every little piece of your body!

Oh! Seems so obvious in retrospect, but for some reason I really didn’t get that, until I did.

In turn, this taught me something important about life, in a very practical (not theoretical) way: Nothing in our lives is disconnected. Nothing.

Funnily enough, I’ve had this realisation many times – during meditation, from reading books and listening to dozens of lectures on the matter too.

Seems we don’t get it, until we do. Nothing is disconnected.

We’ve come a long long way together
Through the hard times and the good
I have to celebrate you baby
I have to praise you like I should
~Fat Boy Slim

For those of us consciously trying to heal our inner wounds, with our fragmented selves desperately trying to keep up… we’re often so busy focusing on the trauma, it’s hard to see the bigger picture.

Just for now though, I’m taking a bird’s eye view, trying to see the lay of the land, so to speak.

Why? Well, today marks the first birthday of Svasti! Hip-hip-hooray!!

To quote my last post, this blog grew as something of an impulse – a very strong desire to save my sanity. A much needed space to expel the violence, sadness and struggles I’d been dealing with all alone. Screaming into cyberspace seemed like a good idea, and I was right.

Blogging I’ve found… is sort of like travelling the world with an entirely different perspective. Instead of seeing museums and temples and the like, I find myself surveying the inner workings of people’s minds all ‘round the world.

In the process, I’ve made a lot of friends and learned plenty about myself and others.

Such as: There’s no simple cure to PTSD or depression. And there’s peaks and troughs to recovery. The peaks make me feel like I’m finally getting somewhere. The troughs make me feel like checking out of Hotel de Life.

Healing is not a one-shot deal. There’s no magic pill to solve all my ills, or anyone else’s. But the more we express, the better it gets (in the long run, if not straight away).

And given human nature is how it is, we find resonance in each other’s words. We discover we aren’t alone. We’re all connected. So, what we write can benefit others. That’s a good thing!

But I’ve also learned the assault I started writing about was only a small part of the story – a kind of bookend really, to a certain era of my life. An era I’m learning I need to write about. That’s all connected, too.

In the last twelve months I’ve: started therapy, quit a stable (but soul-destroying job), spent five weeks in spiritual retreat, conquered the worst of my PTSD symptoms (although I’m far from symptom-free), gained and lost another job, had a second niece arrive, found new friends, started yoga teacher training and struggled with a very morbid attack of depression. And I’ve spent the better part of this year unemployed, surviving on a fraction of what I usually earn.

Seems I’ve been shedding one skin after the other, kinda like an onion and with just as many tears.

But none of it is disconnected, I’m convinced of that. Where we’re at is a result of where we’ve been. There’s no plot device that led me down this path.

Gotta say this much – it’s a glorious place from which to find my balance in life, and I know I can do it.

So, here’s to the next twelve months in my/everyone else’s journey.

And thanks everyone for reading!

~Svasti

Yoga retreat notes & good news

Tags

Depression, Happiness, Homa, Mudra, PTSD, Reincarnation, Retreat, Sanskrit, Thailand, Yagya, Yoga

Feels like an absolute age since I wrote a post, but actually it’s only been a week (didya miss me or what?).

I’m finally back home after a very wonderful break. Got in last night, actually.

And I realised, last week was the first time I’ve actually stopped doing stuff (non-stop) for six months – since I got back from Thailand.

There was the Great Job Hunt for a couple of months there… then a month of schlepping a long distance commute once I actually had a job (bus plus two trains) to work every day, from my parents’ place in Suburbia-Urbia to the city.

Then there was the house hunt, then moving, Christmas, unpacking for a good two months and finally… a week of bliss, hanging with some of my very good friends, studying things I like studying. Ahhhhh…

There, in a large double story house in western Sydney, we had little to do but hang out together, focus on our studies, meditate, do yoga, cook, eat and swim. Very relaxing…

Did I mention I was surrounded by people who love me? People who’ve known me for years, fellow students of my Guru? [grins]

So, besides relaxing, what did I accomplish? Well…

• I’m now confident, when faced with a page full of transliterated Sanskrit, that I can pronounce (most of) what I see. I can break it down, sound it out and figure out how it goes together. I can work out the meter it’s chanted in too, for the most part. I even know the meaning of a bunch of said Sanskrit words.
• I can perform puja with sixteen upacaras (offerings). I’m not 100% brilliant yet… but well on the way.
• Not to mention yagyas/homas (fire ceremony) – especially with my brilliant new sruk and srva (offering implements) carved from Jack fruit and all the way from Bali (brought back by one of my friends). They’re cool – the sruk is ‘female’ and the srva is ‘male’ (photos to come).
• Oh! And you should see my mudras (ritual hand gestures)! I mean, really!! We learned around twenty or so… and lemme tell ya, it aint easy. Fingers are generally pretty stiff (mudras are yoga for fingers) and given my entirely undiagnosed dyslexia… well, when you’re trying to work out which finger connects with another… hmmm, it can be challenging. But by the last day, I’d finally conquered ‘denhu’ mudra (cow mudra) – the most complex of the lot!
  And before you ask, photos of mudras will be later this week…

Now, for the news!

Then, while I was up there, only logging on once a day or so to check emails… I got the email I’d been waiting for.

I was accepted into a certificate level Hatha Yoga Practitioner training course!

Hooray!!

The course can be done as a one year certificate, but it’s also the first year of a two year Advanced Yoga Teacher Training course.

So, it’s a step towards my goal of attaining yoga teacher qualifications, which is important in a number of ways.

Ideally I want out of working in my current industry. Actually, I’d be happy if I could do that part-time and then teach yoga and belly dancing part-time as well.

There was a time, many years ago now… where I made a decision. I abandoned my hippie/arty lifestyle in favour of earning some decent money. I’d struggled on not much money for a long time and bit the bullet.

It was the beginning of working in the corporate world. A place I never felt very comfortable, but which afforded me all kinds of opportunities – study, travel, and finding my way into my current line of work.

I’m part way there, having left the realm of the corporate world (with no plans to return); I’m now working in small business as a consultant.

But having emerged from the worst (I hope so anyway) of my depression and the deathly grip of PTSD flashbacks… I want to make another choice.

Happiness.

I want happiness. I want to do work that speaks to my heart and soul, and that’s aligned with my spiritual path. I want to love my job, not just like or tolerate it.

Because I’m tired. Of doing things for other people, putting my own needs second to other things and people. Y’see, if I’m happy, then I can serve others so much better!

Life isn’t meant to be so hard. We create our own suffering, feeling we ‘have’ to do certain things. Because society, family or friends expect us to. Because we’re told that’s how life is.

Well, I say screw that.

My theme for 2009 (if I had such a thing, and I don’t really) is something like taking the reins. Taking control, cutting through the bullshit, and bringing more peace and joy into my life.

Coz damn, regardless of whether there’s such a thing as reincarnation, we only ever live one life at a time.

I’m determined to be of service to others, to bring my external and internal worlds into alignment.

And regardless of whether anyone else is, I’m planning on being proud of the life I’ve led…

~Svasti

Reflections

Tags

Guru, Meditation, Recovery, Retreat, Self-Awareness, Yoga

As some of you may be aware, I’ve just returned from a five week stay in Thailand. Much of this time was dedicated to my annual retreat for the spiritual path I’m initiated into.

Every moment of my time on retreat was joyous and wonderful – even when it wasn’t. I didn’t want to leave and quite truthfully if I didn’t have to worry about money, family, my cat or other worldly attachments I would have stayed. Eventually, I will retire there, to this property my school has purchased. But in the foreseeable future I’ll be visiting as often as I can for our training intensives and for my own private retreat time.

In terms of what we did – yoga and meditation sessions every day starting between 5.30 – 6.00am most mornings. Discussion and study of the Siva Sutras – a classical meditation text. Working on the property – helping prepare the permaculture garden, rejuvenate the soil on the rest of the land, planting, hoeing etc… We had the blessing of local chefs cooking for us in traditional Isan (northern Thailand)/Laos style cooking. It was clean and delicious. The landscape and weather were amazing. We lived in bamboo huts and bathed either in the pond (skinny dipping) or bucket bathing in banana circles. Most poetic. Warm. Divine.

Having a Guru is a curious thing, especially for westerners who might view such a thing with suspicion. I’m not going to address that topic however, except to say that for those with an authentic Guru, it is both delightful and terrifying to spend so much time in close proximity to that personage.

Delightful because you’ve never met anyone who is so loving, open, and compassionate. Someone so flexible, nurturing and giving. Someone with more knowledge and wisdom than they can possibly share, whilst remaining intensely humble and caring.

Terrifying because to be around a genuine Guru is to sit in a karmic pressure cooker. Whatever ‘stuff’ you have is going to come out one way or another. It’s not always pretty, but this is what we pray for – to be opened up as wide as possible. To purify our samskaras (karmic patterns of limitation) to lead us into freedom, to an enlightened nature. However, this can be exceptionally confrontational and scary. As yogis, we need to be ready for anything and accepting of whatever happens.

Amongst other learnings on this retreat, I think I finally gained a broader view of my samskaras. It’s a complex picture with several moving parts, interconnecting and feeding each other. This is possibly why I’ve found myself to be such a slippery customer in terms of piercing my own delusions.

And it puts my experience of being assaulted in perspective actually. It’s a part of the bigger picture, fitting right in with existing patterns that I’ve had possibly all of my life.

These insights were things I already knew about myself ofcourse, but hadn’t connected up in this way before. The themes include:

• Love – wanting it, not wanting it, heartbreak, putting massive castle walls up to protect my heart, mistaking other things for love
• Discrimination – choosing inappropriate men, not knowing what’s good for me, inability to assert myself when I should, taking care of the needs of others before my own
• Self-perception – low self esteem, thinking no-one will be interested in me

I should qualify the above by saying that I am generally pretty functional and self-aware. And I have done constant work on these things over the years.

However, even whilst grinding down my ‘stuff’ to ever finer ‘stuff’… until it’s gone, a seed always remains. And I think… generally we just have no idea how much the undercurrents of our patterns influence our moment to moment behaviour.

I still have much to write on this blog about what has been. But now, I can see ahead with a great deal more clarity. I can see, I think, a little of where I’m going for the first time in years. And I will try to explain it a little here, interspersed with fleshing out the rest of the story of my recovery.

One thing I know I have to be careful about right now is men. You see, I really do suck when it comes to choosing which men to let into my life. A minor insight from retreat is that any personal power I gain from being on retreat apparently attracts energy vampires. So I need to look very carefully at any men who turn up in the next six months…

I’ve known my Guru for many years now, but I was only formally initiated into the lineage a month or two before I met Andre. I came home from that retreat all juicy with lots of shakti and inspiration.

Then, last year after returning from retreat in the U.S. I met a man that appeared to be very genuine and together. The first man I’ve been involved with since Andre. But in fact, he was very weak and deluded with no idea who he really is. His M.O. however, was to feed off the energy of the women he targets – women who are ‘damaged’ in some way. I’ll tell more of that story another time!

Essentially, doing spiritual work is rejuvenating, it’s powerful and self-nourishing. And, this time I’d like to avoid having some random guy undo my good work.

So I’m declaring that for now, as much as I’d love a relationship, as much as I miss sex like crazy – no men! Not for the rest of the year. I mean, they can be around; I can be friends with them. But I just can’t get involved… not until I’ve known them for a bit and I can see them clearly.

And not until I’ve stabilised the work I’ve been doing.

More soon…

~Svasti

Resurfacing…

Tags

Retreat, Spirituality, Thailand, Yoga

Why hello!

My last night in Bangkok before flying home and I thought I’d pay my blog a little visit. Thanks to those who’ve been coming to read it whilst I’ve been away.

Until I’m safely back home, I wanted to share this lovely view with you – its the view from our yoga hall towards the east. The cloud cover over the mountain is the most beautiful thing, revealing and obscuring the massive size of it. The view is something that looks like a movie set, its so perfect.

So, I’ve been on retreat for four weeks and many things have changed. Many remain the same. And I’ve had a week of absolute joy in both Bangkok and down south on an island called Koh Semet. I have much to tell, many insights to share.

But for now I beg of you to enjoy the view I’ve been breathing in for the last month. I hope it brings you some inspiration as it has for me.

Namaste 🙂

~Svasti