A River of Stones 2012

Tags

#reverb10, #smallstone, A River of Stones, mindful writing, Small Stone 2012, writing challenge, writing prompt

This time last year, I participated in the #Reverb10 writing challenge. But due to the rather hectic time I was having in November and December (not to mention going to Bali!), I realised I wouldn’t be able to join in again this time.

However, for the month of January 2012 I’ll be taking part in A River of Stones 2012 (AROS).

Why? Because a few people I know have already committed, and because it’s exciting as a writer to be challenged by someone else’s ideas.

AROS asks writers to partake in mindful writing – observation of the world around us, and write a few lines about that observation each day.

The first challenge for me might very well be about keeping each observation small, since I tend towards longer prose (read: it can be hard to shut me up!). But I’m excited to be doing this.

It is suggested that writers keep a notebook for their observations, and I realised I already have one.

I’d never been able to think of the perfect purpose for Karin’s amazing notebook, but I do believe this is it!

Utterly perfect, no?

So the plan is to write up my small stones in my lovely notebook, and then once a week I’ll post them here.

Perhaps you’d like to join this writing challenge, too?

Anyone can, so feel free to jump in, feet first. 🙂

~Svasti

Happy New Year & final #reverb10

Tags

#reverb10, Air Bourne, beer, champagne, cobwebs, core story, Growth, Healing, honesty, learning, Love, New Years Eve, Service, Truth, Yoga, You Am I

A little of last night's liquid joy 😉

Happy New Year, everyone!

Isn’t it wonderful to be here on the first day of a brand new year?

I hope you enjoyed your new year’s celebrations, whatever form they took.

For the first time in too many years and perhaps not entirely wisely, I decided that I’d go out for the evening and get down with my funky (??!) self. Haha. So I ended up at a live music gig at a Melbourne landmark, the Espy Hotel. The line up featured You Am I and Air Bourne, lots of awesomeness there!

Much fun was had, ridiculous amounts of beer were consumed (after the champagne I drank at home – I can’t tell you how rare such a boozy night is for me!) and many insane tweets were sent (if you missed out on those, consider yourself lucky!).

So here we are, the final #reverb10 post, and the first day of a brand new year. It’s been really interesting writing about personal topics based on other people’s questions, and fascinating to realise as a result just how central and deeply ingrained yoga really is to my life.

It’s also been a wonderful discipline to write almost every day and though I doubt I’ll keep that up for daily blog posts in future, I think I’ll aim to do some personal writing each day now. Coz it really helps keep the cobwebs from forming.

Core Story. What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world?
(Bonus: Consider your reflections from this month. Look through them to discover a thread you may not have noticed until today.)
~ December 31 prompt

My core story is a delicious cocktail (vodka martini, anyone?) of these things:

• Being of service – using whatever skills I possess to help those in need.
• Healing – myself and by extension, the way I interact with others
• Growth – change is always possible if we really want it enough.
• Learning, always learning – may I never stop!
• The giving and accepting of love – this heart of mine contains endless amounts of the stuff…
• Yoga – my saving grace, my teacher and my bestest buddy.
• Honesty – I’ll answer stuff honestly even if it’s not always to my advantage.
• Truth – the seeking of it, speaking and living it.

Reading back through my #reverb10 posts, these ARE the common threads. It’s all pretty much where I’m coming from as well as where I’m headed.

May your New Year be bright and full of love!

~Svasti xo

A most memorable gift #reverb10

Tags

#reverb10, charm, desperation, evil, evil eye, gifts, Grief, hamsa, Morocco, souk, travels

Gift. This month, gifts and gift-giving can seem inescapable. What’s the most memorable gift, tangible or emotional, you received this year?
~ December 30 prompt

These are all gifts: love, hope, re-discovering my zest for life, creating new dreams, yoga, nieces, unexpected friendships, teaching, writing, personal revelations and crazy amounts of healing… and this year contained them all.

I’m having trouble however, propping up just one and pronouncing it the “most” memorable. Most. Like, more than the rest?

But I’d like to share with y’all gift my sister gave to me in November.

She and my brother-in-law took their two little girls to meet his family in Morocco. He’s the youngest of eight children and his mother is now very old. So old and wrinkly, that my eldest niece was terrified of her and told my sister that my brother-in-law’s mother eats children. Hehe! 😉

As an aside – a few months ago my sister came back to me and it was a balm for my heart. Finally, she acknowledged that she hadn’t really been there when I needed her the most. It was good.

Back to the story… just as my sister and her brood arrived at the airport for their enormous trip, I found myself experiencing feelings of abandonment. She rang to say goodbye and I realised (doh!) she actually WAS leaving the country for a whole month!

Guess I didn’t realise how much I relied on her being around. Even though we’re now grown up and no longer living in each other’s pockets, sharing the same bedroom, making up games, writing notes that we’d crumple up and launch across the room from one bed to another, having crazy little girl fights and dividing that room in half while negotiating terms for getting to the door or the wardrobe (on one side each of our “halves”).

These days there’s no time with all of her motherly duties to be giggling while eating ice-cream together, going on mad-cap adventures to re-live the tap classes of our youth or gossiping about boys over hot chocolates. Our relationship has changed; there’s less time to speak as sisters and even less than that to spend alone, just the two of us. Nowadays, there’s stuff we don’t know about each when we used to tell each other everything.

And despite our lack of connectedness, I keenly felt her impending absence like the sharpest of knives delicately pressing against my neck, leaving me breathless.

I broke down on the phone in my grief and sorrow, and I felt her desperation and powerlessness as she sat there doing her best with two little kids in an airport and about to leave the country. There was nothing either of us could do.

She heard me, I know that much. And she put a lot of effort into staying in touch while they were away. And it was good.

Finally they returned and there’s that whole present-buying thing people do. Returning home with trinkets from far-off places as if to say: please accept this tiny fragment of my experience.

And you know my feelings on “stuff” – that I want less of it – not extra “things” to feel obligated to have and hold and retain, for what reason?? If there’s one thing I’ve made abundantly clear about myself to my family, it’s that.

Regardless, I was a gift recipient as I knew I would be and I wanted to be grateful. A couple of decorative things from my parents (who’d also been overseas at the same time), and a tiny little box – perhaps an inch square – from my sister. Well, at least that one was small!

As I opened the box (red, green and silver foil) I exhaled and share a bonded moment of telepathy with my sister. Huh. Inside lying on cotton wool was this pendant:

It’s known as a hamsa – commonly worn as jewelery and/or displayed as an ornament in Moroccan homes in to ward off the “evil eye”.

And it is beautiful, elegantly and wordlessly conveying all of the wishes that I know live in my sister’s heart for me: to find love and happiness; for life to improve; for no more evil things to cross my path.

I can only offer my thanks, though I can’t look at her directly because if I do I might start sobbing. I can’t share words or in any other way convey my understanding of what she was thinking when, in a souq halfway around the world she bargained for this small piece of silver. I get it.

One of my birthday presents a couple of weeks ago was a white gold necklace to wear the pendant on – I’d nothing suitable – and since then I’ve worn it every day.

It’s not because I believe it can really ward me from evil as such (and anyway, I don’t really consider evil to be an entity like that). Rather, I wear it because it holds the promise of our sisterhood, and her very best wishes.

I love it very much, because that is a charm I can believe in. And it is very, very good.

~Svasti

Yoga Tattuesday & Ordinary Joy #reverb10

Tags

#reverb10, Anxiety, back seat driver, big gaping hole, Depression, disassociation, Enlightenment, fairy floss, fork in the road, Meditation, morbid alternative, ordinary joy, Self-destruction, sense of enjoyment, spaciousness, vacuum, Yoga, Yoga Tattuesday

Before I get into the next #reverb10 post, I just wanted to mention that Birdie over at Yogi, Interrupted has written a feature post on my tattoo as part of her Yoga Tattuesday series.

Go check it out and say hello to Birdie! 😀

Ordinary Joy. Our most profound joy is often experienced during ordinary moments. What was one of your most joyful ordinary moments this year?
~ December 27 prompt

Actually, this year has had a bunch of them. Mostly as I previously described: those moments when I’ve realised that depression is no longer running the show.

Where I’ve been surprised by my own darkness-free sense of enjoyment. Free of anxiety, even. Those moments are almost unbelievable and they appear a little bit mysteriously. Think of fairy floss magically wrapping itself around a stick: there’s other forces at work, but to the naked eye things suddenly appear to change.

Like… hey, I think I’m feeling pretty happy right now. For no particular reason… Fuck, but that can be mind-blowing when you’re used to a more morbid alternative!

Don’t get me wrong, depression still sticks its nose out every so often looking for a soft place to land and dig in. That’s its nature. Once it’s had a taste of you, it always wants more. Although it should be noted that the “it” I’m referring to is none other than our own minds. Depression is not an imposition from the outside, but one way that our brain functions or rather, dysfunctions.

Over time the onset of depression’s symptoms get easier to recognise and as long as I’m still doing yoga, riding my bike and connecting with nature then it can’t easily get a foothold.

Not that it doesn’t try.

Most interestingly, while examining my mind recently I noticed that depression shares the same root experience as meditation. A sense of spaciousness. A big gaping hole. A vacuum.

However if you’re not prepared for that kind of spaciousness, it can be very scary. It can even look a little bit like death. No matter who you are or how much work you’ve done on yourself it can be quite shocking.

I know this from my own experience – I’ve been shocked several times now, via both depression and meditation.

And perhaps depression is just one fork in the road, a really well-trodden path because the alternative is… what? Self-destruction?

Unless you’ve had any meditation experience, then there aren’t really too many other roads to take. You can’t see them and even if you could, they wouldn’t make much sense. Because there’s just too much noise going on there in the ol’ mind.

Problem is, once you’ve become acquainted with that sense of empty space, it never really goes away. In fact, it can be a little bit like the worst back seat driver imaginable. Always commenting and shadowing your actions, seemingly not being helpful at all. Butting in when you wish they’d just SHUT THE HELL UP! Ever present and waiting, causing unnecessary stress.

Until we learn to relax and humour it: the back seat driver; depression. Take your pick. Life isn’t going to end because of them, not unless we allow it to.

This is why I say that yoga and meditation had as much to do with my recovery as all the therapy I’ve ever had.

The physical practice of yoga – all that movement and controlled breathing – was just what I needed to get out of my head, because depression lives in the mind and then invades the body.

To build up my sensitivity in order to dispel disassociation. To sense and feel in ways that weren’t too scary.

The practice of meditation helps us understand the mind’s vagaries and also provides discipline. And it is this discipline that we need in order to free ourselves of the endless terrors the mind will cook up if we let it.

Endless hours of this kind of work: vigilant observation of the mind; moving my sorry ass around instead of sinking further into the couch; feeling, even when it was painful to do so; facing the truth about my experiences, as much as they hurt.

And my reward is this: these little moments of ordinary joy.

Of rejoicing in a glorious sunny day while waiting for the train.

Of skipping gleefully down some street and noticing the beauty of a tangled mess of tree roots.

Of talking to animals I come across, just to say hello.

A cute random dog I befriended on the street

Of that incredible high I get post-yoga class, body and mind engaged and experiencing life fully as an integrated mind-body awareness. Less a singular person and more a living organism, just a part of the whole.

Of all of those things and more. Ordinary moments of joy, indeed.

~Svasti

Soul food and photos – a #reverb10 compilation

Tags

#reverb10, beginners luck, Depression, foodie, Healing, images, obsession, Photos, Poached Egg Maestro, poached eggs, PTSD, self-portrait, Soul food, Yoga

Soul Food. What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul?
~ December 26 prompt

I confess: I’m not a foodie. I WISH I felt the passion for food and pouring over cookbooks that many of my friends do. But no. For me, food is mostly functional and when I’m enjoying a meal, it’s not the food I remember so much as the company.

However, there is a dish that’s inspired me this year: the humble and beautiful poached egg.

Eggs served on avocado, kale and spinach & topped with cracked pepper

Don’t you just think there’s something so wholesome and wonderful about them? I do. The way they look, all imperfectly wrapped up in a swoosh of egg white. The perky-to-runny yolks (depending on preference). The many elegant ways of serving them – my current favourite is toasted English muffins spread with cream cheese, whole grain mustard and rocket leaves and topped with the eggs, cracked pepper and shaved parmesan. Yum!

The inception of my poached egg obsession was the very special day CK and I planned for Shiv’s birthday in Sydney on 1^st January. Part of our plan was to make a picnic brunch, including the aforementioned eggs. Neither CK or I had much experience with them, but luckily I had chef-like friends who did!

So I watched keenly as one of my very good friends made our breakfast and days later at CK’s apartment in her tiny kitchenette, I was in the driver’s seat. The newly appointed Poached Egg Maestro! And call it beginners luck, but somehow that first batch worked out perfectly.

That’s when the real work began though: it’s all about the technique and being able to reproduce excellent poached googs on a moment’s notice.

So for many months of 2010, I’d make them for myself every weekend.

And here’s what I learned:

How to make awesome poached eggs

The first thing you need to know about making proper poached eggs is to use a deep frypan or a shallow saucepan. Add a dash of vinegar to the water and let it boil. Once it’s boiled, turn the heat down to a simmer so it’s not splashing hot water around violently while you try to slide your eggs in!

While you waited for your water to boil, you’ve already cracked open each egg into an individual cup (or do them one at a time and use the same cup). Use a spoon to make a whirlpool in the water and once you’ve got a good little funnel going, empty the egg into the middle.

It’ll swirl around for a bit before it gets down to the business of cooking. The artistry of poached eggs is in this part: how long you cook them for. The longer they poach, the less runny the yolk will be. But getting it right, understanding the way the yolk looks in its little white overcoat is something you can only learn through experience. By experimenting again and again.

Scoop your eggs out with a slotted spoon and (evil of all evils, I know) use paper towel to blot excess water off them. I’ve tried just letting them drain but it doesn’t work as well, unfortunately.

Arrange them to suit your tastes and serve!

::

Photo – a present to yourself. Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.
~ December 25 prompt

Can’t say I’m much for photos of myself. Never have been, actually. While I’m not sure if I’d be classified as having body dysmorphic disorder, the description sure sounds a lot like me.

The truth is that I’ve never been able to see myself clearly in the mirror or in photos. All I notice are my faults and it’s a rare day that I actually like a photo that I’m in (I am getting better with that however). So I’ve tended to avoid them in general.

It’s a thing that goes back to the years of my brother’s daily abuses. I’ve managed to work through most of the stuff he used to say and do, but not the stuff about how I look. The topic even came up unbidden in my last kinesiology appointment… it’s still alive and kicking.

My aversion to photos got an awful lot worse when I developed PTSD and depression – no prizes for working out why. Suffice to say there’s not a heck of a lot of photos of me from 2005-2010.

I know. It’s on my list of ‘stuff’ to deal with and my methods are yoga, meditation and kinesiology. Another thing I try to do is notice when I do think I look nice. I’ll eyeball myself in the mirror and say: Hey, I look really cute today! I know that might sound kind of vain, but if you’ve lived in my shoes then you’ll understand the necessity.

So this photo (a self-portrait with my iPhone) is very typical of my attitude to how I look and to having photos taken. Can I be in the shadows, please? Can we avoid looking too closely at my features? All of those things make me uncomfortable.

And that’s probably why I like yoga so much, too. Because it helps me see myself as a whole being –  inside and out – rather than just an external image to fret over…

That said, there’s this other photo I took of myself a couple of weeks ago. As a self-birthday present, I’d just been to the hairdressers for the first time in over three months and with a new cut and colour, I was feeling pretty good about the way I looked. Which is rare.

Looking at my eyes in that photo, I can see a lot has changed. I’ve accepted an awful lot more. I no longer look as sad or desperate, and there’s a softness to my expression. It’s a mark of change, and it’s also a mark of turning thirty-nine. It’s the first photo I’ve seen of myself in a long time that I’ve liked.

And I’d show it you you but the thing is as a rule I don’t put identifying photos of myself up on this blog, sorry! 😀

~Svasti

Christmas Eve & everything’s okay #reverb10

Tags

#reverb10, Christmas, Christmas Eve, equinox, Everything IS okay, full moon, Love, solstice, you are loved

A few minutes after this post goes live, the wee hours of Christmas Day will be upon us (here in Australia anyway).

I’m not much of a Christmas person really. For one I’m not a Christian, so the celebration of the birth of a guy who wasn’t even born on 25th December doesn’t really do much for me. I’m more interested in solstices and equinoxes and full moons in general, I guess.

Never mind. I’ve come to accept that for me, it’s a day to spend with family (if you’re lucky enough to have any nearby that aren’t too freaky). My definition of family is about where my heart is, and a lot of my family don’t live here in Australia. But my blood family do, we’re a small band of people.

Things have been up and down for a while in my relationship with my parents. We’re on more of an even keel now, but one that was born of my acceptance that they love me in whatever way they can. Thank goodness for my sweet nieces, because without them it’d still feel like a very lonely day, surrounded by disassociated family members, too much food, and gifts I don’t need.

Perhaps that sounds ungrateful, but if you’ve been reading along then you’ll know I’ve been dredging the channels of my inner world for a while now. One of the results of that, is being okay with things that aren’t great and at the same time working out what I really want, and being clear with myself.

And I’m clear that this isn’t one of my favourite holidays.

Christmas for the last bunch of years hasn’t been much fun for me – everyone being so cheery and excited! None of it made any sense in the face of the terror and grief I lived with every second of my days.

But anyway, that is past. This Christmas feels… empty in some way. I’m not excited by it, but then again I’m not overly freaked out either. It’s just neutral territory and a day to get through.

::

Everything’s OK. What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?
~December 24th prompt

Everything IS okay, even when life is doing it’s best impersonation of a commercial junk pile, and I’ve felt like I’d never kick my way out.

But a moment of proof that everything will be alright? I’m not sure there’s been a definitive point in time like that.

Except maybe this: a time where I was unsettled and ruffled, jobless and stressed.

I spent a day with my sister and nieces, hanging out at their place. I’m sure I was freaking out my sister with my rather dark mood, until the second smallest person in the house opened her mouth.

We all love you, Auntie Svasti, she says. Unprompted, unrehearsed and utterly perfect.

Oh good lord, wisdom from a child!! Does it get any better than that?

Yeah, everything’s gonna be alright… despite appearances. It really is.

::

Regardless of how you’re spending your Christmas Day, I wish you love. I send you warmth and hugs and if you’re alone, I want you to know that you’re never really alone.

The best knowledge we can learn is that regardless of our circumstances, we are ALL loved and lovable. Even if everything seems hopeless. My sweet little niece showed me that.

Be well, take good care of yourself and if there’s no one around to hug you, hug yourself! And know that if I could, I’d be there doling out my very own version of a bear hug. Just for you.

~Svasti xo

I’m likely to introduce myself like this #reverb10

Tags

#reverb10, banana bread, Compassionate Instincts, courageous, cup of tea, Don't Know, fleshly borders, gypsy warrior queen, Hilarious Giggles, introductions, king tide, lotus, measure of this Self, mediation, memories, mirror, name, ocean, reflections, shadows, sky, sunrise, wind, winding mountain path

New Name. Let’s meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why?
~ December 23 prompt

My name, you say? Not quite sure any more.

Used to think I was just the Me I see

In my reflection.

Later, I learned mediation and began to understand.

Fleshly borders don’t define Who I Am.

Activities, likes and dislikes, clothes, a job

Don’t make the measure of this Self.

There was a night and a day

Where I swore I was Shiva!

It’s not that I’m wrong,

But here in this place

I’m both less and more than I seem.

::

So look in my eyes, tell me what you see.

Coz these days if you ask

I’m likely to introduce myself like this:

I am a lotus: feet buried in the earth and skyward blooming!

I am the sky: multi-hued and changeable!

I am the wind: gentle caresses and wildness combined!

I am the ocean: sometimes darkly brooding, others shining like diamonds!

I am a bird! An ant! A winding mountain path!

I’m an ancient tome of wisdom! A lollipop! A mouse!

I am shadows, I am darkness, I’m in your nightmares too.

But I’m also a gypsy warrior queen, with hugs and love for all.

I’m the heart of the world and words in your heart.

I’m the spark in your eye when you’re looking fine (and you know it).

I am everything you never wanted to be.

I’m ugly, I’m bold and madly courageous.

I am lessons, I am memories, I’m your cup of tea.

Yes, I’m all that and so very much more.

::

But mostly

Who I Am

Is Don’t Know

Not Knowing

Open-Hearted Service

Cavernous Space

Compassionate Instincts

Beloved

Loving

Home baked banana bread

And Hilarious Giggles.

::

So tell me again what you see,

And label me that which mirrors your vision,

Because that I am too.

And so my dearest, are you.

~Svasti

 

“Vincent” the question mark butterfly from http://www.projectinsect.com/gallery/Vincent.htm

Stuff my Future Self might say #reverb10

Tags

#reverb10, advice, current me, flow, future me, letters, past me, time travel, Wake up

 

Future Self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?)
~December 21 prompt

At the risk of repeating myself, the whole concept of a five-year future plan isn’t in my repertoire. I can barely piece together one year at a time, and generally I don’t think I’m in charge of such things. As a friend of mine likes to say, life works best when there’s a flow, and in such a flow you can kind of guide where things are going in the foreseeable future. But only that.

My Future Self however, might have this to say to the Current Me:

Hey chica,

You always knew time travel was possible

And this is your proof!

Yes, I’m YOU (me/us) from December 2015!!

(don’t share the whole time travel thing with anyone for a little while, okay?)

Anyway… if I remember correctly

The end of 2010 was another one of those turning points we’ve had so many of now

But life’s gonna get real interesting in the next five years

You’ll go places (internally and externally) you never imagined for yourself

Not saying it’s gonna be easy because, y’know…

It’s never really been that way, has it?

But you’ll be happy. Really happy.

The most important thing you need to remember is this:

BE TRUE TO YOURSELF

BE TRUE TO YOURSELF

BE TRUE TO YOURSELF

Keep that top of mind, and it’ll all work out.

Love Me/You/Us from 2015 xo

A little while back I wrote a letter to my 12 year old self, but what would I say to my 29 year old self if I had the chance? Keeping in mind, of course that I actually can’t change anything that’s already happened.

Hmmm, maybe it’d go something like this:

Hey sweetie,

It’s time to wake up.

Wake up.

I said, WAKE UP!

Yep, it’s me. Or rather, you. I know, how weird is that?!

It’s not that I thought you were physically asleep just now

But you do an awful lot of day dreaming, don’t you?

You’re doing well for yourself and life is pretty good right now

Well sorta, compared to what’s coming

I don’t mean to scare you

But things are gonna get real ugly for a while there…

Don’t worry though: there’s both love and a life you’ll adore on the other side of your 30’s

And hey: all that writing you put off for so long?

It’s gonna pour out of you eventually

There’s a few things I want to tell you about

and I hope you listen

and remember them

In fact, it’s probably a good idea to write them down

Or even get them tattooed somewhere you can see them

(I know, you’ve been waiting for the RIGHT tattoo, but get this one anyway)

That’s how important this advice is, okay?

::

Don’t panic when your life falls apart (and it will)

Nothing is ever quite as you imagined it

Don’t be distracted

Never let anyone talk you into something that feels wrong

Listen to your own instincts above all else

Don’t forget: nothing is permanent

::

Love, Future You xo

~Svasti

Getting the jump on avoidance #reverb10

Tags

#reverb10, Anxiety, Avoidance, budget, Coping, Depression, expectations, fear of failure, horse dung, perfection, PTSD, survival

Would you believe that I’ve been avoiding the #reverb10 avoidance topic? Yep. I’m pretty sure I’ve got a good reason for that, but then aren’t reasons just justifications for our need to avoid stuff? I kinda think that could be the case…

Beyond Avoidance. What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)
~ December 20 prompt

You know what? I don’t believe in “should” any more. “Should” suggests that if you don’t do something, then you’re a bad person or a failure in some way and I think that’s a load of horse dung.

However, I can talk for miles about avoidance. From first-hand experience I can tell you that avoidance is a coping strategy, and if you’re living with PTSD or any other kind of anxiety or depression then you’re gonna be a master of avoidance. You’ll probably even avoid talking about the things you avoid, especially if asked a direct question.

Why? Because the things a person in that situation is avoiding – large or small – are things their subconscious considers dangerous to their mental and/or physical health.

For example: I refused to say the name of my abuser to anyone, even myself. For almost three years I couldn’t write it, think of it and I sure as hell couldn’t say it. Eventually I did, but it almost killed me to get those words out.

My most common reference to that dude was “the guy who assaulted me”. I simply avoided drawing attention to the fact I hadn’t named him and as such, most people didn’t notice. Which was great because for the longest time his name – which is Apu – held a lot of power. Power I allowed it to have, not anything real.

So avoidance is a reaction to fear, and way of surviving when we feel threatened. But the more we give in to avoiding stuff, the less likely we are to do the thing we’re avoiding.

Avoidance in 2010

For the first four months of 2010 I avoided doing much at all about being a yoga teacher. Eventually I nailed myself on that however by telling myself I had to give it a go. As terrifying as it was I knew if I didn’t at least try, I’d kick myself later.

What else have I avoided? Hmmm, I’d say lots of things. I think it’s a standard human response to being busy, stressed or fearful and the best way to combat avoidance is to pay attention to what’s going on. It gets exacerbated by mental health issues, but we all have to deal with it in some way.

As I might’ve mentioned, I’m terrible with money and detest doing my own budget (although if I didn’t have one I’d be completely lost). So every pay day I drag my heels when it comes to looking at my budget spreadsheet, moving money around and paying bills.

Usually it only lasts a few days until I give myself a nudge, but in those days I notice my ever-increasing reticence to this mundane task. There’s a haze of (fake) confusion and overwhelm that grows in direct proportion to my heel-dragging.

Kicking avoidance in the nuts

In the 11 things post, I’ve made a list of the stuff I plan to kick out of my life next year. And if I’m going to avoid anything important, I guarantee you it’ll be something that’s on that list!

I find it helps to have such a list, put it somewhere prominent and then break it down into practical activities I can do. I also use Google calendar to send Future Me reminders because it synchs with my beloved iPhone. Reminders can be about specific tasks or a point in time to review how I’m going. The important thing about the reminders is to act on them as soon as they appear, otherwise they pointlessly float on by.

The other key for me to stop avoiding things is to be okay with what I do make happen. So what if things haven’t turned out exactly I as I wanted? Discarding my expectation of perfection dispels some of the fear of failure, and allows me to act in whatever capacity I can.

And after all, if I completely avoid things I want to do because I’m afraid it won’t work… then it really won’t work, will it?

~Svasti

Healing in 2010 #reverb10

Tags

#reverb10, Broken, Depression, disassociation, dualistic experience of the world, Healing, injured, Kinesiology, Nieces, patience, pranayama, PTSD, Repression, ringlets, Shirley Temple, Yoga

Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?
~ December 19 prompt

I read another #reverb10-er’s post (I lost the link) suggesting that in order to be healed, something must be broken or injured. While this is true, I think many people don’t realise the hurts they are carrying. They’ve pushed their pain so far down inside, they can no longer feel it. I know that was true for me. But we can only lie to ourselves like this for so long.

Almost three years ago my body kicked off a rebellion against the intense repression and disassociation I’d been forcing it to swallow, just so that I didn’t have to. Which led to a bunch of scans, which led to a life-changing discussion with my chiropractor. Before long I had a referral to a therapist, a diagnosis of PTSD and depression and a long, LONG road to recovery ahead of me.

All this healing business has been much harder than I ever thought it’d be. But it’s been absolutely worth it. And this year I’ve begun feeling soooo much better than any time in recent memory. All of my hard work is starting to pay off!

I can’t tell you the number of times this year I’ve found myself just groovin’ along, finding pleasure in all kinds of things and noticing how it resonates through my body and mind.

Now maybe that sounds like a normal day/week/month/year to you. But it’s still something of a novelty for me! There’s still more work to do however. I think there possibly always is, even if the wounds aren’t quite as serious as others.

Because to me, the definition of healing is having an open heart that’s available for anything or anyone. And life in this dualistic experience of the world creates an ongoing pattern of opening and closing. Healing is about making more openings than closings, yeah?

And so without further ado, a short list of the things that have healed me this year. They’ve healed me in different ways – physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Some of it happened like a lightning rod and other kinds of healing were more gradual. Some of that healing is still ongoing, as I think it is for most people.

Hugs and kisses from these sweet little darlings – spending time with them makes life worth living. They light me up with killer smiles, their very well developed sense of humour and hilarious antics.

My older niece is a sensitive, observant, thoughtful and sweet little thing, with chocolate-brown puddles for eyes and ringlets worthy of Shirley Temple. She’s also a clown of the highest order.

The younger one has moods that range from the blackest of scowls through to the silliest baby giggle you’ve ever heard. Actually, her giggle sounds like it belongs to a black man! She’s wildly determined, stubborn and knows EXACTLY what she wants…

Yoga – for anything and everything that ails me. Shadow Yoga for teaching me to see my body in new ways and understand that my perceived limitations are just that: perception and not reality. Teaching yoga for understanding more about how to share the gems of yoga wisdom and do so with grace. Yoga is also a measure for how the healing of my shoulder is going…

Physiotherapy – extremely painful but absolutely necessary for helping to sort out my crazy left shoulder. It’s much better than it was, but still not perfect. The physio was important for a while, and gave me a chance to work on my pranayama (as opposed to swearing at or punching the poor guy).

Kinesiology – when this happened, I was suddenly very aware of how much gunk must still be clogging up my body and mind. Luckily, I already knew a rockin’ kinesiologist and we’ve had two appointments so far (the next one is in late January). Each session has been very to the point and as such, quite intense. Also, highly amusing. Especially when unprompted by me, Kerry says things like: Okay, what happened in your life when you were eighteen? Or twenty-seven?

Ha-frickin-ha, body. Clearly it’s time to get a whole bunch of internal house-cleaning done. This work has been right there, in my face and with nowhere to run. Not that I want to run, but y’know…

Acupuncture – the ongoing journey of healing my shoulder has led me to an acupuncturist who works with energy as much as he works with needles. It’s a good match for me, and things seem to be kicking along.

Letting go of expectation and having a plan – oh yes. It was a BIG idea and a fabulous one, to start questioning why the heck I thought I wanted what everyone else seems to want. Simply because it’s what we do?? So now I have a plan, and that plan puts a sparkle in my eyes and grin on my face.

Patience – I can’t begin to explain the importance of learning patience in my healing processes. All of them. Healing is generally not instantaneous. Even those moments that feel super-quick and as though you’ve been hit by a lightning rod are always preceded by much hard work.

Patience, and not expecting change overnight or despairing when it doesn’t happen the way you want it to – these things are so very important to staying on the path. Keeping that healing momentum moving. Then one unspecified day in the future, you’ll be surprised to wake up and find that you’re feeling… not as bad.

And it gets better than that, too. It really does.

~Svasti