Surrender is actually what happens when we give up the struggle. What’s that they say about getting stuck in quicksand? Oh yeah… don’t move about, be perfectly still. If you struggle too much, you’ll sink faster.
But giving up the struggle can feel like dying, can’t it?
I’m still a little stunned by the stark and clear honesty in BlissChick’s post (which I haven’t managed to respond to properly just yet). If you haven’t read it yet, please go and check it out. Tell others about it too!
So, my heart has kinda fled to its little internal cave for now, to cope with having a few less layers of protective numbness around it. That’s actually a good thing though! I’m doing okay, but can’t quite explain how I feel, having read someone else’s account of a mirror image of my very own experiences.
Then… after my next rent payment, I’m not entirely sure how I’m gonna pay my rent. I am looking for a flatmate (had been hoping it wasn’t necessary, but, ah well…). And I’m turning somersaults to find ways to earn some cash.
This is possibly the most broke I’ve ever been in my life. I might be able to ask one of my best friends for a loan, but I’d rather not have to…
Currently I’m just praying/wishing that one of the many jobs I’m applying for comes through for me, and immediately. Feel free to send a prayer or two my way, if you’re into that kinda thing…
I’m feeling rather blessed though, at least in one way. I went to my yoga school today with a heavy heart, worrying that I might have to drop out of my course (the one good thing in my life right now). Truth is, I simply can’t afford to keep paying the remainder of the course fees, which are due in monthly instalments.
But the principal who runs the school is a really wonderful lady. She told me not to worry about the fees right now, that I can catch up on them later.
More – she’s suggesting all sorts of things to help me out. I now have a flyer for my business services in the window of the school. She’s also asked me to send her a copy of my flyer to put up on her website.
Then, she’s offered me the cleaning job for the yoga studio once a fortnight for as long as I need it (which wouldn’t be much, but it’d be something). And she’s just sent me an email saying she’ll talk to her friends and local contacts to see if there’s any work they have as well. She doesn’t even want me to put this money towards my school fees for now… she just wants to make sure I’m okay.
I can’t express just how overwhelmed I am by this support. She’s only known me a few months and yet she’s willing to do whatever she can to help.
To me, this is yoga; and this is love. This is extending beyond your own needs to make sure other people in your community are okay.
Kinda reminds me of an experience I had in Bali three years ago. Since the bombings in 2002, the entire country has struggled. Much of Bali’s income is derived from tourism, and Australians used to holiday there in droves. But people have stayed away in fear, and the Balinese economy (and people) suffered en masse.
There I was in Sanur in some shop. I bought a shirt – just a light beachy kinda thing. The woman from the shop next door begged me to come into her shop next. I had a good look around, but honestly couldn’t find anything else I wanted to buy.
That’s when the woman from the first shop suggested I could buy a second shirt like the one I’d just bought, in another colour. She handed that shirt over to the other woman, so her neighbour could get the money for the sale. I was touched, and bought the extra shirt.
And now I know exactly how that feels.
~Svasti
Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness 