Two Words Project: 2012 summary

Tags

Acceptance, empathic, gluten, Hashimoto’s thyroiditis, Healing, healthy boundaries, highly sensitive person, I Quit Sugar, Metagenics detox, self-acceptance, self-love, two words project

As previously mentioned, 2012 was a ker-racker of a year for me. In part, this is thanks to the wonderful Two Words Project.

I’m not entirely sure how it works, but mindfully choosing two words for your year’s intentions is a VERY powerful activity. It seemingly sets a very clear agenda of possibility… the kind of possibility that makes your toes tingle (and not because you’re wearing too-tight shoes).

Those Two Words, once liberated from your subconscious mind (or wherever they reside), become alive. They resonate in your body and mind, working on your behalf even when you don’t think you’re paying attention.

Which is quite handy really.

Most of my Two Words-related changes have been subtle and were probably invisible to others. Slow changes, the way Sarah Wilson describes them with her Titanic Theory.

The changes are primarily in the way my thoughts have presented themselves to me, in light of my two words for 2012: Healing and Acceptance.

Healing

Well… [pun unintended!].

I’m not exaggerating when I say that in 2012 I spent an all-mighty small fortune on my health. I definitely exceeded the minimum spend on health-related stuff that gets you a tax break (hooray?). I know, coz it’s all typed up neatly in an Excel spreadsheet.

Coz here’s what I did: I made healing myself my #1 priority and did whatever it took in order to make it happen.

Mostly this meant favouring doctor and naturopath appointments, supplements, acupuncture and massage treatments over almost anything else in my budget. I did a heck load of research and made it my business to be firmly in the driver’s seat when it came to my health.

Then, in early January? I got my latest round of blood tests back from the doctor. I’m still finding it hard to believe, but check it out…

That’s right, biatches!

Almost all my results are now in the normal range.

Admittedly, my thyroid hormones (T3, T4, TSH) stabilised in mid-2012, as you can see from the August results (which are almost exactly the same as the January results!).

There’s still a little work to do with my TSH levels, but not much! The big change however, is my antibody levels…

THEY ARE ALMOST COMPLETELY NORMAL!

Remembering of course, that antibodies are the horned devils that destroy one’s thyroid gland over time, if left unchecked. So its super-important to have them under control!!

You would not believe the happy dances I’ve been doing since I got these results!

Of course, this doesn’t mean I can entirely relax. An autoimmune disorder is a life-long thing, and I’ll always need to monitor my health to make sure I don’t slip backwards.

But I’m now much stronger, have more energy and feel more like myself again than I did for most of last year.

AND MY BLOOD TESTS ARE ALMOST COMPLETELY NORMAL AS IF I WAS NEVER SICK.

*WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE*

What helped me get to this point, you ask?

• Last November I quit sugar, and since then I’ve lost over 12kg (26 pounds) where for the last few years I haven’t been able to lose any weight at all (a wonderful Hashimoto’s symptom!). AND this was achieved without starving myself or exercising excessively, either. These days, I rarely crave anything sweet and when I do, I can satisfy that urge with non-sugary foods.
• I quit gluten too. This one was harder, but it was only recently that I realised even having a little bit (like say… eating a croissant!) REALLY affects the quality of my mind (e.g. brain fog vs no brain fog).
• I completed a couple of medical-grade Metagenics detox programs and every day I take a number of high quality supplements (mostly Metagenics). These have made a huge difference. The next phase is to look at how I can derive what I’m getting from the supplements from my natural food intake.
  Even though this article is about healing from MS, it’s still relevant to what I’m doing. Basically? We can and should be getting all the nutrients we need from our food.
• Also? I’ve done epic amounts of research on food, the digestive and immune systems and so on. All to learn more about how Hashimoto’s isn’t really a thyroid condition (the thyroid is affected by other system dysfunctions in the body) and that to heal it, you actually have to heal the rest of you first.
• Especially the digestive system/gut health (aka leaky gut syndrome). Most people in fact, could do with paying more attention to their gut health BEFORE they get sick. My key learning is that most chronic health problems are rooted in digestive health issues!
• I’ve learned more about what it is to be a Highly Sensitive Person (I’ve read the book, too). Good health, you see, is more than feeling well on a physical level. It’s all about getting to know yourself and discovering your own particular needs in relation to the world. And? HSP’s actually have different biochemistry to non-HSP’s.

Acceptance

The changes wrought by having Acceptance as one of my Two Words are more challenging to quantify.

I’ve written a lot about it, of course. You could say this entire blog is all about the process of self-acceptance!

There’s been a lot of inner work going on, especially during my kinesiology appointments, which I’ve been having every 6-8 weeks all year. The beauty of kinesiology is that the changes it brings, persist. Grow, even. Unfold ever-after.

But what’ve I done this year around acceptance? Especially the self-acceptance kind of acceptance? For me, this is how it’s looked on a daily basis…

It is all about generating self-love, which means stuff like this:

• Examining my patterns around what kind of love I’m willing to accept.
• Being real with the idea that I might not get to have kids.
• I’ve learned that my destiny is to become a healer: knowing who you are and where you’re going is incredibly empowering!
• Listening closely to what I really need on a physical, emotional and spiritual level.
• Checking in with myself. If I’ve changed my mind about something, paying attention so I can do what I should be doing instead! Too often, I’ll let things be as they are instead of changing direction to where I should be going.
• Getting to bed early enough. I’m still a little patchy on this one but hey… I’ll be working on it more this year. More sleep is always required.
• Eating foods that are nourishing and full of goodness (e.g. organic meat/veg and LOTS of green foods!!). Cooking – more than one friend in recent times has complimented me on my cooking, which consists of very simple but tasty ingredients.
• Respecting my need for self-expression and being creative, and partaking in creative pursuits as often as I can. Writing. Teaching. Yoga. Singing. Dancing. Yup.
• Developing healthy personal boundaries. I’m often way too agreeable for my own good, and in the past I’ve let people get away with things that I really shouldn’t. In terms of how they act around and towards me. Not any more, though. This can come across as being disagreeable or unfriendly. But it’s absolutely necessary in order to take care of myself.
• Developing stronger energetic boundaries, too. I’m yet to work out the day-to-day benefits of being highly empathic (not the same word as empathetic!), which means that without realising it I take on other people’s emotional states/feelings and even physical pain. But I’m getting much better at noticing this now, and I’m working on patching up my energy field.

My teacher likes to say that you can’t save anyone else until you can save yourself. Since I’m fond of metaphors, this is like saying there’s no point in saving people from a sinking ship if you’ve got leaks in your own hull.

I think like most people, my self-acceptance work is ongoing. But the key is to have self-acceptance as part of your make up in the first place. As long as you keep paying attention to it (sub-consciously or not), you’re gonna be doing yourself and other people a good turn.

~ Svasti

Acceptance of the Big Ass Doozies

Tags

Acceptance, Big Ass Doozies, childless, Healthing, PTSD, self-acceptance

I was terrified of this year when I signed up for Nadine’s workshop back in January. Terrified. By the time the workshop was over, I was both relieved and umm… still terrified, actually.

Because what sort of crazy person willingly (I wasn’t that willing actually) takes on “Acceptance” as one of their words for empowering their year?

Apparently I do. And while I’ve had a fairly decent amount of success with the whole acceptance gig so far, it’s starting to get scary.

You see, there’s something magical about making a commitment to yourself based on a couple of words that deeply resonate with your inner being. When they’re the right words – when you’ve done enough self-inquiry and sat still long enough for the words to be heard – then it isn’t like just picking up one of those little polished stones at the local woo-woo shop with golden lettering that says something like “Faith” or “Hope”.

Of course, those might be the words you come up with via self-reflection, but what I’m trying to say is that it’s an entirely different process. Words that arise from self-reflection *are* a commitment, and your higher self seems to register them like some kind of action plan. And then it’s on for young and old.

Healing (my other word for this year)… that’s what I’ve been doing in spades. I feel like I’ve been concentrating very, very hard on my physical health for the last twelve months or so. And even more so since the start of this year.

It’s almost time for me to get more blood tests. Comprehensive ones. Hopefully all this hard work will show up in the results. I certainly feel a heck of a lot better, but it’ll be good to see the proof in a science-y way, too.

When it comes (self) Acceptance… well that’s another kind of healing, right? I’ve been working my ass off on that front, too. And actually, self-acceptance and physical healing are interconnected anyway. The more I work on my emotional/mental health, the more connections appear to the physical.

But there’s the easier things to learn to accept, and then there’s the Big Ass Doozies.

When I first started healing from PTSD, I learned you can clear away a LOT of the “chaff” – the easy to access stuff pretty quickly. There’s usually a heap of it. But those issues are generally symptoms of what’s really going on.

And so here I am – working through my stuff and yet holding back on one of those Big Ass Doozies, because there’s always been a little part of me that wants to imagine that somehow, I wouldn’t need to accept it because there’s the possibility it could change.

For many years, while healing from PTSD and depression I would cry at the drop of a hat. Couldn’t help it – my emotions were so raw and near the surface that it was all I could do most times to not be crying.

Nowadays though, there’s only one thing that really makes me sad in that same way:

I am childless.

I have just turned 40. Too many of my child-bearing years were swallowed by the aftermath of being assaulted, and even though I’m now mostly healed, I still haven’t been able to make the leap back into the dating world.

But I really, really want to be a mother.

I want to know what it’s like to have a child growing inside of me. To give birth and watch my child grow up. I’d be a great mum. However, time and opportunities for such a thing are running close to empty.

Adding insult to injury? The autoimmune disorder I developed as a result of all that trauma? It also plays havoc with fertility and causes miscarriage. So there’s that, too…

It seems that I’m surrounded by people having babies. It’s probably like when you buy a new car and suddenly notice all the people around you with the same type of car. Only in reverse. What I deeply, deeply want from the depth of my being… there’s a very good chance I won’t be getting it at all. Not in this lifetime.

And as genuinely happy as I am for my sister, friends and co-workers, and as much as I love my nieces and other people’s children… I am equally devastated by the circumstances that have led to this childless place. To the running out of time.

I struggle very much with being able to accept this. That this is probably how it’s gonna be. That given the laws of probability, it’s unlikely I’ll get to have kids.

So, sometimes I cry. I’m watching some show and there’s kids or families or someone who desperately wanted to be a mother finally gets her wish (the way it always happens in Hollywood, right?) and I find I can’t not cry.

Please do me a favour – don’t leave me any comments that talk about how “you never know” and “amazing things happen” and that “just because you’re 40 doesn’t mean it can’t happen for you”. Don’t tell me that I “just have to want it enough”, either.

I know these things. I know that sometimes for some people, they are true words. I also know that in other circumstances, they are not. And since my life has never resembled one of those Hollywood stories (whose life does, anyway?) where everything turns out alright in the end, I have to tell you it’s much easier for me to be realistic.

Only, because this is a Big Ass Doozie of a thing to accept… it’s pretty tricky to be okay with it.

I’ve done all the rationalising. I know that being childless doesn’t mean I’ve failed at life. I know plenty of women who haven’t had kids. I know kids can be a pain in the ass and that nappies and sleep deprivation suck. I know there’s plenty of other things I can do with my life. I know. I KNOW. Okay?

But it doesn’t change what I want. It doesn’t change the way it makes me feel to know my chances for getting what I want are slim to none. It doesn’t help me while I struggle to find some sort of acceptance for how things are.

Ideally, I’d love to have two kids. I don’t even care about gender. Just that they’d be healthy. Right now even if I met some amazing guy tomorrow, I’d be lucky to have even one.

I’m not looking for pity by writing this. I’m just sort of hoping that somehow, naming my desires and fears will help me put them in perspective. And just maybe… that’s a step towards truly being cool with being childless.

There’s a LOT more work to do on this yet…

~Svasti

Two Words check in: January – March

Tags

Acceptance, Cycle of Crazy, Hashimoto's, Healing, own it, self-acceptance, self-love

Like Nadine, I’ve been awfully silent in my writing of late. It hasn’t worried me overly since there’s been so much going on. I’ve barely stopped spinning long enough to think about writing.

But Nadine’s post prompted me to write a little more here. It is March already. Wait, it’s almost April!

And I’ve committed to my Two Words for 2012: Healing and Acceptance.

So how am I going?

Pretty amazingly, really.

As I mentioned, I’ve found a Naturopathic Doctor who really gets where I’m coming from and has a deep understanding of Hashimoto’s. I kind of have a girl crush on her.

Right now, I’m entering week five of a six week cleanse process (gut/kidneys/liver) and that, combined with giving up sugar, ongoing kinesiology and being put onto better quality supplements is really starting to transform my health.

I know I’ve got a ways to go yet, but already I feel much less fragile. Brighter. Less fuzzy ‘round the edges/dragged down underwater (such are the joys of Hashimoto’s).

While I still have to keep tabs on my energy levels, I’m able to do more and cope with stress better. More like a normal person.

I’m also finding that I’m less reliant on some of the supplements I’ve been taking to stop myself from toppling over. In fact, last week I ran out of one bottle part of the way through the week. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to get any straight away, and previously this would’ve sent me in to a panic. But now, not so much…

With my ND’s support, I’ve halved my thyroid medication, too. She even thinks there’s a good chance I can get off the medication all together!

I still might need more rest than other people, but I’m So Much Better. I can’t really explain what that feels like.

And then, one can also look at the word “Healing” and directly equate it with “Acceptance” and all that it entails…

This is a little harder to quantify: acceptance is more about feeling and inner work than anything else.

But eventually it shows on the outside, too. In how I perceive myself and how others respond to that self-perception.

As I’ve indicated before, there are a lot of things I have to learn to accept in order to be able to own Acceptance.

Like, OWN IT BIATCH.

I’m far from alone, of course. Wanting what we don’t have in every which way (physically, personally, financially, emotionally etc etc), self-loathing, poor-to-no self-esteem, emotional wounds that never got the proper care they needed to heal.

All of this stuff causes critical death blows to self-acceptance.

Being totally down with who we are.

Just us as perfectly okay, the way we are.

This is of course, all a part of the dualistic nature of the world; the illusion of separateness that is the root cause of the human condition of suffering. Which is a nice philosophical way to talk about it.

But in reality, for most people in this world this means a lifetime of feeling like they aren’t good enough. That they aren’t loveable or desirable. That they’ll never really be happy, even if they’re surrounded by all kinds of goodness. Grass is always greener and all of that.

As I said, I’m not alone. Everyone has their story and as clichéd as it sounds, working out how to love and make friends with yourself (the way you would with anyone else!) is the only way out of the Cycle of Crazy that is self-loathing.

And I’m not talking about the pseudo-acceptance of denial and pretend. I’ve been there, and it doesn’t work.

The only way to really get self-acceptance is to stop lying to yourself.

It’s a starting point, anyway.

Much of the work I’ve done to heal myself from PTSD has been about just that – brutal self-honesty and understanding. But there were still small pockets of self-loathing I was able to hold onto.

Specifically around my physical appearance and lovability.

Recently, a good friend asked me to explain my spiritual beliefs. My response was circuitous and long-winded, because I had to explain the difference between western-logic thinking and yogic thinking; which IS circuitous and contains ideas that sometimes contradict themselves (on purpose and gleefully so). I also had to explain that for me, it’s not so much about what I believe, as what I experience first-hand…

Which led to a conversation about all the things I’ve learned since being assaulted and how that incident really has led to real (and positive) change in how I see myself.

Which is when I realised that yeah, I’m on my way to self-acceptance.

I’m well on the way…

For example.

One of my little post-class rituals I hold for my yoga students is as follows: once we’ve finished our closing chants I ask them to keep their eyes closed/lowered and take a moment to honor themselves for coming along to yoga. I say – if the mood takes you, give yourself a great big smirk. Keep it internal if you like or let it spread to your face. Coming to yoga, I tell them, is an act of caring for your body and mind.

The more I tell myself and my students this, the more concrete this idea becomes.

~ Svasti

At War!!

Tags

Ahimsa, casualties, collateral damage, destruction, hostages, Human rights, Patanjali, peace, self-acceptance, self-hatred, Violence, warfare, Yamas

Did you know the majority of people on planet Earth are at war?

It’s true.

But it’s a war with no name. And it’s silent and sneaky. Very few people talk about it. There’s no protests, or political action to bring it to an end. But it takes plenty of hostages and casualties. It cuts a path of destruction on all seven continents. There’s no place it does not reach…

This my friends, is the Great War. The murderer of souls. The sniper of happiness. The assassin of freedom. The destroyer of self-acceptance.

That’s right. I’m talking about the collateral damage we drag through our lives. The absolutely violent thoughts and actions we take against ourselves every day. The unkind words. The self-neglect. The hyper-critical and unfair attitude we have about our actions and/or appearance. The public and/or private flagellation we suffer at our own hands.

Let’s not forget the way we pass our own misery on to the next generation so that it may flourish… through our actions, we show them how to be self-defeating and self-loathing. We teach them that that’s how life is for most people.

One of the worst fall outs of this war is the way we’re so willing to believe anything negative about ourselves at the drop of a hat, while being unable to accept a compliment or be proud of our achievements.

We are displaced people. Displaced in our sense of Self.

And I don’t know about you, but I’m sick of it. Because all of this adds up to an unacceptable abuse of human rights.

Worse – most of these campaigns of self-hatred are conducted behind closed doors. Of course, some do make it out into the streets too, where we drink excessively or take drugs, or lay our self-disgust at the feet of others.

But almost everyone else is engaged in their own internal warfare. And so we try to relate the best we can, limping along, tending to our war as well as those belonging to the people we love.

And sometimes we mistake other people for combatants in our war. So, we take the fight externally and make them the enemy. At last, someone tangible to fight with – the driver of the car that cut you off, your lover, your friend, your parents, your boss, the rude waitress… and so on.

Appalling isn’t it? And yet, so very difficult to control. This war has agents everywhere!

The big question for me is this: How are we ever going to make peace with other people if we can’t even make peace with ourselves?

Y’know, Ahimsa (non-violence/non-injury) is the first of the five Yamas (restraints) of Patanjali’s system of yoga. The very first discipline to master, for developing consciousness on the path to enlightenment.

And yet, it seems to be one of the hardest things to do. We can sympathise with the trials of others. We give money and/or service to charities. We’ll give a guy on the street food or cash. We’ll help someone change a flat tyre.

But we can’t stop looking in the mirror and thinking about all the ways we are “deficient”. Can we?

And to win, we have to find a way to make peace with ourselves. Have to!

I’m still working on it. What about you?

~Svasti