A new affirmation for me

Tags

honor, Kinesiology, respect, Self-Awareness, self-love, TLC

Went to another kinesiology session today thanks to the kindness of my therapist, who told me I could fix her up later for it. For which I am incredibly grateful!

The main purpose for today was to balancing any obstacles I might have that could be causing this ongoing pattern of having work/having no work.

It’s simultaneously surprising and not so surprising, but what came up was stuff around my last permanent job. Which is where I worked at the time I was assaulted.

But it’s also the place where I told two female bosses what’ d happened to me and instead of compassion and understanding, I was bullied. At a time when I was very low, they kicked me in the shins. I was put on performance management for not doing my job properly (you try being functional when you’ve got PTSD!) and through various pretty horrible actions, those two women added to my stress considerably.

Of course, all of this stuff seems to link into my current health issues with my thyroid. Doh!

The above affirmation is one we used today that especially struck a chord with me. What immediately popped up in my mind was:

If I consciously honored and respected myself every day, what would that look like? How would things be different?

Personally I think things could be VERY different. I mean most of the time I’m in a good place these days, but I still have my bad times. Especially right now when I’m unemployed and not sure where my next job will be coming from!

But being in a good place is not the same thing as taking time out to provide some self-TLC, is it?

While I’m not ready just yet to write about how all of this looks for me, I invite you to think about these questions for yourself.

Is there a 5-10 minute daily ritual you could do? Would be it making sure you get enough exercise? Enough sleep? Making sure you like the way you’re dressed? Eating the right foods? Doing a mini-yoga session? Having a nanna nap?

Imagine how you’d feel if this became an every day habit. I’m pretty sure it’d make each day just a little bit brighter and more centered!

If you feel like it, tell me your ideas for honoring and respecting yourself in the comments.

~ Svasti xxx

Pardon my tardiness!

Tags

Psychic, Self-Awareness, Self-Reflection, Tardy, Writing

I’ve been meaning to write new posts, really I have. But there’s some competition within my writing mind for centre stage. There’s a whole bunch of ideas pushing for their place in the spotlight. And it’s been hard to choose!

On top of that, I’ve had a bunch of stuff to deal with since my return 18 days ago from Thailand. I’m going to try to explain in brief (haha)…

Every time I head off to retreat, I never come back quite the same person. The whole point of checking out of our crazy western lifestyle for a while is to focus intensely on working towards the state of enlightenment. Sometimes I come back and I can feel the difference, and sometimes not. And the reintegration into what is termed ‘normal life’ can be really challenging in a whole raft of ways.

One example I can give is around the concept of emotional reactions. A part of the work involved in “relaxing into enlightenment” is stripping back emotional reactivity. That doesn’t mean that I become a robot, but it does mean that I can become so relaxed, that my reactions don’t look like what others might think they “should” look like.

Never before have I returned from retreat and had to live with others. For as long as I’ve been doing yearly retreats, I have lived by myself and had time to slowly start interacting with people again. But this time ofcourse, I am living at my parents’ place.

To paraphrase a sentiment of Clueless’, I haven’t really posted in detail about my relationships with my parents. I’m an extremely loyal person and it’s complicated. But I will say it’s been a rough ride living under the same roof as them for the first time in 15 years.

So there has been that – the living with my folks and my perceived strangeness (by others) post-retreat, which is almost impossible to explain to most people.

Also, I’ve managed to offend my sister in a way that appears to have created distance between us – something I never thought was possible before now. Let me explain…

I’m kind of psychic some times. It’s not something I have much control over, and it comes and goes. But whilst I was in Thailand, I knew something very personal and specific about my sister. I even sent her an international text message to ask her about it – which she ignored.

The Sunday after I returned, my sister and brother-in-law came over to the folks’ place for lunch. And my sister says: “There’s something we have to tell you…”

In response I say: “Yeah, I know – you’re pregnant.”

I think the exchange that followed went something like this:

“How do you know?”

“I just know. I knew in Thailand – that’s why I texted you.”

My sister exploded in anger.

Mind you, I am really happy for them. It’s their second child and its great news!! But as mentioned above, I guess at this point my reactions just didn’t look like they were expecting.

Not just that, but the “consensus reality” is that what I said, when I said it and the way I said it was rude. Obnoxious. Spoiling their surprise. I tried to apologise, to smooth things over. But she wasn’t ready to hear it.

I really didn’t mean to be rude! I was just very deeply relaxed and saying what occurred to me at the time. But my sister was mad, and as far as I know she is possibly still mad. Usually, we’d phone, text or email each other frequently, but since this event I haven’t conversed with her much at all. So I’ve been a little hurt by the absence of that friendship, and because the matter still isn’t resolved.

Then there’s been the job-hunting. For some reason, I had this expectation – possibly a bit of an arrogant one – that I’d come back home and walk straight into a new job. After all, I work in an industry that’s really ‘hot’ at the moment. And I have impressive skills or so I’m frequently told… But nearly three weeks later and no job.

So given family pressures and my resulting desire to get my own space again, plus an MIA sister and a dwindling bank balance… I’ve been a little distracted. And desperately trying to keep my centre. Not to get lost in all of this ‘stuff’. Not to fall into depression.

Add to that the pressure of some very insistent stories wanting out of my head, and I kind of felt the easiest thing to do was to put the “out of office” sign up for a bit.

But the muse is back, and I’m in the process of writing. If only those ideas would behave a little more orderly-like!

In the mean time, I have a couple of older pieces of writing I’m going to post here (dated) and also one new one. They’re self-reflection themed ofcourse and not surprisingly, they show a pattern that existed before I was ever assaulted. And they too, need an airing… I hope you enjoy.

~ Svasti

Reflections

Tags

Guru, Meditation, Recovery, Retreat, Self-Awareness, Yoga

As some of you may be aware, I’ve just returned from a five week stay in Thailand. Much of this time was dedicated to my annual retreat for the spiritual path I’m initiated into.

Every moment of my time on retreat was joyous and wonderful – even when it wasn’t. I didn’t want to leave and quite truthfully if I didn’t have to worry about money, family, my cat or other worldly attachments I would have stayed. Eventually, I will retire there, to this property my school has purchased. But in the foreseeable future I’ll be visiting as often as I can for our training intensives and for my own private retreat time.

In terms of what we did – yoga and meditation sessions every day starting between 5.30 – 6.00am most mornings. Discussion and study of the Siva Sutras – a classical meditation text. Working on the property – helping prepare the permaculture garden, rejuvenate the soil on the rest of the land, planting, hoeing etc… We had the blessing of local chefs cooking for us in traditional Isan (northern Thailand)/Laos style cooking. It was clean and delicious. The landscape and weather were amazing. We lived in bamboo huts and bathed either in the pond (skinny dipping) or bucket bathing in banana circles. Most poetic. Warm. Divine.

Having a Guru is a curious thing, especially for westerners who might view such a thing with suspicion. I’m not going to address that topic however, except to say that for those with an authentic Guru, it is both delightful and terrifying to spend so much time in close proximity to that personage.

Delightful because you’ve never met anyone who is so loving, open, and compassionate. Someone so flexible, nurturing and giving. Someone with more knowledge and wisdom than they can possibly share, whilst remaining intensely humble and caring.

Terrifying because to be around a genuine Guru is to sit in a karmic pressure cooker. Whatever ‘stuff’ you have is going to come out one way or another. It’s not always pretty, but this is what we pray for – to be opened up as wide as possible. To purify our samskaras (karmic patterns of limitation) to lead us into freedom, to an enlightened nature. However, this can be exceptionally confrontational and scary. As yogis, we need to be ready for anything and accepting of whatever happens.

Amongst other learnings on this retreat, I think I finally gained a broader view of my samskaras. It’s a complex picture with several moving parts, interconnecting and feeding each other. This is possibly why I’ve found myself to be such a slippery customer in terms of piercing my own delusions.

And it puts my experience of being assaulted in perspective actually. It’s a part of the bigger picture, fitting right in with existing patterns that I’ve had possibly all of my life.

These insights were things I already knew about myself ofcourse, but hadn’t connected up in this way before. The themes include:

• Love – wanting it, not wanting it, heartbreak, putting massive castle walls up to protect my heart, mistaking other things for love
• Discrimination – choosing inappropriate men, not knowing what’s good for me, inability to assert myself when I should, taking care of the needs of others before my own
• Self-perception – low self esteem, thinking no-one will be interested in me

I should qualify the above by saying that I am generally pretty functional and self-aware. And I have done constant work on these things over the years.

However, even whilst grinding down my ‘stuff’ to ever finer ‘stuff’… until it’s gone, a seed always remains. And I think… generally we just have no idea how much the undercurrents of our patterns influence our moment to moment behaviour.

I still have much to write on this blog about what has been. But now, I can see ahead with a great deal more clarity. I can see, I think, a little of where I’m going for the first time in years. And I will try to explain it a little here, interspersed with fleshing out the rest of the story of my recovery.

One thing I know I have to be careful about right now is men. You see, I really do suck when it comes to choosing which men to let into my life. A minor insight from retreat is that any personal power I gain from being on retreat apparently attracts energy vampires. So I need to look very carefully at any men who turn up in the next six months…

I’ve known my Guru for many years now, but I was only formally initiated into the lineage a month or two before I met Andre. I came home from that retreat all juicy with lots of shakti and inspiration.

Then, last year after returning from retreat in the U.S. I met a man that appeared to be very genuine and together. The first man I’ve been involved with since Andre. But in fact, he was very weak and deluded with no idea who he really is. His M.O. however, was to feed off the energy of the women he targets – women who are ‘damaged’ in some way. I’ll tell more of that story another time!

Essentially, doing spiritual work is rejuvenating, it’s powerful and self-nourishing. And, this time I’d like to avoid having some random guy undo my good work.

So I’m declaring that for now, as much as I’d love a relationship, as much as I miss sex like crazy – no men! Not for the rest of the year. I mean, they can be around; I can be friends with them. But I just can’t get involved… not until I’ve known them for a bit and I can see them clearly.

And not until I’ve stabilised the work I’ve been doing.

More soon…

~Svasti