When I eventually fell into bed last night, I was awash with tears. Even now I’m not sure why I was crying: relief, body memories replaying their ghostly remnants, sadness, regret, shock… maybe all of the above. Maybe something else all together?
I also found myself unable to sleep and I think if I managed five hours last night, I was very lucky. It was probably less than that.
I WAS shocked and surprised to discover the timing of things last night. Those little voices I hear sometimes are ridiculously spot on: ‘Go and check the date, y’know, THAT date!’
So I did, and there it was. I guess I felt a bit like I’d just reached the summit of some mountain I’d been relentlessly climbing for the longest time… so long that I’d forgotten really, that I was actually still climbing. Just one foot in front of the other and then, oh!! a whole different ball game.
And today I feel rather fragile. Like I don’t really know what. Like I need to somehow mark this day, in honour of those days that were so very grim. I remember, oh yes. Oh god do I remember!!
So, after work I’m gonna see if I can arrange a massage or a facial or both. And then I think there will be some asana and some meditation. I really need to check in with myself on the deepest possible level.
I do feel brave and good about where I’m at now, but I also can’t escape this dual feeling of not quite believing it all happened and YET knowing very well that it did.
So no post tonight, just this small one from my iPhone instead, while I listen to some Krishna Das.
Wishing you all well, and sending lots of love out there because it’s the one thing no one can ever say they have too much of…