#smallstone – week 4

Tags

#smallstone, A River of Stones, Creative Writing, mindful writing, PTSD

The final week of my daily Small Stones.

Reflections on writing Small Stones

When I was drowning in PTSD and depression, I wished away my days. I hoped that by doing so, I’d somehow magically reach the end of the seemingly perpetual torment I lived in. So I did everything I could to numb myself and withdraw from the world, noticing no one or thing. Every moment was painful, or so I thought.

This task of mindful writing – January’s Small Stones – tells me another story.

I’ve learned that even when I’m having a bad day, I don’t have to file the entire day under “C for Crap”, writing off everything about it. Even if the bad things that happened on a particular day only took an hour or two, I’d paint the whole thing black (yes, just like The Stones).

Actually, while I was in the deathly grip of PTSD, I’d paint entire months the same dark shade and did everything I could to look nowhere. Not in the mirror and certainly not in anyone’s eyes, or beautiful things in nature. It was too… hard.

So maybe I was noticing things. But I was noticing them only to squash them. To kill off any memories of any day because those days were plagued with a never-ending loop of terror and I lived every single one of them like I was fighting for my life.

Now that it’s years later, I am free from PTSD. Sometimes the period of chronic trauma and stress I lived through feels like a dream and sometimes… it’s this new life that that feels that way.

Writing Small Stones – as insignificant as it might seem, even to me sometimes – provides a practice of noticing. And noticing is something I ask of my yoga students. What do you see/feel/think while you’re doing your practice? How do you feel? Are you comfortable? What sensations are you experiencing??

So writing Small Stones, too, works hand-in-hand with the philosophy and practice of yoga. It doesn’t matter if you don’t do it but if you DO… then something will happen. Something will change and blossom within your heart and mind.

Your connection to the world and yourself changes. There’s a sense of respect and intimacy that develops.

This is indeed, yoga.

I’m not sure if I’ll keep writing Small Stones every single day. But then again, perhaps I will. Either way, I’ ll use this lovely tool of noticing the world and writing down my observations frequently.

Finally, I hope you enjoy the last of my January Small Stones writings below…

Monday 23rd:

In the heat, everything expands, blows up, and blows out.

Overheating = chaos, Summer’s peril.

~~

Tuesday 24th:

A new student of yoga

But an old hand in dealing with life’s messes

Dulled eyes at half mast as though

Sunset shines there instead of midday’s blazing glory

He writes: “Just crazy” on his intake form

But!

I watch as midday returns brilliance to his eyes

As we move through the practice hour

Temporarily perhaps, for now.

~~

Wednesday 25th:

A brilliant golden memory from the weekend…

His eyes expressing volumes

As he takes in her face

(How amazing, he marvels

The brilliance of your body

Produced our daughter

Our amazing, perfect little girl

If I loved you before, now I worship you

Because you’ve granted me this miracle!)

Expressed with no words,

Just a twinkle in his eye.

~~

Thursday 26th:

An internal day

The result of over-indulgence

And too much sunshine

Both depleting crucial moisture

Leaving me couch-bound

The cat is my only companion

~~

Friday 27th:

Today I see my self-delusions in full flight

Turning one story into another

Making actions far more meaningful than ever intended

So I step away and shake myself awake

~~

Saturday 28th:

Trauma, it seems

Seals off the entrance to

The Great Womb of the Universe

That which engenders creativity

Life and light

And so the healing of trauma

Also heals the Womb of the Universe

~~

Sunday 29th:

Three brown berries

Glowingly tanned

And squidgy with youth

Cooling off under shade cloth

In a small cerulean plastic clam

~~

Monday 30th:

The manic-ness of broken-down trains

Learning to work without a net once more

And missing out on dearly held plans

Tests the boundaries of acceptance

~~

Tuesday 31st:

They appear as clumps

Of gum leaves

Designing the tree top with

Small shrub-like shapes

~~

[ small stone round up week 1 ]

[ small stone round up week 2 ]

[ small stone round up week 3 ]

~ Svasti

#smallstone – week 3

Tags

#smallstone, A River of Stones, Creative Writing, mindful writing

With a little over one week left of this January writing challenge, I feel like I’m starting to hit my stride.

My final Small Stones post will cover the last nine days of the month. I hope you enjoy these microscopic peeks into my world!

Week three of my daily Small Stones.

Monday 16th:

Nature’s evaporator = a heavy sun factor reflected on concrete / Burning oil from the eucalyptus trees perfumes the city / Close your eyes and be transported.

~~

Tuesday 17th:

Not the usual suburban kerb-side garden / Stones and succulents / Settle at the feet of a teenage tree.

~~

Wednesday 18th:

Wide open greens / Nine holes / Anonymous somebodies with time on their hands / Hitting tiny balls into tiny holes / Is this space’s raison d’être.

~~

Thursday 19th:

Relief is apparent on bodies and faces / As our train emerges from underground / Phone reception returns / Every second person is heads down / Thumbs are suddenly busy.

~~

Friday 20th:

Ordinary beauty: a profusion of purple and white /
Divide two sides of the road.

~~

Saturday 21st:

Sailing seas of fluffy whiteness / Seen from above, not below / Beneath the wings, above the weather / Northward, we zoom above the world.

~~

Sunday 22nd:

Five old friends / Two squishy new people, born weeks apart / Lunch overlooking nature’s array of bushland beauty / Mutual love and enjoyment all-round.

~~

[ small stone round up week 1 ]

[ small stone round up week 2 ]

~ Svasti

#smallstone – week 2

Tags

#smallstone, A River of Stones, Creative Writing, mindful writing

Week two of my daily Small Stones.

I didn’t realise how much this little project would feel like a meditation. Just a handful of minutes of my day observing and then later, writing down my thoughts. Nor did I realise it would quietly draw me out from the fuzzy little cocoon I still live in sometimes.

These words might seem like tiny things, but each observation represents a magical moment in time that I could’ve missed, had I not been paying attention.

The world, in all of it’s mysteries is a fascinating place if only we let it in…

Monday 9th:

Just when I my world feels as if it’s entirely a mess / I plan for the yoga class I’ll teach tomorrow night / Thinking of my students’ needs / Generates clarity and calm.

~~

Tuesday 10th:

Concrete rectangle, will you one day be a home? How strange if so…

~~

Wednesday 11th:

The wind gives expression to the desires of trees / Their branches dance a symphony of conversation.

~~

Thursday 12th:

Tiny dirty paw prints meander across the kitchen counter / Announcing that I’ve absent-mindedly / Left the cat food out overnight.

~~

Friday 13th:

Grey men in grey suits on trams / Talking about their divorces and insomnia / And corporate box seats to the tennis.

~~

Saturday 14th:

Five jade coloured bathroom Buddhas smile wisely / As I go about my business / Neither seeing nor saying / They wait and watch eternally.

~~

Sunday 15th:

She speaks apologies from her hunch-shouldered posture / Steady brown eyes full of purpose as she looks up / And haltingly asks for a few coins / I hand her my change and she takes my hand / God bless you she says / As she totters away.

~~

[ #smallstone roundup week 1 ]

[ #smallstone roundup week 3 ]

~ Svasti

#smallstone – week 1

Tags

#smallstone, A River of Stones, Creative Writing, mindful writing

Presenting my first round up of daily Small Stones…

Sunday 1st:

A pale-skinned, black clad and haired youth in 30C+ heat on the Windsor sidewalk. Is he dancing as if underwater, still drunk or high at 5pm on New Years Day? Or both?

~~

Monday 2nd:

Superbly ripened and resting on the grass, their yellowness like brilliant beacons inviting collection. On closer inspection though, they’re all too squishy to touch. Over-ripe. The best are still hidden between darkest green leaves and rusty brown branches.

~~

Tuesday 3rd:

The grey-haired man in the plain taupe shirt peels bark from the supermarket carpark tree, as if tidying up for company. Then wriggles down Nelson, towards Carlisle. Crossing to a street-light pole festooned with layers of posters, and cleans off excess sticky tape as it waves in the breeze.

~~

Wednesday 4th:

She sits and stares with knowing golden eyes, her voice expressive tho I can’t quite catch the meaning. Her paw reaches towards my chest but we’ve yet to breach the human-feline veil that scrambles her thoughts for me and mine for her.

~~

Thursday 5th:

And then there’s Alfie, all three foot nothing with his shiny cobalt eyes and wispy strawberry curls. Skin glistening and his excited wee voice gleefully lisps “Toot! Toot!” on repeat.

~~

Friday 6th:

Perhced on the weathered bus stop seat, sooty tail swinging and golden eyes gleaming, she waits for the bus. Oh kitty!

~~

Saturday 7th:

How can it be that such a thing – a profusion of glorious violet trumpet-shaped blooms – could in reality be a noxious weed?

~~

Sunday 8th:

Seemingly manifesting under my left armpit as though that’s where she was born. Flitters around my bike, then away! Over to the tall green shrubbery where her orange and black hues are more pronounced. How much of her life was this moment?

~~

[ #smallstone roundup week 2 ]

[ #smallstone roundup week 3 ]

~ Svasti

New Year’s tidings

Tags

#smallstone, beach, Broken ribs, comfort zone, Happy 2012, Happy New Year, Healing, Inspiration, inwards energy, joy, Karma, outwards energy, peace, self-love, Small Stone 2012, twenty-twelve

Fireworks photo from another year. Re-cycled here because it's pretty.

I’m only getting around to my new year’s post today, the third day of 2012 (just so you know – every time I type ‘2012’ I mentally say ‘twenty-twelve’ in my head, which I didn’t do with 2011. File that under Useless Information!).

Happy 2012, everyone!

I hope you all had a pleasant transition from 2011 to 2012. This time of year isn’t always pleasant though, is it? I know this from experience, as I’ve spent many New Years Eves alone. Although there have been notable exceptions.

Regardless of what I have or haven’t done, my energy since 2005 has been very much inwards. It’s been all about conserving and healing and doing what I needed to do to take care of myself. Understandable really. But it’s made for a lot of fairly lonely times.

This – or rather, last – year, my plans were in flux, changing three times. The last offer both sounded good and a little scary. Going to the party of a friend of a friend of a friend. Appealingly, it was wayyyy out of town, almost in the country. Away from the drunken masses and the sort of “good time” I no longer really enjoy that much. BUT. Also wayyyy out of my comfort zone. New people? Someone else’s friends?

Funny how solo travel, which involves meeting brand new people is exciting. But at home doing the same thing can feel scary. How. Strange.

In my early 20’s that kind of plan would’ve been a no-brainer. Sure thing! Woo! That would’ve been my response, instead of the careful consideration and allaying of fears.

But… it’s time to start letting my energy and actions flow outward a little more once again.

New Year’s Eve

So I did it. I drove to the outer edges of what can still be called suburban Melbourne to meet my friends and their friends (who are absolutely lovely btw). Then we all went to my friend’s friend’s friend’s backyard party.

With a band (awesome tunes) playing, loudly enough to be enjoyable but still allowing conversations to be heard. BBQ eating, being eaten by mozzies, conversations with new people I wouldn’t have met otherwise, and hugs and kisses from friends and strangers alike.

The backyard band on New Years Eve 2011. They were great!

Quiet. Comfortable. Relaxed. And a painless expansion of my (perceived) personal risk-taking repertoire.

New Year’s Day

Unfortunately I didn’t feel so great the next day. A late night, a wee bit of alcohol imbibing, an hour’s drive each way. It meant a dehydration headache on an extremely hot day. Blech.

So for the first of the year, there was lots of resting, water and sleep.

I did however get out at the end of the day, taking myself out for dumplings and tea plus a movie.

The well-named "Love tea"

I also started my Small Stones writing (first post on 8th January), and I’ve noticed this practice is already helping me pay more attention to the world.

As I mentioned earlier in this piece, so much of my energy has been inward for the longest time. Noticing the world requires more of an outward focus. So it’s in line with where I’m hoping this year will go…

Yesterday

We had a second public holiday, which I’d intended to make better use of. But instead, found myself playing nurse to my mother. She’d had a fall before Christmas, and her suspected bruised ribs were in fact broken.

Interestingly enough, she has almost exactly the same injury I had around ten years ago – three broken ribs on the left side at the front. If you’ve got any understanding of familial karma, then this isn’t too surprising.

So I offered to help my mum around the house since my dad is away at the moment. Getting the washing on/off the line, doing dishes, putting things away. All very difficult with broken ribs. Heck, breathing is difficult with broken ribs.

On my way to the timeshare car I’d booked, my neighbour gave me a lift and pointed out that I’m doing more for my mum than either parent did for me when I needed help. But I can’t help it. Broken ribs hurt and I understand it only too well!

I also offered her some tips on getting up and down, reducing the degree/speed of flexion/extension through the spine. I hope she listens, since it’ll help her in the coming weeks!

Just before 5pm I left my parents’ house, determined to do something fun for myself as well.

Since it was still H-O-T I took off to the beach for a couple of dips in the bay, interspersed with reading and drying off in the super-warm breeze, flowing like water. It was heavenly.

I’m back at work today, but will write more tomorrow of my plans and intentions for the coming year!

Blessings to one and all for 2012. May you find inspiration, joy, peace and (self) love.

~ Svasti

A River of Stones 2012

Tags

#reverb10, #smallstone, A River of Stones, mindful writing, Small Stone 2012, writing challenge, writing prompt

This time last year, I participated in the #Reverb10 writing challenge. But due to the rather hectic time I was having in November and December (not to mention going to Bali!), I realised I wouldn’t be able to join in again this time.

However, for the month of January 2012 I’ll be taking part in A River of Stones 2012 (AROS).

Why? Because a few people I know have already committed, and because it’s exciting as a writer to be challenged by someone else’s ideas.

AROS asks writers to partake in mindful writing – observation of the world around us, and write a few lines about that observation each day.

The first challenge for me might very well be about keeping each observation small, since I tend towards longer prose (read: it can be hard to shut me up!). But I’m excited to be doing this.

It is suggested that writers keep a notebook for their observations, and I realised I already have one.

I’d never been able to think of the perfect purpose for Karin’s amazing notebook, but I do believe this is it!

Utterly perfect, no?

So the plan is to write up my small stones in my lovely notebook, and then once a week I’ll post them here.

Perhaps you’d like to join this writing challenge, too?

Anyone can, so feel free to jump in, feet first. 🙂

~Svasti