Meaningless meaning

Tags

Abhasavada, Abyss, Contemplation, Depression, Hard questions, Insomnia, Life's purpose, Meaningless, Purpose, Surrender

Been struggling a little bit in the last couple of weeks.

Y’see, I’ve been hanging out with my old mate Depression.

But I’ve been trying to use that to my advantage, asking myself a lot of hard questions.

I wonder if everyone eventually gets to the point where they question their very existence? I know I have been.

All around me, I see people with a purpose, or at least it seems that way. I wonder if that’s really the case, though? My own experience suggests otherwise.

When you strip away all the things that we humans do – such as having a job, going to the gym, watching TV, exercising, meditating, spending time with friends, drinking at the pub, and so on… can you relate to yourself?

Do you define who you are based on the things you do? The roles you have in life? Do you believe that makes you who you really are?

If you’re suddenly not those things, does that make you a different person, or are you still you? Can you get by if that role is irrevocably gone? Does that make you less of who you think you are?

Are we really the sum of our experiences, or is that just Abhasavada (theory of appearance)?

We humans devise our own theories and call that reality. We try to get other people to buy into our reality, too. And because we don’t like to be alone, we buy in to both our own and other people’s, to varying degrees (which, is often the cause of conflict).

As human beings, we create meaning and value where, inherently, there isn’t any. We find reasons to do and to be, and we make that mean something about ourselves.

In some cases, that’s called making friends, working a job, having personal preferences, being a traveller, getting into fashion, writing a blog, or collecting teapots, to name but a few. In other cases, it’s called politics and/or organised religion. The list of ways we buy into various meanings is endless… what we say we are, what we say we aren’t… all of it.

Not that this is bad. It’s just part of the process of life.

Perhaps, it could be said that our desire to create meaning is part of the human condition of suffering? Sure feels that way sometimes.

But, when all of that breaks down, when it’s all stripped away, when all the meaning seems meaningless… what do we do then?

How do we find a reason to get out of bed in the morning? How do we find a purpose we can relate to that doesn’t seem contrived or pointless?

I have no answers… I wonder if there are any. Last night I didn’t get much sleep, my brain reeling while I  contemplated the seemingly endless abyss of meaningless meaning.

The only thing I’ve worked out is… just to surrender. The self to the Self. And remain open, hoping I can tap into something that makes sense for me within a sea of everything that doesn’t.

Because…

I want to matter to other people’s lives. Be of service. Be useful, in a way that really counts. But is that just an oxymoron?

~Svasti

Kundalini healing

Tags

Assault, Hate, Healing, Kundalini, Love, Surrender, Swami Rhada

A letter from me to my Guru written in April 2007 about an experience at that time.

I’ve been trying to write this piece for some time, but now the timing seems to be just perfect.

**************************

Dear Guruji,

For a long time in my life I’ve been a very angry person. I know this is not a part of my basic personality (whatever that means). I do not remember ever being an angry child.

Nevertheless, I’ve been quick to anger, rile, annoy for most of this existence. I don’t really know when that started.

It’s now been almost 18 months since I was assaulted by a former friend and lover in my own home. At the time you gave me the advice to love those who perpetrate violence on you. And I have to admit that despite really wanting to, I have not been able to do that for the longest time.

At first I didn’t know how. Then my anger kept me away from being able to or even wanting to try. Even after the vows taken at our powerful ceremony in Bali, I was not able to vanquish my anger. I was able to subdue it however, but that resulted in my being annoyed about lots of things I wouldn’t have worried about previously.

I feel like I’ve been in some sort of cocoon, where I’ve been sluggish, unable to motivate myself and angry about everything. As a result I’ve felt that I’ve been living a bit of an empty life, but unable to shift this for whatever reason.

But strangely I’ve noticed since returning from Bali, that the more I struggle or get annoyed about something, the more the experience appears to be rubbed in my face. I’ve asked for guidance and help in my prayers, but it seems I’ve been waiting something out. And in the process, I’ve been learning that the more I surrender to whatever annoys me, the less it actually annoys me.

Tonight I’ve just finished reading Swami Radha’s diary/book, about her time with Swami Sivananda. I seemed to read it very fast, even for me. In the last few pages, Sivananda is making a speech as Swami Radha is preparing to leave India. And in it, he repeats your original advice to me – to love those who try to hurt you.

And then the strangest thing happened, I can’t really explain it. My throat got hot and heavy and every part of my body seemed to vibrate. Tears rose spontaneously although I wasn’t crying.

Where before I’ve tried to imagine myself being able to offer love in response as per your advice, right at this moment I wasn’t doing any trying. It just was my experience, and continues to be so. Actual love for this person. I’d almost given up thinking I had the ability to cultivate this. But I could feel a ‘cramp’ as you’ve called them, relax and ofcourse a great deal of energy released as you have described is possible.

I don’t know if “all” of my anger has dissipated just yet! And somehow I doubt it. But I do feel a substantial shift within myself towards that direction.

As ever and always with love and gratitude…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This was a MAJOR turning point in my healing journey. For about two-three weeks afterwards I retained this experience of openness and love. I grinned like an idiot at anyone who looked in my direction and had a sensation of inner radiance and light so intense I was sure it spilled out onto the footpath. It was very, very sweet.

Sadly at that point in my life/path I was not able to stabilise all of this as a permanent day-to-day experience. But it definitely gave me an insight into my true nature – all of our true natures.

My Guru wrote back and said “that is definitely an experience of healing kundalini energy”. He was pleased for me as always. The thing I love most about my Guru is that he is not ever trying to be my saviour. Never does he treat any of us as special for having an experience like this. Its run-o-the-mill stuff. He wants each of his students to stand on their own two feet. Whilst he gives us the tools, he doesn’t do the work for us. Unlike the stereotype of Gurus who want everyone to be reliant on them, mine does not.

Anyway… although the energetic state faded, the knowledge gained during that direct experience did not. I can’t say all my anger has dissapated – seems I’ve still got some more work to do there. But it is greatly lessened. I may not always be able to apply everything I learned from that time, but its wisom I “know” and not just intellectually any more. Even now, a year and a half later I can say I love Andre and mean it.

Not in the “I wanna marry you” kind of way. But you know, genuine love for a fellow human being in suffering. Because how crappy must he feel about himself deep down, if he’s compelled to hit other women? He must feel a whole lot worse than he can acknowledge. That kind of life must really suck, much more than I can imagine.

For I don’t hate myself, not any more. And I don’t hate him either.

Anger begets anger. Hate begets hate. How are we ever to release our own anger and hate if we continue to spew it outwards at others?

Recently my mother and I had quite the blow up. It takes a great deal of effort for me to become so angry that I yell, but parents and children are good at pushing each other’s buttons, right?

I was mortified at this regression. Or was it? Perhaps, this whole “can’t-get-a-job-stuck-living-with-my-parents” thing is actually the next phase of releasing old pent up family karmas?

Things have calmed down alot since that horrid fight (I really don’t like fighting) and we’ve started getting along much better.

But possibly… it looks like I’m here til both my parents and I learn a few more lessons about each other.

~Svasti

Losing, letting go and surrender

Tags

Anger, Awareness, Emotions, Enlightenment, Lost things, Meditation, Road rage, Sadhakas, Spirituality, Surrender

The yogic spiritual path is really no different in a lot of ways to those on any other path. Stuff still happens, life goes on. Its the orientation to what happens and how you meet those things that is the difference.

People are prone to saying: “Oh, but you meditate. You should be so calm, never angry”. Well get this people – that state of calm that everyone imagines all people who meditate should have… isn’t that simple! That “everything’s zen” persona many people like to portray is usually bogus. Unless its not, in rare cases.

When I first jumped on this path some time ago now, I had this idea that having that floaty, happy calm feeling was the goal. That if I can induce that state (easy when around some of the great masters), then I was on the way. 😉

But guess what? This state, this sattvic (balanced) way of being can only be stablised 24/7 after a great deal of journeying – in some cases a life time. But always at least a good 10-20 years worth of practice for most people.

In the mean time, those moments where we experience that state (or something we imagine is that state) are precious and inspire us onwards. But then life gets in the way and we’re back at square 1!!

Not to mention, that sadhakas (spiritual practitioners) can and do undergo depression, sadness, anger and every other human emotion – in the process of purifying their karmas. However, the practices learned are meant to be applied to these states so that each time you do find yourself at square 1, its really not quite the same place. Instead of simply being reactive, there’s a process in place.

Remember this – its the birthright of every human being to eventually achieve enlightenment, even if its not in this lifetime.

And now to discuss “losing, letting go and surrender”. Yes I seem to lose a lot of stuff. My lunch – going from the bakery to my car. $15 in change whilst at a cafe. A button off a new top, a day after I thought I’d lost a button but really hadn’t. A prize of 4 movie tickets that I was awarded at my last job (whilst still in the building), between where the party was held and walking back to my desk. All crazy stuff right?

Over the years I’ve lost quite a few things I’ve had attachment to – great relationships, friends, pieces I jewelery I adored. And I have driven myself nuts fretting over those losses.

Then there’s my recent loss of pretty much everything that represented the “form” of my life. Those material things we all identify with. Kinda different to losing ‘stuff’ but not completely.

Right now as always, my spiritual path seems to be addressing this. Sometimes we just have to learn to relax and let go – surrender. Actually, its a little bit more like “struggle, struggle… surrender”.

OK, so I lost stuff I thought was important, I cared about or just bought/received. Each time I lose stuff now I’m noting my carelessness and how this could have been different if I’d had more considered awareness. And then I let go.

I still wish I hadn’t lost the stuff. But I’m saving myself from going crazy. And in three cases the ‘lost’ stuff I mentioned did eventually turned up. Like my lunch (down a space in my car), my button (inside the front door of my house – how lucky is that?) and my movie ticket prize (honest co-workers). But instead of spending the day thinking about what I’ve lost and draining my energy that way, I’ve thought about the pattern of what has happened. And that if stuff is meant to turn up, it will.

What can I say? It makes my day less stressful. And it makes me more aware of the little actions I take or don’t take.

Then there’s the common experience of struggling with traffic. We all do it. Get impatient, swear, shout, give dirty looks to someone we think is an idiot and shouldn’t be allowed on the road. Hmmm.

I started to notice the more I struggled with traffic, the more I was annoyed or tried to get around someone, the more strung out I was. Now I’m talking a pattern of days, weeks, months. I noticed that whenever I didn’t hold a vested interest in how fast the traffic was moving, things flowed better. Moment-to-moment stress about traffic is counter-productive and takes you away from what is – here I am in a car in traffic. OK. So its still something I have to work at but such a relief when I do just… relax…

Awareness, after all, is not just about meditation. Its about every darn thing in this world.

~Svasti