Review: Kerry Belvisio’s Self Alignment Kit – part II

Tags

alignment, Anxiety, calmness, career, chakra cards, FREAKING THE FRACK OUT, Kerry Belvisio, Kinesiology, Love, Money, Negativity, peace, self alignment, Self-Alignment Kit, space, speaking truth, survival

[Read part I first]

Part II of this review is where I tell you all about what I did Sunday night for my first time using the Self-Alignment Kit!

Personally right now I’ve been pretty stressed about my impending potential unemployment.

You know… right before Christmas (spendy and not a great time to be looking for work!). Right before my fully paid for holiday (yikes!). No partner or anyone else I might be able to lean on for support (physically, emotionally, financially etc etc).

Freaking scary, let me tell you! But also, I’ve been in this place before. For months, actually. And the thought of going through that again scares me silly.

So I thought I’d try to get some self-alignment happening around all of this. Because if I can get rid of some of the anxiety/negativity/blurry vision around my work situation, that has to be a good thing, right?

Working the process to get aligned

So I read the workbook first (as recommended), then printed off a worksheet. You use a new worksheet each time you want to get aligned with one of your goals.

The first thing the worksheet asks you to do is to work out your area of focus.

For me right now, that’s easy: Money. Career.

The next question is about how you feel about those things. Haha. I wrote: Scared. Upset. Freaked out. 😀

Then, there’s the process of figuring out your goal for this particular session. The workbook has lots of helpful hints and even some suggestions around common topics like love, career, family etc, that you can adapt for your own purposes.

My goal is around securing a stable and well-paying job in the immediate future.

Then comes the fun part. I had printed out but not yet cut up my chakra cards.

A sample of some of the dozens of chakra cards in the kit

So part of this first time around was cutting them into their little coloured squares and messing up the order, shuffling them with intent and so on.

I did an extremely thorough job of said shuffling, then spread them out on my desk to choose one.

With my eyes closed.

Hands over the cards, feeling for a hotspot.

And which card do you think came up?

Yep…

At which I rolled my eyes, because DUH!

This whole thyroid/Hashimoto’s deal is about EXACTLY THIS.

Kerry wisely counsels: Assume that the first card you choose is the RIGHT card. Otherwise you might miss something important.

Smart cookie, that Kerry.

Because otherwise I might’ve done just that, thinking that “speaking truth” was just too obvious for me. And also too “big” for this career/money goal I was focusing on.

So I decided to trust the process, and was pleasantly surprised by what came up. I kept working through the questions on the worksheet and here’s what I figured out…

Speaking the truth about my current line of work is somewhat precarious. Obviously I don’t want to tell a potential employer that I’m only in it for the money until I get to the point where I can quit (for my excellently awesome future life plans).

BUT. Then I asked myself…

– Am I being truthful about what I will and won’t accept in this interim (meaning, “for now”) work I’m doing?

– Am I setting expectations with potential employers that honour and support my needs, while still doing the best job I can?

– Am I just copping out with how I’m viewing this interim work and therefore creating a rod for my own back? (i.e. “suffering” through things I don’t want to do, making life less enjoyable)

– Could I really be making more of this time, and with this interim work?

Hmmmm. Then I figured out the following truths:

• I know, of course, that the work I’m doing right now is not how I ultimately want to be earning money.
• But I’ve been treating it all as very much just a means to an end.
• I’ve allowed myself to take jobs that pay well, but haven’t necessarily allowed me to feel fulfilled or satisfied at all.
• But it doesn’t have to be that way. Even though I don’t really want to be doing this kind of work forever, I CAN find employment that allows me some job satisfaction.
• Doing this work is certainly a means to an end, but it doesn’t have to be just about financial survival.
• Oh wow… look at that.
  Here I am using the word “survival”, which has been the mode I’ve functioned in for the last 5 or 6 years.
  I-n-t-e-r-e-s-t-i-n-g…

So at the end of the process (which can be as short or long as you like!), I found myself writing the following:

• I don’t have to take just any job.
• The job I am offered will meet my physical, financial AND spiritual needs (somehow!)
• I can find people and lessons in this work I don’t want to be doing forever – these people or learnings will be of benefit to me in the future, even if I don’t know it now.

Which left me feeling… a little less panicked and overwhelmed.

Which created a little more space and calmness – as opposed to the FREAKING THE FRACK OUT that I had been doing.

A day later, I’m still feeling positive and calm.

I have an interview lined up for tomorrow at lunchtime, and I feel confident that I’m coming from the right place in assessing whether or not it will be the right job for me.

All in all I’m in a much happier place than I was last week, even though I’m closer than ever to potential unemployment.

Like the Self-Alignment Kit? Use this discount code!

Kerry has kindly offered readers of this blog a 15% discount.

Hooray for discounts!

So instead of AUD $59, you’ll pay AUD $50.15 – which is excellent value for something you can re-use time and time again.

Just enter this code when you order: imwithsvasti

Thanks, Kerry!

Timing is everything, and this little gift of the Self-Alignment Kit has been very timely indeed. I can’t tell you how much I value your support and love.

~~~~~~

Wishing you all peace, love and alignment, peeps.

~ Svasti xxx

Getting the jump on avoidance #reverb10

Tags

#reverb10, Anxiety, Avoidance, budget, Coping, Depression, expectations, fear of failure, horse dung, perfection, PTSD, survival

Would you believe that I’ve been avoiding the #reverb10 avoidance topic? Yep. I’m pretty sure I’ve got a good reason for that, but then aren’t reasons just justifications for our need to avoid stuff? I kinda think that could be the case…

Beyond Avoidance. What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)
~ December 20 prompt

You know what? I don’t believe in “should” any more. “Should” suggests that if you don’t do something, then you’re a bad person or a failure in some way and I think that’s a load of horse dung.

However, I can talk for miles about avoidance. From first-hand experience I can tell you that avoidance is a coping strategy, and if you’re living with PTSD or any other kind of anxiety or depression then you’re gonna be a master of avoidance. You’ll probably even avoid talking about the things you avoid, especially if asked a direct question.

Why? Because the things a person in that situation is avoiding – large or small – are things their subconscious considers dangerous to their mental and/or physical health.

For example: I refused to say the name of my abuser to anyone, even myself. For almost three years I couldn’t write it, think of it and I sure as hell couldn’t say it. Eventually I did, but it almost killed me to get those words out.

My most common reference to that dude was “the guy who assaulted me”. I simply avoided drawing attention to the fact I hadn’t named him and as such, most people didn’t notice. Which was great because for the longest time his name – which is Apu – held a lot of power. Power I allowed it to have, not anything real.

So avoidance is a reaction to fear, and way of surviving when we feel threatened. But the more we give in to avoiding stuff, the less likely we are to do the thing we’re avoiding.

Avoidance in 2010

For the first four months of 2010 I avoided doing much at all about being a yoga teacher. Eventually I nailed myself on that however by telling myself I had to give it a go. As terrifying as it was I knew if I didn’t at least try, I’d kick myself later.

What else have I avoided? Hmmm, I’d say lots of things. I think it’s a standard human response to being busy, stressed or fearful and the best way to combat avoidance is to pay attention to what’s going on. It gets exacerbated by mental health issues, but we all have to deal with it in some way.

As I might’ve mentioned, I’m terrible with money and detest doing my own budget (although if I didn’t have one I’d be completely lost). So every pay day I drag my heels when it comes to looking at my budget spreadsheet, moving money around and paying bills.

Usually it only lasts a few days until I give myself a nudge, but in those days I notice my ever-increasing reticence to this mundane task. There’s a haze of (fake) confusion and overwhelm that grows in direct proportion to my heel-dragging.

Kicking avoidance in the nuts

In the 11 things post, I’ve made a list of the stuff I plan to kick out of my life next year. And if I’m going to avoid anything important, I guarantee you it’ll be something that’s on that list!

I find it helps to have such a list, put it somewhere prominent and then break it down into practical activities I can do. I also use Google calendar to send Future Me reminders because it synchs with my beloved iPhone. Reminders can be about specific tasks or a point in time to review how I’m going. The important thing about the reminders is to act on them as soon as they appear, otherwise they pointlessly float on by.

The other key for me to stop avoiding things is to be okay with what I do make happen. So what if things haven’t turned out exactly I as I wanted? Discarding my expectation of perfection dispels some of the fear of failure, and allows me to act in whatever capacity I can.

And after all, if I completely avoid things I want to do because I’m afraid it won’t work… then it really won’t work, will it?

~Svasti

Mind warriors

Tags

arch-nemesis asana, façade, flexibility, guard duty, in my head, keeping up appearances, mind warriors, Shadow Yoga, Shakti, strength, survival, Uddiyana bandha, Vahni, Yoga

When I first came to yoga and indeed even up until a few years back, it was just a physical/mental practice I did because I liked it. But nowadays, I find myself engaged with yoga on so many different levels. Some I’m aware of, and others… well, I’m not, or at least not straight away. Then, there’s the little hits of shakti that occasionally smack me right between the eyes during or after a yoga practice, revealing the truth as it actually is.

Like on Monday night. Oh yes.

I’ve noticed lately that a lot of my yoga blogging friends have been writing about their arch-nemesis asana(s). And don’t we all have them! Poses we’d happily never do again in our entire lives. Those we’d like to obliterate from the annals of yoga history if we could! Okay, maybe it’s not ever *that* bad or dramatic. Right?

Personally, I don’t want to abolish any poses. Not really. In fact, I enjoy taking on the challenge (most of the time) of working on asana I find challenging and discovering how joyful I feel when my body finally opens a little more until I find I can move into a pose with ease, when previously I’d thought it impossible.

My own current challenge concerns a Shadow yoga pose called Vahni.

I have this suspicion that in many ways, my body and therefore my yoga practice reflects my life. When dealing with PTSD, my attempts to protect myself involved trying to keep up appearances. As such, I’ve spent a lot of time mimicking the behaviour of others. Trying to look like I was okay even when I was a huge, HUGE mess.

I know I was somewhat successful in this, because there’s plenty of people I worked with who never knew. The reason I know this is because I’ve since told some of those people a little about what I went through and they’ve exclaimed their surprise.

I also know the balance in my body between flexibility and strength isn’t quite right. I’m really flexible in some parts of my body and not others. I have very muscular legs but they can still be very weak. And I think I’ve learned to adapt the way I move in some yoga poses rather than learn to do them properly.

But with Shadow yoga, there are no shortcuts (which is part of why I love it). And I find that every movement informs me of where I’m still struggling – I’m grateful for the struggle because it demonstrates what I still need to do.

If you take a look at the photo of Vahni above, you’ll see that the upper body is sitting on the back heel, with the toes flexed. The front foot is parallel to the back, and the feet are not very far apart. To successfully ‘sit’ in this pose, the body must rest on the legs and both legs/feet must be working. Uddiyana bandha is also engaged.

My problems with Vahni seem to be in my hips and the alignment of my legs. I don’t have slender thighs and there’s a voice in my head that tells me I can’t bring my feet as close together as I need to, because of the size of my thighs. As such, I find my hips twist when I’ve been sitting in this pose for longer than a few seconds. Once my hips twist, my knees do too, and then my front foot starts to slip and I fall out of the pose.

My teacher has been very patiently trying to help me with this, talking me through it in detail. But even when she put a little weight on my front foot, I still fell out of the pose!

That’s when she looked me in the eye and said: You’re too much in your head.

I looked at her and nodded, before continuing with the practice.

Then the inner dialog began.

Huh? What does she mean? And why did I agree with her? I mean, I never USED to be an ‘in my head’ person. Quite the opposite! Right? I’ve always been so embodied, as a swimmer and a dancer…

And then I realised why it was true. Because I needed to be in my head to survive.

Apu – the man who assaulted me – struck my body with his fists. He took away the safety I felt in my own skin. The only place he couldn’t reach (although he tried that, too) was my mind.

And how does one keep up a façade of being okay when they are not okay at all? With very stringent control via the mind. That’s how.

Oh.

These realisations bubbled up as the practice continued and I thought I was okay with it all. Until we got to the end of the session, when we slowed down to focus inwards. I felt the tears racing towards my eyes and (of course) I tried to control it. Tried not to cause a scene.

But as that small yet significant piece of the truth replayed itself over and again, I realised how much it mattered. And suddenly I couldn’t partake in the final closing movements. Thank goodness I was at the back of the room! I dropped to the floor, leant against the back wall and sobbed. Again, trying not to make too much noise, but I let myself cry and it was a great relief.

The class ended and I pulled myself together enough to leave, avoiding looking at anyone. Rode my bike home, crying some more. But they were good tears.

So what does this mean, I hear you ask?

Even though I don’t need it in the same way any more, apparently my mind is still on guard duty. Weapons at the ready. It’s a routine devised out of fear, one that will protect but not bend or change easily. However, constant vigilance limits flexibility by design. The capacity for letting anyone or anything in or out is also limited.

And anything that causes even a hint of fear in me is enough for my mind to pull the brakes on – Vahni is definitely one of those things. I fear I can’t do it, that I’ll fall over, that I’ll hurt myself. I’m sure there’s more fears there, too!

Seems I need to have a few words with these mind warriors of mine – ask them to stand down, take a leave of absence. Learn a new drill, one that’s only activated when I really need it. Relax, because the danger is well and truly over.

Except of course, that the danger of limitation remains. If I’m too much in my head, that means nothing gets out and there’s also no way in…

Stand down mind warriors, stand down!

~Svasti