There are things I very badly want to tell you. No wait, I want to take you with me and show you instead, perhaps sliding into some kind of fantastic voyage vehicle, shrinking us down to microscopic dimensions and go within, go deep and far. And show you on some kind of cinema screen what it is that I see – my perception of the world and how I feel moment to moment. I want you to know for yourself because it’s quite possible that my words are so dreadfully inadequate or even that I’m using the wrong ones, and that I’ll never really be able to explain in a way that reflects what’s going on. At least, what I think is going on. Heh…
I have this theory, y’see, if we could all look into each other on a cellular level like that, perhaps we’d really get that there are no differences at all from one of us to the next.
Also, it’d be a handy shortcut for my current attempts to explain the unexplainable, to express transformations that remain entirely invisible to most. Because they’ve been rocking my world drastically and yet I’m bereft of explanations that make sense, even to me.
But here once again, I will try. So please forgive my lack of flow or any sketchiness, if you’d be so kind!
And now for a diversion. A confession if you will! Because I’m gonna have to keep writing til I can find a way to grasp what it is I really need to say. But also, I suspect the content of my confession has something to do with the above, too. Right!
So here’s the thing – I’m yet to start teaching yoga as the recently qualified 500 hour Hatha Yoga trained teacher that I am.
I’ve created roughly a bazillion excuses thus far. I felt shy, presumptuous, inexperienced, and unsure of myself. I had to save the money for my Yoga Teacher Association of Australia fees (which I conveniently kept forgetting to include in my budget – it’s not that much, it’s all about the planning). I didn’t think I was good enough. I’ve never been overly popular so who’d come to my classes? I’m not great at being the person in the center of the room (unless I’m performing in a costume). I haven’t perfected every asana and that’s not good enough. I want more experience of how other teachers teach before I try…
Yeah, I’ve got a lot of energy invested in not letting myself do what I want to be doing. Even though I know (somewhere in there) I’d actually probably be good at it, possibly maybe. Sure, I’d feel a bit nervous at first but then as I built on my confidence I know I’d find my flow and ahhhh… it’s not like I think I’d be “brilliant” from the get go – I know it takes time and experience to build up one’s teaching chops. But I’d do okay, I’d find my way of teaching with my current experience and skill.
And I think I’ve even let my experience of Mark Whitwell’s workshop and the Zen retreat bamboozle me, even as I gained so very much from what I learned with them both.
I know, of course, there is no other way but to do it. To get started, advertise and lead that first class. I know that, I do… and I’m about to send off my paperwork to get registered with the YTAA and get insurance coverage and all of that (yes, I finally put it in my budget!).
But it’s like I’ve deliberately held myself back, in case I actually succeed! Because what would happen then? I’ve watched The Blisschick go about doing exactly that with her Yoga Dance classes and I’ve read her posts and tweets about how exciting it is, and how much fun she’s having and I… sit on my ass and avoid planning!
Who will I be if I start teaching yoga? Even if it’s only one class a week to begin with? Yeah, that’s kinda what’s scaring me right now…
~Svasti
Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness 