It was kinda buried in my previous post BUT two things…
I’m currently in INDIA! Remember when I said I wanted to go to India?!
Well, it hasn’t happened *quite* like I was thinking it might. But I’m currently on week 4 and I’ve another month to go after that. Linda and I finally got to meet – of course we love each other, as expected after 3-4 years of online friendship. 😀
I’m writing about my travels in India, just not on THIS blog. So if you’d like the download on my adventures, leave a comment below and I’ll ping you.
Hope life is treating you all well. India has so far… been utterly transforming.
I know that sounds like a cliche but its true on some incredibly profound levels.
Been meaning to write this one up for a while now.
Have you noticed how darn freakin’ hard it can be to keep your eyes on your goals when they’re not immediately in front of you? When there are no set dates or schedules? Even worse, when you’re working like a demon to get to even the first marker and more obstacles appear? Yeah, me too. That’s pretty much been 2011 for me.
It can be handy to write up your plans and have them all in one place. So this post is exactly that – a manifesto of my Excellently Awesome Future Life Plans.
All in public and centralised, and a touchstone for me to revisit whenever I forget what I’m working towards. Also, it’s a bit like putting an advance order in to the Universe.
So here it is…*
Short term
Get a well-paying permanent or longer-term contract job (6-12 months) to keep me financially afloat.
Be employed before, during and after the end of my current contract (end-November ’11).
Take my birthday holiday trip in December. Have a blast, meet new people and RELAX.
Work on reducing my physical possessions – sell stuff or give it away. Hold a garage sale?
Medium term
Successfully wean myself off thyroid medication, with the assistance of kinesiology, diet, de-stressing, yoga and other exercise.
Get a clean bill of health for my thyroid once I’m off medication.
Write a complete first draft of the children’s book that’s banging around my brain. (It currently sends me messages like: WRITE ME, BIATCH).
Find someone to illustrate my children’s book and collaborate on the work.
Reverse my thyroid-induced weight gain. – HAPPENING!
Pay off all of my debts completely.
Start saving a whole bunch of money for my Big Overseas Adventure!
Gain my English as a Second Language (ESL) teaching certificate.
Keep reducing amount of physical possessions to those things that are necessary for functional and/or emotional/spiritual/sanity purposes.
Get travel shots.
Longer term
Find a publisher who wants to publish my book and pay me money for it!
Once I’ve saved up a whole bunch of money for my Big Overseas Adventure, buy an around the world plane ticket. Get necessary visas and insurance. UPDATE 17/3/2013: For now, I’m not taking a ’round the world trip, just a two month sabbatical to India (currently in progress!)
Quit my job. WOOP! WOOP!
This one is sad. 😦 Find an excellent new home for Miss Cleo the cat. My beautiful girl. UPDATE 17/3/2013: Since I’m not going overseas indefinitely, I just have a house/cat sitter instead!
Sell all possessions I don’t want to keep. Box up what’s left to put in storage.
Make all necessary plans and farewells. Then GET ON PLANE!!
First stop: India, for panca karma, studying at KYM and Satyananda Ashram. Wander about. See things. Be in the world.
Second stop: find wherever my Guru is in the world and spend some time with him, still studying yoga (referring to the complete idea of yoga here – philosophy, meditation, asana, pranayama, mudra, bandha).
Third stop: spend some time in retreat.
Other stops: maybe visit friends in the UK and US. Do some volunteer work in Haiti. Wander about. See things. Be in the world.
Maintain and increase my good health, thyroid or otherwise.
Even longer term…
Now I’m getting into very speculative territory. But here’s a lifestyle that could make me happy:
Settle down somewhere in Asia. Maybe Thailand or somewhere nearby. Somewhere beautiful.
Get a job teaching yoga, perhaps at some swanky retreat centre.
Perhaps get another job teaching ESL.
Write more children’s books and/or other types of books.
Maybe also do some freelance writing for various websites.
Combine all of the above with doing service work of some kind, preferably working with children or women at risk. People who need love.
Maybe other things. Probably LOTS of other things. But the point is to be doing work that I love and that makes me happy.
Maintain and increase my good health, thyroid or otherwise.
Live a life I can’t even imagine right now. A really, really GREAT one.
Somewhere in this process…
I dare to dream that this future also includes personal, romantic love. As in a partner. It’s been a long time, but I think I’m finally ready to open my heart again. For someone who gets me, and vice versa. Someone who has a good heart and thrives on the kind of life I’ve described above, just as much as I do. Someone who isn’t afraid of change, growth and learning new things. Someone who knows who they are and isn’t afraid to challenge themselves or me. Who is passionate and knows how to make me laugh. Side note: someone who is preferably taller than my 5’10½” because I dig a tall guy.
So there we have it. My Public Declaration of Excellently Awesome Future Life Plans.
For a long time, I didn’t have any plans or dreams. I didn’t make any and couldn’t even imagine a time in my life where I’d be happy and doing what I wanted to be doing. Things are different now. I’m on my way, y’all!**
Of course, the Universe will have a say in how things pan out. But assuming the Universe agrees, this is what I’ll be doing.
~ Svasti
* This post will get updated as things change!
** Being on my way doesn’t mean I assume everything is gonna go off without a hitch or be problem-free. That’d be foolish-thinking. But I’m down with a somewhat bumpy journey, as long as I can still achieve my goals.
I’ve large feet, but apparently not as large as they should be (anatomically speaking) for my height of 179cm (or 5’ 10.5”). They are an Australian size 9½ which is a 41 (European) and 8½ (US).
They are my father’s feet: weird squiggly toes and plenty of calluses that I get smoothed down whenever I have a pedicure.
They’ve carried me to many places around the world: Egypt, Chile, England, Wales, Orkney Islands, New Zealand, America, Bali and Thailand. They’ve trekked through dessert sands, snorkelled on the Great Barrier Reef, climbed dormant volcanoes, skied many an alp, belly-danced all over Sydney, walked dogs, taken part in the Sydney City to Surf, swum thousands of kilometres… they’ve done a lot for me, these feet.
And yet, it seems I do not trust them as I should.
Have I taken them for granted? Have I assumed limitations for them that do not exist? Am I wary of what they can and can’t do, and am I afraid to find out?
It’s true; they’ve let me down in the past. Or perhaps it was me that did the letting down? There’s been two broken toes in their history (both on the left foot – little toe, then the one next to the big toe), one bone graft (see photo), and several sprained ankles. They’ve suffered abuse as all dancer’s feet do. They’ve coped as well as they could given my high instep.
And actually, they still make awesome ballet pointed feet, even today. Which was always a bonus as a synchronised swimmer, back in the day…
But now I understand that I don’t have complete faith in my feet. Which, when you think about it, means I don’t have complete faith in myself. But of course!
Last Sunday in Shadow Yoga we began to learn another part of the Balakrama form. You can see a little bit of the series in the video of Emma Balnaves, below…
Unfortunately it cuts off just before you get to see Chakri. Which is performed with the legs in horse stance, and requires you to rotate your upper body in a revolving circle. Dipping the upper body forward and down, between the legs and back up again. All the while, keeping the legs in horse stance.
In case you’re wondering, it’s not easy to get it right. But it is far easier than I thought it was. At first, I relied very much on my upper body and core strength to complete the circle. I don’t think I was the only one.
Our instructor corrected the class with words we hear often in Shadow Yoga: Plant your awareness in your feet.
Then perform Chakri! And oh, the lightness in the body! The smoothness of my circles compared with how they had been!
All I had to do was allow my body to rest in my feet completely. Doh!
More evidence is to be found in my attempts to perfect Vahni, which is in the opening sequence of the video clip. Here’s a screen grab so you can get a better look…
In Vahni, you are sitting on your back heel. This is what anchors the pose. Thus far, it’s the hardest part of my Shadow Yoga practice (of course, what we each find challenging varies with our different bodies, strengths and flexibility).
Sometimes I can do it and others I find I’m still holding onto a block either side of my body as I struggle to find my balance.
But I learned something last weekend: I don’t have a balance problem at all, if I allow the weight of my body to sit more fully on my back heel.
Right now when I do that, it feels almost like I’m going to fall over. But then I don’t fall; instead I’m sitting on my heel. And Vahni (the flame), is steady.
While it feels as though I’m leaning back, really, I’m just becoming more upright. My weight shifts onto my heel and I am vertical.
But a lifetime of leaning forward has pushed my sense of vertical off-center. I’m perfectly fine with standing, of course. But balance poses (as I’ve mentioned before) have always been a bit vexatious for me.
It’s been both a physical and emotional leaning forward. Physically, because I was always head and shoulders above my friends from age twelve. And because I got very busty, very quickly: something that’s caused many back problems over the years. Emotionally, because the first instinct for someone in pain is to curl up in a ball. Our shoulders hunch forward and we seek comfort by making ourselves small and round.
Shadow Yoga is fascinating because it seems like the “under the hood” version of yoga. Like how a boy with his new bike will take it apart so he can see how to put it back together. This is my experience of Shadow Yoga thus far, in all its primal and intense expressions.
Its true, my balance has improved this year, and really, really improved in the last couple of months… since I started Shadow Yoga.
Still, in Vahni and Chakri I have troubles. Because they are looking through the magnifying glass at tiny details, and absolutely it breaking down. So I can see.
And what I see is that my balance issues are directly proportional to the faith I place in my feet and myself. Do I trust myself not to fall? Do I believe in the strength of my body and mind?
These kinds of realisations are one of the many miracles of yoga. And its amazing how such a light bulb moment can change your entire practice instantaneously. And then, how your practice then extends out into your life!
As has been said many times, yoga was never meant to be solely an ‘on the mat’ practice…
Today is the beginning of some huge changes I’m making in my life.
For a long time things have been very much ‘same-same’. No changes. No movement out of the ghetto I’ve been sheltering in.
Despite everything I’ve tried, I haven’t been able to lose weight (I know this is energetic/emotional). I haven’t been able to move forward, meet the man of my dreams. I haven’t been able to put the past in the past. I have been unhappy with my workplace situation. I haven’t been having my regular deja vu experiences – which are like signposts to me that I’m on the right course in my life.
Then earlier this year, I had mystery shoulder pain to deal with. Once I finally figured out what that was all about and started therapy… well that’s when all these changes started to snowball. My mother went into hospital for her third surgery in twelve months and at the same time my 93 year old grandmother had yet another fall, and was moved from her ‘independant with much help’ life to life in a nursing home (which she hates). I was also having a minor anxiety attack at the huge rent increase the landlords wanted on top of another pretty decent one six months prior. And then the news about my boss being inflexible with my holiday leave.
Ofcourse, at the same time that all this stuff has been going on, I also started this blog and decided to wrestle my darkest experiences into words and publish them on the interwebs.
Suddenly, nothing was ‘same-same’ any more!
In fact, it was big decision making time. I stopped seeing everything that was happening as a disaster and started tuning in to the Grace of the situation. And I realised it was time. Time to tear it all down.
There are various people to whom this quote is attributed (Einstein, Franklin etc):
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Nothing had been working the way it was. And I wanted things to be different??
So… I came to the conclusion that its just time for change. As my good friend L said, Well, you’ve been saying nothing is changing in your life, so isn’t this a good thing?
Right. Right!! Yes, it is a good thing. However its just a whole lotta change all at once. But taken one thing at a time, its not so bad. And actually, I couldn’t be starting therapy again at a better time really. My therapist, H, has been an amazing support.
So I did what I had to do for both my mother and grandmother. I handed in notice on my rented flat, organising to stay with my folks for a little bit before my overseas trip and for a while when I get back. And I quit my job without another one to go to.
As another one of my good friends JM would say – I’m taking a running leap and trusting that the universe will be there to support me.
So far, so good.
I’m moving this weekend. This afternoon in fact. And even though I despise moving and packing, I’m doing a damn fine job on my own! I’m leaving my work on good terms. I’ve even been told to take whatever time I need to go to job interviews. I have a second interview next week for a job that I’m really interested in, so keep your fingers crossed for me. And in a week and a half, I’ll be going overseas for five weeks on my yearly yoga retreat.
My parents are taking care of lovely Cleo the cat whilst I’m away. And when I get back, I fully expect to either already have a job or get one pretty quickly. The market for my industry is on fire at the moment!
So yeah. I could have chosen to let all this make me weak. But instead I decided to surf the wave of change, taking control, riding high and proud. It has actually been very liberating, especially at the time when I’m facing my worst demons.
Its a very strange thing to not know what your future is going to look like. I mean, none of us really do, but we generally kind of have an idea. We know where we live, what our job is (if we have one). We generally know what life will look like in a couple of months from now. I have not a clue.
I’m meant to be packing since I’m moving next weekend. I’ll be putting all my stuff in storage before I go overseas for a month. I know! Lucky me, right?
But I hate packing with a passion, even if I recognise that it’s an important step towards what I’m doing and where I’m going. As a result, I’ve done very little packing yet. There’s probably still about 80% of the work to be done.
If I count all the houses I’ve lived in (excluding short term stays with other people) then we’re talking 18. I seem to have a gypsy curse! Even when I’ve wanted to stay put, life just never worked out that way. The more I move, the more I detest packing things up.
So I’m procrastinating ofcourse and I’m sure that’s contributing to my current mood.
But, it’s not the main reason I’m feeling this way right now. One of my major PTSD triggers is being in the shower. Stripped, naked, all the barriers are down.
Sometimes PTSD episodes are really intense and involve lots of visual flashes, but other times its just a full on emotional state that takes over. Today it’s been like that.
My therapist says I should try to remember the emotion or thought that triggered the episode, but that can be challenging when it’s just so subtle. I just don’t know what it was today!!
There I was happily washing my hair when I began feeling very, very small, weak, and traumatised. So sad, with deep grief pouring out from the depths of my being. Before I knew it I was bawling.
Have you ever cried your heart out under the shower? It’s weird, because you can still feel the tears even with the water cascading around your head. It doesn’t go away. And there’s nowhere to run, in the shower.
One of the symptoms of my depression has been to simply stay inside my house for the whole weekend. To not go anywhere, do anything, see anyone. Even if there’s something I need, or if I promised I’d go somewhere, I end up not leaving the house.
Today I could feel that vibe coming on after my shower. Things weren’t getting any better, so I made myself go out. I knew I wasn’t going to get much packing done today, and it would be better for me to go and see the world around me.
Actually, I needed to go out coz there’s still a bunch of stuff I need for my trip. And it was nice to see other people, living lives that are possibly less bizarre than mine.
My first stop was the local Macro Wholefoods for lunch and some supplies – organic liquid soap and Vicco toothpaste. A couple of essentials for when I’m in the wilds of Thailand, way off the beaten track.
Then the local camping store strip. Yay for me, there were some mid-year sales happening. And now I have fantastic travel pants, some technical socks, a tiny but powerful tent lamp and some other bits and pieces.
All good, and then I distracted myself by putting things for my trip in my backpack (see left) – its starting to look like it’s about to go travelling, don’t you think??!!
But then I ran out of things that needed ‘doing’. And here I am, still facing the emotional aftermath from my shower.
So I’m bringing out the big guns.
The following is a technique that comes from the yogic tradition I’m an initiate of.
What to do – think about your feelings in terms of its qualities. Right now, my feelings are:
Heavy
Contracting
Wet
Warm
Slippery
Once you’ve identified the qualities – which might involve a little effort and contemplation – the next step is to meditate on the feelings as the qualities. Where in your emotional landscape and your body is heavy? Where is there contraction? Where? Where? Where?
Keep looking, keep searching it out. Interestingly, the more you do this, the more you realise that the feeling is not where you thought it was.
The ultimate goal of the practice is to see that you don’t own these feelings at all. That they are much bigger than you are. Eventually if you keep meditating like this, you can resolve the energy ‘cramp’ causing your emotions.
It isn’t as easy as it sounds and I’m certainly no master. But it’s extremely useful for me in any case.
For those out there who also deal with PTSD, what do you do? How do you deal?
Today is the beginning of some huge changes I’m making in my life.
Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness 