belly-dancer, betrayal, chronic insecurity, dis-ease, disorder, disturbance, dysfunction, Essential Nature, Healing, imbalance, infection, infinitesimal heart fractures, inner light, Kinesiology, repressed emotions, thyroid, unconditional love
I’m not sure where in the world-wide-web the above image comes from, except that a friend sent it to me to share a little love from the other side of the world. Gorgeous, isn’t it?
Life is quite weird right now. I pretty much need all the love I can muster because I’m losing my bearings a little. But in a good way.
Thanks to the kinesiology work I’m doing (first with Kerry, then Amanda), I feel like there’s an awful lot of stuff shifting but it’s hard to explain exactly what that means. In fact, Kerry and I swapped a few messages on Twitter about just this topic today:
Svasti: Getting in ever deeper with the kinesiology work and the words don’t come as easily to explain.
Kerry: Sometimes you don’t know consciously what is shifting with the kinesiology. But shift things do!
Svasti: Oh. My. Word. Yes, they do!
Kerry: One client told me she doesn’t believe you can really know the true outcome of a session – more far reaching than you can tell.
This fairly accurately sums up what’s going on, in that I’ve truly no idea. Well, except that “stuff” is being moved around and healed and released and so on…
Right now, we’re ostensibly focusing on healing my thyroid. But what’s coming up in my sessions is a LOT of stuff I thought I’d dealt with already and then things I didn’t even know about. Stuff within the depths of my hidden memories of childhood – you see, until I was about nine or ten, I don’t have many clear memories at all.
All of what’s coming up however, is emotional. Even/especially the stuff I don’t remember. Which is both not surprising and also blindingly “doh”!
For years, I’ve been talking about how repressed emotions cause dis-ease. It’s something I knew intuitively but I didn’t expect it would happen to me – until it did. After all, I live life with my heart on my sleeve like nobody’s business!
But it’s the secret ones – those terribly hurtful and painful stories we tell ourselves about life and our interpretations of the actions of others – those are the ones we furtively sequester and barely even admit to ourselves as thoughts, ideas or feelings that cause dozens of infinitesimal fractures in our heart.
Over the years those stories build and are built upon. They take on form and meaning that deeply wounds our Essential Nature. But because we swallowed these tiny poisonous arrows whole, we’ve never seen them for what they are. So they become infected and take down our mind and body; into imbalance, infection, disturbance, disorder, dysfunction and dis-ease.
Let me try to illustrate what I mean with one of my own stories.
Shall we being with my chronic insecurity? Born of growing up with totally dissociated/emotionally neglectful parents and a physically/verbally abusive brother. Lots of shit went down before I even turned twenty-one. Enough for a lifetime of healing. But by my mid-to-late twenties, I’d convinced myself I was done with all of that stuff! I was over it (yeah right!) and moving on. I was in the beginning of my “spiritual search” phase and I was all god-realmy with a “nothing can touch me” attitude.
Everything looked good on the surface until things started falling apart with the guy I was engaged to.
Here’s what came up in my kinesiology session – betrayal. The specific incident* was this:
From before I met my then-fiancé, I was performing as a professional belly-dancer every weekend and dancing several nights a week. Then I was injured and had to stop dancing for a while, which meant I put on a little weight. My fiancé had a real problem with this, despite the fact that he wasn’t in the best physical shape himself. When we met, he had a pot belly which he kept for our entire relationship (and beyond). I loved him anyway for his inner light, for who he was. But when I was the one putting on weight, he freaked just a little too much. In fact, one day a mutual friend of ours was visiting and while she was there he very bluntly told me that I needed to lose weight. I was humiliated and breathlessly angry. So was our friend.
Like I’ve said before, it’s a good thing I didn’t marry this charmer, eh?
The story isn’t exactly a nice one, but the thing is that it goes deeper than that. My fiancé’s words were an explosive missile direct-hit to the part of me that was – and perhaps still is to a much lesser degree – deeply insecure.
The story that’d been going around and around in my mind and body for years was this:
No one loves me for who I really am.
(Gimme a moment here folks… writing that just now had a HUGE cost attached…)
And here was solid gold “proof”: even my fiancé, the guy I thought of as my soul mate and who’d flown me halfway around the world to propose to me… even he didn’t love me for who I was. It wasn’t unconditional love. His feelings towards me began to change just because I put on a little weight!
This was the man I’d planned a thousand dreams with – our wedding, babies, our lives. How and where we’d bring up our children. The studies I’d do while I was at home with the babies. And so on.
I was confused, upset and sad. But most of all, I felt utterly betrayed. Even if I didn’t admit it to myself back then.
That hidden fissure in my heart (chronic insecurity) was put under immense pressure by this event. In fact, I’d go so far as to say it was both the beginning of the end of my engagement, and the point from which I was doomed to make increasingly bad choices about men in the future.
The ultimate bad choice in men led to being assaulted – and the rest of that story is where this blog began.
And this, folks, is what I’m unearthing in my kinesiology sessions. The deepest, darkest stories I’ve told myself about myself. Stories that cause illness of body and mind.
These secret ones.
For it’s not our easily revealed wounds that cause the most grievous injuries, but the ones we hold onto for dear life because we sincerely believe them to be true based on “evidence”.
There’s dozens of tiny stories like this that come out during each and every kinesiology session. Sometimes, I’ve no idea what they’re about – the above is just a more lucid example that I can kinda wrap my brain around. But the work is all like this…
~ / \ ~
* It’s too complicated to explain to y’all how this information is plucked from my mind and body in a kinesiology session as being THE thing to work on. But trust me, it isn’t random and it’s always spot on.