Something for nothing

Tags

Blessings, Blog, Facebook, Generosity, Giving, good luck, Human kindness, Kindness, Love, service work, Twitter, Unemployed, Yoga

Nearly lost it on the way home from my yoga studio today. No, not falling off my bike… instead, deep sobs of gratitude welling from the pit of my stomach.

Had a little temp work in the last week, from Friday to Friday, four hours a day. Crazy little job really. Sitting on a reception desk where the phone hardly rings, and being told Oh, just look up whatever you like online… They worried if I’d be bored, without realising what an internet addict they had on their hands. Being paid to read blogs/Twitter/Facebook for four hours a day really isn’t bad, considering I’d be doing just that anyway…

Due to this surge of gainful employment, I wasn’t able to do all my hours at the yoga studio this week. Which kinda freaked me out, as I don’t like to disappoint once I’ve made an agreement.

But my yoga teacher said not to worry, and that it was better for me to be out there earning money. Actually, she’s been apologising for only being able to offer me cleaning work – can you imagine? Several times I’ve explained how damn grateful I am to be offered anything at all.

And it’s not that I’m superstitious or anything, but sometimes the space for a change of any kind requires a realignment. If you can’t make it happen yourself, a warm hearted and caring person can perhaps do it for you.

But certainly, I’ve seen more work in this last week than I have in three months. And none of it happened until after my teacher went out of her way to help me. I’m just sayin’.

So anyway, I arrived two hours early today to catch up on my hours for the week. Cleaning I find, is service work of a sort. It brings me joy to help maintain a place that’s becoming like a second home for me.

Then five hours of class, and as I’m leaving my teacher asked me if I’d like to be paid for my work thus far – literally half of the time I’d agreed to. Given it was that or withdrawing more money out of my dangerously depleted bank account, I said sure.

And get this – she pays me as if I’d worked 100% of the hours. Tells me it’s for good luck when I suggested she didn’t have to do that.

So I’m leaving with cash in my pocket, only half of which I’d actually earned and my eyes stinging madly. They’ve been stinging on and off all night.

Tried to think about the last time I did something for someone like that – just gave them money or goods or food – directly benefitting them in a way they really need.

Sure, I donate clothes and belongings to charities on a regular basis. But it’s not quite the same, is it?

Not that it was a lot of money but it wasn’t nothing either, and it’s gonna keep me afloat in the coming week.

It means a great deal more to me than that, though. Such a powerful act of kindness is a teaching in itself, isn’t it?

~Svasti

You’ve come a long way, baby

Tags

Asana, bird’s eye view, Blogging, Depression, Fat Boy Slim, Happy blog birthday, Healing, Meditation, Nataraj, Natarajasana, Post, Post-traumatic stress, PTSD, Recovery, Retreat, Spirituality, Therapy, Trauma, Truth, Unemployed, Yoga, yoga teacher training, Yogasana

For years I was totally hopeless with balancing asana in my yoga practice. I’d wobble, fall over and enviously look at others, wondering why I couldn’t do what they did.

Then some time ago, wobbling through Natarajasana (dancer pose) I had a realisation that changed everything… You’re not just trying to balance on one leg – you need to stabilise yourself by engaging every little piece of your body!

Oh! Seems so obvious in retrospect, but for some reason I really didn’t get that, until I did.

In turn, this taught me something important about life, in a very practical (not theoretical) way: Nothing in our lives is disconnected. Nothing.

Funnily enough, I’ve had this realisation many times – during meditation, from reading books and listening to dozens of lectures on the matter too.

Seems we don’t get it, until we do. Nothing is disconnected.

We’ve come a long long way together
Through the hard times and the good
I have to celebrate you baby
I have to praise you like I should
~Fat Boy Slim

For those of us consciously trying to heal our inner wounds, with our fragmented selves desperately trying to keep up… we’re often so busy focusing on the trauma, it’s hard to see the bigger picture.

Just for now though, I’m taking a bird’s eye view, trying to see the lay of the land, so to speak.

Why? Well, today marks the first birthday of Svasti! Hip-hip-hooray!!

To quote my last post, this blog grew as something of an impulse – a very strong desire to save my sanity. A much needed space to expel the violence, sadness and struggles I’d been dealing with all alone. Screaming into cyberspace seemed like a good idea, and I was right.

Blogging I’ve found… is sort of like travelling the world with an entirely different perspective. Instead of seeing museums and temples and the like, I find myself surveying the inner workings of people’s minds all ‘round the world.

In the process, I’ve made a lot of friends and learned plenty about myself and others.

Such as: There’s no simple cure to PTSD or depression. And there’s peaks and troughs to recovery. The peaks make me feel like I’m finally getting somewhere. The troughs make me feel like checking out of Hotel de Life.

Healing is not a one-shot deal. There’s no magic pill to solve all my ills, or anyone else’s. But the more we express, the better it gets (in the long run, if not straight away).

And given human nature is how it is, we find resonance in each other’s words. We discover we aren’t alone. We’re all connected. So, what we write can benefit others. That’s a good thing!

But I’ve also learned the assault I started writing about was only a small part of the story – a kind of bookend really, to a certain era of my life. An era I’m learning I need to write about. That’s all connected, too.

In the last twelve months I’ve: started therapy, quit a stable (but soul-destroying job), spent five weeks in spiritual retreat, conquered the worst of my PTSD symptoms (although I’m far from symptom-free), gained and lost another job, had a second niece arrive, found new friends, started yoga teacher training and struggled with a very morbid attack of depression. And I’ve spent the better part of this year unemployed, surviving on a fraction of what I usually earn.

Seems I’ve been shedding one skin after the other, kinda like an onion and with just as many tears.

But none of it is disconnected, I’m convinced of that. Where we’re at is a result of where we’ve been. There’s no plot device that led me down this path.

Gotta say this much – it’s a glorious place from which to find my balance in life, and I know I can do it.

So, here’s to the next twelve months in my/everyone else’s journey.

And thanks everyone for reading!

~Svasti

A little faith in me

Tags

Belief, Blogging, Copywriting, Faith, Freelance writer, Inner critic, Kung Fu Panda, Po, Svasti for hire, Unemployed, Writing

I still don’t have a job. It’s all a bit of a tease right now… just missing out, hearing about this one and that one. But nothing confirmed for ongoing work.

Yet.

However, seems I’m slowly and in miniscule ways (inch by inch even), developing a little bit of belief in myself…

Thanks in no small part to this blog, and of course to the lovely people who read my wild rantings here.

See, what’s just happened is this – last week, someone I used to work with (years ago) and who I’m Facebook friends with, posted a status update: Looking for a freelance writer who understands cyclists.

Wait-a-second…! That sounds like… it could be me!

Granted, I’ve never worked as a freelance writer. But I’ve done plenty of copywriting in other jobs I’ve had, both for websites and print materials.

Then of course, there’s this here blog. When I first started writing it, I gave myself permission to write without worrying too much about quality, with good reason.

For years as a high school student I was known for my writing, but the problem was… my mean old inner critic. Harsher than any of my teachers. I’d write and re-write and exhaust myself in the process. I was never happy with what I wrote, no matter what other people said.

So I stopped all together. Gave up the pursuit.

But this blog grew as something of an impulse – a very strong desire to save my sanity. And in writing endlessly here (with feedback from some of you good folk) my confidence in my writing abilities has grown. Slowly and tenderly.

So much so, that when I saw my friend’s status update, I was brave enough to suggest my services! She asked for some sample writing, but I didn’t have anything suitable (not sending stuff from my blog!). Said I’d put something together within a couple of days and submitted it by my self-imposed deadline.

Got an email the next day saying her boss was very happy with the sample, and they’d get back to me with a brief, some timings and to agree on a rate…

Someone is gonna pay me to write copy!!

Better still, it’s for a non-profit organisation that promotes cycling safety (right up my alley). Of course, it’s not yet a done deal, not until we’ve got some kinda agreement in writing. It’s a pretty good start though (here’s hoping my writing about it won’t jinx anything)!

Just today, I was asked to go to their offices for a briefing this Thursday. Yippee!

It’s only a one-off at this stage, but its something, right? And it could turn into more somethings? Yes? That’s what I thought!

And I’ve been thinking… perhaps this lack of work is all about me learning some kind of lesson. That, actually, I need to break away from the type of work life I’ve had to date? Become more flexible and independent in how I earn a living? Who knows, but that’s how I’m choosing to take it…

As such, I’ve decided to add another page to my blog (coming soon)! And it’ll be all about: Svasti for hire – copywriting, blog design, website production, SEO and digital marketing.

If you know anyone who’d like to hire a slightly neurotic, but highly creative yogini who’s got some kinda okay skills in the communication arena… send ‘em my way!

Oh, and I’m also gonna be doing some work for Anthroyogini sometime soon (when she sends me a brief!) on her upcoming big idea (which really is kinda cool).

~Svasti

Humble pie

Tags

Bali, Love, Quicksand, Sanur, Surrender, Unemployed, Yoga

Surrender is actually what happens when we give up the struggle. What’s that they say about getting stuck in quicksand? Oh yeah… don’t move about, be perfectly still. If you struggle too much, you’ll sink faster.

But giving up the struggle can feel like dying, can’t it?

I’m still a little stunned by the stark and clear honesty in BlissChick’s post (which I haven’t managed to respond to properly just yet). If you haven’t read it yet, please go and check it out. Tell others about it too!

So, my heart has kinda fled to its little internal cave for now, to cope with having a few less layers of protective numbness around it. That’s actually a good thing though! I’m doing okay, but can’t quite explain how I feel, having read someone else’s account of a mirror image of my very own experiences.

Then… after my next rent payment, I’m not entirely sure how I’m gonna pay my rent. I am looking for a flatmate (had been hoping it wasn’t necessary, but, ah well…). And I’m turning somersaults to find ways to earn some cash.

This is possibly the most broke I’ve ever been in my life. I might be able to ask one of my best friends for a loan, but I’d rather not have to…

Currently I’m just praying/wishing that one of the many jobs I’m applying for comes through for me, and immediately. Feel free to send a prayer or two my way, if you’re into that kinda thing…

I’m feeling rather blessed though, at least in one way. I went to my yoga school today with a heavy heart, worrying that I might have to drop out of my course (the one good thing in my life right now). Truth is, I simply can’t afford to keep paying the remainder of the course fees, which are due in monthly instalments.

But the principal who runs the school is a really wonderful lady. She told me not to worry about the fees right now, that I can catch up on them later.

More – she’s suggesting all sorts of things to help me out. I now have a flyer for my business services in the window of the school. She’s also asked me to send her a copy of my flyer to put up on her website.

Then, she’s offered me the cleaning job for the yoga studio once a fortnight for as long as I need it (which wouldn’t be much, but it’d be something). And she’s just sent me an email saying she’ll talk to her friends and local contacts to see if there’s any work they have as well. She doesn’t even want me to put this money towards my school fees for now… she just wants to make sure I’m okay.

I can’t express just how overwhelmed I am by this support. She’s only known me a few months and yet she’s willing to do whatever she can to help.

To me, this is yoga; and this is love. This is extending beyond your own needs to make sure other people in your community are okay.

Kinda reminds me of an experience I had in Bali three years ago. Since the bombings in 2002, the entire country has struggled. Much of Bali’s income is derived from tourism, and Australians used to holiday there in droves. But people have stayed away in fear, and the Balinese economy (and people) suffered en masse.

There I was in Sanur in some shop. I bought a shirt – just a light beachy kinda thing. The woman from the shop next door begged me to come into her shop next. I had a good look around, but honestly couldn’t find anything else I wanted to buy.

That’s when the woman from the first shop suggested I could buy a second shirt like the one I’d just bought, in another colour. She handed that shirt over to the other woman, so her neighbour could get the money for the sale. I was touched, and bought the extra shirt.

And now I know exactly how that feels.

~Svasti

BlissChick’s story

Tags

Anxiety, BlissChick, Confusion, Depression, Family, Recovery, Relationships, Stress, Truth, Unemployed

I am tired. And stressed to the eyeballs. I still don’t have a job, and very soon I’m about to be very, very broke unless the universe interferes. I’m working hard in so many ways, and I’m being assailed and tested constantly right now, on the planes of mental health, spiritual life, family and friends and… kinda everything. My belief in myself. The core of who I think I am.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that despite all of that, I’ve just read a marvellous post by BlissChick: Can I Get a Witness: Overcoming Depression through Story.

Go and read it now!!

There’s some highly truthful truths within that post, stuff I’ve thought about timidly under the covers with the flashlight on, but never ever out in the open.

Christine (BlissChick) and her partner Marcy (Ordinary Enchantment) really have got somethin’ goin’ on. Together, they’re a force to be reckoned with (not to mention their wonderful and wise pets). I hope some day I get as lucky as these gals, in meeting that person, where we just fit into each other’s lives. And support each other with strength and love when we need it most.

I read BlissChick’s post and I bawled, big heavy wet and salty tears. I’m gonna have to re-read it before I can coherently process the things that’ve touched my heart and soul so deeply at 1.30am in the morning.

But I want to say a big thank you to BlissChick for her post, honestly, and from the bottom of my heart.

~Svasti xo

Crash

Tags

Accident, Anxiety, Bike stack, Confusion, Crash, Depression, EMDR, Fear, Gravel rash, Injuries, Intuition, Mojo, Panic attacks, super powers, Unemployed

Been in a funny little funk this week. And its made it hard to write, damnit. Which really doesn’t help matters.

Where there’s movement after a long period of stagnation, often what you get is the discovery of more stuff to deal with. You couldn’t see it before coz there was so much else in the way…

Fell off my bike the weekend before this one. Took a major tumble. I’ve mentioned my clumsiness before… Somehow though, I managed to not break any bones, trash my clothing, and I didn’t wreck my bike. Overall, it was a pretty successful stack (Aussie term for fall/crash).

Returning from my yoga studies course, I was travelling on the footpath (which I don’t do a lot, but this was a busy road), and probably going just a touch too fast (ahem, when would I do that??). So when the broken footpath came into view, it was too late to avoid it. Just beyond this nasty piece of trouble was dirt – not helpful when you’re trying not to skid.

I could see what was gonna happen, and so I called on possibly the only super-power I actually do have… the ability to think clearly as I fall, and do what I can to minimise the end result.

As in, make sure my fingers aren’t in bad places, don’t try to break the fall with an outstretched hand (which can result in broken wrists) and try to relax as much as possible. The opposite of ‘bracing for impact’. Also, I threw myself off my bike, knowing I didn’t really want a handle bar or any other part lodged firmly against my ribs, for example.

‘Course, that doesn’t mean that I got off scot-free. Hardly! As I lay there fully stretched out on my belly, arms in front of me… trying to asses if I was okay, a lovely, well-meaning dude (himself a cyclist) came over to see if I was alright. But then, without warning tried to lift me to my feet, grabbing me under the shoulders while standing in front of me, causing my back to arch upwards… Don’t do that, please, I begged.

He looked offended, but I explained, I need to get up a little more gently. And y’know, its handy to understand if someone is really injured or not, before hauling them up by the shoulders! Rolling to one side and sitting up was much more ideal, once adrenaline stopped pumping so hard and I could start to feel the extent of my injuries.

Thank goodness for cycling gloves, is all I could think while inspecting the trashed palms of my gloves (grateful it wasn’t my hands). Elbows didn’t fair so well, though. The day was warm and I was dressed in an orange North Face t-shirt, not really ideal for cycling (though tempting when you think you’re invincible on a warm day).

Oh yes, it wasn’t pretty.

It was gravel rash.

Both elbows and knees, and my stomach. Found out later I was also gifted with a bruised boob. Ouch!

Left elbow was the worst. But both were nicely mashed up. Blood, dirt, tiny pebbles. Profusely stinging.

And what was that? My left shoulder was putting in a serious complaint. Didn’t have time to think about it too much, coz I was in danger of fainting.

The nice old guy checked my bike was okay and seeing I wasn’t in need of emergency treatment, directed me to a nearby seat. Which I needed, to catch my breath and make sure I was okay.

I needed to regroup if I was gonna cycle another five kilometers home.

Almost there, I dragged my bruised and battered self into the pharmacy conveniently placed on the road home… got pain killers and bandages and stuff from a very unsympathetic looking pharmacist.

Luckily as I said, nothing broken. I did wonder though, where my hot male nurse was… the one who shoulda been there to pick up the pieces!

So, anyway. Here I am, just finished a course of EMDR therapy. I’ll go and see my therapist again in a month. Just to see how things are going.

But on top of the physical meshing of body against pavement… there’s been another sort of crash.

Or, perhaps the best word is… panic.

No job. Again. No income. Limited stores of cash that won’t last forever. The job market is D-E-A-D and I’m not even getting a nibble from applications I’ve sent in! Doom and gloom on the news, unemployment’s jumped x%. Whatever skills I have, they’re only useful as long as there’s demand for them…

But there’s actually a bunch of work in my field in Sydney right now. So what am I doing here, anyway? In Melbourne? With nothing really going for me? The only thing that’s actually working for me here, is my yoga course. The whole move-to-Melbourne-and-become-closer-to-my-family thing was a wash. Of course, there’s my beautiful nieces.

But they aren’t my life. That’s my sister’s family, not mine. As for me? I’m trying to get my life back on track, fighting really hard for that and… its one thing after another.

Not to mention… my mojo has vanished! That little light of intuition, voices in my head that talk to me, tell me stuff… well, its been radio silence almost all of the last couple of weeks.

So what the heck am I doing again? Do I actually have a point, here? I’m not so sure about that right now…

That panic attack it seems, was just waiting for a clearing to have its turn. And so I couldn’t write. Couldn’t do anything much, especially in the last week… and I’m not feeling pulled in any one direction or the other. Nothing to guide me. Nothing.

And that’s where I am, still.

Got ordered out of the house on Friday by a friend… which helped but still, I’m not cool with all this nothingness. Though as a yogini, I darn well should be!

I know, I know. I’m still healing, moving on from demons of the past. Licking my wounds. Give myself a break. Yaadayaadayaada…

~Svasti

Where to next?

Tags

Asana Pranayama Mudra Bandha, C’est la vie, Jobless, Liberated, People watching, Plans, St Kilda, The Espy, Unemployed, Yoga

So, a funny thing happened on Friday, the day after my song haunting happened again…

I lost my job.

My (now former) employers told me at the very end of the day. But that little voice I’ve mentioned here a few times, it told me all day that something was up, even though I didn’t have any reason to suspect it.

It came down to money. They were hoping to be in a position to grow the company, but given the current economic climate and whatever other factors… they haven’t been able to make the sales they need. I blame the recession.

And so, my role has been terminated. They’ve given me one week’s notice (they actually owe me two, and I’m looking into that), and I have some accrued holidays.

They also gave me the option to take the notice period in lieu, and guess what? I decided that’s a good idea.

And that actually allows me to go hang out at the hospital tomorrow and meet my brand new niece (after she’s born via scheduled c-section).

Have to say though, that before the shock and freak out started to kick in, the very first reaction I had was relief.

I haven’t said much about it here, but it’s been a pretty stressful job, which hasn’t been so great given all the recent emotional upheavals I’ve been dealing with… it is a particularly disorganised place to work, and my bosses were not very supportive at all.

So in the last month I’d been looking around for a new job, as I wasn’t planning to stay anyway… it’s just always nicer when you don’t lose your old job before you get the next!

Financially I’m okay for a little while. Looks like my little tax refund bonus is gonna be used for living expenses til there’s more moolah rolling in. C’est la vie…

But I have plans, plenty of them. In fact, just after I was given the news, I stayed behind at the coffee shop and wrote out a huge ‘to do’ list. Everything from the basics like updating my résumé, getting in touch with my recruitment contacts, spreading the word to friends in the industry… to finally pulling a finger out and creating a professional résumé website (a good thing to have in my industry) and doing a letter drop in the local area, offering all kinds of computer help, setting up websites/blogs, a little design work, and help with writing resumes and website content.

And… I might just need to consider getting a flatmate. Will see how things pan out.

Next thing I did was go take my bike to the bike shop for a service and to get the seat put back on!

Then, back to the office for the last time. Cleaned my work computer of all personal files, handed in my phone and keys and left. Texted a bunch of friends, spoke to a couple of them as well… one of whom insisted that I go out and not mope around at home that night (saved that for last night instead!).

Went to a very well known live music establishment – The Espy in St Kilda – had a few drinks, listened to some pub bands (music got better as the night rolled on, or was that the beer and shots I drank?). Sat in a comfy corner for a while, people watching, (trying not to make eye contact more than once with sleazy men) and did a bunch of writing.

So… as a result there’s heaps of raw material to draw on for my blog. Actually yesterday’s post was the first carved from pages of long-hand notes scribbled in my strange loopy and angular handwriting.

Saturday, had an orientation session at my new yoga school (I’m confident I’ll have the money to keep paying monthly instalments for my course) – which was a very positive thing to do… some asana, talking about the course, meeting teachers and fellow students, looking at the text books we’ll be using (some of which I already own – like Asana Pranayama Mudra Bandha) and discovering that part of the tuition fee includes all the books, plus a yoga mat and props, a neti pot and tongue scraper – can never have too much yoga gear so that was exciting. And everyone is lovely, so I’m thrilled.

When that was done, instead of jumping straight on the train home, I wandered up the street, up up up up… in and out of a few shops and simply enjoying the  embrace of sunshine and warmth. Walked all the way to the next train station, right down by the bay actually.

Today, I’m starting to feel the other side of things, a little less positive, a little more like – wow, I lost my job! A little angry. But I still know it’s gonna work out just fine.

And I’m picking up a hire car so I can drive to the hospital tomorrow for the birth of my sister’s new baby – my second niece! My friend L and I are having a late lunch, too.

Then, seriously, I’ve got heaps to do. Writing posts, updating and sending résumés, getting my professional website up and running and creating flyers to offer my professional services.

I’m kinda pleased though, how well I’m doing with this sudden change. I actually feel liberated instead of overly stressed out. Free, not victimised. Excited about new possibilities.

And, as I said in my last post, there’s no such thing as an ending, really… just other directions to travel, other paths to explore…

~Svasti

Raven or crow?

Tags

Adventure, Crow, Cynicism, Demons, Fates, Humanity, Interviews, Job hunting, Mythology, Negativity, Norse, Odin, Raven, Unemployed

Now for a practical application of the Navaratri post I’ve just added – I think yesterday was something of a turning point for me.

I’ve just finished reading a rather long but beautiful post by Miss Sensuality. I resonate with her words and find they’re somewhat related to this post.

As you may have read in previous posts, I’ve been feeling pretty sorry for myself that my grand adventure hasn’t quite worked out the way I wanted it to – yet.

I took a gamble, I went with my gut – and as my mother would say – I threw away a perfectly good job. Yup. Up and left it. Because I’d been there too long. Because the politics and BS were getting to me. Because my boss was being pig-headed and wouldn’t give me the minimum leave I needed to attend my retreat (he offered two weeks instead of three – I resigned and took five weeks!)

Little did I know the economy was set for a tailspin, that when I returned, jobs wouldn’t be as plentiful in my industry as they were when I left. Never in my wildest dreams did I expect that almost seven weeks later I’d still be looking for a job. I can’t even get a temp job at the moment doing crappy admin work!!

Like Miss Sensuality, today I saw all these people with places to go, jobs to get back to, moving with confidence of their place in the world. I realised I used to be one of them. And I realised that I am not my job, I am not my money (which I’m rapidly running out of), I’m not my clothes, I’m not status, I’m not where I live. I’m still here and functioning without those things, without any security or income. And I am who I am. I am no different from anyone else. There is freedom in that knowledge.

On the back of these thoughts I had two interviews. One for a job I am not that interested in. The guy interviewing me spoke in sound bites and buzz words, and kept telling me what a “great opportunity” it was to join his team. He spouted statements that wouldn’t seem out of place on “The Office“. Apparently I’d be “locked into two years in the role” but after that I could “go anywhere in the company” (a very large corporate). Now here was someone clearly self-identifying with his job and his company as part of what makes him secure and comfortable.

As for me, I’m not “locked in” to anything. Even if I did take this “great opportunity” if it were offered to me…

The second interview was with a recruitment agent. Now, I’ve spoken to almost every half decent recruiter in Melbourne in the last seven weeks, so I thought I knew how they all operated. How wrong I was! This lady organised to meet me at the Sofitel in Melbourne in a ritzy bar on the 35^th floor. She presumes we’re having a drink, where I’d presumed we were having tea or coffee. Red wine for me and champagne for her.

The Atrium bar at the Sofitel, Melbourne

An interview that was booked for an hour stretched into two as we chatted like a couple of old friends. She gave me insights into the world of recruitment not offered to me by any of the others. We talked about her kids, our cats, the benefits of acupuncture. She treated me like a person instead of another faceless “candidate” and it was a breath of fresh air in the odd world of job hunting and interviewing.

Who knows what will come of that meeting if anything, but I’ve shrugged off some of my cynicism and negativity, thankfully!

Then on my way home (train, then bus) I’m on that last ten minute walk. I spot a large black bird – a crow or raven – sitting in a small bush next to someone’s letterbox. It doesn’t move as I approach. It eyeballs me, opening and closing its beak frequently. I think it might be injured as it isn’t flying away although I’m very close.

The beautiful bird I encountered on my way home!

I don’t want to leave it in case it is injured. It seems to be asking for help.

Just then a car turns into the driveway and a woman gets out. She comes over and inspects it with me, and agrees there’s a chance it might be injured. Now there are two of us standing there and the bird doesn’t appear distressed, staying right where it is.

Luckily, the woman’s husband works for the council and will know who to call to collect the bird. She says she’ll give it half an hour and if its still there, they’ll ring someone. I’m satisfied with that and walk home.

This experience too, was heart warming and human. A complete stranger, she could have thought I was crazy for caring about this bird, but instead she offered to help me.

In Norse mythology both ravens and crows have a prominent role. As they do in other cultures too. So call it superstition if you like, but seeing this beautiful black crow/raven possibly in need of help was an omen for me. The Norse associate them with Odin and the Fates – death/change and wisdom. At the end of a day where I had a shift in my current world view, this was not strange or disconnected to what was going on. Not as far as I was concerned anyway.

I am no different from any other person, but I’m also no different from this bird. We’re all part of this universe, and in the end that makes us as one.

As I meditate on the slaying of my “demons”, I’m grateful for the odd experiences that have made up my day.

I’ve managed to grab a few insights, see “reality” a bit more clearly and connect with other human beings who have shown more warmth in those short encounters than I’ve experienced from the various recruiters and other people I’ve met on my job search thus far.

And then there’s my crow or raven. I don’t care which it is, but I’m glad it was there.

~Svasti

Cursed?

Tags

Curse, Cursed, Don't belong, Fail, Jobs, Karma, Lady Luck, Murphy's Law, Nick Cave, Shivers, Unemployed

Taking a leaf out of Dr Jay’s book here with the quoting…

I’ve been contemplating suicide, but it really doesn’t suit my style,
so I think I’ll just act bored instead who can take the blood I would’ve shed?
She makes me feel so ugly my heart is really on it’s knees
but I keep a poker face so well that even mother couldn’t tell
– Nick Cave, Shivers

I’ve had enough. Of everything.

You know, I’ve worked hard to make the best of what I’ve been given in this life. It hasn’t been much love and light and happiness. I’ve tried hard to follow the path in front of me. But every time I think I’m doing that, the rug gets ripped out from under me.

As I’ve mentioned before, it seems I’m a game of catch between Lady Luck and Murphy. Something half-way decent happens in my life and then it sucks all over again.

Right now I’m about to puke I’m so unsure of myself. Am I cursed? Should I be paranoid that someone/something is out to wreck my life? What the?!!

Jobs are around, they’re everywhere. But I can’t get one. Not even a waitressing job and believe me, I’m trying. I’m getting plenty of interviews. All the recruiting agencies I talk to are impressed with me, my skills and experience. I get to second interviews and then nothing – so close and yet so far… For six whole weeks its been like this. Jobs are all around me, just out of reach.

When I left my job, all the signs were there I was doing the right thing. If you’re wondering what I mean about that, its all about how easy it is. How smoothly everything goes. It feels right at a gut level.

But I can’t shake the idea that I just don’t belong here, on this plane of existence. Its something I’ve always lived with. And at times like this, that feeling becomes much more intense.

Today I was excited, going for an interview for some freelance work. Sure, all went well and they were talking about how they’d like to get me in – but they need to wait until they get their next big piece of work to justify paying me, even though they’re trying to cover off replacing a full time role. I do understand ofcourse, but what a tease! That could be… well, not for ages! And who knows if they were just blowing smoke anyway?

So I’ve pretty much had it. I’ve talked to umpteen recruitment people. They all want me to come in and talk to them about ‘possible upcoming roles’ but they never seem to materialise.

After the interview, which should have been good, but left me feeling despondent, I wandered the city. I should have been enjoying the random lovely Spring day we were having but I couldn’t. I didn’t want to go home to my parents’ place either. I felt and feel utterly defeated.

Bawling as I walked from the bus stop, I invoked the universe. I said – I’ve had enough of all this suffering. I know I’m partly in control, but I don’t know the way out. I need your help, because I’m sick of this fucked up life I’ve led. Things are just getting worse and worse. So either help me get a job – any job – so I can try and make some changes – or just take me out. Kill me. Tonight. I’ve had enough and I want out of this shitheap of a life.

That’s how I’m feeling right now… if I was hit by a bus or died suddenly at the moment I would welcome it.

Don’t worry – I’m not about to do anything rash, but I’m haunted by these thoughts anyway. Its not very comfortable to be me at the moment.

I’m stuck in the maze of karma and nothing makes sense.

~Svasti