So much to say that there’s nothing to talk about

Tags

angsty, bones, freelance writing jobs, highlights reel, mirages, Parental Unit, tight-lipped wordless denials, unemployment, untethered, work, yoga teaching

‘Course, that’s not entirely true. And yet it is. But then, right now I’m either finding it hard to make time to write or I’m really just avoiding it in case I accidentally write something that I’d rather not let slip. Y’know how untethered the connection between the mind and typing fingers can get!

So consider this the highlights reel, and perhaps I’ll get around to filling some of these tidbits out in more detail. Sometime soon. Maybe!

There’s been… lots of anxiety lately. So many potential possibilities floating around, most of them little more than a mirage on closer inspection. I still don’t have a permanent job of any kind, but I have been working. Full-time and quite intensely. I’ve sort of possibly been offered a job where I am, but the work situation isn’t quite right. I can feel it in my bones. Yes, it’s been pointed out to me that the technically unemployed shouldn’t be too choosy. And yet… I’ve been there before. I know where that path leads, and how easily one’s heart can be overcome that way. Which is why I haven’t made any decisions there yet.

Also, unless I manage to land a couple of rather large freelance writing jobs in the next month (or find some other way to make some money), then I won’t be going on the retreat I’m meant to be attending. Even though this is the final year of seven years worth of training. This makes me feel very sad and a bit empty. I’ve missed my yoga family so much, and I haven’t seen my teacher now for two years. Of course I haven’t completely ruled out the possibility that things will somehow turn around. But really, I’ve no idea how that’s gonna happen. If you’ve got any ideas, feel free to let me know!

There’s been a recent encounter with the Parental Unit type people. And heck, if there’s anything I’m not writing about right now, it’s probably that. Hate to come across all angsty and stuff… and I would. Least, if I started writing about it all straightaway. Involving money, tight-lipped wordless denials and semi-conversations that didn’t really get as far as they might, but possibly as far as was practical anyways. Yeah…

Somehow, the volunteer yoga teaching thing has sort of ground to a halt. I mean, with the people just not turning up for the last couple of weeks. Who’d a thunk that giving away your time could be so difficult?!

But then, it looks like I’ll be teaching three paid classes next month, as relief for another teacher. And it’ll be an all-male class, comprised of personal trainers and chiropractors, bright and early in the pre-dawn morning. Am I feeling a little intimidated? Erm… yessss. So I’m going to join them this coming Friday to check out the class (Hatha/Vinyasa style) and assess how I’m going to teach these strong/fit men with limited flexibility. (**Note: This would be a good moment for you other yoga teacher types to chime in with thoughts on teaching all-guy classes**)

And there’s more. Of course. As always. I wish I was a little more disciplined in my writing, just making myself write anyway regardless of what’s going on. I have tried that but sometimes the results are a little pointless, and certainly not fit for blogging.

I’ll be back on track soon I hope. Once I stop feeling all cranky about everything in my life continuing to fall apart around me. Because on the flip side, I actually kinda like it when things fall apart. Call me crazy if you like. It’s all part and parcel of being one of Kali’s own. Well, I generally don’t mind as long as it’s not too inconvenient…

Seeya on the flip side, folks!

~ Svasti xo

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Three times the lesson (to make it stick)

Tags

Depression, fox hole, Global Financial Crisis, life lessons, Meditation, PTSD, Service, three times, unemployment, Yoga, yoga teacher training

I’ve temporarily re-entered the world of joblessness and I’ve been waiting for the crash. So much so, that I’ve been hiding out in my fox hole (hat tip, Nadine!) while I wait.

Although I was doing all sorts of yoga and meditation things last Saturday (including, it seems, being all teacher-ish without meaning to – by which I mean people seeking me out to ask me questions – and BOY is that a weird realisation! *more on this in another post*), on Sunday I spent almost the entire day reading in bed. I don’t think it was depression – more, taking advantage of having nothing to do on a VERY wintery and cold day. I didn’t have to be at work the next day so I felt entitled…

Well, sort of. I mean, I think I was possibly just waiting for things to turn ugly, and assumed crash position just in case.

Didn’t do much on Monday except for some yoga, and yesterday did a bit of temp work. There might be more coming next week. Also, had a pre-interview with a recruiter for a job that would be PERFECT for me, as I would be for it. Still… it’s a waiting game with multiple players and no definites. I do feel quite positive however, as though I’ve got a very good shot!

While I’ve had some moments of panic and fear, right now I’m just not in that space. This time around it simply doesn’t feel the same. Or more accurately, I don’t feel the same.

Although I’m without an income and within weeks, will have very little in my bank account (until things turn around!), somehow I’m not immersed in soul-crushing anxiety, panic attacks or the temptation to let my old companion Depression back in. Not just yet anyway.

That’s not to say that the big D hasn’t tried already.

Fortunately for me, I have other people to think about – my yoga students to-be! For whatever reason, I find it easier to be motivated if I’m doing something for others than myself. I know, it’s self-neglect, lack of self-worth etc. Still, it’s kind of helpful for me right now.

Also, I’ve been thinking quite a bit about this whole lack of work thing. In the last three years, I’ve now had three episodes of unemployment.

The first was when I quit my job working for a large corporate – somehow my PTSD and my job had become deeply enmeshed. I’d just begun therapy and I also needed to go to Thailand to continue my yoga studies. But my boss was playing hardball about giving me (unpaid!) leave.

So with the confluence of healing and change in my life, it felt like the right thing to do, and I jumped. Which REALLY upset my parents, despite my being old enough to decide what I’m doing with my life (hello, I’m in my 30’s!). Also, only a few friends outside my yoga community understood my actions. But that decision lit the (very healing) fires of change BIG TIME. It was vitally important.

When I came back from Thailand, the economic situation had changed drastically and it was suddenly not that easy to find a job. It took me two months and in the end, I accepted the first job offered to me (never a wise decision unless you’re sure you want it!).

That job was particularly terrible because of the people who worked there and the lies told about the job during the interview. Also, I’d only been there a month or so when a suppressed memory re-emerged and brought my PTSD symptoms back with a fury. I was already looking for another job in March of last year when the Global Financial Crisis caused my employers to make my role redundant. Ba-boom!

There began four months of desperately looking for another job. Any job. But with the GFC, it was hard to find even the odd bit of temp or freelance work. Luckily, I had a decent enough stash of money – thanks to three years of tax returns filed just a day before I learned I no longer had a job. Until I lost my job, I’d intended to use that money to pay off my debts, but that was not to be! *sigh*

Throughout all of this, I was battling my PTSD (and winning, I might add!), coping with a very nasty case of depression (which I eventually freed myself from) AND doing yoga teacher training. How weird is my life?!

Around mid-last year, I finally got some work , and have had two contract roles since then. But the company I’ve been working for is undergoing a merger, with redundancies to be made and all sorts of confusion. There was no room for thinking about re-engaging contractors right now. Which is really a shame because I enjoyed working there very much, and they liked me too.

So – three episodes of unemployment in three years. What’s with that? Especially in conjunction with all the healing work I’ve been doing and my ever-growing love affair with all things yoga. I’ve a few ideas…

First up – I think its part of the path I’m on, whatever my life is changing into. Years ago I remember writing an email to my Guru. I was desperate to know how I could really be of service to other people, but had no idea what that would look like. And I think all of the hardships, the physical and mental health issues, the lack of money and everything else… well, it allows me to empathise with others in a very real way. And I’ve already begun to experience just how powerful that can be when trying to reach someone…

One of the things I learned the first time I was jobless was that who I am as a person has nothing to do with the sort of job I have, how much money I make, or whether I even have a job. Whether I’m a yoga teacher, an accountant, an artist, a hairdresser, a receptionist or a garbage collector – is completely irrelevant. My job doesn’t make me a better or worse person. It is simply unimportant to the essence of what it is to be a human being, and yet so many people rely on their job for self-identification.

I’ve never been particularly attached to owning physical things, nor have I ever been a very consumer-focused type of person. I don’t own a house, a car, much money, many nice things and I kinda like it like that.

And yet, not having anything at all is SCARY. I haven’t been homeless (yet) but I’ve been very near penniless a couple of times now. And being without money makes it very clear how much power we’ve afforded the dollar in our world. It’s become a tool for building on our ego and delusions, and everything that separates us from who we really are. That said, it doesn’t have to be that way and a damn good way to learn that lesson is to have little or no money. 😉

There are more lessons and realisations than this. Lots more, and I’ll write about them soon. For now, I’ll just say what I wrote in an email to Nadine:

Somehow I have the feeling that everything is going to work out. I have no idea how, but just know that it will. Which makes no sense and I might be eating my words in a couple of weeks, but who knows? I have to stay open and just be with how things are. That was my biggest lesson from the hash I made of being unemployed last year. 🙂

Lots of love to you all out there!

~Svasti xo

Nothing is wrong

Tags

Change, Dancing, Depression, Exhibit A, Fear, good luck fairies, grasping, inner yogi, lila, Meditation, nothing is wrong, Panic, perceived indestructibility, preferences, Sanskrit, thin-cold fingers, uncertain, unemployment, winter solstice, wrongness, Yoga

Middle of the year and all, only days from the winter solstice (in the southern hemisphere!) and there’s a heck of a lot of shifting going on.

In fact, there always is, right? It’s just that we tend not to notice so much when it doesn’t affect us personally.

Unless of course, you take up yoga, meditation or dancing or some other kind of activity that helps us uncover our sensitivity and connection to the world. Even then, it can be a little hit and miss, depending on how self-involved we are on any given day.

And even then, only if we learn to divest ourselves of attachments to this interaction of interconnected energies. The thing we call life. Because it’s the attachment to emotions, the rules of the game, our form and/or how we perceive others are perceiving us (for example), that keep us tethered to the rule book.

In Sanskrit, the word lila is used to describe life, but it actually translates back into English as ‘play’. The play of life.

Been getting a little freaked out in the last couple of weeks because the contract job I’m doing right now is finishing up at the end of the month. On the 25th to be exact. No extensions are being offered because the company is itself, going through a bunch of transformations.

Like unwelcome acupressure applied directly to the heart, I can taste just a hint of panic rising as the days of June tick by.

My freak out isn’t so much about things ending, as the reasonable possibility that I’ll be out of a job. Again. With two weeks to go, I still don’t have a job, or any interviews lined up. And yes, I’ve been doing everything I can!

And the soul-crippling depression and fear I experienced last year during four months of unemployment is attempting to creep its way back into the pit of my stomach like thin-cold fingers of smoke, grasping at my throat and whispering horror stories from back then.

Of course, I’m talking to a bunch of recruiters and have a several leads to follow up. But nothing is definite yet. Although, as I said to a recruiter I spoke to the other day – when is any job ever definite or secure?

Regardless, a dozen plans have taken up residence in my mind, attempting to allay any potential panic but actually, has led to a great deal of thrashing around as a result. Not so helpful!

But I’m waging a war against such uncertainties, because certainty really is so entirely uncertain. Is it not? We’d like to pretend otherwise, but our fragility and mortality are much closer to the edge of our perceived indestructibility than we think.

Clarity came again one night about a week ago as I took in a sweeping panoramic view of my life as it stands. I calculated how quickly I’ll run out of money this time around (really soon!) if I don’t get a job in a hurry. And considered how I might possibly avoid falling into the same black pit as last time.

But all of these thoughts were based on the premise that something in my life was wrong. Until that moment, I was pretty convinced of the wrongness of not having a job, wielding last year’s experience as Exhibit A. Those four months of unemployment were bad, according to the judgemental little voice in my mind.

Luckily, that judge-voice isn’t the only one speaking provocative ideas inside my head! The next question (proposed I think, by my inner yogi self) was: But what if nothing is really wrong at all?

It went on: The upset we feel when things go “wrong” is often more disturbing than the perceived wrongness itself. And we combine it with the situation we’ve proclaimed as wrong or bad, creating a seemingly insurmountable wall of stress. But really, is anything actually wrong?

For now, I’ve come down on the side of my inner yogi.

Nothing is inherently wrong, regardless of my preferences. Even if I don’t get a job again for months, and even if that means I can’t go on retreat in October (as per my current plans). Even if I have to get a flatmate or move out of my current place and sell most of my possessions. Even if I end up homeless, there’s still not actually anything wrong. It’s just life in action, and my response to those things is something I’m in charge of.

That doesn’t mean I won’t do everything I can to get a job. Of course I will!

My inner yogi wanted to know this, too: Can I apply this idea to any situation? To the BP oil spill? To the death of a child? To natural disasters? To the two year old child in Indonesia addicted to smoking?

Perhaps. I think it’s more truthful to admit that I’m not there yet, but working on it!

To say that nothing is inherently wrong doesn’t mean we don’t care when life gets shitty. We don’t stop participating in life. But we do learn to see the greater interplay of existence. The flow and play of life.

And this blog post represents my attempt to relax into that flow and accept whatever is coming my way, responding appropriately but doing everything I can to avoid falling into a pit of despair should life not go the way I want it to…

~Svasti

P.S. If you find any good luck fairies, please send them my way, stat! 😉

Gotta new job!

Tags

Anxiety, education, good things, new job, pronto, public service, relief, snail's pace, unemployment

There’s a lot of relief flowing ’round the ever expanding Svasti-world right now. (Read the title of this post for a clue why)…

Yeah. Phew!

In June this year, I took a contract job that I wasn’t particularly happy about on account of the fact that it’s a big corporate giant that owns the company I worked for last year, just before I quit and went to Thailand. Not to mention the pay was pretty average, the contract written heavily in favour of the company (they could call an end to the contract any time without notice). But it was that, or continued unemployment.

And considering I was out of a job for roughly four months prior to this job offer, I wasn’t in a position to say no.

So I took it, with reservations… someone I used to work with once made me promise to never work for this company, but such things mean little when you’re wondering how you’ll pay rent next month. I also had the words of a Vedic astrologer ringing in my ears from a reading two years ago… something about a karmic debt still owed to my employer.

Really, it’s been a bit of a mixed blessing.

The good: a regular pay check; nice people; not being homeless; a non-stressful work environment. Well, sorta.

The bad: anxiety (due to nature of contract); the corporate environment I’d tried so hard to escape; the lack of actual work to do.

Seriously.

Y’know, when I’ve needed to hire a contractor myself in the past, it’s usually because there is too much work to do and we need help, pronto.

But not this job. I’ve never actually figured out why they decided they needed to hire me. They just did, and I’ve really only done little pieces of work (they call them projects, but I’d describe them as small tasks) here and there.

Some people might think it’s cool to get paid to sit on your butt all day and do almost no work. For me, it’s kinda okay for a short period of time. But not for months on end.

I don’t know  how people work here permanently and do it for a much longer timeframe!

In a way it’s been kind of a blessing, too. I mean a job where I have almost no work to do? Giving me time to read blogs and write and no one gives a damn?

I suppose it’s been nice having time to get my head together as I’ve worked to shrug off depression.

But then there’s my work ethic, sense of pride in my work, and the endless hours of utter boredom to contend with!

Not to mention the anxiety I felt for a couple of months there. I mean… there I was on a contract that could be terminated with no notice. None! And there wasn’t enough work to keep me busy all day, every day. So I was waiting to be told they’d worked out they didn’t need me there any more.

Eventually, one of my work mates told me that pretty much EVERYONE in the team is in the same boat. Either there’s a stream of last minute/short run ‘project’s or there’s nothing to do. And that it was extremely unlikely they’d end my contract early.

Okay… but I was still bored and felt like I was losing my edge, so to speak. I could feel my brains turning to mush and seeping out my ears. Welcome to an ex-public service company, apparently!

Probably, I shouldn’t confess this. But, here goes! Look, things got so bad there for a while, with no motivation to go to work and do nothing all day, that one particular Monday I simply didn’t show up. And I didn’t ring. I was kinda testing to see if anyone noticed. AND THEY DIDN’T!! Seriously.

I was also worried about my résumé. There’s not a heck of a lot I can say about my time here, and very little that I can point to and say: This is what I achieved. Which bothers me, and my work ethic!

Also, I have a wide range of skills that are just sitting idly by in this job. In fact, its a job I can do with my eyes closed (when there’s actual work to do).

Anyways, the contract end-date was early December, and that brought on a whole different kind of anxiety: Potential unemployment through December/January!!

So for months I’ve been slogging away, trying to find another job. I’ve been to a bunch of interviews. There were a couple of near misses. Each passing week meant more anxiety… here comes unemployment again, here it comes, here it… THEN one of my recruitment contacts called me.

That call resulted in a new contract job offer. HOORAY! Which keeps me employed til end-June next year. Maybe longer, potentially.

But the best thing is that it’s a job working in my industry (digital media) on something that’s actually worthwhile for once: Education.

The company I’m going to work for is a government initiative delivering digital/online education resources for primary and high schools throughout Australia and New Zealand.

My role will be as a Digital Project Manager… pretty much what I do anyway, just with a different title. Which is cool. And they are paying me a proper contract rate. And I’ve had three endorsements to date that my new workplace is good.

So I’m excited!!

I start my new job on Monday. Which means I have approximately one day and three hours to go (at the time of writing) here in my current job… where the people are nice, but mostly a little incompetent… where the pace of doing things equals a snail’s.

Also, the other cool thing that happened recently was the re-signing of the lease on my apartment. I fully expected some kind of rent increase, but nope! The last place I leased before going to Thailand was quite maniacal about upping the rent. Not so much with my current place.

I suppose none of this is particularly unusual news. It’s just that I’d kind of gotten out of the habit of expecting good things to happen. Really.

Is it any coincidence that as I’m healing and growing stronger, other aspects of my life are improving, too? I think not!

~Svasti