Public Declaration of Excellently Awesome Future Life Plans

Tags

Adventure, be in the world., debt free, finances, goals, good health, Guru, Haiti, holidays, India, manifesto, Public Declaration of Excellently Awesome Future Life Plans, Relax, Retreat, see things, service work, study, teaching, touchstone, Travel, Universe, wander about, Writing, Yoga

Been meaning to write this one up for a while now.

Have you noticed how darn freakin’ hard it can be to keep your eyes on your goals when they’re not immediately in front of you? When there are no set dates or schedules? Even worse, when you’re working like a demon to get to even the first marker and more obstacles appear? Yeah, me too. That’s pretty much been 2011 for me.

It can be handy to write up your plans and have them all in one place. So this post is exactly that – a manifesto of my Excellently Awesome Future Life Plans.

All in public and centralised, and a touchstone for me to revisit whenever I forget what I’m working towards. Also, it’s a bit like putting an advance order in to the Universe.

So here it is…*

Short term

• Get a well-paying permanent or longer-term contract job (6-12 months) to keep me financially afloat.
• Be employed before, during and after the end of my current contract (end-November ’11).
• Take my birthday holiday trip in December. Have a blast, meet new people and RELAX.
• Work on reducing my physical possessions – sell stuff or give it away. Hold a garage sale?

Medium term

• Successfully wean myself off thyroid medication, with the assistance of kinesiology, diet, de-stressing, yoga and other exercise.
• Get a clean bill of health for my thyroid once I’m off medication.
• Write a complete first draft of the children’s book that’s banging around my brain. (It currently sends me messages like: WRITE ME, BIATCH).
• Find someone to illustrate my children’s book and collaborate on the work.
• Reverse my thyroid-induced weight gain. – HAPPENING!
• Pay off all of my debts completely.
• Start saving a whole bunch of money for my Big Overseas Adventure!
• Gain my English as a Second Language (ESL) teaching certificate.
• Keep reducing amount of physical possessions to those things that are necessary for functional and/or emotional/spiritual/sanity purposes.
• Get travel shots.

Longer term

• Find a publisher who wants to publish my book and pay me money for it!
• Once I’ve saved up a whole bunch of money for my Big Overseas Adventure, buy an around the world plane ticket. Get necessary visas and insurance. UPDATE 17/3/2013: For now, I’m not taking a ’round the world trip, just a two month sabbatical to India (currently in progress!)
• Quit my job. WOOP! WOOP!
• This one is sad. :( Find an excellent new home for Miss Cleo the cat. My beautiful girl. UPDATE 17/3/2013: Since I’m not going overseas indefinitely, I just have a house/cat sitter instead!
• Sell all possessions I don’t want to keep. Box up what’s left to put in storage.
• Make all necessary plans and farewells. Then GET ON PLANE!!
• First stop: India, for panca karma, studying at KYM and Satyananda Ashram. Wander about. See things. Be in the world.
• Second stop: find wherever my Guru is in the world and spend some time with him, still studying yoga (referring to the complete idea of yoga here – philosophy, meditation, asana, pranayama, mudra, bandha).
• Third stop: spend some time in retreat.
• Other stops: maybe visit friends in the UK and US. Do some volunteer work in Haiti. Wander about. See things. Be in the world.
• Maintain and increase my good health, thyroid or otherwise.

Even longer term…

Now I’m getting into very speculative territory. But here’s a lifestyle that could make me happy:

• Settle down somewhere in Asia. Maybe Thailand or somewhere nearby. Somewhere beautiful.
• Get a job teaching yoga, perhaps at some swanky retreat centre.
• Perhaps get another job teaching ESL.
• Write more children’s books and/or other types of books.
• Maybe also do some freelance writing for various websites.
• Combine all of the above with doing service work of some kind, preferably working with children or women at risk. People who need love.
• Maybe other things. Probably LOTS of other things. But the point is to be doing work that I love and that makes me happy.
• Maintain and increase my good health, thyroid or otherwise.
• Live a life I can’t even imagine right now. A really, really GREAT one.

Somewhere in this process…

I dare to dream that this future also includes personal, romantic love. As in a partner. It’s been a long time, but I think I’m finally ready to open my heart again. For someone who gets me, and vice versa. Someone who has a good heart and thrives on the kind of life I’ve described above, just as much as I do. Someone who isn’t afraid of change, growth and learning new things. Someone who knows who they are and isn’t afraid to challenge themselves or me. Who is passionate and knows how to make me laugh. Side note: someone who is preferably taller than my 5’10½” because I dig a tall guy.

So there we have it. My Public Declaration of Excellently Awesome Future Life Plans.

For a long time, I didn’t have any plans or dreams. I didn’t make any and couldn’t even imagine a time in my life where I’d be happy and doing what I wanted to be doing. Things are different now. I’m on my way, y’all!**

Of course, the Universe will have a say in how things pan out. But assuming the Universe agrees, this is what I’ll be doing.

~ Svasti

* This post will get updated as things change!

** Being on my way doesn’t mean I assume everything is gonna go off without a hitch or be problem-free. That’d be foolish-thinking. But I’m down with a somewhat bumpy journey, as long as I can still achieve my goals.

#reverb10 – Yes, I’m beautifully different

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#reverb10, Amazon, Amazonian-built yogi, beautifully different, differentness, existence, God, hour glass figure, Kali, Kinesiology, Mother Earth, mundane, overlay of otherness, physical presence, physique, practical world, quirkiness, Shiva, swimmers shoulders, Universe, Yoga teacher

Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.
~ December 8 prompt

For everything about me that’s the same as someone else, there’s a bunch of things that aren’t. I mean, we all have the same experience of being alive to a certain extent, but its how we process, interpret and consider those experiences that create a sense of differentness.

Ultimately of course, that’s all just cosmetic if you buy into the idea (and I do) that we’re all part of the same creative intelligent force (e.g. God, Shiva, Kali, Allah, Mother Earth etc) that causes the world and universe to exist.

As I like to say: God’s in everything, even the damn toaster. But then, in this conditioned experience of existence, I’m definitely NOT the toaster. Right? Oh geez, I hope not!

So yes, there are things about me that are different to most. Here’s a sampler for ya!

My body

At 5’10.5”, broad swimmers shoulders, an hour glass figure and just… generally bigger than most – I stick out. It’s something I’ve railed against for most of my life and it even came up in my most recent kinesiology session. I want to accept that my body will never blend in with the crowd, but it’s a tough gig.

Recently I commented over at Curvy Yoga: We who do not match up with the oft-projected image of how women should look need to take counsel amongst our own, and find role models that demonstrate positive acceptance of our shape and size.

I cannot change my height, the breadth or width of my ribcage, or the width of my shoulders. All of these things make me larger than the average woman. As one of my exes once said “you’re the same proportions of most other women, but just magnified”.

I am an Amazon. No matter how much I diet, even at my thinnest healthy weight, this is always the case. Being different like that is difficult in so many ways, and the best way to learn acceptance is to start being positive about myself and others who fall into that category.

That same ex once said that he was amazed to notice how people make way for me when I enter a room. I’ve been told I have a strong physical presence and I guess that’s a good thing although it’s hard to accept when for so much of my life, people have pointed and stared, sometimes even groped.

My non-typical yoga teacher physique

Following on from that, I really like demonstrating that yoga isn’t just for the waif-thin and uber-flexible (although I guess I AM pretty flexible).

There’s no criteria for being a yoga teacher other than your love of yoga, dedication and desire to share what you know. It’s not about how you look and never should be – not for the students or the teacher.

A by-product of yoga is the increase in suppleness, flexibility and strength. And okay, your body might start looking better than it has. BUT there’s no magic recipe.

So I’m doing my bit as an Amazonian-built yogi!

Quirkiness

There’s a general quirkiness to me that you might not pick up on first viewing. Amazonian-ness aside, I look pretty normal!

What are you doing, one of my yoga students asked me as I stood outside before class.

Oh, just talking to the birds in the trees. I’ll talk to any animal really… we both giggled.

As long as you don’t expect them to talk back, she offered. I wisely held my tongue! ;)

Look, I live in the practical world as much as I can but there’s ever an overlay of otherness for me. I smell, hear, see and feel it. Call me crazy if you like, but I’ll talk to that tree over there. I’ll have a conversation with the rain and I’ll make a decision about what I’m teaching in a yoga class based on the vibe I get from the air.

This quirk-streak colours my view of the world and consequently feeds my writing and the words I choose, my yoga, the way I ride my bike and the things I make for my nieces.

But actually, I suspect all creative types have their own kind of overlay on the mundane, fueling their vision and creations. Otherwise, where else does it come from?

Really, that’s just a sample of my own personal brand of madness. There’s much more for people to discover if they dare!

Now, tell me some of the ways in which YOU are beautifully different… I dare ya!

~Svasti xo

P.S. You might notice I’m in catch-up mode right now for #reverb10… I’ve got a few more posts a-coming and I’ll try to keep them snappier. :D

Branches vs roots

Tags

Anxiety, Bad Old Days, branches, Change, clarity, cloud of doom, Confusion, Courage, dread, Expunged, Fear, gunk, Kinesiology, Nourishment, Panic, peace, Purged, remnants, roots, routed, self-honesty, source, That Which Has Been, Universe, wading boots

This entire universe and everything it contains comes from the same place. This I believe unreservedly.

Our roots are common, but it’s difficult to keep that in mind when you think of yourself as one of the branches somewhere at the top of the tree, far removed from the root system even as it ultimately provides the nourishment we need to exist.

We forget, and find it hard to identify with the whole tree, let alone the source of life that animates us. And we think that if we lose all or part of a branch or twig that we associate with ourselves, it’s a catastrophe. That life as we know it is over…

We get stressed, freaked out and whatever other reactions seem appropriate at the time. But this is just change. And our response to change is only as severe as our association with those things that are a-changing. To feel better, we have to learn to let go.

This concept can be applied to our lives at all kinds of macro and micro levels. Easier said than done sometimes, however!

And I’m reminding myself of this quite purposefully today as I prepare for this evening’s appointment with Kerry from Awaken Kinesiology.

I made the booking last month when I realised I was having some sort of intense energetic response to my five year anniversary. Because I want the remnants of all that gunk routed. Purged. Expunged. So bring it on!!

However, my body has other ideas and is bestowing a rather visceral response in anticipation of this appointment: fear in my belly, anxiety in my heart, confusion and panic in my mind (making things all cloudy and fluffy).

Seems crazy, this little cloud of doom I’m sporting on this gloriously blue-skied and sunny Spring day. The sunshine is matter of fact and reminds me that everything is going to be just fine. Yet, this morning I had to drag my sorry ass out of bed, like the Bad Old Days.

I know it’s all good and I WANT this for myself. Clearly though, there’s more than a few bits and pieces quietly haunting my insides. I function pretty normally now (whatever that means!) compared to how things have been. And maybe for some people that’d be enough. But it’s not enough for me, not by half.

So I’m pulling on my wading boots to trek through the muck. Time for another clean up, you see.

And it has to be done, despite the physical experience of dread that accompanies such ventures. This post is by way of gathering a little courage and exposing what’s going on in my body and mind for what it is: fear of change, even if that change is for the good.

I’m not just the branches, I’m the roots too. Especially the roots!

So here’s to more clarity, self-honesty, peace and freedom from the corset-like confines of That Which Has Been.

And here’s to a little more peace for y’all on this lovely day, too.

Om Shanti!

~Svasti xo

Yoga, Grace and time out

Tags

Asana, bones, Dagnabbit, dancing dust motes, Dyson, fox hole, freelance, Grace, herbs in the window, Lululemon, marmas, mirages, mission-critical, new things, remedial massage, security blanket, Shadow Yoga, substitute teaching, Tara Stiles, time out, Universe, Yoga, Yoga In Daily Life, yoga teaching

Just to be a touch more specific (as opposed to my previous post), here’s one of those New Things I hinted at but with a few more details this time.

Well, it’s a new-old thing really: last Friday I finished up a five week stint of freelance work. Originally it was meant to be only two weeks. And when I started at the very end of July, I had several seemingly decent options for more permanent/long term work.

I was even verballed: “We definitely want you, you’re the right person for the job!”

Uh huh.

But as the freelance work was extended, the other offers evaporated in ways most surprising. From one angle they looked very solid and convincing but shifting to the side a little,  seems they were nothing but dancing dust motes glistening in the sunlight. I’d tell you how it all went down but y’know, the upshot is that those so-called possible jobs weren’t real.

It was weird, and not weird. I mean, before going into some of those interviews I KNEW already that they weren’t gonna work out. In one instance, I looked into the face of one of the people interviewing me and thought: This is a very angry man and I wouldn’t care to work for him. In yet another, I realised even as I was doing my best to spruik my skills, I knew I didn’t want to work there.

So what was wrong with these people and places? Probably nothing. I think it has more to do with me (and more on that soon, too)…

Meanwhile, I was totally rocking the freelance job. Possibly because the actual work involved was stuff I’d mastered long ago so it wasn’t challenging. Not that that matters for freelance work, and still, I LOVE making stuff in the digital space. The people were nice, and it was a twenty-minute cycle from my place when the traffic was heavy. Fifteen minutes on a good day!

Even at this job however, there were mirages… people sniffing around to see if they could hire me. The only problem was that the job that was available was the one I was doing for them already. Which means that basically I would’ve been ridiculously bored within a few months. So, not ideal…

Then last Wednesday I was unexpectedly told that Friday would be my last day. They’d found someone for the role who was more “mid-weight” in their experience (and presumably not costing them as much as I did). And that was that… I was out of there. The way of the world in the freelance space!

So I’m once again faced with joblessness. And I know that a couple of you have outrageously suggested that perhaps this is all a sign to move on to a New Path! Yes, yes… I get that! And I get that from the Universe as well, who is being rather persistent in Her attempts to push me towards New Things, too.

Dagnabbit!

So, on top of the substitute teaching I’m doing with the blokey yogis (last week’s class didn’t happen BTW, because too many of them were away but we’re soooo ON for this Friday), I’ve also scored another subbing gig. This is a one-off for now, but in general I’m on their books!

And it’s all thanks to the wonderful Sevapuri (@yidl), who I became friends with via Twitter. We met up a few months back when he was in Melbourne (from Sydney) for dinner and a chat about all things yoga. Recently, he kindly suggested me as a sub to the Melbourne Yoga In Daily Life school.

So last Saturday I sat in on the class I’ll be teaching (a very easy/general level class) and got the run down on turning lights and heaters on and off etc. As it turns out, this week I’ll be teaching a Hatha/Vinyasa blokes class on Friday (very early in the morning!), followed by a super-gentle/traditional Hatha class mid-morning on Saturday. Quite a nice balance really.

And… I do hear you, Universe. I do. I get that I’m meant to do more yoga teaching. BUT I need you to understand that right now, just teaching a few classes here and there isn’t gonna pay my rent. So I’d appreciate a little leeway and I’d ESPECIALLY appreciate a semi-long term/more permanent job in the interim. Yeah?

If we can get that happening, then I promise that I’ll step up my plans for yoga teaching!

In fact, I’ve already started. Last Saturday on my way back from the Yoga In Daily Life school, I dropped in at Lululemon to inquire about running classes there. I’m now on their yoga teacher list!

Also, after thinking about it for months, today I finally took down the number of a church hall round the corner from my place. I’m gonna call them and see what they charge to rent out their space. There’s also a PCYC just down the road from me I’ll be getting in touch with, too.

Truthfully, I’ve been quite afraid of taking on yoga teaching properly. For reasons I might explore in another post sometime!

But then in light of the whole Tara-Stiles-fat-burning-yoga/hey-yoga-is-anything-we-want-it-to-be saga… well, I’m feeling more confident in what I have to offer. I mean, I know there’s this whole new skill I’m learning (called teaching other people!!), but my knowledge of yoga and years of training means that yeah, I’m pretty sure I’ve already got something to share.

In some ways I still consider myself a beginner in terms of my yoga studies. Okay, perhaps I’m a little more than a beginner, but there’s still SO MUCH I don’t know! But hey, if something I’ve learned in the past nine or so years can provide inspiration, an opening, some joy etc, to others, then whoohoo!

Right…

I made very good use of today, my first day of not having a job again. I can’t quite believe it, but I did something incredibly domestic (and much needed): took my Dyson vacuum cleaner in for a service. There’s one service center in Melbourne, and it’s only open 9-5 Monday-Friday. Of course! So heck yeah, why not use my time off to sort out such ridiculous things, eh?

Then after a rather mission-critical (i.e. no food in house) grocery shop, I ate lunch at a delightful little cafe near my place, where the above photo was taken. Don’t you just love the herbs in the window? I was drawn to them, and sat at the bench there to eat a most flavoursome minestrone.

For the afternoon, I’d booked a remedial massage for that pesky shoulder of mine. It is getting better BTW, slowly but surely with a combination of yoga, physio, massage, and probably some acupuncture thrown in soon, too. It’s still rather painful, but I’m able to do much more yogasana than I could earlier this year. Which is a win! Things like Catuspadapitham (table top) have been beyond my pain threshold until recently. As has Sarvangasana (shoulder stand) and Chakrasana (wheel) to name but a few. Now these movements are slowly coming back!

And then, oh… more Shadow Yoga this evening. Goodness but I LOVE that practice! Although I haven’t mastered the series yet (ha! suspect mastery is a while off still), I’m quite amazed at how much stronger I am and how much less I fall over/out of the asana. Interestingly though, none of this strength comes from stronger muscles as such… it’s more about the mind and the bones.

Incidentally, Shadow Yoga is only the third time I’ve ever heard anyone talk about moving from the bones in relation to asana. The first person was my Guru. Our retreat in Bali about four years ago was focused on asana and we had many discussions about awareness of and movement from the bones. I don’t think I understood it all properly then! Linda has also spoken about bones, and about her teacher Paul Grilley’s work in the area.

And now with Shadow Yoga, there’s always a discussion on various marmas and bones, as well as the breath (but of course). Actually, it’s probably time I added another Shadow-specific post here…

So that was my day. Basically, I’ve decided to embrace my time out while continuing to look for more work. But in the mean time, I’m also considering how to diversify my income through teaching more yoga classes, freelance writing and who knows what else!

The first time I was out of work for a long period of time was last year and I pretty much fell to pieces (admittedly I WAS still in the deathly grip of depression!). The second time was July. ALL of July really! And I did better then, but still, I spent most of my time holed up in my fox hole. Still a bit afraid and unsure of what to do with myself. This time I’m pretty sure I know what I need to do.

So I am listening, Ma. I am. Just please don’t whip away all of my security blankets/support too quickly! Thanks ever-so-much…

~Svasti

Ruby slippered steps

Tags

Adventures, bliss, castles, Fear, Grace, impenetrability, opportunity, Poem, Poetry, ponderously, potentiality, Probable Cause, Twitter, Universe

‘Round the ends of the universe

And back (again)

Enfolded in blissful possibilities

Of adoration and

Great big shining opportunities

So melts the Castle

Of Impenetrability

Because all things have a Time

And a Place

~ Potentiality ~

Now just looking

For Probable Cause

It MUST be Real

Requiring bone-deep

Introspection

Deeper, even

Now to discover

That first ruby slippered step!

(That is my current plan…)

~Svasti

(A little late-night Twitter-composed poetry, while lying in bed PONDEROUSLY attempting bravery to figure stuff out.)

Breaking News: Universe needs new writers

Tags

American Pie, arm wrestle, buskers, cajole, morse code, oasis, story arc, synopsis, ten feet waves, The Amazing Race, TTFN, Universe, weird symbolism

You tic. I tack. You tease. I cajole. You shower me with a multitude of mirage-like oases. I try hard not to believe what I’m seeing, even though I secretly want to…

Wait, is this a dance? Coz if so, no one emailed me a YouTube video of the steps. I wasn’t assigned a super-hot Latin hunk to help me work it out, either. No matter how you look at it, it’s a bit of a screw up on your behalf, isn’t it? So forgive me if I’m a little pissed and just… befuddled. Fuck. I hate playing catch up!

For years, I had those dreams where I’m trying desperately to learn my lines but never quite manage it (still have ‘em sometimes, even now). I’m reading the script or whatever, filling in for someone at the last minute. Cut scene, and I’m on stage in make up and costume. The audience has arrived and I have NO idea what to say next.

And I really, really hate that. Because I’m a professional, damnit! And in real life when on-stage, I always know my lines and choreography.

Anyway, just thought I should tell you that I’m having a real hard time working out which parts are legit.

And it shits me that only occasionally do I get hints of how it’ll all play out. This is worse than watching Lost for six years (not that I did that either, but you know what I mean, right?). I’d just like to see a path of some kind, even if the terrain gets rough with mountains, potholes and bush fires. That’d all be okay with me, as long as I have some idea of where I’m headed…

Instead, seems it’s more like an ocean with semi-permanent ten feet waves coming off a gigantic wave machine (just to keep ‘em coming with regularity of some kind). I only ever glimpse parts of the sky, the horizon and even what’s nearby, in small chocolate-covered nuggets of time. Occasionally I’ll get to coast to the top of one of those waves and I think Ahhh! Which is fine. Even the terrifying slide back down is okay. If only it wasn’t happening all the damn time…

To be clear: What I’m saying is that I really don’t understand the morse code, okay? It’s just a tad on the uber-cryptic side and it is getting TIRING.

So a little more straight talk and a lot less with the weird symbolism if you don’t mind. It’d help me to help you. And I think we’d both like that, yeah?

It’s not that I’m asking the big WHY questions. Just… c’mon already, gimme a better view for a bit.

Then, perhaps I’m asking for the wrong things. Or, maybe it’s that I’m in the wrong place? The wrong time? I’ve no clue and apparently you aren’t about to hand me a synopsis (which kinda blows).

Really though, what’s it gonna be?

Why is it when I give a handful of coins to a man in a wheelchair sweetly crooning American Pie while his buddy plays guitar (not that I can afford to be giving away money right now, with the no income and all but hey, they made me smile and it seemed appropriate), that I feel like I’m doing something right? But that’s all I get. No other hints, nothing laid out. No clear marker pointing out the direction I need to head towards next.

I mean, I get that this isn’t The Amazing Race. But geez, you sure could stand to take a few tips from those guys on how to keep things moving along at a pace that doesn’t resemble a snail’s.

To my credit – I improvise, working with what I’m given as best I can. I’m putting in the hard yards! I try to stay cool with it all, even though I feel like things have gotten way off-course.

But I reckon I’m not the only one that’s questioning my motivation here. I mean, why on earth would this Svasti character keep plodding along when nothing seems to be going anywhere? None of the sub-plots are making sense and the story arc is barely coherent anymore. Let’s not even talk about consistency or continuity, okay?

Coz if we do, we’ll either have to get really stinking drunk or have the world’s most serious arm wrestle – to the death, of course. Or possibly both!

Maybe Universe, just MAYBE… you need to sack your production team and get some new writers in.

Just sayin’, okay? TTFN!

~Svasti

(P.S. This post was written under the influence of extreme frustration and should possibly be disregarded in its entirety.)

Kiss and make up

Tags

guardian angel, intergalactical telegrams, Love, Ma, ranty, reassurance, Synchronicity, Universe, Yoga, yoga teaching

Ahem!

After my little rant the other day, seems the Universe is doing its darndest to get me a message – even if the lines of communication are still a little fuzzy.

Reading intergalactical telegrams is tricky, after all! Got a feeling though, the message goes something like this:

So very deeply sorry for the miscommunication! I/We (note: how DOES the Universe refer to Itself?) know things between us have been a little strained of late. There’s some distance there I don’t really like and I know you don’t either. But let’s work on it together. And hey, don’t worry, I’m working on things for you. Okay? Much love! Mwaaah! xxx

Hmmm. So you might be wondering why on earth I would be thinking this, eh?

Well! Almost directly after publishing that ranty-ranty post, my phone started ringing off the hook.

No, I still don’t have a job and I still don’t have any immediate income. But I DO have an interview lined up for Monday, and expect to hear about another interview very soon. AND I have one for the following Monday. Also, two calls about some potential short term work in the meanwhile. It’s still all a little uncertain but hey, it’s a bucket-load better than how things have been, that’s for sure!

Plus, I had another woman ring me on the same day, all very determined sounding, to tell me she’d DEFINTELY (her emphasis, not mine) be there at my yoga class this Saturday. She told me she’d wanted to come last week but couldn’t make it but WOULD be there this week.

A friend of mine (the only one to come to any of my practice yoga teaching sessions at the end of last year) is a novice yogi and has also offered to come along to pad out the numbers, too. Which works for me as I plan to break things down quite a bit and hey, even if I only have her to teach, that’s better than nothing, right?

Today I met with a recruiter who was about to send me to an interview with the same company I’ve already scored an interview with on Monday. Gotta love a little synchronicity for reassurance, not that it’s any guarantee I’ll get the job, of course!

Then, on the way home, I got a call from a woman who wants to bring four kids from a drug and alcohol rehab facility to my class (with their carer). Four?!

I’ll be thrilled to see them there! I was almost frothing at the mouth with excitement (teehee!). And even if only one of those kids turn up, plus the woman who rang yesterday and my friend… then yeah, it’ll be super-awesome, no matter how the class plays out.

So I’m feeling a bit relieved but also… got this strange kind of surge of energy and it seems like I can almost feel it. Touch it.

Call such things your guardian angel, the presence of Ma, the Universe… an intelligent energy that’s bigger than me but also is me, and everyone/everything else out there. Feels a bit like being kissed on the cheek. Reassuring. Encouraging. Close. Sorta like someone’s whispering in my ear to hang in there, things are on the way but not here just yet. That I AM on the right path, and to keep on moving.

Lying on the couch to do a bit of reading just before, I suddenly felt this sense of reaching out, of love, of movement…

Things are not completely back on track yet. Of course. That’d be too much like a one hour television show that has to tidy up all the loose endings before the end of each episode. And as we know, real life just never really happens like that (at least not in my experience)!

But I almost feel like I can  touch the coming changes (and OH YES, they are coming!), in a way that’s been almost completely inaccessible for a long while now.

Then… another possibility is that I’m just completely delusional, hahaha! I guess that’s very a reasonable alternative.

And we shall just have to wait and see, right?

~Svasti (slightly mollified and not quite as pissed off)

So what’s next, Universe? I don’t hear you so well these days…

Tags

AC joint, faintly drawn shadows, half-life, Happy Hour, Healing, leather couches, life raft, physio, pranayama, rehab, Shiraz, travelling gypsy insanity, Universe, Yoga teacher

Skewers of pain – the size and shape of knitting needles – seared the bones, joints and soft tissues of my shoulder, as I barely succeeded in not swearing at and/or punching my physio in the face. He left the AC joint alone last night and worked some other areas that clearly needed it… and yeah I know, rehab is a perfect opportunity to apply pranayama to the ‘real world’, although it actually isn’t such a peaceful experience when you’re being excruciatingly assaulted like that. Even if it is voluntary and part of the healing process. Yikes!!!

About the only thing I could think to do next was order a Happy Hour $2 glass of tasty Shiraz at the teensy little bar (which looks like it belongs in Europe and not downtown Prahran) with the fabulously quirky music, just half a block down the street. I wandered into its miniscule back room clutching my wine glass and a trashy escapist novel to sit in the booth with the red lighting and leather couches. Really, I just wish I knew what the heck the universe had in store for me other than this.

This… strange half-life I seem to be living. Alive, awake, mostly taking care of myself, socialising with people without really having a lot of close friends (at least not locally). Sometimes working and sometimes not. Almost a yoga teacher, but even that isn’t going to come easily, apparently (see below).

And then, some weird teasingly curious possibility. One that might not even come to pass. Yet there it is, whispering of its own strange potentiality from the other side of the world. Might as well be in another galaxy, really. Of course, it’s not even a definitely maybe situation. Only a possibly maybe one. And I don’t let myself hope (not yet), because it sounds vaguely like something I might really like and I’m superstitious like that. But more on that ONLY if anything actually comes into being beyond the current faintly drawn shadows.

It could mean more adventure, more change, more travelling gypsy insanity (which seems to sit very well with my constitution even if there’s a part of me that really wouldn’t mind settling down. Because another part of me just wriggles and laughs hysterically at the very idea!).

But the truth is, I don’t know! I can’t seem to make proper sense of my life, even though sometimes I feel like I’m heading in the right direction. I feel like I lost the really strong connection to my life’s path many years ago, and now I’m having trouble receiving those memos. Okay, sometimes they’re crystal clear and others… well, I feel like I’m on a life raft in the middle of an ocean and not even a speck of land in sight.

Perhaps that’s just where I’m meant to be right now? I figure it can’t always be like this (because it’s no place to really live a life), but it sure seems like I’ve been on this raft for quite a while now…

Last Saturday I was all excited about my first day as a real live yoga teacher, and about helping other people. People who can’t normally afford yoga classes and who actually, possibly need yoga more than others. Then, we all need yoga in my humble opinion (even if we don’t want it)!

So the night before, I packed the pannier bags of my bike, all full up with yoga mats.

And I get up early to run through my plans for the class. I cycle over and arrive EARLY (which is quite a spectacular thing for me to achieve).

And I expect them to be possibly a little bit late. But the joke is on me because no one arrives.

Despite the phone enquiries I’d received and the promotion of the classes through the social service agency network, NO ONE. Not a soul. Free yoga and no one wants it? Yeah, I’d heard my Guru speak about things like this. All those times when he offered free teachings and no one showed up…

I stayed for a while, going through my class plan again. Just for the practice and because well, perhaps someone would show up really late.

But no.

Thing is, I can’t say I wasn’t warned because I was. I knew this whole scheme of mine was a bit of a gamble. Most of the activities they run happen during the weekdays and in the 9-5 timeframe. But because I work (or plan to be working) those hours, I can’t commit to a daytime weekday gig.

I was warned that without social workers around to encourage them to go, it could be hard for them to manage to leave the house. And I get that. I’ve personally acquired a rather intimate understanding of depression and anxiety and the need to dig in right where you are – safe in your home.

I tried really hard not to feel bad about it. I didn’t take it personally or anything but I’ll admit my disappointment. There I was, finally ready to teach and… nothing. Haha! The universe and it’s games!

Also, I still have no job, although there’s a couple of prospects. But those prospects are taking a while to work through the process… There’s a little bit of temp work but not much, and I’m doing everything I can to save money, which means a bit of an empty social life!

Everything right now seems to be a struggle. Not in a depression, can’t get out of bed kind of way, but I really and truly feel rudderless. And I remember that for a long stretch of time in my life, that’s not how it was for me at all. I recall feeling innately alive and connected to the world and knowing very clearly what I should be doing and when. My intuition – although still doing okay sometimes these days – always used to be red hot. Always.

I really do feel stuck in a rut and I’m not quite sure just yet, how I’m gonna get out…

Good thing I’m going to this wonderful and FULLY SOLD OUT workshop (which I wisely paid for before I was out of a job) on Saturday, huh?

~Svasti

Rock ‘n’ Roll, Love, Hate & The Universe

Tags

Abuser, coward, Ex-fiancé, gig, Jeff Martin, KaliMa, live music, Mahavidya, Nine Inch Nails, nothing, Requiem, Rolling Stones, Universe, warrior-self, wormhole, You Can’t Always Get What You Want

From last year's gig at the HiFi Bar...

How to explain last Friday night in a way that makes sense to anyone who isn’t me? I mean all of it, not just what’s visible to the naked eye of the keen observer busily watching me instead of the charismatic, highly talented piece of tasty Canadian man-flesh commanding the stage, playing a dozen or more guitars and transporting me back to a very love-and-joy infused time in my life.

No, not just that.

You had to be inside my mind and body, I suspect. For the full impact of the evening, which started a month back. That’s when I bought the ticket to once again bask in the brilliance of another live Jeff Martin gig.

And then two weeks ago when I asked the universe (in the form of KaliMa, my Mahavidya – a tale I might tell eventually, or perhaps I won’t) if it was time. I’ve been alone for so many years now Ma. I’d like to meet a nice guy at the gig next week. He doesn’t have to be my perfect partner (although that’d be cool, too), just someone to have some fun with!

I kept up my asking with sincerity and not arrogance. Not a demand, just askin’ was all. And don’t get me wrong, there was some flirty eye contact going on. But the universe had other plans for me that night. Coz like that Stones song, you can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you might find, you get what you need…

I was triangulated between two significant moments in time, or at least that’s how it appeared. Not that I noticed this of course, until around halfway through the night. Most of the time I was eyes forward, looking at the stage.

But when I looked left, there, seemingly was my ex-fiancé. Same long hair pulled back into a ponytail, same beard, same nose and eyes. It was kinda weird, because he still lived in Sydney as far as I knew yet I could’ve sworn it was him! We were both Tea Party fans, so it made sense. Perhaps he was in town for work?

I couldn’t find out straight away because the venue was jam packed and it wasn’t easy to move around. Also, I was a little shocked to see him here – if it was him. But not as shocked as I was about to be in five, four, three, two…

My peripheral vision flagged it first. Off to my right, coming from the bar and heading back to where I assume he’d been standing before, some sort of bandana wrapped around his dreadlocks. He moved so fast I almost didn’t see him, defying the crowded space. But the pit of my stomach hitting the ground like I’d swallowed concrete and the icy chill running up my spine told me THIS time I wasn’t imagining things.

Hello former lover. Former friend. Abuser. Breaker of trust. Liar. Cheat. Fiend.

Whatever song Jeff was singing, I can’t recall. Because I was enthralled in an epic moment of my own.

The right height, the right kind of dreads, and damn it, why did I ever give him my Tea Party music? Could they BOTH be here? And what if it’s HIM? God damn, I wish I had some scissors. I’d love to hack a few of his dreads off. Or perhaps just a well placed elbow to the eye socket? Or empty my beer over his head? Maybe smack him in the face with the beer bottle? Or just spit in his face? No! Shit, no… just listen to the music. You’re not that person and you don’t want to be. There’s no need for violence. And I’m doing so GOOD now. But I want to find out if it’s him, right? Can I slide up there behind him? Would I say or do anything? He’s right in front of the stage, I don’t want to cause a scene and wreck the gig. But… just listen to the music. Feel the love…

(You must understand that for a long time, my body held involuntary and unexpressed anger that expressed as fantasies of “If I could’ve hurt him back, what would I have done?”)

Now Jeff was singing a combination of his song Requiem and Nine Inch Nails’ Hurt – an intense and emotional piece that brought tears to my eyes. And I resolved I’d stay true to myself, stay open and with the music. I kept an eye on them both though, trying to confirm or deny identity. Mostly I was able to fend off the thoughts of vengeful violence trickling through the wormhole from a time when I wished I could’ve defended myself better than I did.

Eventually I got close enough to my ex-fiancé to realise it wasn’t actually him. But damn, it was him from ten years ago when we split up, if a little taller! One freaky moment down, and I really hoped the other would be as easily dispatched. I’d still only caught side and back glimpses of his profile so far. In the dark. I could be wrong, right?

It was almost the end of the gig. Jeff had walked off stage, but I’ve been to enough of his gigs to know an encore was inevitable. I was too distracted to join in the cries of “MORE” right then. People were moving and some were leaving.

And there he was, maybe two meters from where I stood. Identity confirmed.

Trying to pretend he wasn’t looking directly at me, turning his head from side to side. But I could see his eyes. He looked gaunt. I could see the years hadn’t been kind to him.

It WAS him.

And I felt…

Nothing.

No pain, no fear, no sadness, no anxiety, no desire to do or say anything. No need to confront him. No triggers were tripped. I felt neither weak or scared.

It was nothing.

He was NOTHING.

The shadow of what’d happened was much bigger than he ever was, and apparently I’d confused the two. But not anymore.

And then I turned away to watch the encore. I didn’t even keep track of where he went. But when the gig was over (awesome night, regardless!), I stalked every corner of the room. I’d decided if he was still there I’d confront him because I wanted to look him in the eye and let him know he couldn’t touch me ever again, not in any way.

But he’d vanished like a coward.

So I walked back to my little time-share car, both chuckling and sort of crying. Except I wasn’t. It’s almost impossible to explain the spaciousness I felt in the midst of realising that the very last fear I had about that night was gone.

Somehow I had this idea in my mind/heart/body(?) that running into him would undo everything. That I’d be terrorised all over again, and become as much of a mess as I was that desperate night when my world fell apart and I genuinely feared for my life.

So thanks Ma/universe. I get it. It was time for closure. I couldn’t invite another man into my life until this was done. So thank you for making this mad night possible and showing me that my warrior-self is firmly back in the driver’s seat.

P.S. I don’t know if that means that everything to do with that event is now processed. I suspect not. Still this is BIG. :D

~Svasti

Did you hear that?

Tags

Jobs, Moving, Pray, Prayers, Psychic, Universe, Voices

On a blog where I’m being very open about my struggles with mental stability, I’m not sure it’s a good idea to talk about the little voices I hear in my head. But what the heck!

I’m not talking about the kind of inner voice we all possess. You know – damn I’m hungry…. wow he’s cute!…. stupid itchy ear…. shit, I have to get some toilet paper at the supermarket….

And so on. No, not that voice.

I mean the type of voice that doesn’t appear to belong to me; it’s more like a wise old friend who knows WAY more than I ever will. But ofcourse, it probably is my voice after all. I think it’s my intuition actually. Kind of like an expanded version of the ‘gut feel’ many people will intermittently pay attention to.

Except that when you start to pay attention to that feeling more regularly, it gets louder. It says more – with words, not just a feeling. Possibly the next phase in developing one’s intuition is being able to call on that voice whenever you need it. But for now, its still hit and miss. I don’t always hear it clearly, and it’s not always there when I need it.

It is much easier to ‘hear’ when I’m in calm, non-stressful situations. Mostly anyway. Or perhaps just when I’m more open. Less closed.

And I think this voice is a part of the ‘kind-of’ psychic abilities I mentioned in a previous post.

I realise this can all sound kind of weird… but actually my whole blog is weird, right? I mean, it’s not exactly your feel good laugh-a-minute epistle, is it?? The readers of these posts are free to be with me on this or think I’m nuts on anything I write. I don’t care. But this is how it is for me.

And, also because I think tonight I’ve managed to pluck a couple of cohesive messages out, even though I am living somewhat under duress at present (no job, no home, living with the parents etc).

And the message received is part of the answer to my recent prayers around – what the hell are my next steps anyway?

Whilst I was in Thailand, I felt all empowered by my stance of quitting my job, packing my things into storage and buggering off to follow my spiritual pursuits.

Interestingly, I seemed to be asked the same kinds of question over and over again by my friends/fellow yogis:

So what are you going to do next?

Are you going to move?

Why don’t you move back to Sydney?

Why don’t you move to San Fran?

Hey, you could move to Thailand for a while and work here!

To summarise, the general theory seemed to be: M O V E!!!

Everyone seemed to have suggestions for me, ideas on what I could do with myself. Perhaps it was this that precipitated a minor meltdown when I realised the gravity of what I’d done – pretty much erased all the structures in my life.

And not in my early 20’s, but mid 30’s – a time when most ‘sensible’ people are thinking of settling down. Buying that house. Having those kids. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

All of my yogi friends were super-pleased for me ofcourse. It’s great to retain flexibility of mind throughout your life and show detachment from material things. Other friends and family have had mixed reactions (horror, concern, happiness) which I’ve done my best to ignore.

So I prayed a lot. Right here, actually… at our Bodhi tree (the land came with a fully grown tree).

I still do. Prayer isn’t some sort of trademark of the mainstream religions. Prayer is conversing with… well, whatever you want to call it. God, your higher self, your guardian angel. I prayed and prayed, and haven’t gotten all the answers yet. I’m waiting on a sign, or signs.

I’m waiting to feel it in my bones before I know what I’m doing.

I guess the real issue for me is that I don’t have a clue. I have no answer on what I want to do next. The extent of my plans on returning to Australia included getting a job and getting some money together so I could once again have my own place.

But I knew, and I still know deep down inside, that change is not done with me yet. And it seems that even the simple plans I’ve had can’t go ahead with the assumptions I’ve been holding onto…

So back to what the voice said tonight.

It kind of went like this, although this isn’t a literal translation:

You can’t just pick up where you left off. Sure, get a job, but you can’t see it as permanent. Don’t go setting down roots here again. Perhaps you won’t have your own apartment again. Perhaps you need to consider sharing a place with someone. Don’t try to settle down.

Something like that.

See, I moved back to Melbourne (my home town) almost four years ago now. But it never really took. I love this city. It’s very liveable, very civilised and European in the inner city lifestyle. But it’s never felt like home since I got back here…

It doesn’t make much sense. I was born here and my family is here. In fact, the reason I moved back after living away for 12 years was family – my sister deciding to have kids actually.

But I still really, really get the sense of not belonging here. I’ve found it hard creating a new circle of friends again from scratch. I was assaulted. I broke my toe. Basically, except for the bit about spending more time with my family and baby niece, moving back to Melbourne has sucked dogs balls.

So whilst I was in Thailand, being confronted by the message of M O V E, I had no idea what that meant. Where I’m meant to move to. I still don’t. And as I’ve written before, I hate packing and moving in the worst possible way.

However, it seems I now know that I can’t think any sort of long term here in Melbourne. That much is clear.

So now, universe? Now, I know this…. can I have a fucking job please??

~Svasti