Been feeling kinda shy here on my blog of late. Protective. Little did I know that writing some posts on Swamiji’s passing would draw the number of visitors that it did – a good 600% of my usual traffic!
Then I got a little overexcited on Twitter and created the #yogadorks of the world map… hehe!
Not that I regret those things at all, but there’s a part of me that wants this blog to remain hidden. It’s easier to say what I want to say if I’m over here with only a handful people looking.
I’m not after extensive readership, not for this blog. But maybe I’ll write another one some time under my own name, who knows?
So I’m happy with a handful of readers, just the people who get it, y’know?
However, nowadays there’s more than a few people that know who I am beyond my nom de plume. For the most part I don’t mind so much, I guess. There’s a tiny percentage of people I really really wish I’d never lifted the veil of anonymity for (which makes me even more protective of my identity). But I suspect those don’t folks read my blog any more anyway. I hope!
You never know, though. Thing is, once you’ve given up your real life identity instead of remaining 100% Clark Kent-ish, everything changes. And there are some things I don’t want to change.
Like… noticing that I’ve drawn away from my usual candidness. I see it. I still have a bunch of stories that need to be written and I want to write them, I do. I want to scrape the fetid remnants from their bolthole and set them free! So they can decompose gracefully and no longer cause me sorrow, fear or anger etc.
Writing has and continues to be hugely helpful to work through my stuff, along with yoga and meditation (but of course).
Sometimes I find the act of publishing an intensely personal/painful story affords me a perspective I can’t get when it’s all inside my mind. But to do so takes me to raw and edgy places, and to allow myself such rawness, I need safety.
My blog was created to be that safe place. But lately, I’ve been feeling a little uncomfortable about posting some of the more intense things I want to say. I worry about who is reading, and what I’m sharing in my paradoxical public/private space.
But anyway, I’ve decided it’s time to get on with it! Bite the bullet and remember why I started this blog in the first place. Regardless.
I’ve spun some unfinished tales out over this entire year. Perversely, that makes me feel a little anxious! They need closure… and there’s others I’ve not even hinted at yet. They need to be told, too.
Shadows are far worse than the full light of day. Identifying and revealing my fears, while it may appear petulant, pitiful, immature or whatever… is beneficial in the long run. For me at least. And maybe for those that’ve had similar experiences of human being-ness, too.
So what the heck!
I just hope those who do know the yogini behind the blog… won’t find January’s stories to be too… whatever. If you know what I mean.
~Svasti
Svasti: A Journey From Assault To Wholeness 