Right now, life feels like a swirling mass of colours blended together, so many shapes wanting to stand alone, but really, they’re all kinda layered one on top of the other, form collapsing, everything melding together.
Makes it a little hard to see clearly.
There’s that big stagnant lump of emotion o’ mine… I know its there, but right now, I’m almost completely unaware of where it’s at.
Courtesy of… losing my job, trying to find another, being absolutely over the moon with the birth of my new niece, talking to lawyers because my previous employers are being assholes and breaching their contract with me (and making lots of threats to try and get me to go quietly – am trying to weigh up what to do).
Then, I’m just really enjoying some time out. Doing not too much except seeing the niece, watching Veronica Mars on DVD and re-potting some of my plants.
Because I feel like it.
Actually, I’m not being quite as lazy as all that! I’ve gotten in touch with some recruiters, applied for a few jobs, and I’m halfway through writing up a flier offering my various professional services freelance. But it’s all been very half-hearted.
And… getting legal advice about my previous employer’s bastardry, and whether or not it’s worth my time and effort to fight them to pay me what they really owe me, instead of what they’re trying to get away with paying me. Still deciding on that one…
Also, I’ve been neglecting my blog a little, really. There’s so many stories I’m in the middle of telling and I’m fully aware of that…
I plan to wrap up the Guru story some time soon. And then there’s the relationship back-history stuff, painting a picture (for myself as much as anyone else), helping me see how I got to the point where I ended up being assaulted. There’s more to tell, but that takes energy I don’t have right now.
There’s all this ‘stuff’ clambering for my attention, and I’ve been doing, really, very little this week about any of it.
Yet, I’ve been doing enough of whatever it is I’ve occupied my time with… to avoid a glaringly obvious fact:
My appointment with the EMDR therapist is tomorrow.
Two hours worth of digging through my emotional dross. And I’m going in blind. Can’t quite assess where I’m at with all of that stuff, on account of all the white noise.
Which is pretty scary. I mean, I know I can handle it. But I just hate the not knowing, and the nasty emotional download that I know is coming.
I can’t feel it at all right now. But that doesn’t mean its not there. Not at all. I’ve been here before, so I know…