A forked road

Tags

choosing healing, demarcation point, fork in the road, Grief, Healing, PTSD, Sorrow, Trauma, Wisdom

One of the truest things I know is this:

Wisdom comes at a price

It isn’t cheap or easy, and the whole getting of wisdom process itself? It sucks. Until it stops sucking, and by then the wisdom is deeply ingrained.

So much so that it doesn’t really feel like one has learned anything at all.

This was true for me. Until of course, I found myself observing the experiences of others.

It doesn’t matter how similar/dissimilar their experiences are to mine. It’s all around us, all the time: the world is in deep, deep pain. Sometimes, that pain gets tipped over into terror and agony. This is what I’m talking about.

Lately I’ve seen friends and acquaintances alike going through some heart-rendingly painful experiences. Seems to be a lot of this going around at the moment (blame the supposed end of the world perhaps – which is really just a massive energetic shift of consciousness).

These days, I find that suddenly I know what to say or do. How to help. Well, sort of.

I still have that horrible sense of helplessness, even though I know how it feels from the inside out. There’s only so much someone can do.

I really hate that.

I wish I could rip open my own soul so I can put my battle scars on display. So you really can know that I really, really do get it.

Regardless of my ability to express this, I do understand. Intimately so. And I see and feel the sorrow, trauma or grief of others and I silently weep in sadness because I not only know roughly where they’re at; I also know what’s coming.

Holy Shiva, how well I remember those first steps on the path of incomprehensible loss…

I remember trying to make sense of it all and that NOTHING made sense, no matter what.

I remember how long it took before I realised that actually, nothing WAS making sense!

It took even longer than that to realise there was truly a way out. That feeling good again was even feasible or desirable or something that could happen to me.

As awful as it is while you’re still in the bleeding-and-wounded phase of those experiences, at some stage there’s a fork in the road.

A very clearly marked demarcation point

1. Continue down the path of total and complete utter-fucked-up-ed-ness.

OR

2. Get really sick of the path of total and complete utter-fucked-up-ed-ness and decide that enough is enough.

Of course, the first path eventually leads to the second. However, the time frame on that is different for everyone. For some people, it can take their entire life. Others pass from this world before they get there.

THAT’S how hard this shit is to get through.

The second path? Choosing that one… is just the beginning of the process of healing. Which, it should be said is an absolute bastard of a thing to do.

Because real healing requires in-depth levels of honestly – with yourself, about yourself, about how you relate to everyone else in your life. It requires real change.

Eventually, this second path leads to bone-deep wisdom. Life lessons you’ll find are applicable across all kinds of situations, times and places.

The other thing? This becomes an ongoing path for the rest of your life. Once you step onto that fork in the road, you’re wisdom-bound. Yes, you’ve paid a ridiculously high price. Yes you have.

But in choosing healing, or even in choosing being utterly fed up by feeling like crap… you’re on the path to a deep understanding of yourself, of life, of what makes being alive worthwhile. Despite all the horrors life has thrown your way.

I guess what I’m saying is that when ready, you WILL get there in the end.

But the road is long and so it really isn’t worth looking too far ahead. Way better to focus on where you’re at right now.

And keep an eye out for that fork.

~ Svasti xxx

Spaciousness vs Tension

Tags

Don’t over-work, Freedom, spaciousness, strength, Stress, tension, Wisdom, yoga teaching

Enjoying a little spaciousness while I cycle...

As I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned before, sometimes the words I say when I’m teaching a yoga class seem to appear from thin air. I haven’t planned them or rehearsed them but there they are, being all reflective and wisdom-ish like.

I guess I find my inspiration for what I’ll talk about from observations of my experiences or other’s. Which are really one and the same thing. This is why I can talk of these things and be pretty sure that most people are going to relate to some of what I’m saying.

Because while we all have our own experiences, many of them are shared and/or similar enough in content to be relatable. Shareable. Yes?

So. Tuesday I got to thinking about spaciousness, and how when we tense everything up in our body or mind, there isn’t a huge amount of spaciousness going around. So over-tensing, over-concentrating, over-working, pushing yourself to the limits, killing yourself with running or gym (or intensive yoga) workouts isn’t necessarily helping you.

I told my students what I learned from having a couple of fairly respectable injuries in recent times: you don’t have to push to your edges in order to get the benefit of your yoga practice.

You can do less and it is okay. You don’t have to be sweating like a fiend or waking up sore the next day in order to build strength, stability and openness in your body.

In fact the harder you strain and over-work on strength, stability and openness in your body, the more likely you are to cause an injury. And that’s just on the physical level.

Then there’s the way that pushing too hard mentally can injure your emotional well-being. You judge yourself for not being able to do everything/as well as others in the class. You develop a mindset that says if you’re not pushing yourself to the edge, then you aren’t working hard enough and you won’t get the results you want.

None of this is true, but thinking or acting in these ways can cause physical, mental and/or emotional stress.

And stress is tension. Which makes us feel small and crowded.

But life and our body and mind, feel MUCH better when we have space. When our joints and spine aren’t compacted, we feel better. When we’ve got plenty of time to do the things we want to do, we feel better.

So we practice this in our yoga, and take this idea out into our life.

Be relaxed and comfortable in your poses. Be okay with where you’re at without pushing yourself so hard. Work effectively and functionally, but not excessively.

You will still get stronger.

You will still develop better core strength.

Your body and joints will open over time, to the degree that is possible for your body.

You will find it easier to calm your mind for meditation.

And you will be able to take this sense of calm and spaciousness out into other parts of your life.

So – work as well as you can in your yoga practice, on any given day. Do today, what is appropriate for your health and energy levels today. Do what’s appropriate for you tomorrow, when it is tomorrow. Don’t over-work. Doing your best without straining or forcing is enough.

Find ways to enjoy your practice. You develop more sensitivity and body awareness when you aren’t pushing so hard, because this leaves room to feel subtleties.

You are enough as you are (injured/sick/low energy etc), and you will get the benefits of the practice anyway.

It went something like that, anyway…

~Svasti

Forty pieces of silver – part 2

Tags

40th birthday, Learnings, life lessons, Wisdom

Stairs and flowers - the adornment of every day items is rife in Bali. And wonderful.

A little delayed, but finally here’s 21-40.

Perhaps a lot of this stuff is very obvious to you. But I’ve reason to believe that for others, that’s not the case. For me, anything I can offer that might benefit another person is a worthy task.

Even if you’re only reminded of your own learnings, then this list is useful.

But just maybe, there’s something new here for you. Or something that inspires your own inner reflections.

Blessings to everyone!

[Read 1 – 20 here]

21. Sensitivity is not a negative trait – instead, it’s helpful information to ensure you’re doing the best thing for yourself. Sure it has its pros and cons but overall, being sensitive to life will mean you’re being true to yourself.

22. Learn to dance. Even if you think you have two left feet. Dancing brings love, life and joy into your body. It also creates awareness between your physical self and your mind. Which is endlessly important.

23. We all need to learn surrender. To ourselves. Against our struggles. Because surrender is the pre-cursor to Grace.

24. Learn to sing. Even if you think you can’t. Sing from the heart with beautiful words. Personally, I love kirtan but whatever works for you. Signing opens your heart chakra and is healing for body, mind and soul. Also, the more your sing, the more you will be able to sing. True story.

25. Keep practicing. Recently I’ve been teaching my 4.5 year old niece how to do somersaults. Every time she does one she shows improvement. So she tells me that she’ll keep on practicing. This is how we learn to be skilled at anything, which is something we forget with age.

26. Examine and shake up your patterns. Often, our anxieties and fears are linked to the way we live our lives as opposed to who we are. Sometimes we forget there’s a difference.

27. Be generous with your time, money and possessions. Western culture is very “me/mine”. This sort of thinking intimates that if we give to others, we won’t have enough for ourselves. But Abundance actually comes from generosity. Because being generous keeps the flow of energy moving. At first this seems anti-intuitive but it’s one of the truest things I know.

28. Fear is not meant to stop you from taking action, even though stopping is generally the first response we have. But fear is just information, meant to help us figure out our next steps.

29. Take a completely solo travel trip at least once in your lifetime. If you dare. Initially it’s a very scary thing to do but it’ll change your world.

30. Explore your opposites. If you’re always a bit of a push-over, try being more hard-nosed. If you’re always angry, try greeting everyone with love and a smile. Without a doubt you’ll learn something about yourself.

31. If you sensibilities don’t match the culture you were born into, don’t worry. There are plenty of us who are in the same boat, because there isn’t just one style of living or way of life for everyone. Choosing differently from your family, friends or society does not make you less successful or valuable than anyone else. Translation: you don’t have to get married, have a mortgage, kids and two dogs in order to be “okay”.

32. You won’t always get what you need from other people. Even those who are “meant” to be there for us. It’s far better to develop your own capacity for self-nurturing and self-love. That way, you’ll never be without the things you need.

33. Friends will disappoint you. But usually, the disappointment comes from having expectations of their behaviour or actions in the first place. In other words – our own thoughts on what we think other people should do. How crazy is that when you break it down? Loving your friends/family without expectations means they can never disappoint you.

34. Bad things, terrible things happen to all kinds of people. Maybe even to you. They truly suck beyond belief. But honestly, none of it means anything about your personality, your self-worth, who you are OR who you can be.

35. There really are no coincidences in the world. Just a flow of the energy of life. If you’re working with that flow, lots of things start to look like coincidences.

36. If the life you’re living isn’t making you happy, work out what will. Then make plans to work towards that life. It’ll be worth it.

37. Both the mind and body need to be kept flexible. Do yoga asana for the body and meditation for the mind. Without both of these things, our world grows smaller and more uncomfortable with age. Without flexibility, change becomes difficult and negativity becomes predominant. Our happiness depends on the flexibility of both.

38. Self-sacrifice for others is not always anyone’s best interests, no matter how duty-bound you feel. Before we can help others, we really do need to help and support ourselves. This has to be a regular activity and not just a one-off.

39. Even if you don’t think you’re a writer, write your stories. Don’t worry about how it sounds. Just write it anyway. You don’t have to show anyone if you don’t want to (this is called journaling). But write it out. It’s the cheapest form of self-expression/therapy around.

40. Finally, what he said. Because he says it so well, and I completely agree:

As before, feel free to share any of your own wisdom below!

~ Svasti x

Forty pieces of silver – part 1

Tags

40th birthday, life learnings, Wisdom

As promised, the following represents a few nuggets of wisdom I’ve learned over the years. Forty of them, in fact. One for each year I’ve been alive, although I probably learned most of them in the last ten years.

It seems one’s 30’s are about the getting of wisdom. So I’m guessing the 40’s are when that wisdom is consolidated…

Most often I learned these things the hard way, which seems to be just how it is in my life. 😉

Here’s 1-20, with 21-40 being posted in another day or so…

1. We all know there’s no handbook to this thing called life. But it’s not until you start hitting your late 30’s that you really, really wish there was.
2. If you know what you want to do when you grow up, then you’re fortunate. Pretty much most of us don’t and feel awkward and weird about it for the longest time. If only we realised how many others were in the same boat, maybe we’d be more okay with it.
3. Don’t choose a career just for the money. Find what you love and go for that with all of your heart. Honestly, I think it’s the only way to avoid the pitfalls of modern life, which is hard enough!
4. Take time out of your life and your own problems to help other people. Do volunteer work of some kind. Donate money or clothes to people in need. It will help put the world and your place in it, into perspective.
5. Regardless of what you believe or don’t believe, we’re all interconnected. Truly. Our molecules are the same as those found in outer space and the air you breathe has been inhaled by everyone else. We are water, space, fire, ether and air. We are no different from mountains or comets or oceans or ants. Everything is a part of the whole.
6. Never ever take anything on face value. Which is not to say you shouldn’t trust people, but always question and confirm what others tell you, for yourself.
7. Life must be experienced directly and first-hand. Advice can be useful, but ultimately your experiences of being alive are unique to you. So go out there and have them.
8. Most of what we call life is a series of perceptions layered with our projected meanings and ideas. Very rarely do we know what’s really going on. This is one of the main reasons I do yoga – to strip away the filters and stores so that I have a clearer view of reality as it really is. Which often has no bearing on what we assume it is!
9. Be stubborn. Don’t back down when there’s something you really want. The reason I think I’ve managed to heal myself from PTSD and depression is because I refused to believe that I couldn’t. I’m applying that same principal to healing my thyroid condition. I don’t know how successful I’ll be with that, but I’m certainly much healthier than I was when I was first diagnosed.
10. However, balance your stubbornness with self-reflection (you mightn’t always be right), softness and sometimes even yielding (even when you’re sure you are right).
11. But also, be curious about yourself (I borrowed this one from Kerry). Get to know yourself, the way you’d get to know a friend. Find out what makes you tick.
12. Be truthful with yourself, always. In your yoga practice, and in your life. In yoga, this means you’ll happily accept where you’re at without pushing and forcing (and possibly causing yourself an injury). In life, it means always making the best decisions for yourself.
13. Allowing your life to be dictated by fear or anger makes for a very small world. I know beautiful and brave people who suffer anxiety, PTSD and other mental health conditions that make normal life really hard. But they find ways to keep living anyway.
14. Never get involved with someone unless you’re genuinely interested in them. And not just because the sex is good. It isn’t in your best interest, nor theirs. It never turns out well and sometimes it can turn out really badly. Read some of the archives of this blog if you don’t believe me.
15. There are endless layers to everything, contrary to the Hollywood version of life. The healing of grief, pain, trauma, anger etc… there’s no magic pill. Just when you think you’ve worked through it all, there’s more. Keep going.
16. Clichéd as it sounds, you will be happiest when you can accept yourself as you are – perceived warts and all. Although not the STD kind of warts. Go see your doctor about those. 😉
17. All those things you think you need to hide from the world – they are your strengths. Be okay with being vulnerable and imperfect. Everyone else is, too.
18. If anyone ever tells you that you’re too sensitive, giggle and explain that that isn’t it. Actually, it’s just that you’re just more sensitive than most people and you were born that way.
19. Actually, if someone ever tells you that there’s ANYthing wrong with you, give them the same kind of response. Lady Gaga got it right! Baby, you were born this way!
20. You never really lose touch with your inner child, you just forget about them a bit. Remembering is important. Make friends with Mini-You. She/he will tell you all of your secrets. Honouring Mini-You will bring you happiness. Promise.

[Read 21 – 40 here]

~Svasti

P.S. Feel free to share some of your own hard-earned wisdom!

Wisdom, moments & wonder #reverb10

Tags

#reverb10, aliveness, giggled, girl over my shoulder, It’s all about the yoga, musty carpet, oral transmission, service work, volunteering, Wisdom, wonder, Yoga, Yoga teacher, yoga teaching

Another compilation for y’all, out of order in my typically shambolic style…

Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?
~ December 10 prompt

Stepping out to teach yoga! I was terrified after I received my qualifications – HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BECOME A YOGA TEACHER?!?!

In the small hours of the day, I sometimes considered just letting it slide. I knew heaps of people who completed their yoga teacher training and then never taught. So why should I?!!

Regardless I took the steps, thinking I suppose I should at least give it a go. So I got my papers in order, applied for YTAA (Yoga Teachers Association of Australia – now Yoga Australia) membership. Got my public liability insurance. Thought and thought about a business name, then threw out all of my ideas and came up with a completely different one several months later.

I did all of that, and still didn’t have a class to teach!

But doggedly, I followed my instincts which told me how I wanted to begin my teaching career – working as a volunteer teacher for the disadvantaged. I thought it’d be awesome to offer some yoga for free to people who need it while building my teaching skills at the same time. Somehow I made it happen, and I’ve written about my yoga teacher experiences a bit. Here’s a handful of those posts:

• A teacher-y thing
• Yoga, Grace and time out
• Gettin’ in the groove
• Fishing in the universe’s ocean

Before I became a yoga teacher, I had a lot of trouble imagining myself as one. But I reckon that’s because I didn’t understand what sort of teacher I was going to be.

I’ve discovered that for me, teaching yoga is service work – no more or less.

It’s not like I’m some kind of authority figure up the front of the room commanding people to move their bodies. Instead, I see it more like a partnership. We work together and we laugh. I am honest and speak to my students as friends, not supplicants.

What I’ve learned from all of this however is that in order to become a teacher, you simply have to get out there and teach. There’s nothing your yoga teacher training course can help you out with on that front, except more contact hours as a student teacher. GO FORTH AND TEACH, I SAY!!

To date, this work of becoming a yoga teacher is the most enriching thing I’ve ever done for myself! So you could say it’s playing out just fine…

::

Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colours).
~ December 3 prompt

That very first yoga class I taught. Okay, the first one where people actually turned up! 😉

The experience of planning that session, agonising over the sequence of asana and further agonising over whether anyone would turn up this time made my belly flip-flop. Little summersaults of nervousness and excitement! I was up late the night before just making sure what I was planning made sense, much as the six year old me hated going to bed on Christmas Eve.

Everything had been donated. My time, the yoga room, the mats. I’d cycled a few kilometres from my place to the venue with the mats in my pannier bags, turning up ridiculously early. The room itself was upstairs at the back of an old heritage building-turned-art-gallery and despite windows in three walls, the space reeked of musty carpet and neglect.

Never mind, I’d brought incense and candles and music and we’ll generate our own vibe. Waiting nervously, and going through the sequence again and waiting some more to see who’d appear at the door.

There they were! We began, talking about yoga in general terms, a few announcements and before I knew what was happening, I was instructing people in yoga!! Who me?? Or, perhaps not me. Not the nervous/concerned person who stumbles over her own words but some other version, reliant on many years of gathered knowledge.

Get this – it worked! I didn’t just survive teaching that first solo/un-monitored class. I rose up and met the energy required to do the work.

Afterwards, I can’t tell you how much I giggled and felt overwhelmingly free. Light, like I could float back home instead of cycling there.

I think it’s that moment of sharing something and seeing the acknowledgement and understanding sink in. They actually get what I’ve shared. FUCKING AWESOME!

I mean, isn’t that what life is all about?

::

Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?
~ December 4 prompt

Same-same-same-same – the very reason I grouped these three prompts together.

It’s all about the yoga!

Every time I step out on the mat as a yoga teacher I feel wonder at what I’m becoming – whoever this confident and self-assured person is, she sure doesn’t resemble the girl over my shoulder of recent history. New things are being forged: new things, new limbs, new words and shoulders rolled back further than before, chin up.

This teaching gig is an ongoing learning process – how I speak, move, and interact with those who participate in my classes. And it’s an honour and a blessing to be able to share yoga like this!

My last teaching gig for this year was a beginners class a couple of weeks ago. We were doing some of the Pawanmuktasana series – very simple movements that are exceptionally good for the joints (key for flexibility) and digestive system.

I noticed one of my students absent-mindedly staring at the roof while she worked. She looked bored. Hold your horses, lassie!!! I stopped the entire class.

No. It’s not yoga if you’re only going through the motions. Look at your knee as you move it. Breathe with each movement. Engage the mind in what you’re doing, don’t let it wander!

We started again and they seemed to get it – that presence is required, no matter how simple the asana.

And in that very brief exchange, if maybe even one of those students heard me just a little bit then I’ve made a difference. Which totally rocks, right? Here I am, participating in this ongoing tradition of oral transmission, something that’s been going on for hundreds and perhaps thousands of years.

Let’s face it: that is just freakin’ cool, everybody! Am I right?

::

~Svasti xo

Wiser words than mine

Tags

Gaps, Guru, Keith Dowman, Moving house, Spiritual work, Teachings, Wisdom, Yeshe Tsogyel

I’m having a few issues right now of the spiritual/non-corporeal kind. Sort of.

On top of a new job, moving home, and generally dealing with lots of stuff, things they are a-changing in ways I can’t put my finger on (see Carbon based lifeform 2.0).

I’m finding when I do have two seconds to rub together, and slow down, life starts to get weird. Well, perhaps not that weird for a practicing yogi. But still, it is weird mostly because I’m not doing a lot of intense sadhana right now. But things are changing anyway and I’m falling into the gaps somewhat…

My Guru lives in Thailand, and right now I only see him once a year (if I’m lucky). To supplement, many students rely on recorded teachings – mostly stuff we were present for (good to get a repeat dose), but also other teachings that were held in San Francisco when we weren’t. He gets back there once or twice a year. Which kind of makes me wonder why the heck I’m not listening to the pleas of my yogi brothers and sisters and moving over there already?!

I digress. So I’ve been listening to recorded teachings, as I do regularly. But I’m especially dependent on them now as it’s kinda tricky to identify where I’m at on the path by myself.  Not that there’s a path. And not that there’s any ‘progression’. Of course.

Because I’ve been putting in all this iPod listening time, I’ve re-discovered some absolute gems in terms of insights and discussions on the human condition. There are plenty of gems, but these ones are striking a chord for me right now. They’re relatively general, yet practical for yogis and non-yogis alike.

And I’ve been transcribing some of it!

So, in addition to my other ramblings here, I’m gonna run a series of posts sharing some of the wisdom I’m lucky enough to have access to.

Not sure if I’ll get time this weekend (what with the move and all), but some time in the next couple of weeks, they should start to appear.

I hope you’ll enjoy them as much as I do.

Namaste!

~Svasti

P.S. The image above is from a book called “Sky Dancer: The Secret Life & Songs of the Lady Yeshe Tsogyel” by Keith Dowman. Its an incredibly beautiful book that I highly recommend.

Child-like wisdom – part 2

Tags

Child, Energy, Healing, Inner child, Love, Photo shoot, Raunchy, Repression, Scotch, Sushumna, Wisdom

Read part 1 first

~~~~~~~~~
Who was this girl, I wondered? I simply didn’t recognise myself. It wasn’t the costumes. This girl seemed confident, relaxed. She looked good. No, she looked great. Sexy.

She doesn’t look how I feel about myself. Who is this person? Did taking off most of my clothes liberate something? So carefree, so in love.

I could see… invisible layers of protection that I usually wore, were missing. Why?

Suddenly wracked with pain, sobs bubbled up from the depths. It was very confusing, I had no idea what was going on.

And then came the voice. Calming and knowing. As though someone was in the room speaking to me.

Go and lie down on your bed said the voice. Do it now. Get comfortable. Its time to look within. That girl in the pictures is you but to be her, you must let go. You must wake up.

Who was I to argue at this point in time?

I surrounded myself with cushions and pillows, like an island.

Here’s what you’re going to do. Close your eyes. Turn them inwards, down. Take them from your head and send them down inside your body. Find the pain. Once you’re there, you need to look at your life from your body’s perspective.

That might sound completely nuts to anyone reading this, but it made some kind of sense to me at the time. So I did just that.

I visualised my eyes coming loose from their sockets and travelling down my spine. Unsurprisingly, they settled in my belly region. Ah, so this is where repressed emotions live (kinda knew that)!

Perhaps I was in some kind of trance by this stage, but I “met”, well… a five year old version of myself! Or something like that.

We held hands, and we replayed the events of my life to date. Not the pleasant things ofcourse. We were here to look at the pain. The things that made me feel small, less than.

They flashed up one after the other. But this time I felt it deeply within my body. No suppression, no isolation. Fear and pain unplugged.

And the five year old me howled. The way a child cries when they think they’re truly alone and abandoned. She was scared and sad and no one heard her cries. Not ever.

I knew it was my job to help her. To make her feel better. To look at each event and say sorry for not noticing before. But I see it now, and let’s get through it together.

Every new scene brought hysteria closer to the fore. There weren’t too many, but enough: heartache, betrayal of trust, fear and disappointment. From each episode, an unresolved piece of the hurt had lodged itself deep within my body. I might not have been aware of it, but five year old me was. Until now, it had been her burden to carry in silence.

Hours went by, but eventually the pain subsided. From the top of my skull to the base of my spine, I distinctly felt like a wind tunnel had been erected. Sushumna. A sense of spaciousness pervaded.

But more than that, I now knew that deep within resided my child-like self, perpetually young and trusting. Wanting to be known, to be heard and loved.

Awe and wonder filled my waking moments, aware I’d experienced some kind of spontaneous energetic healing.

By the way, those photos were a hit! Originally I was going to post them to my love, but soon afterwards I was given instructions to go and pick up a plane ticket and get my ass over to the UK! To deliver them in person and share the last few weeks of his trip whilst his mate did other things.

Interestingly, this experience had a much further reaching impact. A little shy, the first night after arriving, I handed over my pack of photos and an accompanying letter and went to have a shower.

No surprises there – he loved them! But on a deeper level he got it – he could see the transformation I’d told him about.

For as I cast off the buried pain through that night, it seems my heart also grew lighter. More free.

With fewer layers of protection, it was easier to connect to the man I loved. Whilst, erm, sex had always been a good thing, I now seemed to have a whole new level of sensitivity and feeling. He noticed the difference too.

Poetically, I guess you could say my inner castle walls came tumbling down…

I’ve since come to believe that we all have this “inner child”. They represent who we are at a very basic level. They are our innocence, our trust, our belief in good things.

When our inner child constantly deals with repressed pain and suffering we start to close down and feel the need to protect ourselves. In doing so, we cut ourselves off from the world and even those we love. A vicious circle, but one we have the power to do something about.

Ofcourse, after I was assaulted, I had to go through a similar journey. Well, perhaps somewhat different. But nonetheless, I’ve had to shed the accumulation of emotional and physical pain stored in my body. To free my inner five year old once more.

~Svasti

Child-like wisdom – part 1

Tags

Abuse, Assault, Castle, Child, Love, Raunchy, Scotch, Self-conscious, Verbal abuse, Wisdom

Like a fairytale covered with pixie dust, I was engaged. He proposed in a castle near Wales. I was just 24.

I’d been flown to the UK as a surprise to share the end of my boyfriend’s three month jaunt, planned with his mate before we’d met.

How does it happen that one day you meet a stranger for the first time and feel a ridiculously powerful connection?

Okay, so we didn’t end up together – we never made it down the aisle. But whilst it worked, we fired on all cylinders. It was magic. It was something.

Possibly the strength of our bond is what allowed him to talk me into doing something I never thought I’d ever do.

It was during one of the endless and expensive calls we had whilst he was gallivanting all over the UK. At first he said he’d ring me once a week because of the cost. But that seemed unlikely when he called me the very next day. And the day after that. And the day… well, you get the picture.

I miss you he said. Every day. Our phone calls were long and beautiful, discussing you know – everything.

Send me some raunchy photos to keep me company he begged. Although he couldn’t see how much I was blushing, he soon heard all about it.

He knew, ofcourse, of my body issues. I’m too tall, I’m not delicate, and I’m not waif thin. I’m not pretty. So said the negative internal voices – thanks, brother.

For many years I was my older brother’s physical and verbal punching bag. Mum went back to work once we reached a certain age. From the time I started high school, there was always a good hour or so before any parental figure showed up. Time my brother – a very angry person for reasons unknown – used to full advantage.

To bait me, to hurl threats and insults against the way I looked and my intelligence, to smack me around as he saw fit. It’s something that for the most part, I’ve moved past now, thankfully.

When someone tells you every single day of your life how ugly/stupid/fat etc you are, it sinks in. Throw enough mud…

Of my brother’s “conditioning”, the hardest part to overcome were insults about my looks. I knew I was more intelligent than him – that was easy to see. But I never drew much male attention, so I bought the rest hook, line and sinker.

A remaining side effect to this day is that I can’t look in a mirror or at a photo of myself, and see what other people see.

So as you can imagine, my boyfriend/soon-to-be-fiancé had asked me to do something that was anti every instinct I had. I was supremely self-conscious about my physical appearance.

However, I was madly in love and I really wanted to be able to do this for the man I loved.

I recruited one of my closest friends who had some skill as a photographer AND would be cool about the request. Giggling, we planned the ‘photo shoot’, working some alcohol, pizza and chocolate into the equation.

My ultra-tiny one bedroom unit was transformed. The sofa was pushed into the kitchen. A sheet was taped to the wall and props came out – sheepskin rugs, elaborate cushions etc. And costumes – there were several changes of scanty clothing to consider. I’m nothing if not creative!

A fine scotch lubricated proceedings. We turned on some music and um, got started…

Unexpectedly, it was a blast. Initially I felt strange being half naked with my friend B taking pictures. But with each costume change and more alcohol we were increasingly amused.

I was terrified about getting them developed. B took care of that for me and left me in peace to peek at the results. Drink in hand, deep breath, and I opened the packet.

~~~~~~~~~ To be continued…

~Svasti