Writing a book is a topsy-turvy thing

Tags

another pot of tea, begin with what you feel, Creative Writing, fear of beginning, more tea, out of my head book!, percolation phase, topsy-turvy, Writing, writing a book

What I’ve found is… sometimes you have to start at the end. Or in the middle. Or by writing the credits for the book you haven’t even written yet.

Maybe it’s different for others, but I’ve realised that I must simply write. The ordering, the structure and placement of things… that can come later. Trying to write a book from beginning to end is… futile.

To get it all out of one’s head is the first priority. And some words simply want to be said first. So let them have their way with you, in the give and take of the flow of creativity.

And don’t panic when you think you haven’t yet written anything useful!

Write a paragraph here and there. Spend as much time not writing as you do engaged in the production of sentences. Be okay with the percolation phase, and with the fear of beginning.

For where does one begin, anyway?

I’ve learned that what you do is, begin with what you feel. And let your feelings guide everything that pops up after. In the same way they shoot movies and television shows out of sequence, write what needs to be written right now.

Structure appears when it’s ready to take form. Don’t let the beginning of your work depend on something that’s yet to evolve!

And – sometimes, the perfect place for writing is not the perfect place. Correct posture be damned! Writing on a sofa or a bed is sometimes what is needed, instead of at a lovely antique table.

Above all, just keep writing… burning incense, taking walks, and making another pot of tea…

~ Svasti

Other posts inspired by my retreat

• Writing retreat report: I’m back!
• An ode to Snake Gully
• Life lessons from managing a fireplace
• Waterfalls sound like the Universe

I’m off on a writing retreat!

Tags

Albury, Awayyyy, bushland, Charlotte Almond, ebook, faeries, kangaroos, koalas, lizards, nature sprites, PTSD, snakes, tea sipping, Trauma, wombats, Writing, writing retreat, Yoga

See this?

This gorgeous, rustic building is up a hill (accessible via 4WD only), in the middle of nowhere-ville. Okay, so it’s actually a few hours east of Albury.

Wild animals (wombats, snakes, lizards, koalas, kangaroos etc) live there. So do faeries and nature sprites (for realz, I’ve encountered them before!).

For ages and ages, I’ve been trying to get at least one book out of my head. Y’see, there’s a couple of ‘em living up there at the moment… but it’s not always easy to do that kind of work when you’re distracted by your crazy busy everyday life.

A while back, The Divine Ms N sent out an email to her Yoga Mafia (read: newsletter subscribers!) with a super-generous offer from one of her contacts – a limited number of exceptionally affordable life coaching sessions.

Soon as I saw the offer I jumped right on it. JUMPED, I tell you. Because as I’ve alluded to already, there’s a few Really Big (Positive) Things going on for me. It’s all quite exciting and overwhelming, and I knew this offer of life coaching sessions had my name all over it.

Which is how I came to meet Charlotte Almond, who is an extremely lovely and canny lady. I can highly recommend her services, and will write more about her soon enough.

Together we worked through some of my Really Big Things, but also, laid down some powerful and practical steps I could take towards my Excellently Awesome Future Life Plans.

One of those steps is writing my ebook! It’ll be practical advice for those who are trying to recover from PTSD/trauma. Because trauma’s a bitch, recovery is freakin’ tough AND there really isn’t enough out there by folks who’ve been through it all.

And I can write this now, since I’m no longer in trauma myself!

However, to really be able to write down the bones of it all, I need to get outta town. Awayyyyy from my hectic job. Awayyyy from my home, which is comfortably hermit-like and filled with books I like to read etc etc. Awayyyyy even, from the internet and Facebook and Twitter (*ahem* says the digital media addict).

Anyhow, I was hunting for a place to get awayyyyy to. And I’d sort of forgotten that my friends (whom I haven’t seen in years) have this retreat space on their beautiful virgin bushland property. Up a hill in the middle of nowhere.

It was only when I posted a Facebook status asking for recommendations of cheap get-away places that my friends said, Ummmm, what about our place?

DOH!

Maybe because it’d been so many years between visits (I don’t have a car now and their place really is in the middle of nowhere), I simply didn’t think it was polite to ask. Also, I suppose there’s a part of me that’s become so used to being self-sufficient that I’m not accustomed to people being this generous with me. Even when they are, a lot. I don’t expect it, I guess.

However in a subsequent phone call, I was told very plainly that I don’t even need to call ahead. Just turn up. There’s always a place for me.

Wow, right? I have some awesome friends.

So I’ll be away for the next week. Living in an octagon-shaped room with a view of nothing but trees and enveloped in the sounds of nature. Doing yoga, eating whole foods, drinking copious amounts of tea and writing like a woman on a mission. Which I am.

Have to confess that I’m a touch nervous about it all, because writing this book will require some digging and re-visiting. But I’m strong and well now, and it’s all for a good cause. There might, however, be vomit. And tears.

When I return, there’ll be a mountain of editing to do. Then finding a designer to make it look pretty, and putting it all together. But how exciting to crow-bar all those words from my over-crowded brain, huh?

Also: a lil Spring clean!

So in case you’re looking at this post in an RSS reader or via email, I’ve just neatened up the blog. In the southern hemisphere, we’re on the verge of Spring, so a spring clean is appropriate: I’ve applied a fresh new template, tidied up my left hand column and so on. I’m loving the new look!

Enjoy your week, and I’ll check in on the flip side.

Wishing you all lots of creative inspiration!

~Svasti xxx

Other posts inspired by my retreat

• Writing retreat report: I’m back!
• An ode to Snake Gully
• Writing a book is a topsy-turvy thing
• Life lessons from managing a fireplace
• Waterfalls sound like the Universe

Continued: working without a net

Tags

Anxiety, belly relaxed, bliss, breathing smooth, Depression, don't look down, heart open, hecticness, I trust in abundance, I trust myself, I trust the Universe, muse, PTSD, Self-Alignment Kit, working without a net, world of impermanence, Writing, yogAttitude cards

Meditate. Be bliss. There's a lesson in that for all of us...

This is just a quick post to say hi, really. Well, and a couple of other things.

First of all

Suzanne, who won the give-away of Nadine’s wonderful yogAttitude cards has seemingly gone AWOL. So I’m on the verge of re-drawing the prize!

Suzanne, I’ve sent you three emails and left a comment on your blog. No reply! If I don’t hear from you very soon, I’ll re-draw a winner from the other entries (no new entries, just to be fair!).

So please get in touch by Friday 4th November if you would still like to receive your prize, as I need a postal address. After that, I will draw another winner.

Secondly

I’ll be doing a review very soon of Kerry’s Self-Alignment Kit. I think I’m gonna try it this weekend, on account of the fourth point of this post (below).

Also: if you’re interested in Kerry’s kit, hang about for the review because there’ll be a discount code for readers of this blog!

Thirdly

Things are crazy-hectic for me right now at work. The last few months we’ve been working on a H-U-G-E project – a whole bunch of websites that’ll be going live, hopefully this weekend. New branding, a new content management system, new content. It’s been absolutely massive and there’s been so much to do. Insane.

Which has meant no time to finish some of the posts I’m writing. Stuff I really want to get done!

Fourthly (is that even a word?)

This is the working without a net thingy.

In 2008 I left the world of stable, full-time employment. At the time, I was going on a long retreat in the wilds of north-east Thailand. It was a massive turning point for me.

Earlier that year, I’d finally gotten my butt into therapy and was formally diagnosed with PTSD. It was the beginning of my healing journey, and leaving my job was a part of that. I’d been in the same job for 4.5 years and most of that time I also had PTSD. So I’d been trying to hold down a high-performance job while being pretty dysfunctional. I’d also had the misfortune of telling my bosses what had happened to me, and having them use that as a means to bully me. I was burned out.

After retreat and coming back to Australia, I haven’t had a permanent job. Well, none that has lasted anyway. There’ve been a couple of periods of unemployment and lots of contract work.

Simultaneously, I’ve worked my ass off to heal PTSD, anxiety and depression. Which I’ve done, although it hasn’t been easy. I’m still working on healing myself – now it’s my body that needs support and love, while it too, processes the aftershocks of everything my mind and soul have been through.

Integral to all this healing has been learning to really trust myself and my place in this universe – as big or small as that place might be. The first time I found myself unemployed, it was terrifying. I made a whole bunch of decisions at that time that I’d do quite differently now.

All of this short term contract work hasn’t exactly been easy when you have hair-trigger anxiety, either. It’s basically like facing unemployment on a semi-regular basis, never quite sure where or when the next job is coming.

If I’m not careful, such things can cause crazy-excessive-heart-thudding and concrete-heavy-belly feelings.

Even though I have my own, I can't help but stop to talk to other kitties I meet. Such things help me keep life relaxed and calm.

Which is where trust comes in. You see, I’ve found that if I let my fear and anxiety rule the playground, my world gets very small. In such a small world, it’s much harder to get my needs met. So I need to stay open and relaxed.

With the end of the big project I’ve been working on, my current contract is due to end in just under three weeks and I don’t have another job to go to yet.

I don’t know what’s going to happen. There’s been a flurry of recruiters calling me, but so far none of those conversations has turned into anything concrete. I even went for an interview and everything looked good but there have been some issues at that company with getting the job “signed off”. Yep.

So I talk and pray to the Universe daily. I keep my belly relaxed (as much as possible), my breathing smooth and my heart open (which is what I ask my yoga students to do – just walking the talk).

I keep thinking that perhaps I’m just missing whatever lesson the Universe is trying to teach me. Or maybe this is just a constant reminder that nothing is permanent, and now that I’m open to that, my world looks entirely impermanent all of the time?

I’m not sure to be honest. But one lesson I have really learned is that when working without a net, you simply don’t look down.

Clichéd perhaps, but true.

Fifthly (ditto re: existence of word)

I now have two books that I need to write.

The first one is my children’s book. It’s totally buzzing around my brain, showing me new characters and scenarios. Whenever I’ve read about authors talking about their characters coming to life, I didn’t really understand what they meant. Until now.

Must. Write. Book!

The second one is actually Nadine’s fault (said with a grin!). We caught up a few weeks back and had a rambly natter about all kinds of things – yoga, healing, trauma etc.

At one point she said something like: Well, that’s some wisdom you’ve gained there. What are you going to do with that?

I was all, ummmm….?

But the Muse strikes at the oddest of times, doesn’t She? Tuesday night I was walking to the school where I teach yoga every week and She whispered: Write an e-book about what you’ve learned in recovering from PTSD, depression and anxiety.

Oh dang! Before I’d reached my destination, several chapters had laid themselves out for me.

So… I guess I’m writing that one, too.

~ Svasti

Public Declaration of Excellently Awesome Future Life Plans

Tags

Adventure, be in the world., debt free, finances, goals, good health, Guru, Haiti, holidays, India, manifesto, Public Declaration of Excellently Awesome Future Life Plans, Relax, Retreat, see things, service work, study, teaching, touchstone, Travel, Universe, wander about, Writing, Yoga

Been meaning to write this one up for a while now.

Have you noticed how darn freakin’ hard it can be to keep your eyes on your goals when they’re not immediately in front of you? When there are no set dates or schedules? Even worse, when you’re working like a demon to get to even the first marker and more obstacles appear? Yeah, me too. That’s pretty much been 2011 for me.

It can be handy to write up your plans and have them all in one place. So this post is exactly that – a manifesto of my Excellently Awesome Future Life Plans.

All in public and centralised, and a touchstone for me to revisit whenever I forget what I’m working towards. Also, it’s a bit like putting an advance order in to the Universe.

So here it is…*

Short term

• Get a well-paying permanent or longer-term contract job (6-12 months) to keep me financially afloat.
• Be employed before, during and after the end of my current contract (end-November ’11).
• Take my birthday holiday trip in December. Have a blast, meet new people and RELAX.
• Work on reducing my physical possessions – sell stuff or give it away. Hold a garage sale?

Medium term

• Successfully wean myself off thyroid medication, with the assistance of kinesiology, diet, de-stressing, yoga and other exercise.
• Get a clean bill of health for my thyroid once I’m off medication.
• Write a complete first draft of the children’s book that’s banging around my brain. (It currently sends me messages like: WRITE ME, BIATCH).
• Find someone to illustrate my children’s book and collaborate on the work.
• Reverse my thyroid-induced weight gain. – HAPPENING!
• Pay off all of my debts completely.
• Start saving a whole bunch of money for my Big Overseas Adventure!
• Gain my English as a Second Language (ESL) teaching certificate.
• Keep reducing amount of physical possessions to those things that are necessary for functional and/or emotional/spiritual/sanity purposes.
• Get travel shots.

Longer term

• Find a publisher who wants to publish my book and pay me money for it!
• Once I’ve saved up a whole bunch of money for my Big Overseas Adventure, buy an around the world plane ticket. Get necessary visas and insurance. UPDATE 17/3/2013: For now, I’m not taking a ’round the world trip, just a two month sabbatical to India (currently in progress!)
• Quit my job. WOOP! WOOP!
• This one is sad. :( Find an excellent new home for Miss Cleo the cat. My beautiful girl. UPDATE 17/3/2013: Since I’m not going overseas indefinitely, I just have a house/cat sitter instead!
• Sell all possessions I don’t want to keep. Box up what’s left to put in storage.
• Make all necessary plans and farewells. Then GET ON PLANE!!
• First stop: India, for panca karma, studying at KYM and Satyananda Ashram. Wander about. See things. Be in the world.
• Second stop: find wherever my Guru is in the world and spend some time with him, still studying yoga (referring to the complete idea of yoga here – philosophy, meditation, asana, pranayama, mudra, bandha).
• Third stop: spend some time in retreat.
• Other stops: maybe visit friends in the UK and US. Do some volunteer work in Haiti. Wander about. See things. Be in the world.
• Maintain and increase my good health, thyroid or otherwise.

Even longer term…

Now I’m getting into very speculative territory. But here’s a lifestyle that could make me happy:

• Settle down somewhere in Asia. Maybe Thailand or somewhere nearby. Somewhere beautiful.
• Get a job teaching yoga, perhaps at some swanky retreat centre.
• Perhaps get another job teaching ESL.
• Write more children’s books and/or other types of books.
• Maybe also do some freelance writing for various websites.
• Combine all of the above with doing service work of some kind, preferably working with children or women at risk. People who need love.
• Maybe other things. Probably LOTS of other things. But the point is to be doing work that I love and that makes me happy.
• Maintain and increase my good health, thyroid or otherwise.
• Live a life I can’t even imagine right now. A really, really GREAT one.

Somewhere in this process…

I dare to dream that this future also includes personal, romantic love. As in a partner. It’s been a long time, but I think I’m finally ready to open my heart again. For someone who gets me, and vice versa. Someone who has a good heart and thrives on the kind of life I’ve described above, just as much as I do. Someone who isn’t afraid of change, growth and learning new things. Someone who knows who they are and isn’t afraid to challenge themselves or me. Who is passionate and knows how to make me laugh. Side note: someone who is preferably taller than my 5’10½” because I dig a tall guy.

So there we have it. My Public Declaration of Excellently Awesome Future Life Plans.

For a long time, I didn’t have any plans or dreams. I didn’t make any and couldn’t even imagine a time in my life where I’d be happy and doing what I wanted to be doing. Things are different now. I’m on my way, y’all!**

Of course, the Universe will have a say in how things pan out. But assuming the Universe agrees, this is what I’ll be doing.

~ Svasti

* This post will get updated as things change!

** Being on my way doesn’t mean I assume everything is gonna go off without a hitch or be problem-free. That’d be foolish-thinking. But I’m down with a somewhat bumpy journey, as long as I can still achieve my goals.

Yeah about that…

Tags

detour, I'm okay really, pendulum, pressure valve, self-expression, Writing

I know that my last post upset a few people: some folks found it intense and a bit worrying. I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating: all that I am is NOT contained in this blog.

Writing for me is a creative outlet but sometimes it’s also therapy. Sometimes it’s both. Importantly, I write about moments in time. They might be short or long, but they don’t last forever. It really does help me to write this stuff down and sometimes the act of writing and publishing can be enough to start a shift.

For example, how I was feeling last weekend and earlier this week is not my general mood at all. Heck, part of it could be coming from my current state of health (depression and anxiety are symptoms believe it or not), and it could also be partly to do with the new moon eclipse that happened last Friday.

Basically, LOTS of things can contribute to making a person feel like the world is collapsing around them. But my posts are never a cry for help, or a request for strangers with their Christian beliefs to give me “advice” (that *actually* happened btw).

Assuming that you know me or know what I’m thinking or feeling because I choose to publish something that’s intense and personal… well that’s just silly.

More than one reader of this blog has remarked that I’m very brave for publishing the things I do. I don’t see it that way. For me, it’s simply about self-expression and sometimes, releasing a pressure valve.

Anyway, you can come to this blog and make lots of assumptions based on reading a handful of posts. Or if you’re dedicated, you can read every post I’ve ever written and think you know who I am.

But you’d be way off the mark.

Just sayin’, y’all.

Btw, I’ve been very strict in making sure I get to all of my yoga classes this week, as well as teaching my usual Tuesday night class. Teaching is so helpful because I have to get out of my own head, think of others and create a beautiful and loving space for my students. So I’m doing well.

While moving forward always, sometimes I take a detour in one direction or another. When the pendulum of that detour swings one way too widely, things can get a lil crazy.

If you can’t relate to that, and/or if you think that life is one big ball of love, light and happiness all the time…well then, perhaps I’m not the only one getting a bit crazy.

~Svasti

Monday satay scoreboard #reverb10

Tags

#reverb10, bird’s eye view, confluence of flow, Consolidation, Depression, everyday writing practice, grime-laden details, harmony, let go, loyal, oga teacher, One word, People, Procrastination, PTSD, Re-birth, Return, rivulets, satay sauce, slithery fear, way-back machine, writer’s constipation, Writing

Monday’s got a couple of points on me so far today. Let’s just say loose lids leak satay sauce on the inside of one’s fridge, absorbing precious get-ready-for-work time. Also, ninety minutes of down-time can be achieved at work by some kind of mysterious power board/circuit-thingy outage, taking down monitors and destroying any kind of first day of the week productivity.

But now (mwahaha!), I’m determined to score a couple of runs for MY side! So y’all will be pleased to know I’ve jumped in the way-back machine to address not one but THREE #reverb10 prompts that I missed earlier this month (not necessarily in order, of course). Huzzah! I think I win now, okay Monday?

One word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
~ December 1 prompt

Some people have this ability to envisage their coming year and then sum it up in carefully chosen inspirational words. I’m not one of those people, folks!

My Januaries all look a little bit like that first part where you’ve landed in a new country and you’ve just left the airport. I’m not yet oriented to my surroundings in any meaningful way, and all I see are the grime-laden details: the much-in-need-of-maintenance lawns and gardens; wow, there seems to be a LOT of stray dogs around here; hey, who knew car horns could be used like that; someone still hasn’t taken their trash out (but it must’ve been an awesome party!).

While the stamps on my passport show where I’ve been, if I’m very lucky then there might also be a visa or two confirming a couple of bright lights in the distance: a rough outline of places I’m heading and things I’ll be doing.

But as for a bird’s eye view of the upcoming landscape, forget about it. I’m as clueless as a baby. I mean, I didn’t even know I was going to be a yoga teacher til half-way through last year, and that was after I’d been doing the course for six months!

However, I’m pretty good at the retrospective. Hoo-yeah! So, as we near the ass-end of the year I can name the word that illustrates my 2010 with stunning precision: Consolidation.

Last year (2009) was the year of Return, or perhaps Re-birth. This year with my newly acquired status as a yoga teacher, and someone who has pretty much conquered (so it seems) her PTSD flashbacks, and with her depression on a very tight and well managed leash… I’ve begun to feel stronger.

Like a human being who possibly has a future, with things to dream about that might actually happen. Honestly, I can’t explain how astonishing that feels.

As for this time next year and what I’d like my word for 2011 to be, see paragraphs 1-4 above.

Although just to take a punt, let’s go with: En-route.

::

Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?
~ December 2 prompt

Besides my old friend Procrastination (and yours too, probably)… overwhelm is the main issue with establishing an everyday writing practice. It manifests sneakily in a range of distractions – too tired, too lazy, too busy, etc, etc – but underneath it all is that slithery fear of too much information.

Sometimes I just don’t want to process stuff by writing about it. Sometimes that makes me feel tired, if you know what I mean? It feels like I’m getting too stuck in my head and a better alternative might be to go for a walk, y’know?

Problem is that if I don’t write frequently enough I get a little case of writer’s constipation going on. The works get all backed up with words unwritten and while there’s plenty to say, the words no longer flow freely.

So I think if I can be disciplined enough to write a few paragraphs a day, I’ll strike a balance there. It’s not like they all have to get published or anything (good god, no! You don’t want to see some of the shite that ends up in my writing files!). But just to y’know, keep the plumbing in good working order, I think I just need to get it down.

And that’s my plan!

::

Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?
~ December 5 prompt

People in both my online and real life lives. People who weren’t for one reason or another, quite the right fit.

Something you should know about me is this: generally I’m one of the most loyal hard-to-shake friends you can imagine. Smack me down a few times and even then I’ll stick by you. If I call you friend, you can expect me to remember your birthday even if you don’t remember mine. I’ll go to battle on your behalf if required, all guns blazing!

And yet, this year I’ve begun noticing my own energy levels more clearly. For whatever reason some people are much more of a drain than others, and not just once but every time we interact.

Had a disagreement with a friend in the first half of this year and we didn’t talk for a few weeks. But I only noticed that towards tail-end of it all and I thought, Well, I actually haven’t missed spending time with her.

So the people I’ve let go of this year are those that aren’t in harmony with where I’m at and probably where I’m going. It’s not about fault or finger pointing, not at all.

Like leaves floating down a stream, we might find ourselves travelling down same or separate rivulets. Maybe later we’ll find a confluence of flow that draws us back into each other’s spheres. And maybe then, we’ll meet and smile at each other and say, how nice to find you in this space and time. Gimme a hug!

Then, maybe it’s not so much people I’m letting go of, as it is holding on to old patterns that include certain ways of interacting with others in my life.

And my wish for myself and others is for old hurts to be washed away so that when we do meet again, it’s as if it’s for the first time.

::

~ Svasti

#reverb10 – a community quilt

Tags

bejewelled inner nature, benevolence, Blogging, Community, haven, kirtan, Lonliness, Love, overflow station, patchwork quilts, PTSD, purging, rejection, self-preservation, teetering, Twitter, virtual world, Writing, Yoga

Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?
~December 7th writing prompt

Sometimes it’s what I crave more than anything else – a sense of belonging to a place, to people. That I’m somehow important enough to someone that we don’t go more than a day or two without talking or hanging out.

This hasn’t been my experience of life in recent times. And while I crave this thing, I very much feel the ringing absence of it all and I wonder how it’ll ever be any different. So I do what I always do, and hunker down close to the things I know. And that can be lonely, but at least there’s no feeling of rejection there. Just… space.

I’ve watched my idea of community change a whole bunch in the last few years, as much as I’ve experienced it shrinking then growing again in unexpected ways.

Before 2010 I spent so long hiding away from everyone, licking my wounds in private and slowly losing touch with those who might care.

Mostly just because it was easier than saying things like:

Yes, I was assaulted. I wasn’t raped, just beaten up. And even though it only happened once, I somehow developed Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and depression – and I’m way more surprised about that than you’ll ever be. I’m also highly embarrassed and pretty messed up. Actually, I’m really fragile in lots of ways and it can be so much effort just being out around other people, frightening me with their mysteries. Sometimes, I even consider committing suicide because constantly living in terror and having flashbacks is both exhausting and soul-destroying.

If only I could’ve said those words: they needed to be said in order to feel like I was heard. Seen. But I couldn’t, of course. Mostly because I didn’t even know what was going on for a while. Then, once I did, it wasn’t like I suddenly felt the urge to share. So my community grew small. Smaller. Smallest. Gone.

Then a flicker of life, the tiniest of sparks came back to me when I began blogging in 2008, kick-starting the process of purging sticky toxic grime from the insides of my skin.

Silently (to those not in the know) and wordfully, I published my screams and terrors and found others like me: teetering on the edge of our own extinction and yet somehow finding the strength to fight back.

Throughout, I’ve gathered my online community like the cosiest of patchwork quilts, adding another patch here and there. Creating comfort and warmth.

Some have been with me from the start, or shortly thereafter. Others are more recent. They’ve either discovered me, or I came across them – it matters not. In each other we’ve recognised the reflection of our bejewelled inner nature… we salute another solid gold soul and each and every one of you (and there are many) make me happy. Your benevolence gleams brightly in my eyes and heart.

Twitter has enhanced the sharing and further developed these friendships. I’ve even been emboldened to meet a few of my blog and Twitter friends, which has been just like I expected: in the flesh, people I’ve known and loved online and from afar are as marvellous as I imagined (oh yes, you are).

I don’t really understand how it works – but all these people I would never have met or known otherwise are now a part of my life in one way or another, and that seems mightily precious and special. How did you get here? I’m not too sure, but get here you did. Thank you for that!

My online life has been one of safety. It’s allowed my writing skills to grow, and created a haven of protection for the things I’ve had to say. My blog friends have helped me understand that no matter what I’ve shared, I am loved anyway. That is inexpressibly invaluable because it’s not something I’ve had in spades very often.

Words that might never have passed my lips any other way have escaped as pixels on a page and were launched into the stratosphere via WordPress. They’ve gained freedom from the prison of my inner world and in doing so, helped very much to change my own perspective on my experiences. It’s kind of magical in a way!

My blog has changed over the last two and a half years. It used to be just about purging the grief, anger and horror from my lungs, my heart, kidneys and all those other great hiding places within.

Now, I balance writing on mental health topics with my ever unfolding interest and love of yoga. And in this I’ve found new friends – more treasured patches for the quilt!

Then, my online world started spilling into the non-virtual in other ways. Someone suggested I use a service called Meetup.com to find local interests (and therefore people). Which is how I found the kirtan group I’ve been a part of since late last year. More about kirtan in another post very soon!

This year the dynamics have changed – a core group of us became not just people who meet up once a month to chant, but suddenly we had each other’s phone numbers and email addresses and outside that original circle, friendships are slowly growing.

But I can be hesitant to allow people into my life. The only time that’s different is those lightning moments where the spark of knowing transcends any sense of social awkwardness. Instantly, a stranger and I are friends and it’s always been that way, will always be that way.

Mostly though, it doesn’t happen like that (except for when it does).

This is how I’d like my community to grow in the coming year: I still need my online safety net – in some ways it’s the overflow station for all the things I can’t/don’t want to say or do elsewhere. But I’d like to find a way to prise open my stringent self-preservation a little. Crack the corner a bit and let myself out to play with abandon.

I suspect I might not have any choice about this anyhow – being nudged by the universe as I am to teach yoga more and more. And the more I teach, the more I’m lovingly forced to open. Don’t think I can actually teach any other way.

Community isn’t just about what you get from others – it’s something you contribute to and help create. And I think it’s coming for me, as I am for it.

Love. I have lots of it to share and I hope y’all out there are ready for it…

~Svasti

Just a short announcement

Tags

#reverb10, December, reflection, Twitter, Writing

Y’know, I really should’ve done this when I first started my blog: I’ve now created a separate Svasti account on Twitter – feel free to connect with me there. I’ve already started following people I know via this blog but don’t be shy!

I suppose I didn’t really think about the cross-over between my nom de-plume and my real life, and those people on Twitter who know me from my real life (including work colleagues).

For my day job, I work in the digital media industry – and everyone’s on Twitter! Thing is, I don’t really want my very personal blog crossing paths with my professional life. Not at this point in time anyway.

By the time I did think about this little conflict of interests, I kinda figured it was all a bit too late! And I’ve just avoided using Twitter to talk about this blog.

But I’ve now created a separate Twitter account so I can feel comfortable tweeting about what I’m writing. And this is especially the case because I’ve just signed up (albeit a few days late) to #reverb10.

All of this is part of my plan to start getting a bit braver and louder about my writing. As is #reverb10, which is a daily writing challenge for the month of December, and provides writing prompts to help writers reflect on this year and the one ahead.

So this month, you may notice a bit of a ramp up from me in terms of post numbers. But I promise I’ll try to keep my #reverb10 posts short, and there’ll be other stuff in between.

Also… there’ll be another post before the end of today, to wrap up this one.

Hope you’re all enjoying your weekend!

~Svasti xo

(Who is terribly behind on her Christmas shopping)

Synchronicity of hurt

Tags

Depression, Everybody Hurts, Friends, Healing, PTSD, R.E.M., Writing

Brooks wrote a post about how people don’t realise the depths of another person’s pain, and Melinda’s latest post is about the process of writing her book, and how it’s taking a toll on her. She also mentioned how hard it must be for her mother (as the book’s editor!) to read the details of what she went through. No kidding!

And last week I was the recipient of an apology from one of my lovely friends  – C – in Sydney. I had no idea why she was telling me she was sorry, and what was upsetting her so much.

The cause? As it turns out, my desire to let her in on my recent triumph. I wanted to share it with her because I knew how awesome she’d think it was!

During the worst of my depression, PTSD and residing in the hell that my life had become… along with another really good friend, she was one of the best and most willing listeners among my friends and family. With the love they both offered, they gave me room to breathe. They made it okay for me to feel like a complete and utter mess and they didn’t ever make me feel like they wished the process of hurting and healing would just hurry up!

But what I didn’t realise is that when I sent C to read that post, she also read a whole bunch more! When I first started this blog, I gave some of my friends the URL (including C) but I guess most of them didn’t keep reading. Which is cool with me, but now she has read a LOT about what happened and she was horrified.

I didn’t know how bad it was for you. I didn’t get it. I should have done more!

She was pretty distressed. She thought she’d been a bad friend, but when I explained to her that actually, she was one of the few people who’d really been willing to listen, she was shocked.

It’s not easy to share exceedingly painful things. I told C that at the time I couldn’t talk about it properly with anyone, and that was one of the main reasons I started this blog. Saying it out loud was too scary, too extreme and too real. Don’t get me wrong – writing about it was hard, too. But in a much more manageable way.

So I think it goes both ways. We want people to understand us and support us through our pain. But how could I really express the terror of PTSD when I didn’t know what was happening to me? I could barely cope with thinking about the events of that night, so how could I tell someone else about the details that haunted both my dreams and waking state?

In short – if I can’t properly express what’s going on for me, how can my friends know how to respond?

If I’ve learned anything from the last five years, it’s that no one else is responsible for taking care of me. Even when I’m falling apart, even when I can barely function, even then… it’s my job to get the help I need. It’s my job to tell people if I need their support. And I’ve learned not to blame anyone for not responding in the way I think they should. Because we are all human, with our own frailties and weaknesses. And like the song says, everybody hurts sometimes.

~Svasti

Tiggers like to bounce

Tags

bouncing, Copywriting, Creative Writing, excitement, freelancer, Incredible Dateless Wonder, maiden voyage, Melbourne, professional writer, skipping, Success, Tigger, TomKat, Writing

Well, it might be all grey skies in Melbourne right now, and yes, unfortunately we do have TomKat in residence, but regardless, I’ve been wearing a bit of a grin in the last week.

And no, it’s not because I’ve broken my Incredible Dateless Wonder streak (geez, I only wish!!).

BUT… I’m now officially a paid freelancer. My first copywriting gig is in the bag. Done and dusted. I’m so excited!

It was so nerve-wracking, taking that maiden voyage. Sure, it’s only copy and not a novel or anything, but hey – people still either like it or they don’t (read fear of rejection).

Feedback was slow initially, but then I was told ‘the work is good’ by my contact (the one I got the job through). While I’d submitted what I thought would be a first draft with several revisions to come, she tells me they only had minor changes because they really liked it! She then went on to ask me to submit my invoice.

My very first ever invoice as a professional writer. Yippee!

That day, I kinda walked down the street with a bit of a strut. Half not quite believing it, and half doing my best to not skip like a five year old child.

I know, it’s not really a huge deal in the greater scheme of things, but it is for me! Validation in the form of people valuing my writing and paying me for it!!

Then today I got a really nice email from the CEO of the foundation, which went something like this:

…thank you for the work you put in on the wording for our fundraising flyer, it was very much appreciated.

We made a couple of structural changes but in essence kept your wording and the basic flow of what you had put together.

It is now with our creative guys to find a way to structure the flyer so that it flows from page to page and has the desired emotive impact. We will keep you informed as we go along and will ensure we get you a copy of your handiwork when it is finished.

If we need some additional creative writing in future we will be very happy to give you a call…

TEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!!!

So I tweeted my excitement and in reply my contact tweeted “…signing your cheque prompted it!”

Signing my cheque, eh???

Why, thankyouverymuch!!

Which means very shortly I’ll be able to pay my yoga teacher the outstanding course fees I owe, and a few other bills I’ve been putting off.

All courtesy of my creative writing skills.

I can’t quite explain how that makes me feel… it’s rather empowering and really FUN earning money doing something I enjoy. And via my own steam, too.

It’s very exciting that they said they’d use my services again too, and who knows (the fates willing) where things will lead from there?

So I’ve been doing a little bounce or two, and a skip and a dance (when no one’s looking) and wow, just enjoying my self-made moment of success.

As soon as I get a PDF of the finished flyer (artwork being done by a design agency), I’ll post it here.

WHOOHOO!!!  :D

~Svasti