Wisdom, moments & wonder #reverb10

Tags

#reverb10, aliveness, giggled, girl over my shoulder, It’s all about the yoga, musty carpet, oral transmission, service work, volunteering, Wisdom, wonder, Yoga, Yoga teacher, yoga teaching

Another compilation for y’all, out of order in my typically shambolic style…

Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?
~ December 10 prompt

Stepping out to teach yoga! I was terrified after I received my qualifications – HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BECOME A YOGA TEACHER?!?!

In the small hours of the day, I sometimes considered just letting it slide. I knew heaps of people who completed their yoga teacher training and then never taught. So why should I?!!

Regardless I took the steps, thinking I suppose I should at least give it a go. So I got my papers in order, applied for YTAA (Yoga Teachers Association of Australia – now Yoga Australia) membership. Got my public liability insurance. Thought and thought about a business name, then threw out all of my ideas and came up with a completely different one several months later.

I did all of that, and still didn’t have a class to teach!

But doggedly, I followed my instincts which told me how I wanted to begin my teaching career – working as a volunteer teacher for the disadvantaged. I thought it’d be awesome to offer some yoga for free to people who need it while building my teaching skills at the same time. Somehow I made it happen, and I’ve written about my yoga teacher experiences a bit. Here’s a handful of those posts:

• A teacher-y thing
• Yoga, Grace and time out
• Gettin’ in the groove
• Fishing in the universe’s ocean

Before I became a yoga teacher, I had a lot of trouble imagining myself as one. But I reckon that’s because I didn’t understand what sort of teacher I was going to be.

I’ve discovered that for me, teaching yoga is service work – no more or less.

It’s not like I’m some kind of authority figure up the front of the room commanding people to move their bodies. Instead, I see it more like a partnership. We work together and we laugh. I am honest and speak to my students as friends, not supplicants.

What I’ve learned from all of this however is that in order to become a teacher, you simply have to get out there and teach. There’s nothing your yoga teacher training course can help you out with on that front, except more contact hours as a student teacher. GO FORTH AND TEACH, I SAY!!

To date, this work of becoming a yoga teacher is the most enriching thing I’ve ever done for myself! So you could say it’s playing out just fine…

::

Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colours).
~ December 3 prompt

That very first yoga class I taught. Okay, the first one where people actually turned up! 😉

The experience of planning that session, agonising over the sequence of asana and further agonising over whether anyone would turn up this time made my belly flip-flop. Little summersaults of nervousness and excitement! I was up late the night before just making sure what I was planning made sense, much as the six year old me hated going to bed on Christmas Eve.

Everything had been donated. My time, the yoga room, the mats. I’d cycled a few kilometres from my place to the venue with the mats in my pannier bags, turning up ridiculously early. The room itself was upstairs at the back of an old heritage building-turned-art-gallery and despite windows in three walls, the space reeked of musty carpet and neglect.

Never mind, I’d brought incense and candles and music and we’ll generate our own vibe. Waiting nervously, and going through the sequence again and waiting some more to see who’d appear at the door.

There they were! We began, talking about yoga in general terms, a few announcements and before I knew what was happening, I was instructing people in yoga!! Who me?? Or, perhaps not me. Not the nervous/concerned person who stumbles over her own words but some other version, reliant on many years of gathered knowledge.

Get this – it worked! I didn’t just survive teaching that first solo/un-monitored class. I rose up and met the energy required to do the work.

Afterwards, I can’t tell you how much I giggled and felt overwhelmingly free. Light, like I could float back home instead of cycling there.

I think it’s that moment of sharing something and seeing the acknowledgement and understanding sink in. They actually get what I’ve shared. FUCKING AWESOME!

I mean, isn’t that what life is all about?

::

Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?
~ December 4 prompt

Same-same-same-same – the very reason I grouped these three prompts together.

It’s all about the yoga!

Every time I step out on the mat as a yoga teacher I feel wonder at what I’m becoming – whoever this confident and self-assured person is, she sure doesn’t resemble the girl over my shoulder of recent history. New things are being forged: new things, new limbs, new words and shoulders rolled back further than before, chin up.

This teaching gig is an ongoing learning process – how I speak, move, and interact with those who participate in my classes. And it’s an honour and a blessing to be able to share yoga like this!

My last teaching gig for this year was a beginners class a couple of weeks ago. We were doing some of the Pawanmuktasana series – very simple movements that are exceptionally good for the joints (key for flexibility) and digestive system.

I noticed one of my students absent-mindedly staring at the roof while she worked. She looked bored. Hold your horses, lassie!!! I stopped the entire class.

No. It’s not yoga if you’re only going through the motions. Look at your knee as you move it. Breathe with each movement. Engage the mind in what you’re doing, don’t let it wander!

We started again and they seemed to get it – that presence is required, no matter how simple the asana.

And in that very brief exchange, if maybe even one of those students heard me just a little bit then I’ve made a difference. Which totally rocks, right? Here I am, participating in this ongoing tradition of oral transmission, something that’s been going on for hundreds and perhaps thousands of years.

Let’s face it: that is just freakin’ cool, everybody! Am I right?

::

~Svasti xo

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#reverb10 – Yes, I’m beautifully different

Tags

#reverb10, Amazon, Amazonian-built yogi, beautifully different, differentness, existence, God, hour glass figure, Kali, Kinesiology, Mother Earth, mundane, overlay of otherness, physical presence, physique, practical world, quirkiness, Shiva, swimmers shoulders, Universe, Yoga teacher

Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.
~ December 8 prompt

For everything about me that’s the same as someone else, there’s a bunch of things that aren’t. I mean, we all have the same experience of being alive to a certain extent, but its how we process, interpret and consider those experiences that create a sense of differentness.

Ultimately of course, that’s all just cosmetic if you buy into the idea (and I do) that we’re all part of the same creative intelligent force (e.g. God, Shiva, Kali, Allah, Mother Earth etc) that causes the world and universe to exist.

As I like to say: God’s in everything, even the damn toaster. But then, in this conditioned experience of existence, I’m definitely NOT the toaster. Right? Oh geez, I hope not!

So yes, there are things about me that are different to most. Here’s a sampler for ya!

My body

At 5’10.5”, broad swimmers shoulders, an hour glass figure and just… generally bigger than most – I stick out. It’s something I’ve railed against for most of my life and it even came up in my most recent kinesiology session. I want to accept that my body will never blend in with the crowd, but it’s a tough gig.

Recently I commented over at Curvy Yoga: We who do not match up with the oft-projected image of how women should look need to take counsel amongst our own, and find role models that demonstrate positive acceptance of our shape and size.

I cannot change my height, the breadth or width of my ribcage, or the width of my shoulders. All of these things make me larger than the average woman. As one of my exes once said “you’re the same proportions of most other women, but just magnified”.

I am an Amazon. No matter how much I diet, even at my thinnest healthy weight, this is always the case. Being different like that is difficult in so many ways, and the best way to learn acceptance is to start being positive about myself and others who fall into that category.

That same ex once said that he was amazed to notice how people make way for me when I enter a room. I’ve been told I have a strong physical presence and I guess that’s a good thing although it’s hard to accept when for so much of my life, people have pointed and stared, sometimes even groped.

My non-typical yoga teacher physique

Following on from that, I really like demonstrating that yoga isn’t just for the waif-thin and uber-flexible (although I guess I AM pretty flexible).

There’s no criteria for being a yoga teacher other than your love of yoga, dedication and desire to share what you know. It’s not about how you look and never should be – not for the students or the teacher.

A by-product of yoga is the increase in suppleness, flexibility and strength. And okay, your body might start looking better than it has. BUT there’s no magic recipe.

So I’m doing my bit as an Amazonian-built yogi!

Quirkiness

There’s a general quirkiness to me that you might not pick up on first viewing. Amazonian-ness aside, I look pretty normal!

What are you doing, one of my yoga students asked me as I stood outside before class.

Oh, just talking to the birds in the trees. I’ll talk to any animal really… we both giggled.

As long as you don’t expect them to talk back, she offered. I wisely held my tongue! 😉

Look, I live in the practical world as much as I can but there’s ever an overlay of otherness for me. I smell, hear, see and feel it. Call me crazy if you like, but I’ll talk to that tree over there. I’ll have a conversation with the rain and I’ll make a decision about what I’m teaching in a yoga class based on the vibe I get from the air.

This quirk-streak colours my view of the world and consequently feeds my writing and the words I choose, my yoga, the way I ride my bike and the things I make for my nieces.

But actually, I suspect all creative types have their own kind of overlay on the mundane, fueling their vision and creations. Otherwise, where else does it come from?

Really, that’s just a sample of my own personal brand of madness. There’s much more for people to discover if they dare!

Now, tell me some of the ways in which YOU are beautifully different… I dare ya!

~Svasti xo

P.S. You might notice I’m in catch-up mode right now for #reverb10… I’ve got a few more posts a-coming and I’ll try to keep them snappier. 😀

Gettin’ in the groove

Tags

beginners luck, Big Scary Idea, chanting, Depression, fraud, groove, Heart, in the zone, Meditation, pranayama, PTSD, teacher training, Yoga, Yoga In Daily Life, Yoga teacher, yoga teacher groove

Anahata Om Mani Padme Hum - by Gabriela Pomplova

Had quite the magnificent day yesterday. Can you guess why? Well, in part it’s down to some glorious sunshine-y Spring weather and then, uhhh, I’ve been talking an awful lot about yoga lately, haven’t I?

*grins*

Might’ve also mentioned in a recent post that I’ve been having a little trouble fully getting into yoga teacher mode.

Honestly, it’s been quite confronting for me to step up to the front of the room. The practice classes we did in teacher training were very helpful, and then teaching the volunteer classes has considerably increased my comfort level.

BUT it’s important for me to remember that really, this time last year I was still struggling with depression. I’d rather narrowly overcome to desire to end my own life (this is despite being in yoga teacher training!) and it was only around February 2009 that I’d found a release from the torment of PTSD.

Thing is, that some of those patterns of behaviour stuck around even as I started to feel much better. And they’ve been quite difficult to kick. Because I’ve spent the last five or so years trying to make myself small (tough job when you’re as tall as I am!) and invisible. I’ve grown accustomed to not making eye contact, and avoided drawing attention to myself. It’s how I got through all those years of mind-bendingly awful times. It still feels safe to try to be small and unnoticed, you see.

BUT…

As yoga teacher training progressed, it dawned on me (doh!) that I’d have to stand up at the front of the room, having all eyes on me and talk people through a yoga class. I also realised I’d have to make eye contact and possibly even physical contact with people I didn’t know!

So my very first attempts at leading a yoga class were hilarious (in retrospect). My voice wobbled all over the place. I couldn’t think of what to say to help transition someone from one asana to the next.

I felt like a fraud.

Who did I think I was, trying to be a yoga teacher? Such a Big Scary Idea!

The feeling of being a fraud has stayed with me, even though there’s plenty of evidence to the contrary. Sure, I organised my volunteer classes – and believe me it took a LOT of effort to make ’em happen.

But I found myself skimping on preparation time! It was as if I was scared of what it might mean if I was very organised and well-rehearsed. Kinda like I was setting myself up to fail (allowing me to continue to believe I am indeed a fraud!).

Funny thing happened though – somehow I pulled off those under-prepared classes anyway! I still seemed to know what to do and what to say. Of course, because I hadn’t done proper preparation, I told myself that I was still faking it. Perhaps, I’d whisper to myself, I’d just had beginners luck?

Friday night I was terrified as I prepared my lesson plan for Saturday’s class. I started on it late, procrastinating. Which meant I stayed up late to finesse it, making sure I knew exactly what I was doing.

Why all the preparation this time, huh? I was VERY excited to be teaching at Yoga in Daily Life – which is a traditional-style yoga school, akin to my own training. There’s no issue with adding in chanting, meditation or pranayama… that’s just how the school does things anyway (little skip of joy from me!).

There was a small but respectable turn out of five people – one of whom had seen a tweet I’d sent out about the class and came along based on that (cool, eh?).

And there were a few moments in the class where I noticed something… a change in myself. But was it really even a change? It’s hard to say. However, the second I paid attention to it, I almost panicked and lost the yoga teacher groove it seems I’d entered. So I had to relax and let go again… just let it all unfold and stop thinking too much. Just do. Just like with asana.

What happened as a result was this: Some of my students had conditions or injuries they confided in me about. Another asked me a question about the “popping” noise of the joints, which I fluidly replied to. My instructions for asana were smooth, confident sounding and well… a little inspired at times (where DO some of those words come from, eh?). I timed the class very well, and also added five minutes extra on the end to fit in a little more sitting.

The class went VERY, VERY WELL!

As we finished and I chatted to the students, I was amazed as they thanked me for the class. You see, I’m still at the point in my teaching where I feel like thanking them for turning up! Hehehe!

And as I was packing and locking up (after a little impromptu private practice in the empty studio), I found myself both grinning and leaking tears.

I then spent most of the day feeling all joyous and smiley and just… in the zone. What zone is that, anyway??

Well. I think I’ve worked it out… as I taught, my mind wasn’t in charge of the words I was saying… instead, they were flowing from the heart!

This must be something experienced yoga teachers get used to, but I think it was really the very first time for me today. Or at least, the first time I really noticed it and let the flow just do its thing.

I feel so very blessed.

And today I’m going to visit my sweet little nieces. Have a fabulous day everyone!

~Svasti xo

So what’s next, Universe? I don’t hear you so well these days…

Tags

AC joint, faintly drawn shadows, half-life, Happy Hour, Healing, leather couches, life raft, physio, pranayama, rehab, Shiraz, travelling gypsy insanity, Universe, Yoga teacher

Skewers of pain – the size and shape of knitting needles – seared the bones, joints and soft tissues of my shoulder, as I barely succeeded in not swearing at and/or punching my physio in the face. He left the AC joint alone last night and worked some other areas that clearly needed it… and yeah I know, rehab is a perfect opportunity to apply pranayama to the ‘real world’, although it actually isn’t such a peaceful experience when you’re being excruciatingly assaulted like that. Even if it is voluntary and part of the healing process. Yikes!!!

About the only thing I could think to do next was order a Happy Hour $2 glass of tasty Shiraz at the teensy little bar (which looks like it belongs in Europe and not downtown Prahran) with the fabulously quirky music, just half a block down the street. I wandered into its miniscule back room clutching my wine glass and a trashy escapist novel to sit in the booth with the red lighting and leather couches. Really, I just wish I knew what the heck the universe had in store for me other than this.

This… strange half-life I seem to be living. Alive, awake, mostly taking care of myself, socialising with people without really having a lot of close friends (at least not locally). Sometimes working and sometimes not. Almost a yoga teacher, but even that isn’t going to come easily, apparently (see below).

And then, some weird teasingly curious possibility. One that might not even come to pass. Yet there it is, whispering of its own strange potentiality from the other side of the world. Might as well be in another galaxy, really. Of course, it’s not even a definitely maybe situation. Only a possibly maybe one. And I don’t let myself hope (not yet), because it sounds vaguely like something I might really like and I’m superstitious like that. But more on that ONLY if anything actually comes into being beyond the current faintly drawn shadows.

It could mean more adventure, more change, more travelling gypsy insanity (which seems to sit very well with my constitution even if there’s a part of me that really wouldn’t mind settling down. Because another part of me just wriggles and laughs hysterically at the very idea!).

But the truth is, I don’t know! I can’t seem to make proper sense of my life, even though sometimes I feel like I’m heading in the right direction. I feel like I lost the really strong connection to my life’s path many years ago, and now I’m having trouble receiving those memos. Okay, sometimes they’re crystal clear and others… well, I feel like I’m on a life raft in the middle of an ocean and not even a speck of land in sight.

Perhaps that’s just where I’m meant to be right now? I figure it can’t always be like this (because it’s no place to really live a life), but it sure seems like I’ve been on this raft for quite a while now…

Last Saturday I was all excited about my first day as a real live yoga teacher, and about helping other people. People who can’t normally afford yoga classes and who actually, possibly need yoga more than others. Then, we all need yoga in my humble opinion (even if we don’t want it)!

So the night before, I packed the pannier bags of my bike, all full up with yoga mats.

And I get up early to run through my plans for the class. I cycle over and arrive EARLY (which is quite a spectacular thing for me to achieve).

And I expect them to be possibly a little bit late. But the joke is on me because no one arrives.

Despite the phone enquiries I’d received and the promotion of the classes through the social service agency network, NO ONE. Not a soul. Free yoga and no one wants it? Yeah, I’d heard my Guru speak about things like this. All those times when he offered free teachings and no one showed up…

I stayed for a while, going through my class plan again. Just for the practice and because well, perhaps someone would show up really late.

But no.

Thing is, I can’t say I wasn’t warned because I was. I knew this whole scheme of mine was a bit of a gamble. Most of the activities they run happen during the weekdays and in the 9-5 timeframe. But because I work (or plan to be working) those hours, I can’t commit to a daytime weekday gig.

I was warned that without social workers around to encourage them to go, it could be hard for them to manage to leave the house. And I get that. I’ve personally acquired a rather intimate understanding of depression and anxiety and the need to dig in right where you are – safe in your home.

I tried really hard not to feel bad about it. I didn’t take it personally or anything but I’ll admit my disappointment. There I was, finally ready to teach and… nothing. Haha! The universe and it’s games!

Also, I still have no job, although there’s a couple of prospects. But those prospects are taking a while to work through the process… There’s a little bit of temp work but not much, and I’m doing everything I can to save money, which means a bit of an empty social life!

Everything right now seems to be a struggle. Not in a depression, can’t get out of bed kind of way, but I really and truly feel rudderless. And I remember that for a long stretch of time in my life, that’s not how it was for me at all. I recall feeling innately alive and connected to the world and knowing very clearly what I should be doing and when. My intuition – although still doing okay sometimes these days – always used to be red hot. Always.

I really do feel stuck in a rut and I’m not quite sure just yet, how I’m gonna get out…

Good thing I’m going to this wonderful and FULLY SOLD OUT workshop (which I wisely paid for before I was out of a job) on Saturday, huh?

~Svasti

The skinny on Shadow Yoga – part 2

Tags

Asana, dandasana, glowing, Hatha yoga, philosophy, Prasarita Padottanasana, Shadow Yoga, Shandor Remete, virasthana, Yoga, Yoga teacher

[Read part 1 first]

Have you ever considered your body’s limitations as ‘just how things are?’, only to discover that it’s not really true? It was never true; but it’s just what we thought of ourselves and our body. Yet, despite that realisation, we still give little consideration to our other limitations – of the body or mind.

And I’m not just talking about lack of flexibility in your hips (for example). I mean, things like… the physicality of ankles that seemingly do not touch when you’re seated in dandasana (feet straight out in front of you). How can that change when its about how your body is made? Or do you just *think* that’s how it is on a very deep level?

My body aches desperately from the very hard work asked of us. Even with movements I dread because I can’t quite do them properly and because they require much strength, I’m willing to try again and again. In this, I found that what I think I know about my body is shifting. And I realised it wasn’t my body being built a certain way that stopped me – it was just my thoughts that said so.

Right in the moment when I realise this, I leap ahead of where I thought I was at to discover the truth. My body wants to weep while it celebrates, too…

~Notes from an immersion, January 2010

Shadow Yoga was developed by Shandor (Zhander) Remete – he has a background in Iyengar Yoga and martial arts, but developed the Shadow Yoga practice and philosophy from reading early Hatha Yoga and Tantrik texts. All of these influences can be observed in the practice, but Shadow Yoga is something else again.

When first coming to the practice, everyone learns a series of “warm up” exercises, as shown in the video below. While some of these actions may appear simple and unimportant, they in fact establish patterns of movement that are important later in the practice.

Now, because Shadow Yoga is so complex, I’ve decided to use the format of a very traditional way of teaching Tantrik philosophy – with an outer, inner and secret meaning (where secret just means hidden or less obvious) – to describe what I know so far.

(This is just a way to help me organise my thoughts on various aspects of the practice a little better!)

Also, please note that the below observations are from my experiences – what I’ve been taught and what I’ve learned. I reserve the right to update this list at any time if what I learn changes over time 🙂

• Outer – Including: set forms of movement and asana; a focus on correct movement of joints and limbs; pre-asana asana (that help you do asana correctly and without injuring yourself); building physical strength; and learning to move without forcing yourself, because this is not a competition…
• Inner – Including: a strong focus on breath work and correct use of Uddiyana bandha, (Bandhas = locks, there are four of them and Uddiyana is the abdominal contraction) which is practiced every class and eventually there’s meant to be a 1:1 uddiyana contraction with each movement. Everything about the practice is designed to reduce excess apana vayu, which is the energy/chi responsible for processes of elimination in the body. This correlates to toning of the digestive system, increased agni (digestive fire) and increased flexibility of one’s joints (ankles, wrists, hips etc).
• Hidden – This is the hardest part to describe accurately, because it’s going to be different for everyone. But to summarise, I’d say it involves the deconstruction of physical, energetic and emotional limitations, resulting in all kinds of experiences that may or may not seem related at the time.

For example(s):

One class, I vomited part of the way through, but not because of anything I ate! Other times I’ve simply found tears rolling silently down my face. And I can’t count the number of classes I’ve walked out of at the end and found myself unsure of who or what I am. Or I realise part way through that my feet or the crown of my head are tingling wildly.

Note: as stand-alone experiences, none of what I described in the last paragraph is important. It’s not like I’m all whooo, I’ve just had a “mystical experience”, let’s burn some incense and talk about it… Not at all! Rather, I see them as indicators of internal activity that I sometimes barely understand the meaning of and try not to over-analyse…

These classes tend to bring on some very intense energetic, emotional and physical sensations for me. Not every single class, but a fair portion of them. And way more than any other type of yoga I’ve experienced to date. It might not be like this for other people, and some yogis may have similar experiences by doing another form of yoga all together. But for me and at least for now anyway, Shadow Yoga is the bomb.

The classes are investigative, in a way I’ve rarely come across. Sometimes we do a lot of asana and others it’s more like a workshop, a kind of question and answer session with asana in between. It’s not a class for those who wish to hide; you enter the studio to discover more about the practice each time. To break down the way you are moving and to observe others, too. A bit like a science lab instead of a competitive-who-has-the-best-asana environment.

Often I find myself thinking I won’t be able to do something we’re asked to do. It looks hard, and it is hard when each movement is being studied so intensely. But then I realise I can. Perhaps not as gracefully as I’d like at first. But eventually it comes and I am elated.

As both a yogini and a yoga teacher, my experience of Shadow Yoga is that it helps correct some long-held bad habits in my practice and invaluably, it deepens my knowledge of yoga and bodily movement. Oh yeah, and it helps me shift all kinds of suppressed energy, which can only contribute to better health (lately I get told that I’m “glowing” a lot!).

One example of this is my somewhat hyper-flexible knees. For years I simply thought I couldn’t hold prasarita padottanasana for long because it hurt my knees – a standing, deep forward bend can put a lot of pressure on them, especially those that hyper-extend. Now, whether it’s because I never really expressed my issue with this pose before or if it was just down to less than perfect instruction (and I’m sure when I start teaching, I will be guilty of this for a while!)… but for a person with crazy knees, it’s not a good idea to advise them to pull up through their hamstrings and quadriceps. That’s because the natural tendency of over-extending knees when doing so, is to lock, leading to eventual ruination!

However, one of the focuses in Shadow Yoga is releasing the body’s weight into the feet as much as possible for the entire practice. And so prasarita padottanasana transformed for me when I stopped focusing on what my leg muscles were doing (of course, they still need to work) and started focusing on my feet! Suddenly I didn’t feel like I was in a war with my knees any longer…

I consider myself to be at the beginning of some kind of very extended journey with this practice. It’s not separate from other yoga I do at all. But it is markedly different, and intense and exacting (not in an Iyengar-y kind of way) – more of a detailed under-the-microscope-study of where my body and mind are at on any given day.

And I am in awe of the power of this practice.

~Svasti

Huzzah! Here’s to flow, change & working things out

Tags

chai, Change, Depression, flow, hooray, huzzah, kirtan, mental health, physio, PTSD, Shadow Yoga, shoulder injury, Twitter, Yoga, yoga for depression, Yoga teacher

Here’s what’s going on right now: more whirring, more change and more opportunities continuing to unfold even as I don’t notice them until they are knocking on my door!

You see, I’ve worked out what was holding me back in the area of yoga teaching. Right now, I don’t want to do it for money! Well, not just yet anyway.

Let me explain – starting with today, even though of course today isn’t the first thing I’d tell you about if I was to write this story in chronological order.

Finally (and it only took me four months), I faxed (and emailed) all the documentation I needed to send in for my membership application to the Yoga Teachers Association of Australia. Hooray! Including payment of my membership fee, and by the time I got home I had an email confirming my membership number!

Double Hooray!! Which means I can now get my public liability/indemnity insurance. Which means I’m all systems go for teaching where ever and whenever.

Also, I went to see my new physio for the first time today. One I found out about via Twitter. After several sessions with my former physio I was getting frustrated when he kept insisting that my shoulder problems were actually just referred neck pain from my messed up neck. And while it’s true that I do have a messed up neck, my shoulder problems are quite specific from a bike accident I had last year (see this post: Crash). As a yogini, I’m probably more familiar with my body than many people and I wasn’t buying his diagnosis.

So I was complaining about that on Twitter, and I got a reply from some guy I’ve never met recommending another physio – someone who looks after all the circus people in Melbourne. Which sounded promising – since circus people and yogis both do relatively weird things with their body.

And yay! He was very competent and definitely thinks there’s something up with my shoulder as opposed to my neck (which has its own issues, but nothing unmanageable). After much prodding and poking, he has a working theory which will require an MRI scan to confirm or deny. And while it may require surgery – we don’t know yet and I’m not about to freak out. Whatever the deal is, I feel like I’m on my way to the correct treatment path and it will be SO GOOD to eventually have full use of my left shoulder back. Which is all good!

After the physio I met up with a new friend – a fellow yoga teacher that I met at Mark Whitwell’s workshop in February. We’ve been discussing the idea of approaching a national organisation here in Melbourne about running some free yoga and meditation classes for those with depression. We both have a history with depression ourselves, and want to give something back to the community. Also, he wanted to borrow a book and ended up borrowing two, and I scored some home-made and very nommy bliss balls!!

My physio appointment finished slightly earlier than I expected, so while I waited for my friend to pick me up, I briefly plonked myself down in a small cafe/wine bar, which didn’t seem to have a name. Bonus – during the week they have a very VERY cheap happy hour, so I downed a lovely glass of red, which set me back all of $2 (I’ll be back!). 😉

ALSO, I’ve just lined up a face to face meeting with another charitable organisation I’ve been in discussions with (via email thus far) about running some free yoga classes. I got the name of the organisation from someone in my kirtan group! This one works with “those who experience mental illness, disability, homelessness, substance abuse issues, addictions, and social and economic hardship”. I will be so happy if I can get some classes going!

There are plenty of yoga classes out there for those who can afford to go. There are even free classes at studios that offer them. But there’s a segment of the community that would probably never make it to a studio yoga class, whether it’s because of socio-economic and/or mental health issues.

And I’ve been in that place where the world seems exceptionally small and painful and feeling nourished and loved seems impossible. Except I was lucky. By the time I developed PTSD and depression, I’d had yoga in my life for many years, and it was instrumental in my recovery. However, there’s a lot of people out there who don’t have yoga, and might never try it. People who’d really, really benefit from it and not just because they want to learn to touch their toes or do a headstand.

I want to bring yoga to those people. And that’s my first order of business as a yoga teacher! Once I worked that out (it came to me in a meditation session on Monday), then suddenly everything started happening.

I’m sure I will eventually start doing some classes that I charge for. But not just yet!

Finally – tomorrow I start a new phase in my Shadow Yoga practice and it’s both exciting and the teensiest bit terrifying. After an awesome conversation on the weekend with the woman whose classes I’ve been attending, I think I might finally be ready to write more about my experiences with this intense and amazing practice.

And that’s my update for now. More to come soon, I just need to find some time (currently in short supply) to sit down and write my heart out for a bit…

~Svasti xo

Confession time…

Tags

bazillion excuses, confession, fantastic voyage, transformations, Yoga, Yoga teacher

There are things I very badly want to tell you. No wait, I want to take you with me and show you instead, perhaps sliding into some kind of fantastic voyage vehicle, shrinking us down to microscopic dimensions and go within, go deep and far. And show you on some kind of cinema screen what it is that I see – my perception of the world and how I feel moment to moment. I want you to know for yourself because it’s quite possible that my words are so dreadfully inadequate or even that I’m using the wrong ones, and that I’ll never really be able to explain in a way that reflects what’s going on. At least, what I think is going on. Heh…

I have this theory, y’see, if we could all look into each other on a cellular level like that, perhaps we’d really get that there are no differences at all from one of us to the next.

Also, it’d be a handy shortcut for my current attempts to explain the unexplainable, to express transformations that remain entirely invisible to most. Because they’ve been rocking my world drastically and yet I’m bereft of explanations that make sense, even to me.

But here once again, I will try. So please forgive my lack of flow or any sketchiness, if you’d be so kind!

And now for a diversion. A confession if you will! Because I’m gonna have to keep writing til I can find a way to grasp what it is I really need to say. But also, I suspect the content of my confession has something to do with the above, too. Right!

So here’s the thing – I’m yet to start teaching yoga as the recently qualified 500 hour Hatha Yoga trained teacher that I am.

I’ve created roughly a bazillion excuses thus far. I felt shy, presumptuous, inexperienced, and unsure of myself. I had to save the money for my Yoga Teacher Association of Australia fees (which I conveniently kept forgetting to include in my budget – it’s not that much, it’s all about the planning). I didn’t think I was good enough. I’ve never been overly popular so who’d come to my classes? I’m not great at being the person in the center of the room (unless I’m performing in a costume). I haven’t perfected every asana and that’s not good enough. I want more experience of how other teachers teach before I try…

Yeah, I’ve got a lot of energy invested in not letting myself do what I want to be doing. Even though I know (somewhere in there) I’d actually probably be good at it, possibly maybe. Sure, I’d feel a bit nervous at first but then as I built on my confidence I know I’d find my flow and ahhhh… it’s not like I think I’d be “brilliant” from the get go – I know it takes time and experience to build up one’s teaching chops. But I’d do okay, I’d find my way of teaching with my current experience and skill.

And I think I’ve even let my experience of Mark Whitwell’s workshop and the Zen retreat bamboozle me, even as I gained so very much from what I learned with them both.

I know, of course, there is no other way but to do it. To get started, advertise and lead that first class. I know that, I do… and I’m about to send off my paperwork to get registered with the YTAA and get insurance coverage and all of that (yes, I finally put it in my budget!).

But it’s like I’ve deliberately held myself back, in case I actually succeed! Because what would happen then? I’ve watched The Blisschick go about doing exactly that with her Yoga Dance classes and I’ve read her posts and tweets about how exciting it is, and how much fun she’s having and I… sit on my ass and avoid planning!

Who will I be if I start teaching yoga? Even if it’s only one class a week to begin with? Yeah, that’s kinda what’s scaring me right now…

~Svasti

On becoming a yoga teacher – part 2

Tags

Asana, Guru, Hatha yoga, initiation, Love, Sanskrit, self-confidence, self-knowledge, Yoga, Yoga teacher, yoga teacher training, yoga-ish insights, Yogini

[Read part 1 first]

It’s really only been in the last five years that I’ve started to understand yoga asana more fully. But until recently, I remained very unsure of myself as a yogini.

I can’t really explain why. I think that unlike RB sticking her hand up, my tendency has always been to shrink into the corner.

Around the time I took initiation into my Guru’s lineage, I decided I wanted to deepen my knowledge and ability with asana. But it still took me a while to do something (anything) about it.

As previously mentioned my therapist H, prompted me on what I’d like my life to look like at a time where I couldn’t see fifty meters in front of me. And surprisingly I found myself telling her I wanted to be a yoga teacher. I’d never told anyone that. Not even myself!

I signed up for the Hatha Yoga Studies Certificate course instead of the Yoga Teacher Training (YTT) even though I wanted to do the latter because I still didn’t feel ready (oh ye of little faith in oneself).

But for once I felt like I was in the right forum to ask those burning questions about asana I had trouble with. After all, I’d paid for the privilege of being in a small dedicated class where it was all about breaking down each pose and working through our challenges. For once I felt okay confiding my imperfections and getting the advice I needed to resolve them.

It was heavenly! Four to five hours of yoga – practicing asana and talking theory = my idea of a good time. Oh yeah baby!

Actually, it was only by doing the course that I realised I was ready for YTT (the two courses are identical until half-way through, so it wasn’t a hassle to switch). Still, I’m not sure I would’ve switched if I hadn’t been encouraged.

I’m deeply grateful for a number of things about my YTT.

First up, it was a 500 hour course. Not that there’s anything wrong with shorter trainings, but I really liked how that extra time allowed us to delve into some of the more esoteric aspects of yoga: the sort of stuff I’ve been studying for years and really enjoy.

Secondly, the course was paced out over almost an entire year. I know of others that are completed much more quickly! Some people even asked me why the course took such a long time to complete?! BUT there’s so much information to take in, and not just trying to memorise the Sanskrit names of asanas, or perfecting your practice (you never will!) or learning a little anatomy and physiology. Becoming a yoga teacher or any kind of teacher really… is a process. And the one important thing a process needs is time – to gestate, steep, mature, transform, explore, grow.

Also, I’m so glad I did my training at a school with heart. The heart very much comes from the woman who runs the school – M. She’s a great example of a yogini who takes her yoga off the mat and into everyday life. Not only did she help out many students who struggled financially last year (including me), but she also has a habit of donating to those in need. Something that is very close to my heart. And it shows in how she treats her students, as well as the quality of people who support her and teach there.

I learned many yoga-ish things (of course) in YTT, but also discovered a bunch of insights along the way, including:

• Flow in your yoga practice comes from confidence and self-knowledge. It’s not just about understanding how to sequence your asana. You’ve got to get a feel for what your body needs. Then, it can almost look like you’re dancing.
• Teaching yoga isn’t just about standing at the front of a class and giving instructions. It’s about making sure your students get what you’re saying. And sharing your love of yoga, your experiences and insights (where appropriate) and offering challenges for students and for yourself, too. In fact, it’s about being a human being, relating to other human beings.
• Without doubt, teaching is a learning experience. A reflection on your ability to be in the moment and put aside your issues with yourself. Because it’s not about you, the teacher, and you can’t be worried about your physical appearance or anything else while you’re teaching.
• That old maxim “those who can’t do, teach” isn’t true at all for yoga (and probably many other disciplines, too). Yoga teachers must practice yoga, must understand what they are asking others to do before they can even think of approaching the front of the room.
• Then, a yoga teacher must continue to practice – it’s not like you finish your YTT and you can suddenly do every asana perfectly! Or that once a pose is perfected, it will stay that way without effort. No way!
• Becoming a yoga teacher does not automatically make someone a perfected yogi or person: there will always be something that’s hard or seemingly impossible. Yoga teachers are simply sharing the teachings in the best way they know how, which is (hopefully) always changing and growing.
• To really teach yoga, one must attempt to remain humble and open at all times. It’s not about being an authority figure!

As well as facing down my depression and PTSD, the training also made me take a look at my self-confidence. Like… when I was first asked to practice-teach a class, I was terrified. Even if I was only working with one other person!

I was afraid of listening to my own voice, to be honest. Of sounding/feeling confident in leading someone through a sequence of poses. And of feeling comfortable enough to look someone in the eye while I instructed them in how to move their body.

It felt so intimate, and that’s because it is. It’s an extremely intimate and sensitive activity and it requires you to forget about yourself. Put aside your issues and whatever negative self-talk you usually spruik. After all, how can students in your care do the same thing for themselves if you’re busy giving yourself a hard time?

Also, putting aside your ‘stuff’ creates space for miracles to occur both for the teacher and the student. Miracles of love, of being able to master physical movements that have previously been out of reach. Allowing that open space to be free of self-doubt creates possibility…

Most of all, I think I’ve learned how to make yoga practical and doable for myself and others. YTT helped bring into focus something my Guru would tell us repeatedly: yoga isn’t about perfect form; it’s about synchronising your body and mind.

I feel that the repetition YTT over the course of an entire year is what sealed it for me. The fire was stoked in the first half of the year, lit when I switched to YTT and finally, turned into a brilliant source of light, warmth and refinement.

And now it’s up to me – what will I do with that flame? What fuel will I use to keep it alight?

That’s where I stand right now: one foot firmly on this brand new path with an open heart and a desire to share…

~Svasti

Everything is different, nothing has changed

Tags

aftershocks, Birthday, detachment, faeries riding rainbow coloured dragonflies, Mexican, muddle-headed, Pinot Noir, radically altered, self-birthday present, Shadow Yoga, tamasic, time, Yoga, Yoga teacher

Friday night I drank perhaps a couple too many of a totally lush Pinot Noir (note: too much in my books is still relatively sober for others). Alcohol and yoga don’t mix very well… seems to mess with my balance and joint flexibility. Weird but true!

Next morning I awoke another year older and feeling somewhat tamasic, but not enough to keep me lying down. See, I had work to do.

At my yoga school for the last official day of my training – a place I’ve spent nearly every Saturday of this year and many other days in between. Taught my final practice class (a little Pinot muddle-headed), and walked out with a letter in my pocket suggestively claiming I’m now officially a yoga teacher.

Weird.

Exciting.

Best. Birthday. Present. Ever.

Hung out with my fellow fledgling yoga teachers and discussed our plans for conquering small patches of Melbourne with our mad yoga skillz.

Yeah!

Ate at my local cafe and chatted to my favourite proprietor (I’m soooo brave now!), shopped and eventually wandered home to find this in my mailbox…

No silly, not the contents! Just the wrapping… (thanks Yoga Dork, and also for the little YD sticker that came in the package!) 😉

All gussied up, ate a truckload of authentic Mexican food that night (as verified by a newly acquired American friend we prevailed upon to join our little sortie).

Sunday, final Shadow Yoga class for the year, pedicure, facial (self-birthday present) and late lunch with the family, purportedly in my honour, even if I was the last to be invited (don’t ask!). Ah well, that’s how it goes here sometimes…

But actually, I’m not different to who I was yesterday (or perhaps I am?). I’ve been becoming both this age and this yoga teacher all year. Some (including me) might argue, it’s been going on for much longer than that. And yet, Saturday marked an official status for both. Curiouser and curiouser.

See, I have this theory about the passing of time, in that it doesn’t really pass at all. But then, I never quite know what to do with all that stuff that looks very much like time gone by? Maybe I’ll figure it out one day. Til then, I simply nod and smile, looking at the pretty coloured lights.

Guess the point is… I still feel like me. But the ‘me’ that I feel like was never a yoga teacher before right now. I recall the non-yoga teacher ‘me’ but she isn’t here any more… there are vast miles between the ‘me’ of five, ten, twenty years ago, and now. But would I be here if not for that person?

Ageing, I increase my happiness. My self-knowledge, self-honesty and wisdom. But was I never not this age?

There’s a quote that says something like… “you must lose yourself before you can find out who you really are”. Which I interpret as having as much to do with concepts of detachment from materialism, as it does with beginning to see the world (including oneself) as it all really is.

I’m almost certain I lived a large portion of my life in some kind of imagined version of the world, starring an imagined version of myself. It all looked pretty much like reality, but slightly veiled or tinted with imagined flourishes: perhaps a spray of violet overlaid with a mother of pearl mosaic here; a host of faeries riding rainbow coloured dragonflies over there, just beyond my very own pirate ship anchored off-shore in the distance.

And I resided as much in those flourishes as anywhere else.

Still do sometimes – I think it’s just a part of who I am. Things have always made more sense as pictures, energy and colours than in any other form. But nowadays I can see the difference, because I did it: I lost myself.

I lost who I thought I was when a fist connected with my face and the back of my head smashed into a concrete wall. All illusions were shredded as I was terrorised by a stranger I previously thought I’d known. And my view of the world altered drastically when I was more than half-convinced I was going to die… I burned and descended into hell, taking everything I thought I knew with me. Which, it seems, triggered the emergency warning signal – resulting in a re-boot of my brain and sense of self.

‘Course, I had to deal with the aftershocks and the confusion… so much confusion…

Spent four years being lost (or maybe it was much longer than that?), wandering aimlessly adrift.

But… I’m beginning to see how my new operating system works, especially now that it’s all loaded up with new programs (e.g. Yoga Teacher v1.0) and a healthy dose of (growing) confidence (note to self: must keep up maintenance on confidence!).

I’ve learned I have strengths I never imagined I could possess. And I’ve begun to understand what makes me truly, utterly and inexplicably happy. Things that make my soul sing.

So here I am. All new and yet not. Radically altered and yet the same.

~Svasti

Joyful living

Tags

bleeding from the heart, Cycling, Depression, Friends, Happiness, Jill and Kevin's wedding dance, joy, Nieces, Skiing, yoga classes, Yoga teacher

Watched this today…

Found my eyes were leaking (a bit) and I have to admit I felt a little envious of the joy being expressed.

Most of the time, we western-world folk do not express this much fun and happiness in our day-to-day lives. Or even weekly. Maybe not even monthly.

Sure, some people might. But most of us don’t due to habit, cultural acceptance, and generally because most people are bleeding from their hearts instead of singing.

Aren’t we?

We hurt, we try to keep our hurt to ourselves and we barely ever notice that everyone else around us is doing exactly the same.

This morning as I wandered around my flat getting ready for work, I realised that (for now) my interactions with depression are in recess.

I’ve got more energy than I’ve had in ages and I can actually get out of bed in the morning with relative ease. I’m starting to be much more excited about becoming a yoga teacher (OMG, I’ll be qualified at the end of the year!).

And yet, still… it’s possible to wander around and feel less than joyful for most of the day or week. Especially when doing a job I could care less about (except for getting paid).

My joy comes from my yoga classes, my nieces, cycling, and talking to my friends (most of them live far away).

But this morning I also realised I could add more joy into each day.

A little like the way BlissChick schedules time to dance regularly.

Because joy shouldn’t be something we experience infrequently like clinging to a life raft within a sea of unhappiness…

Then there’s Tricia’s latest post (a meme) – 6 things that make you happy.

There’s a world of difference between depression going away and actively seeking out the things that make you smile.

While the thrall of depression has lifted, the habits I formed to cope with that existence also need to be broken down. The staying in and not socialising. The having fewer expectations of my life. The not taking care of my appearance or what I eat. The not looking to the future… these are but a few.

In Tricia’s comments, I wrote my own 6 things that make you happy list (definitely in no particular order):

1. Thinking about becoming a yoga teacher
2. My fan girl night (meeting my celebrity crush earlier this year) – still makes me smile!
3. My glorious nieces
4. My yoga school’s spiritual home in north-east Thailand
5. Snow skiing
6. My wonderful friends (both virtual and IRL kinds)

It’s not a bad list, but if the meme had asked for 10 things, I might’ve come up a little short.

Which is ridiculous when there’s so many things to be happy about, right?

So. Here’s to the energy behind the wedding dancers in the video.

Even if we don’t actually break into dance as we wander throughour days, we each deserve the feeling that goes with this kind of celebration.

And I’ve decided the next step to climbing out of the dark, dank abyss of depression includes adding more activities into my life that are designed to tap into that kind of joy. Yes!

I’ll let you know how I go.

~Svasti