Spaciousness vs Tension

Tags

Don’t over-work, Freedom, spaciousness, strength, Stress, tension, Wisdom, yoga teaching

Enjoying a little spaciousness while I cycle...

As I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned before, sometimes the words I say when I’m teaching a yoga class seem to appear from thin air. I haven’t planned them or rehearsed them but there they are, being all reflective and wisdom-ish like.

I guess I find my inspiration for what I’ll talk about from observations of my experiences or other’s. Which are really one and the same thing. This is why I can talk of these things and be pretty sure that most people are going to relate to some of what I’m saying.

Because while we all have our own experiences, many of them are shared and/or similar enough in content to be relatable. Shareable. Yes?

So. Tuesday I got to thinking about spaciousness, and how when we tense everything up in our body or mind, there isn’t a huge amount of spaciousness going around. So over-tensing, over-concentrating, over-working, pushing yourself to the limits, killing yourself with running or gym (or intensive yoga) workouts isn’t necessarily helping you.

I told my students what I learned from having a couple of fairly respectable injuries in recent times: you don’t have to push to your edges in order to get the benefit of your yoga practice.

You can do less and it is okay. You don’t have to be sweating like a fiend or waking up sore the next day in order to build strength, stability and openness in your body.

In fact the harder you strain and over-work on strength, stability and openness in your body, the more likely you are to cause an injury. And that’s just on the physical level.

Then there’s the way that pushing too hard mentally can injure your emotional well-being. You judge yourself for not being able to do everything/as well as others in the class. You develop a mindset that says if you’re not pushing yourself to the edge, then you aren’t working hard enough and you won’t get the results you want.

None of this is true, but thinking or acting in these ways can cause physical, mental and/or emotional stress.

And stress is tension. Which makes us feel small and crowded.

But life and our body and mind, feel MUCH better when we have space. When our joints and spine aren’t compacted, we feel better. When we’ve got plenty of time to do the things we want to do, we feel better.

So we practice this in our yoga, and take this idea out into our life.

Be relaxed and comfortable in your poses. Be okay with where you’re at without pushing yourself so hard. Work effectively and functionally, but not excessively.

You will still get stronger.

You will still develop better core strength.

Your body and joints will open over time, to the degree that is possible for your body.

You will find it easier to calm your mind for meditation.

And you will be able to take this sense of calm and spaciousness out into other parts of your life.

So – work as well as you can in your yoga practice, on any given day. Do today, what is appropriate for your health and energy levels today. Do what’s appropriate for you tomorrow, when it is tomorrow. Don’t over-work. Doing your best without straining or forcing is enough.

Find ways to enjoy your practice. You develop more sensitivity and body awareness when you aren’t pushing so hard, because this leaves room to feel subtleties.

You are enough as you are (injured/sick/low energy etc), and you will get the benefits of the practice anyway.

It went something like that, anyway…

~Svasti

Re-alignment

Tags

antsy, cranky, fake it til you make it, life purpose, real yoga teachers, Stress, Teaching yoga brings me happiness, yoga teaching

Confession: since coming back from Bali I’ve been outrageously cranky. Out of sorts. Not terribly pleased.

It’s been suggested by one of my lovely friends that my holiday was simply too short, although I didn’t feel that way at the time. I really, really enjoyed my wee break to Bali.

Perhaps, I thought, it was because I’d had a taste of what I want for my future life. Yoga, yoga and more yoga in a beautiful tropical part of the world. I could see myself living there, teaching yoga.

Or, maybe it was a cultural thing? In Bali people are mindful, even if they’re harassing you to buy something or hire them as a taxi. Everything is done with a sense of politeness and respect.

Back in Melbourne, not so much. Road rage, people who bash into you with their bag or their person, and a general numbness and lack of care shown by the general population towards each other. Perhaps it was that, I thought.

Then there’s looking inwards. Any rage or unhappiness I feel is of course, emanating from within. No one causes my reactions except for me. I own it all, baby. But why now? What arked up all of this personal dissent?

It hasn’t helped that my home has been infested with tradies working on the two apartments above mine. Like cockroaches, they’re hard to get rid of. My request to not start work so very, very early in the morning (by law they can start at 7am!) with their banging and hammering and drilling… were pretty much ignored.

More – they’ve taken to openly taunting me and harassing me. Several large burly men outside where I sleep and live in the early morning. The police have been called but are useless unless something “actually happens”.

I’ve recently expressed to the body corporate, the landlord and the real estate agent that I will move out unless something can be done to manage these horribly aggressive men. We’re working on it…

This has been going on for a couple of months now, and unfortunately it’s not so great for my stress levels. And stress isn’t great for my health.

So, perhaps it was this, too. Probably. Maybe it’s an “all of the above” situation, perhaps?

Then last night happened.

The yoga school I teach at re-opened this week and I was back on for my regular Tuesday night teaching gig. Hooray!

For January we’re on a reduced timetable, so where there would usually be two classes running on  Tuesdays, for the next few weeks there’s just my class.

Usually I teach in the smaller room at the back, which holds twelve students at the most. Last night for the first time, I taught around thirty people in the main room. Some of whom usually do the intermediate class.

Whoah. The pressure. Haha.

At least I thought it’d be a little scary but I simply taught what I know, the way I usually teach. Of course I had to project my voice and look around a heck of a lot more. But it was cool.

The dynamics of large classes are different – less time to deal with people’s individual issues, not as much explanation time and wow, but the class flew!

For sure it was less intimate and although I think I prefer teaching smaller groups, it was lots of fun.

Afterwards I felt just really, really happy. Teaching yoga brings me happiness. Then I realised that the last class I taught was exactly four weeks ago. Wow. That long?

So. That’s what I’d been missing, huh?

Come February, I’ll have been teaching yoga on a weekly basis for twelve months. Before that I taught more sporadically. So teaching has become a part of my routine and my favourite part of the week. But I don’t think it’s just the routine I was missing.

It’s this: even though I know I’ve got a long way to go in my yoga teaching career, and a WHOLE BUNCH to learn… it feels like I’m doing something right.

So often in the last year I’ve questioned my teaching: I’m not a perfect yogi; I haven’t mastered every pose; my body isn’t the right shape or size; there’s heaps of poses I can’t do yet; my knowledge of A&P isn’t as deep as I’d like… so why am I teaching again?

Surely I should just leave it up to the REAL yoga teachers?

Another confession: at Nadine’s yoga teacher Christmas party in December, I very much felt like an imposter. There I was surrounded by all of these REAL teachers, hoping no one would figure out that I’m just faking it til I make it. I don’t have the same level of knowledge or experience as everyone else. WHAT AM I DOING HERE?!!

Only it seems that this teaching thing is a part of my purpose in this life. I felt it last night as I walked to the yoga school, as I began the class and all the way through. And especially afterwards. I humbly accepted compliments on the class and headed home feeling ecstatic.

And lo, all of the antsy cobwebs and crankiness of the last few weeks have vanished like magic.

Almost as if this time out and then coming back was a reminder that yeah, I AM doing the right thing. I AM in the right place, as a yoga teacher who will forever be also be a student who never feels like she’s learned everything she needs to know.

I’m not perfect, and perhaps I’m not a real yoga teacher yet. But I’m on the way, baby.

~ Svasti

Zoom zoom zoom

Tags

Bali, Birthday, flowers, Howzat, Kinesiology, new job, yoga teaching

Whoah, so how did we get to Thursday already?

While I am in fact sitting down right now, I feel like I’ve just stepped off a boat or plane or something that moves p-r-e-t-t-y swiftly. Everything that’s meant to be still is sort of pulsing and my legs are a tad wobbly. Whiplash? Might have that, too.

That’s how fast this week has travelled. And busy? Ohmigoodness.

By end of play Tuesday, I’d had two first interviews, one second interview and a job offer. Howzat for a head spin?

Seems I’m gonna have to learn how to work for a really cute boss and not get distracted. There are worse things than working with a gorgeous man, yes?

[Edit: Cute boss turns out to be a smoker. Instant de-ranking from the Cuteness Scale!]

Truthfully, I’m relieved. I honestly didn’t expect to land a job this side of Christmas let alone be asked to start before I go away to Bali (more on that next week!). They actually wanted me to start today but I needed some time to get a few things done if I’m gonna be working right up until I leave.

But then, just a couple of weeks ago I had a kinesiology session to get balanced for finding a job. The following Monday (last week) the phone started ringing off the hook!

No word of a lie.

The same week, I thought about letting go and living life the way I teach yoga. Just to see what happens.

I also had a few words with the Universe about what I really needed.

As in: I have $X in the bank and need roughly $X more in December to stay solvent. Funnily enough, with the yoga teaching, freelance work and working five days for my new employer, I think I now have that covered.

The phone kept ringing all of last week. Then an old workmate forwarded me the info about the job I’ve now been offered. An interview was organised for Monday of this week. Then a second interview Tuesday and a job offer only hours later!

In terms of what it’s paying, it’s a little bit under what I wanted. But it’s a permanent role, which is a bonus on account of the job security and not having to look for work all the time. It’ll also give me experience in a couple of areas that I haven’t touched on that much so far in my career. So I think it’s gonna be good!

I’ll work Friday-Thursday and then Friday week I’m flying away on a jet plane… then I’m not due back at work until 4^th January.

Exciting!

Also this week:

• Met with my freelance client to get her WordPress site up and running. That wee project is well underway.
• I was given flowers (photo at the top of this post) as an early birthday present from the yoga school I teach at. Totally unexpected and so sweet! Miss Cleo the cat and I are enjoying them very much.
• Got a taste of my future lifestyle as a part time yoga teacher, while working part time in the digital industry, as I did a couple of jobs for MM… Yoga! Lots of fun. 🙂
• Did heaps of running around today. Errands. Stocked up on vitamins. Bought a cheapie digital camera (since my other one bit it), plus a crazy-cheap new dress and shoes for work!

I am officially exhausted from the pace of this week and it’s very nice to be sitting still with some downtime on hand.

So I’m having an early-to-bed evening to make sure I’m all shiny and energetic for my first day at the new job tomorrow.

Wish me luck!

~Svasti

Non-attachment or advancing vs simplicity

Tags

achievement, advancing, Awareness, bakasana, Injuries, progression, Road to Nowhere, Talking Heads, Yoga, yoga teaching

Just how attached to your yoga practice, or any other practice (like art, writing etc) are you, anyway?

This is the question I’ve been facing up to lately, in the wake of my ongoing physical injuries and ill health.

Right now in my yoga practice I can’t do everything I normally would. I can’t stand on one leg, or even put too much pressure or weight onto my right leg. Heck, I’m still Ms Limpy and dealing with the strain my injury places on the rest of my body. It sucks.

Fortunately for me, the style of yoga I’m doing right now is more concerned with the gathering of energy in the body and working the kinks out of the most compressed parts of our spine, than it is with “stretching” or “getting a good workout”.

That doesn’t mean the practice isn’t a sweaty or intense one, because it can be. There’s a lot of focus on the body’s natural movement without pulling or swinging or using force to get into various poses.

My teacher (who knows what’s going on with my health and injuries) is constantly telling me to do less, be softer, and right now… to do an “appropriate” practice.

This is VERY challenging because my ego still wants to do more!

My teacher insists that I only do with the left side of my body what the right side can do. For the balance. So most of my standing postures are extremely limited and I’m trying to be okay with that and keep my frustrations in check. (There’s a small victory for my ego though, when we get to arm balance poses like bakasana – heehee!)

Of course, this is quite ironic. I often tell my own yoga students things like this:

When doing simpler movements that your mind doesn’t have to concentrate on very much, don’t start doing your shopping list in your head! These poses are just as beneficial as something you find more challenging, but they present an opportunity to learn to keep your mind with your body. So focus on your breathing. Look at your body and what it’s doing. Pay attention to the minutiae. Inhabit yourself.

Teacher, take your own advice, right? Also, the words of my beloved teacher sound off in my mind: Work right where you’re at.

I remember hating that advice the first time I heard it…

So when my ego takes off on one of it’s BUT I WANT TO DO MORE riffs, I chuckle and remind myself to inhabit my body and the work that it’s doing right now, and NOT what it could do before or what it will do once I’m healed.

Of course even reminding myself like this, it’s still hard to let go of wanting MORE because our society worships at the altar of BIGGER. BETTER. NOW.

Just the other day my sister sent a photo of my four year old niece holding up a piece of paper with her name written in squiggly hand-writing. She was all Cheshire-cat grins because she can now write her own name! Actually, she’s been able to do it for a little while now, but has only just recently learned how to write “Y” the correct way up. Hehe.

While I adore the photo and the happiness on my niece’s face, it occurred to me that all of this celebration of achievement just sets us up for feeling terrible when we can’t or don’t achieve something we really want.

It also drew my attention to the fact that we tend to praise growth, advancement, development. We cheer on babies and children for walking and talking etc, we get all proud when people excel at their schooling and we high five ourselves when we can suddenly do a yoga pose we’ve been working on for ages. We deify our sporting heroes and Olympic athletes. Being the best is considered to be all-important, right?

Advancing is what counts – someone wrote this to me recently on Twitter. I beg to differ because really, what is “advancing” anyway?

Don’t get me wrong – enjoying progression isn’t a bad thing, as long as it isn’t our central/only focus. As long as it doesn’t stop us from enjoying other things, like a simpler yoga practice for example.

To expand: for every person who masters a new yoga pose and gets a hit of pride for what they can now do, there’s someone else who finds that years of practice have NOT made them more flexible. And in the face of our celebration of achievement, this can make a person feel like crap.

But what’s important here? Encouraging a student to keep going? Telling them their flexibility will come eventually (which might or might not be true)? Or helping them understand that yoga/life isn’t all about being the bendiest person in the room?

Yoga teachers – what are we saying when we give compliments for doing poses well? Do we balance that with information that can help less physically able students to feel like yoga isn’t a waste of their time?

There’s much to be learned by doing less.

Right now when I stop berating myself for not being able to do everything, I notice that I’m fine-tuning the small details of my practice. Like strengthening my lower back, checking what my knees are up to, and relaxing the tension from my shoulders. I’m learning to concentrate on the small details of moving my body in a way that my “normal” practice – with its focus on “achieving” – often glosses over. My awareness of what I’m doing is increasing.

So chill the heck out everyone (including myself)! Where are we trying to get to with all this achievement, anyway?

We’re on a road to nowhere

Come on inside

Takin’ that ride to nowhere

We’ll take that ride

~ Svasti

Yoga Crones are rockin’ mo-fo inspiration

Tags

Cora Wen, Genmaicha, Kali, Linda Sama, Magazine of Yoga, Yoga, Yoga Crones, yoga teaching

This post is a little shout out for two of my favourite yoginis in the Twitterdom/blogosphere, both of whom I hope to meet and study with IRL (in real life) at some point…

That’s right, Imma talkin’ ‘bout the take-no-prisoners, expansive and interesting Linda Sama and Cora Wen.

Both these lovely ladies identify as Yoga Crones – a sisterhood I’ll hopefully get to join one day. I see them as celebrating womanhood in a way that isn’t about having perfect hair and nails, but instead, knowing who they are and inhabiting themselves fully – body and mind.

The other cool thing about these bust-an-asana chicas is that The Magazine of Yoga has done interviews with them both – it’s one of the handful of online yoga magazines/journals I like reading. They are both fierce and fabulous, and not afraid to speak their truth!

Here’s a little more about these Yoga Crones…

Linda Sama

Linda and I have been blog buddies for a while, and we came *this close* to meeting in person only recently. Unfortunately the Bali retreat Linda was planning fell through. Bummer, that. Never mind – it’ll happen!

Also, Linda and I are Ladies of Kali – not a choice you get to make (kinda hard to explain that!), but having a Kali patroness membership card makes you one helluva interesting/fiery/madcap person to know!

Linda recently stopped blogging as much as she used to but with a little encouragement, she’ll hopefully get back in the game sooner rather than later.

I LOVE Linda.

Links: check out Linda’s blog, and read part 1 and part 2 of her Mag of Yoga interviews.

Linda’s interview talks about her Vinyasa Krama/KYM style of teaching, and how this involves slower but repetitive movements. This “different” style of yoga offers another experience of yoga that isn’t just about mastering arm balances and getting your asana kicked. Which works for me.

Cora Wen

I also LOVE Cora Wen. On my other Twitter account, Cora and I have recently been sharing our love for tea – especially green tea. She even shared her favourite brand of Genmaicha and HELLO, they have a store in my city! I’m endlessly grateful, even if I’m now a total Genmaicha addict. Oh well. 😉

The sharing of information about tea – that’s the kind of generosity and love you get from interacting with Cora, even if it’s only virtual and she couldn’t pick you out of a line up.

Cora is an avid Twitter user, sharing all kinds of yogic wisdom on the wire. I think she does it just because she enjoys sharing.

Links: Cora’s website, and part 1 and part 2 of her Mag of Yoga interviews.

I adore everything Cora has to say in her interview because as a woman it’s all very relatable. She’s clearly very present within her body, and makes no apologies for not having the typical uber-thin “yoga body” popularised in the media! As a yoga teacher, she’s instructional, inspirational and generous with her knowledge. I especially loved part two of the interview, where Cora describes her journey as a yogi from a type-A hardcore practitioner to something softer and far more encompassing.

Cora also describes how her teaching style has evolved and this is excellent for someone like me.

How reading these Yoga Crones helps me as a yogi and a teacher

A few weeks ago, the class I taught was just two people. Usually it’s busy-busy and perhaps the Easter break put a spanner in the works, who knows?

This never bothers me – I’m happy teaching to one or twenty people. And as it happened, I found myself having to break down something that I’ve always considered to be very simple – the full yogic breath.

Since I always encourage questions, I was happy when my of my students commented that it “feels weird” doing lower abdominal breathing. I wondered how many other people I’ve guided through this practice that have felt the same way: lower abdominal breathing is hard if you’re not accustomed to it.

So the class took a bit of a side-step as we spoke about one of the lesser known goals of yoga – to learn to sense your own body and energy. To develop sensitivity. We’re so used to using our bodies in certain ways only, and to gain sensitivity we need to practice. It’s that simple.

But then, it’s not so simple after all because developing that ability, via using your hands to help you sense what your body is doing – can lead to a greater capacity for awareness of physical and energetic sensation. And this is where yoga really begins to take off.

So we talked about that for a while and workshopped the breathing actions before moving on.

To me, that’s a class I’m glad to have taught. Like Cora, I see teaching yoga as an honour and a privilege. Like Linda, I’m not afraid to slow my classes down.

Sometimes I still can’t believe that it’s me up there, teaching people. And I know I’m so very lucky because for every class I teach, I am the student, too.

Anyway, I guess the point of this love-in is to direct you to Linda and Cora’s Mag of Yoga interviews and to point out how grateful I am to have connected with these awesome Yoga Crones via the interwebs.

To paraphrase Linda (quoting someone else, I think): if you don’t pass on the teachings, then you’re no better than a thief. And these ladies are Queens of Sharing. *hat tip* to you both!

~Svasti

Rainbow yoga love

Tags

frowny, rainbow coloured love, serious, Shadow Yoga, Simon Borg-Olivier, Yoga, yoga teacher breakup, yoga teaching

Friday night's sunset, captured as I got off the train. Glorious!

Confession: since the whole Yoga Teacher Breakup Debacle, I haven’t been to any yoga classes. Instead, I’ve just been doing my own practice and teaching, and kinda getting over the sting of what happened.

It’s nasty when things go wrong with something you hold so close to your heart, like I do (and I’m sure many of y’all do) with yoga. And it took me a while to see that clearly, something about me pushed that particular yoga teacher’s buttons to the point that she had a very unpleasant (and rude) reaction. On top of that, she wasn’t any good at apologising or admitting her mistakes.

So, she lost a regular and committed student and I lost a place to practice a form of yoga I love doing. I haven’t actually done any Shadow Yoga since then either. I need for the situation to lose its taint and for me to feel a natural pull towards doing it again. Luckily, I love all kinds of yoga so that’s not a problem!

But today I’ve broken my yoga teacher fast and I’m feeling the love. LOVE! So. Much. Love.

A couple of weeks ago, someone mentioned to me that Simon Borg-Olivier was going to be in Melbourne this weekend. As I’ve previously mentioned, he was my very first ever yoga teacher in Sydney. My introduction to the beginning of the rest of my life – not that I knew it at the time!

So I tracked down his workshop and signed up as quickly as I could. Today’s session was a half day – an hour long talk, followed by a demonstration of his awesome yoga skills and then three hours of practice. Delicious!

I’m not sure exactly how long Simon has been teaching, but I think he said he’s been practicing for around 40 years. The dude is also a qualified physiotherapist and is insanely knowledgeable about the body. I’ll have much more to say about the workshop after tomorrow’s all-day session (HUZZAH!), but for now I’ll say that he has lots of wonderful yoga goodness going on.

Today, what impressed me most is that despite his years and years of teaching and really, being one of the biggest stars in the Australian yoga world… he’s just so human. Before and after the workshop, Simon made a point of introducing himself to as many people as he could, shaking their hand and having little chats. So lovely and inclusive.

After today’s session, he came up to me to say hello and I explained that I’d taken his classes a good 12 years ago. He had also come across this blog and left a comment on one of my posts last year, and when I told him I was the blogger in question he remembered and was so sweet about it.

It’s human nature to compare and contrast things, and I can’t help but notice the vast differences between his teaching style (warm, inviting, fun, engaging) and the woman I was learning Shadow Yoga from (serious, sharp, strict, harsh). What was I thinking?!

That Yoga Teacher Breakup Debacle was one of the best things that’s happened to me this year. Even though I currently don’t have access to that style of yoga, I’m so very glad to be out of that woman’s classes!

You see, I like my yoga all heart-centered and fun, filled with rainbow-coloured love. Not Nazi-harsh and mean! I’m just not that kind of yogi. I’m always trying to get my students to laugh in class (intentionally or not) and I wanna be in classes that make me feel like that photo up there – full of vibrant colour and life and far from being all serious and frowny.

Know what I’m saying?

Anyway, time for sleeping. Gotta big day of yoga (filled with rainbow coloured love) ahead of me and I wanna be well rested.

Update: Here’s the review

Til soon, folks!

~Svasti

The teachings – not the teacher – is the rock star

Tags

blood donation, chi, haemoglobin, iron levels, kidney, liver, maya, non-difference, pescatarian, Prayer, PTSD, self-doubt, source, Stress, Suffering, yoga teaching

The yoga class I taught last night was electrified. Not as in struck by lightning, but it was a really, really good class. I can’t explain why exactly, and I don’t think it’s worth trying to break it down. In this case, I think the sum was definitely greater than the parts.

After my recent yoga teacher break up, I seriously questioned myself – what was I even doing teaching yoga? Not that it was ever said in so many words, but I got the very distinct impression that this teacher didn’t think I should be teaching. Which hey – could well be just my own interpretation and insecurities , but then again maybe not.

I know that my own personal practice is far from perfect. There are the poses I’m yet to master and others I’m still regaining my previous level of proficiency in (thanks, long-term annoying shoulder injury!).

The weekend after my YT break up, my body was still a little freaked from the resulting stress reaction. But anyway, I went to give blood (well, plasma actually) on the Saturday only to be told that my haemoglobin levels were too low to donate.

They quizzed me a bit and get this – six or seven years ago my haemoglobin levels were awesome. Back then I was a pescatarian (fish-eating veggie) so I was arguably consuming less iron than I do these days now that I sometimes eat meat. The last few times I’ve donated, my haemoglobin has been quite a bit lower, but still acceptable.

After running through a whole bunch of possible scenarios, one of the nurses asked me about stress.

Me: Stress?

Nurse: Yes, it can affect your iron levels.

*dingdingding* went the lights and bells in my mind.

Of course. I explained that five years ago I developed PTSD and while it’s mostly under control now, this week had been particularly stressful. That’ll do it, apparently.

(I am also six years older than back then, however the difference in my haemoglobin levels is considerable).

Had a great chat on Twitter with Cora Wen about such things, and she reminded me of the blood’s connection to our chi, and that stress affects liver and kidney function (the purifiers of the blood). Of course.

I was stunned in some ways, but now I have a new focus – ramping up my liver and kidney chi.

The very next day however, I woke up sick. Like, got out of bed and whoah, I was in the midst of a nasty dose of the flu. Related? Yeah, probably.

Which meant I missed out on teaching last week’s class. Last night I returned to the studio, just not sure what to expect of myself. For my own personal reflection, I was thinking about what I’ve learned from recent events because I feel like I can only teach from what I know and understand personally.

And it was this: non-difference. None of us are different from each other no matter who we are or what we’ve learned or are doing with our lives. Society teaches us that we are independent, individual, different. But this is part of the veil of maya, and it strongly contributes to our suffering – this idea of differentness and separateness.

I went to set up the mats in my little room and completed my pre-class ritual – a short prayer to the gurus who govern the school where I practice (not my gurus personally, but I think it’s only polite. Also: non-difference, remember?). I pray for the right words, the right actions and the best approach for the upcoming class. And I pray that my ego takes a hike while I teach.

Teaching from this place I feel connected to the Source, y’know? Sure, it might be my from limited-new-yoga-teacher version of the Source, but still… I feel the difference. Or the non-difference.

The class was packed, which is the complete opposite of the last two. I think we managed to squeeze fourteen people into the room and had to turn more away (they went to the intermediate class instead).

Everyone was patient and accepting of the crowdedness. I found myself almost immediately throwing out half of my class plan and included some poses I don’t normally do with this group, just so I could see where they were at.

The all worked well together and I let things flow a bit more than usual, not stopping as much to provide breakdowns of some of the more challenging poses this time. I figure sometimes it’s better to just let people feel it in their body and do what they can rather than aiming for precision.

What else made it a good class? Nothing. Everything. I don’t know. It just was. And there were lots of appreciative noises afterwards.

And I knew. I’m not what makes me a good teacher.

It’s when I kick out all of the hang ups that accompany who I am, and when I’m offering people love, smiles and support to do their best, no matter how accomplished their practice is that I’m a good teacher. When I care about what’s going on in that room with as much attention to detail as I can muster, and when I get out of the damn way of the wisdom in the teachings, that’s when the classes really rock.

The teachings are the rock star, not the teacher.

And here’s another prayer: please Kali-Ma, make sure I never forget that!

~ Svasti

Breaking up with your yoga teacher – part 2

Tags

2 William Street Balaclava, Abuse, Anxiety, arrogant, ass, assume, breaking up, Bullying, detachment, humiliated, Louise Goodvach, Melbourne, reactive, rebuked, Shadow Yoga, shit-palooza, Stress, vairagya, Yoga Moves, yoga teacher abuse, yoga teaching, zero tolerance

Click on the photo to read Yoga Dawg’s brilliant rap/poem/song!

[Read part 1 first]

Act II: After-words

So that same night and before I’d even made it home, I sent her this email:

I am sorry to walk out of your class but I was feeling very angry and it seemed to be the least disruptive thing I could do right then.

I feel that you judge me very harshly. Your assumption that I have been trying to tell people what to do in your class is incorrect. Perhaps it’s the tone of my voice, but I am usually attempting to confirm something for myself rather than tell anyone else what to do.

At the beginning of the class you spoke of never really knowing what the cause of various things are. Yet you are so certain of my motivations that you chose to embarrass me in front of everyone.

That is what I found so incredible.

Perhaps you don’t think much of my previous training or my current abilities but I am only ever attempting to improve my own practice. Generally I tend to speak a lot and it’s something I continue to work on. But my verbalizing of my own thoughts on things is not ever meant to be instruction to others.

I am sorry if you thought otherwise, but I find myself very upset at your treatment of me this evening.

Unfortunately, I was in shock and I was stressed. My body has lost its ability to handle sudden stresses like that. So I didn’t sleep well that night and the next day… well, I wrote about it here.

It sucked. That part isn’t anyone’s fault. I’m doing everything I can do heal my body and mind but there’s stuff that just isn’t resolved yet.

Hello? And once again WTF?

I wasn’t sure if I was going to hear back from her at all, which of course added to my stress. Even though my mind was cool with things, my body wasn’t.

Sometime on Friday I got a reply, if you can call it that. It was just a single sentence:

See you next week.

Oh really?!!

That pretty much resolved my will I/wont I go back dilemma. So I wrote two lines back in response:

No you won’t. I won’t be returning to your classes.

I have better things to do with my time than be abused in a yoga class.

Say what you like about my own reactiveness, but I think her behaviour was both abusive and completely unnecessary.

Then, after reading (or perhaps dismissing?) my email, she did not acknowledge what happened or make even the tiniest of apologies. In fact, she blew me off. As far as I’m concerned, that’s both arrogant and a pretty poor business decision.

In the past I’ve recommended this studio to other people. On this blog, I’ve actively written about my experiences with and love of Shadow Yoga. I’ve been nothing but positive and supportive of this yoga studio and have never had any negative interactions with anyone there ever before.

Her reply to mine?

Take good care of yourself.

And with that we were done. No longer was she my yoga teacher.

[Full disclosure: I might’ve also sent her an email after that one telling her that I think she kind of sucks, and that I hope she one day learns to apply what she teachers to the way she treats people – harsh but ultimately not unreasonable, I think.]

In itself, that’s not a big deal. I’m not emotionally attached to her or to the studio, and I sure as hell didn’t have her up on a pedestal (been there, done that before).

I do love Shadow Yoga, and I’ll continue to develop my home practice. There’s a couple of other studios here in Melbourne that teach it, but they’re not terribly close to where I live. And unfortunately, when the founders of Shadow Yoga come to Melbourne, they teach out of her studio. Bummer.

Detachment doesn’t mean being a cold hard biatch

If you’ve been doing yoga for a while, you might’ve heard about “detachment” (vairagya), which is much misunderstood aspect of yogic philosophy.

Non-attachment is not suppression: Non-attachment is not a mere personality trait that one practices in dealing with the other people of the world. It is very easy to fool oneself into thinking that non-attachment is being practiced when what is really happening is pretending to be non-attached.
http://www.swamij.com/yoga-sutras-11216.htm

When abusing me in class, my now ex-yoga teacher was mean, unpleasant and VERY reactive. Afterwards, she was all icy-coldness and hey, maybe in her mind that’s what she considers detachment to be (once again, an assumption on my part – I have no idea what she thinks).

But detachment doesn’t mean that you don’t care, or that you don’t have feelings. It just means that you don’t self-identify with them, and you’re not invested in the outcome of a situation.

IF she’d really wanted me to come back to classes, a simple apology would have made all the difference, but that sort of thing should not have to be prompted.

Unless of course, her plan all along was to have me leave?

Keep your integrity close and your humility even closer

We all make mistakes. We all do things we kick ourselves for later (heck, I know I do!). But if our actions have upset someone, no matter what we think of the situation it’s generally good practice to apologise.

For me, that’s a part of being a good teacher and it’s something I’ve always admired about my own Guru.

As he unfolds his own spiritual development ever further, he’ll say things like: Previously I thought this was true, but now I know X, Y and Z. What I told you before was incorrect.

It’s perfectly okay to admit to mistakes, but of course you need humility for that. The more, the better.

And speaking of detachment, I know of no one with better mastery of it than my Guru. And yet he is warm. He will hug people. He’ll laugh, he’ll dance, drink, show anger and if he sees it’s required, he’ll apologise. He’s an awesome role model like that.

There’s nothing in this life that’s not a part of the whole. Nothing.

And if you recognise that you’ve made a mistake, then WOMAN-UP and apologise (shout out to Lo for that phrase!).

Be humble. Being a yoga teacher doesn’t mean that you’re always right.

Act III: Bottom line

I’m grateful for what I’ve learned, and I still love Shadow Yoga and will continue my practice. Just not at the studio of someone who won’t even acknowledge what happened or talk to me about it.

Perhaps I won’t learn as quickly as I might by attending regular classes but thems the breaks.

Change is the only constant

Another of my friends, Linda, reminded me:

It’s not always a bad thing to be betrayed. Many times it happens when we need to move on from a person, place. And of course happens with people we are close to so that’s why it hurts more. Betrayal is not necessarily “bad energy” because it’s “good” for change.

In my grand crazy plan for my future, there were only a couple of things making me hesitate about leaving Melbourne again (eventually). There’s my sister and nieces, and my Shadow Yoga practice being tied to this particular yoga studio.

I’ll always have my sister and nieces, even if I’m far away. And I’ll always have what I know of Shadow Yoga. Who knows? I might even move to a place where I can study with another teacher some day.

But I sure as heck don’t have to accept abuse in order to learn. No one does.

~Svasti

(Also, big thanks to CK, Nancy, Rachel, Cherie, Kimberly (as well as Lo and Linda) for their real-time support on Twitter while I worked through this shit-palooza!)

**September 2013 update: Ummmm, dear judgey and outraged people reading this post and deciding that I’m being ridiculous. A few things:

1. This post was written well over three years ago. So, y’know, as you can imagine, I’ve moved on since then.

2. I am entitled to my feelings and experiences. This is my blog. So coming here and psychoanalyzing me and telling me I’m wrong? Ermmm, HOW WOULD YOU KNOW? Coz you don’t know.

3. Unless you are me or the teacher in question, you’ve got no right to interpret the situation.

4. See point #1. This is O-V-E-R. Yeah, it’s an historical piece of writing on my blog. Get over it and go out and live your live. Be happy. I sure am!**

Breaking up with your yoga teacher – part 1

Tags

2 William Street Balaclava, Abuse, Anxiety, ass, assume, breaking up, Bullying, humiliated, Louise Goodvach, Melbourne, rebuked, Shadow Yoga, Stress, Yoga Moves, yoga teacher abuse, yoga teaching, zero tolerance

The silent observer…

Act I: Unrequited and un-required abuse

Say you’ve been going to the same yoga classes and the same studio for around eighteen months. It’s a place you love, feel comfortable at and enjoy frequenting. It’s become your “yoga home” and you feel invigorated by what you’re learning.

This feeling of a home away from home is comprised of a few things: the yoga you’re learning, the vibe of the studio and the teachers you’re learning from.

So what happens if one day for no reason you can be certain of, everything changes?

The smack down

What happens if you’re in class and you ask a question (the first one you’ve asked that session), only for that question to be radically misinterpreted by your yoga teacher? You ask, but your phrasing is off. Instead of, “So how do you do this pose properly…?” you say, “So you do it like this, right?”.

Perhaps the end of the question wasn’t heard. Perhaps it was, and she just didn’t like your tone. Bit hard to say really. But suddenly you’re on the end of a rather nasty and public (class of 20+ people) dressing down.

It’s different for everyone. Until you can do it, you shouldn’t try to tell others what to do.

Okay, but that wasn’t my intention…

You’ve done it before you know.

You have?!? You bite your tongue and keep going, but combined with this little diatribe and your general sense of left-right confusion you end up doing the next pose on the wrong leg. Your yoga teacher reprimands you sharply for doing so. You laugh it off and go to swap legs but are still having a little moment of “which leg forward”, when she continues her previous (and loud) rebuke:

You really shouldn’t say anything at all until you can get it right.

At which point, feeling entirely misunderstood, unfairly rebuked, mightily pissed off, and somewhat humiliated at being verbally abused in a freakin’ yoga class – you choose to walk out.

Why? Well why the hell not? Why should you stay and continue to take instructions from someone who’s just (verbally) taken a big stick and thwacked you over the head with it?

As you go to leave, more attempted humiliation: (loudly) No [insert name], don’t do that…

But you do leave because, excuse me? This is meant to be a yoga class. You’re not ten years old and you haven’t just painted the cat purple. In fact, the yoga teacher has unfairly jumped to conclusions and punished you in front of the rest of the class.

For realz?

Yep! This is what happened to me last week at the Shadow Yoga school I’ve been a faithful patron of since October 2009.

My first thought as I left: “Well, that’s a shame”.

I was trying to work out if I would/could/should consider returning to the classes at all. Or if not to that teacher’s classes (who is also the studio owner), then to other classes there.

I sat outside the class for a bit, focusing on my breathing and probably looking something this (but less furry):

A somewhat confused yogi – adapted from: http://www.toonpool.com/cartoons/Yoga%20Yogi_95284

I went for a walk to calm down. I ordered some food. And I tried to make sense of my Wednesday night.

Nobody’s perfect

Perhaps she was having a bad night? Maybe I was? I mean, on the way to class that night I couldn’t shake the nagging bundle of nervous anxiety in my belly.

And maybe she didn’t hear the end of my question? Who knows? But WHY on earth would you talk to someone like that, no matter what the circumstances? It seemed highly reactive and downright mean.

Heck, if I was having problems with a student (or anyone) I’d talk to them privately, and I don’t think I’d ever publicly rebuke anyone like that unless someone’s health or life was in danger.

And despite her assertion that I’d “done it before”, this was the first time I’d been made aware that she thought that. Not once in all the time I practiced there was it pointed out that I was supposedly doing something “wrong”.

But the reality is that I wasn’t doing what she thought I was doing. When I attempted to say so I was cut short, and then I was rebuked again, and one final verbal kick in the ass when I chose to leave.

Incidentally: this is the very first time I’ve ever walked out of a yoga class in over ten years of doing all kinds of yoga!

A little background

Just a couple of weeks beforehand; this same yoga teacher told me that I “had to choose”. When I asked her what she meant, she told me that I shouldn’t do Shadow Yoga and any style of yoga because “it will be confusing for my body”.

Not that she’s ever said so explicitly, but these are impressions (possibly incorrect but it’s a feeling) I’ve gathered from her:

• She doesn’t think much of my previous training
• She’s convinced that Shadow Yoga is THE only yoga people should be doing
• She doesn’t think I should be teaching because I really don’t have Shadow Yoga down at all

I could be wrong about any/all of the above, but her attitude and general snippiness towards me in certain situations have created this impression.

She asked what I was teaching, and I explained that I teach foundation yoga for beginners – which is all about the basics of body movement etc. I suggested there’s a place for other forms of Hatha yoga that aren’t Shadow Yoga and that not everyone wants a strong practice like Shadow Yoga.

She also asked about my teacher, so I explained my background with my guru as well as my teacher training. I said I’d send her links to information about him and she said she’d like that. When I sent her the URLs, I didn’t get a “thank you” email or any kind of acknowledgement at all.

The very next week was last week, when I walked out of her class. Were these incidents related? Hard to say but I have to wonder, right?

Perhaps she decided to “choose” for me, and manufactured the whole thing? I won’t jump to conclusions and assume that’s the truth, but I’m just sayin’…

Implied intimacy and trust

For me, being in a yoga class is very personal. I’ve found this both as a student as well as a fledgling teacher. There’s a whole bunch of intimacy going on.

As a yoga teacher, you’re instructing people how to move their body and when to breath. You’re working with your student’s fears as well as their monkey mind. In my limited teaching experience to date, I feel very much that teaching is a service. I’m not there to be a schoolmarm and demand obedience – instead I’m trying to get people to explore, feel, experience, sense.

As a student, I am trusting my yoga teacher to be a good person. A helpful person. Someone who is kind and considerate – at least while the class is in session. In a yoga class I open myself up and I am vulnerable physically, mentally, emotionally and energetically. I am shrugging off my baggage as best as I can and leaving it at the door. I am trusting you to be careful with me while I follow your lead.

In my books, it’s absolutely unconscionable to use your position as a yoga teacher to smack down one of your students.

You don’t have to take anybody else’s shit, no matter who they are

These days, I have a zero tolerance approach towards bullying and abuse.

I was both surprised and pleased to observe my very healthy boundaries when it came to dealing with her crap. It hasn’t always been like that, y’see.

Something my Guru has always said to his students is this: You don’t have to accept anyone else’s trip.

Look Guruji, I totally DIDN’T! 😀

Assume makes an ASS out of U and ME

I don’t know for sure what was in her mind any more than she knows what was in mine. Based on her reaction and what she said, I’ve got a pretty good idea of what she meant.

But she assumed my motives were different than they were. She didn’t check in with me to find out what I was saying, she just jumped right in.

Dear ex-yoga teacher of mine: you behaved like an ass.

[Read part 2]

~ Svasti

**September 2013 update: Ummmm, dear judgey and outraged people reading this post and deciding that I’m being ridiculous. A few things:

1. This post was written well over three years ago. So, y’know, as you can imagine, I’ve moved on since then.

2. I am entitled to my feelings and experiences. This is my blog. So coming here and psychoanalyzing me and telling me I’m wrong? Ermmm, HOW WOULD YOU KNOW? Coz you don’t know.

3. Unless you are me or the teacher in question, you’ve got no right to interpret the situation.

4. See point #1. This is O-V-E-R. Yeah, it’s an historical piece of writing on my blog. Get over it and go out and live your live. Be happy. I sure am!**

Honesty box Tuesday [2]

Tags

ego, going through the motions, heart chakra meditation, honesty, Meditation, Yoga, yoga teaching

• Seriously, who do I think I am? I haven’t quite been teaching yoga for a whole year yet – so I really need to stay focused on the basics. Those who want a more experienced teacher will go to another class.
• As student numbers in my classes go up and down, I wonder if I might’ve personally done something to annoy someone and make them not want to come back.
• I also wonder why those who are repeat students do return. Is it just a convenient time or do they like the way I teach? Or something else? [shaddup, ego!]
• Sometimes I feel like asking my students to complete anonymous feedback forms, because it’s almost impossible to know what they are really thinking otherwise. Unless they tell you directly. Which they mostly don’t.
• Speaking of feedback, read this – it’s good.
• I upped the laughter quotient in my class last night as a result of reading that, but also because two new students started giggling uncontrollably at one point and I joined in. And kept it going. 😉
• There’s no such thing as going through the motions. Well, not if I want my class to feel alive and authentic. This goes for preparation as well as the actual class.
• When I encounter students that I perceive as more “difficult” than others, I’m the one that has to stop reacting (no need to be an asshole) and just spread the love and the laughter.
• Last night I *might* have not-on-purposely added a lil heart chakra meditation to the end of the class after a student told me that he liked it that my classes didn’t have too much “spiritual direction” (his words). But actually, I was thinking of Japan and of getting everyone to open their hearts a little more. Whoops!
• Switching from teaching a yoga class to being a student in a meditation class directly afterwards is… tricky. Mind is busy in teacher-mode, thinking about the class and students and isn’t so easy to shush. Have to listen very carefully to the teacher and to the advice I give my own students!
• I didn’t get to post this until Wednesday morning, instead of Tuesday. But for a whole bunch of people it still is Tuesday, so I’m good with that…

~Svasti