Breaking up with your yoga teacher – part 2

Tags

2 William Street Balaclava, Abuse, Anxiety, arrogant, ass, assume, breaking up, Bullying, detachment, humiliated, Louise Goodvach, Melbourne, reactive, rebuked, Shadow Yoga, shit-palooza, Stress, vairagya, Yoga Moves, yoga teacher abuse, yoga teaching, zero tolerance

Click on the photo to read Yoga Dawg’s brilliant rap/poem/song!

[Read part 1 first]

Act II: After-words

So that same night and before I’d even made it home, I sent her this email:

I am sorry to walk out of your class but I was feeling very angry and it seemed to be the least disruptive thing I could do right then.

I feel that you judge me very harshly. Your assumption that I have been trying to tell people what to do in your class is incorrect. Perhaps it’s the tone of my voice, but I am usually attempting to confirm something for myself rather than tell anyone else what to do.

At the beginning of the class you spoke of never really knowing what the cause of various things are. Yet you are so certain of my motivations that you chose to embarrass me in front of everyone.

That is what I found so incredible.

Perhaps you don’t think much of my previous training or my current abilities but I am only ever attempting to improve my own practice. Generally I tend to speak a lot and it’s something I continue to work on. But my verbalizing of my own thoughts on things is not ever meant to be instruction to others.

I am sorry if you thought otherwise, but I find myself very upset at your treatment of me this evening.

Unfortunately, I was in shock and I was stressed. My body has lost its ability to handle sudden stresses like that. So I didn’t sleep well that night and the next day… well, I wrote about it here.

It sucked. That part isn’t anyone’s fault. I’m doing everything I can do heal my body and mind but there’s stuff that just isn’t resolved yet.

Hello? And once again WTF?

I wasn’t sure if I was going to hear back from her at all, which of course added to my stress. Even though my mind was cool with things, my body wasn’t.

Sometime on Friday I got a reply, if you can call it that. It was just a single sentence:

See you next week.

Oh really?!!

That pretty much resolved my will I/wont I go back dilemma. So I wrote two lines back in response:

No you won’t. I won’t be returning to your classes.

I have better things to do with my time than be abused in a yoga class.

Say what you like about my own reactiveness, but I think her behaviour was both abusive and completely unnecessary.

Then, after reading (or perhaps dismissing?) my email, she did not acknowledge what happened or make even the tiniest of apologies. In fact, she blew me off. As far as I’m concerned, that’s both arrogant and a pretty poor business decision.

In the past I’ve recommended this studio to other people. On this blog, I’ve actively written about my experiences with and love of Shadow Yoga. I’ve been nothing but positive and supportive of this yoga studio and have never had any negative interactions with anyone there ever before.

Her reply to mine?

Take good care of yourself.

And with that we were done. No longer was she my yoga teacher.

[Full disclosure: I might’ve also sent her an email after that one telling her that I think she kind of sucks, and that I hope she one day learns to apply what she teachers to the way she treats people – harsh but ultimately not unreasonable, I think.]

In itself, that’s not a big deal. I’m not emotionally attached to her or to the studio, and I sure as hell didn’t have her up on a pedestal (been there, done that before).

I do love Shadow Yoga, and I’ll continue to develop my home practice. There’s a couple of other studios here in Melbourne that teach it, but they’re not terribly close to where I live. And unfortunately, when the founders of Shadow Yoga come to Melbourne, they teach out of her studio. Bummer.

Detachment doesn’t mean being a cold hard biatch

If you’ve been doing yoga for a while, you might’ve heard about “detachment” (vairagya), which is much misunderstood aspect of yogic philosophy.

Non-attachment is not suppression: Non-attachment is not a mere personality trait that one practices in dealing with the other people of the world. It is very easy to fool oneself into thinking that non-attachment is being practiced when what is really happening is pretending to be non-attached.
http://www.swamij.com/yoga-sutras-11216.htm

When abusing me in class, my now ex-yoga teacher was mean, unpleasant and VERY reactive. Afterwards, she was all icy-coldness and hey, maybe in her mind that’s what she considers detachment to be (once again, an assumption on my part – I have no idea what she thinks).

But detachment doesn’t mean that you don’t care, or that you don’t have feelings. It just means that you don’t self-identify with them, and you’re not invested in the outcome of a situation.

IF she’d really wanted me to come back to classes, a simple apology would have made all the difference, but that sort of thing should not have to be prompted.

Unless of course, her plan all along was to have me leave?

Keep your integrity close and your humility even closer

We all make mistakes. We all do things we kick ourselves for later (heck, I know I do!). But if our actions have upset someone, no matter what we think of the situation it’s generally good practice to apologise.

For me, that’s a part of being a good teacher and it’s something I’ve always admired about my own Guru.

As he unfolds his own spiritual development ever further, he’ll say things like: Previously I thought this was true, but now I know X, Y and Z. What I told you before was incorrect.

It’s perfectly okay to admit to mistakes, but of course you need humility for that. The more, the better.

And speaking of detachment, I know of no one with better mastery of it than my Guru. And yet he is warm. He will hug people. He’ll laugh, he’ll dance, drink, show anger and if he sees it’s required, he’ll apologise. He’s an awesome role model like that.

There’s nothing in this life that’s not a part of the whole. Nothing.

And if you recognise that you’ve made a mistake, then WOMAN-UP and apologise (shout out to Lo for that phrase!).

Be humble. Being a yoga teacher doesn’t mean that you’re always right.

Act III: Bottom line

I’m grateful for what I’ve learned, and I still love Shadow Yoga and will continue my practice. Just not at the studio of someone who won’t even acknowledge what happened or talk to me about it.

Perhaps I won’t learn as quickly as I might by attending regular classes but thems the breaks.

Change is the only constant

Another of my friends, Linda, reminded me:

It’s not always a bad thing to be betrayed. Many times it happens when we need to move on from a person, place. And of course happens with people we are close to so that’s why it hurts more. Betrayal is not necessarily “bad energy” because it’s “good” for change.

In my grand crazy plan for my future, there were only a couple of things making me hesitate about leaving Melbourne again (eventually). There’s my sister and nieces, and my Shadow Yoga practice being tied to this particular yoga studio.

I’ll always have my sister and nieces, even if I’m far away. And I’ll always have what I know of Shadow Yoga. Who knows? I might even move to a place where I can study with another teacher some day.

But I sure as heck don’t have to accept abuse in order to learn. No one does.

~Svasti

(Also, big thanks to CK, Nancy, Rachel, Cherie, Kimberly (as well as Lo and Linda) for their real-time support on Twitter while I worked through this shit-palooza!)

**September 2013 update: Ummmm, dear judgey and outraged people reading this post and deciding that I’m being ridiculous. A few things:

1. This post was written well over three years ago. So, y’know, as you can imagine, I’ve moved on since then.

2. I am entitled to my feelings and experiences. This is my blog. So coming here and psychoanalyzing me and telling me I’m wrong? Ermmm, HOW WOULD YOU KNOW? Coz you don’t know.

3. Unless you are me or the teacher in question, you’ve got no right to interpret the situation.

4. See point #1. This is O-V-E-R. Yeah, it’s an historical piece of writing on my blog. Get over it and go out and live your live. Be happy. I sure am!**

Breaking up with your yoga teacher – part 1

Tags

2 William Street Balaclava, Abuse, Anxiety, ass, assume, breaking up, Bullying, humiliated, Louise Goodvach, Melbourne, rebuked, Shadow Yoga, Stress, Yoga Moves, yoga teacher abuse, yoga teaching, zero tolerance

The silent observer…

Act I: Unrequited and un-required abuse

Say you’ve been going to the same yoga classes and the same studio for around eighteen months. It’s a place you love, feel comfortable at and enjoy frequenting. It’s become your “yoga home” and you feel invigorated by what you’re learning.

This feeling of a home away from home is comprised of a few things: the yoga you’re learning, the vibe of the studio and the teachers you’re learning from.

So what happens if one day for no reason you can be certain of, everything changes?

The smack down

What happens if you’re in class and you ask a question (the first one you’ve asked that session), only for that question to be radically misinterpreted by your yoga teacher? You ask, but your phrasing is off. Instead of, “So how do you do this pose properly…?” you say, “So you do it like this, right?”.

Perhaps the end of the question wasn’t heard. Perhaps it was, and she just didn’t like your tone. Bit hard to say really. But suddenly you’re on the end of a rather nasty and public (class of 20+ people) dressing down.

It’s different for everyone. Until you can do it, you shouldn’t try to tell others what to do.

Okay, but that wasn’t my intention…

You’ve done it before you know.

You have?!? You bite your tongue and keep going, but combined with this little diatribe and your general sense of left-right confusion you end up doing the next pose on the wrong leg. Your yoga teacher reprimands you sharply for doing so. You laugh it off and go to swap legs but are still having a little moment of “which leg forward”, when she continues her previous (and loud) rebuke:

You really shouldn’t say anything at all until you can get it right.

At which point, feeling entirely misunderstood, unfairly rebuked, mightily pissed off, and somewhat humiliated at being verbally abused in a freakin’ yoga class – you choose to walk out.

Why? Well why the hell not? Why should you stay and continue to take instructions from someone who’s just (verbally) taken a big stick and thwacked you over the head with it?

As you go to leave, more attempted humiliation: (loudly) No [insert name], don’t do that…

But you do leave because, excuse me? This is meant to be a yoga class. You’re not ten years old and you haven’t just painted the cat purple. In fact, the yoga teacher has unfairly jumped to conclusions and punished you in front of the rest of the class.

For realz?

Yep! This is what happened to me last week at the Shadow Yoga school I’ve been a faithful patron of since October 2009.

My first thought as I left: “Well, that’s a shame”.

I was trying to work out if I would/could/should consider returning to the classes at all. Or if not to that teacher’s classes (who is also the studio owner), then to other classes there.

I sat outside the class for a bit, focusing on my breathing and probably looking something this (but less furry):

A somewhat confused yogi – adapted from: http://www.toonpool.com/cartoons/Yoga%20Yogi_95284

I went for a walk to calm down. I ordered some food. And I tried to make sense of my Wednesday night.

Nobody’s perfect

Perhaps she was having a bad night? Maybe I was? I mean, on the way to class that night I couldn’t shake the nagging bundle of nervous anxiety in my belly.

And maybe she didn’t hear the end of my question? Who knows? But WHY on earth would you talk to someone like that, no matter what the circumstances? It seemed highly reactive and downright mean.

Heck, if I was having problems with a student (or anyone) I’d talk to them privately, and I don’t think I’d ever publicly rebuke anyone like that unless someone’s health or life was in danger.

And despite her assertion that I’d “done it before”, this was the first time I’d been made aware that she thought that. Not once in all the time I practiced there was it pointed out that I was supposedly doing something “wrong”.

But the reality is that I wasn’t doing what she thought I was doing. When I attempted to say so I was cut short, and then I was rebuked again, and one final verbal kick in the ass when I chose to leave.

Incidentally: this is the very first time I’ve ever walked out of a yoga class in over ten years of doing all kinds of yoga!

A little background

Just a couple of weeks beforehand; this same yoga teacher told me that I “had to choose”. When I asked her what she meant, she told me that I shouldn’t do Shadow Yoga and any style of yoga because “it will be confusing for my body”.

Not that she’s ever said so explicitly, but these are impressions (possibly incorrect but it’s a feeling) I’ve gathered from her:

• She doesn’t think much of my previous training
• She’s convinced that Shadow Yoga is THE only yoga people should be doing
• She doesn’t think I should be teaching because I really don’t have Shadow Yoga down at all

I could be wrong about any/all of the above, but her attitude and general snippiness towards me in certain situations have created this impression.

She asked what I was teaching, and I explained that I teach foundation yoga for beginners – which is all about the basics of body movement etc. I suggested there’s a place for other forms of Hatha yoga that aren’t Shadow Yoga and that not everyone wants a strong practice like Shadow Yoga.

She also asked about my teacher, so I explained my background with my guru as well as my teacher training. I said I’d send her links to information about him and she said she’d like that. When I sent her the URLs, I didn’t get a “thank you” email or any kind of acknowledgement at all.

The very next week was last week, when I walked out of her class. Were these incidents related? Hard to say but I have to wonder, right?

Perhaps she decided to “choose” for me, and manufactured the whole thing? I won’t jump to conclusions and assume that’s the truth, but I’m just sayin’…

Implied intimacy and trust

For me, being in a yoga class is very personal. I’ve found this both as a student as well as a fledgling teacher. There’s a whole bunch of intimacy going on.

As a yoga teacher, you’re instructing people how to move their body and when to breath. You’re working with your student’s fears as well as their monkey mind. In my limited teaching experience to date, I feel very much that teaching is a service. I’m not there to be a schoolmarm and demand obedience – instead I’m trying to get people to explore, feel, experience, sense.

As a student, I am trusting my yoga teacher to be a good person. A helpful person. Someone who is kind and considerate – at least while the class is in session. In a yoga class I open myself up and I am vulnerable physically, mentally, emotionally and energetically. I am shrugging off my baggage as best as I can and leaving it at the door. I am trusting you to be careful with me while I follow your lead.

In my books, it’s absolutely unconscionable to use your position as a yoga teacher to smack down one of your students.

You don’t have to take anybody else’s shit, no matter who they are

These days, I have a zero tolerance approach towards bullying and abuse.

I was both surprised and pleased to observe my very healthy boundaries when it came to dealing with her crap. It hasn’t always been like that, y’see.

Something my Guru has always said to his students is this: You don’t have to accept anyone else’s trip.

Look Guruji, I totally DIDN’T! 😀

Assume makes an ASS out of U and ME

I don’t know for sure what was in her mind any more than she knows what was in mine. Based on her reaction and what she said, I’ve got a pretty good idea of what she meant.

But she assumed my motives were different than they were. She didn’t check in with me to find out what I was saying, she just jumped right in.

Dear ex-yoga teacher of mine: you behaved like an ass.

[Read part 2]

~ Svasti

**September 2013 update: Ummmm, dear judgey and outraged people reading this post and deciding that I’m being ridiculous. A few things:

1. This post was written well over three years ago. So, y’know, as you can imagine, I’ve moved on since then.

2. I am entitled to my feelings and experiences. This is my blog. So coming here and psychoanalyzing me and telling me I’m wrong? Ermmm, HOW WOULD YOU KNOW? Coz you don’t know.

3. Unless you are me or the teacher in question, you’ve got no right to interpret the situation.

4. See point #1. This is O-V-E-R. Yeah, it’s an historical piece of writing on my blog. Get over it and go out and live your live. Be happy. I sure am!**